“So, here we are.” Shion sat on her bed. “What do you think?”
“It’s very neat.” Momomi looked around. “I suppose that’s what I expected from you, though. You have that kind of personality.”
“Really?”
“Definitely.” Momomi scrutinised the room more closely. From the books stacked neatly on shelves to the ordered writing desk to the laptop placed neatly next to the wall’s power socket, it all spoke of a studious and hard-working student. “Lacks personality, though.”
“You don’t mince your words, do you?” Shion said. “Well, I’ve always been that way. I don’t suppose I’m particularly remarkable.”
Momomi stood and walked over to the laptop, opening it up and pressing the on button.
“Hey! What are you doing?” Shion stood, plainly agitated. “Don’t just go looking at that without a word!”
“You’re definitely hiding something interesting,” Momomi said, sitting down. “I’m going to find it, you see.”
“I said don’t touch that,” Shion said, reaching over and trying unsuccessfully to restrain the younger girl. “Respect my privacy!”
“Hmm, now you have me really interested,” Momomi teased. “Does Shion-senpai have a lot of dirty files on her computer, I wonder?” She clicked on Shion’s account, smiling. “Really, I know XP defaults to passwords off, but you shouldn’t be so careless.”
“I don’t have anything pornographic on there, no,” Shion said, ignoring this. “But all the same, I would like you to stop, already! It’s not polite!”
Momomi stared at the background. “Huh? What’s this?”
Shion just sighed in exasperation.
Momomi clicked on “My Computer” then hovered over the main hard drive, smiling. “My, my, only a few gigabytes of space left on such a large hard drive. What are you hiding, Shion-senpai?”
“Stop it, already!”
“My Documents… well, what do we have here… downloads? Now let’s see what’s in here… a whole lot of video files, I see. Well, isn’t this interesting?”
“Stop it, already!” Shion said, blushing.
“Oh, you’re going all red, I see,” Momomi said. “I wonder.” She double-clicked on the closest file, then clicked forwards to a random moment and frowned again.
"Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity, nothing exceeds the criticisms made of the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed…"
“What the hell’s this? A social documentary? And in English, too.”
“Well, it looks like I’ve been found out,” Shion sighed, taking over and clicking back to the start. “This is a police drama in English. Criminal Minds. I’m also watching Without a Trace, The Closer and several others right now as they come out, as well as downloading past series. It’s my hobby. It keeps my English fluent and they’re mildly diverting.”
“You watch foreign police dramas for your hobby?” Momomi asked. “What’s wrong with Japanese ones?”
“Everyone knows that things that come from far away are better, right?” Shion grinned with an uncharacteristic enthusiasm. “It’s a little silly, I know, but I enjoy them. Besides, they’re rooted in a culture far different from our own.”
“Somehow I don’t think you’re getting the world’s most accurate picture of their culture,” Momomi said.
“Well, of course. But it’s better than nothing, right?”
“So that was what was with the desktop, too,” Momomi said. “I knew you had to have at least one weird hobby, everyone has one. Is this legal, though?”
“It’s… legally ambiguous,” Shion said evasively.
“Well, never mind. Far be it from me to chide an honour student.” Momomi clicked back and was about to relinquish control of the computer when she spotted another folder, this one simply marked “Files”. She double-clicked it.
“Don’t look at that one!”
“What now…” Momomi frowned, her face changing abruptly as she saw the list of word documents, neatly listed in alphabetical order. The first think that caught her eye was Phareli/Kiyashiki, Momomi. Perez, Olesa preceded it, and there were plenty of other names, too. She scanned the list arbitrarily, picking out a lot of names that meant something to her and a few that did not. Kenjou, Kaname. Rivera, Alicia/Amiki. Deralna, Serané. Nakano, Kariya. Ohtori, Amane. Nii, Namiko. Koga, Chisaki. Hanazono, Shizuma. Kai, Touko. “What the hell is this? It looks like half the school is here!”
“I’ve got less than a hundred names,” Shion said. “Only the ones of especial interest get a file.”
“Should I be flattered or queasy?” Momomi clicked on her own name, reading aloud. “Phareli Momomi, adoptive surname Kiyashiki, from her mother. Born 12th April 1991. Blood Type AB. Height… what the hell is this?”
Shion took the laptop from her, closing the lid. “At this point, I’ll have to stop you. Not for myself. But there are a lot of secrets recorded on those files, and I don’t intend to cause any distress to others by revealing them to you.”
Momomi stared at her. “You really are a stalker!”
“That’s such an unflattering term,” Shion said, smiling thinly. “Half of this information can be gathered by a simple google search, you know, many of my subjects are famous enough. As for the rest... we live in an information age. I’m just keeping my weapons close to hand, that’s all.”
Momomi stared at her senpai with a mix of awe and dismay. “Now, that can’t be legal.”
“It’s legally ambiguous, again. Make of it what you will.”
“Can I at least see my own file? I want to make sure there’s nothing dirty on there!”
“You know your own life, don’t you?”
Momomi looked up curiously. “How about other people? The Etoiles? Their files were the biggest.”
“No is no,” Shion said, working rapidly with the computer. “Many people have secrets in this world, Momomi-chan.”
“Well, plainly not, you know them all,” Momomi grumbled. She watched Shion’s actions surruptitiously.
“I’ve become accustomed to playing the role of secret keeper,” Shion said, pressing enter. “Well, I’ve placed a password on that folder, and I’ll put one on my account, as well. If nothing else, you’ve motivated me to improve my security.”
“Well, whatever,” Momomi said. “If it makes you happy.”
“Quite. Well, no hard feelings,” Shion said, smiling and touching her shoulder. “You get off better than some people. I’ll delete your file, if you like.” She did so, though Momomi knew that she’d only sent it to the recycle bin. She felt, with a certainty, that Shion would restore it later, and even if she didn’t, she’d rewrite it.
“I could report you to the Etoiles, you know,” she ventured.
“Oh, they know all about my archives,” Shion said sweetly. “I told them all about it and they never pressed me on the issue.”
“I… see.” Momomi wondered what kind of dirt Shion had on them.
“I can tell you some interesting things that aren’t compromising, though,” Shion said, leading her back to her new bed and sitting her down. “Well, compromising in the sense of embarrassment only. Serané-sama enjoys reading shoujo manga and girls love works, much to Kariya-sama’s distaste. Kariya-sama herself is a sixth-Dan practitioner of kendo and keeps a fully sized, authentic handmade Nihonto katana and wakizashi daishō in her room. However, she also enjoys watching chick-flicks with Serané-sama, which would probably compromise her samurai act if it was generally known. Perez-san spends her spare time studying the stock market, perfecting her command of Japanese and playing Starcraft online. Rivera-san is frequently her teammate. I watch western police dramas, as you know. Rokujō-san is, of course, one of the two wealthiest aristocrats in the school, along with her contemporary Hanazono-san. However, despite her infamous ability with numbers she spends more of her spare time in creative writing. No one is completely what they portray to the school as a whole, you see.”
“How do you find this stuff out?” Momomi asked, shaking her head.
“For the most part? I ask. If you’re polite enough and sound interested enough you can learn a lot about a person’s interests from what they say. Often far too much. But I do have an interest in these things.”
“How about Amane?” Momomi said, intrigued despite herself.
Shion shrugged and smiled, sitting opposite her. “I’m afraid Ohtori-san is everything she appears to be, as far as I can tell. Her life is horse racing. But I always like to imagine that she spends her time writing boy-on-boy fanfiction.”
Momomi laughed. “Boy-on-boy? In this school? Now that is unlikely. Girl-on-girl, I can see. I wouldn’t put it past her.”
“She does seem the type, now doesn’t she?” Shion said, smiling.
Momomi lay back on her bed, looking at the ceiling and wondering-
“But you know, I’m being a little selfish,” Shion said, leaning forwards. “I’m somewhat glad that you’re here. I haven’t had a room-mate for months and months, ever since Isae-chan left.”
“Isae-chan?” Momomi said, turning her head to look at her senpai. There was a surprising wistfulness in that tone.
“That’s right,” Shion said. “My old roommate. We were best friends back in our first year here. I suppose it’s inevitable, of course, when you have to sleep in the same room as someone. But she was a very sweet girl. She cried on her first night because she missed her family, and though she’s hardly the first to do that, it was very memorable for me. After that, we just came to talk about things, and ate lunch together, and worked on our homework together. It was nice, you know?”
“Yeah,” Momomi muttered. “I think I know what you mean.”
Shion appeared too lost in reminiscence to notice her kohai’s discomfort. “We were actually pretty far apart in terms of personality and things. Once Isae had got over her homesickness, she was a very social girl, where I’ve always preferred to watch from the sidelines. She tended to drag me into things a lot. And she was terrible academically, so I always had to teach her how to do things, but she was very good at sports which was always rather embarrassing. Spica is the academy of sporting excellence, among other things, but I can’t say I’ve ever made the effort.”
“It’s hard to believe that you two were friends,” Momomi said, more to say something than for its worth as an observation.
“You’re right,” Shion mused, “but I suppose it was precisely because we were so different that we became friends. It was… interesting.”
“Why did she leave?”
“Well, she didn’t want to,” Shion said. “But her parents were moving oversees because her father had been transferred, and so they wanted to take her with them. She wanted to stay here, but they overruled her, and so she left. We still write but it’s not the same.” She sighed. “And ever since then I’ve been alone in here. Well, I guess I’m done moping now. Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine. I’m interested to learn things about you, Shion-senpai.”
“Well, none of that is information that can be used against me,” Shion teased. “This is just a curiosity of my past, that’s all.”
“And when did you start to assemble those files?” Momomi probed.
“After she left. You’re right, Kiyashiki-san, I do have too much free time on my hands, but I have to keep busy. There’s no point in sulking and doing nothing.”
“I suppose so. But don’t you have other friends?”
“Not really. Like I said, I’m not a naturally social personality. I prefer keeping a little distance between myself and other people. Well, I’m sure you’ll be able to sympathise with that.”
“You’re right. It’s not like I’m any different. But-”
“But?” Shion queried.
“It’s a shame. Someone like you should be popular, I think. But I guess if you were, you wouldn’t have any time to hang around with your juniors.”
“Well, quite. I prefer being useful to being popular, myself. It’s a role I’m happy with. But I have a special reason to take an interest in you, Kiyashiki-san.”
“Because I’m beautiful and smart, right? I can help you win your crusade for Spica, or whatever.”
“That’s true enough, but not what I meant,” Shion said, shaking her finger. “But for you who is fighting her parents to stay at this school, I’m committed to help, because it’s an emotive cause for me. I wouldn’t like to see you have to leave here against your will, leaving Kenjou-kun behind.”
“Yeah, right,” Momomi said, looking down. “She doesn’t care whether I stay or go.”
Shion sighed audibly. “That is possible, but I really don’t think so. You shouldn’t be so discouraged, Kiyashiki-san. I’ve seen friendships recover from worse than this.”
“Oh, yeah? Such as?”
“The Etoiles, for a start,” Shion said. “Even in my personal memory they’ve had blazing rows. Of course, any row with Serané-sama in it is going to be a genteel row, but they blaze away all the same.”
“The Etoiles are the Etoiles, though.” Momomi picked at the bedcovers. “They’re lovers and they fit each other so well, it’s like… they’re not balanced, without each other, or something like that. Two very different personalities, but between them they make one normal person.”
“I know the feeling. Though I’d call the normal person a genius. But even they started as two souls apart, Kiyashiki-san. No one comes into this world with their partner, they have to go through the inconvenience of finding them first.”
“That still doesn’t apply to me. Even if I still want to be Kaname’s friend, that doesn’t mean she wants me to be her friend. I can tell that much. She thinks I was using her, and she wasn’t all wrong, either.”
“I’m not as complex and understanding as Serané-sama,” Shion said, tilting Momomi’s chin up and meeting her eyes. “I’m certainly not as experienced, either. But I know what it means to lose a best friend, Kiyashiki-san. I don’t recommend the experience.”
“I know, already,” Momomi said, turning away. “But that doesn’t mean I know what to do.”
“I’m sure you’ll find the way,” Shion said. “Because I believe that she’s thinking the same things.”
“I wish I could believe that.”
Kaname turned, crossing her hands again, this time at chest height. Her right hand cut out again, this time with a palm strike. An imaginary opponent staggered back, winded badly. This is strength. The ability to fight, with and without weapons, that’s the most fundamental aspect of mankind. It’s one that’s been lost in so many places, thanks to that beautiful illusion called civilisation. But it was alive in my father and my home and my life, and it’s alive in me. The ability to hurt someone more than they hurt you, exerting yourself over them, regardless of the injury they inflict on you. She brought her hands up to head height, snapping her left arm forwards then pulling it back just as fast. She followed this by sweeping her hands down low, fingers first, in a spearhand strike. But what is it for? Strength? There was my father, who lived by it, selling himself to bully others because he had power and they did not, and he died by that. Then you can use to gratify yourself, to prop up a pathetic, pointless pride and dignity by hurting others and throwing yourself around until there’s nothing left of you. I never did that, but I’ve come close, I’ve come far too close for my liking. Too many times, physical harm is the only way I’ve been able to touch those above me. It’s a foolish use of power, though, to stake your whole pride on something as barbaric as that. Now her hands revolved her body rapidly, alternating high and low strikes in quick succession. She finished by punching low and spinning her fists up and outwards, crossing over each other, one raised, one at waist height. I used to think that there was nothing but that. After all, force is a vulgar thing and I’ve seen it used so much for the worst parts of mankind. We’ve created a world in which violence is always a negative, for better or for worse. I’ve never known quite what to make of that.
Kaname kicked, her leg snapping up to waist height. She remained in that position for a few moments, testing her strength and balance, before she slammed it down and brought both her hands up in the Te-gatana position. She swept forwards, completing a circle, paused for a second, then turned deftly and slashed down the other way, fingers first. I’ve been fighting in the same old ways for months and months, fighting Amiki because she tormented me and even attacking Olesa because I knew she was the one behind it all. But even though I won those fights, there was something more painful than my mere injuries every time. I knew, they knew, that it was just petulance, a poor second that just showed I couldn’t deal with their main line of attack. And to her credit, not even Olesa has ever feared me for that. She crossed her arms then retracted them, holding them both at shoulder height, her fingers curled into fists. They were raised over her head and crossed again, then she delicately lifted her right leg, sliding it behind her left and lowering her hands to help her balance. She maintained that position for several seconds. But there was one time when it didn’t feel like that, when it didn’t feel like defeat. When I protected Momomi. It felt so good at the time, but of course it would do. I won’t let anyone hurt her. I’ll be the injured one instead, I’ll do that if it will ease her pain, because she’s mine to protect. And for that, I’ll give anything. Those sweet lies have haunted mankind for generations. But in the end, it’s just self-gratification.
Kaname struck forwards with both fists rather more vigorously than necessary, imagining a certain baby-faced brunette. But she’s not afraid of being hurt, either. That would only show that she’s got to me. She peeled her hands apart, her left pulling back the waist while the right chopped forwards again. That hand dropped to her side then lashed up and out in a two-fingered strike. She alternated the move, attacking in the same way with her other hand, then punched forwards with both fists apart. To protect her from harm, that was something I enjoyed. And I hated Amiki, not just for myself, but because she had hurt Momomi. I said it was because of my hate for the other two. I was lying, though. I was avenging Momomi and even though it would trouble us both, even though I was being hurt and badly, I felt good at the time. She spread her legs and arms, stepping forwards and punching again. Her right hand flipped back, covering her body, while the left moved behind it, covering her chest. She chopped forwards with her right hand once more before curling it into a fist and meeting her left hand at arm’s length. I even apologised to her later for doing that, because I was a good little tool and I was worried, worried, that I was troubling her plans. Things were a lot simpler than. I could accept everything she said on faith and I thought I was helping her out of my own free will. I never thought that she might be making my mind up for me, with her words and actions, and so I could believe in her, believe in myself. That’s gone now. Probably for good.
She changed positions, covering her body with her left hand then performing a Te-gatana strike with it. Her hands met in front of her as fists again, completing the mirror. Before, I had a sense of purpose, but now it’s gone again, blown away. I suppose that’s inevitable when you do something so stupid as to put your faith and strength into someone else’s dreams. I won’t make that mistake again. I can find a new reason, and when I have that, there won’t be any reason to go back. She raised her fists to her mouth, breathing out, then dropped her hands to her sides, completing the kata. It’s parasitic to grab onto someone else’s intentions and say that they’re your own, that you’ll fight for them with all your strength. It’s just like Amiki, a stupid dependency, a complete debasing loyalty where you’ve given over yourself as a person to someone else. And then they can’t see you as anything but a slave, and it gets harder and harder to blame them. I have my own dreams. I got to this school with my own will, my own strength and my own determination to escape the fate that life had thrust upon me. I’m not someone who has to sacrifice myself to another as if it’s the only thing I have the wit and ability to do.She bit her lip and adopted the first position again, intending to work out her rising frustration. But I have to ask myself, don’t I? What happened, Kaname? What happened to that Kaname, the one who had dreams and a will to realise them? What would she think about the girl who spends her life vegetating in her room, without a desire in her head? Sometimes I wonder whether I really have been broken by all those snide little catholic schoolgirls and their snide little looks and gossip and glances. Momomi… Momomi brought the fire back. It sickens me, but the more I think, the more I realise the extend of my dependence. And like any addictive habit, it’s not something I notice until it’s been taken away from me. Pathetic. Kaname stopped in mid-punch and sighed. Looks like this hasn’t helped any. Excessive thinking is going to kill me, at this rate. Kaname decided to take a shower. Then she would dry herself off, and then she would go to bed. In the morning, she could do things. Right now, she just wanted to stop these lonely thoughts that were piling up, one on top of the other. At this rate she’d bash herself into unconsciousness just to gain some precious respite.
“Is it okay?” Momomi asked nervously.
“We’re both girls here,” Shion said, lying back on her bed. She appeared to consider this sentence for a moment. “Okay, I appreciate that doesn’t mean anything in this school. But don’t worry, the evil upperclassman won’t molest you. If she was going to molest anyone, it would be someone with a cuter personality.”
“Jeez,” Momomi said, walking out of the bathroom and crawling under the covers of her bed. “I don’t want to hear things like that from a stalker.”
“Isn’t a stalker in the best position to comment about comparative points like that?” Shion asked, kicking her legs lazily.
“How about you,” Momomi mumbled, ignoring this. “Do you like girls, the same as the Etoiles and so on?”
“My, my,” Shion said, eyes amused. “Kiyashiki-chan is so forwards. Are you that interested in me?”
“I’m just curious,” Momomi said. “Though I assume that reply means yes.”
“Not necessarily,” Shion said. “Actually, I don’t intend to give you a straight answer. I prefer leaving you to wonder. I like being the one who knows things about others, after all. But I’m not disgusted by either option, that much I will say, unlike my parents who would probably commit seppuku before recognising a lesbian relationship. Well, my father, anyway. My mother would just wring her hands a lot.”
“I hate people like that, who are so selfish and troublesome,” Momomi muttered. “They pass judgement on others because it pleases their sense of tradition and try to control them, or failing that, turn them away in any way they can. My father’s just the same. Which is hypocritical of a serial adulterer.”
“Everyone needs someone to look down on,” Shion said simply.
“I know that. But to look down on something as simple as someone’s sexuality, it’s way too stupid. It’s like hating the poor for being poor. It isn’t something that can be helped.”
Shion closed her eyes, smiling. “Is that the voice of experience, Kiyashiki-san?”
“What do you mean?” Momomi shifted uncomfortably.
“You asked me about my sexual orientation, right? Isn’t it fair that I get to at least pose the question in return?”
“You didn’t answer,” Momomi said evasively.
“You don’t have to answer either,” Shion said. “I’m just asking, that’s all.”
“I… call me a traditionalist, but I don’t like talking about that sort of thing.”
Shion laughed softly. “Kiyashiki-san, you raised the subject. That excuse won’t cut it.”
Momomi found herself blushing, which was an irrational reaction. Why am I remembering all those weird thoughts I had back then? It’s one thing to imagine things in that abstract, but when you start thinking about real people in that way without a good reason… but I had a good reason, damnit! With a set-up like that, it could easily have been something so weird! But isn’t the issue the fact that even now I’m not sure what my reply would be? That certainly has to be called the weird thing here…goddamnit, why did I even raise this? It’s too stupid, it’s not like I care whether Shion’s gay or not. It has to be something in the air, or the environment, it makes you ask things like that and think things like that.
“I guess you aren’t quite ready to be confident about these things, Kiyashiki-san,” Shion said. “But that’s fine. Take your time and believe in yourself, and everything else will follow.”
“So I take it you have everything worked out,” Momomi muttered.
“I know who I am, and I’m not ashamed,” Shion said. “But it’s something so divorced from my daily life that it’s just an unnecessary complication.”
“I don’t like it when you talk like that.” Momomi gazed at her senpai with steady eyes.
“Hmm?”
“They say the outsider sees most of the game, but isn’t it more fun to be playing? It’s just timid to always stay at the fringes of things.”
“Well, you’re just the same, Kiyashiki-san,” Shion said. “I’m sure I said that before.”
“Yeah, well, if thinks work out the way I want them to, I’ll change all that,” Momomi said. “So how about a bet? If I’m still here in my third year, you’ll try in your fourth. Ho w about that?”
“Tempting, but I don’t think so. I like being the way I am.”
“Why? Isn’t it just being timid?”
“Wrong. I’m not exactly the most social type of person, by my own admission, but I don’t lack confidence.”
“Then what?”
“The most interesting person in the world has been and gone,” Shion explained. “After that, it begins to feel a little pointless, I can assure you.”
“If that’s the case, then you should try and get her back! Anything’s better than just lazing around!”
“My, my,” Shion said. “You’re being a bit hypocritical, you know. Doesn’t change the bet?”
Momomi bit her lip.
“I’ll try, if you do.” Shion closed her eyes. “My interesting person for your interesting person. Isae for Kaname.”
“That’s hardly fair,” Momomi began.
“Then I suggest you stop talking,” Shion said, uncharacteristically sharply.
Momomi just looked at her senpai for a while. “Did you… love her?”
“Are you implying that you love Kenjou-san?” Shion asked, raising her eyebrows. “Not that I’d be too surprised, after your flirting, but realisation is a fine thing.”
“Of course not,” Momomi replied. “Don’t be ridiculous. But all the same, the way you talk about her… Isae, that is, not Kaname.”
“I don’t know, because I was never given the time to know,” Shion said. “Certainly it’s a question that has tormented me ever since she left. I don’t suppose I’ll ever be able to find out now.”
Momomi was silent.
“See how pathetic it sounds, that way of speaking?” Shion sighed. “But you should remember it, Kiyashiki-san. If you’re not careful, you could end up saying such things.”
“If I really am taken from this school,” Momomi agreed glumly.
“And if you and Kaname don’t patch things up,” Shion said sharply. “She’s within arm’s reach, Kiyashiki. I won’t forgive you if you make the same mistakes as me.”
“I know, I know. After all, when I really think about it, I do know what I have to do.”
“At the end of the day, most people do, but nothing changes.”
“Well, I’m different,” Momomi said. “I’ll show you that. And after that, I’ll be waiting on you to match me. I think you want me to do that, because it’s you as much as me who lacks the will to do what you want to do.”
“You make everything sound so simple, Kiyashiki-san,” Shion said, smiling thinly. “Everything you do. It’s an impressive talent, I suggest you keep it up.”
“Yeah. Whatever that means.”
“It’s the same as the Etoiles. Everyone needs to see a dream, a dream they can believe in. But only a few gifted people can create them. That’s what I’ve come to believe.”
“You shouldn’t say such embarrassing things.”
“The outsider sees most of the game, Kiyashiki-san.” Shion tapped her nose playfully. “You’d do well to remember that.”
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