I've been sitting in my room for almost a week. As I look out my window I find I'm not curious as to what's going on in the real world at all anymore. I never expected to come home that morning to find a message on the answering machine from her. She was crying, begging for me to come to her, though she didn't say why. Whatever it is, I know she's fine. She's pulled that on me too many times. I can't be that naive and trust her anymore. So instead I sit in my room, worried out of my mind about her. What if she was serious and was in trouble? I'd never forgive myself if something happened to Shiori. I guess sitting here for a week doesn't do me any good but it's better than seeing her, isn't it? My mind is a cruel thing. It tells me to do one thing, then another that completely contradicts the first thing it told me to do. I want to go see her and make sure she's okay. Then again, I know if I see her I'll only become weak again so in a way it's best to stay away. I don't know what to do about any of this anymore. I only wish I knew what the hell I was trying to convince myself of. When I hear a soft knocking on my door I groggily climb out of my bed. As I walk to the door I rub the sleep from my eyes and try to manage to not trip over my clothes that have been scattered on the floor. My life really has fallen apart though I'm not sure how it happened, or if I even really care that it did. As I open the door and see who is on the other side my first reaction is to slam it shut. "Shiori," I whisper instead. Why is she here of all places? To use me again? Well this time I won't put up with it no matter how much I love her. "Why didn't you come over when I called you?" she starts off, the anger already evident in her voice. "Why should I?" I retort trying not to show her any emotion. I'm relieved to know she's okay but I can't let her get the best of me. "I went through hell and I needed you that's why." She walks into my room and stops as she looks around. "What the hell happened in here?" "Is there a point to you being here Shiori?" I ask her calmly. In reality I was trying to get my thoughts to stop racing around my mind like they were. Why would she be here if it wasn't just to use me? That's all she's ever done before. "I just missed you and was worried since you didn't help me like I asked." Her words cut through my thoughts like a knife. "You never miss me Shiori. You use me whenever you please and then break my heart when your done with me. Why would I want to go through that again?" I want to let myself believe her more than anything but I know I can't. "Just trust me Juri, things are different now," she pleads with me. I feel her wrap her arms around me and mine instinctively go around her waist. 'Dammit' I mutter as my arms betray me and pull her closer. I feel her warmth against me and my resolve melts away. "I can't, I'm sorry," I say finally realizing what was happening. I push her out of my arms and notice the sudden sad expression on her face. "I can't do this again, I won't play your games anymore." My mind tells me she's serious this time, but I'm sure all she wants it me to get revenge on someone for her. What the hell is this anyways? I know one thing for sure, I hate uncertainty in anything. I can't let myself do anything with her until I know for sure it's not a joke. But my arms long to reach out to her, to hold her once again as I did moments ago. "Shiori," her name softly falls from my lips. Hey eyes light up like she knows I'm about to give into my desire for her. If I don't fight for her love, what am I fighting for then? Maybe it won't take a miracle after all. Or maybe the power of miracles lies within our own hands. Miracles... That's what I've been searching for all this time. Here, at this very moment, is a chance for me to make a miracle. If I let her walk out of here I might blow my last chance. But is it worth risking the hurt again? "Get out," I say blocking all the 'what if's' out of my mind. The look on her face almost shattered me. "Go," I say. Barely able to look her in the eyes anymore I turn my back from her. "Juri," I hear her soft voice call and I can feel her presence right behind me. I notice with that one simple word her voice has lost it's usual harshness and become much softer. "Please, don't do this to me again Shiori," I almost beg. When I feel her arms wrap around my waist I clench my hand into a fist and bite my bottom lip trying to control my emotions. "I won't hurt you again, I promise I'll never hurt you," she holds me tighter. I've dreamt of what it would feel like to have her hold me just once. Even if she will only crush me again, I can't give up can I? When I turn to look at her I notice something different in her eyes. Somehow they seem almost innocent though it's probably my mind playing tricks on me. I know I'm setting myself up to take another fall but there's no point in resisting her. She is my love and nothing can take that away. "All I've ever done was love you. Why'd you hurt me like this?" She looks up at me as I hold her in my arms. I feel her hand brush along my cheek and my body seems to go numb at the contact. Finally she breaks her intense gaze from me and looks down at the floor. "Right before Ruka died," she clutched me tighter obviously pained by the memory. I kissed the top of her head instinctively urging her to continue. "I went to see him in the hospital and he opened my eyes to a lot of things. All those times I hurt you, I didn't know I was so cruel to you. He told me about how you fought for me, only wanting my happiness even after all I did to you." Knowing now that Ruka only loved me that whole time; just the thought of it filled me with a certain anger. He was in love with me, yet I was in love with her who was in love with him. I puller her closer to me no longer caring if my world will come tumbling down later. I need her too much now. "I tried to love you before," she says as she takes my hand and leads me to my bed. As I sit down she lays beside me and opens her arms invitingly. I hesitate for a moment unsure if I have left reality or not. "Will you be able to love me now?" I ask as her arms reach for me. She pulls me to her and our lips slowly meet. Now I know reality has long ago been left behind. Every fear, every ounce of hurt I have ever felt fades away at this moment. As the kiss breaks I lay my head on her chest listening to her heartbeat as I idly wait for her answer to my previous question. "I want to try," she pauses for a second. "I think I can if you give me a chance." Her fingers run through my hair and a feeling of complete bliss encompasses me. I look up at her with a faint smile as I feel a tear slide down my cheek. "Of all the times I've cried over you, the times when I thought death was the only cure for the sorrow in my heart..." I stop briefly as she wipes the tears from my eyes. I bend down to kiss her once more and when I pull away I take her into my arms. "Even if this is a dream I'm bound to wake from, I'll never forget that even for the briefest time I had all I've ever desired within my grasp." "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that we should be together," she tells me as she moves closer into my embrace. "How long will you stay with me?" I ask, still afraid of the future. "I don't know," she answers without looking at me. I couldn't help but to hurt a little at the thought of loosing this new relationship. Maybe Shiori will leave me one day but the important thing now is to enjoy every day I have with her. "I'm sorry," she says again. "For what?" I ask as she looks up at me. The look in her eyes fills me with several different emotions. It's as if her eyes are filled with the same sorrow mine once held. She truly is sorry for what she has done and I can tell it hurts her to know what she's put me through. In some way it's a relief because now I know that I can trust her. Still, at the same time I don't like knowing she's hurting for any reason. "Don't be sorry about anything. I love you and I'm just glad your here with me now." "Hai." She kisses my cheek softly and I feel myself blush slightly. Just thinking about me even blushing causes me to blush more. "Why did you call me last week?" I ask suddenly curious. "I told you, I missed you." "People don't cry that much just because they miss someone," I tell her still not believing that was the real reason for her sudden call. "It wasn't just you I missed. I was thinking about everything the three of us had before. I suppose I'm still having a hard time dealing with Ruka's death." <Once my lover, now my friend. What a cruel thing to pretend. What a cunning way to condescend. Once my lover, now my friend. Oh you creep up like the clouds, And you set my soul at ease. Then you let your love abound, And you bring me to my knees.> "You haven't stopped loving him have you?" I ask trying not to let the hurt show in my voice. She's loved him all along, just as I have always loved her. I guess it's best that I come back to reality and realize she's only using me now. Is she simply here for solace? I can't believe I let myself trust her so easily. As soon as she's done grieving his death she'll be done with me. <Oh, it's evil babe, the way you let your, Grace enrapture me. When well you know, I'd be insane- To ever let that dirty game recapture me.> "What's wrong?" She suddenly sits up noticing how my body has tensed up. I look at her blankly unable to tell her of what I'm really thinking. <You made me a shadowboxer, baby I wanna be ready for what you do. I've been swinging all around me 'Cause I don't know when you're Gonna make your move.> Relaxing once more I stand from the bed and walk over to my window. "Sorry, I'm just lost in thought right now." It's a half truth at least. As I look into her eyes I become confused again. People always say the eyes are the window to ones soul. Nothing in her eyes suggest she is using me. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions about her using me to get over Ruka. <Oh your gaze is dangerous, And you fill your space so sweet If I let you get too close, You'll set your spell on me. So darlin' I just wanna say, In case I don't come through I was on to every play, I just wanted you.> She walks over to me and takes my hand in her own. As I look into her eyes my whole body melts. Finally I find the strength to look away from her. I've never been so scared in all my life. "Can you leave me alone for a while?" I ask, not daring to look back into her eyes. "Why?" She asks forcing me to look at her. She notices the tears threatening to spill from my eyes and throws her arms around me. Why can't she ever do what I ask? 'I'm scared and I need to be alone to think things through. I'm so desperate. Just go.' My mind thinks but my mouth dares not to speak the words. <But, oh, it's so evil my love, The way you've no reverence to my concern. So I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love, To save the pain of, Once my flame and twice my burn.> "Please?" I simply ask not bothering to hide the uncertainty in my voice. She finally lets go of me and slowly walks to my door. "Things are different now, I promise." She says before walking out. I slam my fist into the wall unsure of what to do now. How can I trust her again? More so, how can I be so helplessly in love with someone I can't even trust? <You made me a shadowboxer, baby I wanna be ready for what you do. I've been swinging all around me 'Cause I don't know when you're Gonna make your move.> I collapse onto my bed letting the days events wash over me. To afraid to sleep I just lay there staring at the ceiling feeling as if I'm just running myself in circles. I notice I can still almost feel her in my arms and my body melts. "I hope your right," I say a few minutes after she leaves. "Because I couldn't live if you hurt me again, and you know damn well I don't have the strength to refuse you." If I only had the courage to say that when she was here. Or even just the strength to walk away like I should. To be continued... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Authors notes: The song Shadowboxer belongs to Fiona Apple cuz she wrote it and sings it..So I'm only borrowing it..I'm sure she wouldn't mind.. Its my first time writing with a song put into a fic like this so if it really sucks let me know and I promise I won't do it again.. ^^;;
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