Kariya and Serané are around the same age, currently fifth years, which is why Momomi distinguishes them from others in her distrust of sempai-kohai relationships rant.
The cold, dewy morning wind played about her face, banishing her tiredness. Which was good, she’d had a restless night. Half the time, she felt stupid for doubting Momomi. But the other half was dominated by those same rising, nagging doubts, that were about herself and Momomi and who they both were and what they both wanted and everything else. It had kept her up half the night, and it was still wearying her now. Kaname leaned on a tree, enjoying the rough, coarse feel of the bark against her skin. That was something that pierced her haze of tiredness and confusion. That was something that proved that she was alive.
But it’s a sensation that reminds me of others, the ones I can’t forget. Momomi’s first hug, back when I opened my soul to her and she stepped forwards, not back. Lying together by the lake. Every casual touch, my shoulders, my arms, anything, her mere presence comes alive. Does she understand? Can she realise what it means to me, someone whose personal space is only violated so that I myself may be violated? Beaten by my parents, in different times and places. Threatened, injured, mocked by all those who hated me so casually, in the way that comes so easily to impossible cruelty of children. In a fight, to be punched kicked, scratched, bit, grabbed, choked, thrown; all these things are familiar to me. But to Momomi, touch is a gentleness, a teasing thing, a comforting thing, something that should heal and reassure. It’s almost frightening, the power of something so simple, it’s not something I can control. On some level, I want to respond, to hold her back, hug her close, wrap my arms round her and call her mine, my child, mine to protect from the world. I can at least admit to that much. But that’s because I am me, and to me something so monumental can’t mean anything else. To Momomi, with a sister, a family that can still be called a family, it’s different. To her, it doesn’t mean anything much. I can’t know whether it means anything at all, and whether it’s not just lies, or simply a game she plays because it’s more interesting to do so than that. I feel the warmth but I can’t see the meaning.
Her personality’s the same, too. She smiles and giggles and teases and watches me out of the corner of her eye, all the time. And that runs me through, even when I’ve pulled up all my defences and taken myself from the world. It’s something more fundamental and powerful than any mere words she could say, because words are easily understood, they have a simple meaning. But when she becomes that, it’s impossible for me to follow, it could mean anything. I can’t return it, I don’t know the reply, I feel foolish and flattered and…something else, too. Like I’ve been exposed to the world. It makes me uncomfortable, just because she’s so comfortable with it. Sometimes I think she uses that fact to toy with me. It’s a little better when she’s alone, but even when we’re with others, she’s just the same. Is that courage or confidence or just shamelessness? But it’s still not funny to me. Except to say that, is to acknowledge it. That’s my problem. I can’t even face it. I can’t even face her. And everything else. The way she talks, the way she smiles, the way the wind plays with her hair, her whimsy, first one thing then another, one way then the next, her determination, her confidence, her odd vulnerability. Sometimes I wonder whether her very meaning of existence is to hurt me, as if the world would expend so much effort on something so pointless.
Kaname smiled at herself. Ridiculous. However I look at myself, I’m like a lovestruck teenager right now. How I wish this was so simple and innocent, but they’re not. This is the opening of wounds carved on my childhood, once again, and I’m bleeding, inside and out. But that’s not something people ever see. It’s not something I permit them to see.
Too late she heard the steady clip-clop of a horse being walked. By the time she’d noticed the sound, Amane had seen her. Well, she wasn’t going to shrink away or anything stupid like that. She had every right to be there.
“Good morning,” Amane said blandly.
“Good morning,” Kaname imitated, scowling openly at the girl.
“Why are you here?” No prelude to that, of course. This was Amane.
“Whenever I’m feeling low, I come here. I can remember you and know that there are people in this world who are even more hopeless than me.”
There wasn’t anything to say to that, so Amane said nothing. But she tied Starbright to the fence close to Kaname and started to adjust the saddle. Kaname suspected this had nothing to do with a desire to prolong the conversation, and everything to do with Amane’s complete indifference to everything. Amane was not easily shifted from her routine. “So, how about you? Why are you always out here so early?”
“It’s easier to practise like this,” Amane replied. “There’s no one else to get in my way.”
“Have I spoiled that, then? Maybe I should come more often.”
“It’s fine. Like that, you aren’t causing me any difficulties.”
“Really?” Kaname folded her arms, annoyed. “Well, that’s typical of you. You’re as egocentric as ever.”
Amane ignored her, untying Starbright again and preparing to remount. That was the most annoying thing about Amane. When everyone else fought back, Amane ignored her. They, at least, validated her existence and reacted to her words. Amane simply blocked her out as if she was an irrelevance. It was something Kaname had always hated. “Hey,” she said sharply.
Amane stopped and turned to her. “Yes?”
Kaname scowled for a moment, having taken herself off-guard, then shrugged. “Have you ever been uncertain?”
“On my first day at school,” Amane said, sounding slightly puzzled. “And my first racing meet. Events like that. Why?”
“Not that stuff, you idiot,” Kaname said, secretly pleased at the discovery that Amane was human. “I mean with people. Where you don’t know where you stand.”
“Not really,” Amane said. “I can’t say I have.”
“That’s what I should expect, from an introvert like you.”
“But if I was even in a situation like that, I’d deal with it directly,” Amane continued, looking at her rival. “Asking someone is easy enough, isn’t it?”
“Only someone as naïve as you could say that with a straight face.”
“Just because it might be hard to do, that is an even more important reason to do it.” Amane shrugged. “If it’s hard, it’s something that has to be done. You should understand that.”
“Huh?”
“You shouldn’t take me lightly, you know,” Amane said, mounting her horse. “Even if you hate me.”
“Don’t think I’d lavish hatred on you,” Kaname retorted, looking annoyed.
“You’re very dishonest.” Amane tapped her spurs against Starbright’s flank, pushing the horse into a trot.
Kaname watched her for a few more moments, a frown tugging insistently at her lips. That enigmatic bitch. And when I think about it, those things I just said could definitely be described as leading. Well, screw it. I doubt she’s noticed or cared.
She turned and began to walk back, deep in thought. That… that was Amane’s infuriating talent. Her words take root far too easily. But she’d ride out that sense of unease, all her current doubts, and take everything on head-on. After all, she was Kaname Kenjou. She wasn’t going to lose to someone like Amane, not even like this.
“Looking for your girlfriend?” Amiki sniped from the table next to her.
“Of course not,” Momomi replied. “But it’s ridiculous of her, all the same. She should eat a proper breakfast.”
“How very motherly.”
“If you’re looking for Kenjou-san, she ate breakfast a lot earlier.” Olesa took a dainty sip from her glass of orange juice. “Then she went out.”
“You two knew that? Why did you say, already?”
“It may sound cliché,” Amiki said. “But you didn’t ask. It’s not really our business.”
“And, wait, if you were here to see that…” Momomi frowned. “How long have you guys been here anyway?”
“We like leisurely mornings. And you can hear some very interesting things in the morning.”
“But I’m surprised to see this,” Olesa murmured.
“What now?”
“That you should be so concerned over Kenjou-san, even if she’s away from you for a few minutes at the start of the day.”
Momomi snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just a matter of curiosity.”
“Then perhaps you shouldn’t lead her on so much,” Olesa said. “You might give her the wrong idea.”
“What are you talking about? You don’t make a lot of sense, sometimes.” Momomi gritted her teeth, somewhat frustrated with her supposed subordinate.
“Perhaps.” Olesa stood up. “But you’re free to think about it.”
“Well, we’d better go,” Amiki noted, following her. “We’ll be late for morning lessons.”
Momomi cut between them and headed for the door, looking irritated. “That reminds me why you two are so energetic,” she said, pausing there for a moment. “I haven’t given you anything to do that. Well, I’ll fix that soon.”
“Looking forwards to it.” Amiki waved a sarcastic goodbye.
Momomi fumed her way through the corridors, heading for her first lesson, French. The only thing that she knew for sure was that her mind wasn’t on reflexive verbs. That Kaname, disappearing all of a sudden, and without so much as a note. What the hell’s up with that? It’s seriously irresponsible of her, making me worry like that. And doesn’t she know that we have important things to plan and discuss? If the Etoiles really can swing things for me, it’s going to be hectic. What the hell is a general supposed to do if her second-in-command has flown off somewhere? Probably mooning over Amane… what’s so special about her, anyway? It makes me so mad. She’s so fixated to the point of infatuation. Only not even Kaname could be that stupid. I’m sure of it. Momomi frowned. But she’s been weird lately. Well, last night. I’m almost sure Olesa said something, but I didn’t think Kaname would be that easy to lead. Perhaps I was too trusting. Or I did something instead. She could be avoiding me. That’d just be too childish even for her, right? I at least reserve the right to argue with her resentments. Or… I’m completely overreacting. But she really shouldn’t make me worry like this. I’m totally going to chew her out when I see her next.
Momomi slid into the French classroom with seconds to spare, collapsing into her habitual seat by the window. She pulled her books out of her bag with the rest of the class, giving half an ear to the instructions and following by reflex rather than actual attention. But it was infuriatingly hard to focus. Kaname being odd, Olesa’s connection with her, Amiki with Olesa, Shion’s still-ambiguous agenda, the oh-so-convenient support of the Etoiles, all these things were important dimensions in her new, greatly changed life. And, of course, everything still hinged on her father, and his ultimatum, which still lingered in the back of her mind like a black hole. Everything spun through her head, confusing her still further, as she went over everything; speculating, planning and dreaming freely. It was almost more than she could handle. If there was one thing she hated, it was the sensation of losing control. That’s why this was necessary, a lot more necessary than French, anyway. I can speak the language fluently, so much so I could probably pass for an dialectic native. Why am I even here? Talk about a waste of time.
Normally she at least went through the motions of the assignment, but she wasn’t in the mood today. She continued to brood on everything, doodling idly in the margin of her exercise book. She was a good artist, and knew as much. It was another thing they’d been taught. Art was a genteel little hobby that looked cute in a wife, appropriate for the second child. Her sister had spent a lot more time on hard business studies. Of course, the medium somewhat cramped Momomi’s style. But getting her sketchbook out would be rather too conspicuous. She drew idle little things, a pretty butterfly, a falling leaf, a small scrub of flowers and a few bees. She’d always had a certain fascination for that common world. When she’d been a child, she recalled, she’d always wandered through their large garden, the closest she could get to freedom. The majority of it was stately and painstakingly maintained in rigid rows, elegant, beautiful and choked of all natural light. But her mother had managed to have a smaller garden arranged, where wildflowers had been planted and allowed to do as they pleased. She’d always gone there when her father had been too loud and violent to bear. Sighing and dismissing the thought, she started to draw a more elegant bunch of red roses. Remembering something she’d said yesterday, Momomi adjusted the sketch, adding a vase. That was a good line. The look on her face was too cute. Smiling at the memory, she tried to draw something different. The half-formed edges of an aquiline face, smooth but displaced hair, and amidst the mass, resting next to her right ear, a rose. She tried not to laugh out loud at her own work, revelling in the ridiculousness of it. Kaname was a flower in her hair? That’s way too priceless. Like that’s ever going to happen.
“Enjoying yourself, Kiyashiki-san?”
Momomi looked up. “Absolutely, sensei. So you’re doing just fine, carry on.” Normally she’d just accept it, but what the hell, she was feeling good today. Of course, she was feeling rather less good by the time the teacher was finished with her. But that’s just the way it is. I’ve never been able to fully buy into such simple words. It gives me a sense of distance, but also a power, that power which was to be outside a world and controlling it. That’s what makes Kaname and I special. But it also makes me wonder just how far my world can expand before I’ll lose that edge.I’m sure I’m better off the way, but it’s always human nature for people to believe that where they stand is the best place to be. And where I stand is apart. When I look around this classroom and see all the distant places, I remember that.
And the frightening thing is that I’m glad. It’s fine to be alone. Or perhaps… well, I’m thinking too much again.
Momomi drifted through French and History, mostly just thinking. She had to admit that sedentary musing was something she indulged in far more than was probably good for her. But that always felt more interesting than everything happening around her. Besides, this was hardly a time where she could focus her mind. She should probably try harder. It would be desperately embarrassing to stay on only to be kicked out the next day for general low standards. Her rushed essay on Napoleon probably wouldn’t help any, either, despite Kaname’s insistence on her absolute understanding of his every move. She was probably longer than theory and confidence than actual knowledge. Not that Momomi was any better. Kaname at least could fail with authority. There was something to be said for that talent, well, more than one thing, really. Notably it came into play more often than not whenever her friend opened her mouth. But Momomi liked it. It was thoughts like that she had in mind when she went to find Kaname in breaktime. That, and musings on how much grief the girl was going to suffer for making her worry. She’d had to go to the trouble of looking for her, after all, it was annoying. If Kaname kept doing inconvenient things…
“Hi,” Kaname said, raising a hand and tapping her on the shoulders. “I’ve been looking for you.”
Momomi jumped, then covered herself with a scowl. “Where the hell did you spring from?”
“The corridor behind you. Scare you much?”
“Not at all,” Momomi pouted. “But it’s not polite to sneak up on people. It’s a childish thing.”
“Well, I didn’t intend to sneak up on you. It’s not my fault you’re so inattentive and dreamy.”
“That’s rich, coming from someone like you, who’s only focused when it comes to violence.” Momomi shrugged. “But what the hell were you doing coming from there anyway? Geography is this way.”
“Well, I headed somewhere else first, so I had to take the indirect route,” Kaname said. “It’s not like I don’t have things to do.”
“Hmm?” Momomi faked a thoughtful frown as something clicked. “Well, back that way is one good way to get to a History classroom. Could it be that Kaname was looking for me?”
“Of course not,” the blue-haired girl retorted, flushing slightly in anger or embarrassment. “But aren’t you heading for Geography, yourself? Isn’t that a little stalkerish of you?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Momomi blustered. “I just had important things to do in that direction.”
“Such as?”
“Well… that’s to say… I was going out. I need fresh air after all those damn lessons.”
“Uh-huh. The main entrance is somewhere behind you.”
“Well, I’m not taking the main entrance,” Momomi replied, striding on. “It’s always so crowded! This way’s better!”
Kaname smiled then checked herself. “Say-”
“So, what was your important thing, anyway?” Momomi demanded.
“Eh?”
“You said you had things to do, as well. It’s your turn to explain yourself.”
“You’re still worried about that?” Kaname shook her head.
“You got your say,” Momomi said. “Besides, it was only a few seconds ago, so stop dodging the question.”
“Well, I was… going to ask some last minute questions about the essay,” Kaname lied. “I don’t have History until later, after all.”
“Really? Alright for some,” Momomi grumbled. “So you’re going to the library, then?”
“What?”
“Well, you’ve got to make adjustments before period four, right? Otherwise asking for advice is meaningless.”
“Have you memorised my timetable or something?”
“Well, I have to help you pack your bags every day, just in case you forget something,” Momomi said. “You do that way too often. It wasn’t for me, you’d leave it into the morning, when you’re tired and distracted.”
“I can pack my own bag just fine, thank you. But I thought I’d handle the History in period three. It’s only Art. There’s generally some time to work surreptitiously.”
“What a lousy attitude you have.”
“Well, are you any different? You drift off all the time, as far as I can tell. Your working materials could more properly be called sketch flickbooks.”
“That’s only in lessons where it’s pointless for me to work, like French. Don’t compare me to you, especially as your artwork still leaves something to be desired, to say the least.”
“Yes, yes,” Kaname said. “Now, where are we going again?”
Momomi stopped dead. “You’re annoying, did you know that? I’m going outside, I told you.”
“Where outside?”
“Anywhere!”
Kaname suddenly stopped, laughing out loud. “I must say, I didn’t plan for this.”
“Huh?” Momomi frowned her. “What are you talking about now?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking… about things,” she finished lamely.
“That reminds me,” Momomi said. “Where the hell were you this morning? Have you any idea how worried I was?”
“So, you were worried about me…”
“Well, that’s not it.” Momomi managed a straight face. “I’m very busy right now, you know. I’ve got a lot of things to plan out. I can’t play if one of my key pieces has gone missing from the chessboard, now can I?”
“No… I guess not.”
“So, where were you? Don’t give me any half-truths. I can see through your lies, you know.”
“I was in the forest,” Kaname replied.
“Watching the paddock?” Momomi said sharply.
“Watching the paddock.”
“You godamn infatuated teenager,” Momomi said, even more irritable than before. “Can’t you manage a week before going off to stare at her and think strange things? It’s such a pointless waste of time, it really annoys me. And to get up so early, you’re really hopeless.”
“It’s nothing like that,” Kaname said. “I just needed some time to think.”
“I’ll bet. Feel much like a tragic heroine?”
“I don’t deserve that,” Kaname spat, looking angry. “Sometimes I just need godamn space. Hanging around you, anyone would.”
“Oh? Is that so?” Momomi scowled. “This is why you’re so annoying. You need to be more reliable.”
“Really? At least I always know where I’m walking. That’s more than I can say for you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Momomi said, pushing open the door and walking out into the sunlight. “Can’t you come up with something more original to bitch about?”
“Well, I’m not the one implying flagrantly false assumptions that are worthy of Amiki.”
“In this case, they don’t seem so false, that’s all I’m saying,” Momomi said. “You obsess over her, even if you won’t admit it.”
“I do not!”
“See?”
“So, what, even if that’s the case? Jealous much?”
“Dream on,” Momomi said. “You’re my useful enemy. Isn’t that what you’d say? The only thing I’m annoyed about is that you’re cutting down on my productive plotting time.”
“That’s probably true in your case. But you’re really childish. It’s not like you own me or anything. I’ve no obligation to spend more time with you than anyone else. Nor do I have to help you. Understand that!”
“Well… I know, already,” Momomi snapped. “But at least with more you’re more productive than just gazing at Amane. When did that get you anything? Have you ever actually beaten her at anything important?”
“It’s not like I don’t have the time,” Kaname said. “I’m getting back to it the moment this is over with, and this time, I’ll win.”
“Bash your head into a brick wall some more, why don’t you?”
“Oh? And what you’re doing makes more sense? Amane, at least, is fairly passive. Your father is a stubborn oaf who won’t give any ground at all, but you’re still trying to take him on.”
“Don’t be too proud of a rival who doesn’t even acknowledge you as an enemy,” Momomi muttered.
“Better than crawling to your enemy.”
“You told me to do that, already!”
Kaname fumed silently, wondering why she’d ever lost sleep over this obnoxious little madam.
“But you shouldn’t care so much about Amane,” Momomi said, consciously lowering her tone of voice.
“In what way?” Kaname asked. “I don’t care for her, that’s for sure. Quite the reverse.”
“With you, everything’s Amane, Amane, Amane. You’ve got better recently, but it’s like you’re having a relapse. It really irritates me.”
“Is that so? Well, I’m sure I’ll lose sleep over that.”
“I’m the one losing sleep because you’re taking on this pointless rivalry,” Momomi said. “Why do you have to measure everything up to her? Why is beating her so important? Isn’t number two out of over ninety students fine?”
“So you’re number three, I take it.”
“Having a number implies effort,” Momomi said. “Something you put in and I don’t. Once I’m here for good, you’ll have a real rival. But Amane doesn’t count.”
“Why not? She’s better at most things than you.”
“Oh, thanks for that,” Momomi said, furious. “You measure everything in such simple ways!”
“Well, forgive me,” Kaname replied. “You’ve never given me any other frame of reference.”
“You’re still running away. Answer me already!”
“If I can beat Amane, it’s the way I can prove that I’m better than any aristocrat,” Kaname said. “Ever since she beat my test scores the first time, it’s been my goal.”
“Isn’t being here good enough, already? Can’t you just do what you like?” Momomi balled her fists. “I don’t agree with Kariya at all! You don’t have to conquer the world just because of your past. That kind of attitude is worse discrimination than the mere matter of term fees.”
“Well, don’t feel too sorry for me,” Kaname retorted sarcastically. “It’s a path I chose for myself. I wouldn’t ever choose anything else, and for that matter, it brought me this far. How about you? Don’t you want to be the best?”
“Well, that’s fine…” Momomi bowed her head. “But it’s fine to be good enough, right?”
“For you, perhaps,” Kaname said. “But I don’t compromise. I’m going to be the best, the absolute best. That’s the attitude I respect most of all.”
“Funny that you look up to Amane, then. Because she doesn’t care. I’m sure she works hard because she’s never found anything else to do with her life, not out of any drive!”
“I just want to beat her,” Kaname snapped. “That’s got nothing to do with respect. She’s someone I hold in contempt for that exact reason.”
“Liar.”
“So you know me that well, now, to say that?”
“A lot better than you know me,” Momomi said. She strode ahead without glancing back at Kaname.
For a long moment Kaname considered stopping and walking away. But that would be too childish. She didn’t intend to show any weakness, so she ran to catch up instead. “Well, perhaps that’s true,” she said more quietly. “But you’ve never made it easy for me to know you.”
“That’s nonsense,” Momomi said. “You just can’t recognise what you see, that’s all. It’s not my fault.”
Kaname was going to reply angrily when Momomi stopped dead. She almost walked into the shorter girl. “What?”
“I was just reflecting on how lost we were…”
They both looked out over the surface of the lake, silent for a moment, then for a few moments longer. Neither of them wanted to carry on, especially, so denial was the next best thing.
“What a grey sky,” Kaname said eventually, by way of a peace offering. “It’s definitely going to rain later today.”
“You’re probably right.” Momomi looked upwards thoughtfully.
“You know, this really hasn’t gone according to plan,” Kaname murmured.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but someone like you shouldn’t plan.” Momomi prodded her in a half-serious manner. “Leave that kind of thing to me.”
“You’re probably right.” Kaname sighed. “Do you have any important plans for vital campaign movements?”
“Well… none that can be executed with two minutes of break left.” Momomi frowned. “We kinda wasted it somehow.”
“It’s fine.” Kaname closed her eyes for a moment. “Well, I’ll see you at lunchtime. We have important things to talk about.”
“Yeah.”
Kaname gritted her teeth, remembering what she’d set out to do. As opposed to what she’d ended up doing. “Shall we go?”
Momomi glanced at her for a moment, surprised. Something like that was probably the closest her friend ever got to an apology. “Fine,” she said, turning away from the lake and heading back the other way. “It’s not like there’s anything to do around here.”
“You’re right.”
They walked back together, and despite the tenseness and the silence and their residue resentments, despite her pride and independence, Kaname knew that that way was better than going back apart. She didn’t know why, when all they ever did was row. But somehow, still, she preferred it like this. Not for the arguments themselves, not exactly, not now. But because, perhaps, there was something beyond them. If that was there, if that was possible, she’d definitely seize it. She wouldn’t have any doubts or fears any more. That was the only way to beat Amane.
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