To Forgive, Divine
I’m really sorry, I know you’re not my girlfriend quite yet, but it just came out. I guess I’m really getting ahead of myself here. It’s just that when I kissed you, everything felt right. It was perfect. I knew in my heart more than ever that we were destined to be together. And that soft emotion I saw in your eyes as you leaned in to me, I’m pretty sure that was love, even if you don’t realize it. So, although I know you’re not my girlfriend now, I can’t help but think of you as my future girlfriend.
Forgive me, I’m almost too giddy to write now. You’d think I’d be better the morning afterwards, but I had to suppress a lot of it last night, so I guess it’s all leaking out now. As you surely know by now, I came back to check on you after going to the doctor. I dropped off that letter I wrote for you in the morning, along with the other one, which I wrote while watching over you. You’re such a beautiful sleeper, I could have stayed there all night just watching. But unfortunately, I needed to get some sleep myself, and I didn’t know if you’d welcome me sleeping over, so I had to leave eventually.
But even that wasn’t the end of the fun for me. When I got back home, I went to sleep and had one of the best dreams I’ve ever had. My dream Natsuki was there again, and she was much, much nicer to me this time. I think I spent the entire night just kissing her. She wouldn’t let me go any further than that, saying that it wouldn’t be appropriate until you’d let me in reality, but I didn’t mind. Just dreaming about kissing you was more than enough.
I love you, Natsuki, so very much. Thank you.
Your future girlfriend,
Shizuru
As she waited, Shizuru let her mind wander to the events of the previous night. She wasn’t quite as giddy about it as she was in the morning, but she still couldn’t help letting her smile widen a little further than normal. Time, however, had brought with it a few doubts to her mind. Natsuki had been clear before the kiss that she was just doing it to try it out, and she’d broken out of it rather suddenly. Even though she had a valid excuse for doing so, it still meant that somehow Natsuki’s thoughts had drifted to her sickness while they were kissing.
No, I’m not going there. Shizuru made an effort to push her doubts away. Sure, nothing was certain yet, but it was still more certain than it had ever been before. She’d spent so many months lamenting that she could never have Natsuki, she wasn’t going to doubt now that there was more hope than ever. Maybe she’d be hurt later, but she was going to cling onto the hope while it lasted. She’d never felt this good before, and she wasn’t going to waste it.
Pulling herself back from her thoughts as she heard the church bell ring, Shizuru glanced at her watch again: 1:01 p.m. this time. Perfect. She’d seen no one come by lately, likely because many people had left campus for the summer. Nao would probably be expecting a dull day of waiting in the confessional, so she might even be pleased for the distraction. If nothing else, it meant there was less of a chance of anyone being kept waiting if their conversation went long.
Shizuru turned around and headed into the church. Neither Miyu or Alyssa was around today, though Father Carter – who had replaced the disgraced Father Greer – would likely be around somewhere. Shizuru didn’t notice him at the pulpit, so he was likely either in his rectory or cleaning up the basement. The poor man had quite the job to do after the Carnival, reassuring everyone that things were alright and no, the apocalypse wasn’t coming. Now that things had finally settled down, he still had work to do in cleaning up the areas of the church which weren’t open to the public – the school had covered external reparations, but they had so much other construction work they needed to do that there just weren’t the resources to clean up the rest of the church.
As Shizuru walked past the pews, she noticed that the school had actually done a quite good job of fixing up the church, despite their limited resources. When her eyes reached the new bell, she paused in her step, remembering what had happened to the old one. It had fallen in the chaos of her battle with Natsuki, trapping the other girl within it. Shizuru had then destroyed it with the chain of her Naginata, simultaneously freeing Natsuki from it and trapping her in Shizuru’s grasp.
And then, Natsuki had kissed her. The memory was painful in the reminder of what she’d done to her beloved in her rage, but also sweet in what Natsuki had still been willing to do for her. Truly, Natsuki, I owe you too much for forgiving me. I hope one day I’ll be able to make it all up to you so I may deserve your love. But until then, I have other people I also need to make amends with.
With this thought, Shizuru proceeded into the confessional. Not being very enamored of Western religions, it was Shizuru’s first time entering this room, so she took a chance to look around. The room was roughly rectangular, with the walls covered with white paint that had started to peel. To her immediate left was a wooden screen with some sort of furniture below it, and she could see the corner of a chair past the screen. From what she’d heard about confessionals, that was likely to block the priest or nun’s vision of the confessor. Given that she didn’t see Nao elsewhere in the room, that seemed to make sense.
“Just kneel down in front of the screen, or you could come around to this chair if you’re particularly keen on looking at me,” Nao’s voice came behind the screen. It had a distracted note to it that got across the message that she really didn’t want to be there.
Deciding that it might be a bit easier if she didn’t have to go through an explanation of what she was doing there if Nao saw her, Shizuru kneeled down by the screen, making use of the odd piece of furniture installed there to rest her legs. It wasn’t particularly comfortable, but the designers likely didn’t have comfort in mind. Now let’s see, how is this supposed to go…? Ah, right. “Forgive me Sister, for I have sinned.”
Shizuru knew that Nao would immediately recognize her accent, but was counting that Nao wouldn’t make a big deal of it right away. She did take a moment before replying, in which Shizuru wondered if Nao was going to start asking her questions. Instead, she got a reply of, “Cough it up then, Fujino,” in Nao’s same distracted voice, with an added element of frustration.
Shizuru let out a soft sigh of relief. Taking a deep breath, she plunged into the confession she’d prepared, “I’ve done a horrible thing, Sister. It started a few months ago. I was trying to protect my friend from another girl who’d been tricked into fighting her. But I didn’t stop at simply protecting my friend. I went a step further, and I tried to take revenge on this girl. I nearly killed her, but thankfully she survived.
“But it didn’t end there, unfortunately. She was very angered about what I did, and so she used my friend to try to lure me out and take her revenge on me. I came to my friend’s defense again, and I attacked this girl. I didn’t kill her in this fight, but I did end up killing her mother and crushing her spirit.
“I wasn’t in my right mind when these actions took place, and I’ve since come to better control over myself. The girl’s mother was even miraculously returned to life, but none of this excuses what I did. In the euphoria of having her mother brought back, she even said she forgave me for what I did, but I know that it isn’t that easy. I regret what I did to her every day since I regained my senses, and I hope dearly that she may someday forgive me, however unworthy I am of her forgiveness.”
Nao was silent for many minutes, as Shizuru wondered what was going through her mind. She’d tried her best to let her quite real regret seep into her words, but she’d built up a reputation for often being sarcastic which might hurt her now. If Nao thought she was joking here, things could end up much worse than before between them. Perhaps doing this through the confessional wasn’t the best choice; it could too easily be misinterpreted as a joke.
Eventually, Nao broke the silence. “Cut the crap, Fujino. Get over here and take a seat.”
Shizuru breathed a sigh of relief. That was about as good as she could have hoped for. She stood back up, taking a brief moment to straighten out her skirt and stretch her legs. She let her regret show through her face as she walked around to take a seat in front of Nao. Nao was currently wearing her nun’s habit, though she was making no effort to look like she enjoyed it. Shizuru noticed a spot of wetness near Nao’s eye that could have been from a tear, though she decided not to comment on it.
“Forgive me, Sister Nao,” Shizuru said as she took a seat.
“‘Nao-san’ is fine,” Nao said tersely. “I’m not exactly here by choice. And I already said I forgave you. I’m not one to go back on my word, whatever you may have been thinking… at least to another girl.”
“Forgive me, Nao-san, then. I didn’t mean to imply that. It’s just that I wouldn’t hold you to something you said in those circumstances.”
This was met with a growl from Nao. She glared at Shizuru, but there seemed to be some uncertainty in her gaze. “Fine then, I still forgive you. Are you happy?”
Shizuru raised an eyebrow in surprise. This certainly wasn’t what she’d expected from Nao. Judging by her actions during the Carnival, she was someone who held fierce grudges. “Might I ask why you forgive me so easily?” Shizuru said.
“Your heartfelt apology isn’t enough reason?” Nao couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of her voice, so Shizuru simply met her with a passive gaze. With an eye-roll, Nao went on, “Alright, fine. Back during the Carnival, when you defeated me, you went on and on about how I had to be good at noticing things to survive. Beats me what it had to do with the situation, but it was true.
“So here’s one little thing I noticed: Since the Carnival, Tokiha and Sister Yukariko acted all regretful and stuff around me. They’ve both tried to make things up to me in their own ways, Tokiha by dragging me to all her karaoke parties so I’d be part of the group, and Sister Yukariko by ‘setting me on the right path’ and forcing me to start training to be a nun. Kuga was never very regretful about when she attacked, but given all that I put her through after that, I can’t say I blame her.
“You know what neither of them ever did though? They never apologized. They never admitted that their actions were in the wrong. It was like they wanted to hold out some justification for what they did, like that since I was the outsider, I had it all coming.” The wet spot on Nao’s face that Shizuru had noticed earlier had filled with a tear during Nao’s speech. She seemed to notice it now and wiped it away, glaring at Shizuru as if telling her to forget she saw that.
“But you apologized,” Nao continued. “It took you a few months, but you did. For that alone, I forgive you.”
Shizuru let her smile widen at this. I knew you had a softer side to you, Nao-san. Natsuki was right, the two of you are quite similar, I just didn’t step in to help you as I did her. “Thank you, Nao-san,” she said.
Nao gave a stiff nod, trying to maintain a hard look. “Just promise me a couple things,” she said. “First, tell no one of this, especially Kuga. She’d never let me live it down if she heard that I was talking like this.”
“Alright, I can do that,” Shizuru said. Ara, one more thing I have to keep from Natsuki… at least this one isn’t about her. She was careful to make sure she showed no sign of regret about this promise. She didn’t want Nao to doubt her sincerity. “What’s the other promise?”
“Don’t try to do me any favors,” Nao said. “I’m still suffering from the ‘favor’ Yukariko-temee is doing me. I don’t need any more.”
“If you insist,” Shizuru said, sighing inwardly. I guess making reparations for Nao is off. Well, maybe I’ll be able to find a favor she won’t mind. Maybe even if she won’t appreciate it, it could still be worth it. Whether she likes Yukariko-san’s favor or not, it does appear to have softened her a bit. Nao’s expression indicated that she was done, so Shizuru stood back up. “Thank you again, Nao-san,” she said. Nao grunted in acknowledgement and waved her off, so Shizuru took that as her cue to leave.
Well, that went a lot better than I expected. That just leaves Suzushiro-san to straighten things out with. I just wish I had a good idea of how I could approach her and have something other than a superficial conversation…
As if on cue, Shizuru’s cell phone started ringing. As she continued out of the church, she pulled it out of her pocket and checked the caller ID. Her eyes widened in surprise for a moment before she quickly covered it up. Now that’s interesting. What could Suzushiro-san be calling me about? Maybe this’ll be easier than I thought as well, if she approaches me.
After exiting the church, Shizuru paused in her step and answered the phone. “Hel-“
“Fujino-me!” Shizuru jerked the phone away from her ear to protect her hearing from Haruka’s outburst. She’d long since gotten used to Haruka’s normal yelling, but she’d reached a whole new level here. “What did you say to Yukino? I know it was you who inflected her with your perverted ways!”
Shizuru was taken aback by the accusation. She’d expected Haruka to have some difficulty accepting this, but this was much worse than she’d anticipated. Somehow though, the absence of hearing Yukino chime in with “It’s ‘infected,’ Haruka-chan,” on the other end of the phone was the part of the exchange that stuck out most for Shizuru.
“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Haruka demanded, having received no immediate answer from Shizuru.
This is bad. What has Suzushiro-san said to Yukino-san? Shizuru’s heart panged in sympathy for Yukino. She knew how it felt to have her love rejected, to have the object of her desire recoil at her touch. And now she’d been responsible for Yukino feeling that as well. She had to do something. She started walking off towards the girls’ dorm; Yukino might not want to see her, but she had to try.
“Please, Suzushiro-san,” Shizuru said, speaking on instinct as her mind tried to formulate a plan. “I hope you didn’t say such mean things to Yukino.”
“‘Yukino’?” If anything, her statement had managed to get Haruka even more enraged. “You’re talking about her in yobisute now? Just how close have the two of you gotten? I bet you’re taking advantage of her just like you did Kuga-san!”
Damn it, why did I slip like that? Am I sympathizing with her that much? Shizuru fought to control her frustration and stop it from spilling onto her face as she started to walk through the more populated areas of the school grounds. Even so, that was a low blow, Suzushiro-san. “Yukino-san is a friend,” Shizuru said, barely keeping her anger out of her voice. “And I’m getting the feeling that you’ve just hurt her very badly.”
“I hurt her? You’re the one who put those perverted ideas in her head!”
“Those ideas were in her head long before I talked to her,” Shizuru said. She’d just reached the girls dormitory, so she decided she’d better end this soon, before seeing Yukino. “But I was the one who recommended she tell you about them. I was counting on you to be a bit more sensitive towards her feelings, but it turns out I was wrong. I guess I should go and try to make things up to Yukino-san.”
“What? You stay away from her you-” Shizuru switched off her phone in the middle of Haruka’s sentence and put it away. It went against all her carefully honed instincts to be so rude like that, but it was the best way to guarantee that Haruka would come rushing down to protect Yukino from her. She didn’t know how far away Haruka was, however, so it was probably still best to check on Yukino until she got there.
When Shizuru reached Yukino’s room, she paused for a moment to listen at the door. She didn’t hear any signs of life inside, which might have meant that Yukino was doing relatively fine, or she could have just been in her bedroom and out of earshot. Shizuru knocked out three precise beats on the door and waited for a reply.
After a few seconds, she heard footsteps coming up behind the door. They stopped for a bit, but the door didn’t open. As she heard them start to walk away, Shizuru took a quick glance down the hallway to make sure no one was around before calling through the door, “Yukino-san, please! I know what happened.”
The footsteps stopped as she spoke, and then resumed a moment after she finished. Shizuru let out a sigh of defeat. If Yukino didn’t want to see her, it was probably better to leave her alone. But as she was about to walk away, she heard the footsteps start to get louder again. They reached the door, and, after a moment of silence, it was unlocked and opened.
It took only a quick glance for Shizuru to ascertain that Yukino had been crying, though she would have assumed it even without the physical evidence her reddened eyes presented. “Forgive me, Yukino,” she said upon seeing her, and she followed this immediately by grasping her in a hug. She normally reserved such embraces for Natsuki, but this case merited an exception. She knew exactly how Yukino would be feeling right now, and though a hug wouldn’t take it all away, it was the best she could do.
Thankfully, Yukino seemed to accept the hug, even wrapping her own arms around Shizuru after a moment to pull the older girl in tighter. Shizuru had been afraid that Yukino would blame her for this – not without reason, as she had been wrong in predicting Haruka’s reaction – but fortunately that wasn’t the case. It would have been a lot harder to help her through this if Yukino wouldn’t let her in.
After a minute, Yukino pushed herself out of the hug. “We should get inside,” she said meekly, her eyes only briefly meeting Shizuru’s. Shizuru gave her a nod, though she wasn’t sure if Yukino noticed it, and followed her into the room. Yukino took a seat in the living space of the dorm, and Shizuru pulled around another chair to sit facing her.
“What did Suzushiro-san say to you?” Shizuru said. She tried to present her most sympathetic expression for Yukino, though the other girl wasn’t making much effort to look at her. Yukino had her gaze rooted firmly downward, and she seemed to be biting her lip, possibly in an effort to hold back tears.
“Nothing,” Yukino said after some time. “She said nothing. I poured my heart out to her, making it clear that I didn’t love her just as a friend, but she said nothing to me.” Yukino took a deep breath and wiped away some tears that had formed in her eyes. “She just sat there and stared at me. I watched as her expression changed painfully slowly from confusion into fear. When she was about as horrified as she could get, she bolted from the room, and I… I…” Yukino trailed off into sobs, but Shizuru could well imagine what her reaction was.
“Ara ara, I’m so sorry, Yukino-san,” she said, placing a supportive hand on Yukino’s knee and looking into her eyes in case she decided to return the eye contact. “That doesn’t sound like Suzushiro-san at all. I never would have expected her to react that way.”
“Neither did I,” Yukino said, finally looking up to face Shizuru. Her eyes showed deep pain, but there was a strength there which hadn’t yet crumbled, giving Shizuru hope that the girl would be able to make it through this. “I’ve never known Haruka-chan to be afraid of anything. For my feelings to scare her so much she couldn’t even talk to me…” Yukino bit her lip as she trailed off, her eyes pleading with Shizuru to finish the thought and give her some reason.
Shizuru shook her head. She only had one guess, but she wasn’t sure if she should speak it. If she were wrong again, it would just hurt Yukino more. It was probably just hopeful thinking on her part, too, thanks to the luck she’d been having with Natsuki. Still, it was the only thing she could think of. “Maybe,” she said, “Suzushiro-san was afraid of her own feelings. She’s been taught to think this kind of love is immoral and disgusting, so if she were to start feeling it herself, it could scare her quite a bit.”
Yukino gasped, and Shizuru watched hope fill her eyes, almost feeling guilty about it in fear that she might be wrong. “You mean, Haruka-chan…?”
“It’s the best guess I have, but I don’t know for sure,” Shizuru said. She gave Yukino an encouraging smile. “Even if it’s true, it still means things are going to be very diffic-”
“Yukino!” The door to Yukino’s dorm was blown open, possibly from the force of Haruka’s voice alone. “What is that bubuzuke-onna trying to do to you now?” Haruka demanded as she stormed into the room.
Yukino shot up from her chair. “Haruka-chan, no, she’s-”
“Ara, it’s alright, Yukino-san,” Shizuru interjected, rising from her seat. “I’ll leave the two of you alone for now. Don’t worry about me.” She met Yukino’s eyes once more and gave her another reassuring smile, and then turned to go. Haruka appeared to be trying to burn holes in Shizuru’s skull with her glare, but Shizuru simply met this with a passive smile.
As Shizuru reached the door, she paused in her step and turned back. “Oh, and Suzushiro-san? Don’t worry about Yukino-san too much. If you have to go, I’ll be right back here to take care of her.”
Haruka crossed her arms and growled at Shizuru. “Don’t count on it, Fujino.”
Shizuru gave a mock pout. When Haruka turned back around, Shizuru gave a quick wink at Yukino, who was currently trying to hold back a sigh at how easily Haruka was letting herself be manipulated. “Alright, goodbye for now then.”
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