Chapter 2: Trauma (Hotaru) Gasping breathlessly I pulled the wonderfully wet heat closer and immediately had to bite down hard as a fist was drilled ruthlessly in my own heat. Hot tears were running down my face, mingling with the salvia from above. If my mouth wasn't occupied I would have screamed as the blow - and it really couldn't be described as anything less - hit my pleasure spot again with such force I was sure it would go right through to my very soul. I was in a state of numb bliss, neither caring, nor daring to end the agony that came with the pleasure. Why would I? It felt so damn good. Snaking my tongue deep inside of her and nibbing on the sensitive flesh with my teeth I felt her spasm in tune with my own rhythm. Shaking uncontrollably she thrust her wet pussy deeper into my mouth, grinding her hips down mercilessly and pressing me harder into the hard mattress. In turn her own strikes became faster and I was sure I was drawing flesh with my teeth as her fist pulled out and came down with even greater force and speed than before. Again and again. My vision turned blurry and finally white as my body acted on its own. And in one, life-threatening climax the world literally exploded. A few minutes later I finally regained some sort of conscience and found the very vision of a blond angel looming over me. Her smile was dazzling and I felt my heart melting as she reached out to stroke my face. "Aishiteru," she whispered with unconditional love shining in her eyes before she snuggled up half on top of me and I closed my eyes with a happy smile... My eyes fluttered open and I sat up straight... only to fall back against the cushion with a heartfelt groan when reality began to settle in again. The smell of arousal was in the air and I looked down with disgust at the jeans I was wearing. How many times had it been now that I had these dreams? Of course it had started the night after the party. I could not get it out of my system as it seemed. Shimatta, I had only sat down for five minutes. Looking at the clock I noticed it had been twenty now. Shit, why couldn't I just forget about that mistake? I wanted to, I really wanted to. It made me scream that I was reminded again and again of that night. Wasn't fate through with me by now? Or was I just a commercial joke that could be used all over again? The slut, I hated her for making me feel that way, for wanting her to come and tell me that it meant more to her than just mindless lust. I hated her for making me want to crawl to her and beg that she'd come back. I could not figure it out and that was the truly disgusting thing. It couldn't be love. Love had died for me that night... or better that morning. Hadn't it? "Hotaru-chan... I am sorry for last night. I lost control and wasn't thinking. Maybe it's too much to ask but I hope we still can be friends." Yeah sure. As if! Deciding that a cold shower was in order, I was on my way to the bathroom as a gentle rapping from the door stopped me. I frowned, annoyed at the interruption. Nobody came here anyway except Minako and if it was her... It better not be her. "What?" I shouted harshly. There was a silence on the other end for a few moments and I was already tempted to simply turn around and follow my earlier intention. "Hotaru-chan...? It's me. Usagi." I paused at that and walked over to the door but didn't open it. I wasn't really in the mood and why the heck did Usagi came her, she rarely did, more like... never! "What is it?" I asked again, trying to mask my anger and frustration a bit. Again silence at the other end for a moment. "Um... can I come in?" I shook my head but realized she couldn't see it. Sighing I realized I would have to say something to make her go away. I didn't want to deal with anyone. No one at all. And most certainly not the pending between faked ignorance and depression Usagi of late. I couldn't stand that. "Usagi, I'm busy." Looking over at my work room, I added. "I have work to do. Just tell me what you want or come back later." 'Just tell me what you want, don't come back later,' I mentally chanted. "Oh... I just wanted to ask, um... I was thinking we could, um... make a Christmas... party... andwantedtoaskifyouwantedtocome..." Long since trained in Usagi babble I figured the last bit out quickly but wasn't really listening anymore as my irritation turned to silent anger. She knew. From her tone and the squeak at the word "party", it was easy to tell. "Not as long as Minako is coming," I answered flatly and hoped dearly that the conversation would end with that. Of course, I couldn't be that lucky. "Demo... Hotaru-chan... I know you are mad but Minako is really sorry and..." "I SAID NO!" I all but screamed, ripping the door open and throwing the words directly in her face. The blonde shrunk back in fright and I flinched a little for screaming at my Princess but I was beyond caring already. The dream and then Usagi had brought my patience beyond the boiling point. "Why doesn't the Queen Slut come here herself?" I snarled angrily, my eyes flashing as a portion of my pent-up emotions came bubbling to the surface. "What is it with you two anyway? Did she tell you how good of a ride it was while fucking you! Was it good for you? Does she do even half the things that she did with me?" Tears began to glister in the other girl's eyes at this statement and a small part in me rebelled and screamed at me for being so cruel to my own Princess. She just wanted to help. I stomped down on that part, hard. "Are you here for her, Usagi? Tell me. Or is it just for yourself?" I continued in a now chilling whisper. "You are pathetic, both of you. You bath in your self-misery all day and let yourself be fucked by her. A fine Princess you are, Usagi. Get real, you cannot change what happened and if you continue this, life will be out of your grasp before you realize it." "Hotaru, I..." she tried but I cut her off immediately. "And Minako is not much better. Who does she think she can fool with that 'I'm trying to hold us together' attitude? It is not as if she is helping. Well, if she thinks she can discard me so easily, I can as well! For all I care, you can both stay away from me with your sorry excuses for a life! I AM NOT COMING AND THAT IS FINAL!" With that I slammed the door shut again and stalked of towards the bathroom. Inside the roaring flames were surely but steadily suffocated by a blanket of regret and guilt. I was being overly unfair, I knew. But most of it was true nonetheless. Usagi never managed to move on... or at least give the impression that she did like Minako did. Our Princess had become a truly pathetic example of self-pity and depression, hiding in the cocoon of self-loathing she had spun around her in an act of swallowing all the blame for the horrible day years ago by herself. It was obvious what her and Minako were doing. In my eyes they would probably never be able to let go and get their lives back together. At least I had managed somewhat but their false pretending of mutual comfort would only lead them deeper into the illusion they had made out of their lives. And still, still I wanted to go and run right to them, letting my own wounded heart bleed with theirs. "To hell with it!" I screamed, shutting the bathroom door loudly behind me. I was not weak, I would not succumb to emotions again. The only thing it brought you was even more pain. (Usagi) By the time I made it back home, I had calmed down a little. Hotaru's words had cut deep. More than I wanted to think about. Had I really been so bad? It had been a long time since anyone ever accused me of being pathetic. Not since Galaxia to be exact. Having it smashed into your face like that by the heartbroken woman had felt like a slap. I could really not blame her for it. Yes, she had been heartbroken, I had seen it in her eyes, there was no mistaking it. Minako had messed this one up bigger than she realized. Hotaru felt the same way as her or at least did. The attraction DID went both ways as I had always suspected. But could it be so easily repaired? Something stirred in me, a feeling I hadn't been made aware of for awhile. A character trait my friends always said they envied me for, what made me so important to them. What was it again? Responsibility? A little. Caring for my friends? That too. Selflessness. Most likely. Hotaru was right. I had to snap out of this. For years I had dwelled on and on, listlessly counting days, days with no meaning, days I could have spent happy with my friends, if I had been a better Senshi, a better leader, a better princess... I couldn't make that right again, I couldn't bring them back, not anymore. But I could do something for the friends that were still with me and who needed me now the most. Minako had done so much for us, maybe... No, it WAS time for me now to do something for her and for Hotaru as well. A soft smile, not quite genuine but neither was it forced like always played across my lips as I entered the house mumbling a soft "tadaima" and going straight for the stairs. I stopped though when I saw Okaasan standing in the kitchen door, her arms folded and an expression of grim determination on her face. From time to time my parents tended to catch onto the fact that I was already twenty-four and still not having a job nor going to college - not that I had ever planned to do so. Father had become quiet famous with his photographs and he had been promoted shortly before graduation. We certainly weren't rich or anything but money was never much off an issue... At least it wasn't really necessary for me to earn any own income. Hotaru was right again. I truly was pathetic. Well that had to be dealt with later... After Christmas or something. Sparing my mother a glance I hurried past her. "Not now, Okaasan. Later I'll promise." And with that I was up the stairs, a sudden energy flowing through my body once again. I didn't really know what about the actions of the last hours had woken me up from my state of lethargy, maybe it was just everything together. But Hotaru's words as harsh as they were had hit a nerve. Now, I had something to concentrate on again and I intended to not rest before I had gotten this argument cleared up and my friends on the right path towards a relationship. Yep, that I would do. My own life could come later. Whistling a strangely familiar tune that I couldn't quite place, I searched through my wardrobe to find something more suitable to wear. After ten minutes I still turned up blank. Darn, I really had to go shopping. Thinking back, I couldn't recall a time when I really went on a greater shopping tour, ravishing malls until the feet hurt in the last six years. Minako and I had planned to do just that for Christmas but first I had to make sure that Hotaru would be coming. Preferably in a good mood. Finally deciding on a white shirt and a matching sweater, I sat down on my bed to think. How to get this situation resolved? Both parties in question obviously had feelings for the other, deeper feelings. With Minako I knew and Hotaru's outburst had shown me as much. The whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding based on false judgment, fear and years of loneliness. The best would most likely be to set the two up, so that they could resolve the issue. But how? A devilish smile formed on my lips and I picked up the phone. Minako said she would be away from work for a few days and I had her cell phone number anyway. After a few minutes a click was heard and a groggy voice answered. "Yeah, what is it?" I suppose she slept in. No wonder with all what has gone on. "Hey, Mina-chan, it's me." A longer pause. "Usagi?" she asked hesitantly, with an incredulous undertone. Okay, I hadn't been very talkative lately - I had that already figured out - and couldn't remember than the last time was I had called her. "Don't sound so surprised," I said lightly. Now how to do this? I hadn't told her I was going to see Hotaru today. Didn't want to get her hopes up. "You'll never imagine who I ran into today." "Hotaru," came the reply a little tiredly, followed by a barely concealed sigh. Alright, then I was predictable. So? "Listen, Usagi, you don't have to..." I interrupted her before she could make herself miserable again. "She said she wanted to meet you after work." Silence. I didn't like to lie but what was a lie in a situation like this? I was just helping, right? Right. "Tonight?" Minako finally squeaked and I had to refrain from laughing. Really, I wanted to. She sounded almost like the little schoolgirl on one of her "love missions" again. "Yep," I answered seriously, glad that she couldn't see my face because I knew that I couldn't have fooled her. "Did she say why?" Her voice was hopeful and I really wanted to tell her that Hotaru was sorry and wanted to apologize but that would only lead to another misunderstanding. "No, not really," I answered. There was another pause, then Minako could be heard sighing again. "Oh... Okay, I suppose." Frowning a little, I tried to use my best motherly, chiding voice - having your future child visiting you frequently helped immensely. Well, not so frequently anymore... I pushed the darker emotions back and concentrated on the conversation again. "You are going, right? You have to be going. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." "Well, if you insist..." Minako was still reluctant. "Absolutely," I told her firmly. And with a final "Good Luck" disconnected. A part of me really didn't want to let Minako go. I knew where was nothing between us, could never be but... NO! I had made my decision I had to get back out of this vicious cycle. I didn't deserve her anyway and had always known that someday Minako would find someone else and then our little meetings might have to stop. It wasn't a relationship, just a comfort for mutual souls. I wouldn't need that anymore, I told myself. As long as they were happy I would be. Why did a little part of me didn't believe that then? (Minako) The night air was chilly, no wonder in about a week would be Christmas. Snow was yet to fall - it was rather late this year - but the temperatures were already past the zero point. No human soul was out on the dark streets of Azabu-Juuban and would I be in my right mind I wouldn't be out at this late an hour too. Past midnight already, I would have to pass work tomorrow again but that was worth it. I hoped it would be worth it. Usagi's assault-like phone call this morning - okay, it was already lunch time or something - took me totally by surprise. I hadn't planned on confronting Hotaru so soon. In my opinion she should have some time to cool off. However, there was something in Usagi's voice that baffled me. Had that been a degree of happiness that I had heard there? It could have been that I was still to groggy from just being woken up from my cell phone but I could swear she sounded a lot more like the old Usagi before the incident. The old Usagi would have done just that. Figuring out what was going on and immediately trying to straighten it out. And try as you might, if she wanted something to be done, you could hardly resist her. And if Hotaru really wanted to see me... I turned another corner and found myself in the alley leading to the back of the bar. I figured that Hotaru would come out here, I hoped at least. It was still a mystery to me what exactly she was doing here. I knew Hotaru usually wasn't drinking. So what the heck was she working as here? Maybe I should go in and find out that would surely be interesting but I didn't want to get her angry even more. By any luck I might get our friendship back in some order. I couldn't ask for more. I wouldn't dare to ask for more. What was there to ask for anyway? As I was still debating with myself, the object of my desire... Err, that came out wrong. I meant that Hotaru was already came out of the backdoor. Her black leather jacket and jeans were blending perfectly with the darkness and wouldn't it be for Senshi- enhanced vision and the constant pull when we were near each other, I wouldn't have noticed or recognized her at all. She didn't seem to have noticed me - or just didn't show it. I was just about to step into the light of the dim street lamp when I heard someone else approaching. Pulling back again I hid further in the shadows and saw two suspicious figures were moving in on Hotaru's position. Their steps silent despite the heavy boots. Clad in thick dark brown trench coat and a similar jacket as Hotaru's I could just make out that one was male and the other female. My instincts screamed for me to move out and help Hotaru but seeing how relaxed she seemed to regard the two, I stayed there I was and watched. Straining my ears I picked up pieces from the conversation. "... owe us that money," I heard a deep male voice. "I don't know what you are talking about. The job has been done, I'm not responsible for you screwing up," Hotaru responded. "... Listen, you better pay and if you can't maybe how about some other... favors." I cringed at that, it was obviously what they were talking about and the subject hit too close to home for my liking. "Gomen, I'm not interested in bullies," Hotaru responded coolly and I had to smile. Before the man could voice his disapproval I saw the woman move forward, pressing herself not to subtly against Hotaru's body. "Then you might go for something else?" she asked seductively. That turned out to be a mistake. A big mistake. Before the woman could as much as blink Hotaru had already thrown her against the wall of the bar, holding her up with one hand around her throat. The man moved to help his partner but only received a backhand for his troubles that sent him flying into a pile of trashcans, successfully stunning him. "I don't like to be touched," Hotaru stated in a deathly low and chilling voice. I had already moved from my hiding place, seeing as the woman - as much as she deserved it - was not really in any position to speak and would not be permanently, if I didn't do anything. At the useless attempts of the woman to claw at Hotaru's hands, my friend only squeezed tighter and if she continued that any further would surely snap her neck. "Hotaru!" I called out, using a commanding tone that was more familiar with my alter ego. Her head turned and she snarled when her eyes spotted me. I was taken aback momentarily by the expression. There was a flicker of hate and accusation, that much I had expected, but for the most part they were ice-cold, expressionless. Just like Sailorsaturn's... Maybe even like... "Stop it," I croaked out, my voice barely above a whisper, a sudden fear washing over me. Hotaru's eyes didn't lose their distant look. Turning back to the helpless woman who seemed to be suffocating every second now, she replied. "Why should I? Why should I listen to you?" The monotone tone cut deep and I had to force myself mentally to control my racing heart. Had I done this? Had I brought her to snap and leave her alter ego free reign? "It's not, as if anyone cares anyway in this world..." Reaching out with her other hand she adjusted her grip on the woman's throat who was now choking heavily, blood was running out of her mouth. I couldn't let this continue. Hotaru wasn't a murderer and I would never forgive myself, if I made her one. Gathering my strength, I said as firmly as I managed: "Do you want to become like her?" I didn't need to say the name. Hotaru knew deep down exactly who I was referring to. The woman spat blood and gasped for air the same time that Hotaru dropped her to the ground as she suddenly froze up on the spot. I didn't want to cut deeper but I needed to get my point across. "You don't want to become a murderer, Hotaru," I continued while approaching her slowly. "You don't want to be like her, becoming what you despised the most. Remember, you told me yourself..." The raven-haired girl began shaking uncontrollably with my words and as I reached out with a tentative hand for her shoulder she finally crumbled and sunk down to her knees, tears breaking through the dam she had built for herself over the years. I spared a glance at the woman. Her partner seemed to have recovered enough. I gave him one look and he hurriedly picked the female up and vanished into the night. Looking back down at the girl huddled in a heap of misery on the ground, I felt my heart debating with itself whether to break or reach out to her. Hunching down I gently pulled the softly crying girl I still considered as a friend, maybe even more so, into a tight embrace, deciding to never let go even when the world around us would end. With one hand I softly stroke through the long dark mane that fell long over her shoulders and I wished nothing more at this moment than to make everything better although I knew I probably could not. "Gomen nasei..." I murmured. Hotaru's tear flow finally stopped and she looked up through blurry pupils at me with a mixture of wonder and pain. "I never wanted to hurt you," I told her truthfully, pouring my pent-up feelings into the world. "But you did," Hotaru whispered and pushed me away a little, as she stood up. I flinched but refused to give ground now. This needed to be resolved here and now or else I would neither find the strength nor get the chance ever again. "Onegai, Hotaru. What else do I have to do? I already said I was sorry for sleeping with you..." "THAT IS NOT WHY YOU HURT ME!" I reeled back from the intensity of her shout and was mildly surprised that I didn't fell on my butt. But I was too shocked to even took notice of this. My eyes held hers. Gone was the coldness, replaced by hot-blazing anger and pain, pain that went like a knife right through my heart. "Then... Then why?" I managed to whisper, my mind racing. Hotaru looked away. "You wouldn't understand." She tried to sound cold again but failed miserably. What was she implying? I thought that I ruined our friendship by giving into temptations, by letting my desire reign my judgment. I thought I violated her trust and that I would have completely understood. But if I hadn't hurt her by the act when why... A horrible suspicion began to gnaw on my conscience. I caught her wrist before she could move away and spun her around, fixing my eyes on hers. "WHY?" I repeated as strongly as she did before, with a truly desperate note to it. Hotaru hesitated for a moment, when in a quiet whisper answered: "Because you left." And suddenly I felt all numb. Megami, what had I done? She hadn't been unwilling, even in my state she hadn't been and it hadn't been just for comfort either. It made all a a horrible kind of sense now. Hotaru had WANTED more, she had expected more, she had at least expected me to be there when she woke up. And like a chicken I left, left her like some unworthy whore after a good one night stand. "Kami... How can I ever make this right again?" I asked, speaking more to myself than Hotaru. Shame started to mingle with the rising feelings I had kept hidden so long, I had not allowed myself to feel ever since the fateful day that had shaped our lives ever since then. Yes, how could I ever repair what I had done? I didn't know and I honestly didn't know what to make of the overwhelming emotions threatening to tear me apart or how to deal with the new information. On instincts alone, my hands that had hovered right under Hotaru's chin anyway, reached out to lift her head ever so softly. Mechanism as old as mankind took over as my mind was unable to deal anymore with the chaos the situation had developed into. And as my lips finally met hers, I let go of all the feelings and emotions that were inside of me for years now. The kiss wasn't harsh or demanding or anything the matter. Barely a soft caress it came straight from the heart instead, genuine and full of... love.
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