Apologies in advance for exessive Kaname thoughts and Kaname swearing. She has a lot to think and swear about.
She crushed her pillow in her grip, deriving some satisfaction from the sensation. Well, I know why it’s wrong. That’s easy, right? It’s Amane. I don’t know where that scary, obsessive freak came from but I hardly know her anyway. She might well be that kind of demon, hidden behind her perfect mask, just like Momomi. Only a lot worse. No, I wouldn’t put it past Amane, to be an imbalanced stalker who’s just going to try and steal Momomi from me. Why Momomi? Well, I think she has wonderful qualities, but I’m pretty alone in that, now aren’t I? I refuse to believe that Momomi’s dropped her guard around Amane so fast. Can Amane read her? Even if she could, surely the very fact she has to is unattractive? Honestly, that bitch has the entire school to choose from, more or less, so why Momomi? I just can’t work it out. Especially when she knows that Momomi confessed to me so recently and that she’s being used for that. Is that it? The mystery and the challenge of it? Is she trying to see if her power over people really is that strong? Or is she out to get me, because this is a damn good way to cut me too the quick…For the first time, a smirk cut through Kaname’s hazy anger. Yeah, right. Now that’s just delusional. I’m still not worth her time, I could hear her thinking that. I’ll definitely prove her wrong.
Kaname closed her eyes for a few moments. Okay, that’s phase one, nonsensical venting, out of the way. I feel a little better now. Time for phase two, rational thought. Certainly, I don’t like how she talks, but it’s not like I like Amane anyway. The problem is, everyone else does, and half the school would die to have her talk that way about them. Even Momomi finds her interesting, if nothing else, and she shares my disdain for most of humanity. And where Amane is antisocial out of choice, I’m antisocial out of choice and even if I wasn’t I don’t have a choice. I’m an unpopular person, and even if Momomi makes it sound like it would be so easy to change all that I’m not so sure. But most of all, Amane is rich, refined, intelligent, athletic, dignified, of the same aristocratic origins as Momomi, and above all, beautiful. Her beauty could also be described as handsome, just like my own. I may hate her, but I acknowledge those qualities. That’s why she’s my rival. If I reduce it to that, it’s obvious that she’s a good candidate. No, more than that, for Momomi as my friend to attract the attention of such an outstanding and otherwise aloof person, I should be glad. I’m not, I’m no saint. Neither is Amane, for that matter. But we even look alike, and we’re not so far distant in some aspects of our personality. Even if I’m sure of Momomi’s feelings, which I am; she wouldn’t confess idly…there’s still the fact that we’re similar. She might accept Amane’s advances to help her forget, or even as a kind of substitute. I don’t like thinking she could be so fickle, but she’s already playing games with me. It’s not like she’s not hurt, so objectively it’s hard to blame her if she does what is necessary to be happier again. Kaname snorted. Even so, that’s a pompous way to think. If I was to ask anyone out there, the answer would be clear, wouldn’t it? Amane’s superior to me, that’s what they’d all say. I hate that. But when we’re so similar, comparisons will be made, and someone like me will never come out favourably. I wasn’t chosen by birth. I’m not Amane.
Kaname bit her lip, rallying slightly. But I’m glad of that, damnit. I don’t have to apologise for not being her! Not to Momomi, not to anyone! I don’t want to be an impassive person with no energy and no sense of the real world outside her cosy aristocracy. And anyway, Momomi says she prefers me, more or less. Because I got here on my own, which I did, that’s something she admires. Sure, Amane is admired for a lot of things by a lot of people, but I don’t give a damn. With Momomi, it actually means something. And it was right, what I said. I’m the one who’s stood by her. Even if that doesn’t mean I own her, that means something. It has to mean something. We’re friends. Close friends. We’ve worked hard and sacrificed a lot, and that’s not usual because sincerity and earnestness doesn’t come easily to either of us. But we’ve managed, somehow. That’s why. That’s why I’m not ashamed of not being that Amane. It doesn’t matter to Momomi, and if she likes me that’s enough. At the very least, it’s a lot better than how things were before. Before, I didn’t really even like myself. What was it? Cracked girl? Yeah, I was pretty miserable back then, I remember. Well, thanks to her I’m fine, wherever I came from and whatever I’m like. You don’t have to be a good person to have someone who cares for you.
On the other hand… Amane’s still the all-around perfect girl. And she does have the same background as Momomi. Momomi said that herself. When you look at it, wouldn’t they have a lot more in common? No, it’s not like that…everything we’ve been through is something in common unto itself, by now. And we always have something to say to each other. When we talk, it flows, and when we’re silent, it’s comfortable. That’s not a problem. Why would I lose to someone like Amane? Kaname shook her head. Wait, why is it even a matter of that? For once, this isn’t about a contest between us, because we’re not even running for the same thing. I’m Momomi’s friend and she wants to be her girlfriend. Those are different, even I know that. And even if I don’t want Amane to be her girlfriend, it’s not like Momomi’s choosing between us. I rejected her feelings, so she can do what she likes. That’s fine. If she wants to date Amane, who am I to stop her? Kaname winced. So why the hell does that sound so painful in my head? Why can’t I accept that? Why am I suddenly returning to the comparison game I stopped playing when I first got to know Momomi? Why, on a fundamental level, does that bother me so much? Even if she’s only calling me out, I’ve been called out, and I should know why, but I don’t. I don’t want to accept that it’s for the reasons she’d give if she was calling me out.
Kaname rolled over and looked at the ceiling, stilling her body and trying to calm her chaotic thoughts. Okay. Slow down. Think about this. You aren’t stupid. One explanation… one explanation which would explain a lot of things about yourself… is that explanation. At least consider it as a hypothesis. Sometimes a lot of people say the same thing and they’re being stupid, but that doesn’t mean a lot of people saying the same thing is wrong all the time. And sometimes I make mistakes. Of course. I’m only human. So think this through. First of all. Why is this possibility to revolting for me? Because it disgusts me? I don’t think so. A few of the things I’ve done with Momomi have bordered on… weird, but none of them felt wrong. I enjoyed it. And so, if I think about, hugging’s fine. Done that before. Holding hands…done that. Feeding each other, done that. Kissing would be…weird. That’s just freaky to thing about. Perhaps I was right after all. But then again, if you asked me whether I’d enjoy holding hands with her before the fact…I don’t know. I doubt I’d expect to like it. I’d flush just to think of it. So, what, I can’t know whether I’d enjoy kissing until I’ve tried it? That’d be way too… weird. Maybe. Or it could feel right, which is an even scarier thought. So, I don’t know, I really don’t. Once I’ve got after the shock factor, it’s not like the idea disgusts me too much. I’ve had thoughts like that before, but only as a teen. I think about boys a lot more, even though I don’t know any. That has to count for something, right? Even if I want to believe that, I came from a background even more homophobic than Momomi’s. Whatever. But I let Momomi do a lot more than I would anything else, if nothing else. Isn’t that what liking someone is? A unification of personal space…or something. I’m not a marriage counsellor either.
No, if I really did…like her, or even if I was capable of trying, like Amiki said, I should be glad of that, and that thought. So, why does it scare me? Wounded pride would be another good reason, for someone like me. Kaname smiled weakly. I’m used to screwing up, but this would be a big mistake even for me. Compare Momomi’s confidence with this mental bungling around…I still I wish I had that, her certainty. I wish I could thank her for her feelings and support Amane. I wish I could take her by the hand and say I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life, so can she forgive me and stay? One of the two. That’d be nice. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything like that clarity. It’s taken me this long to realise the depth of my own ambiguity. But even if this would objectively be good news, it would make my life a lot more complicated. I’d have to take Amane seriously as a love rival of a kind, and she’s not an easy person to oppose. More than that, I’d have to tell Momomi. Amane’s right about one thing…I’m not good at saying things, I prefer to take, to feed off what Momomi gives me. But if this true, I screwed up my chance to easily slide into this when I rejected her confession. This time around, I’d have to say… it to her. And considering the fact that I did reject her, and how complex things have been since, there are new pressures. Of course, it should still be easier than when she did it with me… she knew she had so chance. I should be able to manage even a quarter of her courage, and that should be enough. I know her feelings, so what would be stopping me? Embarrassment? Pride? Don’t be stupid. There are more important things at stake here. Much, much more important.
But what if her feelings have changed? What if she’d mad with me now? What if Amane’s already taken hold? Kaname snorted. Yeah, right. That’s just plain stupid. But all the same, I’ve already wasted time. Amane’s not going to mess around or hesitate, she knows she’s the perfect one. The longer I leave it, the more dangerous things will become for me, and the more chance there is that she’ll reject me. On the other hand, wouldn’t a greater length of time between then and this make me look like less of an idiot? As if I’d taken time to work it out, or my feelings had changed, I could present it as that. On the other hand, the longer I wait, that more that proves I don’t know my own feelings. And that’s the problem. I still don’t know my own feelings, I just know enough to take both possibilities seriously. I can’t attempt to be decisive like this, but every day I spent working myself out is a day working in Amane’s favour. What am I supposed to do like this? Accept right now and play it safe? But I don’t think I could bring myself to that unless I really was sure…and if we dated and it turned out I didn’t… feel that way… after all, I’m sure she’d never forgive me. That would just hurt her, and I don’t want that. Or step back and let Amane make her play? Support Amane, even, as the other just in case… don’t screw with me. I‘m not a tragic heroine and I’m not in the business of martyring my own emotions. That kind of thing’s just illogical, especially when she likes me. But still, I could let Amane try and fail, that’d clear things up. Unless she succeeded. This is hardly something I can take a chance over. But I can’t take a chance with my ambiguous emotions, either. I can lean one way or the other, but either way, I stand to lose. Is this what she intended? Did she want me to feel this way, and be faced by these choices? I wish I knew. But if there’s a chance she’s serious and I was wrong, I have to take both as a certainty. I really can’t take a chance over this.
And then there’s one more thing. I still haven’t said it, have I? Not properly. Stupid. If I can’t even say it to myself, I definitely won’t be able to say anything to her. But it’s still weird. It’s still… hard to grasp, and a wound to my pride, and not something I’m certain about. But I’ve been ignoring the possibility, acting way too defensive and denying even the chance that I miscalculated. That’s even more stupid, and hurts my pride even more. I need to open my eyes. Kaname folded her hands behind her head and sighed. If only I knew how to do that. But I can still say it. I might… like, Momomi. I might have felt that way all this time, and I might want myself, not Amane, to be her girlfriend. I wish I was certain. But that’s the way it is. I like Momomi. I don’t like Momomi. I wish I could say one or the other, because I hate to be confused like this. But that’s the way it is. So, how do I find out for sure? I wish I knew…I need to take this one step at the time. And I need to remember that, in case I try to forget this moment, or dismiss it as pointless uncertainty and angst. I’m sure it’s not that. It has to be. Liking Momomi…
Kaname closed her eyes and thought of Momomi and Amane and her tangled, chaotic feelings, and tried not to notice the passage of time. She also tried to work out what to do next, which had something to do with Momomi, but she wasn’t quite sure what. Apologise to her? Thank her? Kiss her? Warn her Amane was bad news? Try to explain? Act naturally and wait for confirmation? There were a lot of possibilities, many of which made Kaname blush and shudder, but she didn’t know which was the right choice to make. Of course. I can’t choose between two very simple states, so I’d stand no chance at a more complex decision about this. But still, it’s a bother. I have to do something. This is hardly something I can play by the ear, though, is it? I could screw up so easily and mess things up even more…Kaname sighed, looking back and wondering at that Momomi went through under similar circumstances. But still. Sitting around and moping in here won’t achieve anything. This kind of situation calls for action. Probably. But I’m good at action, so I’ll try that anyway. Action sounds good. It’s pretty easy to understand. She checked her watch, frowned, and rolled off her bed, walking over to the dressing table and checking her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was ruffled, so she brushed it as best she could. Her face was paler than she was used to, or perhaps she was just imagining things. Looks like I used all my blood in my argument with Amane. Oh, well. I doubt anyone will notice. She self-consciously adjusted the set of her necktie, then checked her watch again. It was fifteen minutes until break. She paced up and down for two of them, then stopped herself. She leaned against the wall and folded her arms for another three, wondering why she was so twitchy. Then she snapped and left, heading for Momomi’s History classroom.
Kaname arrived five minutes too early, scowled and leaned against the wall, folding her arms. Right classroom, check. Cool pose, check. Close your eyes and this will be my everyday waiting-for-Momomi posture. Nothing suspicious at all. Except the fact that I’m so damn early, but she doesn’t have to know that, now does she? Everything’s normal. Heck, I don’t have anything extraordinary to say anyway?
“What are you doing here?”
Kaname’s eyes snapped open, looking up at the Superior. Shit! Since when did she bother to leave her office? “Me- I’m… uh…”
“You got sent out of the classroom, didn’t you?” The Superior sniffed. “What did you do?”
“I- uh… talking. I was talking too much. And making sarcastic comments. And suchlike.” Kaname realised that someone caught out by the principle shouldn’t sound so relieved, so she struck out for a tone of wounded pride. “It wasn’t like it was just me, either. It was the whole class, but she made an example of me! It’s discrimination, damnit!”
“That’s enough. You have a bad reputation as it is, Kenjou, I suggest you don’t add to it. You’re disrupting the learning of the other students.”
“Yeah, well-” Kaname caught the glare she was receiving, and decided to stop talking. “Sorry, Superior-sama. It won’t happen again.”
“Hmm. And straighten your posture! Don’t slouch like that! You’re being punished, so don’t be that casual. Stand up straight.” The Superior glared at her. “I’m tempted to go in and tell Kuroi-sensei just how feckless you are about your punishments.”
“Please don’t do that, Superior-sama,” Kaname asked with absolute sincerity.
“Hmm. Well, remember this, Kenjou. Your behaviour has been improving recently, don’t ruin that progress now.”
“Yes, Superior-sama.” Kaname watched her go with a deep sense of relief. So my behaviour’s been improving, has it? News to me. I guess I’ve been so busy being obnoxious to other people that haven’t found the energy to do the same thing with the teachers. Plus I don’t have to worry about Olesa any more. She frowned. I’m surprised she noticed, though. I hardly see her around. Does Shion submit her reports? No, more likely the Etoiles…
The bell rang, cutting through her thoughts, so she leaned back and adopted her waiting-for-Momomi position again. She closed her eyes and bit her lip. Though, when I think about it, this is pretty much a metaphor for my own dishonesty. Even though I actually really want to see her, I have to make it look like I just happen to be leaning against a wall thinking about all the interesting things I could be doing instead of waiting around for her. Of course, it’s not like that fools her or anyone else, especially after… everything, really. But still, I try to keep up that appearance. Even if I criticise Amane for abusing indifference, I try and adopt that same careless, cool attitude myself. As Momomi would say, I’m quite the hypocrite. The other students of Momomi’s class slowly passed her in their twos and threes. Kaname was used to their complete disinterest in her presence by now, it was something common and accepted. But this time, people glanced at her out of the corners of their eyes and whispered. She opened her eyes and gave some of them her special glare, which shut most of them up.
But there was always the one person who wouldn’t shut up, with or without the death gaze. “Good morning, Kaname.”
“Yo.” Kaname pushed off the wall and fell into step with Momomi, just like ever.
“Don’t yo me,” Momomi teased. “Where the hell were you this morning?”
I had a cat-fight with Amane and she broke out the stalker talk about making you hers. Stay away from her if you don’t want to be duct-taped to a horse and sent bad places. Kaname cursed her graphic imagination. “I was taking a walk,” she said evasively.
“Taking a walk?” Momomi asked, raising her eyebrows.
“I can, can’t I? You do too.”
“Of course. It’s a little odd, that’s all. You weren’t even in the canteen when I got back.” Momomi narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Say, did you even eat breakfast?”
“Nope.” Kaname shrugged. “Come on, are you telling me that’s a big deal?”
“Of course it’s a big deal! Didn’t your mother ever tell you that it’s the most important meal in the day?”
“She never told me.” Kaname scowled. “I assume she thought that you would, instead.”
“When I think about it, though, I’m not quite sure why it’s the most important meal in the day,” Momomi mused. “Perhaps because it’s the one that gets skipped most often by teenagers. But that’s not the point! If you’re skipping breakfast, you need a better reason than simply going for a walk.”
“It was a long walk,” Kaname replied defensively. “I went into the forest and lost track of time, okay?”
“Idiot.” Momomi rubbed her face. “You really are dependant on me, aren’t you?”
“Shut up! Like I said, no harm done. I’ve skipped plenty of breakfasts in my time, and at a younger age too.”
“You’re a teenager now, you know.” Momomi pouted at her. “If you don’t eat properly, your development will be stunted. If you know what I mean.”
Kaname flushed. “Shut up. How about you? Did you manage to eat something in between flirting with Amane? Some hay, perhaps?”
“Yes, actually. Unlike you, I have some time management, and I made it to the canteen in good time.” Momomi glanced at her. “You hadn’t got my breakfast, though. Amiki saved me there.”
Kaname folded her arms. “Well, if you’re flying off to talk to her I don’t know why I should. And this shows you’re just as dependant as me, too.”
“Yes, yes.” Momomi shrugged. “Well, you should go and eat now, if nothing else. Otherwise you’ll be really hungry for the next two periods.”
And have you skip off to Amane? “I’m fine.”
“Seriously. You may be fine now, but you won’t be. Mark my words.”
Kaname snorted. “You’ll find I’m made of tougher stuff than you are.”
Momomi sighed. “Fine, fine. Well, if you’re really set on being stupid, I can’t stuff it down your throat.”
“Exactly.”
Kaname didn’t say anything more, just watching Momomi as discreetly as possible. Staring at someone isn’t exactly careless and cool, after all. Quite the opposite. But there’s not much to learn. Yeah, she’s cute and dollfaced, I knew that since forever. The complete opposite of me, really, even if she’s a little on the short side. But that’s kinda cute too…it’s one of the reasons why I’ve always been hung up on protecting her, I suppose. She looks like she needs it, even if she doesn’t. Actually, those two qualities together must be quite useful for her…
Momomi glanced at her curiously. “Are you alright?”
Kaname blushed and looked away. “Of course. I’m fine.”
Momomi cocked her head. “You looked a little pale, that’s all.”
Kaname frowned. “I do? I didn’t notice.”
“Well, you wouldn’t, would you?” Momomi prodded her friend on the arm. “Well, there you go. Breakfast is important because you go pale without it, or something. Though with your weird hair, anyone would look pale.”
Kaname’s eyes narrowed. “Well, thanks for that.”
“It’s no problem.” Momomi wrapped a curl of her hair round one of her fingers, playing with it gently. Kaname found the gesture mesmerising. “You spend so much time in your room, after all. I suppose it’s only natural.”
“Yeah, right,” Kaname growled. “As if you’re any different… you’ve spent pretty much your entire life being indoorsy, from what I’ve heard. Apart from your damn horse riding, that is.”
“Like I said, we were never really into that. Mother preferred gardening.” Momomi shrugged. “I guess that comes to the same thing, though. But I don’t think my complexion’s that bad.”
“Then it’s not a matter staying indoors, is it?” Kaname said, feeling strangely defensive. “Besides, I’m a lot fitter than you.”
“That’s probably right.” Momomi continued to twirl her hair round her finger. “It’s a matter of being ill from the lack of food that does it. You really should eat something.”
“I told you,” Kaname growled. “I’m fine. Being pale never killed anyone.”
“I’m just being considerate, you know. Someone like you would kill themselves out of stubbornness if I’m not careful.”
Kaname sighed. “Well, it’s not like I don’t know that. But no one died of skipping breakfast.”
“Alright. Whatever you say.”
Momomi released the curl of hair and smoothed it out with a casual gesture, tucking it back into place. Kaname frowned at the sight. She has very obedient hair. I’d never be able to get away with that, and mine is half her length…
Momomi stepped outside, looking up and stretching her neck idly. “You know, though, another thing… if you’re going to chew me out because I’m spending all of half an hour a day with Amane, shouldn’t you at least turn up for breakfast when we can talk?”
“Did you miss me?” Kaname asked, lips twitching into a frown. “Or did you turn up late again because you were too busy with her?”
“I missed you.” Momomi closed her eyes momentarily. “If only because Amiki without you… well, I suppose it’s like playing chess without my queen in the starting pieces.”
“Still just a piece on the board, eh?” But Kaname said that lightly, feeling a little reassured, all the same. I’m used to people being dishonest, after all.
“Well, yes. Plus the aforementioned hypocrisy was annoying.”
“Oh, come on. I made an honest mistake, already.” Kaname was beginning to get uncomfortable with just how comfortable she was with that lie. Besides, I’ve kinda shot myself in the foot, haven’t I? I can hardly warn her about Amane’s designs if I supposedly haven’t talked to Amane to know them…
Momomi gave her a vaguely suspicious look. “Well, it can’t be helped, I suppose. I’ll forgive you this time around, so don’t let it happen again.”
“Right, right. And what are you doing now?” Kaname demanded. “Off to flirt with Amane again?”
Momomi quirked her eyebrows. “That word’s been coming up a lot, you know. Are you really that jealous?”
Kaname scowled. “Of course. Don’t get too cocky, damnit!”
Momomi rolled her eyes. “And I suppose yesterday’s debacle was to prevent me from getting too cocky, damnit. Well, whatever lets you sleep at night.”
Kaname gritted her teeth. “Well, it’s not you. If you were as fickle as all that I’d never forgive you anyway. But Amane worries me.”
“Amane? Is this your rival thing, again?” Momomi sighed. “I do understand your feelings, but-”
“Not that,” Kaname snapped. “What I mean is… well… that’s to say…”
“That’s to say what?”
“Well, what if she was to fall for you? Hypothetically.”
Momomi gave her a strange look. “Why on earth would that happen? This is the probably-straight ice prince Ohtori we’re talking, you know. She barely tolerates my presence as it is.”
“Well, I know that,” Kaname said lamely. “It was just a hypothesis.” Yeah, talk about shooting myself in the foot…
Momomi frowned. “Why would that bother you anyway?”
No, I should have saved that for now. “Because it’s Amane, of course.” Kaname glanced at her. “Besides, if she was to be your girlfriend or whatever, you’d spent less time with me.”
Momomi sighed. “You’re really one possessive friend, aren’t you?”
“After everything, I think I’m entitled,” Kaname replied defensively.
“Yes, yes. Well, at least I know you care.” Momomi glanced at Kaname. “You’re going to be hell if I ever get a girlfriend, aren’t I? Amane’s not going to be one, though. She’s herself.”
“Just… think about it. That’s all.” Kaname frowned and looked away. “It’s not like you’re an unattractive person…”
Momomi blinked for a moment, then recovered herself. “Was that a compliment? From you, Kaname? Hell is suffering from inclement weather.”
“No need to be sarcastic. And don’t get used to it, either.”
“Believe me, I won’t. It’s not like you’ll give me the chance.” Momomi stopped short as they reached the paddock. “Well… see you later, I guess.”
Kaname just nodded and watched her leave.
I’m such a coward. But, for all that, I do think I like you, Momomi.
Fuck.
Back to Astraea Lake Index - Back to Strawberry Panic Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction