Paula & Jewel's ShounenAi Undertaking
One hundred fifty years before Cleo, Sonya, Chris, Yun, Millie, Meg, or
anyone else ever started any kind of wacky quest, two wonderful young
women began a movement that would forever shape the foundation of the
Suikoden world. There was no great fame to their person, no reward for
their outstanding precedent, and generations afterwards would soon
forget what they had done—but to do it first and best was reward enough.
The women in question were the energetic Jewel and the noble Paula,
sisters-in-arms in Razril and Na-Nal, both destined to work together for
this single purpose.
Unfortunately, they started the wrong movement.
...Not that there's anything wrong with it!
............
"Shounen-ai!" exclaimed Jewel one seemingly-ordinary day (and now we all
know it will deviate completely!). Paula, the only other one in the room
with her (by sheer, staggering coincidence), was taken by surprise.
Jewel could be a little energetic at times, but never—well, not
usually—had she ever uttered such nonsense at such times. It begged for
inquiry, and the steady mind and hand of Paula was perfectly suited.
"What?" And sometimes, brevity was the soul of... something or other.
"Don't tell me it's never been an observable occurrence," said Jewel,
almost playfully. "You've certainly seen events here on this ship that
would lead you to make such conclusions."
"Forgive me, Jewel, but I don't know what you mean." That was not
ignorance feigned, but it was also not not curiosity. Or whatever.
"I'm talking about the boys here!" she said. "Like Sigurd and Hervey!
You ever notice how they're always together?"
"Yes, their job requires it."
"Suuuuuuuure!" she sang. "They're required to be together! I get'cha!
And let's not forget Tal and Keneth!"
"They work together too, with us," reasoned the elf. Jewel just
continued smiling.
"And what about our dear companions, Hero and Snowe? And Axel and
Jeremy! Rakgi and Basil! Yu and Trishtan! Ted and Aldo! Reinbach and
Charlemagne! Need I go on?"
"No, you don't," answered Paula very honestly. "And I still do not
understand what you're getting at."
"Man-love, my friend!" she exclaimed. "It's what the people call
man-love! Yaoi, in Elvin terms; shounen-ai in Harmonian! Come on! You
know!"
"I honestly think it would not benefit me to know," said Paula
thoughtfully. Her friend ignored her and stood up, dominating the room
with her bursts of spirit.
"Like I said, there are examples all over this boat, right? So many, in
fact, that it could very well lead up to its own fan club! But in order
for anything to prosper, it needs to grow—and who better than the people
who appreciate it to fan its flames! Paula, I'm talking about a support
group—a yaoi support group, with women in it!"
"I... see," she managed. "But would it not make more sense to have the
men you mentioned leading it?"
"No!" sang the human. "See, that's the beauty! Women would appreciate it
more, right? And I bet we can have more girls in favor of our movement
than anyone else! Okay, look: you and I are gonna start this movement,
and we'll go around this entire ship looking for people who'd like to
join us. By the end of... oh, I don't know, this week maybe, we'll have
enough of a group to start a legitimate fan club and be heard across the
sea! They may even start something like this in the Scarlet Moon
Empire!"
A pause permeated the room as Paula considered the very subtle irony of
it all.
"Jewel?"
"Yeah?"
"I think... you have been out in the sun too long. Why involve me? I'm
not interested."
"Paula, I need you." Jewel sat back down, where Paula had been all that
time, and took her hands in a very non-yuri movement. "I need a woman I
know and trust in this endeavor, and you're the only one that fits that
description."
"What of lady Katarina?"
"Oh, she had a thing for Commander Glen and you know it!"
"Actually—"
"It's just us in this endeavor!" interrupted Jewel. "Just you and me,
girl! So come on! Whaddya say?"
"Do I have a choice?" sighed the elf, posing a question and an answer
simultaneously. Jewel completely ignored the statement and dragged her
friend away, out of the room and towards the heart of the ship. Their
first stop, they figured, was to nip things in the bud and target girls
at their youngest... and there was one place on the ship where young
ladies converged the most: right in the game room, second deck.
Unbeknownst to Paula or Jewel, the title of their adventurous tale was
about to change...
Rita, Noah, and Rene's Outrageous Shoujo-Ai Quest
By Al Kristopher
"I have a question—a matter of curiosity and some importance."
"Okay," said Rita to Rene's words, "but why the formality?"
"This is formal?" she questioned. "I'm just describing the character of
the question."
"Go ahead, Rene!" squeaked Noah. The treasure-hunter nodded and posed
her query.
"Well, how much do you think people would like me if, for this year's
Winter Festivities, I sent everyone a great big fruit basket with coffee
mugs saying 'Rene Rules' on them?" A pause.
"Less."
"More.
"Less!
"More!"
"Less!"
"More!"
"You know, that's funny," murmured Rene to herself, "because I did
something similar for Universal Lover's Day recently: I had these
disgustingly large, gargantuan baskets just ludicrously overloaded with
stuff that I gave out, and I didn't get thank-you card one for them!"
"See!" sang Noah smarmily. "Less!" Rita snorted.
"Bah." Rene scratched her head and Rita pouted, leaving Noah to smile.
Just then, Jewel and Paula came up to them from the stairs, looking
rather happy and eager.
"Excuse me, girls?" addressed Jewel. "Might we have a moment of your
time?"
"Sure! What's up?" Jewel stood before the girls, happy and smiling and
ready to make a sale.
"Well, Paula and I were talking, and we think that it's time for a
change."
"Actually," interrupted the elf, "I do not believe we agreed on that."
"Right, right. Anyway, we're starting a new club called 'Yaoi
Appreciation', or 'Shounen-Ai Love', or 'Girls who like guys who like
guys like they're girls'. We still don't have a title, but we're working
on it." A pause.
"Umm, yeah."
"Anyway," blurted Jewel, "we wanted to see if we could recruit some more
women for our cause. Naturally, we believe that all women deep down want
to see two beautiful men being beautiful together, so where better to
start than here!" The young trio looked at each other awkwardly for a
time, not really sure how to respond. Noah, perhaps the more outgoing,
squeaked up first.
"Um, well, I think you've came to the wrong place, guys. It's not like
we wouldn't want to help you... we just... don't think that way."
"Why is that?" asked Paula placidly, as if she were hoping for that
response.
"Well..."
"What Noah is trying to say is..." said Rita, trailing off for a second,
"well... we're not into that sort of thing."
"Oh!" Paula smiled (leaving Jewel to express the opposite), and clasped
her hands together in joy. "So are we addressing young ladies who seek
preference in the classical, tried-and-true, reliable male-female
pairs?"
"Nnnnn... nnnno."
"Oh?"
"Then what's left!" wondered Jewel. Even Rita shied away from an answer,
and Noah just kicked the floor as she hung her head. Rene, the least
outgoing, realized she would have to answer in their stead. Great.
"We like... each other. That is... Rita and Noah are more than just best
friends to me."
"Uh, yeah! We like, like each other, ya know?"
"And that's the whole truth!" squeaked Noah happily. Paula looked only
slightly disappointed; Jewel looked like she had just been informed that
stewed rat was on menu for supper.
"You mean you're..."
"NO!"
"Whoa! Okay... then what?"
"We're not in the actor's guild!" blurted Noah. "So don't think for a
minute that you can call us thespians! It's a dirty, shameful word, and
it makes us shiver just thinking about it!" To demonstrate, all three
girls shuddered in disgust, leaving both older women pondering.
"Um... we weren't going to call you thespians. We were..." (And now, of
course, the knights realized that they had a Cool Hand Luke situation,
and nearly laughed.)
"I think there has been a failure to communicate," said Paula quietly.
"We did not mean to call you amateur actresses. We just believed, from
what you told us, that you were... oh, um... how should we put this
best, Jewel?"
"Sapphic Students," said Louise from the bar—rather deadpan, at that.
The knights became flush.
"Ah, yes, that will do."
"But we don't have this Sapphic person as a teacher," said Rene
innocently. Paula and Jewel exchanged bewildered looks.
"Um..."
"My friend," said Paula quickly, "I do not think our, err, crusade will
find much advancement here. Let us leave these nice, cooperative young
ladies in peace and search elsewhere."
"Uh, yeah," she managed, "good idea." Stiffly, the older knights left
the three mischief-making girls to themselves, and acted upon their
word. Noah scratched her head in confusion.
"What was that all about? It made me dizzy!"
"Yes... and who do you suppose this Sapphic is?"
"A teacher, no doubt," answered Rita. "But what would they teach?" The
girls shrugged and resumed their games, and Louise shook her head.
............
"What a bust!" exclaimed Jewel in aggravation. "I can't believe we ran
into three les—uh, potential you-know-whats on our first try!"
"Let us try to stay calm," reasoned Paula, though she hoped her
companion would quit her search. "Those three girls probably did not
mean what you think they meant. I am sure they will mature and their
ideas will change in time. We should probably look into an older crowd
anyway."
"Yeah... you're right," said a more optimistic Jewel. "You're right,
Paula! We can't give up before we've even started! Surely a more mature
person would appreciate what we're doing! But where do you think we
should look next?"
"I think we should seek whomever on this ship is most likely to agree
with us," reasoned the elf. "I can personally omit lady Flare, as well
as those we just spoke to—perhaps miss Mizuki might..."
"Oh yeah! Akaghi and somebody else... wow, that'd be so hot!" Jewel
nearly drooled as her eyes sparkled, and together they (or "she",
really, since Paula was dragged away again) ran towards the upper deck
in search of the devoted ninja, who they happened to see quite often.
However, when they finally got all the way there, a surprise awaited
them...
The deck was bathed in beautiful blue and white, with glorious wooden
brown below to give the world a contrasting yet welcome visual flavor.
As Jewel and Paula emerged from the inside of the Obel ship, they
spotted Ramada and Akaghi talking quietly—but no Mizuki. Their leader
Hero was taking a break from exploration and fighting and had not asked
the ninja to accompany him anywhere, and she rarely left the deck
anyway, so...
"Jewel," said Paula urgently, "I believe I found her."
"Where?"
"The crow's nest," she pointed, using her Elvin vision. "However, I do
not think you will like what you see."
"Nonsense," she said, and the knight was off to Nico's post to borrow
his looking-glass. When she came back, she extended it and peered up on
high, and cackled in triumph as she spotted the blue flash of Mizuki's
apparel. Her face turned pale, however, as a very familiar flash of red
also crossed her vision.
"What the...? Hey, isn't that—?"
"Yes, it is," answered Paula quietly.
"Then... our adventures must be renamed... again!"
"To what?" Jewel frowned and sighed.
Mizuki and Flare's Cool Shoujo-Ai Expedition
By Al Kristopher
"To that," she answered.
"Oh. Well, I suppose one cannot assume everything from a person. I
didn't believe lady Flare would support either motion, but apparently
that was incorrect. Yet to perform those actions with a person she
barely knows..."
"Mizuki handed her a letter," stated Jewel in deadpan—she was clearly
disappointed. "That's qualification enough."
"And you think they love each other based solely on that?"
"Mm-hmm. I've seen less feasible reasons elsewhere. I'm surprised we
didn't catch them in the act!"
"Then," said Paula shakily, "I suggest you do not direct that spyglass
towards the direction of the crow's nest again—at least not for a long
time."
"What!" Jewel did, of course, but luckily, an item of clothing fell
right over her face and the glass. She muffled out a cry and shook the
thing off, becoming flush as she realized it was Flare's outer red
jacket. And a sock.
"Oh, god! You've gotta be kidding me!"
"I told you not to look," sighed Paula. Jewel snorted and nearly threw
the spyglass to the ground in anger (Nico and Wendel would've been
enraged, of course).
"Jeez! What is this? What's going on here! I mean, those three girls I
can understand, kinda, but to pair up two perfect strangers on the basis
that one of them handed the other a letter?"
"It's deplorable," agreed Paula silently. "And I think we should move
on, unless you'd like more pieces of clothing to rain down." Of course,
as she said that, nearly everything that had once found a place on
Mizuki or Flare's body fell to the surface rather roughly, most of it
landing right on top of the aggravated Jewel. With unmentionables atop
her head and shoulders, she fumed and snorted. Paula calmly removed one
rather long stocking, grinned sheepishly, and guided her friend
elsewhere.
............
With a repulsive ding, Manu's elevation device dropped the lady knights
off on the third floor of the massive Obel ship. They stepped out amidst
the commerce section of the vessel, complete with kitchen, armory,
appraisal, rune and smith shop, and even the bath. Above the roar of
people in the large room, they could hear the systematic rhythm of
Adrienne's hammer striking iron and steel, and felt oddly at peace.
"Looks like we can take a break here," said a more relieved Jewel. "I'm
gonna go check out Funghi's diner and see if I can't grab a snack; you
scout out for potential partners."
"But..." Jewel was already away, of course, so with a sigh, the elf set
out on her own. She found herself wandering past Nobokov and Jeane,
stirred by the beat of hammer and anvil. For a person who was constantly
at the bellows, Adrienne had pretty thin arms, though her skin got
darker and darker each time she was close to the fires. Paula had to
wonder how she stood it, personally, but perhaps it was a love that
needed to be required. Or maybe she had something to prove...
"Sorry, it'll just be a little longer," said a voice before her. Paula
had been in a thoughtful daze and had not the time to see who spoke out
to her. It was Ameria, the well-dressed freelancer with a quick smile
and a cocky gaze. Nearly all the men in the ship fawned over her, and if
Jewel had been there, she would've tried to pass her idea onto the
redhead. Paula was actually glad of the peace and smiled.
"Ah, hello Ameria. Are you here to get your sword sharpened?"
"Sort of," said the mercenary casually, tipping her head to the side. Of
course, Ameria was almost always hanging around that area, probably to
get some part of herself prettier for the next encounter, whatever that
was. Her weapon seemed to get the most attention, of course.
"Adrienne must certainly perform well if you spend much of your time
here," said Paula in a friendly voice. "Is she truly such a good
crafter?"
"Oh, uh... it's more than that." Ameria smiled awkwardly and rested her
blade on her shoulder. Paula's ears twitched, meaning she saw something
of interest, and the elf had to wonder: if not for tempering of the
sword, then why was the redhead there?
"I suppose you and Adrienne are friends, then?" she guessed. Ameria
smiled.
"You could... say that. Actually, it's more like..."
Adrienne and Ameria's Spectacular Shoujo-Ai Spectacle
By Al Kristopher
"Oh!" exclaimed the elf in surprise. "I was unaware! I mean... I never
would have thought such a thing in all my life! So the two of you..."
"Yup," replied the human proudly, an artificial blush on her face.
Adrienne stood up just then, apparently finished or on break, and wiped
the sweat off her forehead. She grinned at Paula and nodded politely.
"Oh, hello. Sorry I didn't hear you. Are you here to get your weapon
forged?"
"No, but thank you for offering. I was just stopping by to say hello as
I waited for Jewel."
"Ah," said Ameria casually, "I see. I hear you two are looking for
people who like a certain something. Word gets around fast, especially
if you hear it from three certain girls." Paula's face turned dark
peach, as close to a blush as she ever got, and she smiled sheepishly.
"Oh my... we already have a reputation! Did they really tell you...?"
"Yeah," sighed Adrienne, hanging her arms over Ameria's shoulder. The
redhead playfully swatted her away, saying how such a hot, sweaty person
should never cling so close. Adrienne just laughed and suggested
something that Paula wished she could not have heard. Her face turned
even darker, and she took several steps backwards in hopes of at least
feigning politeness.
"Well, ah... I shall leave the two of you in peace," she managed. "I,
uh, am quite glad that you have... well, I am sure you know what I
mean."
"There you are!" came a familiar voice to the side. It was Jewel, and
she bore a wrapped bun for her friend. "These are the last ones, at
least for now. You want one?"
"Oh! Yes, thank you." Paula nibbled into her bun and convinced Jewel
(very effectively, since no "prospects" seemed to be around
yet—ironically) that they should leave and resume their search
elsewhere. Ameria and Adrienne waved farewell, and disappeared into the
baths soon after.
Taisuke loved his job.
............
"Are you sure you didn't find anybody in the third floor?"
"Believe me, I didn't." Jewel sighed and rested her bare arms behind her
head as she walked alongside her friend.
"Oh well... I guess it'd be kinda weird for Chadli, Funghi, Nobokov, or
Taisuke to be involved in man-love. Yeah, we can look elsewhere. Where
do you want to start? We've looked in the market and the game room, and
we've been to the deck as well. What's left?"
"The fourth floor would be next, logically," murmured Paula to herself.
She really didn't want to help Jewel all that much, since romance under
any condition was just something stored in the back of her mind; the
words just came out of her like that. Besides, the sooner her friend
found someone else to tag along with her, the sooner Paula was free.
"Ah, good idea! Let's go—and since we're on the third floor anyway, we
may as well walk. I don't like taking that elevator anyway. I mean, who
would ever want to get on that strange device anyway? Not me!"
"Agreed." Paula and Jewel descended to the lower area, seeing people
here and there walking. Paula believed that if anyone was suited for the
job, it would be Aldo. She liked the kindly archer, but even the most
naïve person (e.g., Viki) believed that he liked Ted as "more than a
friend". Ted just liked pie. The elf went to the archer; Jewel popped
into the mermaids' accessory shop to pick up some items before resuming
her quest.
She found it hard to tell the difference between Lilan, Lilen, Lilin,
Lilon, and Lilun. Even their names were difficult to pronounce; many
people just stressed the second syllable, emphasizing the single letter
that separated the sisters. Jewel addressed them as their colors:
yellow, purple, blue, green, and orange. Even then it was hard.
"Hello, Jewel!" addressed four of the five sisters in unison. Jewel
nearly shuddered. She liked the mermaid sisters, but it was just creepy
seeing and hearing all five of them act. Something about five mermaid
sisters with similar names made her uneasy.
"Uh, hello," she said politely. "Say, where's uh... yellow? I mean...
Lilen?"
"You must mean Lilan," said Lilin. It was honestly hard to tell which
sister the blonde mermaid was referring to, but Jewel tried. She nodded
her head since she couldn't see the yellow-tailed mermaid, the one
Shiramine accidentally caught, anywhere in the shop.
"She is out and away," said Lilun/orange. "She told us she had
activities with the window girl."
"You mean Natalie?"
"Correct. They are together, possibly talking. They may be outside, but
the window girl cannot swim and Lilan likes the water."
"Oh...... kay."
"Perhaps she bears preference towards where she was found," suggested
Lilon/green. "The fishermen are not around and so they will be in
privacy."
"I... see."
"Is there anything you need?" asked Lilen/purple. Jewel traded some
materials for the accessories she needed, and left with a farewell.
Slightly curious, she walked back up to the second floor and peered
through the rear dock, where Shiramine and Ugetsu usually were. She saw
Natalie and Lilan, as she expected—but her eyes bulged when she did. The
title changed, as well.
Natalie and Lilan's Mirthful Shoujo-Ai Venture
By Al Kristopher
"This is a revolting development," she muttered. Both the human and the
mermaid jerked around suddenly as they realized they were being watched.
"Oh! Ah... please excuse us! We did not realize another person was
here!"
"Forgive our intrusion, please," apologized Lilan, who could speak
better than she could write. Jewel's face was still red from what she
had seen. Apparently, it was difficult to believe, and odd. How strange
to come across the third set of... you-know-whats that very day! And
there wasn't even a legitimate reason for the two girls to be together,
either!
Well, they were both exceptionally cute and innocent...
"Gaah!" she screamed. "Bad thoughts, bad thoughts! Erm... see ya later!"
Jewel burst back into the boat, leaving poor Natalie and Lilan blushing
and confused.
"What do you suppose that was about?"
"I do not know, but I think we need a more private place. Perhaps it is
time I finally learn to swim."
"Oh!" exclaimed Lilan, whose face was turning red again. "Perhaps... I
could teach you?"
"Oh yes, that would be lovely!" sang Natalie happily. "Where shall we go
for the lesson?"
"Would you like to visit our island? We used to live there until..."
Lilan mumbled off, hanging her head in sadness, knowing full well why
her sisters left that place.
"Oh, but if it brings back bad memories, perhaps we should not—"
"But... I would really like to," murmured Lilan meekly, looking
incredibly cute. Natalie smiled and blushed, drew the girl into an
embrace, leaned forward...
"Cut to the next scene already!"
Whoa! Yeesh! Wow, scary! Okay, Jewel, keep your hair on...
............
"Any luck on your side?" asked Jewel once she reunited with Paula. The
elf shook her head.
"No. Aldo was, by surprising contrast, utterly against the whole thing.
It appears as if his caring of Ted is merely humane and by no means
should it be interpreted as anything else. It actually surprised me, to
be honest. I believed that a person with a greater reason for... that...
should stand a better chance of... coming together than two people who
have no justifiable reason."
"Yeah, tell me about it," sighed the human. "Oh, you'll never guess what
I saw, though."
"What?"
"Natalie and Lilan—the yellow one—they're a couple!"
"Oh!" gasped Paula, though considering what she had seen that day, it
was becoming difficult to shock her. "Are you certain?"
"Yeah! I saw them... together." Paula blushed.
"Oh my."
"Yeah. Well, I mean, it wasn't anything bad, but... it was definitely
'there'." The elf nodded her head, and decided to let her friend in on
the secret she had discovered.
"To tell you the truth, I saw some thing as well."
"What, more girls like that?" Paula confirmed it, but Jewel stated that
she would rather not know at all, if it could be helped. That spared
Paula having to tell the story, and Jewel the pain of hearing about
another one of "those".
"I need to take a break!" she sighed wearily. "You want to take a bath?
Maybe it'll clear our minds."
"That would be lovely," said Paula with a smile. The girls ascended back
up to the third floor and made their way through the entire marketplace,
just barely missing Ameria and Adrienne. The bath house was currently
full when they arrived, so Taisuke asked them to wait. They weren't
alone, though: Katarina was waiting with them in the women's changing
room, wearing a decent terry cloth robe and a placid expression.
"Good afternoon," she greeted. The younger knights greeted likewise, and
began small chatter. They had never shared very close quarters with
their commanding officer, so a shared bath would be odd, but not
unwelcome (just so long as no yuri undertones were involved). The girls
wisely omitted their crusade from their talk, choosing rather to speak
of Razril, Glen, the knights, and—initiated by Jewel—love interests.
Katarina's face turned colors as the topic came to her.
"Well... I would not know how to properly respond to that," she said
quietly. "If you mean that there is somebody I know of whom I may devote
my care towards, and who has also given similar treatment to myself,
then yes. But would one call it love? Would one call it anything,
really, beyond the level of care, and comfort, and companionship?"
"Soooo... what is it exactly, ma'am?" wondered Jewel. "And who's the
lucky guy? Come on, ma'am, you can be frank with us just this once. No
need to be shy!"
"Well..." began Katarina meekly, "it is... very difficult to say, of
course, which is why I do not know how to respond."
"Katarina." A deep, husky voice came from the bath house, and out
emerged the pirate lady Kika, also dressed in a modest robe. She had a
bottle of some gooey fluid in her hands and a faint, coy smile on her
face. "It's time, Katarina." She noticed the knights and nodded curtly;
they, for their part, were puzzled.
"Time, ma'am? Time for what?"
"Well..."
Kika and Katarina's Splendid Shoujo-Ai Presentation
By Al Kristopher
"NO WAY!" screamed Jewel. "You mean... you and Kika!"
"Well," whispered Paula delicately, "she did care for her when she
washed up on her island. I would assume that such an encounter would—"
"Don't even finish that sentence, Paula!" snapped Jewel. She turned to
her commanding officer, and in spite of their ranks, yelled, "I can't
believe this! Are you two really...?"
"Well," shrugged Kika, "somebody had to apply all that salve." Jewel
squealed in disgust, trying to cover her eyes and ears in hopes of
blocking out this latest development. Paula, poor sweet Paula, merely
hung her head.
"If that is the vice-commander's decision..."
"Oh, I've got a word of advice for you," said Kika as she helped
Katarina to her feet. "If you've got a bad constitution for this sort of
thing, it'd be best if you didn't take a bath. We're not the first
people like this to come in here, and we're not the last."
"Wh... what do you mean?" asked Jewel shakily. Kika, not nearly as shy
about the matter as her "acquaintance", pointed her thumb at the bath.
"Well, it's like this..."
Selma and Carrie's Super Shoujo-Ai Story
By Al Kristopher
"And that's what it's like."
"Selma and Carrie?" Jewel made a disgusted face and shook her head. "But
why? They have no reason whatsoever! They don't even speak to each other
in the main game!"
"They are aboard the same ship," replied Katarina quietly. "That is, I
believe, reason enough."
"This is ludicrous!" moaned poor Jewel (Paula had long ago given up on
saying anything, unless it was really, really important). "What's next!
......Oh wait, wait-wait-wait! Forget I said that! Forget I said that!"
Agnes and Tanya's Wonderful Shoujo-Ai Life
By Al Kristopher
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"At least this time, the title has some self-depreciating humor to it,"
murmured Paula. Jewel was out of control and nearly insane by that
point. She grabbed her Elvin friend and rushed her out of the bath as
fast as she could, but it still wasn't fast enough to avoid the oncoming
swarm of yuri. As they bolted up to the first floor to try and get some
sense and/or seek someone who was at least uninterested in shoujo-ai,
they stumbled across—
"NO! Don't say it!"
Gretchen, Millay, and Helga's Unusual Shoujo-Ai Tale
By Al Kristopher
Jewel screamed. Paula merely wiggled her ears.
"At least this one makes good sense, and I can genuinely see it
happening."
"PAULAAAAAA!" screamed the poor knight. "Whose side are you on!"
"Well," squeaked the poor elf helplessly, "I did believe once that
Gretchen had a thing for Hero, and I could've sworn that Millay became
attracted to master Reinbach soon after coming aboard..."
"That doesn't help us at all! We need women who like men! We need girls
who like guys who like guys like they're girls—just like our club name
says!"
"So is that our official club name?"
"Who cares! What does it matter? We just need some recruits—anyone! Did
you hear me, Obel? I said ANYONE!"
Snowe and Oskar's Ludicrous Shoujo-Ai Performance
By Al Kristopher
"NOW THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS! THEY'RE NOT EVEN WOMEN!"
"Although they are both very feminine," noted Paula. Poor Jewel, beaten
and oppressed by so much of what she didn't want or ask for, crumbled to
the ground and started to cry. Paula gave a sad sigh and knelt down to
comfort her friend. She brushed the tears aside and stroked her face,
holding her and humming softly until at last, it seemed, Jewel began to
come out of her funk. Paula smiled softly and asked if she was okay yet.
"Whew... thanks... Paula... I needed that. It's good to have a friend."
"I agree!" said the elf cheerfully. "And only a true friend would
accompany somebody on a mad quest that they themselves do not believe
in."
"So... you weren't for my idea?"
"Frankly, I am not great on romance," confessed the elf. "It is
something I believe I will just encounter later, without really trying.
But if I do need help, I shall come directly to you." Jewel sniffled and
smiled, and stood up with her friend's help. The sisters-in-arms
embraced happily, cementing their bonds further as knights and childhood
friends.
"Thanks, Paula."
"You are most welcome, Jewel. So... do you believe we should change the
title of this story? I think all this friendly intimacy constitutes
something." Jewel shrugged.
"Maybe. Oh, why not? I say, if you can't beat'em, join'em!" The two
girls smiled merrily, held each other closer, and...
Paula and Jewel's Awesome Shoujo-Ai Undertaking
By Al Kristopher
"This isn't so bad!" exclaimed Paula as she held her friend's hand and
walked through the ship. Jewel had to admit, being part of the shoujo-ai
movement was much easier than opposing it. Yes, that's right. There is
wisdom in assimilation. Do not resist. Do not bend against the tide.
Obey, and live. Rebel, and die.
"Did you say something?"
"No, not me..."
"Oh. You know, Paula, there's something that still bugs me. We looked
all over this ship, and all we found were les—erm, Sapphic students! I
just can't believe that we couldn't find anyone who was in support of
our mission!"
"That is just slightly strange," admitted Paula.
"What's strange?" asked Mitsuba, who just "happened" to be in the area,
eavesdropping. Both women feigned ignorance.
"Uh, nothing."
"No, really? I'm not ignorant, you know! C'mon, out with it!"
"Well... blah blah blah, yak yak yak, etc etc etc, so on and so forth,
and that's the whole story!"
"Wow! All that summed up into a babble of complete nonsense! Cool!"
"So do you understand?"
"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnope!" Jewel slammed her hand against her face, Paula
sighed in exasperation. Mitsuba just smiled.
"Then you could at least tell us where you stand," they said. Mitsuba
beamed enthusiastically and rocked on her feet, looking both cute and
annoying all at once.
"Well... I don't like yaoi... and it would be really weird if I was in
with the yuri crowd, wouldn't it?"
"Just tell us," sighed Jewel. Mitsuba grinned.
"Ummmm, nope!"
"Please, Mitsuba!" shrieked Jewel, shaking the young warrior hard.
"Please, for the love of everything holy, please tell me you're not gay!
You have no idea what we've been through! Just once, we want to meet
somebody who's not a you-know-what!"
"Whoa-whoa-whoa!"
"I think you are shaking her too hard," said a concerned Paula. Jewel
stopped the violence and stared intently at the young woman, who was
still disoriented. Mitsuba recovered eventually, though she had to
steady herself so as to not fall over.
"Please!" begged Jewel one last time. "Please tell me the truth! Are you
into women like everyone else on this ship?"
"Huh? No, no way!"
"Oh, thank goodness!" Jewel's sigh of relief was so great that it nearly
blew poor Mitsuba away. She just smiled awkwardly.
"Well gee, don't you guys pay attention? Not even a bit? You know I
don't like girls! What made you think that?"
"It... is a very long, sad story," managed Paula. Mitsuba's crooked
smile turned lopsided again.
"Oh. Well gosh... I thought you all'd know! Jeremy proposed to me
recently! We're gonna get married! Didn't you know?" She smiled
brightly, leaving the two knights in bewilderment. Together, they turned
to face each other, and in unison, screamed.
"AAAAAAHHHH!"
The End!
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