"And now," an almost emotionless voice said over the background noise of a madly cheering audience, "It's time once again for the Mireille Bouquet show. Tonight's guests are Steve Irkel, Chibi Moon, and Ernest P. Worrel. And now, ladies and gentleman, let's hear it for Mireille Bouquet." The audience once again applauded exuberantly as the blonde host came out on stage, "Thank you, thank you very much," she said as she bowed to the adoring crowd, "And now, let's hear it for my co-host, the Bert to my Ernie, Kirika Yumura!" The studio rocked with the sound of clapping as the somber-looking co-host came out and likewise bowed. The two then went to the stage to take their seats for the opening dialogue. "Wow," the host said, "Irkel, Chibi Moon and Ernest. Three characters that a surprising number of people find irritatingly annoying, eh Kirika?" "Mmm," the young Japanese woman said as she nodded, "Mireille..." "Don't worry," the host said, "I've got my bat all shined up nice behind the desk here, but let's hope I don't have to use it." "Mmm." We'll be bringing out our first guest momentarily," Mireille said to the audience, "But before we do, it's time once again for viewer mail!" she announced to cheering from the people in the studio. She then began to look around her desk with a puzzled expression, "What th... Where are the letters?" she asked, "Can we have someone bring out the viewer mail?" A mysterious young woman with magenta colored hair pulled back into a ponytail came out onto the stage. She wore a green cloak, black boots that ended in a pair of kneepads, and a pair of Groucho glasses on her face to disguise her appearance. She silently passed Mireille the letters and turned to leave, stopping briefly to wink out at the audience before disappearing off stage. Mireille smiled as she separated her fan mail from Kirika's, the co-host watching with a disturbed look from her seat. "Mireille?" "Yes?" "Who was that person?" Kirika asked suspiciously, "I have the strangest feeling I've seen her before." "I'm not sure," the blonde said, "I think she's the new girl in the mail room." "Mmm." "And the first letter's for me, ‘Dear Mireille, you have such beautiful platinum blonde hair, why is it your roots are so dark?' Doh! Signed ‘Rod Johnson,' but the handwriting's the same as those others. It's you again, isn't it Mr. mysterious prankster? When I solve the mystery of who you are and get my hands on you, I'll rip your lungs out! I'll... Grrr... Kirika, read your letter." "Mmm. ‘Dear Kirika, Mireille has mentioned that after the two of you left assassination behind, you worked briefly at a Denny's. Were there any other jobs the two of you tried your hand at before hosting this show? Mmm...'" the former assassin muttered, looking thoughtful as a flood of memories began to rush back... -Flashback- The blonde Corsican and her young Japanese partner stood before a conveyer belt. They were wearing large white aprons and chef's hats, both taking in the surroundings of their new job as their new boss walked into the room with them. "Okay ladies," the female manager began, "It's simple; the chocolates come down the conveyer belt, you wrap them in the little paper wrappers, and then set them aside. Got it?" "Mmm." Kirika answered, adding, "Wasn't this in an I Love Lucy episode once?" "Hush," Mireille said. She then turned to their manager, "We'll do fine." "Good," their manager said. She then turned to the wall where the conveyer belt disappeared into a shoot that would send out the chocolates, "Let ‘er roll!" she shouted. As the conveyer belt started up and the manager left the room, Mireille turned to Kirika. "When did you ever see I Love Lucy?" "One of our hits was watching it before I sliced his head in half with a butter knife, remember?" "Oh yeah," the Corsican said as the chocolates began to come down the line toward the two women. At first, the ex-assassins had no problem keeping up with the conveyer belt, wrapping up each sweet that came down the line and setting it aside. Soon though, one slipped by them, then a second. Mireille went after the two, only to have several more get by in her absence. Kirika tried her best to make up the slack for the older woman, but soon enough her rhythm was completely thrown off as well. She began desperately stuffing them into her shirt and in her chef's hat as Mireille raced back in line next to her, likewise stuffing them into her hat and even her mouth in an attempt to keep up with the line. Suddenly a set of footsteps alerted the two to the approach of their manager. "Ririra!" Mireille cried out to her partner with a mouth full of chocolate-covered cherries, "Rut roh!" "Mmm," Kirika answered before stuffing her own mouth with the chocolates. The two finished hiding the chocolates just in time as their manager strolled in. "Well," their supervisor said as she smiled broadly at the two, "It looks like you're doing better than expected. That means we can speed the line up a bit," she exclaimed cheerfully. Mireille and Kirika's eyes opened wide at that. They gave each other a worried glance, looked at their manager, then at the conveyer belt, then at each other once again. "Ririra..." the Corsican managed to get out, her mouth still full of sweets. "Mmm," her dark-haired partner answered as she pulled out the semiautomatic she had hidden on her and blasted their supervisor away. -End Flashback- "I plead the fifth," Kirika finally said in response to the letter. "Probably a good idea," Mireille answered as she opened her next letter, "'Dear Mireille, for some reason whenever I watch your show I seem to get an echo on the audio. Maybe it would help if you crossed your legs'? Urgh! It's signed ‘Hugh Jass' but I know it's you out there! You have no idea what I'm going to do to you, you little... Ooo..." she said angrily as she clenched her fists, a vein sticking out of her forehead as she glared angrily at the letter, "Why are all these stupid things being addressed to me?" "Mireille?" "It couldn't be the Soldats. After we were declared the true Noir, they've left us alone." "Mireille?" Kirika interrupted again, this time a bit more forcefully. "Oh, right," the blonde said, "Go ahead with your next letter." "Mmm. ‘Dear Kirika, I think you have a cute face and a sweet smile,'" she read, blushing slightly as a smile indeed crept onto her face, "'However, I am just a bit surprised that you decided to be with Mireille. I always thought Chloe was a better match for you. The two of you looked so good together, and I know she loved the kiss you shared with her in the bath. I...'" the young Japanese woman was cut off as Mireille tore the letter away from her. "Viewer mail's over!" the blonde hissed through clenched teeth, "And now let's bring out our first guest," she said, taking a deep breath to calm herself before she continued, "Originally a supporting character on the show Family Matters, he eventually stole the lead role and consequently drove the series into the ground. Let's hear it for Steve Irkel." A smattering of clapping was heard as the klutzy nerd strolled out onto the stage, his tight pants pulled up to his navel. He sat down in the seat nearest the host and gave the Corsican a dirty look as he pushed his thick Coke-bottom glasses up the bridge of his nose. "What kind of an introduction was that?" he asked in an annoying nasally voice. "Sorry Steve," the host said as she lazily tossed a few of her blonde locks back, "I'm just having a bad day, I guess." "Mmm," Kirika added, "There's a mysterious prankster going after her." "What?" Steve asked, "You mean those aging hippies in California?" Mireille shook her head, "No, not Merry Pranksters," she corrected, "A Mysterious prankster. Someone's writing me rude letters." "Oh." "Yeah." "Mmm." "So," Mireille said, "According to this, you're some sort of genius, especially with electronics and mechanics." "Well," Irkel said, smiling self-assuredly, "That's true. I once created a robot version of myself, and..." "Really?" Kirika interrupted, "What kind of weapons did it have?" "Well, I..." "Did you program it to kill your enemies, or just cripple them?" the co-host asked as she interrupted again. "Kirika!" the blonde host said as she gave the young woman a stern look, "Wait until I'm done with my questions, okay?" "Mmm. Sorry mistress... er... Mireille," the younger woman said as the Corsican buried her head in her hands out of embarrassment. "Why is my day going like this?" the blonde asked as she rolled her eyes. Finally she looked back up and addressed Irkel again, "Anyways, I was wondering, since you're such a whiz with mechanics, do you think you could fix a watch for me?" "A watch?" the guest asked. "Mmm," Kirika answered, "It's very important to Mireille, and was broken a while back during a battle in which I had to kill a young woman named Chloe." "Oh. Sure thing," he said as he pulled out a screwdriver from his pant's pocket, "Let me see the watch." "Here," Mireille said as she passed it to the young genius, "It's supposed to play a song when you open the cover. Please be careful; it's a family heirloom," she explained before turning back to the audience, "And now for our next guest. She's a rather controversial figure, as people either seem to love her for being so sweet or hate her guts for being overly cute and seemingly having an Electra complex big time for her future father Mamoru. If there are any viewers out there who suffer from hyperglycemia we urge you to leave the room now. Let's hear it for Sailor Chibi Moon!" There was a mix of both clapping and booing from the audience as the future daughter of Neo-Queen Serenity came out on stage. The pink-haired youngster took a seat next to the nerd working on the watch and gave the host a look. "That wasn't very nice," the young Senshi in training pouted, "I've only had an adverse affect to a few diabetics and you know it!" "Do you need any help?" Kirika asked Irkel. "No thanks, babe," Steve answered as he continued to work away next to Chibi Moon, "I'll have this clock lens off in no time." "So, Chibi Usa," Mireille said, ignoring her guest's angry glare, "I understand you have a thing for dream horses and annoying the hell out of your future mother." "Pegasus is not just a dream horse!" the youngster exclaimed, "He's real, and..." "We had your future mom on the show not that long ago," Kirika said. "Mine?" Irkel asked. "No, Chibi Usa's." "Oh." "Well," Chibi Usa interrupted irritably, "If you had her on, you'll understand why I can't get along with the woman!" "What?" the co-host asked in surprised, "Mireille and I thought she was a sweet and entertaining young lady." "Humph. To each their own, I guess," Chibi Moon said snidely. Mireille looked from her diminutive guest over to the audience, a dangerous look in her eyes, "Before things go any further," she said, her eye beginning to twitch slightly, "Let's bring out our last guest. He's the star of a series of horrible movies that apparently appeal to inbreeds and hicks. Here he is folks, Ernest P. Worrel." The guest in question came out, wearing his trademark vest and hat. He smiled goofily as he waved out at the audience, "Hey Verne!" he said cheerfully, "Check it out; I'm on French television!" "Oh goody," Chibi Usa quipped from her seat, "I get to sit next to the loud obnoxious American." "So," Mireille said, "As I noted in the intro, you've starred in several rather awful films." "Awful?" Ernest asked, obviously offended, "Listen here, I..." "They were playing Ernest Goes to Camp on television last week," Kirika said, "I watched it." "Really?" Ernest asked, "I..." "All ninety minutes of it," she added, a sad and lost look now present in her eyes. "Kirika?" Mireille asked in concern. "Ninety minutes of my life I'll never get back. Ever," the young co-host said as tears began to form at the corners of her eyes. "So," Mireille said, pressing on with the interview, "Other than making bad films and cute little ex-assassins cry, what else do you do exactly?" "Well," Ernest said, "I like to keep myself busy; you know what I mean Mireille? I like to fish, hunt..." "And avoid taking baths," Chibi Usa added as she made a face, "Good God, don't they have soap in America?" "Do you mind?" Ernest asked angrily, "The nice French lady with the hairy armpits is trying to ask me questions, and I can answer her fine without any help from you. So why don't you go to the local automobile club, and show them what a real wreck looks like." "WHAT?" Chibi Usa asked as her face turned red with anger. "Will you two keep it down?" Irkel asked in his annoyingly nasal voice, "This is delicate work I'm doing over here!" "Mmm," Kirika interrupted as the show began breaking down, "Maybe we should all calm down, and..." "And maybe you should go get yourself a personality transplant," Chibi Usa said, causing the young co-host to look down sadly. Mireille's eye was now twitching madly as she scowled angrily at Chibi-Usa, "Young lady," she hissed, "If you ever talk to Kirika like that again, I'll..." "Hey, I know," Ernest said, "Why don't you send her off to boot camp? That's what all those other talk shows do to bratty little punks." "Bratty little... Why you..." Chibi Usa growled as Steve Irkel continued to work away on the watch that had belonged to Mireille's parents, "Listen her you trailer-park trash hillbilly!" "I told you before you pink-haired rat," Ernest answered back, "Sit back and shut up while I'm being interviewed." "Pink-haired..." Chibi Moon stuttered out as she whipped out her henshin wand, "Right, you asked for it!" she declared, "Pink Sugar Heart Attack!" she shouted. Everyone on stage looked at her strangely as nothing happened. Ernest P. Worrel was about to suggest she go replace the wand's batteries when a stream of pink hearts suddenly flew out of its tip. The recoil from the attack sent her backwards, knocking herself into Steve Irkel who was doing some particularly delicate work on Mireille's watch. Ernest managed to luckily duck in time to miss the Senshi attack. Unfortunately, the attack instead hit the blonde host in the face, knocking her out of her chair behind her desk. Chibi Usa meanwhile got off Irkel, who looked down to see his screwdriver was now driven through both the front and back of Mireille's watch by the force of the small Senshi falling on top of him. As he pulled the screwdriver out, all the internal screws and springs came out as well, falling all over the floor of the stage. He turned nervously to Kirika. "Did I do that?" he asked as a hand came up from behind the host's desk, holding onto the top of it for support. "Mmm," Kirika answered as a second hand came up from behind the desk, this one holding a baseball bat. The young Japanese co-host then stood up and walked over so that she was standing in front of the nerd. "This is all your fault, you big poop!" Chibi Usa shrieked at Ernest as Mireille's face finally appeared once again from behind the desk. She had a crazed look in her eyes, and her normally perfect blonde hair was frizzed out in all directions. She was also sporting a burn mark on her forehead in the shape of a heart. As she finally struggled to her feet, she gave Kirika a look. "Mmm," the younger woman said, knowing instinctively what the silent communication meant. She proceeded to lock Steve Irkel's head under her arm and fell backwards, driving the young nerd's head into the floor in the wrestling maneuver known as the bulldog. Before Chii Moon or Ernest had any time to react, Mireille swung her bat, hitting both of them in the back of the head. "Ah," Mireille said, looking down at the stunned and injured guests littering the stage floor, "Much better." "Mmm." "Tune in next time when our guests will be Major Motoko Kusanagi, Barney, and Sister Rosette. Until then, bye," she said as Kirika and herself waved at the camera, the clapping from the studio audience drowning out the groans coming up from the floor. -To Be Continued- End Notes: Dedicated to TwinBladeWarrior for suggesting the name Hugh Jass.
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