The Ambiguously Lesbian Duo The Ambiguously Lesbian Duo They are taking on youma, come what may They're affectionate babes from an anime They express themselves in an ambiguous way They're ambiguously gay They're ambiguously gay The Ambiguously Lesbian Duo! ***Tonight's Episode: You Couldn't Eat Your Way Out of a Cardboard Box*** [Scene opens in a dark throne room. Seated in the throne is Prince Diamond, who is surrounded by his Dark Moon minions. The door opposite Diamond's throne slides open and in walks Black Lady.] DIAMOND: Ah, Black Lady. Tell me, what news from the front? BLACK LADY: Our forces are massing, Your Highness. Soon we will be able to conquer Tokyo. The only thing that stands in our way is that insufferable duo, Haruka and Michiru! DIAMOND: Yes, they have always thwarted our plans in the past. But my latest plan will finish them once and for all! BLACK LADY: What plan, Prince? DIAMOND: We will strike against Tokyo with too many minions for them to stop, leading them to believe the only way to save their city is to stop the source of the invasion. We lure them here, and then I seduce them with my manly charms! BLACK LADY: (staring) Uh, with all due respect, Prince Diamond, I don't think that plan will work. DIAMOND: Why not? BLACK LADY: Isn't it obvious? Haruka and Michiru are *lesbians*! MINION: Yeah, I've never seen a bigger pair of lesbians! DIAMOND: What do you mean, they're lesbians? BLACK LADY: Didn't you see the last episode? The little one was riding the big one like a rocking horse! DIAMOND: No, I missed it. MINION: Aren't they also cousins or something? BLACK LADY: Oh, come on. They like Indigo Girls! DIAMOND: Liking Indigo Girls makes you gay? [Prince Diamond shifts in his throne to block his CD collection from Black Lady's view.] [Meanwhile, at a Tokyo fitness club...] MICHIRU: Work it, Haruka! HARUKA: You got it, lifetime companion! [Haruka and Michiru are wearing gray spandex body suits with bright yellow trim, blue-and-black masks over their eyes, and have a large "H" and "M" on their chests, and are currently engaged in a VERY suggestive boxing match. Twenty or thirty fanboys are watching with their mouths hanging wide open.] HARUKA: What's everybody looking at? CROWD: Nothing! [Suddenly, the phone rings. Michiru pulls it out of some unseen pocket and answers it.] MICHIRU: Hello? [Scene cuts to Commissioner Chiba's office. About half a dozen city officials are in there, looking worried. About two dozen youma can be seen in the background, chasing people and smashing things.] CHIBA: Michiru? Haruka? We've got one hell of a situation downtown! MICHIRU: What kind of situation, Commissioner? CHIBA: Youma are running around down here like it's some kind of amusement park! This must be the work of Prince Diamond! We're counting on you to break into his headquarters and stop this madness! MICHIRU: But sir, Haruka and I were in the middle of our workout! OFFICIAL: "Workout"? [Two officials make mocking kissy faces at each other. Commissioner Chiba motions for them to shut up.] CHIBA: The time for workouts is over, Michiru! Now is the time for action! If you don't do something quickly, Tokyo is finished! MICHIRU: Understood, sir. You can count on us! Michiru out. [Scene cuts back to the gym.] HARUKA: What was that? MICHIRU: It's time to go to work, 'Ruka. Let's go! [A turbo-charged car shaped like a female torso breaks through the wall and skids to a halt, scaring the crowd of gawkers away. Two breast-shaped bubble domes slide open and the two heroines jump in and blast off. Scene cuts back to Diamond's throne room.] DIAMOND: All I'm saying is that with today's media it's easy to make something *sound* gay when it's really not. BLACK LADY: Sure, but with those two? Give me a break. MINION: They make Ellen Degeneres and Anne Hesche look like Fred and Barney. DIAMOND: But do you have any *proof* they're gay? BLACK LADY: They're always hanging out in these bars that never have any men in them. DIAMOND: And how would *you* know about that, Black Lady? BLACK LADY: Hey! This isn't about ME! DIAMOND: Well, there, you see- [Suddenly, the duo's car crashes through the wall. They jump out and assume patriotic stances, surprising the Black Moon gang.] HARUKA: Prince Diamond! We demand you cease your attack on Tokyo! MICHIRU: If you don't stop, we will punish you! HARUKA: That's right, friend of friends. [Haruka pats Michiru's ass. Everyone stares.] HARUKA: What? Do I have something in my teeth? [Black Lady glares smugly at Diamond.] DIAMOND: (whispers to Black Lady) Now, just watch... (aloud, to the duo) Well, it seems you've somehow managed to find my secret headquarters. I shouldn't have underestimated a pair of lovely and intelligent ladies like yourselves. HARUKA: Flattery will get you nowhere, Dark Moon sleaze! BLACK LADY: *See*? DIAMOND: That doesn't mean anything! Youma attack! [The youma begin to close in on Haruka and Michiru. The duo fights them off with punches, kicks, and shooting lasers out of their eyes. The youma fall slowly but surely.] BLACK LADY: They're starting to win! DIAMOND: Oh yeah? Watch this! [Diamond pushes a button on a remote control-lookin' thingy and more youma appear out of thin air. Haruka and Michiru soon find themselves hopelessly outnumbered.] MICHIRU: Oh no, Haruka! There's too many of them! HARUKA: Come on, life partner, turbo spin! [Michiru lies on her back with her knees raised. Haruka puts her knees on either side of Michiru's head and puts her own head between Michiru's knees. They begin rolling around like a human tire, gaining more and more speed, until they begin knocking youma down like bowling pins. Eventually all the youma have been defeated and the duo comes out of their roll. Diamond, Black Lady and the Dark Moon generals stare, open-mouthed.] MICHIRU: Now what's everybody looking at? ALL: Nothing! DIAMOND: You haven't won yet! [Diamond pushes his button again and yet more youma appear. Haruka and Michiru are again surrounded.] HARUKA: Oh no! What do we do now? ***Tune in for next week's episode, same ambiguous time, same ambiguous channel!*** The Ambiguously Lesbian Duo!
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