Rei brought the wine glass to her lips, eyes scanning the crowd. They found Utena easily enough, she was the one surrounded by four women. Her business partner was gorgeous tonight, dressed all in black from her halter-top to her boots. She remembered why she took the older woman to bed all too well. "Hey, beautiful. Can I buy you another drink?" Rei turned to the blonde woman smiling at her. Only three days ago she would've accepted the offer and gladly taken it to the next level. But that was three days ago. Scary how much can change in three days. How much a single night can change a person. "Still drinking I see." The blonde's eyes moved to Utena as the brunette approached the miko. The older woman's arm draped casually over Rei's shoulders, a clear warning to back off. Utena smirked as the woman slipped back into the crowd, searching for a new victim. It disappeared when she saw the expressionless face of her friend. "So," the merger goddess, as some called her, said, "was that the fourth offer?" "Sixth," Rei said flatly, staring at the red liquid in her glass. The reply effectively shut down any chance Utena had of having an actually discussion with Rei. The older woman slumped forward uncharacteristically as she flagged down the bartender, ordering a beer. Lavender eyes watched her partner's downcast expression with a pang of guilt. Utena was doing everything possible to cheer her up, or at least get her out of this damn funk. But it wasn't working. All she could see was Hotaru's flushed face as they molded together, all she could hear was the college student's groans, all she could taste was Hotaru as their tongues danced, the only smell was her scent of vanilla and cherries, and she could only feel the soft skin against hers. Sweet misery. If this were Hell, she would gladly sin if it meant she could remember it all. But she already sinned. "This obviously isn't working." "Obviously," Rei heard herself agree. "So, what will work?" The miko tilted her head back as she downed the last of her wine. She turned to regard her friend with a mix of desperate hope and aloft acceptance. "Let's go to your place." ------------------------------- Rei slipped off her jacket as Utena turned on the lights. The older woman tossed her sweater onto the back of couch before collapsing on it. The miko smiled faintly as she walked over to the window and looked out at the twinkling lights of the city. "Something to drink?" Utena asked before standing. When her guest shook her head, she walked off to fetch herself a glass of wine. Rei's senses followed the woman's exit. Utena always managed to move so silently. The woman returned a few minutes later with a glass and seated herself on the couch. Her brown eyes watched the elegant figure by the window with interest. So, how will she play this? The possibilities. When there were no words exchanged nor any movement made, Utena rose gracefully to her feet, heading for the TV. "What do you want to watch?" No answer. Lips pulled into an annoyed frown, the woman turned. Only to find a pair of soft lips against hers in a bruising kiss. Utena quickly wrapped her arms around Rei's neck and pushed one foot back to balance herself. The miko's lips used to be rough and passionate, the fire in her burning its way through her victim's soul. Now, they were desperate and pleading for something. Anything. Rei hated what she was doing. She was using Utena for a quick release, a handy pleasure source. But she needed this. Needed this like flowers needed the sun. This hurt inside of her... she couldn't handle it. The throb of loneliness she could deal with, but the heartbreak... it was swallowing her, filling every crevice in her body. Every cell. It was like quick sand; every breath pulled her in deeper into the pain. Utena was breathless when Rei pulled away. Now she remembered how she fell for the woman the first time. Those goddamn lips... Rei leaned down for another kiss, not wanting to give her body time to calm down or her brain time to think. Their lips met, fighting for control. Shy on the outside, a bobcat in the sack, that's Utena. Just like Hotaru... The miko broke the kiss suddenly and pulled Utena's top off, throwing it somewhere across the room. Her hands roamed the familiar back as her teeth attacked the woman's neck almost viciously. Utena groaned softly as her arms clamped around the miko's neck. Rei growled and lifted her partner quickly off the floor. As long legs wrapped around her waist, only one thing ran through her mind: Don't think about Hotaru. The older woman's fingers danced across her skin at the nape of her neck. The miko made easy work of carrying Utena to the bedroom. But before she could place her on the bed, brown eyes snapped open. Rei was surprised when her friend's legs released her waist. She found herself pinned against the wall by Utena with strength she didn't know the brown-eyed woman had, her lips attacked by the surprising woman. Bobcat. Utena quickly unbuttoned Rei's blouse, her tongue an attack on everything sacred as it fought with the taller woman's. That's it Takahashi... It wasn't long before Rei had enough of the submissive role and Utena found herself pinned to the wall instead. That was what she expected from her, to be dominant. Rei pulled her own blouse off. Her hands danced across her friend's body, feeling the warmth of the smooth skin under her fingers. Just forget. Just let go. Utena found herself suddenly pulled from the wall and thrown onto her bed. Before she could collect herself, she felt Rei's firm body against hers as the miko's lips attacked her with an urgent desperation. The older woman brought her hands up, roaming her partner's back. Rei pulled away from Utena's lips to trail wet kisses down her neck. She felt long fingers in her hair and growled. This was what she knew... An image of Hotaru's flushed face flashed in her mind's eyes. She recoiled from her business partner's skin as if burned before throwing herself off. Lying on her back, Rei panted while she tried to calm her speeding heart. She felt the bed shift as Utena forced herself up on her elbows and looked at her. "I'm sorry," the miko forced out, voice wavering. "I can't... I just... can't." When Utena sighed, Rei was sure she was upset for the sudden halt and hesitation, especially since she had been the one to start it. The bed shifted again as the brown-eyed woman laid back down. "I was wondering when you'd realize that." It was the miko's turn to look at her friend, lavender eyes narrowed in confusion. "What?" With yet anther sigh, the older woman sat up and turned her head to look at the puzzled girl. "I knew you wouldn't go through with it the second you suggested we come back to my place." The sheets rustled and black silk moved across the whiteness of the bed as the younger woman forced herself to sit up, ignoring the protest of her tired body. "How?" Utena sighed softly as she closed her brown eyes. "You can't." "Are you doubting my stamina?" The shocked and offended tone caused the older woman to giggle. Oh, Rei, that pride of hers, ever present. "No, I'm not. Dear lord, how can you even think that?" Rei ignored the blush on her cheeks as she gave her full attention to the laughing woman. "Then what do you mean?" The miko was suddenly pulled back onto the bed as her friend rolled on top of her, brown eyes twinkling with amusement. "You're too hung up over Hotaru." "What?" Utena rolled off and took in the wide lavender eyes with pity. "Oh, Rei... she left you." The miko frowned at the reminder. She knew perfectly well that Hotaru left. But the question was why? And why would Utena remind her? "That wasn't like all the other nights of sex. No one's ever left you before, especially not someone you care about." "Min-" "Minako broke up with you, face to face. Hotaru upped and just left. You used sex to keep your mind off of the blonde. But sex reminds you of Hotaru. Humans, my dear, avoid pain. So, you avoid sex. Rei's brow knitted at the revelation. If it was true, that means- "I can't have sex until I figure this out?" Utena smirked at the shocked expression on Rei's face. Well, Hotaru got her to stop sleeping around. Maybe not the way she wanted, but still. "Damn it." "Rei, don't you want to know why Hotaru left?" "Of course, I do!" "Go talk to her." "I can't." "Can't or won't?" Silence. Utena shook her head and kissed the forehead of the woman she once loved. "You need to go see her." "Utena-" "For both your sakes." Rei couldn't argue with that. ------------------------------- Hotaru opened her eyes slowly, unaccustomed to the light of the setting sun. Who the hell- "It was as dark as a crypt in here." Violet eyes snapped to the right towards the source of the familiar voice. Sure enough, Megumi sat in the chair by her desk, a small smile on her lips. "M-Megumi?" The college student winced at the sound of her own voice, hoarse, since the last time she had spoken was to tell Michiru-mama to... fuck off. "Hey, we're here too." Hotaru looked to her right, where Sara sat on the couch with Hikari's head in her lap. The youngest senshi watched in amazement as the blonde stroked the brunette hair of their friend, whose brown eyes were closed. "She fell asleep a few minutes ago," Megumi explained quietly. Pink lips parted to ask a question that wasn't quite worded yet in Hotaru's still groggy mind. Sara smiled as she gazed at her friend warmly. "We've been waiting here since about two in the afternoon." The alarm clock on the nightstand read 7:50 PM. "Oh." Megumi winced at what her usually eloquent friend had been reduced to. When she'd get her hands on Hino... "Are you hungry?" The girl in bed started to shake her head but her traitorous stomach growled. Loudly. This seemed to be enough to wake Hikari as her brown eyes opened sleepily. Neither Hotaru nor Megumi missed Sara's affectionate smile as the brunette sat up, rubbing her eyes. The tall girl's hair was sticking up a little, making their blonde classmate smile fondly as she reached over to fix it. "What's goi- oh, hey Hotaru." Violet eyes softened as she nodded at her friend, unable to resist neither the sleepy smile on the pretty face nor how absolutely adorable her friend looked as she rubbed her eyes. What was surprising, though, was Hikari sleeping and Sara being used as a pillow. It was usually the other way around. But it doesn't really matter, as long as they're happy and keep acting so cute together. Though, they'd never admit they liked each other. Rei popped up in her head and a frown marred her delicate features. Damn it, not now. Her friends all seemed to notice her suddenly mood shift and rushed over to her bed. Megumi enveloped her in a hug as the first tears came. Sara stroked her hair while Hikari rubbed her back. Hotaru was suddenly very grateful to have them as friends. They cared. They were here. After a few minutes, the girl pulled away from her friend's embrace reluctantly, quickly wiping her cheeks and eyes. All three girls were gazing at her in concern and she tried to smile, failing miserably. Sara pulled the small girl into her arms and Hotaru stayed there, basking in the feel of the blonde's arms around her. She was lean and feminine but still strong, just like Rei. And only a little bit shorter than the miko too. But she smelled like chocolate and not jasmine... The tears came again as the miserable girl buried her face in her friend's chest. She felt Sara placed a kiss on the top of her head, just as Rei had before they fell asleep... Hotaru quickly pulled away and sought shelter in Hikari's arms. Guilt seized her when she saw the hurt look on the blonde's face. "I-I'm sorry, Sara. B-But you're... you're too much like R... Rei." Megumi's face darkened at the mention of the woman's name. Fortunately, the distressed girl was too busy to notice and Sara shot her brunette friend an angry glare. "It's all right," Sara said, smiling softly while she stroked her friend's hair. "I understand." The crying girl nodded, burying herself in Hikari's embrace. The only sounds in the room were the sobs coming from the youngest senshi for several minutes. When she finally calmed, Sara slipped out of the room, only to return moments later with a tray. "Michiru-san told you to drink this." Puffy violet eyes, red from crying, looked at the steaming soup. Slowly, shaking hands reached out to take the spoon, only to have another hand snatch it away. Confused, Hotaru looked up to find Megumi with the spoon in her hand and blowing on the soup to cool it. Once she was satisfied, she held the spoon to her blushing friend's lips. "Come on, Hotaru. Drink this. Don't make me use the airplane on you." Hikari and Sara giggled while Hotaru's blush deepened as she allowed the short brunette to feed her. In the presence of her friends, knowing they cared, with Hikari's arms around her and hot soup in her stomach, Hotaru calmed. After the soup (and lots of cooing from Megumi), the youngest senshi was a lot more comfortable. She hadn't even thought of Rei once. The sudden reminder of the miko caused her to stiffen and the tears returned. Hikari's hold on her tightened. "What's wrong, Hotaru?" Sara whispered softly, "I-I just thought about Rei..." Hikari pulled her friend to her, effectively blocking the enraged Megumi from view. When the short brunette spoke, she sounded amazingly calm. "What did Hino do?" Hotaru clung to her friend's shirt as Sara rubbed her back. "Talking about it might help," the blonde suggested. Despite the pain it caused, the violet-eyed girl nodded. Her friends moved closer and braced themselves. "Rei... she whispered Minako's name after... the morning after..." The short girl broke off as a sob found its way from her throat. She felt Sara come from behind and hug her as well, trapping her between Hikari's reassuring silence and the blonde's soothing warmth. She also heard Megumi's mumbled curses before her grounding presence and strong arms surrounded her. Hotaru felt the tears roll down her cheek and the pain in her chest intensify, but didn't care as her friends' presences and Hikari's soothing whispers lulled her to sleep. ------------------------------- Rei looked out the window of her office, the twinkling city lights enough to knock her sleepy mind back into focus. With a weary sigh, she rubbed her eyes before turning back to her desk. Four days away has caused the paperwork to multiply like rabbits, covering her desk and the surrounding area. As hard as Utena and Kenji tried to cover for her, they couldn't do that much more work considering their own loads. So, she had no choice but to come in and pull her weight. They were partners, after all. Besides, work was her escape now that sex was off the list. She had to keep herself busy. Had to keep herself from thinking. Seeing most of the office dark, the miko walked sluggishly to the cabinet on her right. She opened the door and pulled out a bottle of Scotch. The minifridge below provided the ice she needed. Sitting behind her desk again, the businesswoman poured herself a glass and lit a cigarette. At the rate she was going, she'd be dead in week from alcohol poisoning. She wouldn't mind that much. The only thing she would regret is not being able to help make Crystal Tokyo a reality. Rei shook her head to clear her mind. Nope, no one was dying. She was stuck here, in this Hell on Earth. She couldn't be selfish and leave her friends and princess. 'Get over yourself, Hino,' she thought with a soft growl. 'No one needs you. They're better off without your fucked up ass.' The miko shrugged as she poured herself another glass. Nothing she didn't already know. So wait, why hasn't she tried to kill herself? 'Face it. You're a coward. Too scared to end this shit. You're scared-' "Shitless." The miko's voice echoed in the silent office. Yeah, she was scared. Scared of what was on the other side. 'You're a miko, you moron. There is no fucking Heaven. No Hell.' Rei had to laugh at her own slip. That's right, there was no Heaven or Hell. She wasn't Christian or Catholic. 'Those years at the Catholic school rubbed off, after all.' She snarled at the thought. The good Sisters must be proud they pounded something into her poor, misguided pagan head. 'Misguided is right.' "Misguided, fucked up, screwed, hopeless, beyond help..." And the list went on and on. For quite a long time, too. She didn't have the next week to waste, though. Her lavender eyes trailed down to the paperwork before she took another sip. She was going to be here all night. 'Perhaps music will sooth the lost soul...' Rei groped for the remote to her stereo, the buzz from the Scotch making it a bit harder than usual. Surprising what two weeks can do to your tolerance. Just another souvenir from two weeks with- 'Don't go that way, Hino. You're trying to avoid pain, remember?' The miko finally found the remote and turned on the stereo. She started to relax, thinking it would play the station she had kept it on the last time she was in the office. But it had been over a week since then, and her partners have been in her office several times. --Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love. -- Rei cursed and drank straight from the bottle. This fucking song was the god-forsaking soundtrack of her life. She heard it when she tried to get over Usagi, then almost every month after the breakup with Minako and now after Hotaru. Damn it, someone loved to mock her. This song over and over again. --I tried so hard to hate you, But it only makes it all worse. I only end up hating myself. – Did she ever. After Minako broke up with her, she tried to hate the blonde. Hate her with all her soul. Hate her to make the pain go away. But it was different with Hotaru. She couldn't even make herself hate the violet-eyed girl, even if the young woman had given her hope and abandoned her. She had a good reason to leave, she just knew it. But then again, why would she have stayed? All she was good for now was sex and more sex, she couldn't promise anything... couldn't give anything. And she hated herself for that. Hated the fact that she had let herself become so empty. So disgusting. There was no reason to blame Minako. Relationships come and go, but what determined a person's worth wasn't whether the relationship lasted, but how one deals should it end. And boy, did she fail that test. Rei has always been bad with losing. Losing in any shape or form, whether it be games, competitions, contests or even love. Winning was how she made herself feel like she was worth something, as pitiful as that was. She's never had a reason to feel good about herself and her father leaving had a lot to do with that. But she couldn't blame it all on him. After all, has she not become exactly like the man who abandoned her when she needed him the most? She's always been a coward, just like him. She's always walked away. --I only think about myself, And it's driving you away. – 'It's already driven you away.' Her selfishness drove Hotaru away. And now will she be a fool like her father and be a coward? Will she let the woman go so easily? 'You were going to at the club.' But that was before their night together. Before Rei realized that she needed the woman more than she needed air. Before she realized that Hotaru filled that hole in her soul, melted her heart and chased away the demons. Being with Hotaru was like being with Minako. Only better. Better. Something the miko thought would never happen. Because she thought Minako was her happiness. She was. But Hotaru was her Heaven. Because Hotaru needed her too. The college student needed her to be the roaring fire that only she could calm. She needed Rei to be the yin to her yang, the storm to her tranquility. But most importantly, she needed Rei to need her because she has never been needed. And the miko finally realized it after losing her. She needed Hotaru. She wanted Hotaru. And for the first time in her life, she'll be damned if she'll be like her father and walk away. ------------------------------- Haruka didn't bother checking the peephole to see who it was. It could only be Megumi, Hikari or Sara, who dropped by everyday. She was not prepared to see Rei Hino standing on the other side of the door. Nor did she want to see her. The miko was rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. Her back was to the tall blonde, raven hair brushing against her black three-piece suit. Haruka stood frozen for a few seconds, trying to decide whether or not she should slam the door close right that instant. What the hell was she doing here? "Rei." The racer didn't have to decide when her lover called out the miko's name. The woman in question turned, her smile too tired and weary for Haruka to jump her. The bags under her eyes and the dull lavender orbs themselves didn't help either. All in all, she looked as bad as Hotaru. "Haruka. Michiru." The senshi of wind felt her lover grasp her arm tightly to prevent her from doing something. She didn't have to look to know Michiru's smile was forced and that her aqua eyes were narrowed. Rei sighed and ran a hand through her hair, eyes staring at the floor. Unconsciously, she reached into her pocket for a smoke and had it almost at her lips before realizing that it would be best NOT to smoke before the couple. The miko returned it to her pocket quickly and smiled sheepishly, though it came across as more of a wince. Haruka straightened, torn inside. Hotaru was her daughter and she'd do anything to protect her since she had failed already. But Rei was her friend. They weren't best friends, but they were kindred spirits at least. Wild and passionate, but as free as trapped animals in the cages created for them by society and destiny. They both knew love would tame their ferocity, sooth their anxiety and give them true freedom in their forced imprisonment. Difference was, Haruka found it while Rei was still searching. The blonde senshi knew how it feels to discover that freedom but be too foolish, or too frightened, to take it. Their salvation can only chase them for so long before they, the wild and untamed beasts, had to chase their peace of mind. It seemed like the time had come for Rei to chase. And she had accepted. But that did nothing to solve the tall woman's problem. Will she let this panther hunt down her daughter? Will she give her a chance to potentially hurt her Firefly again? "Haruka... Michiru..." Seems like the miko was trying to solve the problem for her. Out of respect for her friend and out of understanding of her situation, she listened. Out of love for her daughter, she did not step aside to let Rei enter. "I don't deserve another chance with Ru- I mean, Hotaru." 'Not the best way to start the argument,' Haruka thought with a hint of pity. "I didn't, still don't... nor will I ever deserve her love. I-I don't even know why she loves a fool like me." Michiru felt her lover stiffen. She knew the blonde was affected by these words. After all, Haruka had told her the same thing years ago. "But she does love me, and I consider myself blessed. And so, so very lucky." Rei paused, still not looking her friends in the eyes. "I messed up. God, I don't even know how I messed up, but I did. After all, how can an angel like her just leave without reason?" Haruka sighed inwardly. The choice had been made the day she walked into Rei's apartment to beat the miko into oblivion. It was stupid to even think she had a choice to make. "I know I don't deserve a chance to see her again. But, I need to talk to her." The miko bit her lip and raised her eyes, pleading with the two silently since she could never beg out loud. "I have to know." Michiru and Haruka stared at each other before the former turned. The blonde eyed the raven-haired woman evenly. "Michi will tell Hotaru you're in the garden." ------------------------------- Rei walked back and forth on the path between the red roses and the morning glories. She paused and stared at the flowers before growling and going back to her pacing. Damn it, everything's a mess. Perhaps it would have been better if Hotaru had never stayed to take care of her in the first place. 'No, Hino. Stop thinking like that. You're not going to be able to do anything if you believe that.' The miko cursed as she sat down, burying her face in her hands. She wanted another chance with Hotaru, but what if the college student denies her the chance? 'Fuck a chance. The problem is whether or not she'd even speak to you.' The woman cursed again and stood. She looked down at the purple morning glories. Hotaru... The leaves behind her rustled and Rei spun around. Dread and anticipation filled her. Well, here goes nothing... and everything. Her heart lurched at the sight of Hotaru. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, bags under the unusually dark orbs. She looked tired and utterly spent as she leaned against the tree for support. Worse of all, she refused to look at Rei. The businesswoman felt her mouth go dry and stuffed her hands into her pockets. "Hotaru." The girl cringed and the miko winced at the raspy sound of her voice. The youngest senshi took a tiny step back. This was not a good start. "How've you been?" Hotaru wanted to break down and cry when she heard the question. How's she been? Horrible? Wasn't it obvious from her disastrous appearance? Rei looked at the ground. Of all the time to lose her nerves. She really was just a coward. "Okay," the college student responded softly, her voice hoarse. "You?" The miko instinctively opened her mouth to say she was great but couldn't. If she were to have a chance with Hotaru, she had to be honest. Even if she hated the truth. "I've been better." Hotaru nodded, biting her lip as the voice of the woman she loved threatened to break her. No, she was already broken. Silence settled over the two as Rei continued to stare at the ground. She's never felt this far from Hotaru before and the physical distance didn't help either. But she doubted approaching the girl was a smart idea. "I..." The college student looked up when the taller woman spoke, a grave mistake. She took in the sight of the woman, despite herself, greedily. Rei had become a drug for her. For three weeks the miko was all she saw and all she's come to love. These past few days, even without the emotional suffering, has been hell for her just because she couldn't see the woman. Rei was just as beautiful as she remembered. The long, raven hair was pulled back in a braid, the first time Hotaru's seen it like that. It turned her attention fully on the miko's face, those full red lips parted ever so slightly. She was paler than she remembered, though, the healthy glow of her skin gone. The blouse looked a bit big on her slender form as well. Her lavender eyes were half-closed with obvious fatigue while the orbs themselves were dull with regret and hurt. 'Don't, Tomoe. Don't.' Rei felt her heart drop when Hotaru looked away. No, please, no. 'Please, tell me you haven't given up on me. Please, still believe in me... still love me.' Hotaru squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the tears start. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be in her presence and not want to touch her, kiss her and love her. But she didn't love her back. She still loved Minako. She shouldn't feel this way for the miko. The woman she had given all of herself to whispered Minako's name after they... Rei felt her heart break when Hotaru turned her back to her. The last bit of hope died in her and her eyes closed, tears threatening to escape. So, it was really over. It was over before it could really begin. Pity. They could've been great together. Hotaru tightened her hold on the sweatshirt she wore, her hand over her heart. She could feel both her pain and Rei's. It's like nothing she ever felt before. It was like someone stabbing her everywhere while her heart threatened to explode. It hurt so much it almost made her numb. But being almost numb was as good as almost being loved. It just made it worse. The miko's eyes opened just in time to see Hotaru walk away. A tear slid down her cheek when the girl was gone from her sight. "Goodbye, Ru." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The song used is "Sometimes It Hurts" by Stabbing Westward. A wonderful song. Check it out. Anyone get the bobcat reference? Thanks for reading. There's more coming soon.
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