Love’s Wake
Natsuki knew what was coming; she’d been through this twice before. The first time, she was asleep and couldn’t do anything to stop it or in response to it. Her mind picked up that it had happened, though, and before long it had filtered down to her dreams. There, she’d gone through it a second a time. As Shizuru’s lips were about to meet hers in the dream, she’d panicked and awoken with a start, her hand moving up to cover her mouth. Her heart had been pounding rapidly; it was the first time she’d ever felt afraid of Shizuru.
She was afraid now, too, but she didn’t wake up. At least in the real world. In her dream, her eyes opened just as Shizuru’s lips were about to meet hers. Shizuru froze, her eyes opened wide in panic as she was caught in the act. Natsuki didn’t know what Shizuru saw in her eyes, but in Shizuru’s crimson orbs she saw love inextricably mixed with pain. The sight was too much for her. She’d seen the same thing in Shizuru’s eyes earlier, except some of the pain was gone and replaced with hope.
I put that hope there, Natsuki realized. But I didn’t take away all the pain. Maybe I could, though. I could give in to her and give her everything she wants from me. But if I didn’t really love her, it wouldn’t last. She’d know. She can always see through me so easily, there’s no way I could fool her. I have to actually love her. The question is: Can I? Why is this so hard? I think I want to… that kiss certainly felt nice. And that lurching in my stomach and the weird pain-like sensation in my chest, I think I liked that too, even. Is that what love is? What did Shizuru feel when we kissed?
At that thought, Natsuki came out of her reverie. The scene had changed. She was back on her bed, where she and Shizuru had kissed not long before. She was holding Shizuru just as she had then, gazing into the girl’s eyes as she tried to steel up the courage to move in and kiss her. Before, she’d needed to do this to know what it would feel like, if it would stir anything in her. It stirred something in her, that was for sure, she just had no idea what it was.
But it wasn’t just the need to know that made her do it. It was why she’d chosen to try it at first, but when she got closer to doing so, she was nearly paralyzed with nervousness. It was when she looked into Shizuru’s eyes and saw that the pain which had always haunted them since the Carnival was being consumed by a flame of hope that Natsuki leaned in. She couldn’t back away then; she couldn’t let that flame be extinguished. So she brought her lips to Shizuru’s, stoking the flame and, for a few precious minutes, letting it consume her.
She still couldn’t figure out if what she’d felt was love. All she knew was that she enjoyed it, and she would have let it last much longer if she hadn’t started to worry about getting Shizuru sick. But this was just a dream, so she didn’t need to worry about that now. She didn’t need to worry about making sure she didn’t hurt Shizuru by pulling away; she’d already gone through with it and made one of Shizuru’s dreams come true.
There was no pressure on her this time. She could have backed off, she could have woken up, and Shizuru would never be hurt by it. But she didn’t. She leaned in once more, bringing her lips up to meet those of the Shizuru of her dreams. This one’s for me, she thought as she let her mind relive the moment. She felt every sensation pass through her again, and although she couldn’t identify any of them, she allowed herself to relish them all.
Is this love then? Natsuki wondered. Dreaming about kissing her, being so happy just to see a picture of her face, feeling a warmth in my chest just thinking about her? It could be, I guess. Heat rushed through Natsuki’s chest again at this thought. There’s that feeling again. What is that? Does Shizuru feel that when she thinks about me? Her smile shifted slightly, into an expression of contentment. That was it, she’d have to ask Shizuru what she felt. If she felt the same thing, then Natsuki would have her answer.
Natsuki’s chest tightened suddenly and her breathing quickened. What’s this, then? It certainly isn’t pleasurable. Wait… nervousness maybe? Am I nervous about possibly giving Shizuru my answer? Natsuki’s heart started pounding in her chest, giving her her answer. Yeah, I think that’s it. How is she going to react if I tell her? Would she be able to hold herself back, or would she jump on me right there? I think I could handle a kiss, but would she stop there?
Natsuki felt a blush rise to her cheeks at what Shizuru might want to do to her. She’d had a taste of it a couple years ago, when Shizuru had “helped” her buy lingerie. She’d almost passed out from Shizuru’s ministrations then, and Shizuru had only been doing what she could get away with under the guise of helping Natsuki find the perfect bra. If she weren’t restrained, and if she had the comfort of knowing that Natsuki felt for her the same way, how far would Shizuru go?
Natsuki shook her head vigorously and slapped her forehead. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, don’t go there! Shizuru isn’t some sex-crazed monster; she’ll be able to restrain herself. If she loves me, she’ll be willing to wait until I’m ready. Just like she’s willing to wait for me right now. Natsuki’s smile reformed, and she allowed herself to refocus on the picture of Shizuru. Thank you, Shizuru.
As she let her gaze drift from the picture, Natsuki caught the clock’s display of 6:02 a.m., and she let out a sigh. So she’d slept through the night then, and missed Shizuru if she’d come back. Well, at least she’d gotten to see her in her dreams. Natsuki allowed herself a grin at this as she stretched out her arms and pushed herself up.
A flash of white on her bedside table caught Natsuki’s attention as she was sitting up. Turning back to it, she noticed that an envelope had been placed on it, just behind the picture. She picked it up and eyed the cover, immediately recognizing Shizuru’s elegant handwriting, which had written her name followed by a small heart. Natsuki suppressed a blush at the heart and managed to redirect it into a chuckle. I told you not to read too much into that kiss, Shizuru, but this is sweet nonetheless.
Natsuki opened up the envelope, finding three pieces of paper folded up inside. She unfolded them and lied back down on her bed as she started reading the first sheet:
Natsuki,
I wrote you a letter this morning about some things I wanted to clear up with you. However, it seems that one particular point in it has suddenly become a bit dated, though I never could have predicted it this morning. I decided to leave the letter as it was, though, and simply write a follow-up to it. You’ll see what I mean as you read on.
Natsuki flipped over to the second sheet. She figured Shizuru probably was talking about their kiss in some way, but she couldn’t figure out how that might have tied in to something Shizuru would have written in the morning.
Ara, Natsuki, I had a very interesting dream last night. I was reliving that night back in the Carnival, where I’d stolen that kiss from you. In my dream, however, I was able to do things right. I stopped myself from stealing that kiss, and instead I carried your sleeping form inside to get you out of the cold. While in there, I mused over some aspects of what had happened, and I’d like to share my thoughts on it with you.
That kiss I stole from you, that was your first kiss, wasn’t it, Natsuki? I can’t imagine any you ever having the occasion to kiss someone else. I’m sorry, Natsuki. To make your first kiss be from a friend’s betrayal, that’s something I can never take back. It was my first kiss too, actually. Maybe you suspected I’d fooled around with one of my fangirls at some point. I could have, but I wanted to save my first kiss to be with you, the one I secretly loved. But I should have saved it longer, and I have to live with the fact that I didn’t.
Though that was my first time kissing anyone, it wasn’t my first time being kissed, as it was yours. For me, that happened near the end of the Carnival, when you kissed me to save me from being a monster. I cherish that memory, Natsuki. What you did meant so much to me. But I’m not the one who deserves the cherished memory of her first time being kissed; you are, but I made yours a moment of regret.
I know we can’t pretend that never happened, but it would be much sweeter if we could think of the kiss I gave you last night as the first time I kissed you. At least, it was the first time while you were awake and could have stopped it if you wanted to. Isn’t it much better for your first received kiss to be from a friend trying to comfort you than from a friend betraying you?
I’m not sure if that would really work, though. If not, there’s still one other big first you can look forward to: your first mutual kiss. I sincerely hope it’s with me, but until you decide how you feel about me, I can’t say for sure that it will be. If it is, I promise that I’ll do everything I can to make it as special as possible. Maybe you can consider that a little extra reason to make the right decision. Sorry, couldn’t resist one little tease.
Your regretful friend,
Shizuru
That warm feeling coursed through Natsuki’s chest again as she thought about Shizuru’s words. She’d never really thought about that as being her first kiss before. She’d never really been the type to care about things like that. However, there was something about the way Shizuru had written about it that made her feel an echo of those feelings. She flipped over to the last page, anxious to see what Shizuru had to say about their first mutual kiss.
Ara ara, Natsuki, that kiss was everything I’d ever dreamed of! Thank you so much for that. I know, I know, you said I wasn’t supposed to think too much into it. I realize that you did it because you needed to know what it was like. So I’m not going to think too much into your reasoning for doing it. That won’t stop me, however, from thinking into how the kiss itself felt, and I hope you’ll be doing much the same thing.
I mentioned in my last letter how I hoped we could share our first mutual kiss together, and I’m so glad that it actually came about. That’ll truly be a memory I’ll always treasure, and I hope you will too. You can think of that as your first real kiss, if you want; I know I will. I’m just disappointed that we couldn’t properly finish it. I hope we’ll be able to once you’re over your flu. I’ll be sure to make the rest of that kiss just as memorable as the beginning of it was.
There’s just one little problem I have. You see, I was supposed to be doing a favor for you there, but it really feels like I got at least as much out of that kiss as you. With that in mind, I can’t really count it as a favor to help make up things to you. You’re going to have to help me out a bit more here. So, here’s what I’ve decided to do to help you out with this: At the bottom of this page I’ve drawn out and signed four “coupons,” each good for one big favor from me, whatever you may want with no limitations. You can cut them out on your own; I didn’t do it myself as I didn’t want you to be wondering what they were until you read these letters.
These coupons represent me making up to you for the four big times I’ve hurt you or made you uncomfortable: shopping for lingerie, the incident with the negi when you had a cold, when I took advantage of you during the carnival, and the other incident with the negi last night. Yes, I’m still giving you one for the last one; the kiss was too enjoyable for me to be able to count it as a favor for you. Though if you decide to make the other favors as enjoyable, I’m certainly not going to complain. But don’t worry too much about that. You use them for whatever you want, and I’ll be pleased to give it to you.
Well, that’s it for now, Natsuki. I’m sorry I couldn’t catch you when you were still awake, and I really didn’t want to wake you up when you were sleeping so peacefully. I guess I’ll see you in a couple days, then. Be nice to Mai tomorrow, and if you do start missing me, I’ll just be a phone call away.
Your first kiss,
Shizuru
“Shizuru…” Natsuki chuckled. Shizuru could be so silly at times. Maybe love made her that way. Would I ever end up like that? Natsuki wondered. She glanced down at the coupons Shizuru had drawn out for her, imagining what silly things she could get Shizuru to do with them. Heh, like I could ever get up the courage to even ask. Better to save these for something serious anyways.
Natsuki left the letters on the table; she’d get to cutting out the coupons later. She then proceeded to go about her usual morning routine, pleasantly noting that she didn’t look nearly as bad this morning as she had the previous day. Her body was still pretty sore, and she was pretty sure she still had a fever judging by the fact that she needed to make the shower’s water almost ice-cold to avoid overheating in it.
Although all her symptoms were easily as bad as before, somehow it wasn’t bothering her as much. Maybe it was simply that she wasn’t fretting over her feelings this day. She still wasn’t sure that it was love she felt, but she knew she’d gotten as far as she could on her own, and she had a plan on how to figure the rest out.
What she didn’t have a plan for, however, was what she was going to do with her day. Before the Carnival had ended, she’d spent all her time on one mission or another, whether trying to track down other HiME, fighting Orphans, or trying to find out what had happened to her mother. In the few weeks since then, she’d been shanghaied by Mai into spending almost all her free time hanging around with the other girls. But being in an infectious state as she was, that wasn’t going to be an option today.
Eventually, as she wandered her dorm searching for something to do, she came upon Shizuru’s letters to her once more, and an idea struck her. Maybe she could try her hand at that, writing something to Shizuru in turn. But what to write? There were so many things she could say to Shizuru about the thoughts that had been going through her head.
Natsuki went to her desk and took out a pen and some paper. She sat there for a few minutes, idly tapping the pen on the desk as she tried to figure out where to start and what all she should say. She sighed and leaned back in her chair after a bit. It would make most sense to simply tell Shizuru about what she’d probably be wondering, such as what had been going through Natsuki’s head in all this time.
Well, maybe it’s just best to start at the beginning. Let’s see, I explained to her pretty much why I needed time alone when we talked a couple days ago, so I guess my thoughts since then are the first thing I should tell her about. Her decision made, Natsuki started to gather her thoughts, trying to recall every thought that had gone through her head that night. Given that most of them had gone through at least three times over the course of the night, it wasn’t a difficult task. After a minute to organize them all, she leaned forward to her desk and took pen to paper.
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