The Island of Lost Children
Warning: Spoilers for the show, although I am rearranging things as I
want them for this story, some out-of-characterness and mention of m/m
in passing.
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We were the lost children. The ones born for no other reason than
sacrifice; from the moment of our conception it was decided by those in
charge that we were to be the shields and spears of the island. We were
created the blood sacrifices for a peace that was a lie, a generation of
fodder for a war we knew nothing about.
That is not to say that we were unwanted, or at least not all of us.
Some of us were blessed to have parents, or parent as the case might be,
that loved us as best they were able. But it was understandable that the
adults that knew our fate, while they fed us and clothed us as required,
could not bear to form any deeper emotions for us. We were to be
sacrificed after all, how much more painful would that not have been for
them had they truly allowed themselves to love us?
In this I was no more or less fortunate than most of the others. In my
earliest childhood years I had both a father and a mother whom acted
affectionately towards me, and a loving elder sister. Although my father
never showed in word or deed to me the cruel and abusive man he became
to my mother and sister back then, I still felt the disturbance keenly
enough to still recall the discomfort of my home while father was
around. The distance between the adults and my sister's anguish and
impotent anger colour those memories in equal measure with the longing I
felt for happier days that I now as an adult can barely remember.
Then one day my father was gone, had left the island for places unknown
to me. Home became more peaceful, and certainly both my mother and my
sister were happier this way. I missed my father and clung to the
memories of him, but I knew even back then not to show it as it would
only bring pain to my sweet and loving sister, and to the mother I told
myself I knew loved me even if she was always too busy for me.
In essence, my mother kept her distance to me, and instead I was raised
by my dear sister and the various teachers that were involved in our
lives. Looking back now, armed with the knowledge my forced early
adulthood brought, I know my father to have been a callous monster of a
man, someone whose darkness nearly doomed us all. I also know my
mother's distance was the result of her long and desperate struggle to
save us all, all of the lost children of Alvis, out of a strong love not
only for me but for all the children she had created.
Yes. My mother, though not biologically, is in a way the mother of all
the children of Tatsumiya island, for she is the one that has created
us. I grew up knowing this of course, but what I did not know was what
it meant to her; creating each new life hoping for the best yet knowing
as few others could that for most of us, death was the kindest future.
Knowing that the things she did to our growing bodies before our births
would be our doom unless she could find a miracle.
How many lives that she created and delivered into the world were
eventually returned to her as corpses? Even now I do not know, only that
of my own particular group there were not many; few left corpses behind.
I wonder why it never occurred to any of us growing up that there was a
very tangible gap in the world around us? Between the adults on the
island and the children in school there was an emptiness that was not
explained to us, there should have been young adults, older teens, at
least a handful born in the intervening years, yet there were none. We
watched as group after group of our immediate seniors supposedly left
our shores at graduation, to make their way into the wider world the
adults said, and we thought nothing of the fact that not one of them
returned. Of my sister's age-group there are a rare few that remain, and
between hers and mine, none. One way or the other, all those children
died in the war.
There was an event that in a strange way I believe changed everything.
It happened while we were all still so small, still so innocent and
ignorant of the world we lived in. Of the ones that were directly
involved in what happened, only I remain now to tell about it.
It was the summer we were seven, and we ran around unsupervised in our
small childish adventures. Who could have known what would happen?
It was myself, Kazuki-kun, Minashiro-kun, Kasugai-kun and... Shouko.
Back then the boys were Kazu-chan, Sou-chan and Kyou-chan, regretfully
the years that followed changed that closeness, and the politeness of
the adult world intruded. Either way, that summer Kazuki-kun had been
playing with some parts for a transceiver radio, and while he fiddled
with the repairs a voice had sounded among the static.
I recall how excited we were, and how proud Kazuki-kun was of his
repairs... Sakura was going to come with us as we were going to try to
send a message to the voice together, but she was called away at last
moment. The rest of us were there, on that remote hill, when Kazuki-kun
turned the radio on, and among the static a female-sounding voice
clearly called out to us.
"Are you there?"
As agreed upon we were all going to call out the answer when
Minashiro-kun pressed the button, however he was too fast for the rest
of us and his voice alone rang clear into the radio. What followed was a
nightmare for our innocent selves. The radio crackled and Minashiro-kun
started screaming, horrible, terrible screams while he convulsed, his
back arching and his eyes wide open and staring at the sky. For months
afterwards I would hear those screams in my haunted dreams, and yet that
was not the last of it.
Kazuki-kun, probably thinking Minashiro-kun was being electrocuted,
yanked his friend away and gave the machine an impressive kick of his
tiny foot, smashing the receiver. Minashiro-kun slumped over but did not
stop screaming for a while, I think both I and Shouko reached out to him
but he pushed us away. The sounds he made when he stopped screaming were
somehow even worse, and when he straightened up Minashiro-kun...
He looked so frightening, with that mad expression and a wild look in
his eyes that had changed colour, one of them becoming a horribly
inhuman gold. Shouko crawled over to me and clung to me, but
Minashiro-kun saw neither of us. Instead he stared at Kazuki-kun, and in
a frightening voice he kept asking that question, the same one the voice
on the radio had. "Are you there?"
He reached towards Kazuki-kun with something long and green-glowing
growing out of his hand. I don't know which one of us screamed, if it
was Shouko or I, but he turned towards us with that thing, aiming it at
Shouko. Kasugai-kun grabbed him, yelling that he was scaring Shouko, but
Minashiro-kun shoved him away so hard that Kasugai-kun went flying.
Kazuki-kun tried to stop him then, and there was a scuffle between the
boys. I was honestly never quite sure what happened as I couldn't see
past Shouko's head, I just know Minashiro-kun tried to kill Kazuki-kun
while saying those words over and over. Then suddenly as Kazuki-kun was
down, trapped against the base of the big tree with Minashiro-kun
standing over him, something happened and Minashiro-kun rammed that
green-glowing thing right into his own eye.
There was so much blood and screaming, and Minashiro-kun was on the
ground clutching his eye as the blood poured out, wailing in pain and
sobbing that he was sorry. Kazuki-kun was in shock and wouldn't move, so
I vaguely remember yelling at Kasugai-kun to run and get help from the
adults before I took off my thin summer jacket, balled it up and pressed
it to Minashiro-kun's head. He sort of crawled into my lap as I did, and
I sat there for what felt like forever, cradling Minashiro-kun while
trying to stop the bleeding and talking to him to keep him calm as we
waited for mother to arrive.
Looking back I wonder, why did we never question what happened? I cannot
recall ever getting a single explanation for the green crystal-like
things growing out of Minashiro-kun's hand, or why he went crazy and
tried to kill Kazuki-kun. We were told not to talk about what had
happened, and we did not. Kazuki-kun and Minashiro-kun were no longer
best friends, and Minashiro-kun lost the use of his eye, but other than
that it was as if that event never took place.
From speaking with my mother I now know that from that exposure to the
Festum contaminant we, all of us save Minashiro-kun whose fate was more
complicated, were slotted for piloting the Fafners for certain. Our
genetic specifications were the base used for the work on the interface
system for the Nothung-series Fafners, even though they were a long time
from becoming workable at that point. Also the attacks on the island
changed that day, up until that point Festum encounters were random, by
chance... after what happened the Festum were aware that we were out
there, and actively came searching for us. Does that make it our fault,
the five children on that hill? All those deaths that would follow...
then again, we paid for it, didn't we? And ultimately it was this group
of children and their friends that bought the state of peace that
humanity now enjoys.
The price was high though. They are all gone now, Minashiro-kun,
Kasugai-kun, Kazuki-kun and Shouko, only I remain.
Minashiro-kun was assimilated by an enemy Festum until not even ashes
remained of him, though until his last day Kazuki-kun swore they would
meet again. Kasugai-kun was a victim of Festum assimilation from his
work as a pilot, and despite efforts to stop it he became a MIR,
although a thinking, feeling MIR that was our ally. He is still out
there somewhere, I know, but he has left his humanity behind. Kazuki-kun
was also taken over by the heavy toll the fighting had claimed, from the
Assimilation Disease that takes our bodies from exposure to the Fafners
we pilot. By then my mother had developed the cure as per Makabe Akane's
instructions, but Kazuki-kun... to be honest I think Kazuki-kun lacked
the will to live any longer. He told me that he was going to be with
Minashiro-kun again, and that same day he boarded his Fafner never to
return.
Then there was Shouko. My brave, gentle, precious Shouko.
Objectively speaking, despite my love for my mother and sister, I would
say that Shouko had the good fortune to receive the best parent of all
of us. Hazama Youko was always, in her position of teacher besides being
Shouko's mother, a solid presence in all our lives growing up, and there
was not a single one among us that did not adore the woman. I who had
even more contact with aunt Youko, being both Shouko's best friend and
the daughter and sister of the island's doctor and nurse, have always
felt particularly grateful that it was she who was given Shouko to
raise. Shouko was always so frail, so fragile, and while her heart was
ever strong and loving her body just could not hold up. Aunt Youko loved
and supported Shouko every step of the way... she was never just raising
a future pilot, aunt Youko was raising her precious only child.
Why did we bond so tightly, Shouko and I? I'll never really know, only
that the closeness that we shared went beyond that of best friends,
although I cannot really put it into words I would say that she was the
most important part of me. I loved her dearly and sincerely, and for
those last handful months before the end it happened that I also fell in
love with her.
Shouko never needed to be told of my emotions to know them, just as I
never needed to be told that she in turn had fallen for Kazuki-kun, we
both just knew and accepted things as they were. She never blamed me nor
treated me differently for the feelings I held, and I would always have
been the person rooting for her happiness, no matter whom she found it
with.
When she gave her life to protect us all, I couldn't bear it. I thought
I couldn't live without her, and the pain was so beyond anything I could
begin to describe... but I realised also that I could not let her down,
that I had to be as strong as I could be, do what I could do, in her
memory. So I tried to keep our little group together, to watch over the
boys that she had loved and that had loved her, in her place.
Yes, so very much of all I did since her death was because of Shouko. I
would have fought to the very last breath for any one of them even
without having lost her first, but now I felt the need, the obligation,
to do it for both of us. And whether ultimately I succeeded or failed, I
tried.
How it burned me when I was told that I was too defective to become a
pilot, when I had to helplessly sit by the sidelines unable to help as
people I cared about where out there, fighting for far more than their
lives against such horror. The others wanted away from the horror and
the battlefield, it seemed I alone desperately wished to be allowed in.
To make matters even worse, it was while rescuing myself and my senpai,
Mizoguchi-kun, that Kasugai-kun was... lost. Sakura's brave effort saved
him from complete assimilation into the Festum he had fought, but what
we managed to bring back to Alvis was no longer human. We agreed all
though not with words, that this was a fate much worse than death as we
watched what remained of him locked away in stasis for my mother to
examine.
Should I have been bitter, later when it became apparent to us that
although no longer human, Kasugai-kun was still alive, still enough
himself to love and grieve and protect? Should I have regretted that out
of those of us faced with assimilation or death, Shouko alone had the
courage to self-destruct, yet of those that had faced that choice Shouko
alone could not ever return? Perhaps aunt Youko wrestled with those
thoughts as well, although I would not bring up such a painful subject.
If nothing else I like to think that in the end it all proved just what
true strength and courage Shouko had, even if she is missed.
There were others lost forever as well, of course, like Kodate-kun that
also lost his life in combat, and oh so many others before and since. I
imagine Shouko is anything but lonely, over there on the other side,
perhaps sparing a moment to watch over us from time to time. Perhaps, if
she does, she will be pleased to see that the island still stands and
hers and all the others' sacrifices were not for nothing.
Perhaps one day she will even forgive me.
After Kasugai-kun was placed in stasis, my sister's misguided attempt at
saving my life by changing my Fafner compatibility test results were
revealed with my father's return to the island. It became such a big,
and for me emotional, mess, the who, when and why of it all. Although I
might have wished that I could have held onto my few happy memories of
my father, rather than so thoroughly get exposed to the true heartless
creature that he was, I am still rather grateful that during all of this
I was given the chance to see my father one last time before he died. It
only shames me so painfully much that it was through him that the Festum
learned hate, and thus became so much more determined to see to the
destruction of everything in existence.
At the end of the day though, as the dust settled from our sadly human
enemies' departure, I was not only a Fafner pilot but the sniper ace as
well. By now it doesn't matter what kind of projectile weapon is placed
in my hands, or whether I am inside my Fafner or not; I cannot miss my
target. For all this strength and skill however, I failed Shouko.
I could not prevent Kodate-kun's death even though I was there. I could
do nothing for Sakura when the Assimilation Disease claimed her as well.
Although I tried so hard and fought so much, I could not prevent so many
lives that were lost on the island... and most of all, I could not stop
the Festum from taking Minashiro-kun. We all fought so insanely hard to
take him back, but although we might have won the day and saved humanity
– at least for now – we could not save him. That failure meant that I
could also not save the boy Shouko had loved, when Kazuki-kun finally
gave in to the Assimilation Disease in his yearning to be with the one
he loved again.
I understood and could not blame him, but that does not change the fact
that I failed.
In the wake of the mess with my father's brief return to the island and
the Neo UN attacking us, we were given unexpected additions to our
island in the abandoned enemy soldiers that chose to join us, and Fafner
pilots Kanon and Michio. Michio was something so extremely rare as one
of the sacrificial children that had survived long enough to return
home, now a young adult bordering on being too old to pilot a Fafner any
longer. As things turned out he was also my sister's long-lost love, his
return allowing them to pick back up what had been forcibly abandoned
years ago. They were determined to have a future, to beat the odds and
start a family once his fighting days were over.
Although it saddens me to know that they never had that chance, that
even that one returning sacrificial child lost his life protecting this
island, it also fills me and so many others with hope as Michio and my
sister did what had been impossible for descendants of Japan for decades
and created a child together. This child, this beautiful little niece of
mine, will never be a sacrificial lamb for whatever cause. The people of
Alvis have agreed on this, but even if they had not, I would do whatever
was necessary to make sure of it. This child will never be lost.
I doubt I need to worry much about my tiny niece's safety though. As
unexpected as it was, one of the most powerful creatures to currently
inhabit this island is well on her way of becoming little Michiru's
other parent. Any creature that would lay hand on this little girl would
surely have to answer to Sakura.
When my mother finally managed to inject Sakura with a strong enough
dose of the cure for the Assimilation Disease that it showed results,
Sakura was taken out of the stasis chamber she had been kept in and
woken up. With the exception of her eyes, once so dark and now the red
that marks Fafner use or the Assimilation Disease, she looked the same
as ever. She knew the people around her and responded emotionally to her
mother and her would-be boyfriend although she seemed understandably
subdued, and best of all although the island sensors declared her
readings those of a MIR rather than a human, she was not labelled a
threat. It became apparent rather quickly though that Sakura was not
quite the same person as before, she was far more restrained and serious
in ways my rambunctious tomboy of a friend had just never been before.
It was also apparent that she was not like Kasugai-kun whom had lost his
humanity, no matter how her personality seemed changed, and we were all
advised to give her time and opportunity to re-evaluate herself and her
relationships. From a personal point of view, she was still Sakura, just
noticeably calmer and quieter than before, and I had no problem
reconnecting to her as she now was. Neither had my family, our friends
or Sakura's mother, whom I suspect was far too grateful that not only
had her daughter been returned but also returned a lot less reckless
than before to be bothered by a pair of red eyes. Not so for Kondou-kun.
For the boy and fellow pilot that had tentatively begun the process of
getting romantically involved with Sakura before the Assimilation
Disease struck, the situation became too awkward. He could not make
peace with the changes in her, and she could not seem to muster much
interest for him, leading to a cooling of their friendship until they
were as mere casual acquaintances despite the fact that Sakura's mother
had taken Kondou-kun into her home.
Uncomfortable around this friend turned stranger and foster brother,
Sakura spent more and more time with my sister whom welcomed the
company. The two of them had been surprisingly good friends before, but
gradually this bond grew stronger, until they were all but inseparable.
Sakura doted on my sister, and once she was born, even more so with my
niece. Whether the two of them noticed it initially or not, it was clear
to us all that Sakura was head over heels for both mother and daughter,
and she and my sister had taken to a kind of semi-flirty semi-couple-y
behaviour that was only too cute to behold.
It wasn't until the true reason behind why Sakura no longer seemed able
to synchronise into the piloting system of the Fafners was revealed that
things came to a conclusion with her and my sister, as if Sakura had
known about the hidden change in her and been afraid of Yumiko's
reaction. Although I was present for what happened I was inside my
Fafner, located on a far away hilltop with a rifle aimed at my childhood
friend for the duration of it, and as such I never found out what was
actually said. I watched as my mother and sister spoke to Sakura at
length, until finally Sakura walked some distance away from the two of
them and... changed. I did not get to see Kasugai-kun's MIR form, but I
was told he was enormous and glowing blue. Sakura's new shape was
likewise enormous but glowing a pale purple, and as startlingly
beautiful as the Festum appears at first glance.
When Sakura changed back to her human shape, she was crying and hugging
herself. It didn't take Yumiko long to run over to Sakura and grab onto
her, wiping at her face as they appeared to be speaking. I rather think
my sister was as surprised as mother and I when in the midst of this
comforting she simply leaned in and gave Sakura a long, intense kiss.
Both women looked terribly embarrassed afterwards, not to mention that
my mother's teasing probably did not make things easier on them, but at
least they still walked hand in hand back to the lab. Days of testing
followed, but in time Sakura was declared stable enough, safe enough, to
join us Fafner pilots for combat training in her new form. My future
sister-in-law is powerful indeed, yet I think we are probably all rather
glad that she prefers not to use this shape when she can avoid it.
So. All around me people began to work for the future, to have hopes and
dreams for tomorrow after such a long time of merely trying to live out
the day. Whether or not the Festum truly are gone for good we cannot
know, but careful optimism began colouring life on this island from a
certain point on.
At times I think that I alone am looking to the past. Then again, I was
not supposed to survive this long.
My quirky friend and senpai Mizoguchi claims that I am carrying the
ghosts of comrades lost, and the weight of battles fought. He told me
this is the surviving soldier's lot, that the trick was to find
something in the now worth living for, something more than the fighting.
He considers me as seasoned a war veteran as himself now, who would have
thought that? I could see the truth in what he told me, but there was
something else as well that troubled me and that was something I
couldn't really talk to him about.
It was the other way in which I believed failed Shouko.
Shouko was my everything. I loved her long before I ever fell in love
with her, and she was a part of me. Although I am my own woman now, a
change forced upon me by necessity, there is a part of me where she will
always be, and no-one could ever take her place. Or so I thought.
There is a person whose arrival at the island I paid not nearly enough
attention to at first, although by the time I found out where and with
whom she had been assigned, I set out to correct that mistake.
Kanon Memphis. Dublin-born former Fafner-pilot for the enemy, lost her
family, her friends and her country all to the Festum before Michio
saved her. The perfect soldier really, skilled at what she does and
blindly obedient, or at least she was until events stranded her here on
this island. Gaining her own will and finding the strength to make her
own decisions have been a slow but successful process with her, although
it is hard work to get her to step outside her soldier persona.
Beautiful Kanon of blood-red hair, serious blue eyes, and possibly the
cutest lost-puppy look known to mankind.
I am ashamed to say that my initial reaction to hearing where and with
whom Kanon had been placed was to question, quietly agonized, if aunt
Youko had given her Shouko's room to stay in. I should have known
better, after all I loved the woman all the more for her adamant refusal
to accept any new sacrificial child to raise, for how she had told my
mother and the others that there would never be any replacement for her
one and only beloved daughter, for her Shouko. Few if any of the other
parents would have been that determined or devoted.
Kanon was not Shouko's replacement, but the decision to house the girl
with Youko had been taken by our superiors without input from Youko
herself. I know though that once aunt Youko heard the heartbreaking
story of this orphan child, she could not help but to open both her home
and her heart to Kanon. It was something they had in common, Shouko and
her mother, that caring kindness.
I felt guilty for my assumption when Kanon hastened to assure me that
she had not been given Shouko's room, and I promised myself to do better
towards her from then on. My next meeting with Kanon further broke my
heart though, as I caught a glimpse of her in the background and mistook
her for Shouko herself.
Youko had given Kanon Shouko's clothes, only the many unused ones that
Shouko had not gotten the chance to wear herself, but still, the cut of
the dresses and the choice of summer hats... they were so Shouko to me
it drove a knife into my heart.
I tried my best not to let it show, and with Sakura's help I got Kanon
to join us, not only that day but for many other small get-togethers
that we arranged in between battles and training as well. Most of us
took a liking to Kanon as soon as we started to get to know her. She is
quite the contradiction, on one side so tomboyish as to put the boys to
shame, blunt to the point of rude without meaning to, and terribly
capable, still the other side of her is quite feminine, fragile, shy and
unsure, desperately wanting friends and a mother's affection. She was
not a replacement for Shouko, and Youko might have declared that Shouko
was her only daughter at one time, but it could not be helped. The
childless mother with boundless love to give bonded with the orphaned
child that desperately needed someone to love her, and before Youko knew
it, she had a shy but devoted second daughter. She could not help but to
love this child as well.
It frightened me to find that I also did.
It crept up on me unnoticed in all that was going on, how I enjoyed her
company and given half a chance, and no other duties to perform, I would
seek her out. I thought I came by the house simply to help Kanon settle
in on the island, because it was the right thing to do, but although
that might have been true to begin with it wasn't the reason later on. I
just liked her.
The awareness hit me suddenly one morning that should have been quite
mundane: I had come to pick Kanon up to walk to school with her, and I
moved through the house with my usual familiarity having practically
grown up there myself. Youko peeked out from the kitchen to smile at me
in greeting, making a funny but very familiar little gesture to show me
where Kanon was as she chatted away about school.
The familiarity of that scene hit me so hard my legs buckled. How many
mornings had been exactly the same, only it had not been Kanon I was
there to pick up, but Shouko?
It was not just the surroundings, the scene that was the same I
realized, that kernel of happy and contented warmth in me was the same
as well. Kanon came in and my heart jumped in response... and I, who
have seen so much battle, bloodshed and death while keeping my
composure, I burst into tears.
Aunt Youko sent the worried Kanon out to tend the dog while she sat down
and held me until the tears had passed. She was so understanding, aunt
Youko, and talked to me for a long time about how caring for Kanon did
not mean that we loved Shouko any less, and how she was sure that Shouko
would have loved her little sister as well. It did not solve what was
brewing in me, but that talk calmed me enough to get my composure back
around Kanon. And I know she was right, Shouko would surely have adored
Kanon.
As we made our way down the hill, late but still determined to get to
school, Kanon was quite pensive. For her being rather subdued was and is
not particularly out of the ordinary, but when alone with me she tends
to be quite a bit more talkative, and the glances she sent my way during
our walk spoke volumes all by themselves. I could not in good conscience
pretend I did not notice, so I stopped and intended to explain myself.
Kanon not only beat me to it, but she had quite an outpouring as well.
She looked so sad when she told me how she knew she wasn't Shouko, that
she couldn't replace her and how she knew I wished Shouko was here
instead. With shiny, averted eyes and a slightly trembling pout she told
me that if I wanted her to, if it was easier for me that way, she would
go away.
I am only a mortal woman after all, so I could not help but to pounce on
her. I hugged her as hard as I dared while my mouth was running free
without any input of my brain as I tried to find the words to reassure
her. I wanted her to know beyond any doubt that although I missed Shouko
and would still need to cry over her on rare occasion, Kanon herself was
also dear and irreplaceable to me. Even as I spoke I realized just how
true that was, and hugged her tighter – I could not bear the thought of
losing Kanon now.
She hugged me back, and the hug was like her: strong, compact, warm...
and so very comfortable. Something in me wistfully thought of Shouko,
the friendly hugs we'd share, and how small and fragile she had been to
hold. It had been like holding a baby bird, always checking oneself so
that nothing got broken. Hugging Kanon was nothing like that, she was
still feminine and soft, true, but she was also solid rippling muscle,
she would not break no matter how much I clung to her; she only hugged
back stronger still.
It was a good metaphor for these two, I realized then, on the outside
Shouko was weak and fragile, yet inside she was fearless, the strongest
one of all of us, while in Kanon's case it was the reverse. On the
outside Kanon was strong and solid, but inside was a fragile, confused
and hurting girl that could easily be wounded by careless words.
I kissed her then, right there on the road down the hill, I leaned in
and pressed my lips to hers without any conscious thought. It lasted
only for the briefest of moments as voices were calling for us, and the
shock when I realised what I had done nearly sent me careening over the
handrail. Fortunately for me we were whisked away to the command centre
before either of us had the chance to react, and were pushed through the
swiftest and shortest of briefings before rushed to our Fafners and put
on combat standby.
To my relief it was not a Festum attack that had things in an uproar,
although the sudden arrival of Neo UN's battleships on a fast approach
to our island was not much better. What followed was a tense week of
constant and vigilant duty as our former enemies of the human kind were
present at the island to draw up a peace treaty. At the end of the week
these visitors returned from where they had come, the relations between
the Neo UN and our island no less strained than before and certainly no
friendlier, but at least the treaties had been agreed upon and signed.
For weeks after this I avoided being alone with Kanon, giving us no
chance to talk about what I had done, before I finally caved in. I had
to face up to the fact that for me history had repeated itself, I had
made a best friend and then fallen utterly in love with her. Unlike the
case with Shouko, I was not completely certain that my chances were
absolute nil, although every time my thoughts strayed that far the guilt
would overwhelm me and keep me from speculating further.
Guilt was my biggest problem. I felt that I was betraying Shouko with
these feelings I had for Kanon, and the guilt of that was eating away at
me. I could not say how obvious what was going on with me truly was to
my surroundings at the time, just that eventually aunt Youko asked me to
take a walk with her.
It was a long walk in more senses than one, and we both said a lot of
things we can't really say to anyone else, about love and loss and...
Shouko. She knew what was troubling me, perhaps even better than I did,
and was so very supportive and understanding. It hit me again, that old
gratitude that someone this good, this caring, was the parent of the one
so dear to me. Only this time my thoughts were of Kanon.
Aunt Youko talked sense into me. She made me see that my guilt was
misplaced, that the Shouko we had both loved so would never hold our
feelings for Kanon against us. If anything Shouko would have been happy
for me if I could find someone that made me happy.
Our walk ended by her grave which we tended to together, sharing a few
memories of Shouko as a little girl. I felt better than I had in a long
time. It was there I made the conscious decision to let Shouko go,
whether Kanon really felt anything for me or not. I sent my thoughts
like a prayer to her, asking her to please forgive me and be happy for
me, then I hugged aunt Youko, thanking her for everything. Aunt Youko
smiled and told me to go ahead, she would stay a while longer before
heading back.
I turned around and I ran as if my life depended on it, stopping only
briefly to buy a flower before setting off running again. I ran all the
way up the hill to the Hazama family home and, before I had taken the
time to catch my breath much less thought about what to say or do,
knocked on the door.
She was there, standing just inside the door wearing those cute blue
overalls and looking confused at first, then adorably shy as she
accepted the flower I offered along with a rambling and slightly panting
apology. The slow smile she gave me in return reached in and claimed me
whole right there. I hoped that Shouko would indeed give me her blessing
from wherever she was, because when Kanon reached out to take my hand
and lead me inside while smiling like that, I knew that I was going to
love Kanon with everything I had.
Despite what one might have thought, ours was a slow romance. We took
the time to do things right, partly because despite my determination it
took time to lay my guilt-demons to rest, but mostly because she
deserved to take her time. I never regretted a single moment spent in
her company and I never will, come what may.
I still do not look to the future, although surprisingly sometimes she
does. She wonders if the two of us could get qualified for children one
day, after we have married and live together. She blushes prettily as
she says these things while we are wrapped in each other's arms, her
skin so warm and perfect against mine. I am not the only one who has
found life and meaning outside of the fighting in what we have, and with
this she has discovered that she wants us to have our own family
someday.
It is a pleasant thought, and perhaps it will be so one day. I leave the
plans to her, simply happy to be in the now, anchored here by her. In
this future she and others now envision, the future that is slowly being
built, maybe there will be no sacrificial children. No children born
simply to endure such horror and pain in their short lives, and then
die. Maybe my generation can truly be the last of this island's lost
children.
I hope so. And as for me? I breathe her in, run my fingers through her
hair and marvel at the emotions that fill me.
I am here. I am alive. And I am no longer lost.
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