Millie & Meg's Radical ShoujoAi Experience
I know what you're thinking. Two doesn't come after three (sequel-wise).
Why make a sequel to a story that involves characters from a game that
comes right after the setting of the very sequel itself? Why make these
characters blissfully self-aware about all of them, even though most are
in foreign lands or not even born yet? The solution is simple.
But you'll never learn what it is. Ha ha.
It was one of those days where it seemed everybody in North Window
Castle had nothing to do. As odd as it sounded, what with all the means
of entertainment and the cluster of characters as different as clouds in
the sky, one would think that they'd have something better to
do-anything, really. But no, no, nothing was going on-or rather, if
something were going on, it would be so unworthy of notice that
outsiders would brush it aside and inquire when the next activity of
significance took place. Those Nothings were what made North Window
Castle so difficult to live in: when people got into Nothing,
particularly two girls of outstanding character (and that is telling it
gently), the things that happened during and afterwards constituted
insanity. Literal insanity. The local asylum saw business booming.
Boom. ...(cough)
Upon one of those days, Millie and Meg (and Bonaparte), the two
mischievous pixies mentioned not long ago (see above paragraph), decided
to make something remarkable out of their Nothing time. North Window was
about as interesting as cold mud, and tourism would spike downwards if
things and steps were not taken (Hoi was later heard crying, "Hey!
Somebody's taken my things and steps!" and ironically called the police,
who arrested him). As in most shoujo magazines and programs, it was up
to two adorable young girls with special powers to save the day.
"Hi Millie!" addressed Meg.
"Hi Meg!" addressed Millie, and the plot thickened. "What'cha doin'
today?" was the next question asked.
"Oh, you know. Fixing Gadget and stuff. Oh! I took a bath and found a
hamburger!" Now you must understand, with such a dull air being
breathed, it was very difficult finding things to get excited about.
Millie gasped and wished she had been through such adventures.
"Did it have ketchup?"
"Yeah! Oh, wait-were you talking about the bath or the burger?"
"Um... both."
"Me too!" laughed Meg, but the scary thing was that she was serious.
Millie laughed too, and then told Meg she was going on a walk with
Bonaparte, and it was then, right then, when the girls created their
mischief.
"Say, it's boring out here!" said Meg. "I mean, it's boring all over,
and in general: all the way through, ya know? It's getting to where
finding a burger is an event. We really need to do something to spice
things up."
"Oh! How about we put hot peppers in all the food?"
"Nah, did that last week."
"Oh. Ah! We could apply for tenure!"
"Two weeks ago."
"Darn." Millie frowned and was stumped. Surely, though the two girls had
caused every conceivable bit of trouble they could imagine, their minds
were not exhausted yet. Unfortunately (for everyone else in North Window
Castle), this was true, and their faces both shined with revelation. Of
course!
"Of course!" repeated Meg giddily.
"But the narrator said that..."
"Never mind! We have to promote rampant shoujo-ai activities!"
"Why? I thought that was already done, twice!"
"Ah, but isn't the third time the charm?" The Trickster had a point
there. Millie smiled broadly and thought it a lovely idea in spite of
the Damoclesean threat of kicking a horse when it was down. Promoting
hot girl-on-girl action was all fine and fair in the original game, when
few cared either way (although there was a powerful Alen and Grenseal
base), and in the third it was blindingly obvious, but who in their
right mind...
Oh. Perhaps that is not a good phrase to use, considering the stars of
this story.
"I think Riou and Jowy have had enough time in the spotlight!" said
Millie, even though Riou had spent more time with Eilie than he had with
anyone, even Nanami. "It's our turn now!"
"Right! We're the only reasonable couple that could ever pass as shoujo
love in this adventure, so we're obviously the only ones capable of
promoting its welfare, establishment, and growth!"
"(Ahem!)" came a loud cough from behind. Millie and Meg went "Eep!",
froze, and turned around to face Valeria and Anita. Their skills at
eavesdropping were laudable.
"The only reasonable one?" parroted Anita cattily. The younger girls
nearly turned blue.
"Uh, well..."
"People seem to like cute girls together... well, I mean, the
shoujo-shippers do..."
"Not that older women aren't appealing!" blurted Meg suddenly, saving
her friend.
"Yeah! It's just that... we're more expected to do this job!"
"And you two seem to fight a lot. We're very good friends."
"Yes. The best."
"But you're forgetting the rule," said Valeria dustily. She then
recited: "One of the chief rules of romance is that, quote, ‘If any two
characters appear to have some distaste or lengthened disagreement
towards each other, they are automatically considered able for
relationship status, in spite of any previous engagement, endeavor, or
vow'. Now, are you girls going to tell me that everything we know about
that rule is wrong?"
Millie and Meg couldn't answer at first. They stood there, frozen and
mute, knowing full well that the older swordfighters had a point.
"Um, yes?" squeaked Meg. Valeria sighed.
"Look, we don't want to do this. Neither of us are like that. We
actually support the shounen-ai movement."
"Ack, enemies!" spat Millie. Bonaparte suddenly leaped forward, grew to
a gigantic size, and swallowed both of the women whole. He gulped them
down and squeaked back to his normal size, leaving Millie and Meg
astonished to a new degree. The dull day certainly was becoming very
postmodern in its drawl.
"That was... unique," managed the Trickster. Millie agreed.
"Yeah... Listen, let's just move on before our senses take over and tell
us to stop this silly game and start ogling Futch."
"You got it!" Meg let out a cheer and followed her companion (and
Bonaparte), since she was by far not one to heed her senses. Allowing
any logic into their activity would be just... stupid. And there'd also
be no story.
But since Bonaparte ate the only other people who could ever pass for a
shoujo-ai couple in Suikoden 2 (and still be considered reasonable),
their job ended up being very hard. Combined, the two could round off a
list of women with the potential, possibility, and remote
well-maybe-if-they-were-drunk-or-desperate-enough conceivability of
being listed as a card-carrying Communist. Erm, lesbian. Although in the
1950s, they may as well have been synonymous. Blame McCarthy and
Scooby-Doo.
Anyway, they decided to think like boys for once and... whoops. Start
over.
Anyway, they decided to think like boys for once and... you know, I'll
get it soon. Just gimme a second.
Anyway, they decided...
Screw it.
Millie and Meg consulted men of able body and mind to assist them in
their social venture, since they seemed best-trained in the art of
Sapphic appreciation and discovery, after the Sapphics themselves. Being
very feminine women who could only pass off as mildly tomboyish, they
could not hope to think as a man and thus, the consultation was the
closest thing they could get to. Besides, Richmond was as bored as they
were.
"So ya want me to find out who in this township could be, eh, on the
other side of the fence, eh?" he said, trying to do his best imitation
of Edward G. Robinson and Humphrey Bogard. He ended up sounding like
Carrot Top.
"No," replied Meg, "we just wanna know which of the girls in this castle
could be supporters for the shoujo-ai movement!" Richmond chuckled. He
knew that they were on the same track, they just used different trains.
He sucked on a cigar and flipped his coin.
"All right, I'll do it. I always work best when I'm paid up front, ya
know." Richmond grinned, but because Bonaparte looked very hungry that
moment, he decided to give the youngsters a discount price and scurried
off without haggling (thus waiving his right to tenure). Millie and Meg
shared a big Magical Girl smile, clasped hands, and jumped up and down
for a few seconds. Sheena would've loved it.
"Our movement will proceed as planned!" screamed Meg. "I mean... this is
so cool! We're gonna beat up those shounen-ai kings!"
"Whatever you said, I like it!" agreed Millie. They then forgot what
they were celebrating and decided to wander around aimlessly, thus
excusing themselves of appearances for the next few scenes.
Obviously, this is the part which switches to Richmond's investigations.
......No, you read this story because of Millie and Meg, or else you too
support the "movement", or you clicked the wrong story and meant to read
that one with Borus and Percival. See previous entry. YOU ARE READING A
SUIKODEN 2 STORY. Just checking; you never really know. Are we all
clear? I know this part's not funny at all; please bear with me as many
better jokes will come at you and not bother to wipe their feet before
entering. Bring yams.
Richmond completed his investigation the next day, and of course, Millie
and Meg forgot they had ever sent him on any assignment.
"We forgot we sent you on any assignment!" said Meg. Richmond showed her
proof of their contract and cited quotations he knew would incriminate
their blurry memory.
"If you'll clearly read this-"
HEY! WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU!
SLURP!
"Oh my god, Bonaparte ate Richmond!"
"You base turd!" Millie and Meg quickly got over their shock and
suddenly realized their whole purpose of being and/or the plot of the
week.
"Oh yeah! Our movement! It must not die! We shall overcome!"
"Here are Richmond's notes," said Millie quietly as she noticed said
dropped stack of papers. She picked them up and shared them with Meg,
who increased shoujo-ai activity in this story by 22 percent as she
leaned over her friend's shoulder. Millie blushed as she realized whose
chin rested upon her shrugging machine, and turned around awkwardly.
They stared at each other (34 percent if you're keeping count),
swallowed, stammered, and had a few good seconds of quiet. Forty
percent!
"Who's on the list?" asked Meg, ruining the moment. The percentages
crashed and crawled into a corner where they curled up into a fetal
position and whined themselves to sleep as the story returned to
business-as-usual. Millie cleared her throat.
"Well, Hannah and Oulan are suspected because they're very butch and
have a good chance of being completely dyke. Nanami and Wakaba are "cute
tomboys" who stand a good but not great chance; Jeane and Raura are
actually next in line after Valeria and Anita in terms of Sapphic
probability, and Emelia is on the list because a female NPC in Greenleaf
Academy is infatuated with her. Everyone else has only slight
possibilities, ranging from Ayda's primitive forest maiden status to
Eilie's severe lack of potential relationship with Riou. It says here
that both Tengaar and Yoshino could do better, Sierra could look ‘cute'
with another girl, Rina may be bi-curious, Annalee and Karen may still
be in the closet, Lorelai has ‘masculine tenure', and Viki..."
There was an understandable awkward silence.
"Complete impossible potential," they both groused at the same time.
Millie sighed.
"Let's face it. Viki is cuter than both of us but she would be awful in
any relationship. She has the brain of a starfish and the romance of
tree bark. The closest she ever got-"
"Was ‘accidentally' teleporting into the men's baths," finished Meg, who
had seen Viki's "mishaps" firsthand-many, many times. Millie raised
intrigued eyebrows. "Look," explained her friend, "Viki ported into the
men's bath in Toran Castle the most whenever Luc or Master McDohl were
there. One time she stayed a full five minutes in the tub, clothes on
and everything. Another she actually-"
"I don't think I wanna hear the end of this story!" shrieked Millie
helplessly. "Let's just get on with this investigation!" The girls
agreed on this, and since they seemed to have a good idea of who was "on
their side" and who was not, they set out to prove themselves correct.
Now it should not take a genius to figure out how well they fared.
I'll humor you anyway.
Now as it turned out, Richmond's investigations were rarely wrong, but
on the other hand, they were rarely accurate (if that makes any sense.
If it does, you are too smart to be reading this). Hannah was quite the
butch, but the way she handled children suggested she would make a great
mother, and her love of fine cuisine suggested a connoisseur's life-and
her sword was really not that big. It also turned out that many people
in the Nameless Lands dressed like her, women included, and in fact she
was the girliest one in her whole tribe. This last revelation was, of
course, more upsetting than it needed to be.
Oulan seemed a more reasonable choice. Men found her very sexy and a
little easier to talk to due to her being more open and inclined to
speak using more than monosyllabic sentences. Her trademark was being
the bodyguard of other women, which must've flashed flags for Richmond
as he performed his art. Yet unbelievable as it seemed, Oulan was more
straight than most of the married people in the castle, and casually
admitted to having "many fine moments together with lord strategist
Shu". This topped the "Hannah Discovery" in terms of unsettling news.
Nanami and Wakaba were in the divinely questionable area: the category
of people who could "swing either way if the wind tipped them hard
enough" (also, people who used quote marks when they really weren't
needed). One was indefatigably infatuated with Camus; the other had a
sharp like of cheese. And if those weren't pieces of credible evidence,
Millie and Meg could never dismiss the FACT that both martial artists
spoke of "liking male people" together more than "once". Then again,
they wore comfortable sandals, and they had tenure.
And as embarrassing as it was, as it turned out, Jeane and Raura really
were "just friends". Millie and Meg learned that the hard way.
Five minutes earlier...
"Jeane, are you and Raura friends?"
"Why, yes... we are."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, of course."
"Are you really sure?"
"Yes, I am."
"Are you really, really, really sure?"
"No doubts." That had settled it.
Now everything else involved murky territory. The remaining women were
listed as "possible, not certain" by Richmond, and since so many before
them expressed desires not to support the shoujo-ai movement (some had,
in fact, taken the opposite road, and proved delicious to a certain
groundhog), these "questionable ones" were the only hope left for our
heroines, at least until Suikoden 3 came along. Meg and Millie didn't
let disappointment or fatigue wear them down, and resolved their wills
to be even stronger as they pressed on. Also they kissed a few times to
keep your attention and to keep at least one little tiny percent from
running away.
"Me? Interested in women?" Emelia chuckled politely and removed her
glasses, somehow keeping her hotness in spite of it. She then blushed
and answered, "Of course."
"I knew it! There had to be somebody in North Window Castle! Odds
favored us!"
"But please don't get your hopes up," warned the librarian. "Remember,
the ratio of gay women vs. gay men in any industry is one for every
gazillion. This is most noteworthy in fan-fiction, anime, video games,
television, politics, sports...well, not sports, but you get the idea.
Anyway, I think I may be the only one you find, at least until the next
evil empire comes along to force 108 perfect strangers to live together
in the same place."
"(When she tells it like that,)" whispered Meg to Millie, "(she makes it
sound like a great potential reality television show!)"
"But you're right," resumed Emelia, "I have a taste for ladies. Why,
last week, I invited Leona, woman NPC 8, Teresa, and Oulan to my chamber
for bridge, tea, and underwear pillow fights."
"Really?"
"No," said Emelia in a laugh. "I'm just pulling your leg! Sorry. I'm
hopelessly attracted to Shu."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Meg and Millie screamed viciously, and at that
very same moment, Bonaparte leaped into the air, took a huge breath, and
swallowed Miss Emelia and the entire library. The two young girls stood
gaping as the little pet squeaked back to its mistress, looking no
bigger than before.
"Wow, how does he do that?" managed Meg. Millie shook her head.
"If I knew, do you think I'd be here!"
Eventually, the day winded down and their hunt became utterly fruitless.
Millie and Meg found to their unusual disbelief that every woman in
North Window Castle & Township was hopelessly straight and thought
nothing of the shoujo-ai movement, save its opposition. Whenever a girl
championed the notion of hot man-love, they were violently (and perhaps
ironically) sucked down by Bonaparte, leaving one less in the way. Now
Millie and Meg were extremely tolerant, and in their clearer, more sane
moments, they would have gushed over how good one young man would look
with another (i.e. Futch, Riou, Luc, Sasuke, Templeton, et. al.), but
Bonaparte was hungry and Machiavellian in his movement.
The ends (swallow beloved female character) justified the means (meal
plus no yaoi).
Really, at the end of the day, all the two magical girls had were each
other, Bonaparte, and a world that had yet to be swallowed by any of
them. Well... Teresa remained, but only because Lucia had taken an
unusual interest in her. In what could only foreshadow her
"relationship" with Chris Lightfellow 15 years and one video game later,
Teresa and Lucia became an unofficial couple and spent the rest of their
days (in the second game) convincing everyone. Ironically, the most
homosexual man in the whole game (Jowy) later became the father of the
most homosexual women's (that's Lucia) son, who in turn inherited his
parent's indecisiveness. But at least he had tenure.
"I guess we shouldn't have meddled into affairs that weren't ours,"
remarked Millie of their adventures. "I mean, after all, if somebody
wants to support something, they should-and they shouldn't let two
magical girls and their hungry sidekick influence their decision in any
way. So what if there's more yaoi than yuri? So what if girls are
virtually ignored, or worsened, in man-love fanfiction? So what if you
can't judge a lesbian just because she wears the skin of an animal or if
her glasses make her look hot? So what if two people who wanted to kill
each other five minutes ago are now having hot sex?"
Both of the girls moped and crumbled to the ground in defeat.
"It's no use pretending we don't care," sighed Meg. "Let's face it: the
shoujo-ai movement is dead."
"But at least we took down hundreds of innocent lives and ideals with
it," remarked Millie, keeping her optimism. It spread to Meg, who rose
with a jump.
"Yeah! We did! And ya know what? We still have each other, and as long
as there are two, the fight can go on!"
"Absolutely!" Millie stood to her feet through the help of her friend,
and embraced her lovingly as Bonaparte looked on. They smiled at each
other warmly, and since it only made sense to have intimacy in a story
like this, the two girls brought themselves towards each other, hugged
again, and went for the kill.
"Oooh, a hamburger!" Unfortunately, Meg bent down at the wrong time.
SMACK!
"Ow! I chipped my tooth!"
"Ow! You bumped right into my head!" Bonaparte suddenly had more than he
could take, and with a big huge gigantic gulp, he swallowed all of North
Window Castle, then the continent of Dunan, and finally ate the entire
world. Everything got sucked down into his bottomless throat until there
was nothing left for our beautiful heroines to stand on.
"Oh no!" shrieked Millie. "Bonaparte ate the entire universe!"
"Oh, Bonaparte!" laughed Meg. "You're always causing complete
destruction and cataclysm somehow! But we love you anyway!" The two
girls laughed very badly, leaving Bonaparte to grumble and wonder what
the heck they were talking about. All he ever wanted of the deal was a
sandwich. He didn't even get tenure.
And that's why this story came third.
Because if it came second, there'd be nothing for Chris and her friends
to work with.
If that makes any sense.
The End
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