I've been experimenting, especially with Kaname's letters, with stream-of-conciousness writing, throwing up whatever comes into my head and putting awkward pauses where I have them myself. I edited a little more than I'd have liked this chapter, though that's inevitable because it's an important chapter. Now, where was I... I'm rambling myself... forget it. Oh, and I don't have anything against Miator or Lulim. But Momomi does.
“Good luck, Momomi-chan. I believe in you.”
Serané was an Etoile, and more than an Etoile, an old-school aristocrat, a firm believer in manners, propriety and common courtesy as cardinal virtues which informed her every word and action. If there was no politeness in society, there could be no decency. Simple consideration of the feelings of others was the basis of everything, and to be a good person, you had to begin with that. However, she had also learned a few things from Kariya, and the first of them was the fact that sometimes, to achieve something especially good, it was necessary to be a little bad. And what people didn’t know didn’t hurt them. If no one was being hurt, it was fine, after all.
So she closed the door quietly, sat at Kaname’s desk, and carefully opened up the letter, reading it slowly and thoroughly. Then she set it aside and picked the next one out of the bin, and read that as well, her face unreadable. A few minutes later, seven letters were placed in two neat rows and she was flipping open her phone. “Heya, Kari-chan. Are you busy? No, nothing like that… but come to Kenjou-kun’s room. Don’t be so serious…I’ve found some good unintentional comedy, that’s all. Something to share… oh, but of course, this is very important research. If we can understand Kenjou-kun’s thoughts, we’re in a better position to help her, aren’t we? My, you’re being very uncharitable, Kari-chan… see you in a minute, then.”
Serané returned her phone to her pocket and leaned back, smiling. The world was a wonderful place, she reflected. There were interesting things to be found everywhere.
There’s actually a lot to be said for being an early riser Momomi mused. It’s a fairly novel experience, but there’s no godamn whiny students around and there’s nothing that has to be done. It just leaves time to think, and enjoy the surroundings, without worrying whether you’ll walk round a corner and find a couple making out or bump into walking students who’ll noisily chat in your direction out of some perceived obligation. This is how a place like this is intended to be used, when it’s empty and there’s no one but you, walking around with a sense of propriety. I guess this is what a manor’s garden should be like, really. My mother would love a place like this. It’s a lot more natural than the stately garden we have back home. No, that’s right, she came here, didn’t she? It’s her type of place, a complete dreamworld… that’s what Kaname said, of course, but that doesn’t mean she’s wrong. I wonder whether mother ever… how to put it…never mind. That’s not a happy kind of speculation. The school was probably a lot different in those days, because when she was younger it would be impossible to live as we do now. People can talk nostalgically about the past all they like, and say that morals are on the decline, but for a place like Astraea to be possible, somewhere so ridiculously fairy-tale and innocent, but with such depths, I could only call that an improvement.
Somehow I can see her here, walking like this. She’d wear Miator’s uniform, of course, because to someone like her and her parents alike tradition is far more wonderful and important than teaching, aptitude and academia. God, I can so totally imagine her, too, as an obnoxiously enthusiastic room temp, dressing up in an apron and going to help out her beloved senpais… makes me sick to the stomach. Perhaps it’s just because I’m an impetuous child, as my father would put it, but I don’t defer to anyone because they happen to be older than I am. That’s just too stupid. All the same, she’d do that, because she’d think it was cute, and I’m sure she’d worship her senpais quite freely, to their acute embarrassment. And when she grew older, the situation would reverse, and she’d be very kind and interested in her own room helper, and… I don’t know…make pretty things and give flowers and talk to them about stuff, whatever the hell the over-eager senpais do in Miator. She’d have friends, too, a lot of empty-headed vaguely pleasant girls with a lot of casual, unchallenged prejudices. And they’d go for picnics and things like that, and she’d enjoy the outside and the forest and all that stuff, and she’d talk a lot about flowers and point them all out to her friends. She’d be good at art and poetry, and she’d probably join the literature club, and she’d struggle with academic subjects while moaning cutely. I hate to admit it, but I definitely got my intelligence from my father. And so she’s while away the years in idle pleasure, and by the time she’s finished and through she’s had a lot of fun and learned not very much. That happens far too much, even now. Students sent here to go through the motions of learning and waste time. I may hate my father, but my god, did he make sure we were educated. I probably learned more before I was twelve than my mother ever did.
That’s why I made Spica my first choice, I suppose. However you look at it, we’re the most serious of the three. Lulim is just for people here to play around and carry on being children. Miator pretends to be strict and straight-laced, but in reality it’s also about playing around, this time harking after a lost age, from their uniforms to the room temps to their obsession with the past. It’s like dress-up, let’s play aristocrats, pretending that times haven’t changed and that you can get by on being genteel and social. In that respect, it’s a very good preparation for life, because that kind of aristocrat is a dying breed. My father managed to read the writing on the wall. Olesa’s seen it and has set her life to following that changing course, but of course she’s in Spica. In Miator, though, they pretend nothing’s changed, even though some of the players are the new rich who want to pretend they’re the old rich. But with Spica, it’s about results, not how you get them, not how polite you are or whether you hold a fork right. That’s why Kaname’s here, of course, because she’s the ultimate proof of a talent that supersedes personality. That’s why I chose this school, not Miator, even though the Etoiles are from Miator and they subtly showed it when they gave me their tour and their advice. The competition for Etoile is cutthroat, because of that. It’s ridiculous that the Etoile pair has to be from one school, too, but that’s because of that as well, a power struggle. I wonder how many years it will be before people like Kariya and Serané happen to be in different schools, and tear those stupid rules down. I might even get to see that, but it doesn’t seem too likely.
Mother recommended Miator, as well, which is hardly surprising. Another reason for me to go to Spica. Momomi frowned. But when I think about it, she never did talk much about her schooldays here, even when she recommended it to me, even when it was clear I was going. I accepted because it was better than bowing to my father, rather than because she’d made a great case. Why, I wonder? Because she actually had a hard time here? Or because she found it so wonderful here that she can’t bear to talk about now? It’s not like she enjoys the life she has now…and it’s not like I really know her. Is there anything to know? She snorted. Well, it’s anyone’s guess, because I never bothered to find out.
There was a flicker of movement in reaction to the sound, but before that had really registered she’d stepped forwards, clearing the trees and reaching a smooth, grassy bank. Shock quivered through her frame, quickly followed by a bolt of fear.
Kaname stared up at her, crimson eyes wide.
“Hi,” Momomi managed. Shit! Why is she here? Why did I even come here? I’m haven’t planned things out yet…
“Yo,” Kaname said with a forced casualness. She turned her head and looked at the lake again, folding her arms over her legs.
Momomi’s mind had gone blank, which was almost a mercy because she knew the alternative was incoherent panic. “I’m surprised to see you here,” she ventured.
“Oh?” Kaname said, her lips barely forming the syllables.
“Aren’t you normally up at the paddock?” Momomi kicked herself mentally. It had just slipped out, somehow, a half-formed thought that should never have left her head.
“You’re right,” Kaname said rigidly. “I should be going.” She began to stand up-“Running away?”
“Like hell,” Kaname snapped, facing her with blistering eyes.
“Well, it seemed like that,” Momomi said, trying to sound calm. Oh, great. What a start. Insult her then hold her back by baiting her. Can’t I do anything else?
“I thought I’d do you a favour, that’s all. It’s very tactful of me, under the circumstances.”
“My feelings? I’m not the one running away,” Momomi replied. She set her chin. “I didn’t run away yesterday, either.”
“Why, you-”
“Am I wrong?”
“So I knew when to walk away. But you’re the one who-”
“I what?” Momomi demanded.
“Nothing,” Kaname said, folding her arms. “If you don’t know what I mean, then forget it.”
Momomi sat down with her back to a tree, huffing. “If you’re going to say something, say it.”
Kaname glanced at her irritably, then turned and sprawled on the ground, arms still folded. “Be careful about provoking me, I might say what I had intended to.”
Momomi tried to work out what to make of this. If she’s holding something back right now, that’s probably good. I doubt she has anything to say about me that I’d want to hear. “I was surprised, though,” she sniffed, trying to cover for her earlier blunder. “It’s bloody early. Normally you’d still in bed right now, or-” she shut her mouth.
“Or mooning over Amane, as you would put it,” Kaname finished. “But you’re up just as early, and that’s even more unusual. You hog the bed like a pig.”
“That’s pretty hypocritical from the girl I have to wake up two days in three,” Momomi said, folding her own arms and glaring back.
“On the third day, I beat you by an hour or more.”
“Ha. Well, you interrupted my chain of thought,” Momomi said. “It’s very annoying, I’ve completely lost my thread now.”
“Where you been? Sleeping with Olesa?” There was a sour note in Kaname’s voice.
“Shion, actually, she doesn’t have a roommate.” Momomi snorted. “Thanks to you, I had to suffer through a night with the manic stalker senpai. I hope you’re happy.”
“Thanks to me? I didn’t force you to run away from coming back to my room last night.”
“And what would you have done if I had turned up? Shouted at me some more? Hit me? With your violent temper, only an idiot would have come back.”
“Well, I would have slammed the door in your face anyway,” Kaname said. “It’s the best for you.”
“You’d slam the door in my face? I’m sorry, but you’re still the one running away here.”
“That’s what I hate about you,” Kaname said. “You’re always so bloody headstrong. It’s always my fault, my flaw, my mistake. Don’t be so bloody quick to lay the blame.”
“I’m just telling you things how I see them,” Momomi replied. “It’s not my fault if the truth’s unwelcome.”
“The truth of an egoist.”
“So, you’re the one calling me arrogant? That’s not hypocritical at all…”
“This is what I mean. Any fault I see in you is automatically a fault in me.” Kaname gritted her teeth and wrenched her head round to look at the lake again. “That’s just bloody stupid.”
“Well, feel free to disagree with me. I tend to disagree with your assessments, after all.”
“The truth really is unwelcome,” Kaname muttered.
“It’s not about the truth as such,” Momomi said. “But you’re the last person who should be talking about me being headstrong and egotistical.”
“So I’m not perfect! I get that, already, I’m not delusional like you! Dos that mean I’m not allowed to say anything?”
“Well, that’s-”
Kaname’s palm slammed into the ground, her fingers twisting and ripping through a dozen strands of grass. “I’m getting sick of it! Even when I did everything you wanted me to do, even when I apologised for every little thing, I still wasn’t good enough! So just forget it!”
“Kaname…”
“Don’t you dare murmur Kaname,” the blue-haired girl said bitterly. “Messing with my head, every time you say anything, I’m fed up with that as well. I hate it when it’s the real you talking, but it’s better than the alternative.”
“Now, look,” Momomi snapped. She realised she was striking the wrong tone, took a breath, and tried again. “I know you’re not perfect, but that doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, as you put it. I’m not an idiot.”
“It gets hard to tell, especially when you’re picking at every little bit of my personality!”
“You mean you don’t?” Momomi snorted. “If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t say those things in the first place.”
“I’m not the one who projects all the faults onto someone else,” Kaname snapped. “That’s like the opposite of being able to take criticism.”
“Well, you’re the one throwing up your hands petulantly and putting words in my mouth. You just insult people to prop up your oh-so-fragile ego, which is seriously immature.”
“You’re the one with insecurities, that’s why you hide yourself behind that damn mask of yours,” Kaname returned. “But it’s only a mask. You were crying yesterday, and I know it.”
Momomi blushed and scowled. “So what if I was? I hope you feel very proud of yourself.”
“Don’t give me that crap, I had plenty of it from Kariya,” Kaname said. “You’re no kind of victim. You tell me, though. Were you crying because my words were too close to the truth? Or were you just faking it to gain sympathy from everyone else? That’d be consistent with your character, to manipulate the situation like that-”
“Shut up! It was nothing like that!”
“Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it?” Kaname demanded. “That’s how you use people! Like all those sweet words about how much you love Astraea, it’s all nonsense…”
“Yesterday was different,” Momomi said, breath ragged. “I wasn’t faking anything!”
Kaname snorted. “You don’t have to deny it.”
“You think so?”
“Of course! But it’s like you! You’re so weak you can’t deal with people, so you use them instead, or else you make weakness a way to use them. That’s what you’re like-”
Momomi threw herself up and at the taller girl, eyes wild. “Don’t you dare say that! You cold bitch! I was hurt, I was hurt so badly, I was really crying, and you’re just so irresponsible that you ignore that! What the hell do you know about me? What the hell do you know about anything?”
She’d grabbed Kaname with the vague intention of throttling her to death, but the girl was far too slippery, knocking her off with a single blow. She fell forwards, managing to catch Kaname’s shoulders, and shook her in frustration before she could turn around. “You’re just a dumb, stupid, idiotic, muscle-headed insensitive little-” she broke off, wiping her eyes, but a teardrop had already hit Kaname’s shoulder. “I hate you,” she said, sniffing.
Kaname touched the drop in something approaching disbelief. “You’re really crying,” she said, stupefied.
“I’m really crying,” Momomi said. “I hate that, your surprise… have you any idea what it feels like? When you make it so I can’t do anything or say anything or feel anything sincere at all, that there’s nothing I can do that you’ll trust or believe on, when everything I do is pointless because you’ll never recognise it for what it is! I hate it! Can’t I feel this? Can’t I feel pain? Or am I manipulating you again?”
Kaname turned and threw her arms round Momomi’s neck. “Don’t cry,” she instructed, eyes still wide open. “You’re not allowed to cry.” But her voice was a little softer than it had been before.
“I hate you,” Momomi repeated. “Because you make me like this…” She tried to find words. “So don’t think I’m invincible. You got hurt because I say things… so don’t be stupid enough to think I’m any different…. I’m not omniscient, Kaname, I’m just a stupid girl…”
Kaname tilted her, laying her down on the bank next to her. “I’m sorry,” she muttered.
“Huh?” Momomi opened her eyes, looking at her friend in disbelief.
“I said I’m sorry!” Kaname snapped. “I guess it was stupid of me to think that a girl like you could be as good as she says she is at using people…”
“And I was stupid to believe in you,” Momomi said, leaning her head on Kaname’s shoulder. “You said no words could ever hurt you.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Momomi whispered after a while.
“What?” Kaname asked, puzzled.
“I wasn’t supposed to shout or cry… I was going to think it through, I’d have it all planned out. And then I’d just tell you. It wasn’t supposed to be so… hard.”
Kaname managed a weak chuckle. “That’s manipulative, isn’t it?”
“Serané told me something,” Momomi said. “She said that people manipulate others all the time… whenever we say or do anything to make them feel different, that’s manipulation of a kind. But that doesn’t make it bad.”
“Perhaps. But it’s very you to think you can plan everything out as if it’ll go perfectly in real life.” Kaname sighed. “Things aren’t that convenient.”
“I wasn’t even supposed to meet you this morning,” Momomi said. “So I’ve noticed.” She wiped her eyes again. “But I won’t cry any longer. I never intended to cry. I won’t be that weak.”
“They say tears are a woman’s weapons,” Kaname said quietly. “Fitting for you.”
“Well, you just screw around hitting people and pretending you’re a man,” Momomi replied. She should probably move away from Kaname about now, but she was damned if she could find the energy. Well, she can support me. She deserves to have to do that.
“It works, though. I feel kinda bad.”
“So you finally realised what you made me feel like? If it took you this long, that’s even worse…”
“Well, I felt like shit as well, standing there in the rain on the off-chance that you might remember,” Kaname said. “And everything else. Not knowing what I am to you. Not knowing whether I’m anything but a tool. Just waiting and waiting and waiting and afraid because if I ask you’ll have to answer and I don’t know what the answer’s going to be… that’s not funny at all.”
“You really worried about that?” Momomi asked.
“Well, that just makes you the same as me,” Kaname said evasively. “We overestimated each other.”
“No, you’re just being stupid,” Momomi said. “Whenever you said it… it was true.”
“True?”
“Kaname is the person I can’t manipulate, not that easily… maybe the little things, perhaps to get a rise out of her, because she’s a little insecure and with a lot of bluster… but I could never use her for the big things. Not because she’s smart, though she is smart… Kaname’s my friend. That’s why…”
“Friend? As if someone like you could have a friend,” Kaname said. But it was more a feeble defence than a crushing jab.
Momomi smiled weakly. “I wanted to be that strong… you wanted to be that strong… but I’m not someone who can do that. I don’t know Kaname’s feelings, but you’re my friend. I saw you as that for a long time.”
“Then couldn’t you have said that or something?” Kaname said, not meeting her eyes. “You’ve no idea how much I fretted and worried, you know, because you never bothered to tell me! It was really annoying!”
Momomi giggled weakly. “Well, Kaname only ever said that she was my enemy… even if I said so, I thought you’d correct me, and that’d just crush my hope.”
“You’re making me the bad guy again,” Kaname muttered, rolling her eyes.
“Well, that is just an excuse,” Momomi said. “I was too proud to ever say something like that. I thought you just knew. But I’m not comfortable with affection and analysis and things… I just like things to be unspoken.”
“That sounds fine, but it got impossible for me. You should consider other people’s feelings.”
“Why didn’t you ask, then?”
“I was going to! I spent a whole day working up my courage, too! But you came late and badly, so I was sick of the whole thing by the time you got there.”
“I know,” Momomi said. “That was cruel. But…”
“But?”
She tried to find her own courage. “But I was scared too. You were so ambiguous, Kaname, it could have been something really terrible! So I guess I was just using Olesa as an excuse to run away.”
Kaname sighed. “I hate it when people wrap things up so neatly. It sounds like an excuse in itself, life’s more complex than that.”
“Well, I’ve never really understood myself, either. That’s another problem.”
There was a silence for a few moments. But it was a little less tense than before. “The lake’s really pretty,” Momomi said.
“Yeah,” Kaname said. But she was looking up at the sky.
Momomi took a breath. “And I’m sorry for what I said. About you and Amane.”
“Oh, that.” Kaname laughed uneasily. “I don’t care about that…”
“No, it was a stupid thing for me to say,” Momomi said, twisting her hands together awkwardly. “Olesa… she said she was the same as you, only her rival was me. So, I… I guess I mocked you both because it was the contemptuous, cool thing to do, not because I really believed what I said. In the end, I wasn’t taking either of you seriously, when you both deserve it.”
“Well, Olesa somewhat less,” Kaname said, smiling uncertainly.
“So I do support you when you fight Amane,” Momomi said, ignoring the quip. “Because, I suppose… even though you really aren’t perfect… you deserve victory more than Amane. And I believe in you, I’m sure you’ll win someday.”
“I don’t know,” Kaname said. “I may have been taking myself too seriously, after all.”
Momomi smiled at the concession. “I don’t know, but it’s fine. Kaname is like that.”
“Stop referring to me in the third person. It’s creepy.”
Momomi giggled.
“And I didn’t mean what I said.” Kaname was still looking at the sky, but she was blushing slightly. “Back then, I was angry and upset and I said a lot of stupid things. I didn’t mean them.”
“I’m the same. I don’t think either of us should have to apologise for that. It’s just human nature.”
“Really?” Kaname shrugged. “Suits me just fine. Was there anything else? Feels like I’m going down a mental checklist… bugger it. Whatever I’ve done wrong, I’m sorry, okay? If you’re the same.”
“I’m the same,” Momomi said. “And we won’t argue over who has more to apologise for.”
“Right. We both know it’s you, after all.”
Momomi giggled again, prodding Kaname’s neck and laughing when she went ow. “Just keep telling yourself that.”
“Oh, yeah,” Kaname said, as if remembering something. “You have a really annoying giggle. It’s very girly, and it makes me feel like I’m being mocked.”
“That’s because I am mocking you,” Momomi said innocently. She relaxed and leaned back, looking up at the sky next to Kaname. Unlike yesterday, it was clear and cloudless, fresh and cool.
“Well, it’s fine. I have to tolerate worse eccentricities from you.”
“Likewise.”
“But you know, it’s very annoying,” Kaname said. “Thanks to you I had to listen to a seriously boring lecture from Kariya.”
“You think that’s bad?” Momomi asked. “I was treated to half an hour tête-à-tête with Serané, then Kariya said something vaguely encouraging and I spent the rest of the evening with Shion saying the same damn things. Oh, and even Olesa and Amiki saw fit to give me advice in their own weird way.”
“They’re all such idiots. Wasting their breath.”
“Absolutely,” Momomi agreed. “The way they built everything up, this has been almost anticlimactic. Well, apart from the bit where I burst into tears.”
“Yeah, I think I know what you mean,” Kaname said.
“Well, it’s better this way. We know we’re both sincere now. I am, Kaname, so remember it. I only have one friend, so it’s kinda important that I don’t screw her around. Well, apart from the little things.”
“You and your damn, blasted little things,” Kaname muttered.
Momomi smiled. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“What are you talking about?”
Momomi leaned back and turned her head to face her friend, raising her finger to poke her again. “There’s something important you need to say, Ka-na-me,” she said, emphasising each syllable with a prod.
“Alright, alright. I get it.” Kaname blushed; eyes still firmly locked on the sky. “You’re my friend too. Not my enemy.”
“What’s that? You said it so quietly, I didn’t catch all of it…”
“I said you’re my friend, you over-dramatic, egocentric maniac! Okay? Happy now?”
Momomi laughed out loud, long and hard, her shoulders shaking as she felt all her pent up tension wash out of her, taking away pain and uncertainty and doubt and all those troublesome things. “My, my,” she managed when she could speak again. “I should have recorded that. It’ll be a long, long time before you’ll say anything like that again, right?”
“After that reaction? Believe it,” Kaname said, looking annoyed. “I try this sincerity thing and all you do is mock me!”
“Well, I’m sorry, but it really doesn’t suit you. It’s just too funny. But I’m sure I could get used to it if you gave me enough time.”
“Well, I’m not exactly that way inclined.”
“Kaname, you’re so mean,” Momomi chided, taking hold of her arm again. “It’s very upsetting for a poor girl like me.”
“Tread carefully, my goodwill is a finite resource, and you’re burning through it pretty fast,” Kaname warned.
“Such a shame. Can’t you at least look at me? Those clouds don’t look very exciting to me.”
“Well, I’m rather conscious of what we’d look like if anyone stumbled on us like that,” Kaname said. “I don’t want any more misunderstandings.”
“Well, if I was to hazard a guess, everyone probably thinks we’re a couple anyway. That would make our argument a lover’s tiff.”
“We’ll just have to correct that mistake,” Kaname growled. “This is why I hate people, though. They come to idiot assumptions far too easily.”
“You’re right,” Momomi said thoughtfully. Now, of course, she could remember that other uncertainty of hers. If Kaname wasn’t confessing to me, then why did I think she might be? Because it was likely, or because… well, it has to be a matter of the environment. Everyone’s thinking we’re involved so much it’s starting to warp my expectations. Something like that. But it’s hardly important. Certainly too embarrassing to mention to Kaname, as well.
“Oh, and I’ll keep helping you,” Kaname said obliviously. “With your parents and with the tests, okay?”
“Sure,” Momomi replied. “And I’ll keep mothering you like I always do.”
“Whatever. I‘ll be the father figure, beating up anyone who threatens you.”
“Isn’t that what boyfriends do?” Momomi said, raising her eyebrows.
“Older brothers at best,” Kaname replied dismissively. “Don’t get too excited.”
“Yes, yes.”
“In any case, you’d never pass those tests without me. There’s no doubt about that. So it’s not like I have a choice.”
“You’re probably right,” Momomi said diplomatically. “I do need you for that kind of thing.”
“Oh, yeah,” Kaname said, as if she’d just remembered something. “I had this letter… well, it’s a bit late, and all, I guess… but… seems a shame to waste it, you know?” She reached a hand into her blazer pocket and pulled out a crumpled envelope. “Here. Because I spent a long time on this, you know. It’d be stupid to just let it rot. You’d better appreciate the effort I put into it, though.”
“Yes, yes,” Momomi said, taking the somewhat squished letter and opening the envelope dextrously. “You know, you shouldn’t keep things like this in your blazer pockets. Get a folder and put it in your bag there, already.”
“I don’t even have my bag on me. Neither do you, actually.”
“Yes, well, this would be a bigger problem if it was to someone important,” Momomi said. “They’d mistake it for waste paper and pulp it.”
“So normal people have that kind of apparatus on hand now?”
“I wouldn’t put it past Serané, at least,” Momomi speculated. “I’m sure she’s fond of trees, even if she finds hippies distasteful.”
“You’re right,” Kaname said. “She sounds the type.”
Momomi picked up the letter and read the first few lines. “Momomi. I’m writing to you because… I’m not sure, actually. I guess that’s it. I’m not sure about anything. That’s something that started a long time ago, because Olesa said you’d use me, and I’d ignore that, but it’s nothing I find inconceivable…” She smiled at the disjointed prose. She didn’t smart at the lack of trust any more, the sincere worry and insecurity was too touching. It was almost cute. She read the rest of the letter in silence, feeling a stirring melancholy that was really quite moving. Even if it bordered on incoherence at times, even if it was rambling and whimsical and dramatic, there was a lot in it. It was very Kaname. “I’m touched,” she commented, moving onto the final paragraph. “Is that the word?”
“But, I don’t know…it was fun. Everything. Even when we were just arguing like little kids, that was fun, and you cut me and I cut you and we both pretended we were unhurt and sometimes we even believed in that lie… it was tough but I enjoyed that. I think I need someone by my to hurt me from time to time, or I’d be a worse person. And I’m sure you’re the same, whether you’d admit it or not. And when we were together in the canteen, eating breakfast or lunch, playing with our food and talking about little things, doing our homework, complaining about anything, planning our campaign, preparing for the future, everything, the little things that’s common to everyone and the big things that are unique to us, they’re all important to me. That’s why I wrote this letter, I think, and it’s why I went so far before. It matters, and because it matters, I was hurt, and I haven’t been hurt in a long time because nothing in this school matters. Until you came, I wasn’t sure why I was in Astraea, I wasn’t exactly sure why I was alive. You gave me some kind of reason, and that’s why… if it’s a false one, that will be way too hard for me to accept. But I definitely need to know. My sincerity. Your feelings. They’re important, like I said. I’m rambling. Well, I guess the thing is that I really do want you as my friend, but while that gives me a reason to ask and hope for a yes it also makes me afraid. If I can’t find the courage to ask, and you don’t say anything, maybe this will hope. Because I’m hoping that you’re the same. I’m hoping it’s important to you too.”
Momomi dropped the letter and rubbed her eyes.
“Hey, don’t look like that,” Kaname said, snatching the paper away. “You’re making me feel bad again.”
“I’m definitely not crying,” Momomi said. “I promised us both that I’ve done crying for the day. So don’t worry.”
“Yeah, right,” Kaname said, clutching the letter uncertainly. She gave her friend a half-pleading, half-embarrassed look.
“It was beautiful,” Momomi assured her, smiling brilliantly.
“Okay, there’s no way you’d be able to fake that,” Kaname muttered, turning away in embarrassment.
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