---Omake Seventeen: The Return of the Star Lights--- "Wow." Ami said as she, Makoto, Rei, Haruka and Michiru, and Usagi and Mamoru were going up an elevator to an exclusive penthouse, "I still can't believe they've returned." "So Ruka," Mamoru began, "Exactly what are the Star Lights like?" "Let's see... Taiki is a nerd, Yaten is a self-opinionated jerk who's in love with himself, and Seiya's a letch. You watch Usagi around him like a hawk while I keep an eye on Michiru." "Wonderful how you're able to hide your hostility toward them." Michiru said acerbically, "And who said I needed protection? I am a grown-up, remember?" "How can I forget? 'Oh gee whiz, I can't seem to get this darn ol' zipper. Say Seiya, could you...'" "Don't even go there!" Michiru started, "You are constantly flirting in front of me to watch me get jealous, but I do it to you just once back in '96 and I have yet to hear the end of it!" Makoto turned to Rei, "Say," she whispered so Ami wouldn't hear, "Where's Minako and Setsuna? Don't they know the omake's started yet?" "I was wondering that myself." The raven haired beauty answered. She then turned to Usagi, "Hey Usagi," she said in her normal tone of voice, "Where are Mina-chan and Sets-chan?" "Oh, them?" the blonde responded, "Well apparently after the last story they decided to spend time with someone from the military." As Ami shouted at Usagi for breaking the fourth wall, Rei and Mako-chan both looked at their princess with a puzzled look, "The military?" Makoto asked. "Yeah." Usagi answered, "I overheard Setsuna invite Mina-chan over to the Outers house for Colonel Angus." "U... Usagi..." Rei began as Haruka started to giggle and everyone else blushed beet red, "Are you sure Sets-chan said 'Colonel Angus' and not 'cuneling...'" before she could finish the question, the doors to the elevator opened and everyone got off. They found the door to the penthouse open, and thus went in as a group. As Haruka hung protectively close to Michiru, Usagi called out, "Star Lights? We're here, what did you need?" "It's our Princess, Princess Kakyuu. She's missing again." a voice called out from a side room, "And we're no longer the Star Lights." With that, Yaten, Taiki and Seiya all came out dressed in hip-hop clothes, complete with bandannas, baggy pants hanging halfway down their hips so that the tops of their boxers were showing, and gold chains. Seiya (wearing no shirt, thus giving everyone a clear view of the "Thug-Life" tattoo on his chest) immediately gave both Michiru and Usagi leering stares. "Seiya," Ami said, "Exactly what's going on, and why are you and the other Star Lights dressed like refugees from a Wu-Tang Clan video?" "Look," the young man in question answered, "I already told you, we're not the Star Lights anymore. We're the Gang-Stars!" "The what?" Michiru asked as she raised an eyebrow. "That's right." Yaten said, adding, "And I'm no longer 'Yaten.' I'm now 'Violent Homicidal Y' biiiyyyyaaatch." "And I'm now no longer Taiki." The tall, brainy member of the group added, "I'm now 'Bitch-Slapper T'." "And I," Seiya added, "Am 'Seriously Deranged S'. And we three are..." Seiya's voice drifted as Haruka began to snicker from her seat, "Yo, Ruka." he said confrontationally, "You dissin' us?" "You know," the sandy-blonde haired woman began, "Because of my Formula-One pit crew always listening to it, I've learned a thing or two about rap music. And to paraphrase one of the more popular rappers out there, 'you three ain't nothing but some wanksters'." "Wanksters?" Taiki asked angrily, "Listen here G, I..." "Calm down." Usagi said, "Ruka didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure you'll do great Bed-Wetter T, and..." "That's 'Bitch-Slapper T,' not 'Bed-Wetter T'!" "Well wait a second," Mamoru said, "How is going from being a boy band to a gangster rap group going to help you find the princess this time around?" "Simple." Yaten said, "Last time we sang cute little teeny-bopper, bubblegum pop love songs to her, and it took an entire friggin' season for her to show up. This time though, through the magical power of gangsta rap, we're going to get her to come out sooner through fear. We'll get our Princess to come back to us by threatening to bury a cap in her ass if she doesn't. Here, check this out." he said as he flicked a switch on a huge sound system taking up most of the back wall of the room. Loud, drum-heavy bass music began to blare loudly from the speakers, and as the Senshi looked on the three would-be gangsters grabbed their mikes. After some initial hip-hop posing and the flashing of fake gang signs, Bitch-Slapper T started off. ...... "Yo! Yo! Sailor Stars got my face on the TV Now every ho and bitch wanna git wit me But I got no love for hos, and in their ass my foot I will bury So Princess Kakyuu gonna get smacked in a hurry If she don't come out of hiding and get back wit us three!" ...... At that, Yaten... er... Violent Homicidal Y took center stage. ...... "Hey! I gots my A-K, gonna go, shoot her up Make that punk-assed bitch cry like a lil' pup I'm sick of waiting and if she don't hurry up I'm gonna bury a cap in Kakyuu's B-cup!" ...... The two continued on with the violent, misogynistic lyrics as the bass heavy music continued to blare in the background, all the while Seiya... er... Seriously Deranged S kept calling out words like "Yeah!" "What?" and "Okay!" Four minutes later, the music finally stopped. "So," Seriously Deranged S asked, "What did you think?" "What?" Michiru asked, the sensitive violinist's ears still ringing from the music that was blaring. "I SAID, 'WHAT DID YOU THINK'?" "I'm not sure." The aqua-haired beauty answered, "Ask me again when that insipid racket ends and the music begins." "That was the music." Haruka pointed out. "What?" Michiru asked. "SHE SAID... aw, screw it." Seriously Deranged S said, "So what did the rest of you think?" "Awful." Rei answered. "Terrible." Makoto said. "My God, I used to be in their fan club." Ami said embarrassedly. "Let me get this straight," Mamoru began, "The three of you got together to brainstorm, and this is what you came up with?" "Sheesh." Usagi said, "I think I now understand why she keeps ditching you three." "I enjoyed it." Everyone turned in shock to the person who gave the good review. "R... Ruka?" Violent Homicidal Y asked dumbfounded, "You liked it?" "Absolutely." she said with a smile, "I haven't laughed this hard in months." "Damn it!" the blonde Gang Star screamed as he yanked his bandanna off and threw it to the floor, "I told you two this wouldn't work! She's out there, possibly in danger, and we can't get to her." Yaten said despairingly. "We can't give up, Yaten." Taiki said as he put a consoling hand on his friend's back. "Here we go." Seiya quipped as he rolled his eyes. "We're the Princess' guardians, and it's our duty to save her, by threatening homicide if necessary, and..." "Seiya! Yaten! Taiki!" an angry, shrill voice shrieked from the doorway. Everyone in the room turned quickly to see a very angry Princess Kakyuu glaring at the three wanna-be gangster rappers. With her, holding onto her hand, was Chibi-Chibi. "P-P-Princess," Taiki said nervously, "Um... How much did you hear?" "Enough!" the Princess shouted. "Oh shit." Yaten muttered. Across the room, a very satisfied Haruka smiled happily as she sat in the front row for the ass-kicking that was about to take place. As she secretly hoped that Princess Kakyuu chose to open up a can of whupp-ass on Seiya first, the other Senshi began to become a bit anxious. "I only left forty-five minutes ago!" the Princess said angrily, "I only went out for a bagel and a god-damned cup of coffee! I ran into Chibi-Chibi here and when I come back with this cute little ragamuffin, I hear you three threatening to bury a cap in my B-cup!" "Um... Ruka-kun," Michiru said a bit nervously now that her hearing had returned, "We might want to leave now dear." "No way!" Haruka answered with a smile on her face, "I am not about to miss this beat down." As energy began to build up around Princess Kakyuu, Seiya decided to try to save himself. "Fighter Star Power, Make-up!" he shouted, suddenly becoming a she as Sailor Starfighter now stood in the young man's place. "Princess, you wouldn't zap a girl..." she said as she reached behind her and pulled out a pair of sunglasses, "With glasses, would you?" she asked as she quickly put the shades on. Princess Kakyuu just glared angrier as she now focused her attention on Sailor Starfighter. "Shit." Starfighter whispered. "Mamo-chan," Usagi said, "Do something." Mamoru turned to his fiancée to give her a funny look, "Like what?" he asked. Looking at the others, and the looks Rei, Ami and Makoto were giving him, he sighed defeatedly. "Very well," he said, "I'll go try to stave off this family struggle of theirs." he then got up from his chair and started to walk over. "Take this!" Princess Kakyuu shouted as she fired a bolt of energy at Sailor Starfighter. "Now see here Princess," Mamoru began as Starfighter ducked the blast, "I..." Usagi's fiancée was cut off as the energy bolt hit him. The attack was never meant to kill Starfighter, but only to punish her. In her Starfighter form it couldn't have killed her anyways, but it would've been comparable to a slap on the wrist or a spanking on a disobedient child. A bit painful, but no lasting ill effects. Unfortunately, it struck Mamoru. Being an earthling, the effects on his anatomy were quite different. As everyone stared silently at the wisps of smoke rising from the pair of shoes Mamoru was standing in only seconds earlier, Princess Kakyuu's anger at her three guardians was immediately replaced by remorse for vaporizing Mamoru. "U... Usagi," Kakyuu began sorrowfully, "I... I'm so sorry. I..." "Mamo-chan?" Usagi muttered as she stared at the two shoes, "Oh God..." "Usagi." Rei whispered as she took the shocked woman into her arms and held her as the blonde cried. "Well," Makoto said sternly to the three former teen idols and their Princess, "I hope the four of you learned your lesson." "We did." Yaten said with his head bowed low, "Gangsta rap is evil, because it leads to a life of violence." Ami looked over to Chibi-Chibi who was still watching everything silently, "And did you learn anything little Chibi-Chibi?" The youngster smiled as she nodded, "Chibi chibbi... biiiyyyyaaatch!" she answered. Meanwhile, Rei still held onto the weeping Usagi. "Usagi," the shrine maiden said, "Please don't cry. Mamoru's dead, but you'll love again." The blonde looked up at Rei as she wiped her eyes, "R... Rei-chan," she began, "I'm clumsy, I eat too much, and I'm a whiner. Mamoru wasn't much, but he was at least willing to overlook all that. Who else would want someone like me?" Rei pulled Usagi over to her, surprising her as she answered her question with a kiss to the lips. "I would." Rei answered, "I've been secretly in love with you for a while now. If... If you were willing to give me a chance, I..." she was cut off as Usagi herself pulled her into a second kiss. "I... I love you too." she said, "Why didn't you tell me how you felt sooner though? All this time, settling for Mamoru because I thought the person I really loved..." "Tell you what," Michiru said as she walked over to the pair, "You two go off, the rest of us will clean up everything back here." "It's the least we can do." Princess Kakyuu said. "Agreed." Sailor Starfighter said as she sauntered over to Michiru, "You guys can clean up the mess out here while Michi-chan and I take care of the mess in the bedroom." "Seiya," Haruka growled, "You have three seconds to get away from my wife before I..." As the squabbling started up, Usagi and Rei joined hands and headed toward the door, pausing before they left to say goodbye to Chibi-Chibi. "Goodbye Chibi-Chibi." Usagi said, "Rei and I are off to start a new life together." "Take care of yourself." Rei said as she patted the ultra kawaii little girl on the head. Chibi-Chibi looked up at the two young women and smiled cutely. "Chibi chibi, biiiyyyyaaatch!" she said as she waved them goodbye. ---To Be Continued--- End notes: Giving credit where credit is due, the "Colonel Angus" joke is actually inspired by a Saturday Night Live sketch. Once again, thank you all for the warm response and good reviews you've given me since starting this silly little series. They really do inspire me to keep coming up with these, and you are all deeply appreciated.
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