Author's notes- The flashback sequence is a crossover between this series, chapter fifteen of my other series Mamoru Must Die! and chapter seventy-one of Shanejayell's series Arisugawa Locket. Enjoy... ------ "And now," a familiar voice said, "It's time once again for the Mireille Bouquet Show," the young woman said as the studio audience clapped, "Mireille's guests tonight will be Major Motoko Kusanagi, Sister Rosette, and Barney. And now, ladies and gentleman, here's Mireille Bouquet." The audience applauded loudly as the blonde host came out and bowed to everyone, "Thank you," she said, "And now, let's bring out my co-host; the Laurel to my Hardy, Kirika Yumura!" The audience applauded once again as the younger woman came out, taking her usual seat next to the hosts desk as Mireille sat in her chair. "Well folks," the Corsican announced, "Tonight we have a cyborg, a nun, and a... What's Barney again? I've never seen the show." "Some sort of children's television star, I think." Kirika answered. "Oh, I see," she said, "Anyways, we'll have them all out in a moment ladies and gentleman, but first it's time for viewer mail!" the blonde announced as the audience clapped their approval, "And the first letter's to me, 'Dear Mireille, I was watching one of those entertainment shows the other day, and was pleasantly surprised to see a segment on you and Kirika,' Wow, really? That's cool, 'Anyways, the host said that, in spite of your worldwide fame, you and Kirika were banned for life from some Japanese nightclub known as The Locket. Is this true and, if so, why?' signed 'Michelle' Well yes, that is true actually, but the incident is so long ago I can hardly remember..." "I do," Kirika chimed in. "K... Kirika," Mireille said, her face blushing a lovely shade of crimson as she looked at her co-host, "I don't think..." "You see Michelle," Kirika said, oblivious to her partner's look of warning, "We were asked to do a favor for a friend, and..." ---Flashback--- "Thanks again ladies," Setsuna said with a smile, "I can't thank the two of you enough for volunteering to watch the door like this." "Think nothing of it," Mireille said as she waved away the compliment, "It's the least we can do for Juri." "Mmm," Kirika nodded, adding, "Why do you need someone guarding the door again?" "Well..." the statuesque woman with the dark green hair said, "The Dimensional Tuner that allows The Locket to exist across multiple dimensions is somehow malfunctioning in this reality. As a result, we need someone out here to make sure no guys sneak in." "Don't worry Meioh-sama," Mireille said with a smile, "We won't let any guys get past us into The Locket. Isn't that right Kirika?" "Mmm." "Great, thanks again," Setsuna said, "With any luck Washu should have the stupid thing fixed before Juri-chan finds out about this. She already has enough worries to deal with," the woman said, thinking of the internet flame she'd read against The Locket earlier. As Setsuna left the two to go back into the nightclub, Mireille turned to her partner, "Now remember, no men can go in. Right?" "Mmm," Kirika answered, "No men." As the two stood outside watching the various ladies going in, two strangers came up to the door. Both were wearing fake wigs, as well as novelty glasses to conceal their appearance. "Hello ladies," Mireille said with a smile, "Looking for some romance?" "Uh... Huh huh... Yeah, we're gonna score," the "lady" with the braces said. "Yeah, yeah!" the other added, "We're going to get chicks with big boobies!" "Mmm," Kirika said, adding, "Do either of you know what time it is?" "Uh... It's high noon on my sun dial," the first one said. "He he, yeah, Boioioing!" the second one said. "Well, have fun," Mireille said as she allowed the pair to go in. ------ Haruka parked her convertible into the empty space as she turned to Michiru sitting in the passenger seat, "So," the blonde said as she flashed a roguish grin, "How are you enjoying our anniversary so far?" Michiru smiled silently as she leaned over to the taller woman, hugging her affectionately. The two kissed, and Haruka then turned the engine off. "I've reserved your favorite table," the racecar driver and Senshi of the Winds said, "The one by the bookshelf." The artist holding Haruka's arm smiled up into her green eyes, "You can be so romantic when you want to be, Ruka-kun." Haruka chuckled good naturedly as they got out of the car and came up to The Locket entrance, "Hello ladies," the blonde said as she addressed the two women standing outside the entrance, "I..." "Mireille, look!" Kirika exclaimed pointing at Haruka, "A man!" "Quick," the Corsican said as both she and Kirika pulled out stun guns, "Get him!" "What?" the racecar driver cried, "Wait, there seems to be some mistake, I..." ZAP! Michiru looked on in horror as her love began flopping around on the ground foaming at the mouth. The Senshi of the Seas' henshin wand was in hand as she prepared to confront the inept doorkeepers, when the door to The Locket flung open and Nuku Nuku walked out dragging an angry young man with braces behind her with one hand as she clutched a fake wig in her other. "How in the hell did a guy get into the Locket?" the catgirl asked angrily. "Hey, let go," the young kid with the braces shouted, "Don't make me have to kick your ass!" "What?" Mireille asked incredulously as Haruka continued to flop around at her feet, "A guy got past us?" "No, two guys got past you," Nuku Nuku answered furiously, "this one we caught early, but his friend got into the sake before we could stop him." At that Setsuna strolled out, dragging behind her a teenage boy who was wearing his shirt over his head, "Damn it!" she yelled angrily at the kid, "What in the hell's wrong with you?" "Are you threatening me?" he asked in a strange accent, "I am the Great Cornholio! I have come to Japan to get teepee for my bunghole!" "Ruka darling," Michiru asked as she cradled her love's head in her lap, "Say something, are you okay?" "Uuuhhh..." the blonde groaned, her hair sticking up straight as smoke continued to rise up from her, "Wh... What happened?" "What happened here?" Setsuna asked angrily. As she and the others stared angrily at Kirika and Mireille, an intoxicated young man stumbled into The Locket unobserved, "I asked you two to guard the entrance, and instead you let two obnoxious teenage gaijin in here and attacked one of our regular customers!" she then threw the young delinquent to the curb and went to help Michiru get Haruka to her feet. "Well..." Mireille began as Nuku Nuku threw the other teenage troublemaker to the curb as well, "You see, it was like this..." "Urgh..." Setsuna groaned as she thought of what might happen should Juri find out about any of this, "I'm terribly sorry about this Ruka," she said to the still dazed Senshi, "Tonight's meal will be on the house," she said as Priss Asagiri strolled out of the nightclub's entrance with Urd, Mara and Ryoko, the four women leading out the inebriated young man who'd snuck by the others a few minutes earlier. "Th... Thanks," the racecar driver said as she and Michiru went into the Club, the tomboy leaning heavily on her love's shoulder. Setsuna then turned to Mireille and Kirika. "And as for you two!" the Time Senshi said angrily... ---End Flashback--- "...And that's what happened," Kirika finished. She turned to see Mireille burying her face in her hands. "Remind me again why I didn't kill you back at the mansion?" the blonde groaned. "Mmm... I think you later told me it had something to do with the way I could use my tongue to..." "NEVER MIND!" Mireille yelled, "Here, read your letter." "Mmm. 'Dear Kirika, I'm your biggest fan, your truest fan, you might say. I'm just curious to know if you've ever regretted choosing Mireille over Chloe?' No, because while Chloe may have been the true Noir, Mireille is my true love." The Corsican smiled at her partner as a warm feeling welled up within her, "I love you too, Kirika," she said, reaching over to stroke the younger woman's cheek, "I'm sorry I got upset with you just now darling." "Mmm," Kirika purred, closing her eyes and smiling as she leaned into the host's hand. "Are their any other letters?" Mireille asked. Suddenly, the same mysterious figure in the green cloak and Groucho glasses that appeared last time returned with another letter in one hand, and a pen in another. "One more," she said as she passed Mireille the letter. She then smiled at Kirika and left the stage. "Ah, okay," the host said, "This one's addressed to me, 'Dear Mireille, roses are red, violets are greener,' oh, a poem. Okay, 'You now have your own talk show, who cares, you're a wiener.' Urgh! Signed 'Emma Fatass' but you're not fooling me you jerk! You think you're real funny, don't you? Listen, all you're doing is making it worse for yourself when I finally get a hold on you, I..." "Mireille, the show. Remember?" "(sigh) You're right Kirika. Anyways, here's our first guest. She's a cyborg who works for Public Security Section Nine of the Japanese National Public Safety Commission, here's Major Motoko Kusanagi." The audience clapped exuberantly as a scantily clad woman walked out wearing a black leather jacket over a strapless leotard and thigh-high combat boots. She proceeded to take the seat nearest the host as Kirika moved down a seat. "Wow," Mireille said as she eyed her guest, "That's quite the outfit. And people say my black mini-skirt is too revealing." "Well," the Major began as the barest hint of a smile became evident, "In my line of work you learn to become less self-conscious." "So," Kirika said as she studied the guest, "Can you change yourself into a car or anything like that?" Major Motoko gave her a look, "I'm a cyborg, not a transformer." "Oh," Kirika said, sounding disappointed. "Yes," the Major said, "I'm entirely cybernetic now, and for all I know my memories at this point may not even be mine. I tend to sometimes be a bit brooding and introverted because of this, and there are times I wonder whether or not I still retain a soul. I..." "You hear that Kirika," Mireille said as she interrupted her guest, "Someone's trying to steal your 'most depressing anime chick' title." "Mmm," the co-host said as she looked at her competition angrily, "Work your own side of the street," she said threateningly to the now befuddled Major. "Well," the blonde host said as she smiled back at the audience, "Our next guest is a nun who fights demons and blows shit up. Here she is, the pride of the Magdalene Order, Sister Rosette." The audience applauded as the sister walked out on stage and sat next to Major Makoto. She nodded her head graciously as she smiled at the host. "Thank you for having me on," she said. Mireille smiled back. "Thank you for coming," the Corsican answered, "Wow, where to begin? I mean, as a Catholic nun, I'm sure you've got plenty of opinions on everything from The DaVinci Code to the new Pope to women's ordinations, but that's not why you're out here of course. Now, am I correct when I say you kill monsters and destroy large chunks of property in the process?" "Well, we in the church prefer the term 'exorcism' in regards to fighting demons," the nun pointed out, "And as for the property damage, that wasn't my fault." "I see," Mireille said, "It also says here you have a devil who works with you in fighting demons, right?" "Yes, Chrono. He's currently helping a friend of ours back at the nunnery to prepare weapons for use in exorcisms." "Fascinating," the blonde murmured, "Now, as an 'exorcist,' I assume you have some martial arts training?" "Absolutely," Sister Rosette said, "In fact, I have a black belt in nun-fu." Major Motoko raised an eyebrow, "Nun-fu?" "Yes," the nun answered, smiling as she nodded her head, "It's a form of martial arts utilizing a twelve-inch ruler as a weapon. Most strikes are to the wrist, the back of the hand, and the back of the head." "Interesting," Mireille said as she turned to her co-host, "Kirika, you had some experience with nuns haven't you?" "Mmm," the younger woman answered, "The Soldat nuns at the mansion we had to kill." "The Soldats?" Sister Rosette asked as she made a face, "They aren't Catholic. They're schismatics, just like the Anglicans and the Eastern Orthodox. The Catholic Church doesn't recognize them or their order." "How do you like that?" the host quipped as she addressed her partner again, "Those crazy women weren't even real nuns!" "Mmm." "Well, it's now time for our last guest. He's some sort of character on a kids show or something from the US, here's Barney." "Hello boys and girls," a goofy sounding voice said as something large and purple started to make its way onto the stage. "Mireille, look!" Kirika cried out in alarm, "It's a monster!" "Holy shit!" Mireille said as she began to look for her baseball bat in order to defend her co-host and guests. "Wha..." the large purple thing that resembled a dinosaur said, "Wait a sec, I think there might be a misunderstanding here, I..." "Everyone, get behind me!" Sister Rosette ordered, "Lord, please save the lost lambs." The nun prayed as she whipped a blessed gun from a hip holster underneath her nun's habit. She then proceeded to blast the demonic purple monster in the head and chest, breathing a sigh of relief as the demon fell motionless to the ground. "Wow," Major Motoko said, visibly impressed by the young nun's quick reflexes. "Sister, you... You saved us," Mireille said as smoke continued to rise from the fiend's bullet wounds. "Mmm," Kirika added. "Ah, it was nothing," the nun said cockily, "In fact, that was just about the easiest exorcism I've ever been involved in. Normally I'd need Chrono's help or some other backup, but this demon was a wuss." "Nevertheless, we're grateful," the blonde host said appreciatively, "Although I wonder what ever happened to Barney?" "Maybe the purple thing got him," Kirika suggested. "Hmm, possibly," the Corsican said thoughtfully, "Oh well. Tune in next time when our guests will be Lupin III, Mugen, and Catwoman. Till next time, bye." -To Be Continued- End Notes- Let's see... Major Motoko Kusanagi is from Ghost in the Shell, Sister Rosette is from Chrono Crusade, Setsuna, the drunk guy who stumbled into The Locket when no one was looking, Haruka and Michiru are all from Sailor Moon, the two dudes who snuck into The Locket were of course Beavis and Butt-head, Washu and Ryoko were from Tenchi Muyo, Nuku Nuku was from All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku, Mara and Urd are from Ah! My Goddess, Priss Asagiri is from Bubblegum Crisis, and of course Barney is from the lowest bowels of hell.
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