She felt the cold wall behind her, felt the hot body in front of her. She smelled the alcohol, the dirt and the sweat. Nausea increased in her belly but she knew that she wasn’t allowed to threw up her lunch. “You little whore.” She heard the low voice next to her ear. Hot breathe run over her cheeks and she turned her head away. But she knew that she couldn’t turn away from him. She pressed her closed eyelids harder together and tried to think of nothing. Especially not at him. Her shirt was ripped off and she felt another cold on her body. “You little...” She didn’t listen to his voice. Her fists were clenched, touched the dirty wall behind her. She wanted to beat him down, to push him away, to save herself. But at the same time she knew that she couldn’t. The price for her own freedom would have been too high. Again she felt the cold wall behind and now the cold wind in front of her body. Again she felt his hands touching her rudely. Then her world exploded and all remained was pain. Never ending humiliation. Haruka sat upright in her bed, looking wildly into the darkness of the bedroom. Her breathe was fast and her pyjama wet. Sweaty strands of her short blonde hairs fell in her green eyes that stared shocked at something only she could see. Then she slowly realized where she was and calmed herself down. But she couldn’t oppress the trembling of her body. Nor the silent sobs that tried to escape her throat. The senshi of the wind slowly turned her head and looked down at her girlfriend who laid next to her in the wide bed and slept deep and tight. It had been an exiting evening with Hotaru. The little girl felt weaker in the evening and cried when she had to take her bath. She didn’t want to and as the hours passed the fever returned. It was late after midnight before the future senshi of death finally fell asleep and they could go to bed, too. What will you do when Hotaru’s fine again and she wants to love you? Haruka swallowed hard but couldn’t touch her Michiru. She didn’t find an answer as she find none for so many questions. That were haunting her down every day. Like the nightmares that haunted her down every night. It’s just a silly nightmare! Haruka rose slowly from the bed and went over to the bathroom. She fluctuate and almost stumbled over her blanket that laid on the carpet. She swallowed hard as she closed the door silently behind her and stepped into the shower. As she did so many times the last nights. For over four weeks now. It’s just a silly nightmare. Haruka cowered down on the cold underground and switched on the shower. She knew too well that it hadn’t been just a silly nightmare... The young racer oppressed a desperate sob as she covered her burning face with her ice cold hands and welcomed the darkness that surrounded her with a sudden. That also scared her a lot. She kept cowering in the corner of the cabin and tried to think of nothing. But as always it didn’t work. Still she heard the rude words in her ears. Still she felt the pain flashing through her body. I’ve been too weak! She swallowed hard and bowed her head. Her shoulder hang and she didn’t even feel the cool water running down her body. She didn’t even mention that she still wore her pyjama. Now it was really wet. It’s over a month now... The doctor told her that she would get the results of the test within four weeks. That had been one day after the battle. Haruka was very frightened every day she opened her mailbox. But there was no letter from the hospital. Only advertising and some fan letters for her or Michiru. What if it’s positive? She swallowed hard and didn’t want to think at Himme-chan and her Michi-chan. That would be my death sentence... The young car racer shook her head in disbelieve and wet strands of her short hairs pasted to her frowned forehead. For two years she had have all she ever wanted. All she ever needed. And now all this should be over? She didn’t hear that the door was opened. She didn’t see that the light was switched on. She didn’t feel that the water changed it’s temperature. It wasn’t icy any longer. Now it became warmer and more comfortable. Haruka winced wildly as she suddenly felt two soft arms embracing her shaking body. She wanted to scream. To beat the intruder. To free herself. To run away until she would reach the end of the world – and die there. But at the next moment she heard the known, soft voice and knew that there was no reason for running away. “Hush.” Was all Michiru said while she embraced her lover from behind, pulled her closer and rocked her carefully. She leaned her head against Haruka’s shoulder and could feel how the taller senshi trembled fiercely. For a long time Michiru did nothing more than simply holding her girlfriend tight. Comforting her the way she could. Rocking her, stroking her. Kissing her neck. Haruka didn’t say anything. She simply sat there in the warm shower and felt her Michiru by her side. Felt her girlfriend’s love. And suddenly asked herself is she would be ever able again to love her – not only mental, but also with her body. As long as the test... Silently she started to sob and felt how the embracement got tighter. “What’s wrong?” asked Michiru after another long while and carefully took Haruka’s icy hands into her own warm ones. She loved those hands. There were strong but at the same time very sensitive. “Had a nightmare.” Mumbled Haruka and Michiru couldn’t see her lover’s expression because wet strands of short blonde hair covered a pale face with shadows. “I...” The young car racer took a deep breathe and swallowed hard. “I don’t wanna loose you.” Her voice was very low and very shaky. “Neither you nor Himme-chan...” Now the voice broke and was replaced by another silent sob. Michiru automatically pulled her Ruka tighter to her warm body and covered her neck again with little, loving kisses. “Hey, don’t stress yourself, Ruka. Hotaru’s feeling fine. Nothing happened to her during the fight. You could beat those guys down before they could have hurt our princess. And the flu’s over soon. Chibiusa’s already in school again and believe me till the next week-end our tomboy will be wild again.” Whispered Michiru and sighed deeply. “The attack of the guy wasn’t your fault, Ruka. And that they threaten Hotaru wasn’t your fault, too. You defended her, you brought her to hospital and you made sure that she has no nightmares over that day. So stop your own nightmares, Ruka. The guys aren’t worth it.” Haruka bowed her head a little bit more but didn’t respond anything. This was the right time to tell her lover the truth, but she simply couldn’t. She was too afraid of how Michiru would react. I don’t wanna hurt her. She knew that life wouldn’t be the same again after she’d told her. It wasn’t the same for herself after that day. But it wasn’t fair to ruin Michiru’s life, too. That’s all my fault. Because I had been too careless. Now I have to carry the consequences. But slowly she realized that those consequences were too heavy for her to carry. To carry them alone... Michiru hold her Ruka for the rest of the night, listened to her silent sobs and tried to calm her down. But suddenly she was very concerned about her. Haruka had never been that desperate. Not even during the final battle with Mistress 9 when they thought that they should kill Hotaru. Their Himme-chan they already loved as much as if the little girl would have been their own daughter. What’s wrong with her? But Michiru didn’t ask. She knew that she wouldn’t get an answer today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next week. When Haruka was ready to tell her what was haunting her really in her nightmares. “Don’t worry, Ruka, we’re always here for you. Himme-chan and I. I won’t ever leave you.” Whispered Michiru and hold her girlfriend tighter as she started even more to tremble. Haruka didn’t turn around to face her lover. She simply sat there, feeling the warm water on her skin, her girlfriend’s warm body next to her own one. Her dark green eyes widened as she heard the silent promise from her Michi-chan. She opened her mouth but she was unable to speak a word. To move. To do anything else than trembling. What shall I do when I am the one who is forced to leave you? *** It rained the whole day. So the whole school decided to have their festival inside. Although they couldn’t grill and the campfire wasn’t allowed in the corridors it was a loud, happy and exiting school festival. “Look, what we’ve made!” Chibiusa winked wildly at them as they entered the old building. It was very high and compared to the weather outside very warm. But Chibiusa was wearing a very thick pullover because her future mother didn’t want her to get ill again. Nor did Ikkuko. “Hello, honey.” Chibiusa left her class’s position and came over to them. The little girl laughed happily as she jumped into her best friend’s arms and the future Princess of Crystal Tokyo swirled around with her. “Dolls!” screamed Hotaru exited after Chibiusa let her go. The future senshi of death looked at the self made dolls. Boys and girls. They were wearing coloured kimonos and suits and had short and long hairs. And a big smile on their faces. “Do you want one, honey?” Chibiusa looked for a doll and gave it to a wild nodding Hotaru. The small girl jumped for luck and embraced her best friend tightly. It looks like her. Haruka looked down at the doll. It was a girl with shoulder long black hairs and a violet dress. It had a wild grin on it’s face and the dark eyes sparkled. Like the ones of her daughter right now while she stared proudly at her new toy and then at her parents. And at last at her best friend. “’gato.” Declared the little girl and laughed happily. “She’s got a doll and I didn’t!” Haruka and Michiru turned around as they heard the angry voice of a seventeen year old girl. Light blue eyes stared angry at innocent pink ones. “They aren’t free, Usagi. You have to buy them and you already wasted all your money. Without Haruka you wouldn’t even had the money to get into the zoo!” snapped Chibiusa back and greeted some students who passed by quickly. They knew Chibiusa's older >sister< and they knew too well how loud they both could scream in an argument. Usagi blushed deeply and tears filled her eyes. “But Hotaru didn’t pay them, too and they’re so cute!” Now she really started to cry. “Hotaru-honey is my best friend. And she doesn’t have any pocket money. Ikkuko gave you enough but you wasted it on silly toys, mangas and sweets. And now you’ll have to wait another week until you’ll get new money!” Chibiusa nodded determined and stepped warning between the toys and her crying future mother. Mamoru came after his girlfriend. Shortly he glanced at Michiru and Haruka and shrugged helpless but knowing his shoulders. He knew that he couldn’t interfere between them so he simply embraced his girlfriend and kept silent. The outer senshi exchanged glances and Haruka nodded slightly. “Shall we buy you one? As an early Christmas present?” asked the young violinist and immediately the tears stopped falling. “This is your seriousness, isn’t it?” asked Usagi and looked with her big eyes at the older young woman and a smile appeared on her face that was full of hope. Full of love. That belonged to Sailor Moon, their future Queen. “Hai, otherwise we would have to see you crying the whole day.” Teased Haruka and did a exaggerating gesture as if she was praying to the mighty gods. “You’re too good for this world.” Growled Chibiusa but handled them a toy. It looked like Usagi: Two long blonde plaits, one white dress and a giant grinning mouth. “It’s so cute! Arigato!” Before the outer senshi could react the girl had embraced them both. Then she turned away to show her new toy to her boyfriend. Mamoru smiled thankful at gave his Usako a short but loving kiss on her now redden cheeks. Michiru only frowned as she felt how Haruka winced away as Usagi embraced them in her great joy. An expression laid on the taller woman’s face Michiru couldn’t define. But before she could ask Haruka had turned away and took her small daughter into her arms again. Hotaru played exited with her new toy and showed it to her papa. The young car racer only smiled loving down at her. Two days passed since that night when Michiru found her Ruka at the ground of the shower. She tried to talk to her lover again about that incident but Haruka kept silent. Every time the young violinist wanted to discuss with her, Haruka was very busy with a sudden. Soon there’ll be the final race and she wanted to win this year’s Grand Prix of Japan. She left the house early in the morning, trained a lot and came back late in the evening. We didn’t even have the time to take a shower together. Michiru frowned again. She didn’t even touch and tease me how she always does. Thoughtful she stared at her lover and watched how she talked tenderly to her daughter who looked up at her with her big dark eyes. Love was written over her face all over. Love and unconditional trust. It’s five weeks now that we slept the last time together. Hai, the last weeks had been very busy. Haruka's races for the Grand Prix, Michiru’s beneficial concerts, Chibiusa’s and Hotaru’s illness. But somehow it was strange this time. Stranger than it had been every time before when they had to do a lot and simply didn’t find the time to share more than some kisses. Sometimes Michiru almost got the feeling that her Ruka was suddenly scared of her touches. She winced away each time she embraced her under the blanket. She left the shower very quickly when Michiru came into the bathroom to join her. Suddenly she wore tracksuits in the light house and preferred dark, inconspicuous, wide clothes. For weeks I didn’t see her running around in just a t-shirt. Or in our sleeping room – naked. Haruka loved it to tease her around in that way – until she was naked, too. But now she avoided it wherever she could. She even changed her clothes in the bathroom – with a locked door. I’ll have to talk to her – seriously! Michiru sighed slightly and looked into shinning blue eyes. She knew that this wasn’t the right place nor the right time. This was Chibiusa’s school festival and Michiru needed a time to talk to her Ruka on her own. At that moment the inner senshi and even Setsuna who was allowed to leave earlier from work, came to them and declared that they wanted to see everything of that nice school. The other agreed and soon Michiru forgot about her doubts. But only for some hours. *** She yawned oppressed as she stumbled downstairs and opened the heavy entrance door. She shivered as she ran towards the mailbox. Wild November wind was playing with her long sea green hairs and with a determined gesture she grabbed all the letters, the advertising and the newspaper and sneaked back into the warm house by the sea. Michiru often froze in the cold winter’s times so there were heatings overall in the house and even in the coldest winter it was at least as warm as spring in the huge walls covered with drawings. Michiru read the senders while she walked over to the kitchen. Hotaru was still sleeping and the girl wouldn’t wake up before nine o’clock. It was Sunday morning and this week it was her turn to make breakfast. Haruka was still under the shower and in about ten minutes she would come downstairs to tease her around that the rolls weren’t ready now, that the coffee wasn’t black enough and the marmalade, the senshi of wind bought by herself, was too sweet. Or she will simply sit down and watch me in silence as she did the past weeks. Michiru sighed oppressed and wanted to put the letters on the table as her eyes caught another letter. A small one with a formal imprint. It was addressed to Haruka and it was certainly not a fan letter or a bill of her fast race car. “What...” whispered Michiru and reached for a knife to open the letter. It took her three attempts till she got it. There were no secrets between them and shortly after Haruka moved into the light house by the sea five years ago, she declared to her girlfriend that she was allowed to open her letters – as long as it was not Christmas time and she would discover a present that would be for her – but not before Christmas Eve! Michiru’s heart stopped to beat as she read the few lines. She frowned her head and automatically sat down on a chair. She swallowed hard and couldn’t fight back her tears who filled her deep blue eyes. That’s why she behaved so strange. So differently. So hurt... Oh, Ruka! “Morning...” mumbled Haruka and crept into the kitchen. She wore a dark tracksuit and her hairs were still wet. Slowly she opened the fridge to drink some milk and frowned as she mentioned that she couldn’t smell any rolls. Nor coffee. She yawned and turned around to her girlfriend. And froze in motion. “What happened?” she asked alarmed and felt suddenly very weak. There was something in her lover’s eyes that made her shiver. Then she saw the letter in Michiru’s hands. Over five weeks now... “You’ve got post from Dr. Sagurasa-san.” Declared the young violinist with a quiet voice that sounded strange in her ears. Haruka felt like the ground disappeared and she would start to fall. The world spun around her and she seized hard on the kitchen’s cupboard. The milk still holding in her suddenly trembling hands. Her face became whiter than the wall and Michiru looked deeply into terrified green eyes. Then Haruka asked in a silent, almost insensible voice. “And the result?” Michiru shook her head as she saw how important that answer seemed to be for her girlfriend. For her lover. Her one and only woman in her whole life. Why should she do such a silly test? The answer is clear! “What have you expected, you baka? It’s negative.” She declared and crumbled the paper in her now icy hands. Straight she looked into Haruka’s pale face and didn’t see nothing else than blank horror and then endless relief. Then Haruka turned her head away. “Of course it’s negative! It’s an AIDS-test, Haruka. You only can get AIDS when you’d get blood and you never had a dangerous operation. I was your first lover and I know that you’d never betray me. So why did you do that silly test?” wanted Michiru to know but Haruka didn’t hear her words. She didn’t listen to her after the second sentence. After the word that made her sure that she would be able to grow old with her Michiru. To see her Hotaru growing up. To lead a normal life again – one day. Negative. “Thank goddess...” she whispered and tears burned in her green eyes. The milk escaped her trembling hands and landed on the ground. Soon it founded a tiny sea of white fluid. Negative. Her legs couldn’t carry her any longer. So she gave in her dizzy feelings and went down on her knees. The world spun around her even faster but she didn’t care about it. All she heard was the one single word in her mind. Over and over again. Negative. “Thank goddess...” she stammered again and covered her face with her cold hands and started desperately to giggle. Soon it turned into sobbing but there were no tears running down her cheeks. She was still too shocked from the good news. After that hell. After those long five weeks. Left alone in ignorance. Negative. Haruka closed her eyes and bowed her head. Thankful that god had mercy to let her live more than just a few years or months... She didn’t think about Michiru anymore who watched her in blank horror nor did she think of Hotaru who would awake during the next hour. “Ruka...” Michiru whispered and looked down at her lover who reacted so strange. So unreal but at the same time so real. As if she really expected that the test could be positive... Slowly the young violinist came to her feet. The letter fell unseen on the ground. Crumbled. Michiru knew something about AIDS. She already gave beneficial concerts for infected people. Children and adults. Men and women. There were only two ways to get AIDS: To get blood from an infected person or to have sex, what ever kind of sex, with him or her. And Michiru knew for sure that Haruka didn’t have any complicate operations she needed blood during the past five years. So there was only one possibility left... “Ruka...?” Suddenly Michiru’s voice was very shaky as she came over to her lover and kneeled down next to her. She took Haruka’s icy hands in her own cold ones and forced her lover to look up at her. There was no tomboy grin anymore on that face that was almost as pale as the wall behind her. There was no joke at those white lips. There was no wall anymore hiding Haruka’s real feelings behind. Her deep blue eyes looked directly into dark green ones. All she saw now were fear, horror and sadness. And anger. And hate. “They didn’t just beat you down, Ruka.” Whispered Michiru and the realization seemed to make her heart break. Tears filled her eyes as she saw how her lover slightly shook her head and lowered her look. To stare at everything but her girlfriend. Her green eyes were cloudy and her voice was nothing more than a broken whisper as Haruka finally answered. “No, they didn’t.” She took a deep breathe and clenched her fists around Michiru’s hands as if she was her only life line. “They raped me.” The last words were so quietly that the young violinist almost missed them. But on the other hand they were so loud that Michiru wanted to put her hands on her ears. She didn’t. She simply hold the ones of her lover and swallowed hard. Then she let her tears fall. For Haruka who wasn’t obviously able to do it yet. Who was still too shocked to cry. Now she knows it. Haruka bit hard on her lower lip until she tasted salty blood. She didn’t want to give up. She didn’t want to hurt her Michi-chan the same way they did hurt her. But she knew she did. And after those horrible five weeks she knew that she had to do it. Otherwise she would have been broken by all the nightmares. The memories. The voices that were haunting her down. Like a wild animal. Without having a chance of escape. “Ruka...” She felt how Michiru let go off her hands and took her into her arms in a strong, never-ending embrace. Michiru leaned her head against Haruka’s and started quietly to sob. “I didn’t want to make you cry.” Whispered the young car racer after a while Michiru calmed down a little bit and Haruka had her voice under her control again. Well, at least she was able to say some words without only choking. “Is that the reason why you didn’t tell me first?” asked Michiru and turned a bit to see directly into her lover’s still pale face. Into desperate green eyes. “Is that the reason why you didn’t tell me about your nightmares? About your sudden shame? About your fear to love me?” Haruka took another deep breathe and searched in Michiru’s face. All she found was deep sorrow, understanding and love. Deep love. Unconditional love. “Hai..” whispered Haruka and searched for the right words. Michiru kept silent until she found them. “I... I didn’t want to poison you. If.. if he’d really infected me with AIDS I didn’t want to infect you, too. Our princess needs us. To loose me would have been very hard for her. But... but to loose you, too, that would... would have been too much for her. She already lost her real father and... she...” helpless Haruka shrugged her shoulders and leaned her head against Michiru’s shoulder and stared down at the other woman’s lap. Michiru still wore her thin sleeping shirt but Haruka didn’t ask her if she was cold. If she wanted to change her clothes. Because if she would go now, leave her girlfriend alone, Haruka wouldn’t survive it. Not now. Not yet. Never again. “And so you took that burden on your own and kept silent.” Michiru stroke thoughtfully through the soft blonde strands and more tears ran down her cheeks. “Hai...” Again silence evolved between them and all that was heard was the appeasing rushes of the near ocean and the hungry screams of the sea birds outside. Fighting against a rough nature, fighting against a wild November’s wind. Inside there was another fight. An inner fight. “Do you want to speak about it?” asked Michiru after a long while and felt how Haruka pulled herself closer. There was another long silence and the young violinist already thought that she wouldn’t get an answer today, maybe that she would never get one at all, when the young car racer started silently to tell her about the things that happened at that day over five weeks ago. Her voice was very silent and almost insensible. But Michiru knew that it wasn’t. Not really. “It was late that evening. You already prepared the tomato soup when I caught Himme-chan and left the house. I drove to the central parking space and decided to take a short cut. It was late and I was in a hurry so I didn’t see that this short cut wasn’t one of the best streets of Tokyo. Indeed it was one of the worst. But I didn’t think much about it. I just entered it and counted my money. I forgot my cheque card at home and wondered if it would be enough for our dinner.” Haruka took another deep breathe and slightly shook her head against Michiru’s breasts. “I was so blind. So naive. So... so careless. They followed me. I guess they had seen me on the parking space and thought that I had a lot of money with me because of our silver Ferrari. They where suddenly there. Without any sound or sign. They grabbed Himme-chan out of the pram before I could react and one of the men hold a knife a her throat. Hell, she looked so helpless. And so terrified...” Haruka shook her head again and her fists clenched in Michiru’s lap. Michiru didn’t reply anything. She simply stroke her lover’s hairs and listened to her rude, final words. Crying in silence. “They wanted money, but all I had were only some coins for the cheese. And some flowers for you. White roses.” Michiru bit on her lips as she heard her Ruka’s words, but she didn’t interrupt her. “They were very angry and one of the men beat Himme-chan. They were two men, maybe brothers. One was smaller than me and thinner. The other one was half a head taller and almost fat. And stronger. Of course I wanted to help Himme-chan who screamed and fainted. But the taller man held me back and we fought. I don’t know how it happened but he realized that I am a woman and grinned that wicked grin. That bad grin as he declared that I could pay him in another way. That I could pay him for... for letting Himme-chan alive.” Haruka swallowed again and the nausea increased inside her body. She wondered when it was time to get on her feet and to threw up the few things she ate for dinner. “I saw all the blood that covered Himme-chan’s face! Her eyes were closed and she was so pale! I was so scared about her, that they would really kill her, that it didn’t matter to me what he would do with me. I only wanted Himme-chan to take into the next hospital and to make sure that she would be healthy again. Hell, Michi-chan, I would have never survived it loosing her. Because of my careless.” Haruka pressed her eyelids hard together but her eyes were still dry. She felt how Michiru’s hand slipped under her dark tracksuit top and caressed tenderly her sweaty back. Tenderly and calming. “So I simply let him do what he wanted to do with me. He called me bad names and beat me while he...” Haruka trembled even more and Michiru stopped caressing but hold her tight. As tight as she never had done before. Afraid that she would lose her Ruka just because of that rude man. “Hell, Michi-chan... it hurt so much. And it seemed to take him so endless long minutes until he was finished. He kicked me one last time and then let go off me. The other man didn’t want me. He said that I’d look like a man and that he wasn’t gay... Then... then they let Himme-chan down and laughed angry at me. Then they walked away. I felt... I was so ashamed, Michi-chan. I wanted to die. But there was Himme-chan. I took her and went to the hospital. Well, you.. you know the rest of the story. And now...” Haruka sobbed oppressed and Michiru hold her even tighter. Suddenly Haruka raised her head and looked directly into Michiru’s wet face. “And now you know what nightmares were haunting me down. I... I was so scared of being infected with AIDS, of dying during the next years. Of never seeing Hotaru at the altar one day. Never seeing... seeing you as an old woman... old woman by my side that made me... me feel so... so bad.” “The test’s negative.” Remembered Michiru her girlfriend and realized that her voice was as shaky as Haruka’s, too. “Hai...” A thin smile appeared on the young racer’s face but it disappeared at the next moment. “It’s all my fault, Michi-chan. I’ve been so careless and now... I never... I never wanted to betray you. You’re my only... my only....” Michiru took Haruka’s hot face in her icy hands and forced her too look back into her face. Determined she interrupted the unsure stammer with a light, but loving kiss. Their lips only touched and they stayed in that position for another long while. “At least he didn’t force me to kiss him.” Said Haruka after the kiss ended. Then she opened her fists, raised her hands and wiped away the tears from her lover’s cheeks. But he forced me to... Michiru who saw her thoughts in her sad expression, sighed deeply and more tears were running down her cheeks. “Gomen, Ruka. You went through hell and I couldn’t help you!” Her eyes widened as she saw a thin, but honest smile on the other one’s pale face. It was the most beautiful smile she had ever seen. And at the same time the saddest. “You did, Michi-chan.” Declared Haruka and embraced her again softly, felt how Michiru pulled her determined closer. Hold her tighter. “You do. The whole time. ‘Cause you’re here. For me. With me.” At that moment Michiru started openly to cry again. Both of them new that the nightmare wasn’t over now. None of them knew that it had only started. *** “Do you remember the concert I wanted to give at the weekend?” asked Michiru and stripped her clothes. It had been a busy week with the inner senshi. There had been a talent competition and the girls were driving everyone crazy, because they wanted to win it – the price was a two day trip in the mountains. Especially Minako was very, very crazy. They helped them to practice dancing, singing and acting. They often laughed – even Haruka had to smile a bit – when Usagi tried it desperately and failed. But at the end the couple Minako and Makoto won and they all could drive into the mountains. That had been the moment they all realized that they didn’t have skis and didn’t know how to do skiing... “Hai.” Haruka laid already in their bed under the thick blankets. It was cold outside and the grey sky promised snow. It was the end of November and whole Japan waited for snow. They all hoped for white Christmas and after Sylvester for a quick spring. As always. “I cancelled it.” “Nani?” Surprised green eyes looked up into smiling blue ones. “I donated some money to the foundation for ill children and said that I couldn’t take part in it because I am ill.” Michiru said and brushed her long sea green hairs. She was still naked and Haruka watched her silent in the moonlight that shone through the now closed window. It was too cold outside to let it opened the whole night. She looks so beautiful. Michiru turned towards the senshi of the wind swallowed automatically. The moonlight covered her sea green hairs and she looked like an angel. My angel. Haruka watched how she came over to the bed. Still naked. It didn’t look as if she wanted to pull her night shirt over her certainly freezing body. My guardian angel... “You never cancelled a concert since I know you. I don’t think that your manager believes you.” Teased Haruka and raised one eyebrow as Michiru crept under the blanket next to her. “It’s alike what he thinks. It’s the first concert I cancel since my parents died and that’s almost ten years ago. One concert in ten year is fair for my fans.” She smiled loving down at her girlfriend and gave her a light kiss. “I wanna be with you this weekend. With you and with our daughter. And you know how little time I’ve got during such a concert.” She kissed her Haruka again and felt how she slowly relaxed. She’s still frightened of me. Of my touches. Michiru pulled her Ruka closer and the kiss became more passionately. Who wonders... The kiss lasted for a very long time and Haruka relaxed completely. Feeling her Michiru next by her side, feeling the tender touches of her lips let her almost forget the pain that seemed to be still in her belly. The words that seemed to shout still in her head. The shadow that seemed to hurt her again and again. Every night. In her dreams. In her nightmares. Without interrupting the kiss Michiru opened the buttons of Haruka’s pyjama. She felt how her lover froze and slowly the kiss ended while she started to caress the soft skin. The beautiful skin. You couldn’t see any scars. Only if you looked closer. Really close. But there were hardly any scars. Even if you were able to look closer. No external scars. Dark green eyes looked terrified up at loving deep blue ones. “I love you, Ruka.” Whispered the senshi of the wide ocean and gave her girlfriend another loving kiss Haruka replied hesitantly. She still felt the soft hands on her skin, felt those soft touches that felt so damn good. But at the same time so... “Don’t, Michi-chan. Please... I...” stammered Haruka and wanted to turn away, but Michiru hold her back, stared directly in her face to make sure that Haruka could see that she told her the truth. “I love you, Ruka. You’re the most important person in my whole life. I love you mentally, with all my heart. But I also want to love you with my body.” Again a short kiss then she looked down at her girlfriend again and felt how Haruka took a deep breathe. “But I am so... so... dirty now.” Answered the young car racer and wanted to turn her head. But the understanding look in those blue eyes she loved so much was so hypnotising that she couldn’t look away. She simply stared up at her lover and her body started to tremble as Michiru slowly stripped her pyjama. First her jacket, then the trouser. She didn’t defend herself. All she did was to stare in those blue eyes. She knew she could trust her Michi-chan. Whatever happened, she could trust her, couldn’t she? But I slept with... “You aren’t dirty, Ruka.” Said Michiru and her hands caressed over her neck, her breasts and her slim belly. She really did loose weights during the past weeks. And I had been so blind that I didn’t mention... “You’re the most beautiful woman I know, Ruka. There’s no dirt on your soft skin. All I can see is goose-flesh. Are you cold, my sweetheart?” she teased but her eyes were still very serious. She caressed tenderly Haruka’s belly and her hips. The taller woman laughed a shaky laugh then she closed her eyes. To enjoy the soft touches of her lover. To believe in her words. And to forget other words. Other memories. For a long time Michiru caressed Haruka’s upper part of her body and kissed tenderly her neck. Her lover’s breathing became faster and she could hear some oppressed groans. “Ruka, open your eyes.” She whispered after a while and moved so that she crouched over her lover. Haruka did as she was told and thought that she had to drown in that beautiful blue that welcomed her. She felt how the caressing hands went over her belly and a little bit lower. She gasped and her body froze as her girlfriend touched her most intensive skin. “It’s me, Ruka. Just think of me. I’d never hurt you.” Whispered Michiru and gave her another quick kiss while her hands kept caressing. “You can trust me, ‘cause I love you with all my heart.” Haruka swallowed hard then she nodded. Slowly her body relaxed again under the tender touches of her lover. Then she put her head again on the pillow and closed her eyes. Now knowing that it was her Michi-chan who touched her so lovingly. She was surprised that she didn’t feel any pain as she had expected. There was another feeling. A feeling she knew before that day over six weeks ago. A feeling she thought she would have lost at the very moment the rude man took her. The tender touch didn’t stop and the feeling built up inside her body. Inside her mind. She heard how her girlfriend whispered loving words. She felt how Michiru kissed her neck, her breasts, her belly. And again and again her mouth. Her lips felt so good. So damn good! Suddenly she heard the noises of the waves. Being pushed to the beach. She could feel the warm sand under her body and the fresh wind playing with her hairs. The sun got brighter and her body seemed to burn. But still there was no pain. No sorrow. No shame. All she found was love. Understanding. Carefulness. “I love you...” whispered Michiru and Haruka opened her eyes again. Her look was purred and she breathed hard. She didn’t even mention that there was no beach around them. That the ocean was outside their house. All she saw were two deep blue eyes. They looked like the wild, beautiful sea. A sea she wanted to drown in. A sea she never wanted to leave again. A sea she wanted to cast her soul to. Suddenly she was able to forget the rude man. About his bad words and his rude behaviour. Suddenly all that existed was her Michiru and that wonderful feeling inside her body. Time seemed to stop, no cruel world did exist anymore. Haruka groaned as the feeling increased inside her body. Until she couldn’t sustain it any longer. Until it seemed to torn her apart. Still there was no pain. Only joy. Joy and deep happiness. The senshi of the wind took another deep breathe and automatically spread her legs wider. She couldn’t oppress a final groan. Then she cased her soul to that sea... “I love you.” Whispered Michiru again and took her still trembling lover in her arms and hold her tight. Haruka still gasped for breathe and sweat covered her beautiful body. She raised her head and now tears filled her dark green eyes. The first tears she was able to cry. Since that day over six weeks ago. “Love you, too...” replied Haruka with a shaky voice. Then she pulled her arms around Michiru’s neck, leaned her head against her shoulder and started desperately to cry. Her now loud sobs filled the sleeping room. Haruka didn’t feel ashamed about her tears any longer. She knew that her Michi-chan loved her and that she understood her feelings. That she wanted to help her. To accept what happened and to live with it. More and more tears filled her eyes and she simply let them fall. Her body trembled and she clinged herself to her lover. Her only life line. I love you so much, Michi-chan. With you I’ll never give up. I’ll never give up life. Suddenly she remembered all the times she wanted to die during the past six weeks. Every race she raced at the limits of her race car seemed now dangerous and ridiculous to her. She held her Michi-chan tighter and felt those soft arms wrapped around her own body as well. Michiru swallowed hard and looked down at the wet face of her lover. It was the first time that she saw her that desperate. Hai, Haruka had cried before, but only in her presence. When they had to sacrifice one person for the three talismans. When they had to kill Hotaru for the sake of the world. When they had to give the little senshi of death back to her real father, Dr. Tomoe. But I have never seen her so weak before. My strong Ruka... The smaller senshi reached for the blanket and pulled it over her girlfriend and herself. Then she kissed her on the forehead and started to caress calming Haruka’s sweaty back. It took a very long time until the senshi of the wind calmed down. The whole time Michiru hummed a sweet melody. A love song she once had written for Haruka. Only for her Ruka. To show her her deep love. Surely it would take another very long time until Haruka would be able to live with the memories. To live with the incident that happened that day over six weeks before. But certainly she would be able one day – with the help of her Michi-chan. *** It was still dawn when she awoke. The bed was empty but Haruka knew that Michiru was downstairs to prepare their breakfast. It was Saturday morning, there were no concerts, no racings and so they had the whole day on their own. With Hotaru. Like a real family. “My...” whispered the senshi of the wind as she crept out of her blanket and came hard to her feet. She covered her freezing body with the top of her pyjama and walked slowly to the bathroom. She didn’t look into the mirror to see her pale, sweaty face. Breakfast. Rolls, marmalade, boiled eggs, milk... The nausea increased inside her belly and slowly she went into her knees. She didn’t feel that well. And she felt even worse when she thought of the breakfast. “My...” she whispered again and opened quickly the toilette’s lid. Then she threw up the few things she ate for dinner. She choked for some more times and when she was sure that her stomach was really empty, she leaned back on the nice cool tile and closed her eyes. It had been too much for me during the past weeks. She sighed and wondered how she should stood up, change her clothes, go down in the kitchen and be a funny daddy to her daughter. But she knew she would. One look into Hotaru’s loving child’s eyes were enough to make her do even the craziest things. Slowly Haruka came to her feet and left the bathroom silently. It had been the first time that she threw up her food. But it wasn’t for the last time that weekend.
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