Behold, a dramatic resolution! Oh, yes... I'm good at those...
Kaname folded Momomi into her arms, holding her tightly and letting her cry into her shoulder. Her friend grabbed the lapel of her blazer with both hands, holding on like it was her last grip on sanity, and just cried, shoulders shaking, voice choking with the effort of trying to restrain her tears. Kaname just stared dumbly at the opposite wall, caught between rage and sorrow. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to comfort someone. Momomi’s in pain and I’ve no idea how to make her feel better, and it’s the most frustrating thing in the world. Even worse, I know she’d know exactly what to do in reverse. She’s the perfect one, and I’m clueless. Her eyes narrowed. But I know one thing. I’m so angry right now that I swear I could kill. That rotten, stinking bastard has cut Momomi to pieces, torn her apart, shouted at her and made her feel this pain. I won’t forgive him, I won’t forget this, and I will protect her. I don’t care how far I have to go, I will protect her. That’s all I can do for her, and this wrath reminds me of that. I’m make my body her shield and my anger a weapon, and I’ll hurt anyone who hurts her. That’s who I am. “I’ll kill him.” She spoke flatly, but her voice was full of barely restrained passion.
“If you killed him… you’d go to jail… and I’d be very sad,” Momomi managed, still crying.
“Then I’ll just beat him within an inch of his life. That’s fine as well.” Kaname turned, supporting Momomi as best she could. “Now, let’s go back.”
“How much did you hear?” Momomi asked belatedly.
“Enough to know that I won’t forgive him for what he’s said, in this lifetime or the next. Someone like him has no right to life.”
“You’re very… abrupt…”
“It’s not like I care about him,” Kaname said heatedly. “He’s nothing to me, Momomi. As far as I’m concerned, there’s you and perhaps five other people in my life. The rest can do what they like, and I’ll do what I like to them.”
Momomi just leaned against her, sniffing and trying to control herself.
“If you want to, you can cry. You taught me it, there’s more strength in showing your feelings than there is in hiding them away.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” Momomi sniffed. “You never cry… you don’t know how pathetic it is to feel like this. I feel wretched, low, weak, useless… anyone who looks upon me will see me as all those things as well.”
“Who cares about them? The important people won’t think that.” Kaname gritted her teeth. “But I don’t like myself for that, either. When you feel so much pain inside you could just lie there and die in life forever, but you can’t shed a tear, it’s not a happy feeling.”
Momomi pulled out a handkerchief, dabbing at her eyes. “I guess…”
“Come on. Let’s go.”
It feels like I’m walking the wrong way. I should go back in there and kick the shit of that bastard. That would be the right thing to do. No, rather, that’s what would gratify my feelings… but I know that wouldn’t make Momomi happy. “You don’t really hate him, do you?”
Momomi looked at her in surprise. “Huh?”
Kaname trudged on, feeling Momomi clinging to her arm. It’s a peculiarly distracting sensation. I guess this is what it is to bear the weight of another’s sorrow. “I can kinda tell… you have every reason to do so, but in the end, you don’t hate him. That must make it hard.”
“No, I do hate him,” Momomi said quietly. “But I don’t have your conviction. I wish I could burn with anger, like you. I always end up… just like this.”
People were staring. Kaname gave them a glare that clearly indicated their existence was surplus to requirements. “No, I envy you. Even with a father like him, you’re still a gentle person.”
“It’s not like that. I don’t want to be so weak. I’m a bad person, but I don’t have the strength to truly follow through with it, and that feels awful.”
“Hey, you shouldn’t say things like that,” Kaname said, turning and smiling at her friend. Momomi just stared back with glistening eyes. “I know I really am a bad person, hateful and short-tempered at some times and callous and cold at others. So I’ve been counting on you to change me. If you say that you’re bad, that means I really am awful.”
“What are you talking about?” Momomi mumbled.
“Hey, hey, hey. Don’t make me repeat something that embarrassing.” Kaname kept her tone light, but spared a particularly killer glare for some girl in Momomi’s class who was walking hesitantly towards her. That wouldn’t help. “But I won’t let you say nihilistic things about yourself. There are plenty of people who would kill to have half your talent and personality. Don’t expect me to tolerate you snivelling and finding fault with yourself for no good reason!”
Momomi smiled weakly. “You’re not good at unguarded compliments, are you?”
“Don’t you prefer it this way?” Kaname looked ahead. “I’m sure if I simply flattered you without that you’d think I’d finally snapped.”
“Actually… that’s true. It’s your way to be dishonest.”
“Besides, you’re no better. That wasn’t even a half-compliment!”
Momomi laughed, rather more than the comment was worth, but she needed some form of release, and laughter was a good one.
That’s something I know. In this world, laughter can take away tears. Not because laughter’s a wonderful healing force, it’s not. But when the reality of this world’s too harsh, moving into the bounds of incomprehensible nonsense and feeling that can distract you quite easily. I don’t know what laughter is, but that’s how it works. It’s better to live in a world that makes no sense at all than in a world where a clear, terrible truth exists.
“Hey, don’t laugh at me. I know when I’m being mocked, you know.” Kaname looked at her friend with her best petulant pout, making her giggle some more.
Momomi wiped more tears from her eyes, shoulders shaking. “I’m so sorry, you know… no, I’m not.”
“Impudent child,” Kaname said, prodding her friend’s nose with her free hand. “Someone with childish hair like that shouldn’t laugh at her elders, you know.”
Momomi smiled. “Well, forgive me, Kaname Kenjou-oneesama.”
“Now you sound like a fetishist! That’s just plain sama to you! Or dono, that works too.”
“You really do have an inflated sense of self, don’t you?”
Kaname pouted again. “There’s nothing inflated about it. I just know my place in the world, which is near the top. So I’m damned if I’m taking any lip from a plump doll-like kid, you know?”
“This from the girl who needs my help to get dressed in the morning? You’d fall apart without me. More to the point, you’d attract birds with scarecrow hair and stink like a pig in a shed. Full of excrement.”
“That’s because I’m a great, important person that the world must revolve around! You will respect my authority, damnit! I may not be able to wipe my own arse but I pay people to do that for me, right?”
Momomi chuckled again, catching on. “You’re certainly inconsistent, you know.”
“Inconsistent, me? Of course not, I’m always right. Sometimes what I said on Friday is different from what I’m saying on Sunday, but I’m still always right. I’m just differently right.”
“So I can’t disagree with you, then?”
“Of course not. You might say something that makes sense, but if you’re contradicting me then you’re just plain wrong. And people who are just plain wrong don’t have any right to speak in my august presence! Remember that!”
Momomi giggled again, slightly raggedly, as if she was gnawing at a tree with sharp exhalations of mirth. “I’ll… bear that in mind…”
“Do you understand?”
“Of course.”
“Now, do you comprehend? Don’t you dare contradict me, I’m the person who’s always right!”
Momomi tried to keep a straight face, but ended up failing again. “You’re better at this than I’d have thought.”
“What, being an egotistical psychobitch? Why, thank you.”
“No, at comforting people. You don’t have to act for the other thing.”
“That’s another backhand compliment, isn’t it?” Kaname demanded. “What is it with you and them?”
Somehow, they were already at their room. Kaname opened the door and pulled Momomi through, closing it behind her. Then she walked Momomi over to her bed and sat her down. The girl leaned on her shoulder again, and even though she was smiling slightly and looked stronger than before she still didn’t let go of Kaname’s arm. Which left the girl stuck there, slightly awkwardly, and uncertain of what to do next. To be able to reply that well and laugh that freely after what she’s just been through, Momomi really is amazingly strong. But she’s still pained, that much is clear, and it’s fairly obvious why, as well. I wish I could understand why she went so far. She didn’t have to pick a fight and say everything she did; her own words hurt her, and his were even worse, and she knew that would always be the way it would be. I know her well enough myself to know that she can’t shout without crying, not out of sadness, but because that’s how she displays her high emotion. Either way, though, I know what comes after. That hollow and angry and empty and exhausted feeling, where you can’t think of anything else and everything keeps running through your head, what she should have said and could have done, over and over, until you’re sick of it and yourself and the world. It doesn’t become Momomi to think like that. She should be freer, more innocent than that. I’ve made her feel those things once myself, I’m not going to let it happen again.
“What’s up?” Momomi asked, sounding amused. “You’re spacing out on me.”
Kaname blinked and looked away. “Sorry. I was just thinking about something.”
“It’s kinda embarrassing, you know, when you stare at me so closely.”
“I was staring at you?”
“You didn’t notice? Your head was close like this-” Momomi turned Kaname’s head to face hers and tilted her own slightly, widening her eyes and staring blankly at her friend. “And that’s how you looked. It was a bit creepy.”
Kaname snorted. “Like hell I looked like that. I never look that doofy.”
“Well, if you won’t believe an eyewitness account, what am I to do?”
“If I look so bad, couldn’t you have taken photographic evidence?”
“I’m not a stalker like someone we know.” Momomi smiled. “Besides, you wouldn’t have liked what it would have shown you.”
“Tush,” Kaname said, turning away. “A girl does a little thinking around here, and look what she gets for it.”
“So you’ve stopped denying it?”
“If confessing will stop you from becoming anything more Shion-like than you already are, I’ll confess to anything.” Kaname scratched her nose. “Except the invention of the skirt. I do have some standards.”
“Feminism again?”
“I don’t have an agenda here. I just fricking hate skirts.”
“You must hate our school uniform, then.”
“Believe me, I do.” Kaname looked at the ceiling. “When I grow too big for this set, I’ll fold it and tuck it away neatly in the bottom of my draw. And when that happens again, I’ll store it again, just like before, and so on and on. And at the end of my time here, I’m going to take out each and every set, and burn each and every piece, one at a time. Then I’ll put the ashes in a box and scatter them to the four winds above the lake.”
“You’re as excessive as ever.”
“That’s not being excessive. That’s extracting proper satisfaction from a task.” Kaname tapped her teeth. “Actually, I might take the box to the top of the clock tower and scatter the ashes there. That’s an idea. Which do you think?”
“You could float the box on the lake and set on fire,” Momomi suggested. “Like a Viking funeral.”
Kaname applied her best severe look. “Now you’re just being silly.”
Momomi giggled and then fell silent suddenly, face falling slightly.
Kaname frowned when she noticed the change. “What’s up?”
“I was just thinking… I’m going to be taken away from here. I won’t be able to hear you laugh ever again. I won’t ever be able to listen to you rant incoherently ever again. I won’t be able to talk with you, smile with you, do your hair, walk with you, eat with you, work with you- it’s so… unfair. I don’t want-”
Kaname placed her free hand on her friend’s shoulder and tried to work out how to spin this one. I’ll keep in touch- too miserable. There’s nothing to worry about- too false. Stick your chin up- too cold. Everything will be all right- too stupid. “Hey, I told you, didn’t I?” she said, with false brightness. “We don’t lose. It isn’t over until it’s over… so when you’re feeling stronger we’ll go and see the Etoiles. They’ll be able to help us. I hate to admit it, but it’s impossible to argue with those two when they have their minds set on something.”
Momomi smiled weakly. “Thanks, Kaname… but I’ve never been the kind of person who thinks they can do everything.”
Wrong answer, huh? I wonder, was there even a right answer to be found? Kaname raised her head. “Well, maybe they can’t do anything,” she said defiantly. “But there’s still a chance. And I might not be able to do anything, but I’ll still be giving it my all. And Olesa and Amiki and Shion too… you shouldn’t accept defeat just with this. We’re not through yet.”
“You say that because you don’t know him, but it really is helpless. When he’s set his mind on something like that, he won’t change it. He’s too stupid and stubborn and-” Momomi fell silent, her face miserable.
“I don’t know about that, but it’s got nothing to do with it anyway,” Kaname said, chancing on a harsher tone. “You’re the one who can chose for yourself. You can give up now and slink back home in shame… or you can fight it every step of the way. Perhaps it’s only choosing the manner of your departure but my mind’s always made up. I won’t accept this, and I’ll let him, the Etoiles, the Superior, I’ll make everyone know that. I’ll fight until the end for you.”
“Kaname…” Momomi looked down, her fringe over her eyes. “This is why you’re strong. I can’t bring myself to say that.”
“Don’t use weakness as an excuse,” Kaname said. “If you don’t try, you can’t know! You can’t disguise a lack of will as inability. If I’m your idol, imitate me. Fight until you literally can’t, then you can call yourself weak.”
Momomi sighed. “You’re as unforgiving as ever.”
“What did you expect me to do? Sit here and hold your hand? How would that help in a harsh world?” Kaname flicked her forehead again. “When I’m in a fight, there are times when I’ll get hurt, sometimes badly. But I can’t stop fighting back because of that. I have to press through the pain and carry on. After a while you realise that your opponent is smarting as well.”
“That’s not the case with my father…”
“That is the case with your father. No man who calls himself a man can listen to what you said to him without being hurt on some level.” Kaname shrugged. “Even if he’s pretending to be a rugged, hard man that won’t change.”
“Then what do you suggest I should do?” Momomi asked. “Go back and yell at him some more? How would that change anything?”
Kaname made a face. “You know, I was hoping you could handle that bit. My fighting analogy falls down because I can repeatedly smack my foe in the face until they fall over, but that won’t work here and I’m not so big on the whole plan thing.”
“Some things don’t change.”
“But I have a point, right? Isn’t this a good time to try our divide and conquer strategy?”
Momomi glanced at her. “Divide and conquer?”
“Now, what you do is… go and find Araldo, say, and rescue poor Serané from him, and talk him round. He’s such a sap that won’t be hard. Luigia’s probably already on your side and Yukaho should follow, as she knows this school… then you’ve got him from all three sides. He’s unreasonable but he’s not fricking nuts, when you all tell him one thing he’ll have to listen.”
“Or he might take the chance to exert his stupid patriarchy,” Momomi muttered unhappily.
“Well, yes,” Kaname admitted. “But if you don’t do anything, we’re screwed anyway, right?”
“I guess so… you’re making me force myself again.”
“You’ll thank me in good time.” Kaname frowned and pulled out her handkerchief, handing it to the other girl. “Now, clean yourself up and get ready to go. You’re you, so I know you’ll be fine. I believe in you.”
Momomi frowned. “You left this handkerchief in here when this stuff was washed, didn’t you? How undesirable.”
“Well, forgive me for not having a perfectly clean, folded and pressed one to hand! It’s good enough, isn’t it? Besides, you’re the one who takes my stuff to the wash.”
“It’s still your clothes, you should have reminded me.”
“Isn’t that a bit unreasonable when you insist on taking responsibility for this anyway- hey, wait. That doesn’t matter at all, damnit!”
Momomi laughed. “Alright, alright.” She stuck her own damp handkerchief in her blazer pocket and wiped her face again, sniffing slightly. “I’ll go and wash my face. I expect a better plan of action from you when I come back.”
“Easy for you to say. What was wrong with the first one?”
“It’s completely useless, that’s what’s wrong with it.” Momomi walked towards the bathroom, closing the door.
“I don’t hear you coming up with any better ideas.” Kaname frowned to herself then realised what she was saying, chuckling softly. That was fast. I don’t have to force you into anything, Momomi, you’ll fight until the end. I just have to remind you of who you are, right?
“And what’s your part in this grand design?” Momomi asked from the other room.
Kaname shrugged, slightly unsure herself. “I’ll talk to the Etoiles and all our friends. To be honest, several of those are a lot smarter than I am. Well, at thinking of how to manipulate people, I’m no good at such deceptive things.”
“Of course. But it’s true, when I think about it…”
“And if all else fails, I’ll team up with Amiki and Kariya, dress up in our kendo gear to disguise ourselves, and beat up your father until he agrees to let you stay.” Kaname frowned. “That could be pretty fun, actually. I might make that our Plan A after all.”
“Don’t you dare!”
“I’m joking, I’m joking! Don’t be too uptight.” Kaname folded her arms, pouting at herself in the mirror. “I do know what appropriate action is, you know.”
“Well, it’s hard to tell sometimes.”
“That’s a Plan C at best, after all.”
“Kaname!”
“I’m still screwing with you. God, but you’re easy to lead.”
“Aren’t you the same?” Momomi asked, sticking her head out the bathroom door. She looked a lot better now, actually.
“I know. Well, I’m sure you wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Momomi walked up, folding Kaname’s handkerchief and sticking it in her other blazer pocket. “You’re right, I guess. This way is more entertaining.”
“As ever, I’m so valued.” Kaname scratched her nose. Business as usual…we bounce back quickly, but is this resilience or being in denial? Is there actually any difference?
That comfortable state of existence when Momomi’s phone beeped. She frowned and slipped it out, reading the message.
Kaname frowned. “What’s up?”
“It’s from my sis. She wants to meet me by the lake, alone.”
Kaname blinked. “By the lake?”
“Coincidence. Don’t read too much into that. But it’s what sis does, when one of these rows comes up. We meet up and talk things over.”
“So, basically, it’s a perfect chance to get her alone and execute my cunning plan?”
“Pretty much, apart from the cunning thing. It isn’t exactly very cunning.” Momomi returned her phone to her inside blazer pocket.
“I told you before, the principle of divide and conquer is one used by many great generals. For a start, there was Napoleon…”
“Napoleon lost. We just studied that.”
“Well, he made a good game of it, be fair.” Kaname shrugged. “Sometimes simple is best, especially on short notice. While I was cheering for you, all those things you said leave us with very few options.”
“What’s done is done,” Momomi said firmly. “I don’t have time for regrets right now. We can save that until later.”
Kaname nodded. “Good luck.”
Momomi turned away and strode confidently out the door. “See you later.”
Kaname followed her, stopping and leaning against the door. “You know, I’ve always wondered…”
Momomi stopped for a moment. “What?”
“When someone like you, the compassionate and weak one, gets like this… where do you get your strength? It’s pretty impressive, you know.”
Momomi blushed. “It’s nothing like that. I just-”
“Think of the tears of babies and the dew on a morning flower or something like that?” Kaname teased. She’s feeling better, so I’m feeling good. For as long as we can smile like this, we can’t lose. I hope, anyway.
“No, not that-”“Hmm… how about my beautiful smile?”
Momomi rolled her eyes. “Are you flirting with me?”
“What? Teasing, teasing! Like you did with me before, remember? I still owe you about a month’s worth of embarrassment!”
Momomi giggled. “Well, I’m sure I draw an unimaginable power from your goofy, embarrassed look. Keep that up and I’ll be fine.”
Kaname folded her arms. “I’m not being embarrassed for anyone’s convenience.” But she still smiled at Momomi’s back as the girl ran off. I wish I hadn’t said good luck, now. There’s no need.
She finally reached the edge of the lake, pausing for a moment and staring nostalgically over the clear surface. Luigia didn’t seem to be there yet, so she walked forwards and remembered the past. We sat here and I talked about who I am. I remember that. In a way, everything began there. That was when we’d both exposed our worst to each other.
“You’re looking thoughtful.”
Momomi gasped and whipped her head round, staring at him. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Rodrigo shrugged. “We need to talk. In fact, I arranged for us to talk.”
Momomi took a step back, ready to bolt and run like hell. “You tricked me? You did something as low as that?”
“You say low, I say effective. I’m not in the mood to drag you kicking and screaming out of your room.”
Momomi snorted. “Isn’t that the proper course of action for the high and mighty Victorian patriarch?”
Rodrigo stepped forwards, looking over the surface of the lake. “He’s not here.”
“What?”
“I said, the Victorian patriarch, the respected head of the Phareli family, isn’t here. This conversation isn’t happening in that respect.”
Momomi blinked. “What the hell? Have you finally lost it?”
“I told you, Lord Phareli isn’t here. But a man called Rodrigo Phareli who has a daughter is talking to you.” Rodrigo snorted. “If after thirteen miserable years you can’t make that simple distinction, then there really is no hope for you.”
“It’s not my fault that you’re fricking insane!” Momomi winced when her own words registered, bracing herself for the inevitable blow. But it didn’t come.
“If you say so,” Rodrigo said. His hands were in his pockets, and he looked out over the lake with a sense of tranquillity radiating from every pore.
Momomi blinked, finally using her head. He tricked me here using sister’s phone… that’s something Olesa or I would do. And now he’s here, he’s being so damn diffuse. It’s not like him at all. If he wanted something from me, he’d come and take it. That’s what he does. So… why? “I don’t understand,” she admitted, finally.
“My father served as an officer in the Italian army in the Second World War,” Rodrigo grunted. “He was mostly willing, he says, he doesn’t make any bones about that. But as an officer there were times where him as a man had to be second to him as an officer. Especially when lives were on the line. You see?”
“So you’re using your duty as the patriarch of the Phareli as an excuse for your domineering, abusive, ignorant behaviour,” Momomi said, testing the limits of her newfound freedom to say what she liked.
“You aren’t someone who will ever understand. You have no apprehension of the concept that sometimes one must say what is appropriate, not what one feels from the heart.”
“So, forget what, what the hell does your black heart have to say to me?”
“I cam here to confirm the things you said,” Rodrigo replied. “How much of it was from the heat of your anger, and how much of it is your truth. Further, I need to know how strong your truth is, because the truth of any person is a frame of reference, not a reliable guide to their actions.”
Momomi just blinked some more, before she finally found her voice again. She scowled severely. “So, stop messing around. Come out and say it. It won’t bite?”
Rodrigo kept his voice flat and even, without looking round. “Are you gay?”
“Of course.”
“Are you an atheist?”
“I like to think of myself as an extremely doubtful agnostic.”
“Do you hate me?”
“Of course.”
Rodrigo chuckled. “I’m glad I’m doing something right. If someone like you had any love for me my father would throttle me to death from beyond the grave.”
“Stop playing around, like I said. Where is this going?” Momomi tried to keep the anger in her voice. “You said it yourself, you consider this a completed matter!”
“Life isn’t that simple. Allow me a few more questions.” Rodrigo closed his eyes. “You say that you are attracted to other girls and only other girls, correct?”
“Yes! I’ll say that over and over until it penetrates your thick skull!”
“What would you do, if the whole world was against you on that? All your family, all your friends, your Church, your rivals, your teachers, everyone?”
Momomi rolled her eyes. “This is the twenty-first century, father. I’m afraid the consensus in some countries is in my favour, and at the very least I have supportive friends.”
“That wasn’t the question.” Rodrigo knelt down, picking up a rock. “I asked you what you’d do, if you lived in such a world.” He skimmed the pebble across the surface of the lake. It bounced six times before sinking; she wondered idly where he’d learned that trick.
Momomi considered making a bold declaration of defiance, then realised he’d laugh at her. With some justification. “I’d live as best I could, when I could, hiding my feelings if that’s what I have to do to survive. But I’d still be true to them when I could, and I wouldn’t marry, and I’d act in secret if I had to. I wouldn’t try to force myself.”
“You’re still thinking in simple terms. You have to understand that in this world, your mindset, too, will be shaped by those things. In an environment where it isn’t even acknowledged, except as a matter for prosecution, I doubt your convictions would be so easy to hold onto.”
Momomi snorted. “What’s up now? Since when did you talk about this so calmly, anyway?”
“If you simplify this too much, you’re only insulting those who have gone before you,” Rodrigo said warningly, ignoring her questions. “In such a world, there’s plenty of room to get confused, to misunderstand or simply deny your nature. Nothing’s so convenient as you’d like to believe.”
“Now you’re just making things way too ambiguous,” Momomi snapped. “If I’m gay, I’m gay. Even if I’m in denial, nothing changes.”
“Wrong.” Rodrigo had snapped that, but now he lowered his voice. “What changes is your behaviour. You’d grow up with an infinite, horrible feeling of self-doubt, and self-loathing, suspecting that you are weird, denying it, and always, always making excuses for yourself. I just haven’t met the right girl yet. I’m just less sexualised than other people are. I’m a little slower than everyone else is, but I’ll catch up in the end. Those are the thoughts you’d keep locked inside your head. Because the worst thing is, there’s no one to talk to at all.”
Momomi just stared, opening and closing her mouth and trying to find words. It’s not like I don’t understand what he’s saying. But I’ve no idea why he’s saying it. What’s he getting at? “If this is an obscure way to criticise homosexuality then-”
“That’s the feelings you would have if you lived in such a world. That’s all.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I want you to understand what your own words mean,” Rodrigo said. “I want you to understand the meaning of being so perverted, unnatural and weird. It’s a path that can be easy, but it can also be so very hard. But you say it so easily, loudly, clearly, and irrevocably. That’s what I’m questioning. You condemn yourself to that so easily.”
“I know who I am, father.”
“That’s also something you say far too freely. You’re young, stupidly young, you’re barely coming to terms with your growing self as it is. It’s not the time to pretend that you know everything about yourself.”
“I know about this, it’s not something I can mistake.” Momomi frowned. “Besides, you told me yourself, how terrible it is to be in denial. I’d rather be wrong but decisive than that badly screwed up.”
Rodrigo picked up another pebble and threw it out into the water. “Don’t you think you should wait, though? How can you know that there isn’t someone out there, a special boy, who can finally bring it out in you?”
“I’m sorry, but that’s beyond the ability of any boy on earth, I think.”
“But if you thought like that, you might spend a lot of time looking for that special boy. And it would take a long time, and you probably wouldn’t get any results anyway. But perhaps one day, you’d find a good boy, a true, kind, good boy with a wonderful personality, the best friend you’ve ever had. What would you make of that?”
“A best friend. What’s to make of it?”
“In that world I invented for you, you might make a husband of him. That would be convenient for you, that would protect you.” Rodrigo snorted again. “Of course, nothing would change in the long run. She’s still not the special one who can fix you. If you were desperate enough, you might even keep on looking. Even though that’s a sin, what’s a sin if it’s to obliterate an even bigger sin? What’s the sin of one action when it might redeem the sinful core of your very being itself?”
“Father… are you…”
“That’s a hypothetical situation, again, in my hypothetical world. It’s a pretty miserable world, Momomi. That world is the consequence of being so fundamentally broken, in an environment that cannot accept that. I want you to understand, when you say those things, that’s a reality you might have to accept.”
Momomi bit her lip. “It doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re saying at all.”
“Of course, you’d have children, Momomi, because that’s what’s expected of you and you’d be amazed how well people can force themselves if they have to do so. Not even being so debased would be an excuse to abandon such a basic duty of humanity.”
Momomi blinked again. “When you’re talking like this… I don’t know you at all…”
“You only ever knew Lord Phareli. I didn’t want to know you, and you didn’t want to know me. And this is probably the only time we’ll ever talk like this, so take these words to your grave. If you don’t, I’ll make your grave early.”
Momomi collected herself. “Look, if you have anything to say, can you just say it?”
Rodrigo glanced at her. “One last question. Knowing all this, are you still going to say what you said? Knowing the consequences of being so broken? You’re still young, there’s still time to become something other than what you are now.”
“I’m not broken, there’s nothing to fix, and I’m not changing.” Momomi glared at him. “There’s nothing more to be said.”
Rodrigo laughed shortly and looked away. “You have a terrifying degree of conviction, just like me. And the second child isn’t suited at all to the position of Lord of the House… just like me.”
“Luigia will be your successor. That’s fine, isn’t it?”
“I wasn’t expecting to be the successor, either. What would you do, Momomi? If it came to that?”
“I’d ask the family if they could accept a gay head who’d do things very differently from anything that’s come before.”
Rodrigo laughed again. “You’re always so determined to exert your will on the world. It’s like you have a grudge against it. You’re too stubborn and argumentative for words… Araldo’s the opposite, he’s got no real strength but he’s tactful and cautious. That’s why Luigia is the most suitable heir. She has a balance of both qualities.”
“I’m not interested in such things.”
“I know. Just like I used to be, may history never repeat itself.” Rodrigo turned and glanced at her. “But you do have my talent, the ability to state anything with such force that it must be a simple, universal truth. Because you’re the one speaking.”
“You’re saying… when you said all that crap, you knew?”
“I’m not saying I’m wrong,” Rodrigo said, turning and walking past her. “I’m just saying we both have that talent. But this conversation is over.”
“Wait!”
He gave her a severe glare. “The next time I see you, I’ll shout at you for half an hour then beat you, unless a very long time has passed since then. I suggest you make it a very long time before we next meet.”
“What are you going to do with me?”
Rodrigo headed back towards the dorms. “I’m going to punish you.”
Momomi ran towards him. “You can’t! Wait! Listen to me as well, you bastard, I can’t-”
He glanced at her. “I don’t want you in my house until you’ve developed some maturity. Do you understand, Momomi?”
She froze. “You mean-”
“Don’t say it. This isn’t a favour to you, but to your mother. If we were in the same house together, we’d only hurt her.”
She managed to nod. “I- understand.”
“Remember. Don’t you dare show your miserable hide to me before you are twenty-one!”
Momomi raised a hand. “What about Serané-sama?”
“You’re as pushy as ever. Don’t make me too impatient, girl.”
“Just answer!”
“I’m thinking about it.” He walked away without another word.
Momomi watched him go. So that’s what a true mirror person is. Casting no light, merely reflecting the radiance of this world’s expectations, black and rotten inside…and at the end of the day, you don’t know them at all. I’ll struggle hard, so I never become that.
Back to Astraea Lake Index - Back to Strawberry Panic Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction