---Prologue--- ---The De-Programming of Chibi Chibi, Part II--- Chibi Chibi sat in the living room of the Outer's mansion playing with some blocks. Her babysitters, Chibi Usa and Hotaru, were sitting on the couch behind her cuddling. As Chibi Usa rested her head on Hotaru's shoulder, the Senshi of Death looked down at her new girlfriend. "Chibi Usa." Hotaru said sweetly. "Hmm?" "I... Well, I'm sorry about trying to screw you and Setsuna-mama out of screen time back in chapter ten." "That's alright." Chibi Usa said as she snuggled in closer to the dark-haired girl, "I'm sorry for retaliating by tying knots in your dental floss." "That was you?" Hotaru asked as Chibi Chibi left the blocks on the floor and walked over. "Chibi Chibi biiiyyyyaa..." Spray. "No!" Hotaru said firmly. Chibi Usa let out a groan. "This isn't working." The pink-haired girl complained, "What can we do to bring her back to normal?" "I don't know." Hotaru conceded, "I... Wait a minute, I've got it!" "Huh?" "If a negative influence like the Gang Stars can turn sweet innocent Chibi Chibi into a gangsta bitch, then maybe an overwhelmingly positive influence can reverse it." "Overwhelmingly positive influence?" Chibi Usa asked, "Like what?" "Sesame Street, of course." Hotaru answered, "I mean, sure, it's changed a bit over the years, but it's still the best children's programming available." And with that, she grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. --Click-- A pair of murderous criminals burst their way into the First National Bank. One of the two bank robbers, the one slightly thinner than the other and sporting a small tuft of black hair on top of his head, was screaming instructions at the bank teller as a group of terrified hostages huddled on the floor. One old woman was forced to lay partially in the pool of blood left over when one of the security guards was shot. "Come on, put it all in the bags, and no one has to get hurt!" The thin one yelled. "Hey Bert!" the slightly chubbier robber said, "Rubber ducky saw her hit the silent alarm Bert!" "Bad mistake!" the thin one exclaimed, raising his Uzi at the frightened teller. Without warning though, the bank entrance burst open, and Super Grover swooped in. The hero placed himself bravely between the teller and the gunman. Bullets bounced off his hairy chest as he began to stare down the gunman, a look of grim determination on his face. "Hey Bert! What do we do now Bert?" "I don't know Ernie! I..." Bert was cut off by Super Grover's powerful punch that shattered his spleen. Dropping his gun on the floor, he clutched his side in agony as he coughed up blood. Super Grover then shoved his hand into the villain's chest and ripped out his heart. "Take that, evil doer!" Super Grover said with a sneer. "Bert! Hey Bert! Oh no, what did you do to..." Ernie never got to finish the sentence, as the helmet-clad vigilante took advantage of the confusion to super-kick Ernie in the crotch. The blow was so powerful that it shattered his pelvis with a sickening "Crack!" sound. "AAAAAAA! WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE?" Ernie screamed, clutching what was left of his groin. "Why? I'll tell you why, punk!" Super Grover shouted, "Because I want you to pay! All criminals must suffer such fates at my hands!" Super Grover then flew out of the bank building as the hostages stood up and cheered. The police reluctantly had to acknowledge the help of the cute little sociopathic vigilante in getting the hostages out alive and taking down two of the nations most violent bank robbers. --Click-- Chibi Chibi and her two babysitters stared in wide-eyed shock at the now blank TV screen. Finally, after several seconds, Chibi Usa turned to Hotaru. "Um, hon." she murmured as Chibi Chibi started to cry, "I... I don't think that helped any." ------ ---Omake Twenty-One: From Russia With Kablooey--- The dashing and handsome international super spy Chiba Mamoru, agent negative seven, strolled into the headquarters of the Japanese Secret Service in his tuxedo. As he looked around the outer office, his lips pursed together into a smug smile as he saw the secretary, Tsukino Usagi, sitting outside the chief's office. "Hello Miss Tsukino, I..." "Don't hello me!" the blond responded angrily, "I know all about your little sexual escapades you get into on your adventures." "Now don't be like that." Mamoru said, "You know I always come back to you..." "Miss Tsukino," a voice said over the intercom, "Is that lout Chiba out there?" Mamoru smiled as he held his hands up in defeat, "Duty calls." he said smarmily, ignoring the heartbroken look the secretary was giving him. Inside the private office of Chief Kakyuu, he found her with her private assistant from the ministry of defense, Galaxia, together with two people he was unfamiliar with. One had wavy, shoulder length aqua hair and was wearing a dress and blouse. A certain air of elegance hung around her. The other stranger was a sandy-blond haired chap who looked miffed when he saw agent negative seven making eyes with his companion. Mamoru turned his attention back to the chief and her personal assistant. He sometimes wondered if there was anything going on between the two. For one thing, there was the way the two (who were rumored to once have been bitter enemies) always seemed to be in each other's company. And for another, there was the fact that Chief Kakyuu was currently sitting in Galaxia's lap. "Mamoru," the chief said, "It's about time you showed up. Agent negative seven, I wish to introduce two agents from Russia. First is agent six, Kaioh Michirukoff. And with her is agent nine, Tenoh Harukaski." "Agents six and nine, huh?" Michirukoff murmured under her breath, "Gee, it must have taken the author of this garbage all day to come up with that one." "Michirukoff, please." Harukaski whispered, "Try to vemember your fake Vussian accent." "So," Mamoru said as he ignored the dialogue taking place between the two Russian agents, "Exactly what's the situation this time?" "Vell," Michirukoff explained, "Vussian intelligence has veason to believe someone vill try to blow up the Kremlin." Harukaski nodded, "Zis could cause a major international inzident if the villain iz not stopped in time." "It's up to you," Chief Kakyuu said, "To stop this insane plot. We're sending with you my secretary, Tsukino Usagi-chan. Once in Russia, you will meet up with an agent over there by the name of Hino Reiovich. The three of you must infiltrate the enemy headquarters and disarm any bombs before they can be used to blow the Kremlin up. " ---A Short Time Later--- Agent negative seven and Usagi got off the plane in Russia. A raven haired young woman matching the description of the Russian Spy they were told to look for was waiting at the terminal for them. "Agent negative seven?" the Russian asked emotionlessly. "Yes. The name's Mamoru. Chiba Mamoru." "Good for you." the agent said completely unimpressed, "Ve suspect that the Vussian mafia boss Beryl is behind this plot but... Hello." she said, her face lighting up as she made her way over to Mamoru's companion, "Who is zis charming young voman you have vith you?" Agent negative seven raised an eyebrow at that. He was about to try his charm on the Russian once again when his companion stepped forward. "I'm Tsukino Usagi, Miss Hino. I'm glad to meet you, although the circumstances leave a bit to be desired." Reiovich laughed warmly, "Charming too." she said, "It is indeed good to meet you as well, Miss Usagi, I..." "Hello!" Mamoru said irritably as he waved his arms, "Sexy international super spy here." "I know." Reiovich answered as she bowed and kissed the back of Usagi's hand. The blonde began to blush like a young schoolgirl. Turning away from the beautiful blonde with the baby-blue eyes, she frowned at Mamoru. "We'd best get moving." she said determinedly, "Other agents will be joining up with us as we go." ---Three snow chases, two car chases, five bed hops, and at least twelve dead henchmen later--- "So," the evil mob boss Beryl gloated from the top of her mansion, "It looks like the great secret agent negative seven has met his match." Chiba Mamoru was tied to a table with sticks of dynamite taped around his chest. As he struggled against his ropes, three of Beryl's henchmen strode in. One was a tall brunet, another was a shorter blonde, and the third was a black haired youth. All three had their long hair pulled back into ponytails, and all three were wearing Groucho disguises to hide their appearance. "And now," the mob boss gloated, "Ve have set ze timer on the explosives to go off in five minutes. And ve vill now attach the table to the rocket sled and..." "Not so fast!" one of the henchmen, the black haired one, said as he pulled a gun on Beryl. At that he and his two fellow henchmen pulled their Groucho glasses off. "(gasp) Taiki, Yaten and Seiya!" Beryl shouted. "That's right!" Yaten said triumphantly, "Double agents H2O, fifty-fifty and I.O.U., at your service!" With that, a cloud of smoke suddenly came out of the fireplace and Usagi, dressed as Santa Clause, rushed out of the hearth with a tommy-gun just as Reiovich burst through the door to the private chamber dressed in a trench coat and wide-rimmed hat. "Ha! Check mate!" Mamoru said triumphantly, "The jig is up Beryl, give it up." "Never!" Beryl said as she pulled out a pistol, "There's still the window I can escape out of, I..." she was cut off as two figures crashed through the window in question, swinging from the roof by repelling ropes. One was Michirukoff, who was dressed as a Russian Orthodox nun. The other was Harukaski, wearing a fake beard and sporting a Jewish yarmulke. Both immediately pulled their guns out and aimed them at Beryl. "Agents six and nine!" Usagi said, "You saved the day!" "Ov course." Harukaski answered, adding, "Helping others is a mitzvah." "Great, now somebody untie me." Mamoru said, "We have only two minutes left to deactivate the bomb before we're all blown to kingdom come!" "Right!" Reiovich answered as she and Michirukoff both began to make their way over to the secret agent. Agents H20, fifty-fifty and I.O.U. were leading Beryl into custody when suddenly loud, bass heavy music began to be heard. "Vot is that?" Michirukoff asked as she pulled the hood of her Orthodox habit off. "I'm not sure." Usagi said, "It sounds like... a hip-hop version of Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku (Absolute Destiny Apocalypse)?" Before anyone had time to respond to that, two sword-wielding figures rushed into the room through the door Reiovich broke down. Both were swinging their swords madly at one another. The scruffy one with the wild hair was using his unorthodox fighting style to effectively keep his pink-haired opponent off balance. "Hoy vey!" Harukaski shouted, her fake beard flying off as she rushed to get out of the way of the two duelists. "Anthy is mine!" the pink-haired swordswoman shrieked as she blocked a blow coming from the side, "I didn't ride off into the sunset with her at the end of The Adolescence of Utena to loose her to a dirtbag like you!" "What the..." Beryl stuttered out angrily, "My big scene! My big scene was coming up and you two idiots ruined it for me! This whole omake's ruined because of you two baka, damn it!" she shrieked as she stomped her foot angrily. "Um, guys..." Mamoru said nervously as he watched the timer on the explosives continue to count down. "Stuff it, ya bag!" the samurai shouted at Beryl. He then turned his attention back to Utena, "And what do you mean ‘Anthy is mine'? I didn't see your name on her anywhere." "Guys!" Mamoru practically shrieked as he looked once again at the timer, "Come on, I..." his voice drifted off as he felt a tapping on his shoulder. He turned to see a young woman with purple hair and glasses smiling vacantly down at him. "Hello." she said pleasantly. "Have you seen two... oh there they are." she said as she walked away from the desperate secret agent. "Reiovich," Usagi said, "Is it just me, or has this omake suddenly become just a tad unbelievable?" "Vell," the Russian said, "Even for a series about talking cats, space monsters, and people living on ze moon, yes, zis story iz far fetched." Utena swung her sword down, aiming for the rose on Mugen's shirt. He dropped down on his back though, and spun his les out to trip the swordswoman. The pink-haired young lady went flying into the table agent negative seven was tied to. The table, its legs resting on small metal wheels, was then propelled toward the smashed open window. "Oh shiiiiii..." Mamoru screamed as he and the table went sailing out the window. Then... KA-THOOOOMMM! As the entire building shook from the force of the explosion and Reiovich covered Usagi with her own body to protect her, a large fireball shot into the room and consumed Beryl. "Holy shit." Mugen mumbled in shock, "What the hell..." Slash! "Yes!" Utena shrieked with joy as she caught the samurai off guard. Anthy was over by the exhausted swordswoman's side before Mugen's rose even touched the ground. Usagi felt a gentle hand lifting her to her feet. She turned to the woman who saved her life. "Reiovich, you... I... How can I ever thank you?" The Russian smiled. In answer to the blonde's question, she leaned in and kissed her on the lips. Mugen made a face at that. He turned away, only to see Utena and Anthy likewise kissing one another. "What th... Are you all... you know?" he asked. "I'm not." Seiya answered quickly, "But I'm not so sure about those two." he said motioning to his fellow agents Yaten and Taiki. "Vell." Michirukoff said, "Vy don't ve all go out for something to drink? To zelebrate, I mean." "Wait just one sec." Mugen said, "If you think I'm going anywhere with you crazy broads..." "Don't be meshugina." Harukaski said as she removed her yarmulke, "Bezides, I'll be buying." "Hmm... Yeah, what the hell." Mugan conceded. And so, as the secret agents and the three characters from the last omake made their way out of the room to go to the nearest late-night Russian bar, Utena turned to Anthy. "So," she said curiously, "What was it like?" "Weird." The Rose Bride answered, "Most of the time we were wandering around with an acquaintance of his looking for some girl who kept getting kidnapped." And with that, the two left the room as smoke continued to filter in through the broken window. ---To Be Continued--- End Notes: If the Sesame Street spoof looked familiar, it's probably because I printed it elsewhere under a different name (remember kids; it's not plagiarizing if it's your own work you're copying). And yes, the idea of having Utena and Mugen stumble into the set was influences by the finale to Blazing Saddles. Finally, Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku (Absolute Destiny Apocalypse) is the music played in Revolution Girl Utena just before a duel. Till next time, Sayonara.
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