The Darkness of the Mind and Things Not Well Hidden Ami could feel herself waking up. Everything hurt. She felt like she had survived being hit by a Mack truck. Then her brain started to catch up with her and she started to remember everything she had gone through over the last few days. The senshi of ice realized that an eighteen-wheeler was close enough to the truth. Finally she opened her eyes to see where she was. The room was dark, but not so dark she couldn't see. There was a very soft blue light on overhead. Ami mused that it was probably to keep her eyes from hurting. She figured the light would probably very slowly get brighter to help her eyes adjust to light, since this was a typical treatment for people who were deprived of light for a long amount of time. She noticed an IV inserted into a vein in her wrist. The room was your typical hospital room, complete with another one of those low TVs Makoto hated. As she continued to observe her surroundings, she noticed she wasn't alone. Makoto was holding her hand, but apparently had fallen asleep that way. She was sitting in a chair, but had slumped over a bit and was leaning on the side of the bed. Ami couldn't help but be concerned for the fact that Makoto's neck was going to be sore when she woke up with her head tilted so awkwardly. Even though it hurt for her to move, Ami reached over with the hand Makoto wasn't holding, and gently stroked her green eyed friend's cheek. Makoto woke, so startled that she jumped up out of the seat saying, "Who! What! When! Where!" as she rose. Just after getting the last word out, she banged her head on the low TV, yelping in pain. She rubbed the top of her head and her neck for a moment. Then she looked down at Ami, still in bed, and, gritting her teeth a little at the pain, still managed an embarrassed smile on her friend's behalf. Ami looked up at her with a weak smile and answered Makoto's rhetorical questions in order. "Its just me, I'm sorry for waking you up. I can't tell if it's ante meridian or post meridian since we seem to be in a room without windows, but the clock on the wall says 5:30, and I think we are in Azabu Regional Medical Center." Then it was Ami's turn to feel less intelligent as she said shyly, "You wouldn't happen to know what day it is, would you?" Since she just woke up, and from the splitting headache she now had, Makoto had to take a moment to answer. "Tuesday morning, I think." Ami looked down at her hands, glancing at the small hospital bracelet on her wrist for a few seconds, deep in thought. Then she said, "It was only three days? It felt much longer than that." She closed her eyes as memories of her time as a captive came back to her, surprisingly vivid, and tried not to show her fear. She couldn't keep herself from shaking from some of the more brutal memories as they played in her head though. Unable to keep her voice from quivering, she said quietly, "It was horrible, Makoto." Makoto placed a hand on the smaller woman's trembling shoulder and asked sympathetically, with no pressure, "Do you want to talk about it?" Ami took a few deep breaths and pulled herself back together. After a few moments she opened her eyes and looked at her friend. "No, not yet. I just want to get on with my life and forget it, at least for now." "All right, but if you want to talk about it, you can come to me. I won't tell anyone unless you want me to, either." Makoto gave Ami's shoulder a gentle squeeze then added, "We're here for you. Don't forget that." "Thanks Mako-chan. I will when I'm ready, I promise." Then, sounding exhausted, Ami said, "For now, I think I'm going to go back to sleep though." Makoto looked thoughtfully at Ami then said, "As you wish, Ami-chan." Then Makoto put a backpack on a small side table that could be pulled up to the bed and pushed it near Ami. "Minako went back to your place and packed a few things in here to help keep you entertained while you're stuck here. I'm going to go find your mom and let her know you're awake. She wants to make sure you're all right." Then Makoto added reassuringly, "I'll be back in a few minutes. The others left earlier this morning so I promised Id let them know when you came to." Again, Ami thanked Makoto and watched her leave, right up until she realized Makoto was going to open the door. She pulled a pillow in front of her head to cover her eyes and waited to hear the door close. Then, instead of going to sleep, Ami started rummaging through the backpack, hoping Minako had the good sense to put her cell phone in there. "Just a quick text message. Pie Lover deserves that much, at least," Ami said to herself quietly. Makoto was in a crowded elevator just a few moments later, when her cell phone started vibrating. She opened it and realized it was a text message. As soon as she saw who it was from, she said out loud excitedly, "PBJ!" and ignored the looks of surprise and confusion from the other occupants of the elevator as she excitedly typed a greeting. She was so happy to hear from her secret girlfriend that she didn't even stop to think why the other woman would be up this early. PBJ1978 has signed on at 5:40AM PBJ1978: I'm not sure if you're there or not... but I figured I'd let you know I'm good. Just wound up with some computer problems. I apologize for not contacting you sooner. I've missed you. CherryPieLover: That's OK. I figured that, but I was beginning to worry you had met someone else more interesting. I missed you too! PBJ1978: No! No! The only person in my life who would really give you a run for your money isn't interested in other women. So you have nothing to worry about. Makoto smiled at that comment as she walked out the elevator. CherryPieLover: Her loss. Straight or not, she'd be a fool to turn down someone as sweet as you :D PBJ1978: Yeah I guess . . . well, I need to get some rest. I'll talk to you again later. CherryPieLover: OK. Just give me a buzz when you're ready to chat again! PBJ1978 has signed off at 5:45AM Makoto sighed quietly as she put her cell phone back in her pocket. "I can't wait to finally see her in person." Dr. Hana Mizuno had shown her where her office was the night before, and Makoto now found herself at the door. She knocked quietly, then opened the door once Ami's mom told her to come in. The room was another small interior room with no windows. Dr. Mizuno's office had a professional and plain appearance to it. There was a desk with a picture of Ami and her mother from Ami's graduation from college, as well as Dr. Mizuno's nameplate and a flat screen monitor off to the side of it situated so Dr. Mizuno could see the door. A chair in front of the desk for whomever wished to speak with her, a few filing cabinets, and a few medical charts and posters on the walls rounded out the remaining items. The room was a little dark since one of the florescent lights had burned out. Combined with the eerie electrical buzz from the working florescent light, the lower lighting gave the white room a creepy feel. "Ah, Kino," Hana said quietly, almost as if talking to a patient as she gestured to a chair in the small office opposite her desk. "Lock the door, please. I have some things I'd like to discuss with you. It won't take long. Please take a seat." Makoto was a little puzzled as to why she was being asked to lock the door, but she did so and sat in the recommended seat. It always surprised Makoto how similar Dr. Mizuno was to Ami. The major differences were that her hair looked like it was a lighter blue due to her hair starting to turn gray, and she was slightly taller. She was wearing a lab coat with a stethoscope around her neck, and a name tag with 'Dr. Mizuno' written on it. Ami's friends had often joked that all Ami would have to do is get ahold of her mother's work clothing and she could probably pass for her mother. Even while sitting, Makoto still had to look down to make eye contact with her. "Good morning, Dr. Mizuno. I came to tell you Ami is awake." As Makoto spoke, Hana leaned forward in her chair, put her elbows on the desk, folded her hands together, and lowered her head so that her mouth was covered by her hands. Then Hana looked over her glasses into Makoto's eyes as if searching her very soul. Makoto couldn't help but think to herself that Ami always looked over her glasses at someone when she was irritated, angry, or surprised by the person. Obviously this was where her friend had gotten the habit. Whatever Hana Mizuno wanted to discuss, it probably wasn't something Makoto wanted to talk about. As Makoto shifted in her seat, feeling suddenly even more uncomfortable under Dr. Mizuno's gaze, Hana spoke, not moving other than to blink her eyes. "I'll be sure to visit her shortly. Since we are both busy people, Miss Kino, I will get straight to the point. Recent events have forced me to face an unfortunate truth about my daughter's life." Narrowing her eyes she said simply, "I know your secret." The taller woman tilted her head to to the side a little. She doubted Hana knew Makoto's true feelings for Ami, or about her online relationship. Even if she knew about that, Hana never struck her as homophobic. That left only one other secret in her life and there was no way in hell that Ami's mother knew about that, could she? "Excuse me, Doctor, I don't mean to be rude, but any secrets I may have, or that you think I have, are none of your concern." The second the last word left Makoto's mouth, Hana slammed her hands down on the desk so hard that the picture fell over and her name plate slid off the desk clattering as it hit the floor. She stood up and arched her back so her eyes were now level with the younger woman's. The anger flashing in her eyes was intense, and for a moment Makoto thought Dr. Mizuno was going to jump over the desk and strangle her. Instead, shaking with rage, Hana spoke so quietly that Makoto had to strain to hear her. "My daughter, my only child, is 3 floors above us in a hospital room recovering from a severe beating, dehydration, light deprivation, and is being treated for a concussion for the second time in less than a week." Then, leaning forward so her nose was almost touching Makoto's, she said, "I think the secret the nine of you are trying to hide so well and so long has suddenly very much become my concern." Makoto hadn't had her parents to yell at her for nearly 19 years now, but she had a feeling that the cold sensation in her stomach was probably what it felt like to be caught in a lie by one of them. Making one last attempt to throw Hana off, Makoto said angrily, trying to force as much confusion into her voice as she could, and rising to her feet to try to intimidate the smaller woman with her height, "What the hell are you talking about, Hana Mizuno?" Ami's mother looked up at Makoto for a moment before speaking. "You, my daughter, and your entire group of close-knit friends are the Sailor Senshi that show up in the news from time to time over the last 15 years. You're considered both heroes of Tokyo, and as perhaps the most destructive gang in the history of the city based on how much damage seems to follow in your wake." The green-eyed woman forced out a laugh, saying, "I'm rather surprised an upstanding doctor would actually believe in a silly urban legend like that. Look, I know you're concerned about your daughter, but you're way off! We told you what --" Makoto was cut off in mid-sentence when the small woman yelled out, "You all lied to my face!" Then, forcing herself to regain a bit of her normal calm demeanor, Dr. Mizuno started talking again. "I'm sorry, Makoto, you're right. I am concerned about my daughter. I love her dearly and I know a lot about her. Despite how close you and your friends may be to her, I'm even willing to bet I know a few things you don't. I know I'm right, and I know you know it." Then she sat back down in her chair, slumping her shoulders a bit, looking suddenly old and worn out. "I've known for a long time now. I'm not sure how long she has been involved, but I started to notice patterns in when she was late or didn't show up at home, and when events involving the Sailor Senshi would occur while she was in high school. The first year or so I passed it off as coincidence. Unfortunately, coincidence only accounts for a few events. Not over one hundred." Taking Makoto's silence as permission to continue, Hana added as she opened a drawer and set a newspaper clipping in front of Makoto, "A few years back, a reporter snapped this picture and attached it to an article. Most people dismissed it as a hoax, but I believe it is clear enough to prove my point." The picture in question was a blurry black and white picture of Makoto, Ami, Usagi, Rei, and Minako transformed into their alter egos. Only Ami's face was clear enough to see, though even it was pretty distorted from motion blur, bad lighting, and water since she was in the middle of an attack.. Not enough for most to place her, except perhaps her mother and closest friends. Makoto read the article briefly and placed it from events about 5 years ago. A few leftover Yoma from way back when the Senshi had fought Beryl had decided to show up in the middle of a crowded mall to try to avenge their long-dead queen. Their attempts failed horribly, but the incident had made front page news for weeks, re-kindling the debate over whether the Sailor Senshi and their adventures were truth or myth, and whether they were helpful or harmful to the greater good of Tokyo. Also, as Dr. Mizuno had mentioned, the property damage to the Roppongi Hill's shopping center had been costly, to say the least. The elder blue haired woman sighed, then continued. "Several times she even admitted to me she was at those locations at the same time, but as a bystander. You all had to know you couldn't hide it forever. There were a few times I tried to bring it up with Ami, but she always changed the subject." When Makoto didn't say anything, she continued, looking suddenly guilty. "It's clear to me now I should have insisted. I know what she was doing was dangerous, but I also knew she believed in it enough to take the risk, and that she would be careful. Now however, one of her adventures has finally landed her in the hospital." Looking up at Makoto, she added sadly, "I no longer feel I can take the risk. I can't bear the thought of losing her." Finally admitting defeat, Makoto sat in her seat, looking down at her feet for a moment. This wasn't the conversation she was prepared for at all. It suddenly surprised her to realize that none of them had ever talked about what to do or say if someone actually did find out. Obviously, killing Ami's mother was out of the question. She was glad that at least the doctor wasn't asking for specifics on how Ami wound up how she did since that would have been impossible to describe to someone who hadn't seen their doubles with their own eyes. Once Makoto realized there was no point denying it, she asked, trying to choose her words carefully, "So, you want me to ask her to quit? Why not talk to Ami yourself?" Hana quietly looked down at her desk as she thought of a reply. "Yes. I want you to ask her to quit. She has gone to so much trouble to hide this from me. I feel like I would be betraying her somehow by letting her realize I'm aware of her other identity. I want you specifically to talk to her because . . . " Dr. Mizuno stopped for a moment, trying to think of a way to put her thoughts into words. "Because she trusts you more than anyone. Even me." The brunette looked at the doctor and replied quietly, "I will ask her . . . but you have to know what the answer will be after 15 years. Not you, me, or anyone can convince her or the rest of us to give it up. It's a responsibility we all share and take seriously." Then Makoto said, "You're a very intelligent woman, so you had to already know that. So that leaves the most obvious question. What do you want me to do when she says no?" As Makoto was talking, Hana walked around the desk to stand beside the taller woman. Once Makoto finished, Hana smiled and answered, "You're Sailor Jupiter. If she says no, I want you to do your job. The planet Jupiter keeps many dangerous large asteroids and comets from hitting the planets within the inner part of the solar system due to its large size and gravitational pull, thus allowing life to survive on earth. I don't know much about the other group of your friends, but I know out of Ami's closest friends, you're the best fighter. You have quite the martial arts talent, I'm told. You may be surprised to hear this, but Ami brags about it to me whenever you win a tournament." Looking up at Makoto with sincere respect, she finished, "I want you to protect her. Keep her safe." "I'll do my absolute best." Then Makoto looked down at Hana in confusion. "OK. I can see how you knew we were the Sailor Senshi, but how did you know which specific one I am?" Hana grinned. "Simple. First, Since you hit your last growth spurt toward the end of high school, you're the tallest out of all your friends. Logically, knowing that all the Senshi are named after planets save your leader, you match more of a physical description to the planet. Second, during your senior year of high school, Ami had the four of her closest friends over for a sleepover one nameless night." Chuckling at the memory, Hana finished. "I came home in the middle of the night from work to find all of you passed out in the living room. Wouldn't you know your friend Usagi talks in her sleep?" Their conversation finished, Hana and Makoto made their way back up to Ami's hospital room. The trip was quiet all the way back since both were lost in their own thoughts. Makoto remembered checking her watch and seeing that it was only 6:30 AM. To her, it felt like the day should have been just about over with instead of just starting. When they opened the door to the room, it was Hana's turn for a surprise. "Hi Mom!"Ami said with a smile after taking another sip of water from the cup she was holding. Ami had gotten out of bed and was sitting in a chair next to it. After Makoto left, she had decided to watch TV and catch up on the news. She was still drained a bit from her ordeal, and had a slight headache, but other than that she appeared fine. Simple and innocent enough, except when Ami had been brought in last night, she could barely maintain her consciousness or stand. Let alone have the coordination to get out of bed and sit in a chair. Even her eyes, which should have taken another hour and a half to adjust to light at the least, weren't bothered at all by the light spilling in through the doorway. On top of that, all of the bruises she had from the previous night and most of the cuts were gone, and there was no sign of concussion. Instead of being extremely dizzy, dehydrated to the point of weakness, incredibly sore, and sensitive to light, Ami looked only mildly uncomfortable and slightly thirsty. Ami looked absolutely fine. Looking a little confused, Ami said, "Mom? Are you OK?" Dr. Mizuno was standing in the door way with her jaw open and a dumbfounded look on her face. Makoto, squeezing between her and the door frame to get in, seemed to snap her out of it. Hana walked around the bed, staring at Ami as if she were looking at an alien. Ami got up, grabbed the post her IV was hanging from moving it with her, and walked to her mom, looking concerned. Once they were standing in front of each other, Hana said, "You shouldn't be out of bed, never mind be able to walk." Searching for a way to respond to her daughter's question, Dr. Mizuno said, "I'm impressed, that's what I am. I know you always healed quicker than most people, but honey, you shouldn't even be able to see straight right now with how bad you were last night!" Makoto smiled as she watched. Dr. Mizuno knew Ami was a Sailor Senshi, but she didn't know just how fast they healed. They had all been beaten badly through their careers as Senshi, and were almost always able to get up and go to school or work the next morning. Makoto had expected Ami's stay in the hospital to be a day or two, but apparently it wouldn't even be that long. Ami looked around nervously, trying to think of a response. "Well you know, I have the best doctor in Tokyo. I personally chalk it up to great medical care . . . " Ami's mother was already listening to Ami's heart with a stethoscope and taking her pulse. Ami knew a few of the tricks in the book of medicine, so when her mother said, "I need to take your pulse again since I lost count," which is medical speak for I'm going to count your respirations now, Ami held her breath. Dr. Mizuno looked up at Ami's face and said, slightly annoyed yet at the same time amused by her daughter's antics, "Knock it off." While her mother searched for a sphygmomanometer to take Ami's blood pressure, Ami simply laughed and said, "I'm fine, Mom, I promise! I just needed a little medical care, a good night's sleep, and a little water." Hana looked over her shoulder at Makoto as if for confirmation. Makoto just smiled and shrugged. Looking back at Ami, Dr. Mizuno said, "All right, but I want you to stay at least for this afternoon for observation just to be on the safe side." Then trying to change the subject a little, the older blue haired woman said, "Well, I'm going to get some coffee. I'll be back in a while to check on you. Whether you feel fine or not, I want you to get back in bed and stay there, and I want you to drink more water. Look after her for me, won't you, Makoto?" Makoto caught what Dr. Mizuno was really asking, and answered, "Of course. She'll be fine. I'll let you know if anything happens." Satisfied with the brunette's reply, Hana gave Ami a hug, then walked out the door to wherever it was doctors go, closing the door quietly behind her. Ami asked from across the room as she was getting back in bed, "So, what did the two of you talk about?" "Huh?" Makoto said, sounding startled by the question, then looked away from Ami's face for a moment, suddenly interested in the opposing wall. "Nothing. Nothing at all. Why?" Ami flopped back in her bed, putting her hands over her head as she stared back up at the ceiling for a moment. Then, turning her eyes to watch Makoto as she sat back down in the chair she had woke up in this morning, and putting some of her patented angry teacher voice into her comment, Ami said, "You're a terrible liar, Makoto, and you were gone for nearly an hour." Makoto had to stop and think for a moment. She didn't want to outright lie to Ami, but she didn't want to tell her the complete truth either. Looking down at Ami's face, Makoto sighed and said, "We just talked for a bit about you. Mostly we established that we are both worried about you and have your best interests at heart." Then Makoto looked away for a few seconds before continuing. Sounding like she was changing the subject, Makoto decided it was as good a time as any to get Hana's request out of the way. "I think you should consider . . . quitting. I know whoever or whatever those people were we dealt with last night were not kind to you. I don't think anyone would blame you if you wanted to get away from all of it for a bit to clear your head." Makoto squeezed her eyes shut and flinched, as if she knew she were about to get hit as she thought to herself how bad that sounded to her. When no response came from Ami, Makoto opened one eye to look at the shorter woman. Ami was sitting up in bed, sipping a cup of water and staring off into space. When she spoke, she was so quiet that Makoto almost hadn't noticed she said anything. "I got caught off-guard pretty badly, didn't I?" She took another sip of water, apparently deep in thought. It took Makoto a few more moments to realize Ami was very seriously considering it. "You guys did pretty well when you rescued me, even if the whole thing was improvised. It's also the last thing our new adversaries would see coming since they would expect me to be making the strategies used against them in battle." After a pause, while Ami sipped some more water, she said, "They came so close to breaking me, Makoto. They nearly had me believing the sky was purple if that was what it would have taken to get them to leave me alone." Ami turned toward Makoto, saying, "I'll never quit being a Senshi . . . but perhaps for the moment . . . it would be best to step back." Ami looked at the bed railing for a moment as she organized her thoughts. Once she had, she looked up at Makoto and said confidently, "I have some things I need to work out on my own at the moment. I promise I won't leave you all hanging in a fight or something . . . but I think I need to step back . . . " After she finished talking, Ami laid back down, looking up at the ceiling. Only when Makoto saw tears start to leave Ami's eyes did she realize how hard it was for Ami to say that. As if to end the argument that was silently being waged in her mind, Ami whispered to no one in particular, "I'm no use to anyone at the moment." Makoto suddenly felt like she had personally delivered a killing blow to her friend. "Look Ami, I take it back. I shouldn't even have -- " Makoto was silenced by Ami putting a finger to her lips. When Ami lowered her hand, she said, "No, Makoto. You're right. They did a lot more to me than what you had the chance to see. They probably knew the physical wounds they inflicted on me would heal up relatively fast. Permanent physical damage wasn't their goal. It's the damage to my mind that will take time to heal." Closing her eyes tightly, Ami continued, "I can still hear them, Mako-chan. Taunting me from the darkness of my own mind. Laughing at me, insulting me. They took my greatest strength as a Senshi and as a human being that I have and turned it against me. Don't get me wrong, the physical beatings they gave me were not easy to endure. But . . . well, for lack of a better word . . . what they did to me mentally . . . " Ami reached out and grabbed Makoto's hand suddenly, squeezing it as tightly as she could, trying to get some kind of security out of knowing she was with someone she could trust. "They raped my mind, Makoto. I truly can't think of another way to word it. I don't think they realize just how close they were to breaking me down to nothing. They had the best interrogator in the world to do it too. Someone who thought almost exactly like I do, only a twisted version of myself." Ami gave out a shuddering gasp as the memories of her recent ordeal came back to her once more, suddenly and vividly. "She reached into my mind and threw my most intimate, private thoughts out on the ground for all to see, like a careless child throwing toys out of a box. She could pick them up and play with them and flaunt them as if they were nothing special." Taking a breath, Ami said, "Now that I'm out of that nightmare, I find myself in a new one." So quickly it scared Makoto, Ami jerked her hand away from hers and grabbed her own head for a moment with both hands, and curled up into a fetal position. Ami could almost feel her mind falling apart at the seams as memories came to her without her wanting to recall them, like books being violently and rapidly knocked off a shelf. She tried to scream as loud as she could, but hardly any sound came from her as all the calm she usually possessed had suddenly left her. She finally snapped, letting the rest of her thoughts spill out rapidly like precious water in the desert. "She pulled thoughts out of my head whenever she wanted, hurt me with them and then tossed them back in my mind like they were garbage! I AM garbage! I'm disgusting! Weak! Useless! A freak! I'm -- " Her last words were stopped by Makoto, as she hugged Ami as tightly as she could. Ami was completely limp now, but she was sobbing like a baby into her friend's shoulder. Makoto could hear Ami's voice as she cried out between sobs, "I can't make her stop! I can still hear her taunting me! I can't even get away from her in my sleep!" Then Ami just cried over and over for a while, begging Makoto to, "Make it stop!" All Makoto could do was hold Ami as tightly as she could and quietly tell Ami it would be OK every time her friend begged her to make it stop, even though Makoto had no idea how to make it OK. She wanted desperately for Ami to have never gone through whatever those monsters had done to her. She would have given anything to trade places, too. It was only until after Ami had cried herself to sleep that Makoto realized she had also been crying -- both from sadness for her friend and also out of anger and helplessness at not being able to do anything for her. Makoto eventually gently let go of Ami as the petite woman slept, still occasionally whimpering and twitching a bit in her sleep from a nightmare Makoto suddenly wasn't sure she ever wanted to fully understand. It made Makoto want to wake the poor girl up again, but she knew it would do her no good at the moment. As Makoto dried her own tear-streaked face with a convenient box of Kleenex in the room, she thought to herself that she wanted to do more than just protect Ami. As she quietly walked out of the room and closed the door so Ami could rest, Makoto put into words in her mind what she wanted. She wanted to get revenge.
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