12.45. Time for one more cigarette before she had to leave to see the commander. No matter how often she attended these liaisons she was always irrationally nervous beforehand and today she felt even worse than usual. Why did she allow herself to get so worked up over what was just sex? A form of communication and expression between two individuals that happened to be pleasurable. It needn't be any more than that. It could be given more meaning if it occurred between two people who were actually in love but the feelings; the physical sensation remained essentially the same. Perhaps that was the problem; she didn't enjoy it as much as she should because she didn't love the commander. She could fool herself, tell herself over and over again that she truly did care for him and it wasn't just because he was the only person showing an interest in her, but that argument was beginning to sound more than a little worn and over-rehearsed. No amount of her attempted logical reason could dispel the wretchedness she felt as Maya crossed her mind. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, taking a few deep breaths and making a futile attempt at clearing her head before flicking the stub of her cigarette into her ashtray and leaving her office. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ No matter how much she tried, she couldn't enjoy this at all today. He was getting what he wanted, his grunts of approval showed that, but she was distant, staring blankly at the ceiling with her mind elsewhere, not that he seemed to notice. Never before had she really noticed just how cold and uncomfortable Gendou's desk felt under her back, how careless and fumbling a lover he was, how he called her Naoko more than once when attempting to whisper 'sweet nothings' to her. She could have burst into tears there and then at the simple thought of how disgusting she was for doing this, for putting up with it, how pathetic it was that her lover was a man who thought more of her own mother than of her whilst they made love. She managed to hold back her tears but even her substantial self-control was being pushed to the limits in keeping herself from shoving him away from her, rejecting him in the disgust she really felt. Her lack of enthusiasm didn't even seem to register with him, he finished what he had set out to do, pushed himself away from her and sat next to her for a few moments as he got his breath back. "Excellent, Doctor Akagi." She refused to look him in the eye, something that didn't bother him as he refastened his trousers. She reached for her labcoat pocket to get a cigarette, but he offered her one first from a silver container kept in one of his desk drawers. She accepted it gratefully but without making eye contact. "Thankyou sir." He then offered a lighter to her. He was almost sweet towards her in the run up to and few minutes after their encounters. "You seemed disinterested today, is anything wrong?" She knew he didn't really care, he was just making small talk and there was no way she was going to tell him truthfully what was on her mind. "Everything is fine, really." She held her cigarette between her lips and she refastened her skirt, then perched with her legs crossed on the edge of his desk. Massaging his ego probably wouldn't do any damage now. "I enjoyed that, commander." She even managed a smile. "Thankyou." He simply nodded. "You may leave now." His sudden change to indifference roused no longer simply disgust but also anger within her. She pulled her labcoat back on and left his office without saying a word, making sure she had her back to him before she allowed the tears to fall. Not that he would have cared anyway. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Hey, Ritsuko!" The scientist continued down the corridor, paying no heed to her name being called. She refused to let Misato see her like this. Why was she even crying anyway? She was upset but most of that stemmed from self hatred at allowing Gendou to use her like that, and what was the point in crying when there was nobody but yourself to blame for your situation? She strode on, quickening her pace slightly, pointedly ignoring Misato who continued to pursue her. She reached her office several paces before the other woman but the door had barely closed before her friend burst through the door. "Hey, what's the big idea?" Ritsuko shook her head and faced away from Misato. "Ritsuko? C'mon, quite ignoring me, hey." her tone softened as she walked over to her, placing a hand gently on Ritsuko's shoulder, but it was shaken away. "Ritsuko?" The blonde reluctantly turned to face her and Misato was more than a little shocked to see that Dr Akagi was in tears, the woman who was usually so collected and professional regardless of proximity to her workplace. She had barely even shed a tear when her mother had passed away. Misato was at a complete loss as to what could have shaken her usually unflappable friend so profoundly to cause this reaction. It then occurred to her that Ritsuko had just come out of the commander's office. "Hey, is this about the commander? Don't pay attention to what that bastard says to you if it's upsetting you, all he ever does is chew our asses off over the slightest things, and you sure as hell haven't done anything lately to deserve it." Ritsuko shook her head and began to sob even harder, resting her head on Misato's shoulder. "Oh God I'm stupid Misato, what the hell is wrong with me?" Misato uncertainly wrapped her arms around her friend. "C'mon.shh, it's okay, it can't be that bad, you want to tell me what's up?" "I'm a horrible, horrible woman.I don't deserve anyone, Misato." Misato rolled her eyes and stifled a sigh. "Look, you know that isn't true, I know that isn't true, so don't go on thinking that for a second longer. What did the commander say to you anyway? I'll chew HIS ass off if it's him that's upset you." Ritsuko pulled away from her, wiping her eyes and trying to calm her breathing. She knew Misato's promise to confront the commander was empty and unnecessary but it still brought a small, fleeting smile to her lips. Misato was amazed at how rapidly her friend managed to pull her composure back into line, though her speech remained halting and irregular. "That won't be necessary, but thankyou." She smiled, almost self- deprecatingly. "I don't know what came over me, I haven't had a frivolous outburst like that for some time." Misato shrugged and smiled. "Sometimes it's good to get it out of your system like that. You don't have to tell me what's getting to you if you really don't want to, but I do worry about you and I have a way of finding things out." She winked. "But seriously, I'm never quite sure what's ticking over in that amazing brain of yours. It wouldn't hurt to open up a little more." Ritsuko attempted another weak smile. "You're probably right. After all, negative human emotion needs an outlet to prevent long term problems, it's basic psychology." "You never change, do you? So cool and analytical about everything." There was a pause where she regarded her friend affectionately. "Say, you wanna go barhopping on Friday? It'll be fun! We haven't gotten drunk together in months, I think we could both do with the relaxation." Ritsuko considered this. Two days' time. Would Maya still be living with her by then? Most likely the answer was yes, but if it came to it, she could just invite Maya along. Besides she may have already made plans of her own. "Sure, why not? It'll be fun, just like old times." "Great! It'll be a blast. I'm gonna leave you now, assuming you're going to be alright." Ritsuko laughed and nodded. "Thank you." "What are friends for?" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What was bugging her? Misato hadn't seen her cry since.in fact she couldn't remember if she'd ever seen her cry, not like that, such an outburst was completely uncharacteristic for Ritsuko. Something must be really wrong, and she was worried. This anxiety, coupled with her highly inquisitive nature strengthened her desire to find out what exactly was going on no end. If she wouldn't tell her today, a few margheritas on Friday should do the trick.
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