"Maya? Are you OK?" She looked up with a start, wondering where the tears on her hands and face had appeared from. She quickly wiped at her eyes. "Umm.sempai, yes, I, I'm fine." She smiled, and would have been almost convincing were it not for the tearstains on her soft cheeks. Seeing her like this again was almost unbearable for Ritsuko. The girl may have been suffering but dammit she was brave. Ritsuko found herself once again torn between the impulse to hold Maya close to her and tell her everything was going to be fine, or- Ritsuko's arms were around Maya before she even recalled the second option. Maya rose to her feet and snaked her arms around the slim waist of her sempai, sobbing into her shoulder. It occurred to her that her face was only a few inches away from the ear of her taller superior. It occurred to Maya how easy it would be to say three words, right now, one of the simplest sentences that existed, if only she were brave enough. Maya hated herself at that moment for not having the guts to just say "I love you". The opportunity was theer for her and she ignored it. Maya nuzzled a little at Ritsuko's shoulder and let out another small sob. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "If only I could tell her" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Maya was crying again. Ritsuko reminded herself that she needed to remain strong, she couldn't let go too. She blinked furiously to keep herself from crying. She managed to overcome her emotions, at least on the surface, something she had become very good at over the years. The feeling of Maya's diminutive frame pressed against her own brought another wave of tenderness over the taller woman and she sighed blissfully. Human contact. Something she had missed a huge amount in recent weeks, contact from another person who she really cared for anyway. Maya's face was all but hidden and she felt the shorter woman's head incline slightly into her shoulder. Could she say it now? She had often said it to Gendou without difficulty, why was this situation proving so much harder than she could have anticipated? In a way it felt almost like taking advantage of Maya. She was emotionally fragile and almost certainly impressionable, saying it now would be wrong, not to mention completely unfair. Besides which there was a substantial chance that her words could be misconstrued anyway, as an expression of platonic love, or worse, as the love of a workman for his tools because to all intents and purposes, in a professional environment, Maya was little more than a tool who facilitated Ritsuko's own duties. At least, that was Gendou's taken on the technician's job description. Ritsuko instead settled for kissing the top of Maya's head so softly the other girl barely noticed. "Shh, it's okay, everything's going to be alright." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "If only she knew." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ They arrived at Nerv headquarters shortly after 9.30, Maya straightaway settling into her rapid typing at her console, whilst Ritsuko headed for her office and was less than surprised by the usual ream's worth of papers that had accumulated in her inbox. She switched on her computer and whilst it was warming up she perused the uppermost file of the stack of paperwork. A post-it note was stuck to the front of it that simply read "Ring me, please" in the commander's aggressive hand. Ritsuko sighed wearily, she knew full well what that message meant, she was beginning to lose track of the number of times it had appeared in with her day's work. Ikari never requested that she called him unless he wanted to sweet-talk her into another sexual liason. She knew that she would buy whatever he said, when he wanted something he could be incredibly charming. She decided to bite the bullet and get the call over with. This was the only time she ever used his personal extension number. "Dr Akagi." "You requested I ring you, sir." "Indeed I did, how are you Ritsuko?" She sighed. He was only ever this personal with her when he was attempting to coax her to sleep with him. She would fall for it, play along with his false sweetness as she always did, but she wasn't most happy with herself when she did. "To be honest I'm a little tired this morning, but not much different from usual, yourself?" "The old men of the committee, as you may be aware, are looking to advance their schedule by a few days, naturally this displeased me but of course we are not going to bow to their demands." She made a vague noise of agreement, and they both paused for a few seconds. "I'd like to see you again today." They both knew it was more of an order than a request. "Certainly Commander, what time would you like me to arrive?" "1 p.m. would be appropriate, I have no meetings until 3 this afternoon." "I'll be there." "I look forward to it." Then, almost as an afterthought; "Thankyou, Ritsuko." She placed the phone back onto its cradle with a defeated sigh. There was something about his manner in those conversations that made her uneasy, how he could be relatively pleasant and humane to her solely to manipulate her into doing his bidding. What annoyed her more was that she allowed him to get away with it, she was more than willing for him to use her as.as what? What did she gain from it other than a few moments of physical pleasure? She was little more than Gendou's whore, just as mother had been. This had bothered her before, but not to this extent. Absent-mindedly, she lit up a cigarette and began to tap some code into her computer as she continued her ruminations. So she slept with her commander, surely that wasn't such a big deal. He gave her some validation, some meaning to her life other than her work. Aside from anything else, her exchanges with Gendou were much less messy than the other relationships she saw going on around her. Misato, running to the arms of an old flame in desperation every time she realised just how old she was getting and trying to fill her own personal void with sex. Shinji's obvious quasi-oedipal attraction to the first child was simply unnatural. She shrugged, it seemed that unconventional relationships were very much the norm within Nerv, why should her sexual encounters with Ikari be a problem? Without warning, her thoughts darted back to Maya. This complicated matters somewhat. Although she had often pondered upon it before, the line of questioning in her head seemed all the more strident in the wake of last night. She had known of her feelings for Maya for some months now, months in which she had continued her affair with Gendou without any notable crisis of conscience but now things seemed suddenly different. She realised that she had probably learned more about Maya last night than in the whole of the rest of the time she had known her. It was as if a barrier between them had been removed, not only physically in the entrance of Maya into Ritsuko's home but also emotionally, in Maya's transition from amicable colleague to friend. Maya was no longer simply a pleasant younger woman whom she worked with. Quite literally overnight she had become a real, three-dimensional person whose existence in Ritsuko's mind now went far beyond the talented Lieutenant she had previously known her as. This had in turn affected how Ritsuko felt for the other woman, the affection and desire previously felt had increased exponentially when she had invited Maya into her home and in effect brought their two worlds together. She no longer felt simple adoration and respect tinged with lust; she had now fallen completely in love with her. She loved every part of Maya she had discovered so far and wanted to learn all there was to know about her, from her, to take care of her and be taken care of by her. She had barely given a second thought to how significant inviting Maya home could have been last night and now she realised. And she knew she could never go back.
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