Okay, so your all probably wondering what the hells up with the title ne? Well unfortunately no one would get it if I explained it but I told all my friends this would be the title of my next fic and since they didn't believe me here it is.. The title might throw you off a bit in thinking this isn't a serious fic but it's going to be very serious, I hope.. ^^; At least the first chapter is.. Read it and let me know what you think.. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I wonder if dreams really can come true. Or if prayers really are answered. I know there's no such things as miracles, she's proven that to me already. She's ripped my world in two and shattered my heart into thousands of pieces. I love her more than words could ever say but she'll never understand. I've made mistakes in my life, I know that much. But is this the price I must pay for them? Still, there has to be something out there, some sort of hope for a happy ending. No, what am I saying? There's no way she could ever love me like I love her. She doesn't even like me as her friend. She uses me, and I fall for it every time. I'm completely in love with someone who'll never do anything but use that against me. My fate is a cruel one. I let out an exasperated sigh as I lay down in bed. I feel a few tears fall from my eyes but I ignore them. I can't be that weak, especially over her. So I'll just lie her and think about her. I hate nights like these when all you can do is stare at the ceiling and have no control over your thoughts at all. The phone rings in the middle of the night and I run to it wondering if its her. When the person on the other end says they have the wrong number I laugh at myself wondering why it would be her in the first place. She wouldn't call me, my mind just like to play dirty tricks on me. It likes to let me believe in a false hope of her feeling the same. I guess sometimes I like to pretend that maybe she can feel my pain. That she knows when I'm thinking about her and that maybe she'll come and take all this from me. Just once I'd like to have her care about me. Even if it was just as a friend I'd be happy with that. But I know that would take a miracle. But no, there are no miracles. That I'm sure of. Dreams only come true for other people and prayer is nothing but a joke. If any of that was real she would love me. She would be here in my arms and not in the arms of another. I wonder if she even knows what she's doing to me. That I spend every night in agony over the thought of her being in another's arms. And still...I'll wait until my dying day, until I breathe my last breath. Just in case I'm wrong. In case one day I have a chance. I just want sleep to come. My temporary escape from this life of hell. Yet, I still stare at the ceiling and the tears keep flowing from my eyes. I'm helpless to escape my own thoughts. I clutch the locket around my neck and pull it off. "Damn you," I curse it, and I curse her. My faith in people is gone thanks to her. I've become a cruel person with a hard heart over this. She is my only weakness, and she knows it. I fence because it's the only way I know of letting out my frustration. I duel because I'm searching for the power of miracles, to make her mine. Everything I do, every thought I think, every breath I breathe, it's all for her. "One day," I tell myself. "One day all your work will pay off and she'll be yours." I don't care if I'm only lying to myself now. It's all I have left after so many years of heartache. Nothing but empty promises to myself will get my through my private hell. The hell that only she knows I'm in. I don't know why it is that I still love her after all she's done to me. I guess I'll never be able to let go of the memories of happier days. The days before I knew the truth. Even though I know it was all an illusion I can't make this love stop. All I know is I can't let her get the best of me. Somehow I have to become as strong as everyone perceives me to be. They'll never know I'm just hiding behind a smile and a tough image. What the hell did I do to deserve this? All I know is love yet somehow I manage to mangle that into something that no one wants. I'll never know what it is that makes me such a screw up. Why can't I just be good enough? Just for one night... I look at the clock and notice it's three am. I'm still crying, though not nearly as much as before. I can feel the tears that have dried on my face as new ones slowly replace them. "Damn everything," I say as I throw the clock across the room. Surely I am the only one who knows a hell like this. I don't know if it's Gods way of punishing me or not. What I'm being punished for I don't even know. I must have done something to deserve this. If only I knew how to make things better. Maybe she thinks of me as a child. Weak and innocent and that's why she uses me. Is she completely oblivious to my feelings for her? No, she can't be. She knows. I just need to go for a walk and get some fresh air to get her out of my mind. Lazily I throw the blankets off myself and fumble around my room in the dark looking for some clothes. Finally I manage to get dressed in the dark and I head out the door without even checking to see what I look like. After all who's out at this time of the night anyways? I soon realize I'm not dressed right for the weather. I guess I forgot it tends to get colder at night but I don't really mind. The cool breeze gives me something to focus on other than her. It really is beautiful out tonight. The stars are shining so bright. There's nothing I wouldn't give to be able to give them all to her. Anything to make her happy. I laugh a little at myself for that thought. I can't do anything without thinking about her in some way. She's on my mind all the time. Everything I know, she completely fills me. Without her I'm nothing but a hollow carcass searching for a soul. Living everyday without her only breaks me more yet it's no ones fault but my own. And I'll spend the rest of my life cursing myself for that, and cursing her for using me. If I ever have done anything right I know it's loving her though. Even through the pain it causes I know it's right. That's why I'll let her use me, and I'll stay wrapped around her finger in this hell she's created for me. Because one day, she might finally learn that I'll give everything to her and all I want is one last try to make things right. I'll find the patience even if it breaks me in two. She's the last who'll ever have my heart. I sit down on the edge of the fountain in the school yards. It really is too quiet out here. I wipe the last few tears from my eyes as I realize I can't cry over this anymore. I have to be strong for her, strong for me. "It's all in your hands to show her your love," I whisper softly to myself. "Show who what?" I hear a familiar voice call from behind me. A lump forms in my throat and my body goes numb. Dear God don't let her notice the tears in my eyes. "Utena-san, what are you doing out so late?" I turn around to face her changing the subject so she won't bother me about it. "Anshi was worried about this little guy," she said holding Chu Chu up by the tail in front of me. I couldn't help but laugh at the monkey-mouse's expression. "What about you? How come your here talking to yourself at almost four in the morning?" I see her sit next to me and I can feel her gaze upon me. I ponder for a minute about telling her everything about me and Shiori. Maybe it would be easier if I had someone to talk to about my emotions instead of keeping them to myself all the time. "Oh, I just wanted some fresh air. It really is beautiful out tonight," I say deciding that my problems are mine and mine alone. I can't trust others, especially someone that's supposed to be my enemy if I ever want to posses the power of miracles. Defeating her is the only way I'll ever be sure if they exist or not. "Oh," she simply says. I'm sure she doesn't buy my answer. I'm not really the type to go out star gazing I suppose. But at least she knows better than to bother me about it. "Well I'm going, ja ne," she quickly says and takes off. I think I'll always remember that as one of the most awkward moments of my life. I stay there a while longer lost in my own thoughts. Eventually I notice the sun coming up and I can hardly believe I've sat there for so long with no regard to time. Barely able to keep my eyes open any longer I head back to my room. Soon this place will be packed with students like always and I don't feel like being around people at all. I'll just go back to my room and sleep, and if I'm lucky I'll never wake up. To be continued...
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