But I remember now.
Shut up.
When it comes to it, I’m different from them.
Shut up, damnit!
And different from you.
Kaname felt that echo in her mind for the fiftieth time, biting her lip in anger and frustration. Her fists balled, crumpling the blazer beneath her touch as she watched Momomi leave the stable. She stepped forwards, only to stop as Momomi was accosted by a score of other girls, all of whom looked like they urgently wanted to talk to her. Kaname stalked forwards, eyes locked on Momomi as she laughed casually at something then replied. She was attracting a lot of attention, though, and cast around with her eyes, settling on Kaname and giving her a pleading look. Kaname’s protective instinct warred with her anger for a moment, then one of the girls grabbed Momomi by the arm to attract her attention and something snapped. Kaname stopped at the edge of the circle, thrust the blazer in Momomi’s general direction, then turned and stormed away, favouring the world around with an extremely dark glare.
What the hell was that, charging in there like she owned the place, attracting so much attention, and flattering all those lice? God, it pisses me off! Why? Does she actually enjoy that crap at all? I thought she didn’t care about normal people, so she why was she acting like that? And in front of so many people, no less…that’s just stupid. Is Amane really that important? Does she really want to spite that badly? Is any of this my fault? Why the hell am I being punished just because I don’t like her that way? How is that fair? She’s just victimising me to gratify my own feelings! Trying to make me jealous like that…and what’s even worse is that I am jealous! I’m angry beyond belief! But that’s not because of her, that’s because she has to pick Amane, doesn’t she? Why’s it always Amane? I still don’t see it at all, what makes her so great? What makes her so worth Amane’s time? Even if Momomi wants to be like this, couldn’t she pick someone, anyone else? More importantly, why did Amane tolerate her? What’s so special about Momomi, as opposed to anyone else?
…different from you…
Fuck.
Kaname punched the air in frustration. If there was a wall, she would have punched that instead. It’s so bloody annoying! Watching them like that, playing horse with everyone watching as if they’re the same kind of person…I don’t even recognise her. That’s not the Momomi I know! Being so isolated and arrogant and pretentious, I’m different, what the hell was that? What’s with her attitude? Am I supposed to be humbled, or something? Is it impressive that she can just about ride a horse with people watching her, and talk with Amane about whatever the hell it is they talked about? What the hell did she want me to think? Am I supposed to be jealous, when she’s being such an arrogant jerk? Kaname hissed through her teeth, infuriated she hadn’t spent any of her fury. It just kept welling up from somewhere, every time she saw that image, the two of them riding together. Amane so perfect, Momomi so improvised but still… something…graceful…fitting…not doing anything, not racing or performing tricks, just trotting back and forwards…together. And talking. Every time I remember that, it feels like a betrayal. And because I’m jealous when she wants me to be jealous, it’s like I’m betraying myself. And considering I reacted the way I did, it’s not like she can’t know she got to me, either. She made a complete fool out of me, and we both know. That’s what’s annoying around here! Why does she have to go so far just to make a point? I…I like her company, I know that, so why does she have to do this? It’s so pointless and aggravating, so much so that I just wonder whether she’s doing it to piss me off. Or does she really think this will help? Yes, I am jealous… as a friend, I’m jealous, and I’m damn sure I have that right. Why should she spend time with that bitch when she could be with me? And why does she have to put on such a show, where all I do is watch and hold her coat? Does she expect me to do that again? I’m not everyone’s bloody servant; I’m not Amiki, I’m not going to sit in the shadows and watch her race ahead of me. Not for her convenience, not for anyone!
The rage still hadn’t gone, and Kaname recognised it by now. She hadn’t felt like this since Momomi last betrayed her, but once upon a time this was something she experienced every day of every week. No, that’s not exactly right. When Momomi betrayed me like that, I was melancholy as much as I was angry, and it was a cold fury, not this… choking…pervading sense of wrongness. I just want to hurt something, someone, myself, inflicting pain, tearing, destroying, all of that. I’ve felt like this before and flung myself at groups six times my number, individuals six years my senior, everything, just to feel alive. I have to hurt something with this rage before it eats me from the inside out. I can’t just bear with it. That’s how I’m feeling right now. It’s my darkest mood, when I’ve been betrayed. Betrayal. That’s the word, when a friend goes against all of your principles and all of your wishes, just to hurt you and gratify her own feelings. Even after I told her, that I’d been betrayed again…she nodded so kindly, then, she even held me, but she still did this. Everyone’s the same. No one will stay perfect forever, that’s the way it is, isn’t it? Kaname dug her nails into the palm of her hand, wishing that she could believe that. Why does this always happen to me? So I’m not a great person, I know that, but what did I do to deserve this? So I don’t like Momomi, so what? Is that so bad of me, to be human? Apparently so, for her at least. Why else would she be acting like this?
Amane. That would be another reason. Kaname allowed herself a malicious smirk. That stuck-up, cold bitch. I’d enjoy that, I’ll relish the imagining. I’d punch her bloody face in, just to see her react. She thinks she can turn away and pretend I don’t exist, but I’ll make her remember I’m real. I’ll show her how real my hatred is. Even if she doesn’t acknowledge me, I’ll make her bleed. You can’t just wish that way because it’s poor or violent or common or normal, now can you? So she’s different, but that cuts both ways, doesn’t it? Even if she has the strength, she doesn’t have my viciousness. She doesn’t understand what it is, to be smashed down and left to bleed by someone, everyone, friends, foes, mother, father…she doesn’t know the feeling that flows through your veins when you’re living for nothing but the desire to hurt another human being. I’ll show her that. I’ll show her what it means to feel pain, to be brought so low that she’s finally at my level. She can realise that even if it’s a wretched fall from grace for her, I’ve been living in that crap all this time. Then she’ll be the one to know everything about differences and distance. I’d enjoy it. It makes my palms itch just to think about it. She has everything, so I’ll take something away from her. And I’m not going to forgive her if she even tries to take Momomi away from me. Momomi’s mine, I was the one who listened to her, supported her, stood by her, and protected her. I’m the one who suffered for her. I don’t care what anyone thinks, I’ll keep her to myself, even if that’s selfish. I have the right!
So why am I bothered? That annoyingly persistent voice echoed in the back of her mind, probing her angry thoughts and cutting through them all. Momomi’s as fault, Momomi chose to socialise with Amane, Momomi annoyed me, so why should I even want to be around her? Why is Amane’s fault that this happened? Why aren’t I going to take this out on Momomi? Wouldn’t that be the right thing to do? Isn’t that the person I’m really angry with. I should punch her, and then… and then…Kaname felt a curious melancholy. I can’t do that. I could never hurt her. Why? I have my pride, I suppose, that’d be just like punching a child, no different from my parents…and she’s curiously resistant to physical intimidation anyway, but…I still couldn’t. If I did that, it would all break. I’d be like her father and I’d have no right to be her friend. Even if she’s angered me, even if she’s hurt me, even if she said what she said, Momomi isn’t someone I’m going to hurt. She’s someone to protect. Why am I saying that right now? Just because I don’t hurt her, that doesn’t mean I have to protect her…Kaname sighed, feeling her rage slowly ebb away. Now she tried to keep hold of it. It reminded her of a simple, easy world, but it was fading away. But nothing’s changed. If I saw girls bullying her, I’d still run in to save her. I’d still to fight to protect her. I’d still put my body between her and any pain that might come her way, and I’d still bleed to let her stand tall. Does that make me a good friend, or an idiot, than I can think that even when I’m feeling like this? Kaname scowled. Idiot. Definitely.
When she reached the Japanese classroom, she threw herself into her chair in the far corner and slumped forwards, resting her head against the desk and sighing hugely. …different from you…Her eyes were hurting, and it was pissing her off. I remember days like this. I used to be like this all the time, and it was wretched. If Momomi left, would I end up the same way again? Makes me feel pathetic. This isn’t growth, it’s just dependency. If I think straight, why the hell should I care that she spends twenty minutes playing horse with Amane? There’s no good reason, but I do care, and it’s really annoying me. She’s mine, the one I shared my past with and the one who cares for me. I hate this feeling. The one which tells me that all of that could turn to dust. I won’t accept that. Kaname tried not to think about Amiki had said. She didn’t need that to worry about, on top of anything.
She could hear them, though. She could hear them, and it was getting bloody annoying.
“Hey, did you see Amane-san and Kaname’s girl, what was it… Momo? Momo Phareli? You know, the girl who had her weird family round here on the weekend…”
“See? See what?”
“I was there, it was so weird! Amane-san was riding, just like always, and then that Momo came out on a horse and joined her, just like that. And Amane-san let her! They rode around together talking!”
“Really? Amane-san and that girl? But she’s so strange…”
“I know. Not just that, either. She was riding one of Amane-san’s horses. And Amane just accepted it. They must have agreed to meet there before.”
“But Amane talked with her? Amane doesn’t talk with anyone, least of all someone like that!”
“That’s what I thought, but perhaps we shouldn’t be so surprised. So no one’s heard of her here, but my mother told me the Phareli are a big aristocratic family in Italy after all, and she’s the second daughter. If it’s just blood and money, she has the right quality to be with Amane-san.”
“That girl? Even if you say that, she’s so quiet and weird, I can’t see it at all. Besides, she’s a foreigner, isn’t she? For someone like Amane-”
“Shut up.” Kaname glared at them. “You’re noisy. Stop annoying me.”
Conversation in the room, much of which had been variants on that same theme, stopped almost instantly. They turned to face her and she glowered right back at them, daring them to say a word. She was almost sure they were going to talk back, and then she’d snap at them, when the teacher walked in and snapped at the last few people who were talking. They turned away and the moment was gone, leaving Kaname with a displaced sense of annoyance. So even now, I’ll defend her. I wish I knew why.
Kaname drifted through her lessons feeling very annoyed, quite angry, fairly frustrated, and acutely aware that she was overreacting. But it’s not something I can help, nor is it something I’ll apologise for. I have strong emotions and I’m not a person with the patience of a saint, either. If I’m irritated, I’ll lash out at the source of the irritation. That’s who I am. She looked around and wished that she actually had something to lash out at, but there was nothing. They weren’t saying it any more, perhaps because they’d got the idea that she would attack anyone who did. But still, it annoyed her. All that attention…for what? Because Momomi rode with Amane? What’s the big deal? Why does everyone need to know? Why was it important? I’ve no idea, they’re just reading too much into things. Even if Momomi is bitter, she’s definitely not that fickle. If she was, she’d be a pathetic person, and she’s not. I know that. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy it either way. Like that… when she’s acting like that…I know she said, she wanted to be popular. And I know she could. But even though I agreed when she said it, I don’t like her acting like this. I don’t like her just walking away and using Amane, I don’t like them all talking about her either, I don’t like any of this. When it was just the two of us, loafing around in our room, was that so bad? That’s always been enough for me…
…different from you…
Kaname scowled deeply and tried to forget those words. She didn’t like the sense of distance they gave her. Instead she looked out the window, watching the clouds. Clouds were nice. That sufficed as an activity until the bell rang. Kaname sighed and began to slide her books until her bag. A bag packed by Momomi…
“You look broody, Kenjou.” Yuho leaned over her desk, glancing at her.
Kaname frowned and gave her a dark look, which the girl apparently ignored. “I’m not broody. I’m just in a bad mood.”
“Because of your Kiyashiki girl?”
“No. Because annoying people who can’t take a hint keep bothering me.”
“Still impatient, I see. But that’s not important?” Yuho glanced at her. “What’s all this stuff about Kiyashiki and Amane?”
“Who knows? Ask them yourself.”
“Oh, come on. Everyone knows you and Kiyashiki are joined at the waist. Hell, I thought you two were together.” Yuho gave her a thoughtful look. “Perhaps not, if some of the rumours are true…”
“It’s got nothing to do with you.” Kaname stood and threw her bag over her shoulders, turning away. “So forget it.”
“Don’t be like that. I’m just curious. Is that so bad?” Yuho walked after her as she exited the classroom, trying to keep up with Kaname’s long stride.
“Stop following me.”
“I will, when you tell me what you know. Is that so difficult?”
“It’s not your business.”
“Even if you say that, anything concerned with Amane-san becomes everyone’s business. You can’t blame me, now can you?”
“I could care less. Go back to your friends or ask them yourselves. That’s all.”
“God, you’re so boring…” Yuho sighed. “Isn’t it interesting? Amane-san with someone like Kiyashiki.”
“It’s not with anything,” Kaname replied through gritted teeth. “Don’t get too excited. They just talked and rode, that’s all. I don’t see why everyone’s so enthusiastic.”
“Well, perhaps you don’t know, but Amane-san won’t even talk to most people. That’s why it’s surprising.”
“What’s so surprising about that?” Kaname closed her eyes. “I don’t like talking to most people, and that includes you.”
“Of course, but she’s different from you.” Yuho shook her head. “All the same, I don’t get that Kiyashiki girl. What do you see in her?”
“What’s it to you?”
“More curiosity. Your answer might help me understand what Amane-san sees in someone as weird as her.”
“Drop dead.”
“Well, there’s no accounting for taste.”
Kaname stopped and snapped her head back, giving Yuho a killer glare. “Get out of my sight. Now.”
Yuho stepped back, apparently unimpressed. “You’re still very defensive of her, aren’t you? Oh, well. Perhaps I will ask her myself. See you around.”
“Idiot.” Kaname growled and walked on.
She found Momomi outside her French classroom, talking to people. Kaname could guess the topic of conversation, and didn’t want to deal with it right now. She stopped just behind the group and pulled her arms out of her pockets, folding her arms severely. “Momomi. Stop wasting time.”
“I’ll be there in a second, Kaname.”
“Like hell.” Kaname pushed her way past one of Momomi’s classmates and grabbed the brown-haired girl by the wrist. “Have you forgotten?”
“Forgotten what?” Momomi frowned. “Oh, of course. I-”
“We don’t have time to waste on unnecessary things.” Kaname dragged Momomi away without looking back. “This is serious.”
“It hurts, Kaname. I can walk, you know-”
“Shut up.” She heard Momomi gasp behind her. “These exams are serious. I’m going to get you through them, even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming every step of the way.”
“I know that, and I’m indebted to you. So can you let go of me?”
“And have you escape? Not likely.” Kaname snorted. “I’m sick of the sight of your new groupies already.”
Momomi winced, trying to keep up with Kaname. “You’re unexpectedly forwards. But they’re not groupies. They’re just curious, so you don’t have to snap at anything.”
“Curious for a reason. That’s what annoys me.” Kaname glared at her friend. “Why did you do that?”
Momomi’s eyes narrowed. “Why shouldn’t I?”
“Because it’s bloody immature of you, that’s why. I thought you were smarter than this.” Kaname looked away, gritting her teeth. “Playing around with Amane just to annoy me-”
“Just to annoy you? I did that because you told me I couldn’t. You were the one annoying me.” Momomi frowned. “You thought I couldn’t do it, but I could. If anything, you’re the one being immature. You’re a sore loser, Kaname.”
Kaname’s grip tightened. “Oh, I am, am I? I think you’re the sore loser around here.”
“What are you-”
“You know what I mean.”
Momomi flushed angrily. “well, you’re wrong! I appreciate this may be news to your ego, but the world doesn’t revolve around you?”
“If not that, then why?”
“I told you, Amane’s interesting.”
“Do you expect me to believe that’s the reason?”
“It’s up to you whether or not you choose to believe in the truth.”
Kaname snorted. “That’s some truth. Amane’s interesting… sounds like a huge lie on its own merits.”
“That’s what everyone says about you,” Momomi retorted. “I’d think that you should be smart enough to know that she’s different beneath the surface.”
“Oh? And aren’t you another person who says that normal people aren’t interesting?”
“Are you seriously telling me that Amane’s a normal person?” Momomi laughed. “Now that’s a lie.”
“No, you’re right.” Kaname’s face twisted. “Normal people at least care about their wonderful lives. They’re not asocial horse-riding egomaniacs, in short.”
“And she says that you’re a violent, antisocial bitch,” Momomi replied snappishly. “You can call each other what you like.”
“Oh? She said that, did she?” Kaname raised her eyebrows in fake calm. “You must have been having a pleasant conversation.”
“Actually, I told her she didn’t know anything.” Momomi pulled her hand free angrily. “I’m not quite sure why, actually… but I did.”
“You didn’t have to bother. I could care less what someone like her says about me.”
“Oh, really?” Momomi smirked. “Then why were you so annoyed at our pleasant conversation?”
“You’re not her. I’m not going to let you say what you like.”
“That goes for you, as well. After the fiftieth time you insult Amane meaninglessly, it gets really very old. Knock it off.”
“What’s it to you?” Kaname challenged. “Defending your new friend?”
“Nothing so grand.” Momomi flicked her hair disdainfully. “I just have to listen to my old friend, that’s why.”
“Well, get used to me speaking like this. I won’t change for you.”
“That’s fine, if you’re going to be like that.” Momomi folded her arms. “I’ll speak to her when I like, as well. She told me I could, and you don’t have the right to stop me. She’s even agreed to lend me her horse.”
“So I have no right, do I?” Kaname was vaguely aware that they’d joined the line in the canteen, but she didn’t care. That stuff didn’t matter. “What the hell do I have to do, to have the right? I’ve been with you all this time, I’ve supported you so many times, but she-”
“What does she have to do?” Momomi demanded icily. “I spent twenty minutes talking with her, so what do you expect? You’re seriously overreacting. Why does it even matter?”
“It’s because it’s with her, and you know that’s an affront to me. You know how much I hate her. So why the hell should I let you kick me in the teeth by prancing about with her and pretending to be a princess?”
“I’m not pretending anything, and I’m not indebted to your hatred.” Momomi snorted. “What’s that got to with me, Kaname? It’s never been sensible anyway.”
“It’s not a matter of sensible.” Kaname glared at her. “How would you like it if I started getting all chummy with your father?”
“That’s a ridiculous comparison. What has she ever done to you, Kaname? Do tell, because you never have before.” Momomi drew herself up. “Give me a single thing she ever did to deserve you being a self-righteous prick about her.”
“Self-righteous? Aren’t you the self-righteous one yourself?” Kaname snarled. “Sitting so prettily between us and defending each to other. Do you get a kick out of that, pretending you’re so tolerant and broadminded?”
“That’s not it. With Amane, there’s not even anything I need to tolerate. But, as for broadminded… it’s really not hard to be more broadminded than you two are. You’re both classist egotists, thinking you know best from where you stand.”
“Well, why shouldn’t I feel contempt for her? Has she ever lived in the real world? What does she know about anything?”
“Her world’s mine,” Momomi said curtly. “I don’t relish it.”
“That’s not the issue here. I have good reasons to hate her, but she’s got no good reasons to look down on me. She’s just an arrogant bitch!”
“So are you, what of it?”
“Why, you-”
“Am I wrong?” Momomi’s fists balled. “If that’s the case, you have good reasons to hate me. If you blame me for my birth, you’re just pathetically shallow. It’s the same from Amane.”
“Well, it’s too bad that everyone thinks that way around here,” Kaname retorted. “Why the hell should I like them when they look down on me?”
“No one asked you to like them, but you should tolerate them. You’re still overreacting, completely overreacting.”
“The hell I am! Since when were you so arrogant? Well?” Kaname slammed a hand against the metal surface next to her. “Do you even know what I’m talking about?”
“That wasn’t arrogance,” Momomi retorted. “That was fact. Because I’m not like you, someone who’ll watch from afar like the tragic heroine!”
“You stuck up bitch!”
“I’m the bitch? If you’re so jealous of the fact that your precious Amane-sama is talking to someone for five minutes, go and confess to her.” Momomi gave her a defiant look. “I know it’s not me you’re jealous of.”
“Why, you… are you that desperate for an excuse to-”
“Shut the hell up. That’s enough.” Kariya glowered down at them from her considerable height advantage. “Fighting like little kids, you’re way too loud. If you’re so keen to tear each other to pieces, get the hell out of here and find a room. Or whatever else you want to do there.”
“Etoile-sama,” Momomi murmured, apparently automatically.
“God, it’s annoying. Hormonal teens like you two are the absolute worst.” Kariya shook her head. “If you’re going to have a tiff, at least do it out of sight. Have awareness of your surroundings!”
“Yes, Kariya-sama,” Kaname muttered sarcastically.
“Bear it in mind. Any more, and I’ll beat that into both of you.” Kariya glared again. “Kenjou, I’m expecting you at the kendo club today. Don’t let me down. I’ll give you advice, and show you what real swordsmanship is.”
Advice about what, I wonder? Another counselling session with Kariya-sensei, aren’t I the lucky one? At least Serané doesn’t beat her points home with a sword…Kaname nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
“Good. Don’t forget, I’ll make you pay for it if you do.” Kariya walked away, skipping the queue.
“As arrogant as ever…” Kaname growled, the moment she was out of earshot. “She’s got a damn proprietary attitude for someone who won a popularity contest.”
“I think that’s just the way she is, don’t you think?”
“Right. Annoying.”
Having exhausted their current supply of common ground, they fell into a very tense silence.
Momomi grabbed their lunches. “Where are we eating?”
“Our room. Easier to study there.”
“Right.”
I should call this off. That would be best for both of us, and we won’t learn anything if we’re working together with this mood. Kaname flicked a lock of her blue hair out of her eyes, feeling slightly ill when she remembered that Momomi had brushed it only this morning. But if I let her go, she’d just run off to Amane, wouldn’t she? Like hell I’m letting her do that. “Right,” she agreed.
“What will we be studying?” Momomi asked, her voice dangerously constrained.
“I’m not sure. Probably Japanese, that’s one of the hardest papers.” Kaname made an equal effort to keep her voice neutral. “That’s one of your strengths, though, isn’t it?”
“That’s right. Creative writing and comprehension, anyway.”
“Creative writing is one of my weaker areas. I just concentrate on the technical side of things.”
“That’s one of the only things you can train about it,” Momomi agreed.
“Right.” Kaname took a deep breath, trying to cool herself down. Unfortunately, she’d been interrupted in mid-flow, and wasn’t very sure how to deal with the aftermath.
“Do we get tested in sports or anything?”
“Nope. Well, unless you want a sports scholarship. But they’re a fraction of the money.” Kaname sighed. “I don’t actually have one of those. It requires you to do sport, for a start.”
“So you could get paid to do sports? I don’t see why you don’t.”
“It’s boring and tiring, even for me. A lot of sports, I don’t see the point.”
“And I suppose they don’t have a scholarship for freestyle fighting.”
“They don’t, no.” Kaname closed her eyes for a moment. “Probably a good thing.”
Kaname bore with the silence until they reached their room, then she pushed open the door and flung herself onto her bed, burying her face in the pillow for a moment and relaxing slightly. Even now, this room’s a sanctuary. Perhaps… this is even a place I could call home. Kaname frowned. That was a badly timed revelation.
Momomi closed the door behind her and walked slowly over to her own bed, sitting on it and placing her bento next to her. “So, what now?”
Kaname pulled her Japanese textbook out of her bag and balanced it on her knees. “Right now, just look at a poem or whatever, and bounce analysis off each other.”
“Sure. Sounds easy.”
“Later, we’ll go to the library and get what we need.”
“What do we need?”
“Textbooks aimed at the higher years. More general texts. And a lot of paper. This isn’t an easy exam, like I said.”
“I’ve gathered,” Momomi said dryly. “You’ve made it sound very scary.”
“Well, if it wasn’t you, I wouldn’t even bother. Your grades mean you actually stand a chance.”
“My grades are worse than other people.”
“You don’t try, though. You’re just coasting on your native intelligence.” Kaname flicked through the pages of her textbook, trying to find a decent poem. “I know because I do it too. But that won’t be enough for this.”
“I know, already. You sound like a teacher.”
“Well, in a manner of speaking, I am a teacher.”
“Yes, yes.” Momomi smiled. “Shall I call you Kaname-sensei?”
Kaname frowned and sighed, relaxing a little more at her light tone. “You know, I’ve been on the receiving end of about every title except chan. Would it hurt to call me what girls normally call their friends?”
Momomi cocked her head. “I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem to work for you.”
Kaname grunted. “Too bad. Just as long as it’s not kun.”
“That’s a shame. Kun suits you.”
“God damnit, this again?”
“Aren’t you glad?” Momomi pouted. “I still remember when I told you about me… you went on your little tirade about how you’ll be like a boy because that’s where the power lies.”
“Well, that doesn’t mean I want to be treated like one.”
Momomi sighed. “I suppose not…”
“Well, it doesn’t matter.” Kaname opened her bento. Actually, if I’m honest, I think I like it. Just a little.
“I see. That’s good.”
Kaname looked up, glad her friend was still leafing through her own textbook. She glanced away and spoke casually. “Say… what kind of title suits Amane, in your opinion? Kun again? She looks like me, after all.”
Momomi looked up and smiled. “Amane-san. Definitely.”
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