The birds singing lustily from beyond her curtain-less window weren't what woke Asuka the next morning. Nor was it the fact that the quilt had slipped from the bed while they slept, exposing any unclothed parts of their bodies to the chill air. No, what woke Asuka was the fact that while they had been asleep they had changed positions, until Rei was no longer beside her. She was in fact draped partly across her, with Asuka on her back, Rei's head resting on her shoulder and her hand... resting on... her... LEFT... BREAST...
Asuka yelped and sat up quickly, tipping Rei over as she did so. This was more than enough to wake her new bedfellow and Rei looked dazedly up at Asuka, rubbing her sleepy eyes.
"Asuka?" she murmured, "Is it time to get up?"
"Ha ha ha!" laughed Asuka, nervously, "Yep, rise and shine, Wonder Girl. It's getting late, it's already gone..." she glanced at her clock. "Six o-clock!" she cried, "It's still the middle of the night!"
A glance out of her window confirmed that the sky was not yet properly light. She flopped back on her pillow, groping around over the side of the bed with one hand for the escaped quilt so she could pull it back over her. Rei sat looking at her for a moment, then did the same. Happily for Asuka, she didn't resume her previous position, instead she retook the place she had originally occupied before they had gone to sleep the night before. Asuka pulled the quilt over Rei as well, then turned on her side to look at the blue haired girl, who was well on her way to falling asleep once again.
She didn't do it on purpose, I'm sure, she thought to herself, and besides, it's only natural for someone feeling lost and alone to cling to someone else when in close proximity. In fact, she probably doesn't even know she did it...
Well, that was true enough. But, thinking about it, wasn't Asuka's reaction stranger? Was she really so unused to physical contact that something as little as that had caused her to damn near suffer a panic attack? It hadn't used to have been a problem. When Kaji had been around, she'd had no qualms about draping herself over him whenever she could. Shinji too, she hadn't had any difficulty kissing him that one time (though that didn't turn out so well in the end). Of course, since Nerv disappeared, she'd been pretty much on her own and had perhaps become a bit of a recluse, which might explain the nervousness she'd been encountering since Rei had turned up.
That and fearing the end of the world was coming... again, she thought. Then she giggled at how ridiculous that seemed now.
Rei opened her eyes and looked at her.
"What are you laughing about?" she asked.
Self conscious are we, Wonder Girl? thought Asuka.
"Oh, nothing. I'm laughing at myself, really."
"Are you funny?" asked Rei.
"Ha! I suppose," replied Asuka, "You should try laughing sometime. It's good for you."
"It stimulates blood flow, it increases cell oxidation," stated Rei, as if she was reading from a text book. Then she stopped talking.
To Asuka's astonishment, Rei began forcing her face first into a smile, then into uncomfortable laughter.
"Ha ha ha," said Rei, then she stopped and her face returned to normal. "I don't feel any different."
"Well, of course you don't, baka! You can't laugh without feeling it inside. Laughing has to be natural."
"Natural..." echoed Rei and she closed her eyes again.
"Yeah, natural," said Asuka, then she trailed off, thinking about this for a while. "It's funny," she said, almost without realising she had started talking again, "I'd almost forgotten what laughing was like. It's been so long since I did it. Not that I really laughed that much at Nerv, I was always too busy trying to be superior and competing with you..."
She glanced at Rei and saw that she was watching her again. Her red eyes looked impossibly deep in the slowly lightening room.
"You never needed to compete with me," she said.
"Didn't I?" replied Asuka, heavily, "I'm not so sure. My life would have been completely empty without it..." she sighed. "Look, Rei, I think you've got the wrong person. I can't tell you about life. I don't know about life, myself. All I know about is pain."
"There isn't anyone else," said Rei, a small frown on her features.
"Isn't there?" replied Asuka, "Maya, Toji, Hikari, hell, some random person off the street... Anyone else would know more about life than me."
Rei slowly sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees, staring away from Asuka at the end of the bed. Asuka lay on her back watching the girl. For a while they both remained quiet.
"But..." said Rei, eventually, "I would not understand them..."
"Understand them...?" replied Asuka, frowning. Rei turned to her.
"Asuka, you are a special person..."
"No I'm not!" said Asuka, sudden anger growing in her (though not anger directed towards Rei), "I spent ages trying to convince myself I was, but I'm just not. I never was, everyone at Nerv knew it!"
But Rei was shaking her head.
"You were chosen by Shinji, you were the first to be brought back by him... You're special to Shinji, who created this world."
"I don't know if you noticed, Rei, but Shinji isn't exactly around. He can't love me, otherwise he'd be here with me."
"I did not mean love..." replied Rei, quietly, "though if love exists, I am certain he loves you."
"If love exists...?" said Asuka, her frown deepening.
"I don't know love..." said Rei, in an even quieter voice.
"Baka!" Asuka almost shouted, "Everyone loved you! Shinji loved you!"
"Shinji was afraid of me."
"Don't be stupid, Shinji was afraid of everyone, that doesn't mean he didn't love you. Besides, Misato loved you, too! Hell, even Gendo loved you in his own fucked up way!"
Rei looked at Asuka.
"You didn't..."
Suddenly Asuka found herself blushing.
"I... well... I'm not really... I mean..."
Rei just looked sad and alone. Asuka couldn't help her heart going out to the young girl.
"Look, Rei, I was an idiot back then. I probably still am. You don't want to worry about the things I said or thought."
"But I did," replied Rei, "I do. I... You..."
Rei was struggling again, struggling with something larger than her. She could see the pain it caused the former pilot, clearly. It was too much for her. Asuka leapt forwards on the bed and wrapped her arms around the other girl.
"Oh, Rei! I really hurt you, didn't I? I'm so sorry," she mumbled. Tears were starting in her eyes.
Rei felt stiff in her arms. She made no move to stop Asuka, but then she also made no attempt to reciprocate the hug.
"What is it?" asked Asuka, pulling back a little.
"I... don't know how I should react in this situation," replied Rei.
"Baka!" whispered Asuka, "You're worse than Shinji."
She released Rei and sat back. She kept her head down, obscuring her face with her hair.
"Sorry," said Rei. And then she did something Asuka was not expecting. She began to cry. The tears seemed to astonish Rei as much as they did Asuka, for her eyes became wide and she looked down at the salt water that splashed onto her pyjamas, spreading gently across the fabric.
"I'm crying again," she whispered, to herself more than to Asuka.
I never thought I'd see that...
"Rei?" whispered Asuka. The blue haired girl looked up at her with wide, damp eyes.
"I... don't understand..." said Rei.
"You don't have to," replied Asuka, and she lifted her arms, inviting Ayanami with soft eyes. Rei sat for a moment looking at the outstretched arms, then her face bunched and she moved forwards into Asuka's embrace. The red head wrapped her arms around her and lay back, bringing them gently back down onto the bed. Then she pulled the quilt back over them and simply lay there as Rei hitched and sobbed silently into her chest. Though her tears were quiet, they were full of the pent up misery that had been Rei's life, both growing up at Nerv and after Shinji had brought about Instrumentality, when she had returned to the world only to find herself more alone than ever.
Asuka, too, was crying, though her tears did not match the intensity of Rei's. However, for what seemed like the first time, she found that the tears were not for herself, but for another. For Rei.
This is a time of firsts, it seems, she thought to herself, but then decided it was probably a good thing. All of a sudden she found she wanted to help Rei. It was important that Rei found happiness, if not the truth, and if that brought Asuka some kind of enlightenment along with it, then so much the better. And if not, well, she wouldn't have lost anything and would no doubt go on as she had been doing since coming to Kaibyaku.
Rei cried for a long while and Asuka hushed and soothed her, stroking her back with her fingertips and smoothing her ruffled hair. At last, the sobs lessened, but she clung to Asuka nonetheless for a good deal longer. The German had begun to doze lightly when Rei looked up at last, rousing her.
"Asuka, I'm sorry, I don't know... why I did that..."
Asuka smiled.
"Like I said, you don't have to worry about feeling sad, or even understand it. If you need support, you should just ask for it."
"I've never asked before..."
"Well, you can from now on. Ask me."
"Should I... smile now?" asked Rei. This question again surprised Asuka, but before she could come up with a response, Rei carried on. "I think this is like the time that Shinji saved me. He told me to smile then..."
She looked up at Asuka and her face lit up with the simplest, warmest smile that Asuka had ever seen on the young girl. As the morning sunlight finally spilled into her room, Rei looked nothing short of radiant.
"You... look wonderful when you smile," whispered Asuka.
Rei looked startled, but then the smile returned with even greater strength.
"Thankyou,
Asuka," she replied.
Back to The End and After - New Beginnings Index - Back to Neon Genesis Evangelion Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction