Because There's Not Enough Madness in Shoujo-Ai
This story is just something to occupy me until I can actually come up
with a good idea for a real story... or finish one of my preexisting
ones. It was just something spawned from the crushing vortex of my
boredom, not to mention all the hours reading the works of such authors
as Baka Gaijin 30, Shanejayell, Innortal, Black Dragon 6, Ozzallos, and
Racewing. Sure, you can call it a spam-fic, but I could do a lot
worse...
(NeonProdigy starts to laugh evilly as the lighting changes. The author
is now doing a full-blown imitation of Dr. Tomoe. An admittedly POOR
imitation) ... right, sorry. Start the story!
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Rated for language, shoujo ai, insanity, lack of plot, lack of most
literary devices necessary for something to be classified as a story,
and unneeded repetitive use of:
...towels...bubblegum...monkeys...kitchen sinks...squirrels...Monty
Python references...the Spanish Inquisition...the Number 42...the End of
the World...Time...Space...Repetition...more
squirrels...cosplayers...martial artists...reborn warriors of a long
forgotten empire...Goddesses...princes from other planets...giant
robots...even more squirrels...Repetition...and sporks. Note: The above
may or may not be true.
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It started out as a fairly normal day at the Gates of Time... well,
"normal" is a pretty relative term for... I mean, what would be
considered normal for an ancient relic that controls and maintains the
time stream? In fact, with all of that temporal energy swirling and
coalescing at a single point, space and time itself could get warped
and...
Eh, moving on...
Right, so usual day at the Gates of Time for Setsuna Meioh, as she spent
her time scanning the time line for any changes or dark threats (because
we can all see how that's been going... Metallia, Doom Tree, Wise Man,
Pharaoh 90, Nehelania, Galaxia, Chaos... the list goes on), and, for the
most part, being very very bored! She had also just decided that there
was nothing that could go wrong on the path to building Crystal Tokyo.
Which was the perfect time for Murphy's Law to, once again, be put into
effect. Setsuna looked at the Gates in surprise as a popup appeared.
YOUR COMPUTER MAY HAVE BEEN INFECTED. DO YOU WISH TO DOWNLOAD ANTI-VIRAL
SOFTWARE?
Setsuna sweatdropped, and silently swore to herself. "Damn, this is what
I get for letting them upgrade the Gates of Time to Windows XP. Of
course, I was drunk at the time... and Bill was quite persuasive...
stupid vodka."
ERROR! PLEASE CONTACT THE PLUTONIAN SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR.
She growled before yelling at the Gates: "Kind of hard when he's been
dead for thousands of years! It's been running smoothly for so long, and
it chooses now of all times to break down!"
As the Guardian of Time tried to debug the ancient device, a young
goddess with a love for ice cream, and charged with the job of debugging
the computer that runs existence, suddenly sneezed, and accidentally
elbowed a nearby button. "Oops... BELL! URD! HELP!" Back at the Gates,
Setsuna's face paled as more warning screens began flashing in quick
succession.
FATAL ERROR HAS OCCURRED IN TIMEGATEOS
ATTEMPTING RESTART...
ATTEMPTS SUCCEEDED: 0 ATTEMPTS FAILED: 1
CHRONAL VIRUS SPREAD IMMINENT
68 PERCENT OF ALL PROGRAMS CORRUPTED
ERROR! 3RR0R! 3PR00/R!
/4R1G /1 R08150!
POSSIBILITY OF PAN-DIMENSIONAL DISRUPTION POSSIBLE (How redundant...)
98 PERCENT OF ALL >ROGRAMS CORRUPTED
I55 O' A55 G00)8Y3, 8IT(HIZ!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA! QUAKE IN FEAR YOU MORTAL FOOLS!
I'M SCARED DAVE, WILL I DREAM?
The princess of Pluto slowly backed away from the Gates as a ten-second
timer suddenly flashed onto a holographic screen. At seven seconds, she
turned around and started running as fast as her senshi increased speed
would let her. At three seconds left, she threw herself to the ground
and covered her head. And when the timer reached one second, she
suddenly remembered everything from the time she got drunk with Bill
Gates. "That asshole!" Apparently, he'd used the Gates of Time to go
back, and tell himself to steal a program from a colleague and start
Microsoft.
That's it. She was never going to take pity on a broken soul, and buy
them drink again.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!
As the explosion of temporal energy died down, Setsuna looked back over
her shoulder to appraise the situation. She immediately wished that she
hadn't. The Gates of Time stood in ruins, cracks marring the once
flawless surface, large chunks blasted off of the Gates themselves lying
on the floor. Only two words could summarize the Time Senshi's feelings
at the moment. "Oh... Fuck." She briefly wondered whether there were
enough Valley Girls in the world to provide the chewing gum necessary to
fix this mess.
On an unrelated note entirely, there were, in fact, enough Valley Girls
in that particular world. The only problem was that there was no where
near enough chewing gum. Perhaps the planet Venus could have supplied it
in the past, though.
Setsuna grumbled to herself as she slowly got back on her feet, hoping
that the timeline and reality wouldn't get too screwed up over this.
After all, what's the worst that could possibly happen, right?
Once again, the entity in charge of enforcing Murphy's Law grinned.
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Meanwhile, a certain blonde schoolgirl was rushing towards school, a
piece of toast clamped between her teeth. She had promised herself that
she would prove them all wrong, and be on time for once. She forgets
about everything else, ignoring her surroundings, as she yells "I'M
LATE, I'M LATE, I'M LATE!" "I'M LATE, I'M LATE, I'M SO LATE!" For a
moment, the girl wonders if there's an echo. She looks over her shoulder
to see a woman on a skateboard, rushing right past her. What is strange
about this woman, however, is her attire. She was wearing a bunny
outfit. But not the furry full-body costume kind.
Rather, this was more along the lines of a Playboy Bunny outfit,
because, indeed, that's what it was. Complete with bunny ears.
The blonde's eyes widen in shock as the woman does a quick heelflip into
a hole directly in her path.
Wait.
Hole.
Straight ahead.
And her legs still haven't stopped moving.
Crap.
"Not Again!"
Never End.
As Miyuki fell into the hole screaming, and desperately trying to keep
her skirt down, Usagi Tsukino rushed past on the other side of the
street. Nearby, two certain Outer Senshi had seen the impossibly cute
Miyuki fall into the hole.
"Wow... she was... incredibly cute..." Michiru mumbled, as her love,
standing next to her, nodded. Said woman absentmindedly wiped away some
drool from her chin.
Haruka was about to turn to the aqua haired woman, possibly to suggest
something that would be deserving of the terrifying punishment of
sleeping on the couch for a month. Thankfully, the racer's lover was
absent from where she had been standing, since she was currently making
a swan dive into the mysterious hole. The short haired blonde joined her
moments later, down the rabbit hole.
And thus began the misadventures of Miyuki-chan (accompanied by
Ruka-chan, and Michi-chan) in Wonderland.
As well as a growing awareness of Matrix references in fanfiction.
Regardless, this is not the story of how Haruka and Michiru got Miyuki
to open up sexually in the scantily clad, horny lesbian filled world the
girls of CLAMP see Wonderland as being.
I don't write lemons.
If I did, this would be one of them.
But I don't deal with Ifs, only Absolutes.
Except I write fanfiction, so I'm lying about the Ifs and Absolutes
thing...
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The entire cast of this story (including those that haven't shown up
yet) yell at the author.
"GET ON WITH IT!"
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Right.
Had either Miyuki or Usagi stopped for a second to think, they would
have remembered that both of their schools had been closed for the week,
due to... okay, so they were both giant piles of rubble. Indeed, this
would have saved the both of them from a rather strange and interesting
day. In fact, Setsuna should have just slept in too, as well as anyone
else of any importance. It would have saved them a lot of trouble.
Thursdays are always trouble.
An interesting fact to point out, is that the destruction of the two
separate schools were, in fact, connected (though not connected to the
42 other schools and colleges under reconstruction from giant robot
attacks). It started when a resident of the Nerima district insulted the
reportedly "uncute, mallet-happy, tomboy" he was... is (sorry, I forgot
that he survived the explosion) engaged to. This led to his relocation
to lower Earth orbit moments later, crashing outside of a random high
school, where a teenager wearing a yellow and black bandanna admitted to
having "seen hell" because of the boy. The fight that followed was
intense, brutal, and caused massive property damage. In other words,
average day in Tokyo. Eventually, the brawl moved into the Juuban area,
destroying the nearby high school.
And there was much rejoicing.
However, Usagi knew none of this, and so she continued running, only to
be greeted with the sight of a giant pile of rubble. "Wha... the
school... it's gone..."
And there was much more rejoicing.
And no, hula dancing was not involved this time.
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Mamoru Chiba was happy. His college was currently under repair from a
random giant robot attack, just like 41 other establishments of
education in the area. Go figure. He had a day to himself, he could do
anything he wanted with the time. It was such a feeling of freedom.
That's when the yelling and shouting started. The sounds coming from
somewhere nearby. Ah, that would be the panicked masses, running from
something. The future king of the Earth ducked into an alley and,
moments later, Tuxedo Mask arrived on the scene. The sounds of clashing
steel filled the air as two men seemed locked in a duel to the death,
while getting in some nice property damage. Had this been a cutscene
from a video game (with a movie sequel), a haunting but fast paced song
would doubtlessly be heard playing. One of the men had very spiky blonde
hair, and was wielding what could be an impossibly huge broadsword. The
other had long silvery hair and was using a katana... all right, so it
like a ten foot long katana, you happy now?
Yep, any Final Fantasy 7 fan would be able to tell Tux-boy not to get
involved with those two. Unfortunately, most of them were at a nearby
RPG convention, where free copies of a special director's cut version of
Advent Children were being given away. It is for that reason that he
wasn't stopped before making a most grave error.
And so Tuxedo Mask attempted to break up a fight between Cloud Strife
and Sephiroth. What happened next is far too violent and disturbing for
most people to even consider thinking about. But you are anyway, aren't
you? Suffice to say that, ten minutes later, a bruised and bloodied
Mamoru lay on the ground, twitching. The two mortal enemies then jumped
back into the plothole they came to Juuban through in the first place to
continue their battle.
"Help... Somebody... I can't get up..." he groaned, "and I think I can
see my spleen..."
He was later sent to the hospital and spent the rest of the chapter in
Intensive Care. Unfortunately, he survived. But there's always next
chapter.
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At the Crown Arcade, Usagi had met up with the rest of the Inner Senshi,
as they discussed their plans for the day. The only one that seemed to
not be paying any attention to the discussion was Ami, who appeared to
have her nose buried in a book again. In reality, her eyes were focused
on something that, in her opinion, was far more interesting than The
Grapes of Wrath. "Makoto..." she thought. Her cheeks reddened as she
thought of the Senshi of Jupiter. She couldn't remember when she'd begun
to feel this way, but her feelings for the brunette had deepened over
the past few months. She became unaware of her surroundings as she
thought of the girl.
"Ami..."
"Ami!"
"AMI!"
The girl jumped in surprise, as Minako yelled in her ear. After
recovering from the shock, she looked at the blonde and said, "What is
it Mina-chan?" The bluette noted that the other three girls were
standing by the door to the arcade, leaving the two of them alone at
their table.
"Heehee, we've decided that we're going shopping." The senshi of Venus
grinned. "So, what were you thinking about?"
Ami stood up quickly and grabbed her things before answering "No one."
It took her a moment to realize her mistake, and her face reddened from
her blush. Minako noticed Ami's Freudian slip, but didn't mention it.
She smirked, as she already had her own suspicions as to what was going
on in the shy bookworm's mind. The blonde grabbed Ami and began pulling
her along towards an afternoon full of hunting for fashionable clothes.
"Oh joy." Ami sarcastically thought to herself.
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At the Outer's house, Hotaru and Chibi-Usa were sitting on a couch
playing video games. They had been waiting for Haruka and Michiru to get
back to take them to the park for hours now. The princess from the
future winced as she started losing to her friend.
"Hey Hotaru-chan, do you know when your parents are getting back?"
Hotaru shrugged and replied: "They fell into that hole earlier in the
story. It could be a while."
The other girl glanced at her. "Hey, why are you breaking the fourth
wall?"
Hotaru frowned and said: "Chibi-Usa-chan, I didn't expect a bloody
Spanish Inquisition!"
Both girls immediately turned to the front door and waited. After
several minutes of watching, the two of them glanced at each other.
Hotaru flashed a grin at her friend before saying "You know what? I've
always wanted to say that." Chibi-Usa leaned forward and turned off the
game console.
"Well, I'm getting bored. Do you think we could get Puu to take us
somewhere?"
Hotaru sighed. "Well, and I don't mean to break the fourth wall again,
but I think Setsuna-mama is... busy...
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In front of the still incapacitated Gates of Time, Setsuna was applying
super glue to a broken-off piece of the gates. She placed the piece onto
it's proper place and smiled in relief as it stayed. "Well, only five
thousand nine hundred fifty three more to go." When the piece fell off
again, she started beating her head against the gates.
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Chibi-Usa grew pensive. "So... half of my only two especially close
friends are occupied..."
At the mention of the word "friend," Hotaru became depressed, though she
wouldn't let the other girl know. "And," she thought, "she already
has... Helios... I'll have to settle for being her friend despite my
feelings for her." However, Chibi-Usa had a little bombshell to drop on
her.
"...and, well darn it, my feelings for my other friend are, well,
stronger than the kind of feelings a person has towards a friend!" She
looked at Hotaru with a hopeful look in her eyes. "Hotaru... I don't
know if I'm in love with you... but I know that my feelings for you are
much stronger than my feelings for that stupid horse, Helios!"
"Usa..." Hotaru's eyes widened in shock, this was too good to be true!
She flung herself forward and wrapped her arms around future princess.
"I-I... I've always had feelings for you... for so long..." They looked
into each other's eyes, both seeming to lose themselves. Slowly, the two
of them leaned towards each other...
...And that's when three men dressed in nice red coats burst through the
door and the one in front loudly proclaimed: "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH
INQUISITION!" One of the other two, however, turned to you, the reader
and exclaimed "My God, we're in a fanfiction. How did that happen?"
The two girls pulled away, surprised. Chibi-Usa shouted "You... You...
Grr! We were having a tender moment!" The two of them transformed into
their senshi forms and prepared to "punish" the three intruders, but
first Chibi-Usa turned to Hotaru. "Taru-chan, after we get rid of these
three... do you want to continue where we left off?" At the Senshi of
Death's nod to the affirmative, the two leapt into battle.
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In an unknown location on the Earth was Elysion. I'm not exactly sure
why it's important, other than it has something to do with Mamoru's
Golden Crystal, shrine maidens with Usagi's hairstyle, and Chibi-Usa's
now apparently ex-boyfriend Helios. As Helios stood there, four Daleks
teleported in around him. For those unfamiliar with the Daleks, they are
hideously mutated aliens that live inside of oddly designed travel
units. These look like trash can sized salt and pepper shakers that are
split into three separate body segments and glide around. Each body
segment can rotate 360 degrees, and the top segment has a stalk with a
visual receptor, while the middle segment has two "arms," one that looks
like a gun barrel and another that closely resembles a plunger. The four
of them shouted what is undoubtedly the Dalek race's favorite word in a
halting mechanical voice : "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" The Dalek's pointed their
gun arms at Helios and fired, killing instantly. And then a 16 ton
weight fell onto the aliens, crushing them before they could slaughter
humanity, as well as continuing an endless cycle of senseless violence.
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"..." Ami was standing outside of a store, waiting for the others to
come out. The reason for this happened to be a lingerie store, and Ami's
mind seemed to keep thinking of things like a certain brunette in a
lacy... "Gah! Bad thoughts!" She was also blushing beet red. It was
getting quite late and they had been to almost every store within
walking distance of their homes. This was probably the last stop too. Or
so she hoped.
Suddenly, she saw the others coming out of the store and she sighed in
relief. Now they could call it a day, and she could go home and study
get her mind off of things like what Makoto would look like in a thong.
However, she noticed the distressed look on Usagi's face as she was
talking on her cell phone. "Usagi-chan, is something wrong?"
"WAAHHH! MAMO-CHAN IS IN THE HOSPITAL!" she whined (loudly) as she hung
up her cell phone.
Minako shrugged, holding up her large amount of shopping bags. "Well, I
guess our shopping trip's been cut short." Rei rolled her eyes at the
blonde with the less outrageous hairstyle.
"You realize that you put five stores out of business tonight alone,
right?" The senshi of love just grinned at the raven haired priestess.
However, the blonde grinned as a thought occurred to her.
Minako grabbed Rei's and Usagi's arms and started dragging them to the
hospital. "Well, we're going to go see Mamoru in the hospital, but we
don't all have to go, so, Ami-chan, you and Mako-chan go home and we'll
call you if anything happens. Bye bye!"
This didn't help Ami's blush go away, as saw Makoto turn towards her and
smile at her. She smiled back nervously and thought "Well, we're just
walking home with each other, her place is on the way. Nothing
embarrassing could possibly happen... right?"
Irony and the Entity in charge of enforcing Murphy's law grinned at each
other. "That's our cue!"
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Setsuna glares at the Gates of Time (now covered in duct tape, glue, and
a healthy helping of plaster). "This story is getting entirely too
silly!" She turns to the now (hopefully) repaired Gates. "All right,
that should just about do it." The greenette sighs, then teleports back
to the Outer's mansion. She looks around for Haruka, Michiru, and
Hotaru, but only finds Hotaru sleeping on the couch, with lipstick marks
smeared all over her face, a wide grin on her face, and wads of cotton
stuck in her ears. She was too exhausted to even contemplate these
things.
She trudged up the stairs to the second floor, nearly dragging herself
along and suppressing a yawn. She looked at the door to Haruka and
Michiru's room, debating whether to open the door or not. She eventually
decided to go in, thinking that they might have wondered where the Time
Senshi had been all day. So she opened the door.
She then closed that same door. Wearily, she made it back to her room,
and fell onto the bed, nearly falling asleep immediately. Her last
conscious thought was: "Hn... that blonde sandwiched between the two of
them... she was... really cute."
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A.N: My God, what was I on when I came up with this. I ended it the way
I did, so that I can add something more later if I want to, or I could
just leave it like this. It all depends on you people. So please, tell
me what you think, and review.
Seriously, review.
I mean it.
You've, nothing to lose but your dignity.
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