The Ambiguously Lesbian Duo The Ambiguously Lesbian Duo They are taking on youma, come what may They're affectionate babes from an anime They express themselves in an ambiguous way They're ambiguously gay They're ambiguously gay The Ambiguously Lesbian Duo! [Tonight's Episode: When the Going Gets Muff...] [Haruka and Michiru are washing their crime-fighting mobile, which is shaped like a well-developed female torso. They look happily at their reflections in the polished, flesh-toned body of the car. A radio is lying on the grass beside them, playing (naturally) "Car Wash."] MICHIRU: Ah, it sure is a lovely day! It's just perfect for a workout in the sun! HARUKA: It certainly is, lifetime companion! Say, could you pass me the hose from over there? MICHIRU: Here you go! [Instead of throwing the hose over, she turns it on full blast, soaking Haruka to the skin. Her assets are *very* visible through the fabric of her gray-and-yellow jumpsuit.] HARUKA: Hey! [She grabs the bucket of soap suds at her feet, hefts it at an angle, and tosses the water at Michiru, who ends up drenched and soapy.] MICHIRU: Why, you...get over here! HARUKA: No way! MICHIRU: I'm gonna getcha! [They begin running in circles around the car, Michiru chasing her blond partner relentlessly. It is a smorgasbord of wet, nubile, female flesh. A teenage boy rambles by on a bicycle and happens to look their way. He is struck with a serious nosebleed on the spot and flies right over the handlebars of his bike.] MICHIRU: Get back here, you villain! HARUKA: You'll never catch me, you miserable do-gooder! [An older man who is almost totally bald hobbles by. He notices the motionless body of the boy lying on the ground and happens to look up. When he sees the wet T-shirt parade going on only feet away from him, his face seizes up and he grabs at his chest with one hand. Gravity pulls his frozen body to the ground, and he lands right next to the boy. A car full of boozed-up college guys drives by, and as they pass, they all get nosebleeds and the car crashes into a tree.] HARUKA: Did you hear something? MICHIRU: No. Why? HARUKA: Nevermind. [They resume chasing each other around the car. A bus full of senior citizens drives by, and two dozen old men end up slumped half-out of their windows, all of their noses bleeding. Then, a boy wearing a yellow shirt, black pants, and a bandana climbs out of the sewer.] RYOGA: Damn, this doesn't look like Nerima either! MICHIRU: Look, a citizen in distress! Let's help him! HARUKA: (to Ryoga) Say there, young man, are you lost? RYOGA: Yeah, can you tell me how to get to the Tendo Dojo? [Ryoga looks up from his map and sees a pair of well-developed young women with their clothes clinging to their wet bodies. Blood begins streaming out of both his nostrils, and his eyes do that weird thing anime characters always do when they're surprised.] MICHIRU: What are you looking at? RYOGA: N-nothing... [He faints. Scene shifts to a dark laboratory, where some lunatic's clown-lookin' face is all that can be seen. It's Professor Tomoe.] TOMOE: Grrr, I'm running out of plans to collect heart crystals for the Sovereign of Silence! If it wasn't for that miserable duo, Haruka and Michiru, I would already rule this world! MISTRESS 9: I told you, I want energy, not excuses. TOMOE: I'm sorry, your Sovereign-ness, but my associates are completely useless! They can't even beat a pair of lesbians! MISTRESS 9: Lesbians? TOMOE: You know, Haruka and Michiru. MISTRESS 9: I was not aware that they were lesbians. TOMOE: (muttering) Then you're probably not aware the Earth goes around the sun, either... MISTRESS 9: What did you say?! TOMOE: Uh, nothing. MISTRESS 9: Well, don't just stand there, go get me some heart crystals! TOMOE: Yes, ma'am. Mimete! Get in here! [Mimete turns on the light as she enters the room. She's reading a magazine with Britney Spears on the cover and twirling gum around her finger.] MIMETE: You called me, Doc? TOMOE: Turn off that light! I look a lot cooler in the dark! MIMETE: (muttering) Yeah, the hell you do. TOMOE: What did you say?! MIMETE: Uh, nothing. [She turns off the light. Tomoe's weird-ass grinning face can be seen again. Mistress 9 notices the star on her forehead has come off. She hastily licks the back of it and sticks it back on before anyone sees.] TOMOE: Well, don't just stand there! Go get the Sovereign some heart crystals! MIMETE: Sure thing, Doc! TOMOE: That's professor! I'm only Dr. in the dub! [Scene shifts to that park the Senshi are always hangin' out in. Mimete and a dozen daimons appear.] MIMETE: Now go get heart crystals! [The daimons begin mauling people and stealing their heart crystals. Scene shifts to Commissioner Chiba's office. He's dialing his red phone frantically.] CHIBA: Haruka! Michiru! Pick up the phone! [Scene shifts to the crime fighters' home. A pile of nosebleeding boys six feet high has formed in the middle of the street.] MICHIRU: Oh! (Picking up the phone) Commissioner? CHIBA: Listen up! A bunch of daimons are attacking people in the park! You know what to do! HARUKA: Right, let's go! CHIBA: Wait, don't hang up yet, I love "Car Wash"! [They wait until the song is over, then get in their car and drive away. Some of the nosebleeding fanboys follow them. They reach the park and see that Mimete is up to her old tricks.] MIMETE: Oh, it's you. MICHIRU: Your nefarious ways will never prevail! MIMETE: Yeah, whatever. Get them! [Daimons begin advancing on them.] HARUKA: Watch my back, life partner! MICHIRU: You got it! [They put their backs together and begin knocking daimons for a loop, grinding their butts against each other in the process. Mimete doesn't notice, as she is doing her hair in the middle of the battlefield. But Tomoe, Mistress 9, and the rest of Witches 5 are watching through her communicator and staring wide-mouthed.] HARUKA: Cover me! MICHIRU: Me too! [They crisscross over each other's shoulders and end up with their legs scissored together, beating up each other's attackers. Soon the army of daimons has been reduced to a pile of rubble. Lying on the ground, in a suggestive dogpile, they see all the people gawking at them through Mimete's communicator.] HARUKA & MICHIRU: What's everybody looking at? EVERYBODY: Nothing! MIMETE: Huh? Oh, did we lose already? Whatever, I'll see ya. HARUKA: No you don't! Get back here, you fiend! [Mimete disappears.] MICHIRU: Well, at least we saved the day. HARUKA: That we did, special partner, that we did. MICHIRU: Now, where did we leave off? Oh, that's right! [Michiru hits Haruka in the chest with a water balloon. Haruka hits her back with one. They start having another water fight in the middle of the park, causing all the male visitors of the park to spew blood out of their noses. Scene shifts to Tomoe's lab.] TOMOE: See? I told you they were lesbians! MISTRESS 9: I didn't see anything lesbian-like. TOMOE: I think you're getting a little too used to the darkness... [Suddenly, someone new enters.] RYOGA: Hey, is this the Tendo Dojo? TOMOE: What?! Who the hell are YOU?! MISTRESS 9: (under her breath) I should give Prince Diamond a call. Ooh man, that Black Lady...what a hottie! [Tune in for next week's episode, same ambiguous time, same ambiguous channel!] The Ambiguously Lesbian Duo!
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