Astraea Lake (part 27 of 76)

Once again, I need you guys to plug the gaps in my own imagination. That's to say, how to mess with Kaname's hair to make her look appropriately goofy. She just doesn't lend herself to anything in particular, except her straight-down male-ish look.

Momomi rolled her eyes. “Well, we’ll begin by having you sit still while I sort this mess out. Honestly, it defies all laws of nature…”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t blame my hair so freely. If you’re the one who combs it every day, then why the hell is it this bad all the time? Or rather, why is your combing so bad?”

“They say a bad workman blames his tools, but in your case no one would blame me,” Momomi said. “I can only work with what I have, and that’s your hair. Which isn’t exactly the pure white canvas and 500-piece oil paint set of metaphor.”

“Tch. I don’t know why you have to say it in English, but I get it already. You moan far too much to be any kind of workman.”

“And you should trust the abilities of the person who’s doing this for you.”

“Well, last time I checked, you were pretty short of professional qualifications, you know. Forgive me for a little natural suspicion.”

“Be that as it may, I’m several dozen times more qualified than you are. The only hair-care I’d entrust you with is shearing sheep. Even then, only if I wasn’t planning on doing anything much with the wool.”

“Tell me, are the insults part of this service, or do they cost extra?”

“They’re free. Part of my excellent customer service.”

Kaname snorted. “Well, you’ve certainly recovered your poise.”

Momomi twisted her fingers experimentally through a tangle, making her friend wince. “Disappointed much?”

“Nope, just glad you’re not as weak as I’d feared. Between us we’ve had enough wet moments to last a term, perhaps a lifetime, so I don’t want you to make a habit of it.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t be too fazed, even if it’s only to spite you.”

“Well, that’s fine, but it’s not the same as not feeling pain. If you want to talk, you should talk. Otherwise you’re just being cowardly.”

Momomi brushed the area out, starting close to the base and sliding the comb through before working her way up. “Inconsistent, aren’t you?”

“I can be glad when you’re strong but understanding when you’re weak, without there being anything strange in that. In fact, any other attitude would be unhealthy.”

“You say that, but you still see this in terms of strength and weakness.”

“Well, forgive me, I’m using the words that will bring me success in this world.”

Momomi’s lips twitched into a smile. “Kaname the feminist again… I suppose it suits your aggressive personality.”

“You get your point of contention, I get mine.”

“But this is a routine, isn’t it?”

Kaname blinked. “What? You combing my hair? Of course it is, you won’t get off my case about it!”

“No, not that,” Momomi said, sounding annoyed. She set the comb aside and ran her hands through Kaname, searching for anything she’d missed. “I meant our bantering.”

Kaname closed her eyes. “That? No, that’s been something incessant ever since we met each other, to greater or lesser degrees of sportsmanship…”

“No, I mean specifically. Arguing about hair. We do that every day, now.”

“Hmm. I suppose you’re right. But don’t blame me, you won’t give it a rest.”

Momomi snorted. “And you’re any different? You never run out of things to say back, and you’ve started more than once.”

“Well, forgive me. If I insult your ability to handle a comb, that’s hardly important. But my hair’s my own, and it won’t change. So it’s a more fundamental thing.”

Momomi picked up the comb again, tapping it against her chin. “Hmm… I wonder whether your hair might change after all. You’re a growing girl, after all.”

“Don’t talk as if you’re not. It makes you sound like someone’s mother.”

“But mostly you just picked up on that as an excuse,” Momomi said, beginning to style it. “You like a good argument as much as me.”

“I’ll concede that much. I’ve no idea why, but it’s nice to meet someone who understands that there’s something to be said for ripping into each other and attacking each other’s personalities, physical features and mannerisms.”

Momomi looked at the mirror thoughtfully. “That was so deadpan I couldn’t tell it was sarcasm.”

“Sarcasm?”

“Never mind.” Momomi stopped for a moment, gathering a bunch of Kaname’s hair in one hand and frowning. “Hmm…”

“What now?” Kaname asked shortly.

“I was wondering whether I should restyle your hair at some point,” Momomi clarified. “It’s a little dull to wear it the same way every day.”

“You do the same thing! Experiment on yourself first!”

“Well, I will, if Kaname has anything she wants me to look like,” Momomi said. “But I think playing with your hair could be more fun. Perhaps a dinky little ponytail?”

“Stop saying weird things,” Kaname said. “My hair’s just fine the way it is, straight down, no messing around. Besides, it’s not long enough… now, on you a ponytail might make some sense.”

Momomi cocked her head, placing a hand behind her head and holding up a messy bundle of her own hair. She stared at the mirror considering it. “I don’t know,” she said eventually, letting it drop. “It doesn’t seem very me.”

“You know, you’re right. It looks frighteningly like Kariya, but you definitely don’t have her fighting personality.”

“Well, thank you,” Momomi said, sounding annoyed. “But I’ll definitely find something odd and interesting to do with your hair. Centre parting? Side parting? Perhaps dinky little pigtails…”

“Pigtails!” Kaname snapped.

“Oh, come on.” Momomi pouted at her friend’s reflection. “You don’t have to protest so loudly.”

“No, not that. Pigtails would be so totally you.”

“They’d make me look like a little kid.”

“Exactly. You have a kind of jail-bait look to you as it is… this would be perfect.”

“Thanks, I think. I didn’t know you made such weird comparisons.”

“Living where I lived, I know every way to get to jail,” Kaname mused. “It’s getting out that’s the troublesome thing. But provided you don’t do anything permanent I’ll put up with anything if you wear pigtails for a day.”

“I wonder whether this was such a good idea…” Momomi reflected, getting back to straightening Kaname’s hair. Oh, well.

“Hmm?”

Momomi hesitated. “Glad that we have two more days to work on my family. However I look at it, we haven’t got very far yet.”

“We’ll bring them around somehow. Truthfully, they’re not exactly bright, so…”

“Don’t underestimate my family,” Momomi said warningly. “They may be ignorant but they’re not stupid… except possibly mother, but she’s not important for this anyway.”

“I know. We’re smarter.”

Kaname spoke with absolute confidence, so firmly that Momomi found herself nodding almost subconsciously. She smiled. That’s one of Kaname’s more attractive features. Though I shouldn’t think like that…but not even in that sense, she can make the impossible seem simple. “Confident as ever,” she teased, ruffling her friend’s hair slightly. “Are you sure of that?”

“Absolutely. And we have one other advantage.” Kaname frowned. “Unlike them, we’ll say or do whatever it takes. I can say from life experience, the lack of inhibitions is a powerful force.”

Momomi sighed. “I don’t like it when you say things like that, you know. It sounds so self-destructive.”

“Who cares about that?” Kaname asked. “That way you can get results.”

“Even so, if you’re hurting yourself too much-”

“A little effort and pain now will save me a lot later,” Kaname said. “That’s how I operate. That’s how I passed the scholarship exam, too. And in this case, it’s simple. If we fail then you won’t be here any more. Compared to that, there’s not much I can do here and now to inconvenience me.”

“Kaname…”

“Don’t be too touched,” her friend warned. “I enjoy your company, but it’s my enjoyment I’m protecting. That’s a selfish thing.”

“Amiki was right, though,” Momomi teased. “Sometimes a little selfishness is a good quality for a person to have.”

“Perhaps some people might like it, but it’s not necessarily a positive. It can be a creative or a destructive force, like everything else, but it’s strong so it’s worse than most other such things. That’s my experience, anyway.”

“Very metaphorical.”

“There’s no metaphor. That’s just the way things are.”

Momomi smiled and sighed at her own reflection. I’m glad, Kaname. That you’ll still let me do this even if you know that I’m weird. She toyed with the comb for a moment, trying to think of a reason for prolonging the process. It was just nice, to be able to stand here and do this much. But I can’t even say that much…I guess I really am a coward at heart. I said it before, though, it’s fine. It’s better that she knows, and I know what she thinks too. Really, something that could have been contentious is resolved, because I know I’m her important friend and nothing but her friend. That’s just as well, that I’ve been reminded of that, because now I can recognise for myself that really do enjoy this, to be closer to her, to touch her hair and hear her voice and see her smile. It isn’t necessarily a sexual thing; I’m not that dirty-minded. But it’s more than just friendship, as well. It’s the… illumination of her presence? Did I just think that? God, I’ll be writing mushy poetry any day now. I suppose I just want to be close to her, but now I’m aware of myself, I know that I can’t get too close after all, even if it’s with the purest thoughts in mind. She’d inevitably become suspicious, and with good reason; the best of my intentions could become something else, so easily, if I don’t watch myself. It’s a terrible thing, when you have to worry about betraying yourself like that. But more than that, I can’t betray her. I don’t want to violate what we do have.

“Are we done here?” Kaname asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Hmm. You looked a little distracted.”

“I was thinking about things,” Momomi said ambiguously.

“Anything in particular? Or just generally?”

“Just generally,” Momomi lied, sitting on her bed. “Mostly how to deal with my parents. I wish I could see what to do.” Stupid…but what am I going to say? That I’m worried that I’m going to ruin our friendship by going too far? Yeah, that’d help the situation…

“We can just play it by the ear,” Kaname said dismissively. “Nothing too much to worry about.”

“I guess so.” That confidence, again.

“Can I rest for a moment? I’m a little… tired.”

Kaname just nodded, lying down on her own bed and looking up at the ceiling. “Okay, okay. Just as long as you don’t brood.”

“I won’t do anything too dramatic,” Momomi replied, leaning back. “I’m not here to entertain you, after all.”

“Just as long as you remember that.”

Kariya’s words flickered into her mind. Love is something we fight for, Kiyashiki, with every resource available to us. She has Kaname’s talent as well, the ability to define and simplify the world with simple convictions, the confidence to make the hardest things in life sound simple. Amiki, as well. If you want to be their friends, maybe agreeing with them all the time would be enough, but lovers need to be a little selfish as well. So, what? Should I fight, in Kariya’s aggressive terms? Should I stop putting her feelings above mine and start to act on my own impulses, or else work to try and bring her round? Momomi frowned. She wanted to sigh, but she couldn’t, that would be too blatant a sign of brooding. Kaname deals with my pain by teasing me and making it my weakness, in the hopes that I’ll forget it. I appreciate the sentiment, but sometimes I feel like that is throttling me. I’m not like her, able to bear pain and uncertainty so easily. I’m a person who needs to cry, but I have to force myself around her, whether she wants that or not. That’s part of the same story. Do I do what I want to do, regardless of her, or do I try and keep everything, the good and the bad, inside to protect her? If she knew my love and my sadness, they’d both only pain her. Ultimately, the world’s a lot more complex than those two would have me believe.

Have I always felt this way, and only realised it now? Perhaps not, I’m not sure. Either way, this is a lot harder. If it was a case where I barely knew her, I could just confess and then forget it if she said no. In theory, anyway, because the reality of telling a girl that you’re romantically interested in her remains weird. And she’d probably be unapproachable and hostile anyway. But whatever. The point stands. Rejection would hurt but I could still walk away. Now, though, I have an awful lot to lose. If I was no longer Kaname’s friend, in fact, there wouldn’t be much point at staying in Astraea on the first place. She’s not interested and I’m not brave, so perhaps the best thing to do is to accept the situation. On the other hand, would that be running away from my feelings? What future does our friendship have if our emotions are so different, anyway? In a scenario like this, right and wrong are hard to determine. I thought I’d settled this before, but I haven’t. Just being around her makes me wonder and wonder again, and the worst of it is that I’m not even certain of my own feelings. Am I just attracted to her? Do I like her personality? Is this love? Or just a kind of curiosity, based on the example of others…what are my own feelings? What would I say to her? I’ve no one I could bear to ask for advice from, so that leaves me floundering and alone. It isn’t a good scenario, all told.

Momomi put her hands behind her head, frowning. Considering this is a new thing, it’s probably not just physical. I mean, I’ve seen her naked before, so something’s changed between then and now…but I don’t have a way to measure my own emotions. On the other hand, I may just have been oblivious or in denial. People talk about love in such a confident way, but it’s a very nebulous concept. How do I know that my love is the same as Kaname’s love that is proportional to someone else’s feelings? We can’t measure it with our eyes and there are no tests for it, or if there are then they’re difficult to read and harder to interpret. We can’t really compare it, except with words. What’s love, then? The state where you stand up and say “I am in love”, is that enough to make it love? Admittance? But surely people who say they are in love can often be portrayed as idiots with a "crush” or an “infatuation”, as if people can somehow categorise love so neatly into mature and immature feelings. But the criteria are vague at best. What’s the difference between those and “love at first sight”? Can such a thing even exist? How does that compare to the same word “love” of a married couple? Likewise, I’m pretty sure people say you can be in love and unaware of that fact, but it’s supposed to show in your words and actions, all the same. More than any other emotion, it’s an impossible concept to grasp. I may read a lot of romances, but I don’t know anything at all. And I don’t fancy talking to anyone who does know something…

“What? Oh, that’s-” Momomi calculated the odds of a conversation on the nature of love being interpreted as innocent sentiments, and decided they weren’t good. “The same thing. I still haven’t got anywhere.”

“You were looking pretty melancholy, you know.”

“I guess so.”

“Want to talk about it?” Kaname closed her eyes, looking bored. “It’s boring like this, just sitting in silence.”

“Isn’t that what we did for months on end?”

“Of course, but that was before. Besides, you’re dodging the question.”

Momomi smiled thinly. “I suppose I am. I’m fine, I think, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

“You’ve been saying that a lot recently, you know,” Kaname said in a hurt tone.

“I’m sorry. I just have a lot to worry about.”

“That’s exactly it. I don’t like the idea of you struggling with your problems in silence… you’ll only screw up. I’d prefer it if you kept me up to speed, as well.”

“I’m surprised. And I’m also sorry. But… I think I have to be silent for now.”

“Alright. It’s your call. But I’m here, you know. Don’t ignore me all the time, already.”

“I understand.” Momomi closed her eyes. I wish I thought that you could listen to this, Kaname. But there are some things a friend shouldn’t be subjected to. I guess that’s my feelings right now.

There was a knock on the door, a novel experience. Kariya would barge in like she owned the place, while Serané would rap gently, just once, and ask politely whether she could disturb them on this fine morning, or somesuch. But this was a relatively normal knock. No one else really bothered to come to their room, so the girls stared at each other in puzzlement.

“I’ll go.” Kaname sighed and rolled casually off her bed, managing the trick of landing square on her feet. She slipped her shoes on and walked forwards. “Coming! Stop being so noisy at this time in the morning, already!” She opened the door, then stared at the girl standing there.

“Good morning,” Luigia said quietly. Momomi shot up at the sound of her voice.

Kaname leaned one hand against the doorframe, casually blocking her line of advance. “What do you want?”

“I came to apologise to Momomi,” the older girl said simply. “Can I see her, please?” She tried to peer into the room beyond but Kaname shifted, blocking her path. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“Please. Tell me what she thinks. This is important.”

Momomi frowned. Looks like I can’t run away from this one…though I’m not looking forwards to it, either. “Let her in, Kaname. It’s not like I’ve anything to be afraid of.”

“Alright,” Kaname grunted, pushing off the wall and stepping back. “I have things to do in the bathroom, so have your little heart-to-heart. But mark my words, if you upset her again, I’ll hurt you. Whatever she says about it.”

“You’re a good friend to her. Thank you.”

“Thank me for growing up and realising the world isn’t as convenient as your stereotypes,” Kaname shot over her shoulder, retreating into the bathroom.

“She’s a forthright girl,” Luigia said quietly, closing the door behind her. “Can I sit down?”

“Sure.” Momomi indicated the bed opposite her and turned to face it, folding her knees beneath her chin and wrapping her arms round them. It was a defensive posture, so she forced herself to stretch out properly after all, feet touching the floor.

There was an awkward silence as the two sisters stared at each other, their expressions half-guarded, half-melancholy. Momomi felt a familiar acid rise from the pit of her stomach. It’s not funny, when you think like that. My father, my mother, Araldo, it’s just the opinion of stupid people that I don’t respect at all. But when my sister, intelligent, kind, respected and friendly, says those things, it proves that anyone can think such ignorant, hateful things. And it cuts against the core of who I am. It hurts me, sister, and I wish I could make you understand that but I’m not sure whether I can. I’m not brave, not at heart. I can’t just stand up and change the world. I can’t even change you. If I’m so powerless, should I really go so far to remain alone? Can I even use that freedom?

“Like I said,” Luigia began. “I came to apologise. I became heated yesterday, and I said some things that shouldn’t have been said. I was out of line, and I’m very sorry. I never intended to say such things, and I regret it.”

“I know,” Momomi replied. “I was the same. But… even if we regret our tone, neither of us have changed our positions, have we?”

Luigia sighed. “No. You’re right, of course… and I can’t apologise for that. No, I won’t apologise for what I consider to be true and moral. You’re the same.”

“That’s right.” Momomi frowned, her eyes intense. “I’d like to show you that you’re wrong, but that won’t be possible, I think.”

“What I want to say is that I want to set this matter aside. I’ve begun to realise that we’re very different now from the two sisters we knew, but I don’t want things to change too dramatically.” Luigia sighed again, laying her hands on her knees. “I still respect you, Momomi, and I still love you. That hasn’t changed.”

Momomi closed her eyes for a moment. “I know. And I still love you, but it’s become hard for me to respect you.”

Luigia managed a smile. “I suppose I should expect that.”

“But, if possible, I would still like to remain your sister, the same as before. But not at the expense of my principles. I’m not going to abandon who I am for an easy life any more.”

“I know. I can accept that, and I’ll support you.” Luigia broke eye contact, looking down. “After that, I had a lot to think about… and you were probably the same. But you’re still my sister, and I’ll support you as best I can. I’ll cover you with father, and I’ll help you stay at this school.”

Momomi blinked. “Is that fine?” she asked, her voice hard. “Is it fine for me to stay at this queer, atheistic school that’s corrupting your sister?”

“I wish I could oppose you. But you’re my sister.” Luigia looked up again, her eyes glittering. “I have to support you and respect you, even if I don’t approve. That doesn’t have anything to do with it. You’re my sister, and I love you.”

Momomi felt a sense of elation at those words, but she clamped down hard on it. “I’m glad. But there’s one more thing that has to be said.”

Luigia looked at her. “I see.”

“When you say that it’s a phase, when you say that it’s a childish game, when you say that it’s a sin, a wrongful thing… you’re saying all that to me.” Momomi’s heart beat fast but she tried to keep her features and voice strong and confrontational. “Ever since I’ve been aware of my sexuality, I’ve been interested in other girls, and only other girls. That’s the way I am, and it won’t change even if you hate me for it.”

“I understand.” Luigia sighed. “I was afraid that might be the case.”

Momomi scowled. “I hate the way you put that.”

“Well, in itself that’s not unusual. I wouldn’t condemn people for their nature. But those people have a duty to restrain their unnatural urges. That’s why I’m unsure about the Etoiles.”

“You’re missing the point,” Momomi said, feeling anger rise again. “I’m gay, always have been and always will be. If I ever meet a girl I love, who loves me, I won’t be inhibited. I’ll go as far as I please, because it isn’t unnatural, and it isn’t wrong. I’m not ashamed, and I’m not pandering to your comfort zones.”

Luigia shrugged. “Then I will pray for you.”

Momomi flushed furiously. “Save it for someone who gives a damn. I could care less if it conflicts with your faith. And if this changes things, then at least say so.”

“I’ll stick by what I said before. Even if I tried to force you, it wouldn’t work, and it would only drive you away. Besides, they say judge not, lest ye be judged.” She laughed suddenly. “I guess me and all our family will be in hell together.”

“I still can’t understand how you can live with that kind of God,” Momomi frowned.

Luigia chuckled. “Condemning my faith is just the same as me condemning your homosexuality. Whether you like it or not, it is a part of me.”

“So you pray for my forgiveness, to your God,” Momomi said. “And I’ll wish to an unkind universe, for your enlightenment.”

“Understood. What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to make sure I can stay here,” Momomi said bluntly. “Because, if I’d stayed home, I’d have come out just like you. But with more self-hate and a twitching sense of guilt. That wouldn’t solve anything.”

“Are you going to talk to father about this?”

“Are you?”

“Only if you want me too.”

Momomi sighed. “I wish I could simply say who I am, because I hate the fact that it’s something I have to hide. But we live in an unfair world. In that world, I need him to support me. Until I am of independent means, he can pretend that I’m normal.”

“I understand.”

“Are you disappointed?”

“Ideology is fine, but we all have to be pragmatic. I do understand that. It’s one of my sins that I find it impossible to respect my father, however hard I try. I don’t blame you at all.”

Momomi nodded. “And can you do me one last favour? The last I’ll ever owe you, if I can help it.”

“Don’t say that,” Luigia said, with a sad smile. “I still want to help you.”

“Serané’s marriage, do what you can, to make sure it doesn’t happen. For me, if not for her.” Momomi glared. “She deserves that much. She deserves her happiness with Kariya, and she still prays to God, even if he might hate her. Serané is probably a better person than I’ll ever be.”

“I’ll see what I can do. But it will be for you, not her. And I’ll pray for her as well.”

“Pray for whoever you like.”

“More importantly, I’m not sure what I can do… father’s as bad as ever. I may be able to sway Araldo’s opinion, though it’s difficult.” Luigia made a face. “I think he’s infatuated with her.”

“That’s a story that won’t ever have a happy ending,” Momomi said flatly. “Remind him of that.”

“Very well.”

Luigia checked her watch and stood. “I should be going. Thank you for this talk, sister.”

Momomi nodded briefly, standing as well. “I’m glad you came. And I’m glad we understand each other now.”

Luigia stepped forwards and hugged her. “I love you, sister. Remember that.”

Momomi returned the hug slowly, her arms stiff. “You shouldn’t be so quick to say and do such embarrassing things, you know.”

“I suppose it might be different for you,” Luigia said, drawing back. “It must be hard.”

“Don’t pretend to understand how I live.”

“Of course not. I’m sorry if I gave that impression.” Luigia nodded and smiled. “Until next time, Momomi.”

“Good-bye.” Momomi watched her turn and walk away, then waited for a few seconds after the door closed. Finally, she relaxed her rigid muscles, falling back onto the bed and releasing her breath in one long sigh, as if she was pouring out the tension running through her body. Her sight blurred slightly as she looked at the ceiling. “Good-bye, sister. I’m sorry it has to be this way.”

She closed her eyes, collecting herself. “Kaname! You don’t have to hide in there any more!”

“If you say so.” Her friend’s voice was surprisingly passive. She walked out of the bathroom and sat on her bed without saying anything else.

“I’m surprised at your tact, actually,” Momomi said, to distract herself from herself as much as anything else. “I thought you’d pitch in freely.”

“This was something to be settled between the two of you. Olesa said that, and for once, she was right.” Kaname looked at the floor, sounding surprisingly depressed.

“I suppose so. Well, it’s over.” Momomi twisted her palms together, no longer constraining herself. “I can’t say this is what I want… but it’s probably the best that things can be.”

“Ah.”

Momomi frowned. “What’s up?”

“I was just… thinking.”

“About what?” Momomi smiled. “After all your talk, you’re the one brooding again. So what’s up?”

“You have a pretty amazing sister.” Kaname looked up and shook her head slightly. “Not what she believes, that’s all pretty stupid, not her opinions or convictions, but… even though you hold these views, you could still talk like that. You still decided to care for each other, even when it would be so natural to hate each other.”

“It’s not ideal,” Momomi said. “Even if we’re putting a brave face on it, it half-feels like I’m losing my last remaining family member.”

“I know that,” Kaname said, sounding slightly annoyed. “But she’s still closer to you right now than I ever was with any of my family members. I guess, in a stupid way, I’m kinda jealous.”

“I’m sorry. I should have remembered.”

“No, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t be deflecting attention from you, when this is your pain and your problem.” She gripped her duvet tightly with both hands. “It’s not like I ever particularly wanted a family. All that would ever do is let me be exploited and hurt, the way you’ve been exploited and hurt, but…”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to apologise.”

Kaname sighed and fell silent.

Momomi lowered her gaze and looked at her hands. “Kaname… would you mind? If I held you for a little bit?”

“I don’t want your pity.”

“It’s for me as much as you. Even if I’m not as fortunate, it hurts. If I can remember that you’ll be there for me, that will help.”

“Then it’s fine.”

Momomi sighed, standing and walking slowly across the room. She sat next to Kaname, then slumped sideways, resting her head on her friend’s shoulder. “Is this alright?”

“It’s fine.” Kaname put an arm round her shoulders, drawing her a little closer. “I guess I need your pity after all.”

“I’d never pity you. You’re too strong.”

Momomi stared at the floor. Kaname was so close, blue hair brushing against her brown, their bodies pressed slightly against each other where they touched. Her arm was strong and warm, her shoulder tightly corded with muscle. Gentle, peaceful breathing moved her chest up and down, shaking Momomi slightly. Their breaths seemed to fill the world. Her fingers twitched slightly as she looked at Kaname’s leg. It was so close, it would be such a simple gesture, such an easy thing, to raise her hand and slide it there. She wondered what Kaname’s leg would feel like, whether she’d be able to trace the contours of the muscles beneath the skirt, imagine the feel of the skin beneath the silk. It would be warm, they could move closer, their whole bodies were so close. Her face, too, was within inches of Momomi, her skin white and smooth, her eyes a mesmerising crimson, her lips small and well formed, a delicate coral-red. To touch that skin, to brush her fingers, her lips against her friend’s face, she felt those images vividly. Momomi’s heart beat fast, and she knew she was trapped, in love or desire or a heady, bewildering mixture of them both. She felt guilty for looking and she was afraid, but still she looked, furtively, out of the corner of her eye, even though unease twisted her stomach and each glance frustrated and pained her. It was a kind of masochism; even though she derived no pleasure from the process, she carried on, somehow compelled to do so. She wasn’t strong enough to resist that. She raised her hand subtly, then checked herself and clasped both her hands in her lap. Her fingers gripped each other so tightly they left angry red marks on her palms.

Are you enjoying this? These dark feelings, spawned by a deceitful embrace, something you made by misapplying her sympathy and your circumstances so freely…taking advantage of the situation and her alike, to hold her like this, and think dark things that would disgust her and turn her from you if only you knew. It’s a horrible thing, and exactly the thing that you promised you would never do. Momomi choked back a sigh. But I can’t resist. Even though I knew I would end up like this, I still did it. I have to take responsibility for that. These feelings are so different, so- strong. I’m no longer the master of my own actions, my own emotions. That’s horrifying, but like this embrace, I can’t bring myself to resist it.

“Shall we go?” Kaname asked, gently disengaging her arm. “We haven’t had breakfast yet, after all.”

“Okay,” Momomi whispered. “Thanks…”

Kaname just walked away, opening the door and waiting while she put her shoes on and followed her.

She kept two paces behind as they walked down the corridor, looking at Kaname’s feet. For some reason, she couldn’t look her friend in the face. Perhaps because of what she’d just done. Perhaps because she was afraid of the expression she might find there. Does she know? Did she suspect what I was thinking and feeling? Did she catch me looking at her? Is she feeling disgusted and afraid now, and remembering that I’m not a natural, normal person that she can touch without a risk? Or is this simply a normal action, where I’m overreacting? How can I know? I can’t ask her. I can’t even face her right now. Momomi bit her lip. This is love, for people like me. It makes me feel dirty and corrupt, it disgusts me to be inside my own skin, because I know that my thoughts and feelings would make her hate me and then I’d hate myself. But all the same, it leads me on, offering the promise of a beautiful rose and comfort and happiness…but when I touch it, I receive nothing but a withered stem, an emptiness, an ashen, hollow feeling, and these regrets. It’s self-destructive, an addiction, something that promises pleasure for the sake of propagating further hurt. This is my love. I guess that’s all that could be expected of someone like me, but still, it’s hard. I know it’s wrong.

But I can’t stop it, and so I’m afraid of myself.