In the name of research, I had to punch the wall repeatedly before writing this chapter. People are in pain when they are hurt.
But right now, I’m so… tired. That’s pretty much all I can think about. I guess emotions can’t come out of nowhere, they’re very draining if you feel them for too long. Just like the demons in all those stories, who lend you great power but cannibalise or try to take over your body, something like that, a cursed strength. That sounds like me. I’m no bloody paladin. I can’t defeat my opponents without using their methods and becoming like them. Unlike Amane, who is the strangest kind of person. A saint who isn’t saintly. A goddess that doesn’t have to be kind. Simply put, she doesn’t have to behave in good ways to be treated as a wonderful person, because of the way that people perceive her. Like a paladin of a dark god, beautiful and walking in the light. No, not exactly. She’s someone without any particular affiliation, and she’s never claimed to be anything else. But somehow people treat her that she’s a good person. How she acts doesn’t come into things. Kaname smiled weakly. I wish I knew that kind of trick, whatever it is. If I’m doing bad things, I’ll look like a bad person. I’m always doing bad things, so everyone resents me. But even if I don’t like that, at least it’s fair. At least there’s a reason. Amane’s worship is in acknowledgement of…something…nothing tangible, perhaps just a shadow of her, or a dream of her, or a dream of a thing. I’m not sure. I’m not an Amane fangirl. Either way, those games and stories have it all wrong. Beautiful people will have a beautiful reputation, while ugly people will have the opposite. In body, or in personality. They do that anyway, though, because it’s never the good guys who are ugly. What a simple world. Nothing tricky and deceptive like Amane. Or Momomi, come to that. Perhaps that’s why I never found that kind of story interesting.
Kaname idly rubbed her bloodied knuckles, sighing deeply and closing eyes. Her hands hurt, and it was difficult to move her fingers. That’s not the point, though. I feel tired, so very tired, but I can’t sleep. Well, for a start, it’s the middle of the day. On top of that, I’m due in our room come lunchtime. But most of all, the thoughts haven’t gone away even if the feelings have. It’s driving me insane, just going round and round in my head, until I don’t see or hear or think anything else. That’s the worst part of all. I’ve stopped trying to work things out, it’s just too hard. Right now, all I want to do is forget about all of it. Or failing that, to at least find some respite in sleep. She sighed, idly picking and shredding the grass by her left hand. I don’t like this. I prefer to take the initiative, action, bring the fight to the enemy, all those things. I’m better with action because you don’t need to know precisely what you are doing. You can make it up as you go along. It’s been futile, though, I’ve just been thrashing about and achieving nothing, upsetting Momomi, amusing Amane, all of it…it all makes me feel ineffective. But this is no good, either. I feel so lazy and exhausted I can’t face anything. I don’t want another row with Momomi right now, even if it’s necessary, because I don’t have the strength in me. Anything else I could do just feels so…tiring. If passion is my weapon, then I’m currently disarmed. Not because I don’t care. I care far too much. But because I’ve been struggling too hard for too long, and I don’t have the strength right now. Thinking is no better. I’m just twisting pointlessly, and while my tiredness impedes that and stops me from digging deeper, the circular nature of my thoughts only reinforce my tiredness. Simply put, I’m useless right now. Kaname’s wandering fingers managed to find a piece of gravel. She picked it up and threw it at the lake without sitting up. A gentle plop was heard. Well, pure action and pure thought have both failed completely. I guess I should try combined arms, as past generals might put it. In other words, think first then run in. But not right now.
Sighing again, Kaname folded her hands beneath her head, trying to check their wandering. It was suddenly grating on her. Even when she was like this, it was impossible to feel at peace. Kaname frowned at the sky. Things were… simpler, before. I don’t mean the days when we were at war, though that was pretty simple, nor the rising uncertainty that was actually very complicated, nor the time when we went against Momomi’s family, and certainly not after…so I suppose I actually mean a before that never actually existed. But I wish things were simpler, all the same. That would better. If we were both best friends, and neither of us wanted more, and we could just be eccentric companions forever, us against the world. If Momomi didn’t want to prove herself to everyone else in this school or if I craved the same acknowledgement as her, with the same confidence and flair. Or if she was happy to stay like this for me forever. Or if we feel for each other neatly and simply, just like a story, and confessed and dated and were girlfriends, returning each other’s feelings, holding each other close. If we lived without any of this trouble and pain and uncertainty. Kaname smirked. If we had a perfect relationship, in other words, that would be nice. I’m pretty self-pitying right now, so I won’t permit myself to wonder whether the current situation is unfair. This is the way life works. People change, their feelings change, they fall in and out of interests and associations, friendship and love. Nothing’s a static picture, which makes long-term relationships such a strange framing of time and feeling, as far as I can see. Momomi’s mistakes, my mistakes, Amane’s presence, these things happen. Life doesn’t exist for my convenience, and I’m not anyone’s idea of a heroine. Even if I say that, though, it doesn’t make me feel any better about things.
Kaname checked her watch. Almost time. Actually, I’m dreading it. I just don’t want to face any of that right now. I don’t want to have to face Momomi. I don’t want to have to explain things to her when I can’t even explain them to myself. If I could find an excuse, I wouldn’t go. I have no choice, though. I have to prepare both of us for those exams, for a start. More importantly, I can’t just lie here and rot all day. I won’t achieve anything constructive and I’ll make her worry. I hope she is worrying. It’d be very painful if she’d accepted. Even so, I have to know for sure. I just wish I knew how to tell her why I know for sure. That’s a third reason to go. For myself, in pure and simple selfishness. Always something I can understand very readily. Deciding that she’d procrastinated more than was necessary, perhaps more than was actually forgivable, Kaname pushed herself up and stood. She staggered slightly and touched her head, feeling the blood rush from it and dizzy her, hazing her sight for a few moments. Damn. Looks like I really did lounge around for too long. When she’d recovered herself, she brushed herself off, trying to remove the grass. White jackets…yeah, great plan, whoever designed this bloody uniform. The one thing Miator got right were the nice black dresses, hiding any discoloration. Like this, I’ll be covered in grass-stains and will then have to explain nicely to Momomi oneesama why they’re there when I should be in lessons. She’s the one who will insist on cleaning them, after all. Oh, well. I’ll just have to act casual again. Kaname adjusted her necktie again, having loosened it earlier to give her more air. She checked her reflection in the lake, trying to press down her hair. God, I’m making such a fuss about this, aren’t I? Feeling slightly uneasy at the thought, she stuck her hands casually in her trouser pockets and glanced at her reflect again, cocking her head the casual way she did. She’d probably look better without muddy elbows, but these things happened. Kaname turned and walked back towards the dorms, trying to dismiss her simmering nerves.
Thankfully, she managed to get inside the doors before the beg rang and without the unwanted attention of a Sister. By now, there was only a minute before lunch, though. I’d rather go without more questioning on what is going on between Momomi and Amane. They wouldn’t believe me when I told them what I know and there are also dangerously large gaps where I don’t know. If I admitted that, the significance of that could be exaggerated. Something like that would be troublesome. That was the reason she gave herself for hurrying back to her room, closing the door after she walked in and throwing herself onto her bed. She buried her face in her pillow, enjoying the smell of her own heat and sweat and slumber. Ironic, really, but it looks like my own antisocial tendencies are intensifying just as hers are weakening. Actually, they’re related. That doesn’t help with my feelings of alienation…but that’s not her fault. I can understand what she wants to achieve, and I’ll help her achieve it. That kind of thing is something I’ve become accustomed to doing. Just, well, some other time, when I’m not angsty, stressed and exhausted. That’d be nice. She at like that for a few minutes, waiting while she rested her body and tried to rest her mind. After a while, she pushed herself up and walked over to the work desk. Momomi kept all the textbooks they had neatly piled beneath, but the new books they’d borrowed from the library had been stored temporarily by Kaname. In other words, she’d stuck them in random piles and pushed them out of sight and mind with her feet. As ever, she was forced to reflect on the virtues of the Kiyashiki way while searching half-blind for three slim books on the theory of history and the form of historical writing.
Kaname placed two on top of the desk, retreating to her bed with the other. She put her back to the wall and closed her eyes for a moment, then concentrated and began to read the first few pages. Before, she’d always relied on common sense to slide past this aspect of the history paper, but it’d probably be better if she studied for it this time around. It had always been a weakness of hers and this time around things were likely to be even harder. She was finding it hard to concentrate, though. It doesn’t help that this blasted prose is so thick. And history is one of my preferred subjects, damnit! I could care less why the academic community considers it a relevant study, as far as I’m concerned it’s all for the battles and wars. That’s where history is made. Honestly, though…empathy with the times, without passing subjective moral judgements from our own prejudices…who cares either way? The only thing I want to understand about the past is good battle tactics, but I have to live with the fact that the majority opinion is against me. So I have to read this blasted book. Kaname bit her lip. Why do I have to study something so irritating? The Superior and the Etoiles really are cruel about this stuff. But it makes their kind of sense, doesn’t it? The rich kids can afford to slide along on barely pass marks because they pay obnoxious amounts of money, while I have to move heaven and earth, study above my year-group and consider theoretical concepts normally left to the last years of school just to enjoy the privilege of continuing here. A fairer, freer system my ass…Kaname checked her watch and frowned. She’s late. What’s up with her? Kept behind by fangirls?
She read a few more pages, doing her best to concentrate. After a while she gave up and set the book aside, hugging her knees and closing her eyes regally. She waited for a few more minutes. Damnit, what’s keeping her? I told her, didn’t I, that this was important for both of us? I could care less if people are bothering her, she should just shake them off and come here. It’s not like I can wait all day. I hope she knows, and I also hope she knows just how wretchedly hard these exams are. They’re important. I hope she gets that into her stubborn head. She shook her head, trying to stop thinking. I hope she hasn’t forgotten or anything stupid like that. If she’s in the canteen talking to the others or whatever I will be so amazingly annoyed. Well, I’m not going to fly off and look for her, either. She can do what she likes, I’ll study anyway, and it’s her loss. Or she might be with Amane…damnit. Like I said, she can do what she likes. If spending time with that stuck up bitch really is more important than studying here with me, who am I to point out that she’s being stupid? It’s her decision if she wants to be sent straight back to her parents…Kaname kept a tough expression for a few more seconds, then remembered that she was alone. She rested her chin on her knees, slumping forwards and looking at the floor with dull eyes. She’d better not have done that. That wouldn’t be fair, after everything. I didn’t come this far just to be outdone by Amane. Or what if she’s afraid to face me? She looked down for a few more moments, then gritted her teeth and threw herself sideways onto the bed again. She should take responsibility, damnit! Well, it’s not like I care. I’m sure she’s off somewhere, enjoying a wonderful lunch with Amane, and she’s welcome to it! I’m fine on my own. I passed these exams on my own and I lived here on my own, long before she came about, I can live with it. Her and her bloody new habits, without an ounce of consideration for me…
The door opened and Momomi stepped in, shutting it neatly behind her. “Sorry I’m late.”
Kaname blinked herself out of her reverie. “Where the hell were you?”
“I went to the canteen to get lunch, and couldn’t find you there. So I brought lunch for us both. Here.” Momomi hadn’t over two bentos. “I got you extra as you didn’t eat breakfast. I’m not going to let you get away with not eating properly, you know.”
Kaname took the bentos automatically. “Say what?”
“I told you,” Momomi said irritably, waving a finger. “I have a responsibility, after all. No friend would let you go without food for a whole day. Now shut up and eat up.”
Kaname frowned. “How did you buy this?”
“Don’t worry about that,” Momomi replied theatrically. “It’s fine. Now stop moping and eat. You won’t be able to study properly if you don’t have any energy.”
Kaname stared at her, trying to grasp this. She folded her hands on top of the bentos. “So, you…”
Momomi blinked. “Your hands!”
Kaname looked down. Oh shit.
Before she could say anything, Momomi knelt and grabbed her hands, lifting them closer to her eyes. “I thought so! You’ve been fighting again, haven’t you?”
Kaname stared down at her head, blushing furiously. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it? You’ve cracked the knuckles wide open. What the hell were you trying to do?” Momomi glanced up at her suspiciously. “With Amane… you didn’t…”
That brought everything back. Kaname tore her hands away and shoved Momomi back. The girl gasped in surprise as she fell, staring up with shocked eyes. “What’s it to you?” Kaname asked bitterly.
Momomi stared at her for a few long moments, then picked herself up and brushed herself off. “Do what you like.”
Kaname glared back at her, her hands clasped awkwardly. “Right. Remember that.”
“But I’m still not leaving you to bleed.” Momomi grabbed Kaname’s wrist and dragged the girl upright. She didn’t really have the strength to drag Kaname anywhere but Kaname didn’t have the will to resist. “Come on.” She pulled her friend towards the bathroom, not facing her. “You need to clean the cuts and bind them. We have bandages at least, and I don’t think this is something we want to trouble the infirmary with.”
Kaname stared at the back of her head. “I’ll be fine…”
“The hell you will. You’re so irresponsible.” Momomi sounded bitter. “Just shut up for once and take care of yourself. Only idiots harm themselves.”
Kaname opened her mouth to argue, but found nothing to say. Instead she just shrugged.
Momomi placed her bento on the floor and opened their cupboard. “You run those hands under warm water, okay, at least get them clean. Then dry yourself off and I’ll bind them.”
“You’re being fussy, you know. I’m fine without.” Kaname had intended to complain more fervently than that, but something about Momomi’s current porcupine demeanour stopped her.
“Do it.”
“Whatever. If it’ll get you off my back.” Kaname winced slightly as hot water washed over her skin, running red for a few seconds before clearing. Actually, the lacerations looked a lot better when they were clear of blood. But they weren’t pretty, all the same… she dried her hands on a towel, hissing slightly from the pain.
Momomi turned, unwrapping a roll of bandages. “Hold out your hands.” She looked down at the injuries, lips locked in a frown.
“Right…” Kaname raised her arms, wincing as Momomi grabbed her right hand and dressed it in a few deft motions. “You’re surprisingly good at this.”
“It’s simple enough, isn’t it?” Momomi drew the bandage tight, then started to work on the left hand.
Kaname wiggled her fingers experimentally, frowning at the gauze swathing her upper hand. “This restricts my movements rather a lot, you know.”
“You should have thought of that when you did this.” Momomi finished and tore the remaining roll away, turning away. “You’re reckless.”
“Yeah, well…” Kaname frowned. Actually, there isn’t anything to yeah, well about. She rubbed her right hand awkwardly, uncomfortable with the choking sensation. Her knuckles still hurt, though. She watched uneasily as Momomi grabbed her lunch and walked out of the bathroom without a word.
Kaname followed, flexing her fingers experimentally. Still stiff, still hurts. I guess I didn’t even worry about this until she pointed it out to me, but… yeah. Punching trees is never a good idea. They only break when you do that in anime. She sat on her bed, glancing unhappily at Momomi, who was facing the wall and eating in silence. Wait… why is she the one sulking, here? Isn’t she the one in the wrong? I should be the one mad with her! But… well…right now, I feel like I’m a bit of a bastard, I suppose. If that was genuine sincere concern, and not just a ploy, I may have been unkind. To say the least. I wish I could tell when she’s being serious. But if that’s the case, I also wish I knew how to make it up to her.
She cast around for inspiration, picking up her first bento and opening it distractedly. “Well… we should start on the work soon.”
“Right.” Momomi didn’t bother to look round.
“History theory today. Something I hate. Perhaps you’ll be better at it.” Kaname sighed when her friend didn’t reply. “Say… you know, even if I’ve missed breakfast, too lunchboxes in one sitting is too much. And they both have pickles in them, too.”
“So? You want me to take one back?”
Kaname rolled her eyes. “Not that. I want you to help me finish them. Especially when you brought them in the first place.”
Momomi glanced at her. “That defeats the point. You’re supposed to eat them to make up for before.”
Which before, I wonder? “Forget that. Just get over here, okay.” Kaname frowned. “It’s a while since we’ve done anything like that…”
“Only two days.”
“Really? Feels like a lot longer…” Kaname sighed. “Come on, idiot. I don’t like good food going to waste.”
“I can eat the leftovers afterwards.”
“That’s not the point. You should eat now. Besides, I…” Kaname frowned, trying to phrase her sentiments. “I miss that stuff.”
“So that’s why you push me away?” Momomi gave her a look that was half angry and half anguished. “That makes sense, Kaname. You’re just one huge bundle of contradictions.”
“Oh, just stop sulking and get over here. Then we can get on with our lives.”
“Forget it. I’m not in the mood for childish games any more, Kaname.” Momomi glared. “Don’t you get that already?”
“It stopped being a game a long time ago!” Kaname scowled back. “Or is it more convenient for you to forget that?”
“Screw you. You’re the one who showed me they didn’t mean anything.”
“Nothing… not everything…” Kaname frowned, searching for words again. “Forget it. Look… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I snapped at you, already!”
Momomi stared at her. “Well, that’s original.”
“Grr! Fine? What do I have to say?” Kaname snorted, standing. “You know what, screw it! I’ll just drag you over here!”
Kaname strode forwards and grabbed Momomi by the wrist, imitating her friend’s own grip and pulling her to her feet.
“What are you doing? Let me go, damnit!” Momomi stared furiously at the floor, trying to hide a blush. “Stop it!”
Kaname dragged her across the room and pushed her onto the bed, sitting next to her. “Damnit, Momomi! I’m not going to let you run away!”
“I’m not running away from anything!” Momomi sat up and brushed herself off, glaring. “You’re the one who’s running away here. I know we did some unusual things in the past, but you have to understand that’s just the past, nothing else! I was flirting with you since before I knew why, and you… I don’t know… but I’m over that now. Even if I’m still your friend, you can’t just pretend nothing’s happened!”
Kaname picked up an umeboshi with her chopsticks. “I’m not that stupid, idiot. But I’m not letting you sulk or take away all the fun things we did, either.”
“That’s easy for you to say, but they were a lot more than fun to me, and now” Momomi was cut off when Kaname stuck the pickle in her mouth. “Wha’ was tha’ for?” she mumbled, chewing furiously.
“What do you think?” Kaname looked down, blushing herself. “For the hell of it, but whatever. I just don’t like it when you’re whining.”
“You say I whine? That’s rich!”
Kaname sighed. Well, she hasn’t run away, and she accepted it too. “Forget it, then.” She picked another fruit and fed it to her friend, watching as the slightly pink lips closed around it.
Momomi chewed thoughtfully, appearing to relax slightly. “You’re almost bipolar, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah. Well, it’s not like you are-” Kaname was shut up momentarily when Momomi fed her fish. “There,” she mumbled after she’d swallowed, looking away again. “Case and point.”
Momomi picked at her lunch thoughtfully. “How did you hurt your hands?”
“If I tell you that, will you tell me about earlier?” Kaname winced slightly. There. I said it. The thing that’s been between us all day.
Momomi frowned, then nodded. “Of course. Well?”
“I was practising kata on trees, and got carried away.” Kaname glanced at Momomi’s cynical, worried look, and broke. “Fine. I was working out my frustrations on trees, and got carried away. That’s how I hurt my hands. I swear I didn’t get into a fight, not that fighting wouldn’t be a good idea right now.”
“Why were you frustrated?”
“Do I even have to reply to that?”
Momomi sighed. “So it really did bother you… well, I’ve no idea either. I didn’t expect it and I didn’t like it.”
Kaname frowned. “Really?”
“Of course.”
“A lot of girls would kill to be in that position…”
“I’m not one of them.”
“She’s very beautiful, you know-”
“So?” Momomi sighed. “I don’t care.”
“Why?” Kaname asked.
“Oh, God. Now you sound like her.”
“Well, isn’t it an important question? If you look at it in terms of popularity and personality and birth and a lot of things… well, you know… how do you say it… she’s someone it should be easy to like in that way.”
“Well, things aren’t that simple. I can’t choose who I like.” Momomi sighed. “I wouldn’t have fallen for you if I had any say in the matter. I knew things would end up like this.”
“Yeah, well, it’s fine, isn’t it?” Kaname sighed. “I warned you, didn’t I? That she might act like that…”
“Yeah, yeah. I know already.” Momomi shrugged. “It wasn’t a big problem, now was it?”
“Wasn’t a big problem? She bloody kissed you!”
“On the cheek.”
“Still, she bloody well kissed you!”
“In a platonic way. Sisterly, really.” Momomi closed her eyes. “Don’t you think? That’s what I think, now that I’ve considered it all in depth.”
“Like hell. It didn’t look that way to me.”
“Well, it was.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“It was, already!”
“Was not!”
Momomi burst out laughing. “Alright, alright. Whatever you say.”
“Well, it didn’t look very platonic to me,” Kaname muttered, looking completely mortified.
“Why are you so bothered, anyway?” Momomi smirked. “Jealous?”
“Of course not!” Kaname replied automatically. “Don’t get too full of yourself. I was just annoyed that you’d go with Amane, of all people, when she’s a stupid stuck-up… well… oh, fuck it. Fine. I was jealous! Happy now?” She gave Momomi a defiant look.
Momomi looked slightly surprised at the admission. “You were?”
“Isn’t that kinda obvious? What with the injured hands and all?” Kaname sighed. “Forget it.”
“No, it’s just the first time you’ve ever admitted something like that very much.” Momomi frowned. “May I ask why?”
Now would be a good chance to tell her. Now, how do I phrase this…I have to sort of work up to this…”Well, it made it obvious that you and Amane might… well…get together. And that’d mean, for me- well, I’d have less time to spend with you because you’d always be off with her. And that’d just be annoying, after everything we’ve been through. Besides, you’re fun to be around. It’s a normal reaction, isn’t it?”
“I suppose so. Well, Amane’s just a friend, okay?”
Kaname sighed. That’s great news and all, but I kinda avoided the actual point. “Okay.” She forced some severity into her voice. “Just make sure it stays that way!”
“I probably will. I’d be surprised if I came to like her that way.”
“I see…” Kaname closed her eyes. No guarantees, huh? Well, I know what you have to do, but it’s easier said than done. Especially for someone like me. Definitely, when I’m so damned uncertain about everything. I’m nothing like Amane.
Momomi nodded. “And you need to make sure that you don’t hurt yourself, either. I can’t look after you all the time.”
“Fine. It’s settled.”
They ate in silence for a few minutes. Kaname took the chance to surreptitiously examine Momomi. Well, she’s cute, that’s for sure. We’re pretty close together, like this, it wouldn’t be hard to reach out and touch her face… as if I’d ever do something as sappy as that. But her hair’s beautiful and silken. She wears her clothes well, which is more than I do. Her skin’s so smooth looking. It’s not something you notice from further away, but like this, I can really see that. Makes me feel coarse. She is beautiful, but that’s not the most interesting thing. When she flicks that hair out of her eyes, that’s interesting. And the smooth way she moved the chopsticks, taking small bites of food, far more daintily than I ever could. And the way she kneels casually on my bed as if it’s nothing to her. Her ever-moving lips, they’re fascinating as well…Kaname met Momomi’s eyes, blushing slightly. Hopefully I wasn’t caught. But, well, what was I caught doing? I was just curious, that’s all. I know she’s a beautiful girl, so I just wanted to find out why. There has to be a reason, after all. But the word curious is unfortunate in itself, considering its track record as a euphemism…and she has beautiful eyes, too. They’re very intense and single-minded. She can see things very clearly, just like me. Unfortunately, we can both miss the things right in front of our eyes. This feels like a bad case of that.
Momomi stared back for a few seconds, then stuck a piece of fish in Kaname’s mouth. “Don’t think too hard. You’ll probably break something.”
“Yeh, right…” Kaname mumbled. “It’s all your fault anyway.”
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