Chapter Five: Aftermath (Minako) "It's locked." I stood behind Tsukino Ikuko in front of her daughter's door... which was locked. A bright statement. Of course it would be. What else? Last night had drawn on as I had involved her in pleasant conversation, I tried to at least. Most of the time she was just asking questions. First about me and Usagi and then about Hotaru. Where would that leave her daughter? That had been a cheap shot. Got me with that one and I honestly didn't know. I still couldn't have answered it. I said so. She wasn't happy, I can understand though. The "talk" had gone long into the evening... night even and I had offered that Tsukino-san stayed with me. You never knew what was out there in the night, right? No, you couldn't. She accepted, reluctantly, but she did. I finally told her that Hotaru was going to look for her daughter anyway. The poor woman still didn't get it together from where she knew my... girlfriend. Was she still that? Would she still be when I opened this door. When Chibiusa had been back to the future there was still a lingering awareness that she existed. Now... Nothing at all. "Move aside." Ikuko looked at me funny for a moment but did as I told her. "And get downstairs." That of course got her a little angry. "Demo..." My eyes flashed a little for effect. "Look. Whatever Usagi is going through that requires such drastic measures, she needs to get it settled and deal with it properly. I don't want to be offending but her mother kneeling beside her and cuddling her like an infant would not help." She flinched a little. Okay, I was stressed. Stressed, worried, anticipation of what I wound find there lurking just beyond the surface. And it was a lie. A horrible, pathetic lie. Just like those that we had to give Mizuno-san and Hino-san after their daughter's deaths in "battle". That was one of the worst moments of my life, right behind the actual experience. I still have no idea how we convinced them that we were merely in the close vicinity and had been caught in the crossfire. Yeah, there was much crossfire, just not from us. Only Usagi, Hotaru and I got away in time, we didn't know what became of the others' bodies - which we burned later of course. They had bought it though, as much as Ikuko was buying my lie now and headed downstairs without a further word. The truth was that I could very well have told her a lot of things that would have made her insist on staying. First Hotaru WAS in there too. Never mind the fact that I tried to contact her last night at her apartment. I could sense her there. I had sensed her when we reached the house. And I could sense a lot of other things too. One "thing" being the distinct smell of sex and then there was something "different" that I could not put my finger on. But it was disturbing. Sometimes I hated my "gifts". Seeing that staring at the doorknob wouldn't bring me nothing, I reached out with my still rather undeveloped control over metal and unhooked the crossbar on the other side. Nudging the door open carefully, so not to disturb anyone, I slipped through and... wanted to close it but suddenly found myself unable to move. I know it's a horrible cliché. Still... Could you say from yourself that you were ever drenched by ice water while being knocked in the stomach. Without the water actually being there? You ask me how that is possible? Don't ask me. I have no fucking idea. I just was. The smell was the first thing that hit me, hard. I mean I've smelled a lot of things sex-wise, being in a shady business and all but that... Ugh, gross. But the smell whizzed just past me actually because my eyes were locked frozen on the two figures on the bed. Hotaru was draped in an awkward angle over Usagi's form, her left knee still grinding somewhat in Usagi's opening. Usagi had her head thrown back and buried deep into the covers while it looked like Hotaru was still nuzzling her breast in her sleep. You know, I knew what Senshi mating looks like. Hell, did that a night before this one. But that... that... that That had nothing to do with it. The smell was all wrong already and I could see parts of their bodies still red and lightly swollen. From her exposed posture I could very well see the angry marks on my... girlfriend's center. Even Ginsishou power and Saturn healing couldn't really take care of these that quickly. And that said an awfully lot! Numbly I closed the door and walked although a lot of my instincts cried out to do the exact opposite. My feet made contact with something and as in slow motion I picked the item up and stared, stared hard at the whip in my hand. There was a small patch of salvia mixed with already crusted blood... Yikes. I dropped the thing to the ground. My suspicion somewhat confirmed as I moved through the room, taking in the various discarded items, I could safely tell that this really didn't look like mating... More like a war zone. I sat down heavily on the chair that was usually meant for clothes... Usagi's were folded neatly in a corner I noted, while Hotaru's torn remains were scattered around the near bed area. I just sat there, doing nothing, my eyes fixed on the pair and well... nothing. Okay, not quite like that. There were a hell lot of emotions flying around in my head, spiraling, performing loops and... Let's not go there. Let's please not go there. At first it was a sort of hollow feeling. As I said cold water. Nothing really. No feeling. Then I wanted to throw up, that was the cheap blow, I really wanted to throw up right there on the spot. I had seen much in my "career" but the moment I stepped in here, knew that nothing ever compared to this. After that there was the whirlwind of emotions expected to follow. Confusion, the need to know, to know what exactly happened and such triviality. You would expect that I would grab my "girlfriend", drag her out of the house and beat her up some more in frustration and hate since she seemed to enjoy that so much. But I didn't. There wasn't hate. Frustration, yes. Frustration that I didn't know what the hell was going on here. Hurt trust, yes, that too. But hate? No, no. I wouldn't jump to conclusions now. I WOULD NOT! The situation was spinning out of control quickly and events were happening so fast that you had to somehow keep a level head. The last time I jumped to conclusion it had almost cost me too high of a price to pay. I would not now. I just wanted to know what happened. "Ouch, that'll hurt a while." I looked up startled and could not prevent the slight gasp. Hotaru was half-sitting a little hunched over and just now prying the very construction that had Usagi's mother and me so disturbed from her sensitive body parts. She didn't wince in the process or anything, just rubbed her lower lips for a while. At my uttered sound she tilted her head. "Oh. Ohayoo, Minako." O..kay. I preferred the reaction from last morning much better, thank you. I didn't speak as she casually moved from the bed and borrowed some clothes from Usagi's dresser. Good thing they were about the same height. Her steps were somewhat wobbly, unsteady. But she managed. Sitting back on the bed, carefully pulling the covers over Usagi's sleeping form she looked up to meet my eyes for a moment, then looked down. "I guess I owe you an explanation." I laughed... Okay, I ALMOST laughed. It was hard on the border though. Instead I simply settled for one of the most piercing glares that I could master at the moment. "No shit," I remarked. Hotaru didn't even see my stare, hadn't looked up again, but she most likely felt it. Now she did, now she looked at me strangely, with something akin to cool indifference. I really wished, she wouldn't have done it. Would have remained with her eyes fixed on the floor and the words never leaving her mouth. "Usagi was raped while we - you and I - were mating." Ice water again. A LOT colder this time. I could not move, could not speak, could not see, could not BREATHE. Damn it, it felt like I was drowning in a great, big void and had no idea I was and it just didn't matter... "And I had been too. Six years ago, just before graduation. You know what I mean." It was a good thing I was already sitting. What was the term I picked up somewhere? TMFI, I think. Too. Much. Fucking. Information. Add an at once. I cannot tell you that my mind seriously considered fainting there for awhile. And I can also not tell you why I didn't. A LONG time passed. I didn't think a place could be that silent. You could have heard the dust particles lifting and lowering themselves, if not for the thunderous sound of our breathing. It took awhile for my brain to actually process the information. Usagi. Raped. Hotaru. Raped... by a... a... I DID NOT want to end that thought. She had made it too clear. After that everything was pure instinct I think. Worrying could come later, explaining could come later. It was a primal cry from the depths of my soul. On shaking legs I slid out of the chair and crouched down in front of Hotaru who had her head hung low again. Tilting her chin upwards with one finger, I looked her dead in the eye, asked her the only question that mattered right now, the only thing that I didn't understand. Didn't want to understand if I was honest but NEEDED to understand. "Why?" I gestured at the mess around us and finally at Usagi. Her purple eyes answered in equal seriousness. "So that she could heal." After a small hesitation my arms found the strength to come around her form and drawing her in close, heads resting on each others shoulder. Hotaru stiffened for a moment but then simply surrendered and slumped in a fit of small whimpers and sobs. I was crying too I think. (Usagi) I have no idea what exactly woke me up. Just that there was this... urge that I had to or otherwise something would go horribly wrong. The urge wasn't gentle either. Emotions, dark and sad, crashing into me from... somewhere. I heard sobbing, muffled sounds. Pain. So much emotional pain. With a start I sat up, eyes shooting wide open... which I am not so proud to say was probably one of the dumbest instinct reactions ever. A hot, searing sensation shot through my head and I fell back on the covers with a low moan as colors clouded my visions for several long moments. I could feel my whole body ache - worse than any post-battle mornings in the past. Especially my most sensitive and private parts were still rather sore from... whatever... I couldn't really remember right now. "Did anyone get the number of the truck that hit me?" My head was the worst really. I could not describe what was going on there, not even begin to. I just wanted to turn over and sleep some more like... days! My consciousness was barely awake and I was only faintly aware of some sounds around me... Although they had stopped at my rhetorical question. There was someone there, I could tell, I... remembered. But not really who. "Don't worry, the headache will go away soon. Your mind is trying to adjust." That voice. Hotaru. Last night. Oh... GOD! What had I done? What had I done? How could I? Minako and... What were they going to think now? I broke them up again, a day after I had... Megami-sama, that was not... is not... I only... wanted... Dumb, pathetic... It was not a physical slap, more like a blow that literally shocked me awake and my screaming mind in a - as dumb as it sound - neutral position. Blank. For a moment there was nothing, then a slow dull feeling returned and I could not at all figure out what it meant, just that it was there. The memories came rushing back now, not really like a tidal wave, overwhelming and all. No it came in small pieces and they finally began to fit together, presenting me the image what exactly it was that happened last night that I had not been able to figure out in the heat of... passion. From the day of the slaughter of my friends onwards I had slowly buried myself in this deep, cold pit of misery and self-blame, had slowly blockaded any escape with heavy rocks and after that with even more of those. The only exit remained was blocked by thick steel bars that would not bend to anything. Hotaru's... actions last night had rattled on the doors loud and hard, repeatedly and not stopping at the resistance. When her sick taunt somehow made it through my pain-clouded mind I broke free. The steel was not able to withstand the fierce rage and melted away at the very touch. In the back of my mind I knew that Hotaru would have never did what she said to her childhood friend but... I was simply too outraged. There had been an audible snap - should have been heard on the other side of reality - when something in my mind broke and just... switched. All the craving for pain, the misery, pity and blame I had weighed down on my mind, were thrown aside and turned into the total opposite. Dominance. I had wanted to pay back everybody who had ever hurt me with a vengeance and at the moment Hotaru had been foremost in my mind. I don't think I'll ever forget what I had done to her. It was like a wild animal out for the hunt for blood and I had wanted, NEEDED to pay her back all the pain threefold. I had no idea if I succeeded but Hotaru had endured it all. To a certain level that is. Riding high on the waves of dominance, the thrilling pleasure of being in total control for once, Hotaru had pulled me back down to reality, meeting me with an equal passion and total lack of restraint and remorse. What followed was most likely the harshest form of "lovemaking" mankind had EVER experienced. "How do you feel?" Hotaru's voice, soft and concerned this time, broke through the stream of memories again. How did I feel? I didn't really knew. Couldn't phrase it into appropriate words, so I simply tried. "I... Hollow, I guess. It's empty and I feel like I'm lost but at the same time not. There is hurt too. Pain... Not physical... That too but more like... It hurts." I whimpered a bit, as unbidden images sprung to my mind, hands mauling me among other things. Their faces, so clear. Cold, taunting, indifferent, not caring... "It hurts," I repeated in a hushed voice, a croaked sob rising up to add to the effect. I tried to focus again and surprisingly it worked. Dull again but that was okay. Better when the hurt or the siren call of dominance. "But... I can not really explain it. It's too much to understand..." I fell silent, trying to work it out. I understood a little better now what Hotaru had been trying to achieve... DID achieve, I guess. Really put it into words? No, I could not. "Good." Her voice was cool again. "I wouldn't believe you, if you said you did." Slowly this time I opened my eyes again. The pounding headache had subsided a little and I was glad to notice that this time the colorful spots failed to enter my vision. I had had enough of those last night already. Gradually adjusting to the sunlight falling into my room I turned my head slightly and noticed Hotaru on the edge of my bed wearing one of my sweaters I think. Then my gaze fell on the other figure, seated in the chair, arms propped on her knees and head in her hands, I felt another wave of deep guilt wash over me and was not able to fight it down this time. A part of my still jumbled mind did... I don't know. It was as if it was just falling over the edge of a deep clip, right back into the deep, cold cave... "Snap out of it!" And then it was back in place. The... what, switch? Yes, the switch was back in place, safely locked and the hollow, indifferent feeling was back. I stared into Hotaru's intense gaze and had the strong urge to look away in shame but found myself unable to avert my eyes. "Do. Not. Falter." Each word was emphasized and I could have sworn I saw her eyes flashing. A tiny chill run down my spine. "I put too much effort in this for you to blame yourself again. I started it. Not you." "Demo, you were..." She looked away at my inquiring gaze. "Yes, I was...You... saw it, didn't you?" It was a whisper and I was sure only I heard it. I gave a very tiny nod. Hotaru looked at me again with a compassion I had rarely seen in the young woman before. "You understand that I couldn't let you go through the pain. It had taken me months to achieve what you feel now. I had no help, I had no one to understand." Again I could only nod and finally allowed some of the tears to fall. Tears held back for a very long time. I didn't even know what they were about. Just that they were tears of pain, hurt and loss. My friends had been slaughtered by a pack of demons. I had been raped. The two thoughts were suddenly so clear in my mind. I hadn't allowed myself to care, hadn't allowed myself the reality and consequences of what happened, had wrapped myself in a cocoon of denial. Gone. It was all gone now. The walls, the protection, the shields. Gone. Because they were not real and they only caused more harm than good. I felt arms around me, drawing me into a tight embrace. They were slender but felt like they never wanted to let go. Hotaru's I guess. The sobs were silent and the tears fell unrestrained as I let my control slip. Not drift in one direction of the beckoning voices on either side. I let the memories go, the realization that I had been stripped of my innocence twice. First my soul and then my body. In the most brutal ways that one could imagine. "Will it ever go away." Hotaru didn't ask what I was referring to. The hurt, the pain, the memories, the torn mind, threatening to be dragged to one of the extremes every moment. Or something else. I could not have told her anyway and I think she knew that. So, in a firm but deathly quiet voice the answer was simple. "No." The tears came only harder and I could feel her arms tightening around me. "You can only deal with it. It can get better. But go away. No. You can make yourself forget, shield it all away but... No, it won't go away." The words were the honest truth, I could tell, but that only hurt more. I was a bit startled as I felt another, familiar set of arms envelop me but quickly succumbed to the warm blanket they wrapped me into. "We're here for you. You're not alone," I could hear Minako's whisper. I could tell she was torn between comforting both me and Hotaru and somehow for this one moment I could let go of all the emotions bottled up inside of me. With them I could. No shame anymore, no holding back. It was an honest expression of shared grief that came much too late but was just the one thing we all needed at the moment. There, together, in each other's arms, crying for all the pain brought upon us, I felt a strange, warm feeling rise inside of me, around us, embracing us. It was warm, protective and... safe. At this one instant I felt utterly and totally safe. I felt right. Right there I belonged. The minutes drew on as I could feel wet tears on my skin that were not my own. (Hotaru) About an hour later Minako and I exited the Tsukino-ke after making sure that Usagi was okay and would not cave again. There was something amazingly relieving over the shared emotions that had overcome us after the truths were out. I felt that a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, from all of us. The truth was out, all truths were out in the open, at least the important ones. I had no idea how those truths would now be dealt with but it helped immensely. After a long breakfast where the topic had deliberately ignored by all of those present. Tsukino Kenji had come in later the morning from a business assignment but Minako and I were already in the process of leaving. Usagi had at several points when we were alone tried to apologize for the situation she had caused but either Minako's soothing words or some pointed looks from me would shoot her down. I had been right, she would have a long road ahead of her towards healing. I hadn't even healed completely yet. The silence was beginning to gnaw on my nerves. Minako was walking a few steps ahead of me. If that was on purpose or subconsciously I could not tell but I could not take it any longer. This morning Minako had not shown any signs of bitter accusation but she could have been simply overwhelmed. Now, after the emotions had cooled down, she might have second thoughts. I stopped and considered which approach to take, I decided that the direct one suited me just fine. "Do you hate me now?" Minako halted in mid-step to slowly turn around and regard me with an intense gaze. She didn't speak at first, studied me for several long moments. Her eyes made me squirm and I could not resist the urge to look at my feet. I had known this might come. Known that she'd probably hate me for what I did with Usagi. A day after our own mating night no less... I was a little surprised to have my head tilted upward by a harsh grip a few seconds later and flinched a little as Minako's eyes shone with a hidden fire all of a sudden. "I could never hate you." The words stunned me into silence to say the least because they were voiced with such a certainty and seriousness that I pitied everyone who dared to disagree with her. I did not, just held her gaze, even though it was already painful to a point. There wasn't hate, I could see that now, but... "I'm confused, yes. There is hurt trust, yes. And I have no idea where we go from here. But no, I could never hate you." She didn't say, she loved me though. For a moment her touch softened and moved to my cheek, lingering there. I wanted so desperately for her to kiss me... Finally she moved away and resumed her brisk pace. "I'm hurt that you couldn't tell me, that you never came to one of us," she said while I tried to catch up with her. "I'm hurt that you didn't tell me about Usagi. Have I been such a bad friend to you, that you couldn't let me help?" That one hurt far worse than I thought it would. It was true that I had considered the option but decided against it. I was in shock - okay, that was a major understatement - and couldn't really think clearly. After the pre- battle kiss I really had wanted to run into Minako's arms but I felt so low and humiliated that I could not master the strength to burden her with my rape. "I... You wouldn't have understood... and..." Kuso, I usually was not the one to stutter. Used to being in control for years now, I was put off from the way the blonde could effect me with one single word or touch. I thought I'd never allow myself to feel love again but I had and in some ironically way the party fiasco had provided an opening, a cut in the emotionless shell I had put around myself. A cut I wasn't able to close again. "YOU COULD HAVE TRIED!" I jumped back severally feet when Minako whirled around snarling the words in my face. I wasn't quite prepared for the reaction and lost my balance. I winced a little after falling on my butt - which still hurt from the night's events. Again I was surprised to find Minako kneel next to me, tears streaming down her face as she reached out to take one hand in hers. "Why did you not try? Yes, I cannot relate to what you've gone through, what both of you have gone through but I thought you trusted me enough to know that I would do anything for you. Kuso, you and Usagi are the only important people I still have." I wanted to reach out, sooth her, explain... So many things I couldn't and it was tearing me up inside out. "Gomen nasei... I was... scared. I was so scared, Minako, and just like Usagi. I thought there was nobody there who would have wanted anything to do with me. I even thought that you would hate me and..." Her lips found mine, stopping the babble and I simply closed my eyes and enjoyed the wonderful warm sensation, washing away the pain for the moment. It was only brief but when Minako pulled away and helped me to my feet, I felt unsteady and had to lean on her a little. She didn't mind though. We walked for a few more minutes in silence, before my blonde- haired girlfriend - and I was glad for still being able to call her that - broke it again with a side glance. "That still doesn't help with how we are going to deal with Usagi now." I would not admit it but that had been on my mind moments ago as well. "One thing is for sure," I told her not breaking the pace but this time managing to look like the certain. "She'll need us both now. What I did was just the start on a healing process that I have taken years to go through and still not fully finished. I can teach her how to control the emotions, the urges and such but I cannot teach her how to let go, how to trust and feel safe again." I looked at her poignantly. "Only you can." Minako raised an eyebrow in response but didn't say anything. "It was only with you that I allowed myself to lower my guard and let the feelings come. I could feel safe and I could tell that Usagi felt safe to this morning." I didn't need to explain further. When Usagi had broken down, I practically had pleaded Minako with my eyes to join us on the bed. For some reason, I just knew that this was the right thing to do. "She trusts you," I continued after awhile. "Why else would she allow herself to be with you." Minako winced a little at that but I caught her wrist in a firm grip and made her look at me. "Minako, what you did before 'us' is none of my concern. After all you are speaking to the person who just jumped into bed with your latest girlfriend after our mating night," I could not help the sarcasm leaking through but strangely Minako simply smiled weakly. "She has not been my girlfriend. What we had was only..." I put a finger on her lips and kissed them softly, halting our movements immediately. "No lies anymore. I know what you're trying to say and I cannot blame you. We all love... loved Usagi in one way or another. She's our Princess and foremost our light that has guided our lives. There is not a way that goes by without the feeling of guilt that I had not only failed my friends but also her someway. Retreating into myself did not really help." People walked by and occasional stared at the two of us in the middle of the sidewalk as time went by and none of us really knew what to say. We were still holding the pose though and none of us looked away this time. "Where to we stand now?" Minako asked finally. "I don't know. I wish I did but I don't. I meant what I said yesterday morning. That I said I loved you and that I was sorry I did. This is part of it, I knew that things would be complicated when I let myself fall in love with you. I could not help it." "Love is always complicated," Minako replied quietly, her hand softly cupping my cheek. I sighed a little at the touch and she smiled. "Are we okay?" I did truly not know who actually asked the question but the answering kiss was more than enough answer. After a short time simply ignoring the world around us we picked up walking again, hands firmly grasped this time. After a relative long span of comfortable silence, Minako asked suddenly. "Do you know who did this to her?" I told her. "I really wish, I would have let you kill them." Her voice was bitter and with a steel in it that could have cut through the sun. Actually I was thankful she did, because otherwise I might have been too far gone for anyone to reach me. If I had gone through with the kill I think I would have been forever lost. And Minako knew that. That's why she intercepted in the first place. Out loud I said: "I plan to correct this mistake though." My voice had dropped to the familiar tones of Saturn by now. Venus held her gaze on the path ahead. "Can I watch?"
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