Italic – for thoughts.
Italic and underline – for Yaya’s written lines.
Bold – for shouting.
Underline – for Yaya’s mouthed lines.
----------
Hikari: Would you smile again?
“Amane-sempai.” I called to her, but my thoughts where with someone else. Yaya-chan didn’t come back to class after lunch. I had began to worry since the first period after lunch ended. I wonder what had happened…
“Hikari.”
Sempai looked worried. I moved closer and sat beside her. My legs hurt, all the running around I’ve been doing to look for Yaya-chan lately seemed to be taking it’s toll on me. It was lucky that our leader decided to postpone our practice today, I thought maybe I could find Yaya-chan this time… considering she doesn’t know choir practice is canceled. But I guess I was wrong and how could I forget, Yaya-chan doesn’t have a place in the choir for now. We were quiet for a while, I could only guess what was on her mind… or should I say who.
“Sempai? Yaya-chan didn’t go back to class a while ago. Did something happen?” I could not hide the worry in my voice. I felt like a bad friend. Yaya-chan could always find me when I’m troubled, why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I ever find her?
“I’m sorry, Hikari.” I softly gasped at the apology. “I screwed up a bit… I was so nervous we barely got to talk at all. And then I accidentally hurt Nanto-san.”
‘Hurt?!’ the word and all its meanings streamed into my mind. I grew more worried about Yaya-chan with each passing second. I wanted to run and look for her again, but I felt I should let Amane-sempai tell me all the details first. “Yaya-chan is hurt?”
Sempai nodded and explained what happened. She told me that she was having trouble starting the conversation with Yaya-chan, mentioning how intimidated she was of her, something I found hard to believe, Yaya-chan was the type that could get along with almost anyone… or is that only how I see her? She continued that something happened and she had unexpectedly surprised Yaya-chan by accident and which resulted on the cut on her wrist. She tried to apologize but Yaya-chan left her as soon as she could, she also said that she felt that she shouldn’t follow.
“I see…” was all that I could say. I wonder why Yaya-chan is like this. Come to think of it… Yaya-chan didn’t seem to like Amane-sempai very much, which was weird since she had always been cheering for me telling me not to give up on my feelings for her. Or could it be?... maybe?… does Yaya-chan like Amane-sempai too?... If she does why doesn’t she… Awww… I just managed to confuse myself.
Amane-sempai asked about Yaya-chan, what she liked, what she was like, what she didn’t like… which made me realize all the more… how little I knew about Yaya-chan, where as she seemed to know almost everything about me. Sure I knew small things, simple things… but the deeper stuff that makes her act the way she does, the smiles that shine so brightly even when she doesn’t mean it, what made her start singing, why was she always helping me?…
I had not realized I was lost in my thoughts, Amane-sempai didn’t bother to shake me from them at the moment. And until we realized that it was nearing sunset and our curfew that we even showed signs of knowing that the other was beside the other.
We returned to the dormitory separately… actually I don’t recall when I started to or when we separated. I recall sighing very deeply just as I reached our dorm room though…
I entered our room to find Yaya-chan sleeping in dusk light lit room. She laid to her side facing my side of the wall, though I could tell that she had originally been facing the other way from how her blanket was ruffled and the fresh tear stains on the other side of her pillow.
‘Wait a minute?!... tears?...’
Yaya-chan… was crying again… and was still crying as she slept. I swear I could hear her soft sobs in my heart, stabbing me like hot needles. May be it was the pain of the wound this time… but if that reason justifies these tears, what reason did she have for crying last time… Would she tell me if I asked?
I saw the bandaged wrist, it was slightly blood stained which scared me a little. I noticed that her notebook was open. I picked it up to find a note for me;
“Hikari, sorry if you were looking for me. I had an accident and cut my wrist. I lost a bit a blood before I could get first aid, I’m feeling slightly dizzy but the nurse said I’ll be fine. I had an early dinner and some medicine to numb the pain. I had asked Tsubomi-chan to fetch my bag if you haven’t already brought it with you… and an early goodnight to you. - Yaya ”
It’s was a start, at least she left a message this time unlike this morning and afternoon. I want to do something for her. I owe her a lot, too much actually… I am not even sure if I had been of any help to her. She might have even sacrificed her love for me…
I found myself sitting on the side of her bed, daring myself to touch her hand or brush her hair… neither felt easy right now. I continued to watch her sad sleeping face, as her tears continued to slowly flow like a gentle river. I felt so pathetic and felt like crying myself.
“What can I do to stop you tears from flowing… Yaya-chan…?”
The next day was… interesting... It was the only word I could describe it with. I learned that Yaya-chan had plans today and even left earlier than me and Amane-sempai. I had actually planned to invite her along. After all I had heard that they weren’t able to talk, since something happened and Yaya-chan got a cut on her wrist... I thought of trying to get them to talk. It was something I thought of over dinner that night, after seeing Yaya-chan on her bed yesterday evening. They are after all the two most important people to me. I wanted us to be close. At first I thought that there would be another chance… Yaya-chan had always thought me to be positive about things. I thought that it will work out somehow and decided to just enjoy my date with Amane-sempai today.
Sempai came at my door an hour after Yaya-chan had left. She was wearing a blue long sleeve shirt, white slacks and blue sneakers. ‘She dresses like a guy.’ I thought, but then again that was Amane-sempai’s charm. I blushed most of the time, realizing that I had chosen that day of all days to wear the same colored sundress and hat of all days. ‘We looked like a pair… what will people think?’
Amane-sempai on the other hand didn’t seem to mind it in the least. She was smiling quite lively this morning… ‘Maybe she had a good start this morning.’ I thought as I observed her. I couldn’t help but be cheered up after seeing her reassuringly happy smile. We talked a lot on the train, random things… some were things you say and ask when you’re trying to find things to say and ask. I felt quite silly for a while actually.
Later in the city, I was at a lost at what to do. I guess being stuck inside an all girl’s school, dorm and campus for so long takes some of you’re common sense a way. I had almost forgotten that there males in the world. Amane-sempai then took my hand and lead the way. We walked around the city for a while, enjoying the sights, the local treats, peaking inside shops and restaurants. It almost felt like it was a school fair.
Lunch time came. Sempai had suggested we eat lunch first before we continue wandering around. I chose a café called Linden Baum. It was close to where we had coincidentally wandered and the atmosphere inside seems nice. We walked in and took our seats. As I was admiring the tables and the cute uniforms for the waitresses, I noticed that Amane-sempai was looking somewhere else.
“Sempai? Is everything ok?”
She didn’t turn her head to look at me but answered: “Isn’t that Nanto-san?...”
“Eh?” I was surprised that Yaya-chan was here. She did say that she had plans. But she didn’t say where… did she? I turned to the direction where Amane-sempai was looking and felt something squeeze my heart at the sight of my best friend lying her head on Tsubomi-chan’s shoulder. I felt envious. Thinking that I would like to lie on Amane-sempai’s shoulder too…
I stole a glance at Amane-sempai, she looked… out of it. She had this blank stare that held directly at Yaya-chan. I wonder if asking her to talk to Yaya-chan wasn’t such a good idea after all. I looked at Yaya-chan’s direction again and saw her head fall from Tsubomi-chan’s shoulder and on to her lap.
“YAYA-CHAN!” I couldn’t hold the urge to yell her name from where I sat. But I immediately regretted that, and tried to hide behind our menus.
I took a peak and was glad that Tsubomi-chan didn’t see us. It’s awkward enough. I looked at sempai and noticed that she was looking at me while covering herself with her menu. She smiled at me, almost trying to hold a laugh in. I found myself smiling, somehow the slip up made the mood lighter.
The waitress then came back to take our order, we had ordered something simple and easy to eat as well as share. I didn’t know why but it seemed like Amane-sempai and I were planning on watching the two. We talked and ate as we watched them, eat and be something like a sweet couple. Yaya-chan had been feeding herself and Tsubomi-chan with the same fork, which made me blush jealously when I heard Amane-sempai mutter the words ‘Indirect Kisses’. They seem to be having a lot of fun together, I was rather surprised to see Tsubomi-chan smiling at Yaya-chan, and she usually had this big frown or pout whenever they were in close proximity.
Maybe… Just maybe… It wasn’t Amane-sempai that Yaya-chan liked, it was Tsubomi-chan… hmmm… but why am I wishing that it wasn’t Tsubomi-chan either? They look good together and Yaya-chan is smiling… Shouldn’t I be happy for her?
I inwardly sighed at my internal conflicts… why am I like this? I’m finally alone with Amane-sempai and all I could do is think about Yaya-chan. I found myself glancing at Amane-sempai, she was watching Yaya and Tsubomi-chan as she slowly went thru her sandwiches. In her eyes, I could see the same thing I was feeling… envy. I wasn’t quite sure if she or myself were envious of them having fun and being sweet to each other or were we... envious of Tsubomi-chan?
I didn’t realize I was staring at Amane-sempai, I instinctively let out a soft squeak in surprise when I found sandwich softly poking my lips. When my eyes returned to Amane-sempai, I found some calmness in her eyes and maybe even some love… although for some reason I didn’t want to pay to much attention to it. My eyes once again fell on the sandwich and my hand began to rise in order to reach it only to be stopped by her own. She looked at me, smiling as she mimicked Yaya-chan’s “Aaaaah…” as she slowly presented the sandwich before my lips. I swear I blushed at the sentiment before opening my mouth to receive her offering.
Somehow all thoughts about Yaya-chan vanished for now. I had forgotten their presence here in the same restaurant entirely. I can’t say I’m sure that Amane-sempai is the same but at least I could see that most of her attention was on me.
When the our meal ended, we found the table Yaya-chan and Tsubomi-chan had used earlier had been emptied and was being cleaned for it’s next occupants. We soon left the café after Amane-sempai had paid for our meal. I insisted on paying my half of the meal but she insisted on paying for everything.
We found ourselves wandering the city’s sights again. Amane-sempai suggested a movie, she first pointed at the horror film that was being advertised and I’m sure she saw all the color drain from my face in an instant. She then apologized after a soft giggle and said she meant to point at the romance story that was being shown beside it. Actually I think she really wanted to watch the horror film, but I’m just a little bit better at these things compared to Nagisa-chan… I’m sorry Amane-sempai.
After the movie, which was very heart warming and at the same time gnawed on my guilt and jealousy a little too much that I’d wanted, me and sempai continued walking around. We found an ice cream stand and I decided to purchase us a couple of Vanilla ice cream cones. Like I did for the café she tried to pay for her cone, I had barely managed to talk her into letting me pay after telling her that I wouldn’t feel right if she didn’t let me pay this time and also told her that we could take turns in paying so neither of us felt bad about paying for each other, well it was that or we split the payment every time. She just smiled at that and finally agreed which gave me some relief and progress in our relationship.
After a nice walk around the park we found ourselves window shopping, we were about to enter a crafts store of sorts when we heard an impressive tune. We followed the sound to a store two shops beside the crafts store to find Tsubomi-chan watching… Yaya-chan playing the Violin. I must say I was surprised… I never knew that she played an instrument. She was really good at it too…
I found myself walking away form the store with Amane-sempai following beside me. She placed a hand on my shoulder and waited for me to look at her. “Shall we call it a day?” she asked trying to keep a smile on her face, but I knew she was worried from the tone of her voice. All I could do was nod. We got on the train, after sempai had purchased some bottled tea for us. I accepted the bottle she handed to me thankfully, not worrying about the money right now, I believe it was her turn to pay anyway.
“She’s a good violinist...” I heard sempai try to break the ice.
“eh?” Somehow it didn’t register quick enough in my mind, I found myself staring at her questioningly.
“Nanto-san, she plays well.” Amane-sempai was leaning back on her side of the seat, looking relaxed as she held her head up staring at the some of the advertisements that have been placed just above our heads.
I just nodded with a soft “umn…” in response.
“What’s wrong Hikari?” she asked, her voice carried a tone of pure worry.
“I didn’t know…” I answered honestly.
“Didn’t know?” Her voice seemed to soften just as her eyes did.
“I didn’t know she played the violin. I don’t remember her telling me, nor did I bother to ask her if she did…” Tears began to form in my eyes.
It was really bothering me now. Who did she like? What does she like? What does she dislike? What’s her favorite color? What’s her favorite food? When did she start singing? Why did she choose me as her roommate? What are her other hobbies? What doesn’t she know about me? So many how, what, where, when and who came dashing in my mind. Each brought more and more questions… Where Yaya-chan seemed to know so much about me, I’ve barely touch the surface of the enigma that is Nanto Yaya.
We rode in silence most of the way. I was depressed right now. Amane-sempai seemed to have noticed it and just took my hand in one of hers and gently patted it, which seemed to calm me a little. She didn’t say anything, I wasn’t sure if she understood my pain or couldn’t find the words to use to cheer my up like Yaya-chan does. But that was alright; ‘Amane-sempai is Amane-sempai, Yaya-chan is Yaya-chan.’
I was glad the train was empty, especially in the last car which we rode. I didn’t notice it earlier but she had also been drying my tears for me. She allowed me to rest my head on her shoulder, I found myself slowly drifting to a light sleep.
When I woke up, the train had already gone to a complete stop. It would stay in this station for a few minutes which meant none of the passengers, getting on or getting off had to worry about not making it on time.
“Did you have a good nap?” Amane-sempai asked me with a soft gentle smile.
To which I answered with a nod and a smile of my own. She led us off the empty train, the batch new passengers were just beginning to get on. I found myself pondering on sempai’s recent words… “Did you have a good nap…?” her voice replayed in my head once more. Only to be replaced by Yaya-chan’s own… a memory of a day we sat outside under the shade of a tree. It was a good memory…
We had a picnic one Sunday morning and I had found myself feeling sleepy after singing, walking with her around the lake and a nice simple picnic meal that we made together. She had told me to rest for a while before we went back to the dorm as it was too early and the warm sun and the cool breeze just felt to good to waste indoors, when I woke up I found myself laying on her lap as and her eyes gently staring down at me with a smile on her lips, and now that I think about it… her smile is very lovely. She brushed off a few stray hairs that threatened to poke my eyes before she greeted me with her cheerful voice and asked me “Did you have a good nap. Hikari?”
“Hikari?” Amane-sempai’s voice snapped me out of my daydream.
“Yes?...” I asked softly, blushing that I had been strangely out of it.
She just smiled and turned towards the path to our dorms then pointed somewhere there. I turned to look and noticed a familiar, red capped raven haired girl beside a very pink clad shorter girl, that I’m sure was unmistakably Yaya-chan and Tsubomi-chan.
Neither of us seemed to want to walk up to them and talk. We unconsciously agreed to follow and watch them from afar. When they reached near the dorm gates, they stopped for a bit and so did we. I’m sure Yaya-chan would recognize me at a glance so I decided to hide behind some a tree. We watched Yaya-chan write something on her note book and show it to Tsubomi-chan, who blushed and nodded. I wonder what was written on it.
Yaya-chan then placed her notebook in the bag she carried and then gently cupped Tsubomi-chan’s blushing face. ‘Is she going to kiss her?!’ I thought. It seemed so possible, especially after… I shrugged off the memory of my first kiss… and watched, hoped and prayed she wasn’t going to… I found myself clutching the fabric above my heart tightly, as a pang of emotions threatened to squeeze my breath away.
They were still for a few moments… which didn’t last too long. Yaya-chan then resumed closing the gap between them. I looked away…
‘NO! Please! NO!’ What am I saying? Shouldn’t I be supporting her at times like these? What’s wrong with me…
I then heard an audible sigh of relief coming from Amane-sempai. I turned to her, to see that she looked relieved about something. I turned my attention back to Yaya-chan and Tsubomi-chan., my unreasoned wish seems to have been granted as I had hoped very strongly that they did not kiss. What I saw instead still surprised me, but relieved me as well. Yaya-chan had placed her arms around Tsubomi-chan’s neck, locking her into a tight hug.
I found myself realizing a breath of relief and slowly sat myself on the soft green grass under the tree. I heard the grass beside me rustling and I soon found my neck in between and wrapped with Amane-sempai’s arms.
“I’m sorry. I kind of got jealous of them, being so close to each other.” She said, blushing as she gazed at me with her soft eyes.
I soon found myself blushing as well. I had to gather up most of my shyness and shove it in a locker in my mind just so I could bring myself to wrap my own arms around her as well. “Me too…” I could feel her smile from the side of my own cheek. I guess our date wasn’t entirely ruined.
After a few minutes in each other’s arms we rose and were glad to find that Yaya-chan and Tsubomi-chan were no longer where they once stood. We entered the dorm and slowly parted, saying our soft goodbyes hopefully none of the other students saw us together.
I headed back to our room. But I decided not to hurry at all. ‘I should probably give her enough time to change or something. Or she might think I was following her…’ It took me around 10 minutes to get to our room, when it usually took no more than 3 minutes to get there even when one was just walking. Oh well… I did after all had decided to wander around the ground floor first before heading up to our floor.
When I got to our room, I was a bit disappointed that Yaya-chan wasn’t there waiting to greet me. Then again she probably didn’t expect me home so early. She was inside our bathroom, taking a shower. I was about to knock and say that I was home, but when I saw the notebook she used a just a few minutes ago on her table the routine just faded out of me. Without really thinking about it, I found myself picking the notebook up and flipping to a few random pages.
Honestly… I didn’t like what I saw… it was colorful page with a drawing of herself and Tsubomi-chan, with the lines “Let’s go on a date!” I didn’t know what to think or what I should feel. A few pages later, I found out that Yaya-chan was actually taking herself to the hospital and asked Tsubomi-chan to accompany her. I randomly turned pages back and forth. A lot of Yaya like responses that made me smile… and a few not the did not seem the least bit like Yaya-chan that I knew and … ‘knew and what?...’ … I sighed at my internal self conflict. ‘Should I dare I say love?’
But if they were just going to the hospital, why were they out having fun… I found myself answering that question, I mean it was really silly of me to ask… I would have done the same so long as I wasn’t busy. They were already in town after all why waste the trip… I guess…
My thoughts was soon brought to a screeching halt as the water from the shower suddenly stopped. I hurriedly returned the notebook just as I had found it. I then opened the door loudly that it creaked. “I’m back!” I call out cheerfully… at least as cheerful as I could manage before closing the door once more.
Yaya-chan then came out of the bathroom, her hair was wrapped in her towel she hand already change into something to she could sleep in. She smiled and waved as she looked at me. I don’t think I can ever tell her than I read her earlier conversations. She sat on her bed and picked up her notebook, for a second I thought she found out that I had read her notebook, especially when she began writing something. I thought that she was going to scold me right then and there. But to my relief she just welcomed me back to our room and asked about my day.
I had pretty much glossed over today’s events. I had paid extra attention so as not to mention the places that we had spotted her and Tsubomi-chan. I could tell that she was a little nervous about it as well like she feared that I’d mention seeing her there. I decided not to mention it for now. After all there wasn’t really a good reason for me to… not for now anyway.
After some small talk and short written conversations on her part, she decided to get her homework done so that she could finally catch up and be up to date with the rest of the class. I made some tea for her while she worked which I served along with some sweet butter biscuits. She happily thanked me, noting that she needed something to hold her while we waited for dinner time.
I found myself watching her a lot, the way her eyes lazily gazed at her books as she studied, the way that her lips curled as she would sip her tea, the way she nibbled on each biscuit, the way she very lady like sniffled a bored yawn, the elegant strokes of her pen, the gentle and curious way she stared at me… ‘what? oh my…’ I didn’t realized it, I had been staring at her for so long that she caught me. A very familiar smile of mischief crept up of her lips… the very smile that cause countless moments of embarrassments and blushes was now of all times oddly a welcome sight.
She had opened her notebook again, and wrote; “Hikari… why are you staring at me?”
“I… uhh… umm…” I couldn’t say anything.
“You have Otori-sama now. She’s pretty big catch, you most likely wouldn’t need to cheat. But if you did you really shouldn’t go for someone like me.” She quickly wrote and showed me. Her smile weakened… I knew that much without looking.
I didn’t know how but I lost it somehow the words cheat and what she called Amane-sempai didn’t even register in my mind. It pained me when I read the last sentence, she was demeaning herself, sure it wasn’t all there but I knew she was trying to telling me that she wasn’t special. And before I could really think about it… I said; “How can you say that! Yaya-chan you’re special to me too! You’re… you’re…” the mischief in her smile faded, the smile itself was gone for a few moments, before being replaced by one that I knew deep inside was genuine. It wasn’t a big smile, it wasn’t bright, but it was Yaya-chan’s real smile.
“Thank you… Hikari.” She quickly noted.
Just like that all use for words seemed to have vanished. I found myself throwing myself at Yaya-chan, she dropped her notebook onto the floor in her surprise. I hugged her tightly by her waist while I laying my head on her slim abdomen. Tears of mixed emotions just streamed from my eyes, I tried my best at holding them back. But she didn’t seem to mind. I could feel her gentle hand brushing my hair, just like she had done so many times before. I slowly gave in to my tears. I was happy; being here in her arms and the question why did not matter to me right now. I was. And for now that was enough…
Back to Yaya's Voice Index - Back to Strawberry Panic Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction