Miss Maria’s Scorn
Shizuru let out a disappointed sigh as she failed to find Natsuki in their shared apartment – covertly formed by installing an extra door between the Second and Third Columns’ official residences in Garderobe – when she returned home from her day at work. She allowed herself to collapse into a chair in their study and gazed out the window, having worn out every option for finding Natsuki hiding somewhere. Finding Natsuki waiting at home to surprise her was her last remaining hope for satisfactorily explaining her lover’s absence, and now that was gone.
After all the problems that had come up at the beginning of their relationship due to not communicating well enough with each other, Natsuki and Shizuru had made a promise to be as open as possible with each other to avoid such problems in the future. The only exceptions they allowed for this was when they were planning some surprise. Shizuru had been hoping that this was the case today, though she couldn’t think what the reason might be. It wasn’t anywhere near either of their birthdays or any particular anniversary of their relationship she could think of. Then again, with how Natsuki had been acting lately, surprising Shizuru for no reason wouldn’t have been too shocking. But sadly, that didn’t appear to be the case today.
Whatever Natsuki’s reason for leaving, Shizuru was left out of the loop on it. As far as she knew, Natsuki had always been completely open with her, and she’d tried to be so in turn. No, wait… Shizuru sighed, a little voice in her mind reminding her that there were indeed a couple things she’d been keeping secret from Natsuki. There was her role in the Natsuki Kruger fanclub for one, which she’d rationalized keeping secret as it had started before they’d made this promise to each other, and besides, the perks – access to every fanbook ever made which featured Natsuki – were just too good to risk on Natsuki’s possible reaction.
But that wasn’t the secret that had Shizuru most worried. Over a year ago, when she’d been captured during the Wind Uprising, she’d taken advantage of Tomoe Marguerite’s crush on her in order to effect her escape. Unfortunately, to do that she’d had to push the limits of remaining faithful to Natsuki. By her standards, she’d made it, but just barely. It had been Tomoe who kissed her, while she refused to reciprocate – at least, to anything like the degree she did with Natsuki – and later… well, at least she’d avoided having to have sex with the girl, which was enough of a victory, considering.
But if Natsuki had found out about that, and if she knew that Shizuru had been trying to keep this secret from her, then she’d certainly be furious. The fact that Shizuru had remained faithful to the best of her ability likely wouldn’t matter too much, though Natsuki might at least focus her rage on Tomoe instead. But perhaps Natsuki had been contacted by Tomoe, and that girl might well have exaggerated what had happened…
No. Shizuru shook her head. Such a discovery would have made Natsuki immediately angry, and she’d confront Shizuru about it as soon as she could. She wouldn’t have run away from a problem like this; it just wasn’t in her personality. If she’d learned about it while Shizuru was out that morning, she might have even hunted her down and pulled her out of her meeting with Queen Mashiro to have it out with her.
Shizuru sighed and allowed a wry smile to cross her face. The pain of keeping that secret was starting to catch up with her. She really deserved that kind of treatment from Natsuki for it. It wasn’t fair to keep something like this from her; she really deserved to know. Perhaps it was time she got it all out. She didn’t want to move forward in their relationship with a heavy heart, and Natsuki certainly did seem intent on moving forward finally.
But that still left the problem of exactly what Natsuki was mad about now. With that possible explanation for Natsuki’s departure ruled out, Shizuru was left with only the possibility that Natsuki was mad at her for something that had happened soon before she’d left, but wasn’t quite as drastic as finding out about Tomoe. But what had she done wrong? Had her teasing gotten too much for the girl, perhaps? Natsuki did seem a bit more flustered than usual when Shizuru had given Arika a peck on the forehead earlier that day, but why would that get her so upset? Shizuru flirted with cute girls all the time, and Natsuki knew that she didn’t mean anything by it, didn’t she? It was just some harmless fun, and Natsuki was always so cute when she got jealous…
But there was a line between making her jealous and making her mad, and perhaps Shizuru had finally crossed it. It didn’t really matter what the specific reason was for this particular incident pushing Natsuki over the edge; all that mattered was that it did. Or if it was something else she’d done, even if she couldn’t think of it right now, it was still wrong if it hurt Natsuki. Nothing tore at her heart more than thinking that she’d somehow upset her love. She’d have to talk with Natsuki about this when she got back, so that she knew what exactly was the problem, and could then do whatever it would take to make things right – about this and her other secrets. She could only hope that Natsuki would choose one of their more enjoyable methods of punishment.
My life went into a tailspin in the wake of my encounter with Natsuki. Her actions simply made no sense to me with the way I was thinking at that time, and I couldn’t just shrug off such an event as a simple oddity. I’d hurt her deeply, and so I couldn’t just let things go. Her betrayed expression haunted my mind and tore at my heart. As much as I tried, I just couldn’t shake it.
I went through the next day trapped in my own world, only making a token appearance at classes and the Trias meeting. I was so deep in my thoughts that I couldn’t even hear all of Haruka-san’s yelling through the meeting, even when she directed it at me for not paying attention to her. I think that meeting might have been the only time she ran out of steam on her own, as I just couldn’t focus enough to help redirect her energy to something more productive.
Fortunately though, Haruka-san was the only one with the poor tact to try to engage me in conversation at all that day. The rest of the school soon knew about what had happened between me and Natsuki. No one really knew what to say about it, and so most simply left me alone. As for Natsuki… well, they really didn’t have any option there. She spent the time holed up in her room, and it pains me to think of the depression she must have been going through.
I tried as much as I could to make sense of what had happened, but it was simply impossible under the current framework of my mind. I’d sorted the world out into two groups – those who were my fans and who wanted whatever they could get from me, and those who weren’t. Natsuki was obviously a fan – there was just no way around that – so why wouldn’t she want my touch?
I knew there were some other girls who respected and idolized me and yet didn’t want that kind of contact, but I didn’t really count them as my fans. They generally kept a greater distance when I was swarmed, and they were simply quiet and polite to me when we had a chance to interact. But they wouldn’t be the type to ask to become my heya-gakkari, knowing exactly what that would entail. Natsuki certainly wasn’t one of them.
To tell the truth, I think on some level I really knew what the problem was. As I reflected on Natsuki, images of my encounter with Anh a year ago flashed through my mind. I could see in her face the same expression I wore when Anh had nearly molested me, only much worse. Although I’d been able to keep Anh from actually going through with groping me, I’d never given Natsuki a chance to resist before I grabbed her breast. Even though she’d kept me from going any further, the damage was done.
I’d defiled an innocent girl because I was too caught up in myself to believe a fan of mine couldn’t want that. I’d become Anh, only I didn’t need alcohol to enable me, and I’d planned to go even further. That was the truth I didn’t want to face. I struggled to justify things to myself to avoid coming to this realization. No one wants to admit to herself that she could have become something so terrible and done such a deed, but I was headed inevitably towards that conclusion. I was just desperately trying to keep myself away from it through flimsy rationalizations.
In the end though, I didn’t quite get the chance to come to this conclusion completely on my own. I’m not sure whether it was better things turned out as they did or not; if nothing else, it got me there sooner. But I’m not sure if that was quite necessary for what happened later. Well, I guess I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.
You see, Haruka-san wasn’t the only one who chose not to leave me alone that day. A certain member of the faculty, Miss Maria Graceburt, had also heard of what had happened. Being the local disciplinarian, she naturally took it upon herself to handle me. Her fondness for making a surprising entrance led her to waiting until just after I’d passed her office while on my way back from classes to appear in the hallway, clearing her throat angrily behind me.
I’d never been in trouble with Miss Maria before, but I knew that sound full well, and it was obviously directed at me. I nervously turned around to face her, giving her a polite bow. “Miss Maria, what can I…” I started to say.
“Miss Viola.” Her voice was perfectly steady, which somehow made it all the more frightening. I’d heard her disciplining other students, and she rarely had any qualms about showing her anger. It was disquieting, to say the least, to think how angry she must have been that there wasn’t even a tone of voice appropriate for it. “We need to speak.”
With that, she withdrew to her office. Unlike the younger girls who had to face her wrath, she at least spared me the dignity of being allowed to walk in under my own power, rather than being dragged by the ear. Or perhaps she simply wished for me to prolong my own torment in waiting for her verdict by staying out in the hallway longer of my own accord. It didn’t really matter to me, though. To be honest, even facing Miss Maria’s wrath, my mind was still stuck on Natsuki. I was still more worried about what I’d done to her and her reaction than whatever punishment I might face for it.
And so I didn’t waste any time in following Miss Maria into her office. I kept my head low as I entered – not because I was trying to avoid offending her, but simply because I felt low – and so I didn’t notice there was another person in the room until I sat down beside her. I glanced over at her, finding that she appeared to be close to my age, but she was wearing the uniform of a Wind University student. She also seemed to have an air of maturity about her, as if she’d had an Otome’s training. That certainly didn’t apply to her hairstyle, though, which appeared as if she simply let it go whichever way it preferred. It certainly wouldn’t pass Miss Maria’s standards. Deep within me, I idly acknowledged that she was pretty cute, but that small voice was quickly drowned out by another which said that she was nothing compared to Natsuki.
“I apologize for this, Miss Chrysant,” Miss Maria said to the girl beside me. “I don’t know what’s keeping Miss Armitage, but I really need to handle this now. Would you mind waiting outside for a few minutes? The cafeteria is just down the hall if you wish to sit down.”
“Oh, uh, don’t worry about it,” the girl next to me said as she got up. She gave Miss Maria a graceful bow, and then cast a quick glance in my direction. I wasn’t sure what emotion might have been behind her glance, as I dropped my gaze as soon as I saw her looking at me. I was determined to remain in my own world as much as possible. “I think I’ll just meet Armitage-san in the hallway, so don’t worry if she doesn’t come in. She shouldn’t be much longer.”
“Of course,” Miss Maria said, nodding her head to the girl as she slipped out the door. Miss Maria then turned to me as she sat down behind her desk. She stared at me for a few long minutes before she spoke. “I assume you know why I asked you here, Miss Viola. Needless to say, I’m very disappointed in you.”
I only gave a small nod in response. What would have been the point in saying anything? I could barely even justify my actions to myself anymore. After it became clear to her that I didn’t have anything to say, Miss Maria continued. “I had quite high hopes for you,” she said with a sigh. “Not simply as an Otome, but as a person of character as well. I didn’t think anyone would be able to rein in Miss Lu, but somehow you managed it. I was quite impressed with how you handled her last year when you learned what she’s like under the influence. It’s just unfortunate that you’ve been on a decline ever since that moment. Although you may have mellowed her a bit, Miss Lu seems to have had much more of an effect on you, in much the wrong direction.”
I still didn’t have anything I could really say in response to this, but my mind flashed back once more to the girl I was a year ago. I imagined my younger self being victim to my molestation in place of Natsuki, and I knew that I would certainly have hated it, though perhaps not as much as Natsuki had. Had I really changed so much that I could have done something so terrible? What had happened to me…? The image of Natsuki’s hurt face formed in my mind’s eye and stayed there, haunting me. The thought of her pain finally broke through my resistance, and I could feel all my regret pouring out. I no longer cared about trying to excuse my behavior. I dropped my head down as I mentally cried, Forgive me, Natsuki…
“Shizuru?” The word caught me off guard and snapped me out of my thoughts. Both Miss Maria’s sudden informality and the gentle tone of her voice were so uncharacteristic of her that I completely forgot about Natsuki as I stared up at the woman incredulously. She looked back at me with concern in her eyes for a moment, but then she reverted back to her normal self.
“You understand that sexual harassment is a very serious matter, Miss Viola,” she said. I nodded hesitantly at this, still stunned by the rapid changes in her mood. “If I felt it necessary, I could have you expelled for this.” Perhaps that statement would have shocked me if I were in a more normal state, but it didn’t faze me much at that time. “But I think you’re genuinely better than this, and I can see that you truly regret your actions, so I don’t think such drastic measures are necessary.”
I felt a bit of relief at that, but it oddly wasn’t simply because I wasn’t going to get expelled. For some reason, I think I was just relieved that Miss Maria could see that I regretted it. I didn’t want to be a person who could do something like that without regret. I wished I wasn’t a person who could do that at all, but it was too late for that. At least I could work towards being better in the future.
Miss Maria was silent for a bit, presumably waiting for me to say something. I honestly didn’t have much I could think of to say, though. When it was clear that I’d have to say something or we’d sit here forever, I decided to broach a subject I’d been a bit concerned about, hoping that Miss Maria’s information network might be able to give me a little clue. I dropped my gaze from Miss Maria and tentatively said, “Miss Maria… do you know how Kruger-san is doing?”
“Not well.” A sharp pain hit my heart at that revelation. “She hasn’t left her room all day. If I could hazard a guess, I’d say she’s suffering from a mix of heartbreak, disillusionment, and betrayal. She’ll pull through, but this is one of those character-forming times that could really affect who she grows up to be, depending on what happens in the next few days.”
“Oh,” I said. It felt to me that Miss Maria was hinting to me that I should do something, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to talk to Natsuki easily. Talking to me was likely the last thing she wanted to do.
Miss Maria waited a bit, and when it became clear I had nothing more to say, she continued, “Alright, Miss Viola, I’ve decided on your punishment for this incident. You are tasked with gaining Miss Kruger’s forgiveness for what you’ve done to her. Until you do, you are prohibited from selecting a heya gakkari.”
I looked up at Miss Maria in surprise. This seemed unusually lenient coming from her, even if it did turn out to be impossible to get Natsuki’s forgiveness. I was expecting something much more extreme, such as having to clean the campus grounds alone for a week. Why was she being nice to me, particularly for something as severe as this? “Um, is that it?” I asked tentatively, hoping I wasn’t calling more down upon myself.
“You think I’m being lenient, Miss Viola?” Miss Maria said, an eyebrow raised. “If you feel you deserve more punishment, then feel free to discipline yourself however you see fit, but this is all I have for you. You may leave.”
It took me a while to understand just why Miss Maria chose that particular brand of punishment. Only when I had responsibilities of my own, working alongside of her, did it finally make sense. Her goal wasn’t to punish me. Obviously, part of her intentions were to help Natsuki get through this better, but that wasn’t all. She wanted to help me grow, and she knew that simple punishment would never have done that. I had to learn to fix the problems I created, and I had to be humbled a little.
To gain Natsuki’s forgiveness, I’d have to admit that I was wrong. I’d have to drop the façade of Shizuru-oneesama and approach her as simply Shizuru. The trick though was in figuring out just who Shizuru was. In a year of playing the role of an idol, I’d forgotten myself. Natsuki had seen a glimmer of who I really was behind that façade – even though nowadays she thinks that she was just being dumb and oblivious, my protestations to the contrary – and I would have to bring that person out again for her sake.
But I hadn’t figured all of that out quite then. I’d need some more time to think to myself before I’d come to that conclusion. And so, still confused by Miss Maria’s leniency, I hesitantly got up and made my way to the door. I half expected her to drop some extra pronouncement on me while I was on my way out, but none was coming. I let out a sigh of relief when the door to her office finally closed behind me, only to be stunned out of my thoughts by a yell from down the hall: “Gah! Leave me alone already! Festering me is no way to convince me to select you as my heya-gakkari!”
“Festering”? The commotion at the end of the hall seemed to die down for a moment as the coral targeted by this outburst tried to puzzle this one out. After a moment, the answer came from a figure who I’d once more completely failed to notice right beside me: “Um, do you mean ‘pestering,’ Armitage-san?”
“What? Of course I…” Haruka trailed off at this. Discreetly glancing over at Haruka, I noticed that a slight blush had formed in her cheeks and she was nervously scratching the back of her neck. “Er, you would be Yukino Chrysant, I guess… I’m sorry I’m late, you see I…”
Yukino gave a pleasant chuckle. “Don’t worry about it,” she said, as she started walking towards Haruka.
I chose this moment to take my leave, deciding that it wouldn’t be proper to eavesdrop on the two of them any longer, whatever they might be up to. I had quite enough to think about on my own. I was getting worried about how Natsuki was doing, and I figured it would be best if I at least apologized to her. I couldn’t expect her to forgive me just yet, but I had to do what I could for her. The distraction provided by Haruka gone, I had started to once again feel the pain over how I’d hurt her.
Never again. I swore that back then, didn’t I? I’d do whatever I could to avoid hurting Natsuki like that again… but I’ve failed. I didn’t think about how what I was doing was really affecting her. She has every right to be mad. I just hope she’ll be able to forgive me again…
Shizuru let out a sigh as she reached to the nightstand on the side of their bed and looked at the picture of Natsuki she kept framed there. Her mind superimposed the expression of hurt she’d seen on her beloved’s face that morning over the smiling visage in the photograph. She reached a hand out instinctively to trace along Natsuki’s face in the picture, trying to wipe away the pain.
“I’m sorry, Natsuki…” she said to the picture, wishing her love were there to hear it herself. With a sigh, she allowed herself to drop down to the bed. After a few moments sitting there, she laid back, catching sight of a silhouette standing in the doorway as she did so. Her heart started pounding rapidly in her chest as she recognized Natsuki and wondered how the woman had gotten in without her noticing. Had she been that engrossed in her own thoughts? But, no, that wasn’t what mattered now. They needed to talk, to get this sorted out, to…
“And for that, love…” Natsuki said, walking into the room. The tone of her voice surprised Shizuru. There didn’t seem to be any anger left in it. If anything, Natsuki seemed to be a bit pleased. When Natsuki got up onto the bed and climbed on top of Shizuru, the smirk on her face confirmed this. “…I’ll be merciful.”
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