Foreword The idea for this part was prompted a little by one of the reviews I got, wondering how Tomoyo’s reaction to all this would be. This is a bit free after the concept “Scenes of the rest of their life” (well, okay, youth) or something like that. The story will be done in diary format with several short and some longer entries… we’ll see, I never know this in advance. :) ****************************** M&M DreamWorks Presents The Forbidden Cards Happy Years A Soul Lights Side Story Based on the works of CLAMP Card Captor Sakura(c)CLAMP ****************************** <From the diary of Daidouji Tomoyo, aptly named "Sakura Musings"> April 13, 1994 Dear Diary. It has been awhile that I wrote in here and I'm sorry for leaving you at such a crucial point where my dear Sakura seemed to be just inches away from confessing her love to Syaoran. The reason why I didn't get to write in here lately is that something really incredible happened. Something so incredible that it will also effect this diary. For as long as I kept this, I have dedicated these entries solely to my one true love. The walking miracle that is Sakura-chan, trying to capture my thoughts on the beautiful girl that had captured my heart from the first day we met. But now, I can't write about Sakura alone anymore because the most joyous, unexpected thing happened... But let me begin from the beginning, yes? It was on the day Li-kun was going to return home. I had already suspected of course that Sakura as was typical of her would only realize her feelings at the last moment. Not that I want to say that she is... indecisive. Sakura just has a hard time realizing her own feelings but you really cannot fault her for that. It is just as I told her a short while ago. Peoples hearts are hard to predict - even Eriol-kun said so. And usually it is hardest to understand your own heart. But back to what happened. Since Sakura was expected to come to her realization a little late, I went and called her early. That was when the first odd thing happened. I was actually going to tell her about where she could find Li-kun but instead I only reached her brother and Touya told me that she was already out... Going back to practice, I had pretty much shrugged it off and told myself that it didn't matter. If she managed on her own, all the better, even though I would have liked to help. All I ever wanted to be was a part of Sakura's life. Before Li-kun came along I used to entertain the hope that maybe in the future, when her crush on Yukito passed and we were both older, I might actually seize my chance and tell her. But it became apparent that Sakura and Syaoran were meant for each other and developed feelings that both were reluctant to realize and admit to. But that day, when I thought for sure that it would be Syaoran she would ultimately choose as her special person, I had to realize that with all that I deemed to know about Sakura, a person can neither predict someone's else hearts accordingly. I learned that sometimes if you think you know someone else's heart, you might end up surprised. Back to events. It was near the end of our next practice session that I noticed someone watching me. You know that prickling feeling at the base of your neck? It got stronger and stronger and it filled me with almost giddy anticipation although I couldn't fathom why. I had ignored it for awhile, concentrating on the practice. However, it became too much and I finally glanced towards the entrance and there was Sakura. I was so totally baffled I almost missed the next several notes. I would have bet all my insurance - and that is after all plenty - that she would have been with Li-kun at that moment. It was about the time when his bus left for the airport after all... I don't think Sakura ever managed to confuse like this before. I thought I knew my best friend and secret love so well but her appearance had totally thrown my belief for a loop. But that was not the only surprise I should get. Approaching her in the pause, I immediately realized that something was different about her. Outwardly she seemed to be the same person but inside there was something so completely different that it startled me for a moment. I briefly entertained the notion that it might be Mirror or Illusion but was pretty sure that I would notice that. It was still Sakura, just... different... somehow. Then Sakura told me she saw Syaoran off - as expected - and confessed that she does love him. I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed for a brief moment. When I saw her standing there, I hadn't been able to help the thought, the hope that maybe... But that was crazy, illogical, Sakura and Syaoran were meant for each other and Sakura would be happy with him... Or so I immediately told myself again. That was when Sakura really shocked me. While she loves Syaoran, there is a person that she loves equally but who needs her more. Syaoran isn't necessary to give her life meaning and neither is she for Syaoran's life. That is how she put it. Then she told me she couldn't live without me, though, and asked me if I could live without her. Of course the question was silly, needed no answer and I believe Sakura had not expected one. But when her words finally sank in... I can't describe how I feel because I'm not sure if there are words existing in any written or spoken language that properly can describe my feelings in that moment and the ones that followed. I barely managed to find my voice in order to respond, asking what exactly she meant by that. Of course, the question was rhetorical. That spark of hope at seeing Sakura standing there, watching me sing, had exploded from a tiny star into a full-fledged super nova. The meaning of her words had been all too clear, yet the emotions suddenly welling up from deep inside me were overwhelming and hindered my thought process a lot. Sakura told me she wants me - ME - to be her special person and gave me a teddy bear. God, I was sure my heart would stop beating right there, frozen in this moment of perfect bliss. But it didn't, thankfully, because I would surely have regretted if it did. Hearing these three words from Sakura, spoken honestly and with clear conviction behind them was a gift I would cherish forever. Oh, how I had longed for this moment. It hadn't mattered right then that Sakura might be a little different and it still doesn't matter. Nothing really mattered then and right now. Okaasan says I am "deliriously happy" nowadays. But who can forbid me that? Sakura loves me as much as I love her. Her beautiful, kind heart has chosen me to claim that special place only reserved for one person. How can I not be "deliriously happy" then? It had been only later in the day that I found out exactly what had made Sakura change her mind and what is so different about her. The experience was quite shocking itself. Apparently Sakura had been traveling back in time by capturing a hidden Clow Card. She hasn't told me any details about the future she left yet and I won't pry. It is painfully obvious that whatever dire reason she had for this action, whatever had happened in the future, saddened her. It is in her eyes. When she thinks I'm not watching her - what I do most of the time anyway. There is something...haunted there. It pains me to know that my dearest Sakura had to go through such hardships in her time and would give everything to know how to take that pain away. But I will let her decide when she wants to tell me everything. For now what she told me that day at choir practice turns out to be the truth. She is beginning to be happy, more her old self again. I can tell it will be a long path though and by now everyone close to Sakura has noticed some changes but only a few seem concerned. Sakura told me that she could be happy now that she is with me. And she is happy. Genuinely happy. And I am the one that makes her happy! So, what does that mean for this diary? Well, it is not going to be solely dedicated to my beloved anymore. Now that she has proposed to share her life with me, I will make this diary a dedication to OUR relationship. OUR. I still can hardly believe all this and if you ask me now about my exact thoughts, I think I am still not ready to form any remotely coherent ones. It is becoming late, I will write in here some more at a later point. ****************************** May 6, 1994 Yes, I've said I write earlier but a lot of things happened. Well, not that much but more like what happened has kept us very busy. While I never was opposed to the idea of coming out I am surprised at how fast it is happening. Interestingly neither Sakura's family nor my mother were really surprised at finding out Sakura had chosen me instead of Li-kun. I suspected at much but it still manages to make me happy. The least I wished was to cause Sakura any more trouble. It is apparently hard enough for her to deal with her time travel... aside from complaining about having to go back to school and learn all that boring stuff again! (she's so cute when she pouts!). No, the transition seems not to be an easy one, especially on an emotional level. Sakura is almost clingy ever since confessing to me. Not that I mind, definitely not. But it worries me. It's almost like she expects me to disappear any moment. By now, even without her telling me, I become firmed in my belief that whatever happened in her time must have included my and probably the others' deaths as well. My heart aches at how much pain I sometimes seem in her eyes and since we are sleeping over a lot I have woken more than once finding Sakura shaking with a nightmare. I wish I could take them all away but that's one thing I can't do. All there is left for me is to be there for the one girl I love and help her forget about the trauma that has driven her here and into my waiting arms. Mind you, that sounds like she's a frightened wreck but that isn't the impression I want to give you. Those moments are rare and mostly private. Sakura is most comfortably opening up to me and that display of trust makes me love her even more... if that is even possible. Yet, the change is becoming obvious to anyone close to Sakura. As much as she tries to "act her age", this Sakura IS far more mature and the weight of her heavy past (or future, whatever way you want to look at it) doesn't allow her to completely fall back into her innocent self. Do I love her less because of that? If you know me, you shouldn't even be asking that question. Even if she's older mentally and far from the innocent cheerleader that managed to capture my heart within a second of meeting her, she is still Sakura. There is something unique about her. Actually, there are many things unique about her. Like her big heart that seems to be big enough to include anyone who wants to have a part of it... and even those who don't. Or her fierce determination when she gets an idea in her head. Right now I am experiencing a whole new dimension of that determination all focused on me. It often leaves me overwhelmed thinking alone that Sakura's genki spirit will now always be focused on me and my needs. She's constantly getting me things, asking me what I want to do when all I really need is her. But Sakura is persistent about making me as happy as possible. And I am as happy as possible. Really, I am. It appears I have come a little off topic. I was talking about her families reaction. Quite frankly if there had been any surprise, it would have been on my part if they actually had been surprised. Touya-san is always so observant and looks out for his sister. He never liked Syaoran much for some reason. I always thought it might be that on some level he wanted to keep Sakura close to him. Sometimes I wish I had such a protective brother. However, he seemed rather pleased after admitting to our relationship. Sakura's father, Fujitaka, didn't seem overly surprised either. He just smiled and said he is happy for us and that we will surely take good care of each other. I suppose since he experienced the affection between his wife and my mother, it must have been rather hard even for me to hide my feelings - not that I tried very hard. Both he and Sakura's brother seemed just a little surprised at the suddenness though. Especially since it had been apparent lately that Sakura would choose Li-kun... Neither of them asked about this though or about Sakura's weird mood (she is a lot quieter these days). Anyway, that leaves my mother. Well, Sakura is almost scared of her now, I think. About the way she's going on about how happy she is that we are in love and that we make such an adorable couple. Of course, her older mind must have figured out what happened between her and Nadeshiko by now but I must admit even I find my mother a little intimidating at times when she speaks about her late love (especially in association with Sakura's father)... and Okaasan is practically as fond of Sakura as she is/was of her own mother. Our families aren't the only ones that know though. Sakura's public confession at choir was clear enough. Even if not everyone heard what was said, within the days talk around school had managed to make it pretty much clear to anyone. Rika, Chiharu and Naoko seemed a little surprised but otherwise were more or less alright with it. I think they are more baffled that Sakura's scores have become as high as mine and Rika's... Apart from that everything is fine. We cannot complain, despite all those little things. I am sure, given time, Sakura will get over her experiences and settle into her new life. It still warms my heart to think that she felt obligated enough to choose me for that purpose and not Syaoran. I don't doubt her one minute when she says she really loves me. It's obvious in every action lately, there is no way someone can play that. Besides, Sakura has always been a very honest person, I am sure she wouldn't lie to me - or anyone - about such an important matter. No, Sakura and I are happy and I intend to keep it that way, forever if Sakura wants me to. ****************************** May 20, 1994 We had our first real date today and it was a glorious event! We hadn't had found time to actually do something like this until now. Okay, if you read this you might say that we are just eleven... Normal kids don't have 'dates' at this age. True, I suppose. The thing is I am quite aware of some of the other kids at school saying how mature I often act and I won't argue with them there if they'd ever directly ask me. That has nothing to do with arrogance. It is more a good-natured confidence in my abilities. I have always had an excellent learning ability. Okaasan says that sometimes she thinks I have some sort of eidetic memory. I wouldn't go so far since then I doubt I would have to study at all for some subjects. No, I have always liked learning new things and ever since meeting Sakura I wanted to learn even more to help this magnificent creature through life. I realized quickly back then that for all her enigmatic abilities she was often a tad bit... naïve (I really don't like that word) and would need guidance in some areas and in others would need to be sheltered. Like a beautiful but fragile flower that will die quickly if not constantly kept in the right environment. To shorten all that. I guess I have always been a little precocious. As for Sakura. Well, she isn't the innocent girl anymore anyone knew. The other children have more or less gotten used to it but they seem a little... "weird out" to quote Sakura herself. That was to be expected too, though. No, given that in her mind Sakura was already seven years older than me, I believe you can grant her the right to go out on dates, right? I think she's having a harder time with some things about being little again than she lets on. I mean, I can hardly begin to comprehend what it has to feel like, suddenly being younger again, with a full recollection of being almost an adult. Must be really weird. I am helping her as much as I can and am amazed again and again every day at Sakura's ability to let her self be loved but also at giving back this love. I have never felt so... important before in my life. Why it is true that I am probably one of the smartest girls in my age class - Sakura not withstanding (but she has seven years in advance of me, technically) -, I can hardly say that I had much friends or other such social contact outside of occasional choir practice before coming to Tomoeda and meeting Sakura. Meeting Sakura has been a blessing and that is why I will be eternally grateful and why I would never dream of rejecting her just because she's... different now. My love is hers forever and always. After all Rika-san is seeing someone older too (I have a suspicion Sakura knows from the looks she gives her sometimes but she won't tell), so why should it be different for me? Sakura is still Sakura. Seven years of life experience and maturity have not really destroyed what I love about her. Certainly not. There is a lot of sadness and pain but it is dulling, I can tell, and that is bound to have some effects on her personality. Like she's quieter, calmer, more serious. However, I have witnessed enough moments already that show that Sakura is still able to let go and simply enjoy the moment. No, I won't... I can't love her any less. This is all a part of Sakura now. Besides, the new level of maturity doesn't only have negative effects. At times I actually find myself liking the older Sakura a little more since we are now able to communicate on a higher level. Not that she's suddenly become a genius but she certainly does know a lot more about life in general as the Sakura before the fateful day at choir practice. I will forever cherish her innocent self, yet I know it is not completely lost. In time I am sure she will be a lot like the old Sakura again. I'll take her any way she wants to be, that is for sure. But I've been getting away from the point. I actually wanted to talk about the date! You see how much she is affecting me already, normally I would not digress from the point that much. Not that I am complaining, mind you. Anyway, it was very beautiful. We had found ourselves a nice, sheltered spot at our all time favorite King Penguin park. It had been a warm, sunny day, perfect for a picnic for two (Sakura had to literally threaten Kero not sneak in and disturb us). I think I must have giggled like a little child with joy when Sakura proceeded to use Flower and create a bed of Sakura blossoms for us. It was so beautiful, so absolutely perfect! We sat there for hours, talking or simply enjoying each others company. Sakura seemed to have made it her special duty to make this the perfect day for me. I am a little disappointed for not getting much to do in return but seeing how happy Sakura was just relaxing, being with me, it makes my heart flutter even now. For the first time since her time travel I think I finally saw her completely at peace. This is a very precious memory to me. And then, as evening drew closer, Sakura somehow managed to find the perfect ending. I still can't believe she did that! It was all so amazing. I hadn't suspected anything when Sakura told me I had to hold tight onto her so that she could show me a special gift. Needing no reason to not comply with such a thrilling request, I was caught a little off guard than Sakura called for Fly. I had never thought she could carry me! (at least not that long) It was a little bit of a strain for her, I could tell, but she managed. And if the sheer excitement of being carried through the late evening sky hadn't been enough, just guess where she set us down! At the top of Tokyo Tower! We sat there for almost an hour, watching the sunset. It was a moment straight out of a picture... or maybe more like a famous painting. Oh yes, it was a little cold up there but I hardly minded. Not to mention that Sakura seemed to have the presence of mind to keep up a little fire magic all the time (she really has gotten A LOT better). Once again I am not sure I can describe what exactly went through me when, close to the end, Sakura whispered to me an "Aishiteru" in a voice thick with emotion and followed that up with a short but sensual kiss. There is too much that is still waging inside of me like a hurricane and it is all too jumbled to put into words, nor would words do any of it justice. However, I can tell you for sure that if Sakura hadn't held me tightly the whole time, I am sure I would have fallen off the support beam we had settled on. I am still so... thrilled! I have been trying to get to sleep for almost an hour now to no avail, so I decided to sit down and write all this down now rather than tomorrow. However, I am still much too excited. I wonder if I get any sleep tonight at all! Sakura is really an unique experience and it gets even more special than you are the single-most focus of her attention! Dear Diary, I really AM the happiest girl in the world! ****************************** April 5, 1997 It's been a long time since I wrote in here. Almost three years. Oops. I guess life has simply been too good for me to write down anything. I have my tapes after all and all those wonderful memories of three wonderful years with Sakura so far which are far more worth than any recorded pictures could ever be. I can hardly believe it's been that long. We are both in our second year of Junior High now. I could tell you so many things now but I think I'd be sitting here all night. Well, it's Friday but still... Oh, who am I kidding? There is a reason after all I actually remembered having that diary, I thought writing in here again would actually help me calm my mind and get things into the right perspective. You see, Sakura and I have reached a phase of our relationship that probably has to come for any couple one time or another. We had our first big fight just five days ago. God, I feel so horrible. It was so dumb and unnecessary and... I just... don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe I should start from the beginning. I'm not sure where the tension really began to build up but I believe it might have been since we entered Junior High. There were just slight nuisances, beginnings of something that seemed to bother Sakura greatly. Tomoeda Junior High is a little different than the Elementary School... or it is VERY different may be a better way to describe it. The teachers are very strict as is the headmaster, the school prides itself with its good image and tradition. That posed to be a problem for us. Back in Elementary School everyone more or less took us for granted. We were THE couple, really. Everyone found it cute and romantic that we were together... well, mostly everyone. Now, now we have to be extremely careful around whom we can trust to show feelings for the other that are more than friendship. Within the first weeks at Tomoeda Junior High we learned the hard way that Japanese society might tolerate a cute crush between two young girls but if they turn out to be two maturing young teenagers who openly show their love for each other, then the alarm bells are ringing in some people's heads. It is a good thing our families stand behind us and support our relationship despite some of the harsh treatment we had to endure at the beginning. I swear Okaasan was ready to sue the school, Touya-oniisan right behind her. Things settled down eventually and the initial uproar has blown over. Most people know about us but choose to ignore it. There are some rare people who actually try to support us - if not officially than at least in small actions (for example: giving leeway in the way of discipline or maybe giving a higher grade when one of us was in-between). So, not all people there are traditional man in business suits who'd rather improve their self-image than care for their students, but a lot of them are. And not only once had we played with the tempting thought of transfer. There were enough - more modern and open-minded - schools in the area and both of us were smart enough; money wasn't an issue either. I think it's a bit of defiance probably. Not too mention all of our friends are there, even Rika who really could have gotten into a better school. But I can understand her well enough after finally figuring out that she is seeing Terada-sensei (who had - not so surprisingly - also transferred to Junior High, leaving me wondering if Rika followed him or he followed her!). That was a bit of a shock at first but at the moment I guess we are sitting in the same boat, sort of, and neither of us is keen on budging. Society can be cruel sometimes, especially the traditional-bound Japanese one. While Western influences had lessened that, there still were a lot of old families with a lot of influence. But enough about that. It has little do with the current dilemma since most of the drama had been in the beginning. I just mentioned it because some of it might have affected Sakura more than I initially thought. Why I still can't fathom but... Well, I hoped it would make more sense writing it down, however, it seems I am back to where I started from. The confrontation had been coming a long way, I guess, and yet I felt so terrible about it. I had noticed that Sakura is spending more and more time by herself, only with Kerberos (and I think Yue too but I can't be sure). I tried to talk to her about it but she's always saying the same thing. "I'm fine, Tomo-chan, don't worry about me." Somehow this feels a little like déjà vu. I used to say things like that often when we were just innocent children. It irked me a little but nevertheless I respected Sakura's privacy. She is after all a lot older than me (in her mind at least) and sometimes she just gets frustrated with being young again. You would think it'd be a blessing for anyone, yet living it is probably a lot different, I guess. She won't tell me much about it... or everything concerning the time travel that brought her ultimately into my arms. Which brings us back to the root of the problem. At first I could ignore all of this, believing it must be too painful to remember or to talk about and Sakura doesn't want to worry me. Then, about half a year ago, a little after my fourteenth birthday, she started to spend all those hours alone in her room at her house (where she barely ever is anymore, at least not alone). I am pretty sure it has something to do with the cards and in this regard probably with Time. I remember that Kero lectured Sakura again and again about consequences for capturing and using Time but my girlfriend never seemed to be overly concerned. And, as I said already, she won't tell me any details whenever I ask. Everything came to a climax at the beginning of the week. It was April 1, start of the new grade and Sakura's birthday. I had spent practically the whole weekend preparing a special treatment just for my special girlfriend. I had hoped that would help relax her a little and maybe she'd open up to me. Not that I would have pressed. I had everything set, Okaasan was on a business trip and I had sent most of the serving stuff home. I told Sakura to come over after her club practice (she's still doing cheerleading but most of it half-heartedly, she actually has joined the Choir club so that we could spent even more time together). And so I sat there, alone in the big house and waited for Sakura. Sakura didn't come. At first I became worried that something might have happened so I called her on our private phones, only to discover that Sakura had turned off hers, something I discovered she was almost always doing when working with the cards. I considered going over and looking for myself but something in me was rebelling and refused to just chase after my errand girlfriend. A feeling rather new and unusual for me. I usually tended to defend Sakura's actions even if I should by all standards be angry with some. For me Sakura's happiness had always been valued higher than anyone else's - including my own. Ironically enough, thinking about it now, the anger might be a result of Sakura's own doing. The brunette was so adamant about our relationship that she had practically made me speak my mind more often, whenever something is bothering me or I just need to talk to her, she made it very clear, that she will always be there for me, insisting for me to confide in her always. I was still worried but I knew that if something happened to Sakura I would know it. I had known in my heart if she was in danger. Besides, she'd never turn off that phone other than for her magical studies that she was so secretive about. So I waited, and Sakura didn't come. Next morning I confronted her before school. Turns out she "forgot"! She forgot about her own private birthday party with her girlfriend?! I might have bought that from the innocent ten-year old before the whole time travel incident but not from her, not now. And then she had the audacity to brush me off with a feeble apology that she "is not feeling well". To quote Sakura: Hoe? Sakura doesn't just simply feel "not well". My girlfriend is the healthiest girl I know, really. She's so full of energy that she's almost bursting most of the time. While it has been much more reserved since her change it is still there. It's something so typical Sakura that you can't miss it after having seen it once. And what shocked me more and is still puzzling me is that look she gave me. Sakura almost seemed scared, not off me, but maybe something having to do with me. And that scared me in return. Having Sakura look so... lost... and as if the devil was chasing her (I really can't describe it any better) was disconcerting to say the least. All throughout the day and the next morning almost no word had been spoken between us. I think that was the longest ever since we've been together and not separated by vacation or other things. And I swear the whole school seemed to have picked up on it. Even some of the teachers who usually loved to focus their attention on us made a point not to. Tuesday afternoon I finally had enough. I was confused about all of this but I was also feeling uncharacteristically angry. I wanted to know what was going on. I didn't see what I could have done wrong and Sakura would neither speak up on her own or come over as she usually did. And that devastating silence was straining my nerves. So then, finally, I went over to the Kinomoto house and practically marched into her room (the look on Touya's face would have been priceless if I hadn't been in such a foul mood). I had secretly hoped to find Sakura sitting on her desk, working with her cards or something like that. That way I would have at least had somewhere to start but that didn't stop or slow me down any. I think, analyzing it now, most of my feelings weren't so much anger as they were frustration, frustration fueled by worry and the uncertainty of what was going on with my girlfriend. She is the most important thing in my life and I think I deserve to know what is going on in her life. She told me pretty much the same after all. Doesn't she trust me with this? I was... still am a little hurt about that. Maybe it's unfair to feel like that but I really can't help it at the moment. When I told her all that, told her that I wanted to know what was going on, why she was shutting me out from her magical studies and why she never told me about the future. I wanted to know, even if it might not be pleasant. I am sure she was trying to protect me in some way and I am grateful for that, but I am also still her girlfriend and couldn't just stand by letting Sakura worry herself all on her own. I am still mulling over her response. Sakura actually apologized for being so absent lately and that she was doing very important things that had to be taken care off. And that there were some things she couldn't tell me yet... I swear I could hear the "I tell you if you are older" behind the words (again déjà vu) and that really leaves me puzzled. Sakura rarely makes comments likes that or treats anyone as if she is really those seven years older. And it's not just an act but rather genuine from what I can tell. Before I could come up with any sort of response she had gently but persistently made me leave, saying she had some things to do, alone, and that right now she couldn't be distracted. And THAT really hurt. It felt like Sakura was purposefully trying to put distance between us. As if she was afraid that something might happen if we were too close right now. I have the very distinct feeling that I am missing something obvious here but I just can't put my finger on it. This had been about three days ago and apart from sporadic talk in school, there had been a deep wedge between us and I simply felt terrible about it. Logically seen there was no reason for me to feel at fault but this state was becoming unbearable. Being so close to my one and true love and yet so far away... I feel like I am going to explode any moment now! No, I didn't really feel at fault. However, I felt extremely worried and a little ashamed at my reaction. After all everyone had their secrets, so why should Sakura be an exception. How could I know that with my intense reaction I might have even made it worse than it actually was? Also she had sacrificed so much by traveling back in time, she gave up Syaoran to be with me. I should by all means be thankful. Yet, the fact remained that I was worried. For Sakura and for us. I feel very lucky to have such a fierce protector, nevertheless this had reached a point where I felt utterly excluded from things. Doesn't she understand that seeing her worried and in pain, pains me equally? How can she expect by shutting me out not to make me worry? I have to know what is going on and I will... Yes, my decision is made. Tomorrow I will go over and find out what all this is about. I might not like it but that should be for me to decide. I wanted my girlfriend back, all the pros and cons about her, nothing less. I will apologize for being so angry but I will also make sure that she knows that I am worried about her and that all I want to do is help her. We have always been together through so many things. The school problems at the beginning of last year hadn't managed to drive a wedge between us, so I won't let this thing (whatever it is) either. Sakura has to realize that and I will make her realize it! Reading back over that last paragraph, I think I sound rather scary... Hah, I feel a lot better now. Tomorrow I will make sure to fix whatever is burdening our relationship or at least to share that burden with Sakura. Thanks, Diary, sometimes it's nice to have somewhere to write all this down and analyze your thoughts. That really helped me today. ****************************** April 7, 1997 Some time ago, someone - I am not sure who - said to me that too much wisdom, too much knowledge poisons the mind. It sounded like the words of a wise man then and even more so now. I wonder if I would have been better off listening to them... Okay, that sounds very gloomy. There is enough motivation for that though. Thinking my dearest Sakura had to go through all... this... terrible... 'things'. I had wanted to know. Now I knew and I feel a certain numbness and a deep sadness coming from that knowledge. But I am not making much sense to you, do I? So I better start from the beginning. My decision made I had wanted to go over early to Sakura and make her tell me about all that bothered her lately. That is where I got my first surprise, finding the demure and rather meek-looking brunette at my doorstep, appearing for all it was worth like a chastened child. I immediately felt sick in my heart, knowing that I was probably one of the main reasons for her state. After writing my thoughts down, I had lain awake for some time, regret beginning to plague me. Regret for some of the harsh words traded and the accusation I had so blindly uttered. I knew that something was troubling Sakura and that she just wanted to shield me from it. Certainly I hadn't done her a favor with my explosion of temper, as rare as it was. Therefore I was quick to assure her that I wasn't at all angry with her anymore when she practically begged for forgiveness. I felt so terrible that moment, seeing her so lost and obviously torn inside. How could I have ever even thought that she doesn't trust me? The appearance she gave yesterday morning spoke more than the revelation of any secret how devoted she is to me, how much she depends on my presence and love. After we had calmed down a little, Sakura asked me if I still wanted to know. She revealed that it might not make a difference anymore soon and she probably couldn't shield me from what was to come. As gentle as possible I made her see that I wanted to know EVERYTHING that was going on in her life. We were a couple, and couples share such things, they share everything. We were so close already and despite feeling like dirt at the moment, I hated to not being able to care for my Sakura properly, not knowing what it was that bothered her. Sakura just smiled at me a little sadly but with more fondness and love I had seen her do in a long while. And then she told me. Kami, yes, she told me... everything! I sat there just listening, numb with shock over some of the things that were revealed to me that very moment. I am not sure I should write all this down, I am not sure I even can. However, I feel that if someone ever reads this, they deserve to know about what that innocent, gentle creature had to go through, what kind of future she left behind by risking so much to come here and set things right. Set things right mostly for me. I don't think I really deserve that, I feel insignificant compared to Sakura's big heart. She had made clear to me that what she did wasn't done primarily in order to save the world from the terrible future she had witnessed but in the first place it was because of me. Her wish while confronting Time wasn't about setting things right for the world, that had only been in the back of her mind. Her sole motivation was for me and the love she felt she owed me. It's all so amazing and hard to believe, how can I even hope to compare to that with my meager devotion? Still, I wanted to tell you of what happened in that future Sakura left and might as well do so. Everything started out as normally as you may expect. Sakura and Syaoran were happy. All three of us had stuck together all the way up to and through High School. It was after graduation that IT happened. No one on Earth at that time truly knew what exactly caused it, where the malevolent creature came from. However, when She began to emerge and reign terror on the cities of the planet it was like the very definition of hell, many brave warriors and magicians fell to Her infinite seeming power. In the matter of a few month the world became a place darker than night, filled with death and despair. In Greek mythology there is a tale about a box that the first woman on Earth opened because she was curious. This box harbored all of the humanity's darker emotion. Fear, jealousy, hate, greed, bigotry (you can continue that list endlessly). The woman was named Pandora and the box had become known as Pandora's Box. I am not sure whether it is a coincidence, a connection or just the perverted humor of fate but the creature that had wrecked havoc in Sakura's future had been aptly named Pandora as well. The little Sakura described about her still sent shivers down my spine, thinking about the emotions alone I saw in her normally vivid and cheerful eyes and heard in her soft, whispered tones. Fear. There was fear. Not anger or loathing or rage at the unbelievable things that evil creature had done to her and Earth. Those emotions were there too, but they were insignificant compared to the fear and the terror emitting from Sakura speaking of her experience. Eriol said that Sakura was the strongest mage on Earth now and to just think about something or someone evoking such strong reactions from my beloved is... unsettling doesn't even begin to describe it. Pandora had turned Earth into a world of terror and fear and there was no one able to stop her path of destruction. Sakura described her as something very old, totally incapable of having positive emotion. Her whole being was a reflection, the epitome of any dark emotion you could come up with. Her whole purpose was to turn everything into oblivion in the most painful, torturous way possible. Her powers were so massive that compared to her Sakura's own seemed like comparing an ant with an elephant. And the worst part is, Sakura steadfastly believes that the same thing might happen again very soon if she doesn't do something about it in advance. That is what she has been doing the last months, using the cards to predict the future and possible chances to prevent the fate that had befallen her own time from happening here. I cried for Sakura's grief at her description at how Pandora had come for her as well and how she had to watch first Syaoran's death and then my own. She visibly relieved that moment and it was a torturing experience. I realized then that it must have been that moment that Sakura finally realized my feelings and that still makes me choke back an angry sob. That is not how I would have wanted Sakura to find out. I know she was caring so much for all those close to her and that she could never live with my death. That is why I had sworn to myself that even if Sakura ended up with Syaoran and we drifted apart, I wouldn't do anything rash and stupid. I know I would just make Sakura sad and hate herself and that is a thought I cannot stand. I had to hold and reassure her for almost half an hour before she managed to calm down. I smoothed the embarrassment Sakura felt at having broken down like that immediately, making sure that she knows I would and will never do anything like this on purpose. Not that I have a reason now but it was very important at that moment to soothe those fears. I wasn't quite sure what to do or say to soothe her fears about Pandora though. Sakura hadn't even done more when describing superficially what happened and I can tell where is a lot still left untold (which right now really isn't much of a bad thing). Just from watching how terrified the usually brave and determined girl was of that evil creature put me at a loss for words. What could little, unimportant me do after all? All I managed was that weak reminder of her magic phrase again. Everything would surely be alright. Yeah sure, I am quite sure I had said the same thing in her future and I know now that it hadn't helped a tiny bit. Thinking along these lines I was rather surprised to find Sakura looking at me with a serious expression, a flicker of that breathtaking determination in her eyes. Then she said the absolutely sweetest thing. That this phrase held little meaning without me there. I breathed life into the phrase, gave it a purpose, a direction. That as long as I was there that everything WILL always be alright. And that because of me and us being together, my love fueling her, pushing me onward, she might be able to change the future and make it better for us. That is why she had pushed herself so hardly lately, to prevent all this from happening. For me. ME. Wow. My expression must have been priceless that moment. But Sakura didn't express her obviously humor, just a fond, loving smile, followed by a kiss so sensual and utterly devouring I felt like I was being sucked right into her. My body is still shaking from the feelings coursing through me. I could feel all the pent up frustrations of the last months but also all the love she felt for me. I realized then that until that moment that as much as I thought I knew how lucky I was, how much Sakura loved me and was willing to give for me, I never had completely understood. I am not sure if we can weather that storm. I really am not as much as I wish to fuel myself but... I will have faith in Sakura and if she wishes me to be by her side, supporting her as much as I can, then I will. I will believe in my angel, my savior. If anyone can do it, she can. THE END (for now) Author’s Notes Okay, this might seem a little cut off and doesn’t explain everything, probably only serves to open up more questions. But that was wholly intended that way. I think I revealed already more than I wanted at that point anyway. This is after all part of a bigger project, a background story so to say but you can read it as a stand alone as well (I hope). There will be one more part (split into two) that will tie things up for the background story and Sakura and Tomoyo’s involvement. Seeing that Maia seems to have a good inspiration streak right now, you may see it sooner than you think. Don’t worry Sailormoon fans as I said this will tie into a bigger project and you will soon get to see something of it (always assuming Maia complies). Some things to clear up. First off, I changed a tiny amount of things in “The Different Path”. No real revision but more little details that are necessary. I am a perfectionist than writing, especially concerning facts like a working timeline that makes sense. I realized that the birth year given for Tomoyo on her tombstone has actually to be one year earlier or she’ll end up younger than Sakura. Why this might be possible, it doesn’t work out for the timeline of the greater project. That’s really all you need to know about the changes that really matter. I hope I haven’t made too much tense errors in this one. Writing diary entries is always a little difficult because you really have to watch what is reflection and what has to be present or future tense. I am not native (not that after all the time writing English I want to stick to that excuse) and don’t get those stories betaed at the moment, so hopefully you can overlook some grammatical mistakes. Anyway, there is really not much to say about the story itself. It was fun writing it this way, in diary format. That’s the first time I did a story completely that way and I enjoyed it. I think I had less trouble writing Tomoyo than I had writing Sakura, hopefully you like the result. The next story will probably be a mixture of both. So, see you at the next installment, hopefully some time soon. Comments are always appreciated and I wanted to seize the opportunity and thank all the kind reviewers for “The Different Path”. Ja ne, yours Matthias
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