Some say Amane's horse is Star Bride. Wiki says Star Bright but I've taken to rendering that Starbright, because the pronunciation feels better. My proposition, with apologies to Flower-san, is that we call him Star Birdie from now on. Sophisticated irony, ne?
Yeah, right. Momomi’s too important for my usual flighty charge. Kaname’s fingers traced little circles on her duvet. But still, that sliding scale is very difficult for someone like me. Some things are hard to deny. I love Momomi’s company, and for preference I’d be with her more often than not, as much as physically possible. I also like having some sense of physical intimacy, the touching, hugging, even holding hands; those are all things I enjoy, because they make me feel closer to her. I still find it weird to be loved but I’m beginning to understand some sense of attraction. I can look at her and be interested with even little details, watching her is a pastime and an end unto itself. She is beautiful, and that’s clear for me to see. I’m beginning to wonder what it’d be like to kiss her, and I no longer automatically assume it would be a traumatic experience. No, more than that, I’m beginning to…well…fantasise about it. Just a little, before I stop myself. If that romantic love? Or am I just wilfully deluding myself, because I’ve grown so used to those stories and that way of thinking at this school? Everyone is basically pressurising me into this, ostensibly to make me realise my true feelings. They may be right; they may be doing just that. Or they may be pushing me to think I’m going through something that has no depth or reality to it. I can’t tell. Feelings are so transient and I have no experience with these feelings to know. I feel like I need…something. Something solid and absolute and there. And when I think of that, the only thing I think of Momomi, and how warm she feels in my arms.
Someone knocked at the door. Kaname went through some mental calculations, based on what she knew of her friends. Shion, Serané or a Sister. Everyone else would simply walk in. She rolled over, facing the wall, and hoped that they went away.
“Kenjou-kun? Can I come in?” Another knock. It was Serané’s voice.
Kaname closed her eyes and tried to still her breathing.
“If you’ll excuse me.” Serané opened the door and stepped in, closing it behind her. “You know, it’s not polite to stay silent under these circumstances, Kenjou.”
“What do you want?”
“Someone has been skipping lessons all day. I have a duty to investigate.”
“Aren’t you the one skipping lessons here, and as my senior?”
“I would have a private study period right now, actually. But some things are best dealt with at this time, not at other times. For instance, what Kariya’s dealing with right now.” Serané shook her head. “Some Lulim first years were bullying their compatriots in Miator. You’re a little lucky. I have a gentler touch.”
“Unlike them,” Kaname replied, sounding bored. “Wait… hang on a second. Lulim students bullying people? Let’s-make-paper-aeroplanes-and-watch-clouds Lulim?”
“Teenagers are teenagers everywhere, Kenjou-kun. The good and the bad.” Serané walked over and sat at the head of the bed, where Kaname had no choice but to look at her. “But I won’t let you change the subject. Why are you skipping out on lessons?”
“What is it to you?” Kaname glared at the wall. “I wanted to skip for the hell of it.”
“I doubt that. You haven’t done that since you and Kiyashiki-san became friends.” Serané smiled. “Lovesick?”
“Don’t screw with me.”
Serané prodded her on the forehead. “That’s don’t screw with me, Etoile-sama to you, thank you very much. But I still think it’s probably something like that. Ohtori-san and her… it’s an interesting situation, isn’t it?”
“She said she’s not interested,” Kaname muttered. “It’s fine.”
“So you have talked about it. Well, I think it’s a pity. They’d make a nice couple, though I shouldn’t say such things.” Serané shrugged. “More importantly, Kiyashiki-san may be able to do for Ohtori-san what she did for you.”
“Don’t speak as if I’m the disease and Momomi’s the cure.”
Serané laughed. “Heaven forbid. But the two of you have improved each other’s behaviour, somewhat.”
“What’s that got to with anything?”
“Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.”
Kaname made no reply, and to her surprise, Serané didn’t move at all, or say anything either. They stayed like that for a few moments. Kaname stole a nervous glance upwards, only to find Serané sitting gracefully with her hands folded on her lap, blue eyes looking round the room with apparent interest. She looked away. Okay, so that’s how it is, is it? Well, screw her. I don’t know what she’s trying to achieve, but I’m not going to fall for it. I don’t have anything to say to her. She can sit here and stare at the wall all day for all I care. I don’t have anything to say to her, and I’m not going to go to lessons unless she forces me to do so, so forget it. I’ll just lie here like I was going to do anyway, and say nothing at all, and just think about what I was going to do anyway. Or… well… oh, screw it. There are times for dignity but this isn’t one of them. I just need answers. And this is someone who understands the sliding scale, according to my theory.
“Say, Serané… if I ask you a question, would you promise not to tell it to anyone, on the pain of torture, dismemberment and death?”
“That depends on the question, but… that would probably be fine. Certainly, for a personal matter.”
“Not even Kariya. Especially not Kariya.”
“That’s fine.”
“Right… well… that’s to say…”
“What is it?” Serané asked.
Kaname closed her eyes. Perhaps this would be easier if she pretended she was talking to herself. “If you… like someone, how can you tell?”
“I presume this isn’t the innocent friendship meaning of the term?”
“I don’t think so, no.”
“Well, you know how to ask a difficult question. I wish I had a definite answer to give you.” Serané was silent for a moment. “Well, I’ll start with myself. To me, a liking that became love… that was a long time ago, but I remember it quite well. It was a shift in awareness to me, from friend to something more, and I was never certain about it until well after that fact. Physical attraction, curiosity, emotional attachment and a mental possessive sense, my Kariya, increasing jealousy, enjoyment of her conversation and her silence, a general fascination with her… I’m blabbering. But all those things are involved. I became aware of other possibilities and started to think about them. That’s important, I think. Someone who isn’t interested won’t even notice other possibilities, in my experience.”
“Well, this has been brought rather forcibly to my attention.” All the same, I don’t do badly under those criteria…wait, this isn’t an exam, damnit! High marks doesn’t make me happy!
“All the same, you plainly aren’t pushing it to the back of your mind and forgetting about it.” Serané shrugged. “Well, since then, and especially since I became Etoile with Kariya and made everyone else’s business my own, I’ve seen a lot of couples in all states of emotion. People get together and break up for good and bad reasons, love and lust and crushes and admiration and even boredom, and the concept of liking can’t easily be defined.”
“Well, thanks for the answer.” Kaname kept her eyes closed and tried to disassociate the voice from Serané specifically.
“Now, now. I didn’t say I was finished. It’s difficult to tell. But, one thing I’ve noticed and learned from everything… feelings you keep locked in your heart are worthless. When you have the courage and strength to know you want to say yes, I feel something for you, I want to get to know you as more than just a friend… perhaps that, in itself, is what it means to truly like someone.”
“Feels a little backwards,” Kaname muttered.
“Well, liking someone and desiring to confess should be the same thing, to my mind. There are very few circumstances when I consider suppressing one’s feelings a good course of action.” Serané sighed. “But of course, you’re right. I haven’t really answered your question. I think it’s a realisation you have to find on your own terms.”
Kaname snorted. “You suck at giving guidance.”
“Well, there is one very useful way to clarify things,” Serané began, her tone lighter.
“Oh. What’s that, then?”
“Kissing someone.”
“Say what?” Kaname demanded, startled.
“Well, when I kissed Kariya after our first date… that was very memorable. I knew, then, that I really did like her.” Serané giggled. “Even if we did miss on the first try and banged jaws the second time. That was awkward, of course, these things tend to be. But for all that, I still didn’t fault that first kiss… it was a rush, of course, but somehow, between all the hormones, I knew it as well. It was clumsy and awkward but also gentle, somehow.”
“Why does everyone have to pick the most dramatic and excruciatingly embarrassing solution?” Kaname moaned. “On top of that, you managed to make it sound like it’s a generally horrible experience.”
“It isn’t at all. Just don’t expect to get things exactly right the first time.” Serané giggled again. “But that’s a positive, you know. It gives a new couple something to learn together. Quite the bonding exercise.”
“Ugh.”
“But you’re at an age that takes this very seriously, Kenjou-kun. I understand that, but not everything has to be perfect. The matter of a kiss is a good metaphor… you want things to be right the first time. I think they probably never will be. That’s not because I’m superior to you in any way. It’s just a matter of perspective.”
“What are you getting at?” Kaname demanded.
“Well, date her. Just once. At the end of the day, you kiss, and talk it out from there. By then, you should know either way. If you do like her, that’s good. If you don’t, then it’s not a big deal.”
“Well, that’d all be fine if she was some girl I don’t know very well, but it isn’t like that, is it?” Kaname sighed. “I could wreak an important friendship if I do this wrong…”
Serané smiled at her affectionately. “It’s not really a matter of right or wrong, Kenjou-kun. Try and see, that’s all. But I’d say that keeping this kind of thing locked up inside is even more dangerous for a friendship than giving things a try. If it really doesn’t work, she’ll know too. She won’t be too hurt by it.”
“Well, there’s that case when my hypothetical friend definitely likes me, for whatever reason. If things are like that, it just feels almost cruel, to go on a date, and then say no thanks. I’d be getting her hope up and disappointing her, and that wouldn’t make either of us happy. Plus kissing her is… well…”
Serané chuckled. “Alternately, you might want to tell her to wait a little. You’re young, after all.”
“Alright, alright.” Kaname sighed. “I wouldn’t mind kissing her. I think. If I can’t say that, you’re right. I might as well give up.”
“Don’t let you force me into anything. Too early is as bad as too late.”
“Yeah, yeah. Well, I’m just exploring my options, that’s all. Don’t get any funny ideas.”
“Of course. Perish the thought.” Serané sounded amused, though Kaname had closed her eyes again to avoid seeing her face. “But for what it’s worth, that is my advice. Date her, kiss her, talk and clear things up between the two of you. At the very least, it’ll be a new experience for you...”
Kaname groaned. “So’s being shot… that doesn’t make it a good idea…”
“One more thing, Kenjou-kun. I can offer you some more hypothetical advice about what, in my experience, makes for a good relationship.”
“I’m going to regret this,” Kaname mumbled. “I just know I am. Fine. Fire away.”
“Well, I’m no social scientist. But what works well, with my relationship and with others I know…” Serané frowned for a moment, then began to count off on her fingers. “Friendship, you have to get along well… honesty, you have to straight with each other, and you also have to be comfortable with telling them anything, even personal things about yourself… that’s probably separate, though… mutual physical attraction, of course… communication, if you have a problem you have to express it clearly… matching or at least tolerable values, beliefs and preferences in a relationship… compatible senses of space, you have to want to spend as much time with her as she does with you… empathy, understanding and caring… mutual respect, even if it’s a cliché… a willingness to make sacrifices while clearly indicating where the line is drawn…” at this point she ran out of fingers, “and sharing things together.”
“Such as?”
“Bothering an entire school’s worth of teenagers, for example.” Serané laughed. “I bet I just sounded really sappy. But it can’t be helped, love often is pretty sappy. That’s how it goes.”
“Yeah, you did sound like that,” Kaname muttered. “Do you have to state so much of this stuff? It’s embarrassing to draw lines so clearly.”
“Like I said, Kenjou-kun, communication is important. As long as you’re comfortable talking to her, though, it should be alright. Though some people prefer to show their feelings in public or not. That’s something else to worry about.”
“Why does everything have to be so complicated and painful sounding?” Kaname moaned. “It’s very off-putting.”
“I’m speaking with the benefit of hindsight. With Kariya, I didn’t exactly think things through, and we had our rough moments… but we scraped by somehow. But if you mean who I think you mean, I think you two should work out okay.” Serané shrugged. “It’s not like you’re getting married, or anything.”
“God. Don’t even mention things like that.”
“Just be sure to tell her things, Kenjou-kun.” Serané prodded her on the forehead again. “Us women are very troublesome, you know. We need to told we’re beautiful and precious about five times a week. We need to feel appreciated. So, if you think something like that, do say it. Even if you sound like an idiot it’ll at least be better than giving her the silent treatment.”
Kaname scowled. “Right. I’ll bear that in mind.”
“Don’t take things too seriously, but move at your own pace, too. You’ll be fine.” Serané clapped her hands. “But, more importantly, you can’t skive off lessons forever. I’ll take you back to whatever you’re supposed to be in now.”
Kaname rolled her eyes. “Yeah, tell me that after the huge counselling session.”
“Before you’d only brood and angst your way through the day. Now I’ve given you my sublime advice, you should be able to concentrate, right?”
“Not exactly. You’ve basically given me even more to worry about. That’s all.”
“Oh, well. It can’t be helped.” Serané patted her on the shoulder. “But you’d better get going. Kiyashiki-san would be very worried if she knew you were skipping lessons again.”
“Alright, alright. I don’t have a choice, do I?”
“No, you don’t. I just like to be polite.”
“Fine.” Kaname sat up and brushed herself off, slipping her shoes back on. “I’ll go to French, for what it’s worth. But what am I supposed to tell the teacher? That I was deliberating over whether to date my best friend?”
“I don’t think that would go down too well, no. If everyone in this school did that, no one would ever go to lessons at all.” Serané smiled. “Don’t worry, I’ll just say you were helping me out with something important.”
“Really? Damn. I owe you one.”
“You definitely do owe me one… don’t get used to this, okay? The next time I catch you bunking, I’ll feed you to Kariya. She is not kind to people who skip lessons.”
“I’ll bet,” Kaname replied, her mind dominated by visions of Kariya coming at her with her katana. “I’ll be good.”
“And you’ve quite ruined your uniform, Kiyashiki-san will be furious,” Serané remarked, walking towards the door. “What did you do?”
“I was just lying around in grassy places, that’s all.”
“And the hands?”
“I don’t talk about the hands.” Kaname stuck them in her pockets, feeling a slight twinge of pain. “It’s a little embarrassing.”
“That’s very nostalgic. I remember when Kariya used to come to me beaten black and blue, thanks to her kendo…”
“That Kariya? She’s the fricking invincible swordmistress of the blue moon or something, isn’t she?”
“Of course. But that was at her place in the holidays, being trained by her father’s people. They drove her very hard.”
Kaname snorted. “Does anyone here get along with their parents?”
“I do, somewhat. Though I’ve yet to really clarify what Kariya is to me. They suspect, all the same.”
“That doesn’t count. That’s just an argument that hasn’t happened yet.”
“Well, we’ve managed so far. We’ll see.”
“Those are famous last words, you know,” Kaname remarked, looking up at Serané. She tried to imagine the girl, years younger, messing up her first and second kiss with a shorter, less ferocious Kariya. It really didn’t work but it was very funny. She smirked despite herself.
“Something funny, Kenjou-kun?” Serané asked innocently.
“Not at all. But that’s something else. Why Kenjou-kun?”
“Why not? It suits you, Kenjou-kun.”
Kaname sighed. “I wish people would stop saying that…”
“Poor Kenjou-kun.”
Kaname walked in silence for a few moments, then changed the subject. “Well… how did you go about confessing?”
“Me? Oh, I must admit that I was a lucky girl on that front… Kariya did that for me. I just had to accept.”
“Well, fine. How did she do it?”
“Well, let’s see… I was doing homework in our room, and she was fiddling with her bokken. She’d been distracted and irritable all week, so I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing, and I said of course it’s not nothing, and then we had a row… well, I ended up giving her the silent treatment for a few days. At the end of it, she waited up outside my geography lesson and dragged me onto the roof. Then she confessed.”
Kaname snorted. “Trust her to make things overcomplicated.”
“Well, I was doing even worse than her, considering I’d already got a rough handle on my feelings and I still gave her the silent treatment. Actually, my reasons were in part because she wasn’t opening up as much as I wanted her too…”
“Ha. If you two started out so unromantically, there’s hope for everyone.”
“Oh, I found her awkward bluntness very romantic… but I suppose I would.” Serané looked down. “Any particular purpose behind your inquiry, Kenjou-kun?”
“Purely hypothetically, okay… is there a general rule or something?” Kaname looked away awkwardly. “Engineering a row just for that sounds a little overcomplicated.”
“You need help with that?” Serané shook her head. “In your hypothetical example, Kenjou-kun, you are in the most obscenely easy position. You already know her feelings. You could offhand it at the end of a lunchtime conversation and after you’d repeated it three times to make sure you weren’t joking she’d fall into your arms if you wanted her too.”
“Yeah, well… I don’t know, it’s still important, isn’t it?”
“You’ve looked after those flowers and watered them nicely, haven’t you?” Serané remarked. “They were a very nice gesture. I can understand your concern, if you have such a romantic example of confession so close to hand…”
“Yeah, well… that sort of thing comes more easily to her. I’m not really that kind of person, so I’m not sure what to do.”
“You do have it easy. I’m sure you’ll manage.”
“Still, after all this time, I feel I should make a gesture… an apology, as much as anything else…” Kaname closed her eyes for a moment. “You understand her flower-language thing, don’t you?”
Serané nodded. “Quite well, actually. Shall we stop for a moment and discuss this?”
“That might be a good idea.”
“Good afternoon, Ohtori-san.”
Amane glanced up, then moved Ganymede closer, stopping by the fence. “Good afternoon, Serané-sama.”
The blonde leaned on the fence, watching the other girl with interest. “I won’t stay to ride, I have something I need to do. But I thought I’d talk to you for a little while, while I’m here. You don’t mind, do you?”
“No.”
“How is Rafaela? Is she getting on alright?”
Amane nodded. “She’s fine. She’d prefer it if you came by more often, I think, but the rest of us keep her busy. She’s a good horse.”
“That’s good to know. And how are you? With Perez-san busy with her own matters, it must be inconvenient for you. Ganymede must be missing her.”
“Ah. It’s fine. We both manage. Perez-san tends to spend a little time with us in the evenings, anyway.”
“I see. Well, I wouldn’t like it if you two were growing apart. You don’t have many friends.”
“Ah.”
“You appear to have a new one, though.” Serané leaned forwards. “Momomi Kiyashiki-san… well, you may know her as Phareli-san.”
“Ah.”
“It’s very unusual of you to spend time with another girl your age,” Serané pressed. “Is there any reason for your preference?”
“It’s fine, isn’t it? I only see her in the mornings and at breaktime.”
“Of course. Well, it’s more than fine. For a problem child like you to socialise a little more… that’s a very encouraging thing.” Serané frowned. “But still, it’s unusual for you.”
Amane just shrugged and said nothing.
“That kiss earlier. Just what did that mean?”
“That? Oh, yes… that was interesting.” Amane smiled. “So many people making so much of so little. Even you, Etoile-sama. People work in strange ways.”
“I’m not making anything of it. I know enough to clarify first and conclude later.” Serané smiled and cocked her head. “But in any case, you caused Kenjou-kun no small amount of stress. She was quite introspective when I talked to her earlier.”
“That’s good. I talked to her. She doesn’t have a sensible attitude, or much self-awareness. Some thinking will do her good.”
Serané chuckled. “That was unusually rude of you.”
Amane frowned. “I’m sorry. But Kenjou-san irritates me, somewhat.”
“Really? Why is that?”
“She has an enormous amount of potential. She completely wastes it, though.”
Serané looked thoughtful. “I suspect she would say the same about you.”
“The comparison isn’t entirely correct. Kenjou has something to fight for.”
“And you don’t? So I take it you aren’t interested in Kiyashiki-san after all.”
Amane shrugged again.
Serané gave her a calculating look. “Aren’t you going to be more forthcoming?”
“This is fine, isn’t it?”
“Well, I can tell you about Kenjou-kun. If you are interested in the two of them.”
Amane stared at her for a long moment, then nodded briefly.
“Well?”
“Kiyashiki-san is not someone I care about substantially. At the same time, she is someone I could have come to care about.”
“I see.” Serané nodded briefly. “Is that why you kissed her?”
“No. I kissed her to stop them from bothering me.”
“How does that work?”
“Phareli-san by herself is quite interesting. But with Kenjou fighting possessively over her, it becomes quite bothersome.” Amane folded her arms. “I’m using the easiest method to make Kenjou move and so remove the problem. That’s all.”
“Then you’ll be alone again, of course.”
“That’s fine.”
Serané nodded. “So that’s how it is, then. As for Kenjou-kun… if I’m not entirely mistaken, your intentions are bearing fruit. Hopefully, things will turn out well for them both, though you can trust teens your age to overcomplicate things.”
“Ah.”
“At the very least, you’ve made her think about things.” Serané glanced at her kohai. “What do you make of those two, anyway?”
Amane smiled again, looking a little distant. “They’re very strange. I don’t really understand them at all, but they are entertaining. Very passionate, but very dishonest, and even though it should be easy for them to be happy, they overcomplicate things. It’s as you say.”
“I suspect those two are worse than most, even.”
“Exactly. But they’re also frustrating at times. Kenjou doesn’t admit her own feelings at all and lets Phareli-san do everything. Phareli-san doesn’t bother to recognise how likely it is that Kenjou made a mistake and keeps complaining about her own feelings.” Amane sighed. “Her opinions on dreams were also very unsound, considering she has a fair few.”
Serané giggled. “I see. Well, they’re both problem children, as well. Nothing can be easy for them, even more than with normal girls your age.”
“Kiyashiki is a surprisingly good horse rider, though. That’s something.” Amane frowned. “She’s a good person. Not a good person, but a good person.”
“You don’t look very happy about it.”
“Well, perhaps you can explain it to me. I don’t get it at all. Why Kenjou?” Amane shook her head dubiously. “Even accounting for Phareli-san’s reputation, I’ve never been able to make sense of it.”
“Well, I don’t have a clear answer myself. But I do know why.” Serané shrugged. “Simply put, your Kenjou is not her Kaname.”
Amane’s brow wrinkled. “You mean she’s bipolar?”
“No!” Serané sighed. “Was that a joke? Well, never mind. What I mean is that Kiyashiki-san knows her a lot better than you do, and has probably discovered a lot of likeable things about her along the way.”
“Is everyone like that?” Amane frowned.
“To a greater or lesser degree, depending on the person. Kenjou is an exceptionally defensive person, so for her it’s truly a matter of a greater degree.”
“That sounds like something of a waste.”
“I prefer to think of it as a special gift to your special someone. But I’m just an unreconstructed romantic at heart.”
“But I’ll never know everything about someone unless I date them…” Amane sighed. “And I’ll never know whether I want to date them unless I know about them.”
“Poor Ohtori-san. Well, you can always go by appearances. See if any of the girls catches your eye.”
Amane shook her head. “I sincerely doubt that.”
Serané toyed with her hair, glancing thoughtfully at Amane. “Well, I won’t keep you much longer. But there’s one more thing I doubt.”
Amane gave her a neutral look.
“Your reasons for your actions are indifferent and cold, as I’d expect of you. But I do wonder. For you to accept and acknowledge someone who approached you, that’s practically a first. Ever since Perez, at least.”
“She’s just using me. I’m happy to be used.”
“That’s also what’s unusual. However I look at it, Ohtori-san, you’ve been very acceptant of Kiyashiki-san’s impositions. For someone so impatient with people, that’s exceptional indeed.”
“I was bored.” Amane shrugged. “Don’t read too much into it.”
“Who is that a favour to?” Serané glanced intently at her, lips curling into a smile. “Kiyashiki-san, for being interesting? Or Perez-san, as a favour to her?”
“Neither. I chose this path myself.”
“You’re well informed, and well advised.”
“Ah.”
“Well, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Serané nodded. “One last question. Tell me, if Kiyashiki-san had responded to your advance, what would you have done?”
Amane frowned. “I don’t have to answer that.”
“I suppose not. You may not even know yourself.” Serané pushed herself up and brushed herself off. “Well, I won’t interrupt your training any longer. Thank you for your time.”
“Ah. It’s no problem.” Amane turned her horse and rode away.
Serané watched her go reflectively, then turned on her heels and headed towards the greenhouse.
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