Ritsuko sighed as she slumped down into her chair. That had been a complication she hadn't anticipated. "What's wrong with me?" Why had she so willingly let go just then? And more to the point, what was she so upset about anyway? She was in control of her situation wasn't she? Everything that had happened between herself and the commander, it wasn't anything she had any desire to get out of, really. Was it? So why did she feel so bad about it this time, almost as if someone had been watching her, like her conscience, a reminder that what she was doing was morally abhorrent and her heart wasn't in it at all, that she had been wishing somebody else had been there with her, that it had been someone else's body against hers. She could feel the saltwater trailing down her face again. Never before had a feeling for someone else permeated her consciousness like this, almost to the point of obsession. Ritsuko knew that she only felt like this because what she wanted was so unattainable, she knew that if anything were to happen between them her feelings of confusion and desperation would almost certainly diminish, but for now that failed to register as she wept. "I love her." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Maya finally arrived back at Ritsuko's shortly after ten p.m. She placed her suitcase inside the door and glanced around. "Sempai?" She noticed the note stuck to the fridge door with a magnet. "Maya, I wasn't feeling well so I went to bed early. I stocked the fridge, so help yourself to dinner if you're hungry. Sorry I'm not here to welcome you back personally, but I'll see you in the morning, Ritsuko." Maya pulled the note off the door with a sigh. It looked like she wouldn't be seeing Ritsuko this evening after all. She once again glanced around the flat, allowing her eyes to rest for a moment on her suitcase. What was this place to her? Home? A stopgap? Just another Hotel? None of those names seemed to fit. It was a nice apartment, the area of the city it was in wasn't the most pleasant but it was close to Nerv HQ, but something still felt so uncomfortable, almost as if she could never really belong here. She suddenly felt a sense of panic; what if she couldn't find anywhere else? What if she ended up staying for any extended period of time? The tension she felt due to her unspeakable feelings was already gnawing at her inside, twisting her stomach and increasing her heart rate every time she looked at Ritsuko now. Moreover, was she being presumptuous for imagining that Ritsuko would allow her to stay for more than a few nights? Maya was beginning to regret ever agreeing to go home with Ritsuko, but last night Dr Akagi had shown her kindness and compassion she had so desperately needed. Maya barely knew what to think anymore, she curled up on the sofa and began to sob once again, each inhalation filling her senses with the scent of Ritsuko. "sempai." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The streetlamps outside the window gave the white ceiling a dim orange hue. How long had she been staring up at it? Forty minutes? An hour? Ritsuko sighed, cursed her insomnia, and listened. She had heard Maya come in and walk around, but now what was she doing? The other bedroom door hadn't been closed, or at least, she hadn't heard it, and years of living alone had taught her to recognise each minute sound that happened in her apartment. She strained her ears a little more. Was that.? It was, undeniably, muffled sobs, Maya was crying. Attempting to ignore the growing awkwardness she felt around Maya, she left her bed for the living room. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Maya?" She didn't look up. Ritsuko sat down next to her and Maya whimpered slightly. "I'm sorry.you shouldn't.I don't want.you to see me like this.I-I'm sorry." Ritsuko smiled softly and shook her head. "It's okay, cry if you need to, I shan't think any less of you for it." It hurt the older woman to see Maya like this but she still wasn't sure of how to act. She opted to go with her instinct and moved a little closer to Maya, cradling the brunette's head in her lap. Maya's tears began to soak through the hem of Ritsuko's silk nightshirt but she couldn't have cared less as she gently began to stroke Maya's hair. "Shhh, it's okay, it's alright." Ritsuko could feel a warmth spreading through her being, a feeling of overwhelming compassion and tenderness that brought tears to her eyes. There was no suspicion however that Maya may have been feeling the same. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Maya's sobbing calmed after a while before evolving into the deep, slow rise and fall of sleep. Ritsuko was more than a little tempted to stay there all night, content to listen to the soothing sounds of Maya's peaceful slumber. The feeling of physical contact with one she cared for so deeply was treasured but she was more worried about how it may look to Maya in the morning, to find herself still being watched over. Besides, Ritsuko really wanted a good night's sleep in her own bed. Very slowly and carefully she shifted her knees from under Maya's head and smoothly replaced them with a sofa cushion. She then brought a spare blanket from her own bedroom and gently placed it over her dormant guest, once again feeling the urge to stay there all night, just watching the woman she loved so dearly at peace and it was with regret that she began to move back to her room, when Maya whispered a little in her sleep. "Sempai." The blonde woman's eyes widened and she pivoted instantly back to face the sofa. Had she heard correctly? Was Maya calling for her in her sleep? A sudden need to yawn reminded her of how tired she was and she guessed that that must be it, her exhausted mind was probably playing tricks on her, but she couldn't shake the slight bit of comfort she had drawn from what she thought she had heard. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thursday moved into Friday and daytime shifted into evening with no major occurrences. The only thing that had been significant, at least to Ritsuko, was giving Maya her own key to the flat. Ordinarily she wouldn't have entrusted it to someone who had been with her for such a short period of time, but it seemed only fair to allow Maya the option of coming and going as she pleased. She had surprised herself in how apprehensive she had been about handing over the physically insignificant piece of metal, but having to ensure that they were both either at home or work at the same time was a restriction upon the freedom of both of them. Besides, if Maya was only staying for a few days it wasn't exactly the substantial commitment it would have been for somebody moving in permanently. But these thoughts were not foremost in mind as she prepared to go out on Friday evening. It turned out that Maya had made plans with Shigeru and Makoto that night. Maya had seemed much happier for the past two days, although Ritsuko suspected she was hiding a lot of her true feelings from her. Still, there was a lot to be said for putting a brave face on inner pain, wasn't there? She knew that, she was living proof of that a lot of the time. She smiled as she slipped on her flat blue sandals, years of barhopping with Misato had taught her the perils of wearing high heels. Besides, it was a hot night and the shoes went well with the plain blue shift dress she was wearing. Light enough to keep cool but not revealing enough to attract unwanted attention, more specifically male attention. Giving herself a once-over in the bedroom mirror, she resolved to have a good time that night, no matter what. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Maya came out of her room just as Ritsuko was headed for the front door. They each paused to get a look at what the other was wearing. Maya looked understatedly cute in a violet halterneck top and cropped indigo jeans, with simple black kitten-heeled sandals on her feet. Her fringe was casually swept away from her face and held in place with a purple barrette. They both had to fight to keep their jaws from dropping as they surveyed each other; both convinced they were looking at one of the most beautiful women in the world. "You look nice, Ritsuko." The blonde woman suddenly felt self-conscious, she even blushed a little as she pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Oh, thankyou, so do you, I wish I could pull off a bare midriff as well as you." Maya laughed awkwardly. "Um, I might not come back here tonight, just to let you know in advance, I usually end up crashing at Aoba's after we go out, he lives a little closer to the city centre." Ritsuko nodded. "Well, I'll be at Misato's if I don't come back here, so it's best not to wait up for me." She grinned. "Have a good evening!"
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