Ritsuko was awoken by the mouth-watering smell of frying bacon. But who was cooking, somebody must have broken in and started cooking and-no, that couldn't be it. Still reluctant to open her eyes, she allowed last evening's events to percolate back into her mind. Maya. She relaxed once again, eyes still firmly closed she noticed the lack of sensation in her left arm. She then realised the awkward position she had been sleeping in. Groaning slightly, she grudgingly allowed her eyelids to slide back, squinting a little in the morning light, she was met by green upholstery. She sighed, it had been a long time since she had fallen asleep on the sofa, obviously she hadn't given herself credit for just how tired she was when she had started reading that report last night. She began to massage the numb left hand she had slept on with her (thankfully) functioning right one, urging the bloodflow to return. She paused to check her wrist watch. 7.43. She groaned once again, pulling herself up to a seated position. Granted there was no official time she had to be at Nerv for but she had a routine and she hated being late. Maya must have seen her wake up, because almost as soon as she had pulled herself into a seated position her assistant was at her side with a fresh mug of coffee. "Good morning sempai!" Ritsuko rubbed her eyes and grunted a vague "hello". She was categorically NOT a morning person, at least not until after a cup or three of caffeine-rich goodness. She accepted the mug in her right hand, the left one still tingling as blood drained back into her fingers. She daren't even imagine how shocking she must look, especially compared to Maya who seemed perky and fresh as a daisy even though she had had to put on the same uniform she was wearing yesterday. Still smiling, the younger woman continued, "I'm making breakfast!" Ritsuko's stomach growled it's approval, she'd managed to forget to eat anything since the bagel she had grabbed on her way into work yesterday. Maya seemed so proud of herself that Ritsuko had to smile. "I'm surprised you managed to make anything, last time I checked all I had in the house was instant ramen and coffee." She couldn't help but think of Misato when she described the contents of her fridge. "Oh, I know, I went to the store you mentioned last night, they didn't have much, but I got some eggs and bacon. In fact, it's about ready to serve" she hurried back over to the stove where six rashers and a small pan of scrambled eggs were in danger of burning. Ritsuko, after a few sips of coffee, rose to her feet, rubbing her aching neck in an attempt to work out some of the kinks that had established themselves overnight. Falling asleep on the sofa may have seemed a good idea back when she was at college, or just very drunk, but otherwise it wasn't a smart move. And how often did she get drunk nowadays anyway? She muttered a few curses under her breath, had she been in her own room she wouldn't have missed the alarm. Still, breakfast was ready for her so she wouldn't really be that late and Maya seemed happier this morning, so no harm done by her oversleeping. She knelt at the dining table and Maya placed the plate in front of her. Ritsuko's stomach once again grumbled a plea for food. She tasted the scrambled eggs. "Maya?" "Yes Ritsuko?" she blushed a little at referring to her sempai by her first name. "I should have you make breakfast for me more often, this is heavenly, thankyou!" Maya's pink flush deepened into crimson. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Ritsuko rinsed the last of the suds from her hair then simply stood for a few moments, allowing the hot water to flow over her, down her back, soothing some of the still-sore muscles from her awkward night's sleep. This in itself was most unlike her, her showers tended to be quick, cool and efficient, wasting no time or water, there was something almost calculated about them. It made sense to Ritsuko, it gave her a small amount of control in her life even if it was only over something trivial. She had a certain level of control at work but not enough to make her feel at ease with everything she was doing. The more she had thought about it the more she had come to realise how little she actually knew for sure about the Angels, about the Evas, about her lover, if she could call him that. She possessed more knowledge than Misato and most of the other Nerv personnel and for this she should have been grateful but her scientist's mind was not content with the information she had been given, there were far too many unanswered questions. Thinking on such matters made her extremely unsettled, but it was a routine she had gotten into, almost habit, and she had become very adept at putting a stopper on her fears as soon as she was amongst others, but when she was alone she couldn't keep the thoughts from creeping back. This morning however everything seemed slightly different, off-kilter almost. This was doubtless a result of Maya's presence, but just why had it shaken Ritsuko this strongly? This wasn't the first time she had had feelings like this for another woman, she'd had one or two intimacies with other females in high school and college, but the attraction to men had always been there, hadn't it? She wasn't completely that way, was she? But then, she couldn't name any past boyfriends like she could her girlfriends, except Takeshi, the boy to whom she had lost her virginity on the night of her high school prom but that was certainly not a relationship, it was merely an unromantic fuck, more out of a desire to do what was expected of her that evening, to be like the other girls, and she had hated it. The only other one was Gendou, he was the single grown man she had been in a relationship with. She smirked to herself as the thought crossed her mind. "Relationship" she muttered aloud as she switched off the water. "Surely the word itself implies that the people involved relate to one another." Her and Gendou. That wasn't a relationship, not really. She wanted to relate to him, to make that effort and that connection on some level other than a sexual one. Whenever he made love to her she believed that she had found it, but the countless times she had been left alone in bed, or had him defile her at work only to depart minutes after proved to her his muttered words of love and appreciation were just that, hollow phrases spoken at the height of lust because they fitted the situation. Had it been the same for her mother? Suddenly Naoko's words rang in her head; "You've always been a little boy-shy, Ritsuko dear." Why the hell has she recalled that now? She knew the answer, much as she denied it to herself, she knew that herself and her mother were fundamentally the same. Despite her inadequate parenting the elder Akagi had, on occasion, demonstrated remarkable insight into her daughter's personality. Those criticisms were almost certainly faults she herself had. "I am not my mother." She stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and repeated her assertion "I am NOT my mother!" In fact, she knew she couldn't be, knew by the way she felt for Maya, her mother was one of the most homophobic people she had known, there was no way she could become the same person if such an important aspect of her was the polar opposite to her mother. It wasn't the most solid proof and she didn't fully believe it herself, but it gave Ritsuko something to hold on to. The thoughts in the back of her mind never really went away, but she couldn't risk dwelling on them at work, it would involve too much risk, of letting something slip, of making a mistake. Too much relied upon her being alert and making correct decisions for her to let her own issues get in the way of her work, so, as she did every morning, she pushed the thoughts as far from her consciousness as she could, locking them away until she was safely home by herself once more. She applied a final layer of crimson to her lips and left the bathroom as the smart, collected scientist everyone knew her as. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Maya anxiously glanced once again at her watch. Ritsuko had been in the bathroom over half an hour, now, perhaps she was being paranoid as she wasn't familiar with sempai's domestic habits, but 37 minutes for a shower seemed a tad excessive. Maya suspected she was just feeling a little antsy because she had nothing better to be doing, she had finished washing and putting away the breakfast dishes almost twenty minutes ago. She had flicked through a month-old TV guide discarded on the floor next to the coffee table. That had taken three minutes. She had tried flicking through the television channels but at that time in the morning it was all news or children's shows, she cared little for either, she had experienced most of what made the news first hand anyway. She settled for just sitting on the sofa, listening to cars drive by at ground level outside Ritsuko's building and losing herself in her thoughts. She cast her eye over the coffee table which was loaded with work, reports and an overflowing ashtray. This made Maya frown a little for a moment, she did not approve of her sempai smoking despite the fact that she herself would have the occasional cigarette when she was out with friends. Although Ritsuko was always so stressed and Maya had never seen her eat at work, if the copious amounts of tobacco and coffee helped at all then who was she to criticise? Sighing, she relaxed a little, sitting back into the sofa. As she inhaled she picked up faint traces of Ritsuko's perfume in amongst the sour but not wholly unpleasant odour of tobacco smoke. The blend of scents sent a shiver through Maya and she felt goose pimples form on her arms. She closed her eyes for a second and allowed the scent to surround her, it was almost like being back in sempai's arms like last night. If she was honest with herself, Maya really wasn't sure how she should feel. She was hurting, that went without saying. Yoshimi's rejection of her, kicking her out of her life, the simple thought of it brought tears to her eyes but then, she was with Ritsuko. Her embraces, her touch and her soothing words were practically codeine to the emotional pain Maya was going through. How ironic that it had taken the breakdown of Maya's longest relationship to date to bring her closer than she had ever been to the woman she craved so badly, her admired and beloved mentor. It hurt Maya however that she was far too afraid to tell Ritsuko how she felt, it seemed the most daunting prospect she had ever faced, not to mention that taking that step would almost certainly do far more irrevocable harm than good. For a start she would be sent packing back to the shabby hotel she had called "home" for the past few days, as there was surely no way Ritsu would stand living with the weird lesbo who wanted in on her underwear. Maya sighed wistfully. "That's all I am and I'll never be good enough for her." She held her head in her hands, and prayed that the truth would never come out.
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