Kaname screwed up the letter and threw it over her shoulder. It missed the bin, but she didn’t give a damn. Useless. Useless. Useless. This was a dumb idea anyway. Who the hell uses letters nowadays anyway? Heck, why do I even need to write a letter? What’s there to say? She stuck her pen in her mouth irritably. I guess I’m hoping that if I write enough letters I’ll work out what I actually intend to convey like this. Ridiculous. But it gives me something to do, at least. Better than moping on the bed. Then again, when I have every done anything but mope on my bed for months? I’m just in a bad mood right now, which is inevitable, and I’m not sure whether this is helping at all. But… whatever. I’ll just carry on regardless. Once I’ve worked this out of me, I’ll go and mope on my bed in a better mood. It’s just a matter of time. She scowled. Of course, perhaps that isn’t the most enlightened of activities, but I can’t be bothered to do anything else right now. Who cares what people think? I like living like this.
She closed her eyes for a moment, opened them again, and pulled a new sheet of paper towards her, beginning to write. “Momomi. I want you to know that our association is at an end.” She paused, fingers tapping the desk irritably. This was difficult. He tried again. “You used me while pretending to be my friend and looking down on me from a distance, and I won’t take it any more. I suggest you get another room, because you aren’t welcome here, you’ve hurt me and I’m furious. Don’t come near me any more, there’s nothing to be said and I could very easily lose my temper with you. If that happens, you will get hurt.” She stopped again; sighing and trying work out how to finish. “Everything else is up to you, so you can do what you like. But leave me out of your stupid games. That’s all.” She hesitated, then wrote “Kaname.”
Kaname paused and read over what she’d written. Too short, too whiny, too rambling, too weak…useless. She screwed it up and threw it over her shoulder. This time she managed to hit the bin with it. Then she tried again. “Momomi.” Another pause. Get stuck right after the damn name? That’s a wonderful way to start! Kaname bit her lip and tried to focus her chaotic thoughts. “I’m writing a letter because it’s easier to sort my thoughts like this. Plus it might be a clearer way to get my meaning across, because I’m not very coherent when I speak a lot of the time, you know that.” She frowned, feeling uncomfortable with that. It felt too pleading, somehow, too casual and… something. She didn’t know. She carried on regardless. “What I’m trying to say is-” She stopped again. She was damned if she knew what she was trying to say. “I’ve changed my mind. I want to hear your explanation. I still have things to say to you as well, and I think it’s best if we both say everything we have to say. When I asked to meet you, and even when I was angry, I- I didn’t intend what happened. We both got too emotional and we both said things we regret.” She fiddled awkwardly with her pen. That felt like too much of an admission, and she couldn’t know it was true, either. What if Momomi didn’t regret a thing? “I think that’s what happened, anyway. So I’d like to try and talk to you one more time. That’s what I meant to do in the first place, ask you what you thought of me as, so I could know for sure…but I got too caught up in the heat of the moment, and so-” She stopped and scowled. What the fuck am I apologising for? She’s the one in the wrong! Am I that dependant on her? That letter, too, was tossed over her shoulder. She slumped forwards, folding her arms and scowling at the wall.
I’m not thinking about this. I’m just writing down different perspectives on the situation, different things that I’m thinking, one after the other, like some kind of schizophrenic. That won’t help anything, because they only make sense if any one of a dozen of my messed up theories are correct and they’re pretty nonsensical even then. It’s more like a diary entry or something stupid than anything else. So do the logical, rational thing. Kaname closed her eyes. Work out what I want personally and write in such a way as to get it? No, I’ll leave that for Momomi, that’s too…wrong. Too dishonest. Never thought I’d see things like that, but messing around with people like that just isn’t funny. At least when I fight I do it to the front and in the light of day, not dishonourably and with twisting words and emotions and everything else. So…write a letter that you’ve thought about. A strictly neutral one, something that will allow me to work out what the hell is going on. That’s what makes the most sense right now. If I do that, and get a better handle on the situation, I can play it from there.
Kaname nodded to herself, satisfied with her logic, and pushed herself up, pulling a new sheet of paper over and starting again. “Momomi. A lot has come between us and as you can tell I grew frustrated. I would leave things as they are, but I still haven’t received an answer to my question, in part because of me, in part because of you. If you are willing, I would like to meet you one more time, so you can tell me what I want to know. Once we’ve done that, we can settle things, one way or the other. You may not want to see me right now and I’m not in the mood to face you but I think it’s important for both of us. By doing this, neither of us will have to get hurt any further-” She stopped in mid-sentence, scowling and wondering where the hell that had come from. This was supposed to be rational and based on facts, but here she was making those stupid assumptions again, and making herself look weak. She pushed the paper into a ball, gritting her teeth in frustration. Well, it was a crappy idea anyway. She tossed it away.
Well, there’s always the alternative… write whatever comes into my head. Kaname sighed and decided to try one more time. It really wasn’t like she had anything else to do. “Momomi. I’m writing to you because… I’m not sure, actually. I guess that’s it. I’m not sure about anything. That’s something that started a long time ago, because Olesa said you’d use me, and I’d ignore that, but it’s nothing I find inconceivable. You’re the manipulative one, and I’ve always been aware that I’m vulnerable to that.” So far so good, but she wasn’t quite sure what came next. “Anyway, I always wondered, especially afterwards, because you smiled at me a lot and held me, especially that one time, which was also something I found surprising, and the way you played with me all the time, exploiting my weaknesses, I was never quite sure whether you were my friend, or whether you were just using me, for your own entertainment, and to help you execute your own agenda. That’s why I asked you to see my in the first place. I had to get you to make that clear, one way or the other. I guess it’s stupid anyway, because if you really were using me you only had to assure me that you weren’t. But if you had even a little sincerity, it should make things clear. It didn’t turn out that way, though.”
Kaname stared at her own words, trying to work out where they’d come from. They were painfully compromising; it was definitely better suited to a diary entry than a letter. But she decided to carry on anyway. It would be stupid to stop the moment words were coming to her. “As it was…I guess I’ve always been afraid that I might be just another pawn to you, like Olesa and Amiki and Shion and all the rest, and so I was afraid of them as well. Perhaps that doesn’t make sense. But I wanted to be your friend, not your tool, and I was never sure whether you could ever give me that. That’s why I was so angry when you turned up so late, not that you were late exactly, because you hadn’t forgotten, but the more annoying that was that you were late because you were playing games with Olesa. I was furious at that. I suppose in a way I was jealous as well, jealous of all of them, because things were a lot more fun for me when it was just us two in our room sulking and playing word games with each other. I know that sounds, stupid, but I preferred it then, and I’ve always known that if you had an alternative, you’d take it.” She sighed and scratched her chin thoughtfully.
“And what Olesa sent me made me mad as well. My rivalry with Amane, it’s always been something I’ve taken very seriously, and I’ve always found it hard to explain. It’s not like I don’t know that she doesn’t give a damn about me, that’s very obvious and very infuriating. And everyone who’s noticed is the same, they all think it’s stupid. But it is important to me, and I’ve always meant to carry on until I’ve beaten her. It’s not about being the best, not exactly. It’s more like beating Amane. Because for some reason that I can’t quite gather, I’ve always found Amane to be really, really annoying, someone who just pisses me off with her every gesture and word. If I was anything like as perfect as her, I’d sue that perfection, but she’s content to be like that. And I thought you understood what it meant to be in someone’s shadow, what it means…I guess I thought you’d support me until I’d beaten her, even if you’d never said as much. That thought gave me strength, sometimes, but it looks like I was wrong. I was disappointed and angry. You know the result.”
Kaname tried to work out what came next. “So…I guess none of this is exactly what I wanted to say, is it? I’m more worried about what we do now, and I don’t know what exactly I’m supposed to do. Hell, it’s more like I don’t know what I want to do or what you’re thinking, because at the end of the day I really didn’t learn anything at all. The things I said in anger weren’t all very reliable, and I want to believe that you’re the same. I could just forget it and everything and just move on, it’s something I’ve been considering, but I don’t think I can do that unless I have to. Because it’s been fun, even though I was uncertain, all the stupid games and the little fights and how much trouble we ended up in and everything else, I did enjoy that, even if I pretended otherwise. I don’t think I fooled you, though, in the end I couldn’t even fool myself. But I’m still afraid, in a way, because if you really were just manipulating me I’m making a complete fool of myself, admitting all this, and even if you weren’t you might well hate me by now for the things I’ve said. It may not be possible to go back to where we were before that, I worry about that and I know that. But it’s okay. I have this feeling that even if it’s hard, even if it’s embarrassing, I should talk to you. I want to listen this time, no; perhaps I’m ready to listen this time, because I want Momomi to be my friend. I’ve no idea what Momomi wants, though. I guess that’s just the way it is.”
Kaname fell back in her chair, feeling exhausted. She stared at what she had written, wincing as she began to read it over. Oh, man. Feels like I’m naked or something…I should rip this up or burn it right now, there’s no way I could ever give this to Momomi, and it’s way too compromising. She hesitated for a moment, then pushed it away from her. It feels too… right to just throw away like the others, though. And it was hard to write, emotionally, but not literally, the words just came somehow. I feel like I should keep it by, it might remind me of some things. But I definitely don’t want anyone else to see it. Heck, some of what it says isn’t welcome to me, but it would be stupid to deny it. This is what I think, I suppose, and I’m not so stupid as to deny it. But that does leave me wondering about my hopes, and that’s what worries me. If I’m not careful, I really will become a tool, her subordinate like Amiki to Olesa, whatever she actually intends. That’s the last thing I want, but at the same time I feel it’s a mistake I could make right now. I have to be careful, really careful, but I don’t know anything about this stuff. I still don’t know what comes next. She sighed. I feel… drained. But it’s a welcome feeling, after all the other emotions I was getting used to. Emptiness is good; I might even be able to rest on it.
She sighed deeply then stood, walking back to her bed and collapsing onto it again. For all her optimism, it quickly became apparent that sleep would be a long time in coming. Quite apart from anything else, she was tired in her mind but not in her body, or at least she wasn’t tired in a way that required sleep. As it was, she felt a bone-deep weariness that kept her awake far more than it eased her into blissful unconsciousness. She considered doing her homework, and dismissed the thought in an instant. Never particularly conscientious at the best of times, as apathetic and distracted as she was now, that was a laughable dream. The only time she really worked hard was studying for the scholarship exams… and that brought up unpleasant memories with it. I was looking forwards to that, this year, ridiculously enough. Helping Momomi screw over her father, which is a cause in itself, teaching Momomi and proving that there are things that I can do better than her, making her suffer with my harsh study habits, spending idle time with her and away from the others…I actually looked forwards to that. Well, it’s pointless now. That might have been one of the few reasons eh had for using me, so she’ll have to do it alone. Of course, that’s only going to make me more wretched if she does manage it without help. The only thing worse than being a tool is being an expendable tool.
There was a knock at the door. Kaname cursed, folded her arms over her head, and rolled over, facing the wall. The knock was repeated when she made no reply, then they tried to open the door- unsuccessfully, as the handle hit the top of the chair she’d jammed under there. She knew how to secure a room when she had to. But what the hell am I doing, anyway? Isn’t cowering in here way too pathetic? Don’t I want to talk to Momomi, at least on some level? It’s not like I’m the one who has anything to be ashamed of! “Who is it?” Kaname demanded, knowing the answer.
“An Etoile!” Kariya said, her voice managing to carry through the door was painful ease. “Now open up, Kenjou! We know you’re in there now!”
Oh. “Just go away!”
“Like hell! We need to talk!”
“I’ve nothing to say to you!”
“Well, we’ve got plenty to say to you!” Kariya replied. “Open this door this instant, or I’ll make you suffer for it! You have no right to do this, though it’s your lookout if you get trapped in here and burn to death!”
Kaname just ignored this, sticking her head in her pillow and pretending she couldn’t hear the noisy girl.
“That’s am idea, actually. I’ll smoke you out, just give me a second. Not for your sake, but there are good people worried about you, so I won’t let you lie around in there forever.”
“What do you know?” Kaname demanded.
“We talked to Kiyashiki,” Kariya said. “I’m going to fillet you, Kenjou! It is not done to make a girl cry!”
“We’re all girls here,” Kaname snapped back, annoyed. “Why the hell am I always the villain?”
“Because I’ve never been sure if you are a girl.”
“Well, you’re wrong! This time it’s her fault!”
“Oh, really?”
Kaname could picture Kariya saying that, arms folded, a sarcastic expression on her face. She’d probably be glaring at the door in lieu of Kaname herself. But she didn’t reply, because she saw what the girl wanted and she was damned if she was going to play along.
“Alright, so can you tell me something?” Kariya asked.
Kaname refused to reply. Maybe she’ll go away if I ignore her. Yeah, as if she’s that smart…
“How long are you going to hide in there? I thought you had a little spine in you, Kenjou.”
Kaname gritted her teeth. “What hell do you know?”
Kariya groaned audibly. “If I hear that phrase one more time, I’m going to break down your door and take to you with a katana.”
“What are you talking about?” Kaname said, frowning at the wall.
“Kiyashiki-san said that an awful lot. It’s annoying because it was just a weak dismissal when she knew we’d made a good point. You’re just the same.”
Kaname just scowled and made no reply.
“Of course, silence like that is even more pathetic.”
“Screw you.” When this in turn was ignored, Kaname rolled her eyes. “How long did your cosy chat with Momomi last?”
“I left that in Serané’s hands, which is just as well, because she was longwinded, evasive and angsty. She kept snivelling, too, it was very annoying. The only thing worse than a crying girl is the person who made them cry.”
Finally something important clicked. “Momomi was crying?”
“I told you that already! Don’t sound too surprised!” Kariya snorted. “Man or woman, it’s a poor thing, Kenjou. She ran into the Church in something close to hysterics, tried to attack that Perez girl, then collapsed sobbing when Serané hugged her. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”
“I told you, I’m not the one who’s the villain here!” Kaname retorted. “She was probably faking it, anyway, to portray herself as the victim-”
There was a banging sound, consistent with Kariya smashing a hand into the door. “Finish that sentence, Kenjou, and it will take a lot more than three inches of soft wood to protect you from me. You made her cry, not just a little, but a lot. Accept that!”
So Momomi was crying. Well, I guess that’s to expected of her, she’s not as tough as she likes to pretend she is…but I can’t say I’m comfortable with it, all the same. Why the hell is she the one crying? I’m the victim here! Kaname sighed, mentally checking her own belligerence. Though if I was forced to admit it, I should probably say that I went a little too far. And I may yet have misjudged the situation. In fact, if she’s crying, that may mean as much, which means there’s hope for me yet, even if I have made a mistake. More likely the truth is that she was party manipulative and partly sincere, but I can live with that. She’s showed that she cares, at least, which is important. But, on the other hand, she might really be faking tears, whatever Kariya says. It’s a possibility, I definitely wouldn’t put crocodile tears beyond her, and they have served to make me look like I’m in the wrong. I still can’t know anything for sure, but at least she’s not being cool and pretending she’s unaffected, or being genuinely unaffected. So she’s either sincere or a master manipulator…wonderful. All the same, Momomi crying…it feels so weird. Someone that proud and strong, crying in front of all those people? It makes me uneasy, and annoyed that I’m uneasy. I wonder when I last cried. No, I remember, I came close with her, when I was talking about my past, when she hugged me. Perhaps we really can hurt each other, where no one else can. Kaname grimaced. Yeah, it would be wonderful if I could believe that.
“You haven’t answered my question, Kenjou.”
“What are you talking about?” Kaname asked, annoyed.
“How long do you intend to lock yourself away from the world? I don’t forgive people who run away from life.”
“I’m fine here. It’s not like I’m bothering anyone. You can just bugger off and stop bothering me.”
“You’re bothering everyone in this corridor because I have to shout through the door,” Kariya said. “You’re bothering me because you’re making me do this. You’re bothering Serané because she worries about everyone, even stupid people like you. You’re bothering Tomori because she has taken a weird liking to you both. You’re even bothering the two Spaniards because they like to have you as a rival to beat down. And you’re definitely, definitely, bothering Kiyashiki-chan. Don’t you dare say that you’re not bothering anyone.”
Kaname tried to find something to say to that. “Well, perhaps I am bothering her, but she sure as hell bothered me! I’m not going to justify myself to you, though, that’s just what I want.”
“What I want? I could care less for your mutual grievances,” Kariya said. “I just want you to get off your ass, stop polluting the air with angst and get outside! Anything else is far too annoying to tolerate.”
“Are you even allowed to say that?”
“This is tough love. You wouldn’t understand the gentle kind. But you still need to stop running away. It’s too pathetic.”
“I’m not running away from anything!”
“It looks that way to me.”
“Only fools rush in. You might be a fool, but I know my own limits.”
“Then at least open the door. It’s ostrich-like behaviour.”
“What’s ostrich-like around here is you closing your eyes and pretending there’s no such thing as subtlety and feeling, just because you don’t feel them. You’re just too bloody simple!”
“Perhaps I am simple,” Kariya said bluntly. “But that allows me to see simple truths. If you want something, take it. Dignity and pride, they’re only things that get in your way. The status quo might be familiar, but they stop you from achieving a better future, and if things have got a lot worse that’s not the time to say things are fine like this or a damn stupid lie like that. That’s the way it is, remember it. Don’t just live your life like you’re waiting to die.”
Kaname heard her footsteps as she walked away. She gritted her teeth and threw herself up, pulling the chair out of the way and opening the door. “Wait!”
“My, my,” Kariya said, turning regally. “She came out.”
“It’s not like you gave me any choice. No one says things like that to me, Etoile or not.”
“You find the truth very unwelcome, don’t you.”
“Shut up.”
“So,” Kariya said, closing her eyes the way she did. “What do you want?”
“Nothing,” Kaname said, folding her arms. “I’m just proving you wrong.”
“I didn’t say anything about what you want me,” Kariya replied. “I want to know what you want, Kenjou-kun. What are you going to do now? Mope and hide away forever?”
“No. I’m going to stay here for as long as is necessary, then I’ll take the next step.”
“How is it ever necessary? I can’t see what you’re achieving locked up in there.”
“Right now, I’m not in a state of mind where I can talk,” Kaname said. “And she’s not in a state of mind where she can listen. That’s how things are.”
“I see. So, what are you going to do after that point?”
“Why should I tell you?”
“Because I can make your life an unpleasant one very easily,” Kariya said. “I’m interested, not for you, but because Serané will be sad if you do something too stupid. And I don’t stand for cowardice and foolishness in anyone, at any odds.”
“You say a lot of things to hide your true feelings, don’t you?”
“You’re a one to talk, aren’t you, Kenjou-kun.” Kariya shrugged. “Have you ever said anything but that? It’s a manipulative form of behaviour, Kenjou-kun, bad in both of us.”
“How’s that manipulative?” Kaname demanded hoarsely.
“We mislead and hurt other people’s feelings to protect our own,” Kariya said. “Isn’t that a very selfish behaviour?”
“Don’t compare me to you.” But the response was automatic, without conviction.
“But I use that freely on you, because I don’t really give a damn about you, Kenjou-kun,” Kariya said, her face stern. “You can feel and think what you like, so I can preserve my pride as much as I please. And that’s something you do as well. But… I learned long ago that if I did that to someone important to me, we’d both get it hurt. It was okay to be like that most of the time, because that was and is who I am and she’s used to it, she can read it, and she likes it. But once in a while I have to be honest, because to make her happy and confident a little pride is a pathetic price to pay.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Kaname asked, eyes uncertain.
“Who knows?” Kariya asked, shrugging theatrically. “It was just something that came to mind, Kenjou-kun. Don’t read too much into it.”
“Dishonest as always…”
“Of course. You aren’t my important person.”
“Well, it’s fine for you to be like that,” Kaname began, folding her arms. “You have an honest friend, so it’s fine for you to drop your guard. If that person was even more deceitful than you, if you can’t know anything at all about that person and they know so much about you and every omission you make could be a weapon used to bind you to them… then it’s definitely impossible to live like that, with such simple wisdom.”
“Actually, my friend isn’t always honest,” Kariya said. “She’s the same, she has a pride that protects her, in her own subtle ways, and that’s because she’s a person. Everyone shields themselves like that, to a greater or lesser degree. So if my friend really was that dishonest, I’d give her that advice as well. We might not be very good, but we could learn together.”
“You don’t understand anything,” Kaname said in a low voice. “But you still come here with your nonsense advice and stupid words, said with such surety as if they’re a universal truth, and claim you know everything about the world.”
“Perhaps I really am talking tripe. But is acting on my tripe any worse than what you’re doing now? Right now, you’re doing nothing but breathing, Kenjou-kun. There’s nothing you gain from life at all. What does one do when one’s back is to the wall?”
“I don’t know… but I’m sure the prophetess of the universal truths can tell me.”
“You know this one, though, Kenjou-kun, it’s caused me a lot of trouble. You fight. That’s what you do, you, you as a person, you who is Kaname Kenjou-kun. If that instinct has deserted you when you most need it, that’s just too stupid.”
“I love the way you speak of me as if you know anything about me.”
“Say what you like, Kenjou,” Kariya said. “I’m through. That’s all I had to say.” She waved. “So go back to writing poetry or whatever you were doing in there.”
Kaname’s fists balled as the Etoile walked gracefully down the corridor without looking back. That bitch, always pretending to be a bloody saint in public! Who does she think she is, to talk to me like that? I could care less if she’s Etoile! She just doesn’t give a damn about anyone but her precious girlfriend. At least Serané keeps up the pretence, both herself and in Kariya when they’re together… but when Kariya’s alone, she’s the worst kind of heartless bitch. Well, I don’t give a damn either, but I’m not downright obnoxious enough to stand for Etoile while staying like that! It’s just plain annoying, especially with the kind of worship they get.
She retreated back into her room, slamming the door moodily. Trust her to take the pleasure out of the one place where I get a little peace. She considered throwing herself onto her bed again, but decided against it. It’s not like that’s done me any good so far. There’s too much to think about. She sat at the desk instead, frowning at the mirror. Her hair was a mess, her face didn’t look much better, and her eyes were rimmed with red. Momomi definitely wouldn’t approve. She sighed and slumped forwards, dismissing the thought and hugging her chest tightly. I’m cold. I bet I develop a cold before long. That’s all her fault, so I won’t let her lecture me on it. As if she’s ever going to lecture me on anything at all, ever again… it’s stupid to feel like this…Kaname thought she felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes, but she blinked rapidly and bit her lip, determined not to succumb to anything stupid like that. Her eyes fell on the letter she’d written, and she slumped forwards even further. You say everything as if it’s so easy, damnit! I know, already, and I want to talk to her. But that doesn’t make it any easier. That doesn’t mean I can. And if I can’t, I know I’m just going to hate myself. She let herself mope for a few moments, then sat up and pulled the piece of paper towards her. But I won’t lose, not to you, not to myself, not to anyone. Even if I have to force myself, I’ll bring myself to do it. I don’t have any choice. She never left me with any choice.
She grabbed her pen and began to write the final paragraph.
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