This chapter got away from me a little, but I liked how it turned out. I'm open to the accusation that the last bit is filler- heck, it is filler- but I think it adds something to the table anyway. Hopefully you'll agree.
“Hi.” Momomi dumped their lunches in Kaname’s lap then threw herself forwards onto her girlfriend’s bed, sighing hugely. “What a crappy day…”
“Hmm? Something wrong?”
“No, of course not, I’m just pissed off because a first year tried to kill me with a pencil sharpener.”
“Oh, right. Well, considering pencil sharpeners are not lethal weapons and first years are not lethal, I’m sure you’ll survive the trauma.” Kaname leaned back slightly, resting her hands on the bed. “But my day was good, thanks for asking.”
“Jeez. You suck. That’s no fun at all.” Momomi prodded Kaname on the arm, pouting cutely. “But thanks for your overwhelming concern, anyway.”
“Oh? Is something wrong, then?”
Momomi snorted, turning and looking at the ceiling. “Yes, there is, Miss Oh-so-literal. I’m in really bad mood, and you aren’t doing anything to help me with that.”
“So what’s up, then?” Kaname touched Momomi’s leg idly, glancing at the girl. “Listening to explain it is going to be less painful than your heavy-handed hints, sadly.”
“Smartarse.” Momomi puffed her cheeks out. “Well, half of it you know anyway, not that you care. But am I really the only one who thinks Olesa is being a stupid, foolish, easily-distracted little twerp?”
“You mean the transfer thing, or just generally?”
“Either is good. But mostly the former.”
Kaname shrugged. “Well, it’s natural enough, isn’t it? For someone like her?”
“Just because it’s natural, that doesn’t mean that it’s smart. She’ll be moving a worse environment with more religion, less freedoms and poor accommodation. This is a unique, after all, or so my mother tells me.”
“Well, I’m sure Spain has some perfectly decent schools for people rich and privileged enough to pay through the nose for education for their perfect little children,” Kaname muttered. “That’s not what I meant, though.”
“What is the point, though? This school’s perfectly good in every respect. Why go through the hassle and chaos of a whole new transfer just for the sake of it?”
“To leave her reputation as a troublemaker behind?” Kaname suggested. “Don’t you wish you could do that from time to time?”
“Of course not. That’s just a lazy and stupid attitude. You just have to carry yourself with pride… that certainly isn’t a problem for her. But more than that, it really is such an unnecessary thing to do. She doesn’t get that many problems from her reputation, which in any case is a lot better than ours.” Momomi shook her head irritably. “What else is there to say? To be close to her mother? She’ll be staying at a boarding school, anyway. And that goes for cultural differences, too. The rich and segregated are the same everywhere, I can assure you.”
“Well, who knows?” Kaname shrugged. “She thinks it’s a good idea, so that’s that.”
“That doesn’t make it a good idea! The whole thing’s just bloody stupid, what can I say?” Momomi huffed. “Even if they think it’s a good idea, an idiot’s idea is an idiot’s idea.”
“If you say so…” Kaname sighed, rubbing her nose, and wondered when Momomi would work the issue out of her system.
Not any time soon, apparently. “And Amiki!” Momomi continued, turning her head back to face the wall behind her. She held that position for a few moments, stretching, then curled inwards in a catlike manner. Her hands rested on the bed. “Amiki just plain pisses me off. Yes, ojou-sama, no ojou-sama, soon we shall be the ultimate power in the universe ojou-sama. Doesn’t she have any independent views at all? It’s pretty annoying, talking to Olesa’s PR woman.”
“Well, I can certainly understand your sentiments,” Kaname admitted. “But aren’t you being a little harsh all of a sudden?”
“There’s nothing harsh about it. She’s got such a martyr complex, you know that. She’ll sacrifice the heavens and the earth if it’ll make Olesa happy. No, that’s not it. She’ll sacrifice everything even if Olesa only thinks something will make her happy, regardless of Amiki’s own opinion on the matter. Stupid, isn’t it?”
“It’s not stupid as such, because it isn’t a matter of dependence. She decides, over and over, to live that way… now, anyway. You were probably more right before, but I think she’s changed.” Kaname sighed. “Did I just defend Amiki? That’s just plain messed up, right there. What is the world coming to?”
“I don’t know, but I still don’t think anything’s changed. Olesa exploits Amiki, Amiki says she thinks that’s fine, so Olesa exploits her… it goes on. I’m a member of Olesa’s class but I find that kind of deference disgusting.” Momomi yawned slightly. “This thing with the schools is just case and point. You can tell it’s Olesa’s idea, through it all.”
“My guess would be that Amiki is more argumentative when they are private. In public, they maintain the public face.” Kaname chuckled, trying to lighten the tone. “Unlike us, who argues wherever we damn please, right?”
Momomi frowned irritably. “I know that. But it’s not like Amiki’s ever changed anything when it really matters…”
“We don’t know that. But even if you’re right, these are all Amiki’s choices, aren’t they?” Kaname shook her head. “People as intelligent as those two at least deserve to
be hoisted by their own petard, right?”
Momomi prodded her in the flank with her toe, scowling at her. “What’s up with all the arguments, anyway? You bash those two all the time, don’t you?”
“Well, you generally provide the balance in moments like that,” Kaname observed. “I’m just completing the role-reversal.”
Momomi looked away, frowning lightly. “As ever, you’re quick with a smart answer.”
“Aren’t you in a bad mood,” Kaname teased, looking down at her with affectionate eyes. “Are you that fluffy and defensive about this?”
“What are you talking about?” Momomi demanded. “This stuff just makes me angry, that’s all.”
“Well, it’s a little hard to take you seriously when you’re lying down like that.” Kaname placed a hand on her girlfriend’s stomach, smirking. “No general’s ever won a war without getting out of bed.”
Momomi simply looked away again, face unreadable.
“What?” Kaname asked, seriously for once. “Got a stomach-ache?” Well, mostly serious.
“Say, Kaname.”
“Yes?”
“Doesn’t it bother you?”
“What? Olesa and Amiki leaving?”
“Mm.” Momomi nodded briefly, folding her arms behind her head and sighing wistfully. “I mean, we haven’t known each other for all that long in relative terms, and to say it’s been fraught is to make a huge understatement, but all the same… won’t you miss them? Isn’t annoying to have something like that ending, almost as soon as it began?”
“Well, it is a little annoying, I guess.” Kaname took her hand away, falling backwards herself and resting her head on Momomi’s legs. “But it’s not like they’ll be controlled by that. If we wanted something, we’d be the same. So it’s natural, and not something I resent them for.”
“It’s not that I resent them for it. I just think they’re making a stupid decision.” Momomi frowned at her. “Hey. Don’t lie there. Move, already.”
“No. I like it here.”
“Lazy bastard.”
“But, stupid, is it?” Kaname mused, stretching her arms. “I suppose you could say that. It’s not our decision, though. Like I said before, they’ll do what they like. Do point in getting worked up about it.”
“That’s such a careless attitude…”
“I’m not careless. I just know what’s worth my time caring about.”
“So it’s just me, huh?”
Kaname turned her head, but Momomi was looking away again. She frowned, momentarily wondering how to approach the problem. “Well, you’re the only one stubborn enough to tell people how to live. Not even Shion’s that bad, now is she?”
“I’m not giving them orders. I’m just annoyed that they chose this, that’s all.”
“They’re only considering it. As Olesa says, you shouldn’t get too ahead of yourself.”
“I know.” Momomi closed her eyes and shook her head. “It just doesn’t make sense to me, though. They’ve been here for two years without any complaints, and now when they actually have true friends, not lackeys, they decide to fly off somewhere… what’s the matter? Are they scared or something?”
“True friends, huh?”
“Well, not really,” Momomi replied hastily. “It’s just a figure of speech. But we’re a lot closer to that than anyone else they’ve ever had. Because it’s them, of course, that isn’t hard.”
“I can see that. You’re cute when you’re defensive, though.”
“As I’m the one who does that more often! I’m not being defensive!”
“Yes, yes.” Kaname smiled, pleased by her temper. “But it’s probably your fault, you know.”
“What? Is being my friend that arduous for them, or something?”
“No.” Kaname shook her head lightly. “Not at all. But you said a lot of silly things to her… the most important was that she should take everything, fulfil her obligations and live her own life both. That’s the kind of thing that’s made her change, and do superfluous things like this.”
“Is that so?” Momomi snorted. “Honestly, isn’t this the opposite of living for everything?”
“Oh, give them a chance to make new friends, if they want it. We’ve both said that this school is too sheltered, anyway.”
“Yeah, well, wherever she’s going next is probably going to be just as bad.”
“No one told them that, though.” Kaname shrugged. “Besides, we can still keep in touch. This is the modern age, you know.”
“It wouldn’t be the same.”
“Well, you’re a touching friend for them, anyway.” Kaname smiled. “So the best thing you can do is accept that.”
“As if the two concepts go together,” Momomi retorted. “You’re my girlfriend, but I argue with you more often than that.”
“Well, that’s what I’d say to a normal person, anyway. You’re somewhat different, like you said, so forget it.”
“You know just how to cheer me up, don’t you?” Momomi observed sarcastically.
“Naturally. I’ve been around you for long enough, haven’t I?” Kaname smiled. “So, how about some exciting Biology?”
“Drop dead.” Momomi slid one of her legs out from under Kaname’s head, pressing it against Kaname’s neck and nearly choking her. “You’re not allowed to move. I haven’t finished complaining about the futility of existence.”
“Ow! That hurts!” Kaname managed to shift Momomi’s leg downwards to moderately less painful regions. “Honestly, you don’t let me get comfortable, do you?”
“Do you ever let me be comfortable? It’s only fair.” Momomi shook her head darkly. “This one, though, you probably won’t argue…”
“This one?”
“No, forget it, I guess. It isn’t too important.”
“Oh, really?”
“I’m just being broody, that’s all. Besides, you’ll only be sarcastic.”
“Hmm. Does this have anything to do with Amane, then? Especially after she didn’t ride with you in breaktime…”
“How do you know about that?”
“I was in the audience, obviously. Or have you conveniently forgotten the fact that I’m always looking over you?” Kaname sighed, shaking her head. “I’m so unappreciated.”
“Well, you’d be right, anyway,” Momomi said. “Now that goes beyond bloody annoying.”
“Do she doesn’t turn up. That just means she’s sick, right?”
“She turned up to the stables, at least, so you can’t have been watching us very carefully.” Momomi turned sideways, looking across the room. “But it’s very annoying. Even after all this time, she’s still as cold and aloof as all that…”
“As all that?” Kaname asked. “What’s she done now?”
“She was in a foul mood. Something Koike did or said to her, that much was obvious. But she didn’t tell me anything at all. She said it had nothing to do with me.” Momomi snorted. “Honestly, what kind of reply is that? Even if she doesn’t want to be bothered, can’t she put it a little more politely?”
Koike? What’s that psychotic girl doing now? ‘I like Amane’, indeed…but if she can bother the ice prince at all, perhaps she’s not as irrelevant as she seems. “Well, this is Amane we’re talking about. What did you expect from her?”
“I don’t know. Something. Anything. It’s not like I haven’t put the effort in. She’s such hard work, but she never does anything herself. And she doesn’t even appreciate what I do! If it’s nothing to do with me, what do you have to give to be someone relevant to her? Give blood?”
Kaname chuckled. “I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“I’m not joking.” Momomi pushed herself up, sliding her legs off the bed and resting them on the floor. She gave the opposite wall a stare that told it not to try anything funny if it wanted to live. “I’m hardly like anyone else in that situation, now am I? She should know by now, I’m not a bloody fangirl.”
“Of course not,” Kaname replied neutrally, unsure of what tone to strike. She’s exercising my mind today, now isn’t she?
Momomi scowled deeply. “All the same, though, even if she’s cold and careless, I give a damn about her! I don’t have any idea why, but I do! I care! Even though she’s shoved so many troubles away with her ‘ah’, even if she’s defensive, manipulative and vaguely hostile to everyone around her, even if she’s always troubling me, I still give a damn. Because she’s so… lonely.”
Kaname nodded briefly. So this is the real thing. The other stuff was just a prologue.
“How can you sympathise with a lonely person who deliberately drives everyone else away, though?” Momomi asked. “I was the same, I should know, and Olesa and Amiki as well, and even Shion a little… and you. We were all lonely and defensive but we still opened up to each other over time. It wasn’t like we really chose to be that way.”
“Was it that bad, then? I mean, she’s always been defensive.”
“It was pretty bad. But what she said isn’t the important thing, really. It’s just frustrating.”
“Frustrating?”
“Earlier, when she told me about herself, just a little, I thought I was getting somewhere, but-” Momomi shook her head furiously. “This time, when she actually had a current problem, she pushed me away that easily. So what’s up with her? What did I do wrong?”
“It’s a cliché, but there’s no helping some people.” Kaname shrugged. “She’s stubborn and strong enough to reject you even if she needs you. Like Olesa and Amiki’s decision, shouldn’t you respect that choice?”
“But that’s just so… useless.” Momomi glanced sharply at her. “This is different. After this kind of time and effort, it just pisses me off. I’m not someone who comes and goes for her convenience! I’m not going to let her get away that easily!”
Kaname stared at her, frowning slightly. She has that look about her again. This isn’t good, to say the least. Whatever I say or do now she’s still going to shoot off and do something stupid. It’s a matter of pride, and her pride is even bigger than mine when it finally comes into play…“Well, like I said. If this is how she wants things, shouldn’t you just go with it? Isn’t it rude to charge in again?”
“This is tough love. Like I said, I never talked to her just to reinforce her ego in the first place.”
“Really? Well, it’s not like you’ve ever achieved anything but that, to be honest. Has she ever listened to you?”
“She’s listened, and she has cared, and she has entrusted some things to me… I know that.” Momomi’s hands curled inwards, gripping her skirt. “But somehow, I don’t know exactly, but I’ve never gone quite far enough. Whatever I am to her, it’s been someone she can’t fully trust. She can never take that extra step. It’s so… I don’t know.”
“You talk about it as if it’s your fault, but it’s probably not. If she can’t trust you, that’s not your fault.”
“I told you, what she thinks doesn’t matter. I’ll make her trust me, if I have to! That’s why I’m not through just yet.”
“Mightn’t that make her hate you?” Kaname warned. As I thought, she just won’t give up. “Is that what you want? You know she hates anyone who invades her precious personal space. Isn’t this way better than that?”
“I know. I know already, but I’m not that kind of person… I won’t let anyone drift away from me! I’d rather see it all shatter and fall apart than see someone drift away from me. Whoever they are! Do you get it, Kaname?”
Kaname’s eyes widened. “I get it, already. But why? Isn’t it just a lot easier to do let go?”
“Because if I sit around now, then I’ll worry and wonder later. I’ll kill all my hopes now, if I have to. When I said to Olesa, to fight and win at everything, to take everything…” Momomi waved a hand vaguely. “You know what I mean. This is that, too.”
“I see.” Kaname looked down at the bed, her brow wrinkling. “So that’s why you’re going so far for her...”
“How about you, Kaname?”
“Hmm?”
“What would you do in my position?”
Kaname frowned. “What, I wonder? You know, I don’t know at all.”
“I guess you’ve never been in that position,” Momomi muttered spitefully.
Kaname ran a hand through her hair, feeling increasingly tired. “So, what now? Shall we finally get to work?”
“I’m going to see Amane.”
“Say what?”
“I told you, didn’t I? I presume you were listening.” Momomi stood up, brushing herself off. “Depending on how things go, I’ll be back, sooner or later. Don’t worry about it.”
“Don’t worry about it?” Kaname stood as well, glaring at her. “What do you mean, don’t worry about it? Do you think I’m just going to let you skip whenever you like?”
“Well, this is important for me, even if you don’t give a damn. So forget it, I’ll be here tomorrow, won’t I?”
“Even if you are, you’re going to waste twenty minutes eating and ten minutes-”
“Hmm? This is the first time you’ve complained about it, isn’t it?”
“Maybe, but this is getting to a problem,” Kaname retorted. “I told you, didn’t I? This exam isn’t anything you can take lightly! You can’t just fly off whenever you feel like it!”
“This isn’t whenever I feel like it!” Momomi snapped. “I told you it all anyway, even if you were only half-listening. So for those reasons, I’m going to see her now. You understand, don’t you?”
“No, actually, I don’t understand. I never bloody have.” Kaname folded her arms. “Why are you going so far for her, damnit? She doesn’t give a damn about you anyway, so what’s the bloody point?”
“Perhaps you wouldn’t understand, considering you hate her so much, but you should remember… the old Kaname wasn’t someone who gave a damn about me either!”
Kaname scowled. “So she’s the new me now, is she?”
“She’s herself, but more like you than you’d think. Is there a problem with that?”
“Of course there’s a problem with that! You’re wasting her time, your time, and my time on a stupid pig-headed way to work out your guilt! That’s the problem!”
“Oh? And how about you, who didn’t care until just now? Aren’t you just saying things for your own convenience? I’m getting sick and tired of your bloody feud.”
“I’m saying things I thought I wouldn’t have to say, because you’re going way too far!” Kaname took a step forwards, looking down at her girlfriend. “You can waste your time but there should be limits, and this is it. Are you even going to achieve anything?”
“I don’t know, but whatever. You can stay here and study or whatever is worrying you.” Momomi turned and walked towards the door. “It’s got nothing to do with you, after all.”
“Hey!” Kaname snatched up her pillow, throwing it hard and hitting Momomi on the back of the head. “What did you just say, damnit? Are you even listening to yourself!” Momomi stopped. “Hey, answer me!”
Momomi turned her head, eyes wavering, face locked into a frown. “It’s true for you, isn’t it? You don’t care about Amane, you don’t want to care, and you don’t even try to pretend to care, so it’s irrelevant to you! That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
“I don’t give a fuck about Amane! But I do care about you, damnit!” Kaname stared at her, her stomach fluttering unpleasantly. “Though I don’t know why… but it’s you as well as her we’re talking about! Of course it has something to do with me!”
“But isn’t about you or her! Can’t you just give it up, already! She’s the one being annoying, I don’t need this crap from you as well!” Momomi kicked the pillow irritably. “Get it into your bloody thick head for once! Not everything is a contest between you and Amane!”
“And you should notice that you can’t just eliminate yourself from the equation when it suits you!” Kaname stared at her, half-wondering what it was she was saying right now. “So perhaps Amane rates you alongside her third-best horse. What of it? How about my feelings? Aren’t my feelings stronger? Aren’t I the one who loves you?”
Momomi stared at her for a moment, shocked, and Kaname dared to hope that she’d stay after all. But her eyes fell into that gaze and her face sat in that way and she knew it was over, all over again. “Even then, you can’t monopolise me! What right have you to control me?”
“Who said anything about that! Don’t be egotistical!” Kaname shouted, gritting her teeth in frustration. “You can’t monopolise me either, Momomi! You can’t leave and do what you like, presuming I’ll stay here and be around whenever you feel it! I’m not taking that!”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, you’re overreacting! It’s for one bloody lunchtime, get a sense of perspective!”
“So it’s one lunchtime! But I’ve heard that before, haven’t I? First it was morning and break, now we’re doing your bloody play, and you think it’s fine to go swanning off to Amane now as well! One way or the other, this is the only real time we have together any more. I’m your girlfriend, aren’t I? So how much more of that is she going to take away from me!”
“I told you, this isn’t about you! This doesn’t have anything to do with you! Can’t you understand that this is something I care about?” Momomi stepped forwards, throwing her arm to the side in frustration. “It’s always about you, isn’t it?”
“That’s my line! It’s always you and your bloody aspirations! Olesa, Shion, Amane, the play, always, always, always what’ll advantage you! Why do we have to conquer everything? Are you ever going to get around to being satisfied with what you have?”
Momomi glared at her for a long moment. “It’s better than staying here and rotting in here isn’t it? If you want to go back to that, you can!”
“Things are… fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck you.” Kaname turned her back, shoving her hands in her pockets. “Do what you like!”
“I will, whether I have your permission or not.” Momomi turned and flounced away, shoving the door open and stepping outside. She paused momentarily and looked over her shoulder. “Aren’t you hypocritical, though? Let them do what they like…why are you getting off your ass for this one, all of a sudden?”
Kaname turned, red eyes wild. “Get out!”
Momomi slammed the door. Two seconds later, Kaname kicked it, hurting her foot in the process. She ignored the pain and a sneaking paranoia concerning her biggest toe, slamming a fist against the door for good measure. “Damnit!” Her breathing was ragged, her body shaking.Five seconds. I swear, five more seconds, and I would have smashed that smug face to pieces…God knows she deserved it! Who the hell does she think she is? Is this all I am, damnit? Someone to leave behind? Just an interesting thing to play around with? She’ll bend at the knees for Amane but she won’t give me the time of day, and where’s the justice in that? She’s just the most stupid, inelegant, arrogant egotistical manipulative cruel stupid brat! What hasn’t she done? That’s my line too! How much further can I have gone? What haven’t I given already! For all she complains about Amane, it’s only about her own interests, she doesn’t care about my sacrifices! What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit back and let her do what she likes? She said it herself, didn’t she? Better to end it in flames than let it slip away from you slowly. Kaname smiled ironically. What fucking stupid advice. Her knees folded under her and she slid down the door, kneeling in front of the floor. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, trying to stop her body from shaking. What happened to the anger? Isn’t that better? Isn’t anger and hate better? Right now, I just feel sick. That’s all. Ill and disgusted, with her and with myself and with Amane…damnit! What’s wrong with me? It shouldn’t be this painful. She doesn’t care, it’s ‘nothing to do with me’! So why am I letting her win like this? Am I that dependant on her now? Damnit! What am I supposed to do?
Kaname sat there for a few moments, collecting herself, then she forced herself to her feet. She rubbed her eyes and shook out her hair angrily.Okay, so it hurts. Deal with it! Sitting here and being miserable is what you did before, and that’s just too pathetic! So what are you going to do? Cry and rot in this room, waiting for her to come back? And perhaps she’ll be gracious and kiss it better? Screw that! I’m not that weak, not then and not now. So what? Shion? Serané? Kariya? Even Amiki? Am I going to sink that low again? She breathed deeply, drawing on her new-found anger. Am I going to beg for help again, like some kind of bedraggled bird blown around by a squall? Why should I? How am I going to grow if I keep acting like that? What are they going to think of me if I keep acting like that? And what is Momomi going to say? That I’m clingy? As if I’d give her the satisfaction… I’m not beaten by this. I’m tougher than this. So this time, I won’t rely on anyone. This time, I’ll deal with it myself, the good and the bad. I’m not some spoiled brat, I can do that much. Even if she expects me to rot here for her convenience, I’ll show her how much I’ve grown! Even if she hasn’t noticed! A smaller voice added even if I’ve grown for her. That voice still sounded like Kariya, and she still hated it. I’m stronger now, and I won’t let anyone forget that!
She opened the door and stepped out, slamming it after her. A vase full of wilting roses vibrated on the dresser behind her.
Koike pricked her finger against a thorn, frowning and looking at the red blood that oozed outwards. I’d like to say that I thought like that. But I can believe in that as well, the nobility of dying together, the idea that this is a feeling that can transcend everything else in this world. Do idealists feel the same burning passion? Do they instinctively understand what drives their opponents, even as they are locked in a deadly struggle? Are the meanings inherent in those deaths lost on anyone who has not felt that same passion? After all, not many people can dedicate their lives to a cause. But we all believe in love. It’s a ridiculous, self-indulgent emotion, a hopeless piece of self-gratification, a delusional dream that we collectively cling to because it feels happy and satisfying amidst a chaotic and dangerous and thoroughly unhappy world. Will love feed Africa? Will love halt global warming? Can we really make love, not war? Of course not. But in the heart of people’s hearts, they don’t care about that stuff anyway. They just want to be happy, themselves, and because love makes you happy at the best of times we all elevate it. That’s so universal that it’s the closest thing we get to an admission of our own selfishness. Unsurprising, then, that the notion of romantic love is strongest in the western world. That’s where it belongs, isn’t it, along with rampant commercialism and individual self-interest?She brushed her finger against her lips. But even if I recognise that intellectually, I’m no different. I still cling to this thing called love. Even now, I use it as a device to reconstruct my mental self, becoming a tragic heroine rather than a sad girl with a crush… hilarious. But that’s the nature of love, isn’t it? Love can excuse the most horrific of crimes far more easily than a mere ideal.
Koike opened her eyes. “Oh? So you found me?”
“You bitch! What the hell did you tell Amane?”
Koike smirked, looking down at the floor. “All in all, probably not what you think.”
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