Astraea Lake (part 13 of 76)

a Strawberry Panic fanfiction by Lestaki

Kaname clenched her hands, staring intently out the window. This time, I’ll say it. I know I can say it. So listen, Momomi. That’s all I could ever ask of you.

Another scenario is something concerning our mutual assignment. It would have to be slightly unusual. A stratagem so controversial that she can only refer to it in the strictest type of privacy. But if that was the case, she could probably have referred to it on the spot. On the other hand, she might have had to finalize the details during this time. It’s a possibility. If that’s the case, I have nothing to worry about… except whatever unnatural plan Kaname has come up with. If it’s so bad it makes her bashful it must be truly dire. No, that in itself suggests that there’s something else going on, there’s no way Kaname could be embaressed about a plan of attack, unless it involved making out or kittens or something. If it worries Kaname, it would probably cut no ice with my father, none at all. And why the lake? It’s a quiet place, but there are quieter places. It’s chiefly important for sentimental reasons, which brings me back to my original hypothesis. Which isn’t good.

Momomi sighed and began to sketch a another flower. When I think like this, I know there’s something wrong. Forget it. Flowers. Flowers are pretty. Cherry blossoms. They’re important in Japan. They say flowers have a language, but like any other it gets lost in translation. My mother taught me everything she learned about the European flower language, and the Hanakotoba as well. She truly loved flowers… I should say loves, I shouldn’t starting thinking like an obituary. But the cherry blossom which speaks of erudition has no relation to the kind, transient sakura. And camelia which means modest excellence, it’s not the same as a flower camelia which is love and longing. Lavender’s another good one…to the Japanese, it’s to be faithful. To Europeans, it is to mistrust. It’s just as well flower symbolism is dead to most of the world, or we’d need translators. Some of them, though, the meanings remain in both languages. It can’t be a coincidence, from Forget-me-not to Magnolia to that burning red rose. Cultural assimilation, in which two becomes one. I wonder, could that happen to languages wholesale? Some people might resent such a thing, but to me it would be beautiful. She finished with her cherry tree and found a new space on the page, drawing another flower. Daffodil. Now there’s an interesting case. In Hanakotoba, it means respect, a simple, wholesome thing. It means that in English, as well. Chivalry, the determination of the strong to protect the weak. Uncertainty, those wavering doubts that are very human. And…as well as that, unrequited love.

Momomi tapped her pencil against her lips, frowning again. She didn’t like the way the last flower had come out. She rubbed it out carefully, then started again. But, I’ll admit, the idea that flowers can speak is a beautiful one. I suppose that’s why mother likes it. It’s an unreal thing, something that doesn’t make sense to my father or anyone else, but, perhaps, if you know what it means, that’s enough. Flowers could clarify your own thoughts as much as they’re used to send your thoughts to another. And flowers can represent others, too, with these very human qualities… well, perhaps you could make a flower bed, and call it a person. But if I was to pick just one, I should be Camellia, in the European sense, of course. Or does that better suit Amane? Unpretentious perfection…well, I find her lack of pretention pretentious, myself, but I’m damned if I can say that in flower. If I was to be honest, I’m a thorn-apple. Disguise and deception, not to mention potent hallucinogens. So it isn’t pretty… but don’t take it lightly. I don’t consider myself ugly, though. Momomi smiled to herself. I guess I’m taking myself too seriously.

Serané is a Dahlia, there’s no doubt about that. Elegance and dignity, good taste, it’s a flower that spans across the languages but has the same meaning at heart. Or a white rose, perhaps. A flower that speaks of a saint. But all the same, she’s more complex than that. Kariya…Edelweiss? Oak leaves? Just pile up all the flowers that say strength and loyalty, and that’s her through. Shion would be misteltoe, as the girl who most needs a boyfriend or girlfriend to make sure she has something to do with her time besides hang around girls younger than her… and Amiki is grass. Submissive loyalty, to the point of stupidity, undoubtly. Olesa… lettuce? Ha, that figures. Which just leaves Kaname. Aggressive, strong, proud, independent, but all the same, she’s protected me and helped me. She can blush really easily and she doesn’t smile very often, she’s a natural pessimist. She’s relaxing to be around but she doesn’t relax much herself. She’s good but that isn’t good enough, she has to be the best. She’s the only person I could call I friend, but she always says that she’s my enemy. She pretends to be decisive and determined but she has very deep human doubts, she forces herself so much precisely because she’s insecure with herself. That’s what I think, anyway. Kaname isn’t anything so simple as a mere loner or bully, which is the way she’s normally seen. Her personality’s deeper than that, and it has a certain ephemeral quality that I can never quite pin down. If I was to chaarcterise her, even by stereotype, I wouldn’t know where to begin. But I might begin with a Daffodil. That leaves me where I started.

Momomi looked out of the window again, toying idly with her pencil. Perhaps she wants to say that she doesn’t want to help me against my father any more. But why would she say that? She still seems enthusiastic…insofar as Kaname ever is enthusiastic. Perhaps she disagrees with my methods. But it’s not like she’s been above suggesting such things herself, like when I had to apologise to my father. Which was embaressing, to say the least. She does resent the others a bit, I think, especially Olesa and Amiki, but on the other hand she seems to get on with them, in her way, better than I do. That doesn’t mean, in her words, that she has to like it, though. Besides, for something like that, she wouldn’t be so tactful or fussy, now would she? She’d just tell me, and I’d try to keep her on board. That would be easy, but important, because I’m not sure what I’d do without her. That’s an odd thing… it’s not like she’s too important. I guess I need someone that’s reliably on my side, which definitely can’t be said for the others.

When I look at it, that’s not very likely, though. Momomi flicked her pencil nervously from finger to finger. Shouldn’t I be preparing my response to the most likely scenarios? The most likely scenario of all? But that’s the thing, I’m not certain. I can’t have any certainity in matters of the heart, because I don’t have any experience or guidance. Neither my mother nor my father had anything much to say on the subject. My mother would say something nebulous about following the heart. My father wouldn’t have anything to say, except perhaps that I should shut up and let him deal with everything. If pressed, he’d talk about exerting yourself over others and using force of personality, which is uncomfortably close to how I view these things in hypothesis. Both of us are too bitter and disgusted to side with mother, because of mother. But she would believe that, all the same. She’s weak, but there was… is… something about her that could never be destroyed. It had everything to do with romance and flowers and sentimentality. A sentimentality which should have been impossible for her and her life. A sentimentality that was entirely weak and pathetic, trampled by those with strength… but she clung to it, and she kept to it, with such a winsome smile. I can’t understand that.

But that’s a tangent! It’s like my mind’s deliberately dodging the issue…actually, that might exactly be it, but I don’t want it to be so. Momomi sighed again, brushing her hair out of her eyes. She remembered the way she’d held her hair when she was playing that game, a simple but inviting gesture, a way of removing obstacles and framing her face. She didn’t know what she was doing, but it had felt like the right thing to do. Something in those red eyes had told me that it had been the right thing to do. So perhaps I do know a little about this. Perhaps it’s just something you know. Or perhaps I’m just a delusional fool. If I’m the one who’s wondering what she felt when I did that, if I thought I saw a rise, doesn’t that make me the one who wants to see things that aren’t there? Isn’t it possible that I’ve completely misread the situation? How can I know that it’s normal to draw that conclusion from this position? It might be I’m fooling myself, because I have the same stupid, over-romantic mind that my mother has… seeing things where there are none. Relating everything to love, like a clueless child, which is what I am.

Or… even worse…can I even know whether I’m the one who’s got a crush on my best friend here? I might just be reading the subtext that I want to be able to see, because I like to be around Kaname. The way I tease her, touch her, play with her emotions and mother her, I say that’s all a game and that when she blushes, I see that as reaction. But her blushes might be the reaction of a platonic friend to someone who’s just being a little too clingy, a little too weird. I say she likes me and she’s dishonest, but that could as easily be me. What if I like her…it’s not like I don’t know who I am, as hard as it for me to accept. Even in this environment, it’s not something that’s natural, it’s not what people expect between girl and girl. But for all I know, it’s informing all my actions, and this belief that she’s intending to- say something like that, that might just be what I want to see. After all, it’s merely me interpreting evidence. What facts do I have? She was a little embaressed and evasive and formal and made it a proper meeting. This was after her annoyance at several of my games, where I played with her embaressment about even the vaguest implications of romance. But isn’t that a natural reaction? In fact, the opposite may be the case. She could be planning to tell me to lay off and step back, because she’s not interested in that kind of relationship. Now, that…it should be funny, but I think it’d just be excruciatingly embaressing, for both of us.

But it’s not true, I really am just teasing her. Momomi sighed, feeling a little ill. I think, probably, but how can I know what motivates me? Even if I am just teasing her, that doesn’t necessarily inform how other people see what I do. Today was such powerful proof of that…Kaname might well be the same. One way or the other. I really should be more careful, but it’s just so- fun, when Kaname blushes. She’s so dignified and uptight and snappish and all-round antisocial for the rest of her life, so being able to reach her vulnerable side and bring it out is a lot of fun. I’m practically doing her a favour to do so, too. I’d like it if one day Kaname could believe in Kaname, if she could show weakness and accept people and live a more normal life, a life with less fear of being hurt. Of course, I’m just the same, but I’m not sure if I have the strength to change. She could do it, though. I believe in that. But that’s just an idle and unlikely dream. I act for my own amusement, not alturism. And if she ever was able to do something like that, I’d never be able to follow her with all my heart. I’d have to fake it.

Momomi caught the threads of her own drifting thoughts, and felt like banging her head on the desk. What the hell am I thinking? This isn’t the time for poetic nonsense like that…there’s more important things to deal with. Kaname might confess to me. Or she might tell me to stop coming onto her. Crudely put. Or it could be something completely different and I just have a really dirty mind. I don’t know how I’d react to either scenario, and obvious the third option is a complete wild card. But… I can probably deal with that, I can think fast enough. The first two are harder because I have no experience of romance or anything like that. I’m thirteen, already! But I guess I’ll gain experience if I’m forced to begin early like this. Of course, the learning process implies the existance of major mistakes. And I’m definitely not sure whether I want to be learning with Kaname. None of this deals with my reactions. From a purely pragmatic perspective, I should just roll with whatever she says. I’m sure I could fake a romance, but I’m not sure how far I could take it. And… that’s not what I want to do with Kaname. I told her a lot of truths. I manipulate her a bit, but I don’t think I could bear to go that far. She frowned. That’s probably my limit, because not even I’m perfect at what I do.

So that just leaves the far more intractable problem of sincerity. It should be as easy as turning her down or deny everything with a smile and a laugh. That should be simple. But… I don’t think it can be so easy. Even if I’m not interested in romance, I like teasing her and staying close to her and looking after her, because she can’t look after herself and we’re alone in a moderately hostile world together. I could easily distance myself a little, that might even be a good idea, but I don’t think I want to. I like things the way they are. That’s fine, right? But, even if that was the case, wouldn’t something be lost? I always liked things to be unspoken, ambiguous, and playful, not serious, never earnest, always saying things and taking quite different actions, on and on. I could be at ease like that. Perhaps I was being irresponsible, but things were more… fun, that way. It won’t change anything, though. If she has to say either of those things, it won’t be something we can turn back from. Things will change. Hopefully, they won’t change for the worse. I can only cling to my selfish hopes, irrespective of her feelings. I’ve always used Kaname, I’ve played with her emotions to gratify my own, I’ve never really cared what she felt when I teased her. That’s all I know to do. It’s something I say because it sounds dark and I can feel proud, in a warped way, of that. Like everything else, though, there may be some truth in it.

So I don’t know what to do. But that’s fine. If I think for long enough, everything will resolve itself. Rationality begets clarity, sufficent efforts will allow me to determine the best reactions to all possible scenarios. That’s why the warning was useful, I suppose. It’s just a matter of time. That was when the bell rang, concluding the day’s final lesson. Oh… so much for that. Momomi collected up her things and stuck them into her bag, moving slowly and uncertainly. She took a breath then stood up, walking towards the door.

“Yo.”

“You!” Momomi said, glaring at Amiki. “What the hell are you doing there?”

“Olesa sent me. She wants to talk frankly with you. Can you spare five minutes?”

“How did you get here so fast, anyway?”

“Third Class was having a maths lesson next door.”

“Oh, right…”

“Olesa’s gone on ahead, to the library,” Amiki explained. “She has important business to take care of before we begin with the Church, whether you come or not.”

“Well, I have a prior engagement,” Momomi said, stepping away. “Forgive me. No, wait, don’t bother…”

“Are you sure you can’t spare even a few minutes?” Amiki asked. “This won’t take long, and you can leave whenever you like.”

That was Olesa’s script, not Amiki’s words. But the fact that her rival had gone so far intrigued Momomi. “So, what does she have to say now?”

“What she has against you and your family. She’s decided it’s too childish to hold it back.” Amiki frowned, pushing off the wall. “But if you’re too careless, I’ll hurt you. Don’t be irresponsible.”

Well, that was actually Amiki speaking that time. “That sounds like the most mature idea she’s ever come up with,” Momomi said. “But it can keep. Like I said, I have places to be.”

“Are you sure? This is about family, after all. Your family.”

Momomi glanced back at the girl to find her stony-faced. “What are you talking about?”

“That’s for Olesa to say. But don’t expect her to wait already. She has a reason to hate you, if you aren’t interested in her reasons, she won’t tell you. This is a favour to you, not the other way round.”

Momomi considered, cocking her head. A few minutes should be fine. Kaname wouldn’t mind waiting that long. Hell, she’d tell Kaname to come over here. But she also understood that Kaname’s message was important, too.

“It concerns your father,” Amiki prompted.

That decided things. Momomi flipped out her phone and composed a text message. Kaname. Discussion on Olesa’s motives, library. Come asap. We’ll talk later. She sent it, sighing. “Alright, take me there. This had better be good.”

“It will be, of course, believe that,” Amiki said. “I want you to know I’m not happy about this. Not happy at all.”

“Well, I could care less,” Momomi countered. “And Olesa, too, it seems.”

Amiki bit her lip. “Whatever ojou-sama says is fine by me.”

“Ojou-sama?” Momomi queried.

“There’s no point in hiding it now. You probably have some idea anyway. I’m a servant. I’ve been a servant since birth. Here to look after Olesa-sama.” Amiki shrugged. “There are more stupid reasons to be at this school.”

“You’re happy to be a servant? In this day and age? How ludicrous.”

“An egotist like you could never understand,” Amiki said. “To protect Olesa. To help Olesa. To watch Olesa. To be by her side. That’s more than I could ask of anyone.”

Momomi laughed. “That sounds more like a crush than honest service, Amiki.”

“My real name’s Alicia,” Amiki said. “But you can say what you like.”

“And she pays the term fees for you, a servant, to attend this school as an equal? That’s also ridiculous. The financial waste it represents… I suppose the Peres family doesn’t have many money worries.”

Amiki gritted her teeth but said nothing.

They stepped out into the rain, which had finally broken and was splashing down, forming large puddles on the elegant tiled courtyard. “This blasted weather,” Momomi said to herself, pulling an umbrella from her bag and opening it. “Why does it have to be so damn wet all of a sudden?”

Amiki pulled out her own umbrella, saving Momomi from the irritation represented by having to share. “It’s been dark all day, you idiot.”

“Yes, yes.” Momomi looked up at the cloudy sky. I hope Kaname remembered her umbrella for once. She always forgets, and has to share mine. She bit her lip guiltily for the moment, then dismissed the thought. “So, tell me about this servant thing. Why does Olesa in particular feel the need to violate the strict rules against them attending this school?”

“What do you think?” Amiki asked.

“Paranoia?” Momomi hazarded. “Laziness? A sense of entitlement?”

“Nothing like that. You’re very clueless, Momomi.”

“You tell me, then.”

“If you can’t guess, you’re even more stupid than I thought.” Amiki shrugged. “It’s not a very complicated reason. But perhaps someone like you would never understand.”

“This explains why you’re so completely under her thumb,” Momomi said, looking at the trees of the forest. “You’re paid to be so.”

“I’d do the same thing even if I wasn’t paid.”

“So you really do have a crush on her.”

“It’s just a matter of loyalty and platonic admiration,” Amiki said. “Not like your relationship with Kaname. That is definitely unhealthy.”

“You don’t have any right to comment on that,” Momomi said defensively.

“Well, have you found love? Or just lust? Or is it just a crush? You tell me.”

“There’s nothing between us! Friends is the most you could call us.”

“Yeah, right. If you believe that… you really are stupid.”

They walked on in a tense silence. Momomi assessed the situation in her head, checking it from every angle. Kaname will probably be annoyed that I postponed her meeting, but this is an important chance to get to Olesa. I can’t break through to either of them because I don’t understand them. Well, I already know a lot more about Amiki. With Olesa’s confessions, things will be better. She just has to come and back me up, I’m counting on her to protect me from Amiki if I need to say provocative things. Besides, with no love lost to these two, she’ll be glad of the chance. Momomi sighed. Why does this sound like I’m just making excuses in my head? But it’s true, this is something important that she’ll understand. She can talk to me at any time. Besides, her and me together, grilling Olesa and Amiki, that’s something we enjoy. That’s the old times that I favour so much and I don’t want to lose. One more time before I talk to her, or even one more time to reassure her that things haven’t changed. It’s still us together, against these two, against the world. That hasn’t ever been any different. On the other hand…I guess I’m running away, a little. But it’s only a matter of a few minutes to clear my head and think about something else. It’s fine. To do everything, that’s always my way. And where Olesa is a changeable enemy, Kaname will always be there. I can count on Kaname.

Amiki pushed open the doors to the library, walking confidently through the shelves and finding her way to a tight corner, dominated by a single large table. Olesa was sitting there, scrolling down and reading something on her laptop. Momomi leaned forwards to try and catch what she was working on, but she couldn’t see anything more specific than a string of letters and numbers.

“We’re up 3.2 over the past month, Amiki,” Olesa said. “It looks like trend following really can produce results, even in the hands of amatures. But I’m sure I can do better than this.”

“That’s excellent news, Olesa-sama,” Amiki said.

“Please, not so formal.”

“What are you doing?” Momomi demanded, annoyed at being summoned here and then ignored.

“I’m following the stock market,” Olesa explained. “Not with real money, actually. But for the past six months I’ve been attempting to learn business techniques. By maintaining a fictional portfolio I can test various theories without risk and prepare myself for the time when I go it for real. This is what I’ve been doing without attending clubs. How about you?”

Momomi folded her arms. “Cut to the chase, I have things to do.”

“Very well,” Olesa said, closing her laptop and turning around. “I’ll explain. But that hobby of mine is a useful illustration of unfortunate fact. The Peres family has been much reduced.”

“So?”

Olesa sighed. “I have decided that it would be cowardly to continue as I am. By hiding things from someone and holding onto your thoughts and resentments without stating them clearly… that is immature behaviour.”

Momomi just waited it silently.

“As I said,” Olesa said. “My family has been much reduced. This is because of the Phareli, as you may have guessed. More specifically, that’s because of your father.”

“My father?” Momomi asked. “Don’t blame me for anything that idiot does.”

“When your father married your mother… he tore up an arranged marriage in the process. That was to my mother, of course.” Olesa narrowed her eyes. “People make much of such acts of rebellion, but all actions have concequences. This was a significant blow to my mother.”

“Well, so you didn’t get the title and money of my family,” Momomi said. “Hold on, I’ll get up my handkerchief.”

“By itself, this wouldn’t have mattered so much,” Olesa said. “She managed a lesser catch, a lesser man, but one with enough money to keep the family afloat. The problem was that my mother was commiting adultery with your father inside of two years. Were we even concieved by that point?”

Momomi said nothing.

“Don’t worry, by the way. We’re definitely not half-sisters. My father made sure of that.” Olesa laughed bitterly. “He certainly didn’t take her assurances on faith. But the DNA tests were conclusive. Even so, our home was broken. He divorced her with terms that favoured him. It’s a miracle my mother managed to keep custody of her own daughter. But we were not rich. We were disgraced.”

I don’t like it. It’s not like Olesa to say so much, so fast, and so sincerely. What game is she playing? “Well, forgive my tactlessness, but more fool your mother,” Momomi said. “I’m still not exceptionally moved. My father is a bastard who has nothing to do with me, but she ruined her own life. That’s her fault through. You have my sympathy, but it has nothing to do with me.”

“I have always hated you, Kiyashiki-san… no, Phareli-san.” Olesa stuck her hands in her pockets and carried on as if she hadn’t been interrupted. “Ever since I was old enough to understand who you were, you and your sister both. We never met since we were six, because by that point my mother had stopped being invited to the social functions you attended. But at that point, my mother told me who you were, and I hated you.”

“That’s a very pathetic manner of thinking,” Momomi said tensely.

“I want you to picture someone,” Olesa said. “She’s your age, your height, shares many of your characteristics. But she is a more perfect being. She has all the priviliges and wealth and comfort you lack, but she is complacent, diffuse, arrogant, never appreciating what she has or the responsibilities that comes with it. You, attaining everything you have attained by struggle, effort and great pains, taking responsibility at a younger age than should ever be considered, still stand below her. Isn’t that a familiar story, Phareli-san? Someone very close to your heart lives that story every day.”

“That doesn’t make it logical.”

“Take it or leave it,” Olesa said. “Even if the story’s told several times by different people, it’s the same story in the end. To see them as a rival, an enemy, someone to hate and attack, someone to exeed to validate your own existance… what do you make of that?”

Momomi scowled, taking the bait. “It’s stupid and irrational! To struggle pointlessly like that, to hate like that, to obsess like that, it’s pathetic. Your existance should not be validated through the destruction of others. And it’s equally plain you don’t understand her at all. No one is so simple. Perhaps clinging to those stereotypes is comforting, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Thank you,” Olesa murmurred. “I’m glad you’ve qualified your position so eloquently.”

“Are you done?” Momomi demanded.

“Not quite,” Olesa said, standing and facing her. “There’s one more element, which is the worst of all. My rival, my enemy, has always been the child that my mother wanted. Not because you’re more beautiful than me. Not because you’re smarter than me. Not because you’re more graceful than me. But because you were your father’s daughter.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I will rephrase myself. My mother loved your father.”

I should go. All I have to do is walk away, and I’ll break my dependance on her. I don’t need her. A shiver wracked Kaname’s body, forcing her to hug herself against the cold. But she made no move to shelter herself underneath one of the trees. But I just know that really I do. So I’m here in the rain.

Onwards to Part 14

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