"And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's once again time for the Mireille Bouquet Show," a somber female voice announced to applause, "Mireille's guests tonight are Lupin III, Mugen, and Catwoman. And now, ladies and gentleman, here's your host; Mireille Bouquet." Loud clapping was heard as the beautiful Corsican host came out and bowed to the audience, "Thank you, thank you very much," the blonde said, "And now let's bring out my co-host; the Keith to my Mick, Kirika Yumura!" The audience once again cheered enthusiastically as the young Japanese woman appeared on screen next to Mireille. The two then made their way over to their chairs. "Well," the host said cheerfully, "Today certainly looks like it will be an exciting show." "Mmm." "Let's see, we have arguably the world's greatest thief, a hard drinking and lecherous samurai, and a grown woman who dresses like a cat and kicks people's asses for a living. We'll have them out in just a moment, but first it's time for viewer mail," Mireille said, a bit of hesitation in her voice as she looked at the letters in front of her. "Mireille?" Kirika asked in concern. "I just know there's going to be something insulting in there for me," the blonde said, "I..." her voice died away as her co-host reached over to gently stroke her shoulder, "Th... thank you," she said as she put her own hand over Kirika's, "Tell you what, would you be willing to read your letter first this time?" she asked as she passed a letter over to her co-host. "Mmm. 'Dear Kirika, back when you and Mireille were being hunted down by the Soldats, where there any assassins coming after the two of you that you remember more vividly than the others?' Yes, there were two. You see..." -Flashback- "So who does the Soldats want us to kill again?" the assassin driving the car asked. "Two women," the other answered, "Their names are Mireille and Kirika. Should be a cakewalk," he said as he gave his partner a sideways glance, "So how do you like France so far?" "It's wild, man," the black driver said as he turned the radio on. As sixties surf music began to blare out of the car's speakers, he noticed something off to the right, "Hey, was that a McDonald's?" "Yeah, they got McDonald's here in France," his long-haired partner answered, "I've been there. Do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese here in France?" "They don't call it a quarter pounder with cheese?" the driver asked as he pulled up to the apartment building where the two targets lived "No, the French use the metric system. They call it a royale with cheese," the other answered as they got out of the car and went into the building. Five minutes later found the two standing in the hallway outside Mireille Bouquet's apartment. "Look Vince," the black assassin said, "All I'm saying is that I find it a bit extreme for him to dump the guy out a fourth story window for massaging his wife's feet." "You don't massage the feet of another man's wife," the white assassin answered back as he checked his watch. He turned to his partner and nodded his head. The two assassins then proceeded to kick the apartment door in and began blasting away with their semi-automatics, unaware of the two figures entering the hallway behind them. Once the clips in both their handguns were empty and the smoke cleared, the two were able to get a clear look inside the apartment. "Hey Jules," the white assassin said, "No one's even here." "A-HEM!" a woman's voice said behind them. Turning around, both assassins saw a blonde and a young Japanese woman in the hall, both holding guns in one hand as they carried grocery bags in the other. "Oh shit..." the black assassin murmured. Bang! Bang! -End Flashback- "...And those two stand out because they were quite possibly the most inept assassins sent after us," Kirika said as she finished recounting the story. "Amen to that," Mireille answered, "And the next letter's for me," she said nervously as she opened it, "'Dear Mireille, the dumb blonde says what.' What... DOH! The son-of-a-bitch signed it 'Joe Momma' this time, but that doesn't fool me! I will find you, you hear me?" the host shrieked as she clenched her hands and a vein stuck out of her forehead, "Grrrr... We'll have our first guest out just as soon as I simmer down a bit. In the meantime, here's a commercial from our newest sponsor." ------ -Commercial Break- The AC/DC song Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap began to play in the background as a small kid is seen being picked on by others in a school hallway. "Are you being harassed and bullied at school?" a young woman's voice asks. The scene changed to a corporate setting where a manager was yelling at a timid employee in his small cubby office. "Or perhaps you're being belittled and humiliated in your workplace." A final scene showed a large muscular man on a beach kicking sand into a smaller man's face. "Are you sick of it?" the woman asks, "Are you ready to do something about it?" "If so, contact me." The AC/DC song became louder as a young brunette appeared on the screen, smiling into the camera. "Hello," she said as she bowed slightly, "My name's Nabiki Tendou, and if you've had enough sand kicked in your face and taking it from others, I can help. With my well-tested skills at graft and blackmail, to say nothing of my capital investment schemes that include betting on fights and selling private photos of others to the highest bidder, you could well be on your way to turning things around both in your public and private life. It's simple; I'll teach you my tried and true methods of both conning and extorting money from others, and soon you'll be paying others to take care of that bully at school, blackmailing your boss into giving you plumb raises, and you can buy your own beach property and have those musclemen who have bullied you in the past banned from your beach!" "So call today and I can..." she was cut off as a cute redhead with her hair pulled back into a ponytail ran onto the set. "Hot water!" the girl begged, "Quick!" "You know the price Ranma," Nabiki said calmly, watching with satisfaction as the frantic young woman pulled out a huge wad of cash and passed it over. The brunette then passed her a kettle of hot water, and turned back to the camera as the other young woman ran off screen with the warm water. "Anyways, call me at 1-800-EXTORTION," she said as the number appeared on the screen, "That's 1-800..." "Aaaaa!" a young man screamed off screen, "You didn't have to make it that hot, damn it!" "Shut up, I'm doing my commercial!" Nabiki yelled. She then turned to the camera and smiled once again, "Anyways, that number was 1-800-Extortion. You're just a call away from changing your life." -End Commercial Break- ------ "Dirty deeds..." Mireille sang with her eyes closed as she bopped around in her chair, lost in the music of the AC/DC song used in the commercial. "Uh, Mireille," Kirika murmured. "...done dirt cheap, dirty..." "Mireille!" "Oh, what is it?" the Corsican asked as she continued dancing in her chair. "We're back on the air," her co-host explained. Mireille's eyes widened in horror as she looked at the red light of the studio camera pointing at her, "Eep... Er, uh... Hello folks, he he..." she said as she laughed nervously. "Mireille, our first guest." "Guest? Oh, right! Our guest!" the blonde stuttered out as she fought to compose herself, "Yes, of course. Our first guest is a master thief and all-around rascal. Ladies and gentleman, the grandson of Arsene Lupin, here's Lupin III." The audience began to applaud as a lanky looking man came out in a three piece suit. He grinned self confidently as he took the seat Kirika had cleared for him, leaning back in it as he rested his feet up on Mireille's desk. "Hey babe," he said as he locked his eyes on the host. The Corsican narrowed her eyes. "Mr. Lupin," she said in a low tone, "First of all, you need to get your feet off my desk. Secondly, my name's not 'babe,' it's Mireille. And thirdly, my eyes are up here," she said as she pointed to her face. "Oops," Lupin said, "Sorry toots." Mireille's left eye began to twitch as she attempted to continue with the interview, "Let's see, it says here you have a gang that works with you made up of a hired gun named Jigan, a samurai named Goemon, and a woman by the name of Fujiko..." "Yeah, but let's not talk about them," Lupin said as he leaned over on Mireille's desk, "Let's talk about us." "Us?" the blonde asked. "Of course," the roguish thief said as he grinned broadly, "I haven't earned my reputation as a ladies man for nothing, you know. And you look like the kind of woman who..." Lupin III stopped when he felt a small tapping on his shoulder behind him. "Lupin-san," Kirika said, "I don't think you should..." "Go away kid, ya bother me," the thief said acerbically. He then grinned once again at the blonde host as he leaned toward her, "Now where was I? Oh yeah, you seem like the kind of woman who could... Urk!" he gasped as he suddenly found a cake knife pressed against his throat from behind. "Mireille's mine," a deadly serious Kirika growled out, "Back off." As the badly shaken master thief sat back in his chair and the young Japanese co-host put her weapon away, Mireille turned to the camera and smiled. "Well, now that that's out of the way," the blonde said, "It's time to bring out our next guest. He's a hard drinking samurai whose major interests include eating dumplings, getting into fights, and chasing after large-breasted women..." "Sounds like my kind of guy!" Lupin said enthusiastically as Mireille made a face. "Terrific, now there'll be two of them," she groaned, "Anyways, here he is; Mugen." The audience applauded once again as a samurai came out with unkempt hair sticking up at wild angles and a bottle of sake in his hand. As Lupin III and Kirika moved down for him, he sat down and took a long swig of his drink, not even acknowledging the others on the stage with him. "Um, Mr. Mugen?" Mireille said. "Yeah babe, what's up?" the samurai asked as he pulled the bottle from his lips. "Don't call her that," Lupin interjected, "Trust me on this one," he said, motioning over to Kirika. Mireille rolled her eyes as she tried to interview the obnoxious swordsman, "Now, it says here you were born in a penal colony on the Ryukyu islands, and that you travel with another samurai and a young lady." "Yeah," Mugen said distastefully, "Fuu and Jin. Jin is just a pompous windbag. The guy thinks he's all that, but he can't even take me in a fight. And as for Fuu, well, the girl over there reminds me a bit of her," he said, pointing with his thumb over to Kirika. "Really?" Mireille asked, "You mean she's a cute little..." "No," Mugen broke in, "She's flat chested too," he said as he brought the bottle back up to his lips. The studio suddenly became deathly quiet, the only sound coming from the jerk of a samurai drinking his sake. As Kirika looked sadly down at her chest, the host gave the audience a knowing look. "It's coming folks, don't worry," she said as Mugan let out a large belch, "But first, let's bring out our last guest. She started out as a villain way back in the spring of 1940 in Batman issue one, but has more recently been fighting more or less on the right side of the law. Here she is, looking great for her age, Catwoman." The audience applauded as the famous DC Comics character came out wearing a costume she appeared to have been poured into, with a whip hanging from her hip. She sat down next to the host, ignoring the leers Mugen and Lupin III were giving her. "Catwoman, good to have you on my show," Mireille said with a smile. "Good to be here," the heroine answered, "Of course, it's good to be anywhere after that damned 2004 film nearly ruined me." "Catwoman," someone said irately from one of the guest's chairs. "What? No way! The blonde one does!" another voice argued back. Mireille looked over, her face slowly turning red. "What in the hell's going on over there?" the host asked. "It's Lupin and Mugen," Kirika said from her seat, "They're arguing over whether you or Catwoman have the larger breasts." "THAT'S IT!" the Corsican screamed as she pulled her by now famous Louisville Slugger out from behind her desk. "Mireille," Catwoman said as she pulled out her whip, "May I..." "Of course you can join in," the host said graciously, "Right Kirika?" "Mmm," the co-host nodded, "After all, you're our guest," she said as she stood up and proceeded to pick up her chair. She then smashed it against the back of Lupin's head. As the roguish master thief fell to the floor clutching the back of his head in agony, Mugen began to reach back towards the sword he kept strapped to his back. He was stopped, however, when Catwoman's bullwhip grabbed onto his wrist. Before he could react, he was knocked out cold by a baseball bat to his cranium. "You didn't kill him, did you?" Catwoman asked. "Who, Mugen?" Mireille asked incredulously, "If half the stuff I've heard about him is true, it would take a lot more than a bat to the head to keep him down." "Mmm." Kirika answered as Lupin III began to slowly crawl offstage. "Well, that's the show for tonight," Mireille said, "Be sure to come back next time when we'll be having a special world affairs episode. As you all know, right now there's a lot of tension in the world, and France and the US are not exactly on friendly terms. Well, next time we're going to have two retired US military officers on, as well as someone from the South American country of Cuba to give us his views on the war on terror and the US' encroachment into other parts of the world. So tune in next time when our guests will be Scarlet, Lady Jaye, and Tony Montana. 'Till then, bye." -To Be Continued- End Notes: Jules and Vincent were of course the assassins from Pulp Fiction, Nabiki Tendou and Ranma are from Ranma 1/2, Lupin III is from the series named after him, Mugen is from Samurai Champloo, and Catwoman is from DC Comics.
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