“Lost and Found: emotions”
Riene Latoli sat watching the campfire carefully, her mind adrift. She was coming to terms with what had happened on the ship—being one of the few who had been present during Rachel’s unexpected outburst gave her a new perspective on the matter—and what was happening now. Being an educated woman, she presumed something had caused the genie to go ballistic and release a burst of energy that shot the crew out of the ship and onto this lonely world. She knew she had not been the only victim of this incident: Rebecca and Lyara had been forced here as well, and it took the three of them an hour to come to their senses, draw up a plausible reason for their presence there, and conclude that they would need to find their friends, if they had all made it to the same place, and do their best to survive in the meantime.
Lyara had wandered away from the camp an hour ago to stretch her psychic energy out, hoping to pick up faint traces of emotion; Rebecca was in charge of finding good and water, while Riene “got lucky” and was kept in charge of the fire. She stoked it and added twigs and brush every few minutes, but was mostly wandering in her own thoughts. She wasn’t nearly as concerned with being rescued or roughing it out in the wilderness; it was the company she had been thrust into that bothered her the most. She wanted to think she had finally come to terms with her feelings for Rebecca, but when her eyes met Lyara’s before she wandered off, a jolt of excitement stabbed her heart, and she began reliving all her fantasies. But the worst of it was that Riene also entertained the possibility that both women would treat her as their third wheel, and seclude themselves for the sake of intimacy.
If Riene was bothered, Rebecca was almost a mess. Riene was nearly ready to understand how she felt, but Rebecca still felt torn, especially since she had never received any clear signals. Deep in her heart, she did want to be with Riene—it had been a love that took hold of her at first sight, and would not let go no matter how often or how far her eyes lingered. Riene’s beauty, intelligence, class, warmth, wisdom, humility, compassion, and understanding were first and foremost in Rebecca’s thoughts, yet it was difficult fraternizing with her, simply because she had so many good traits, and Rebecca feared Riene had no interest in her. It wasn’t just that: she practically seized up whenever she was around the older woman, stricken with awe by someone who seemed so disturbingly perfect for her. The fact that she had never seriously considered herself attracted to other women before only made her bemusement worse. Being around Riene did something to her, and it frightened her, but it also made her strangely happy, like a tiny piece of her being was being fulfilled at every encounter.
Lyara was another story. She was a tough, guarded, strong-willed woman of few words, but she was also sincere, and very pretty, and surprisingly easy to get along with. Rebecca knew about the Valar’s skill, but eased into emotional comfort whenever she was around; she felt like it was okay to be vulnerable, because Lyara was good enough and wise enough to not take advantage of it. Rebecca wondered if some higher power was involved in selecting this small party for mutual survival. Did God mean to bring them together out of amusement for the conflicts that were to follow, or were they meant to settle all those difficulties? Would Lyara, Rebecca, and Riene be put through the wringer, or would they find real happiness? A lot went through her mind, you see, as she was looking for food, and she wandered back to camp in an absentminded daze, just in time to notice Lyara plopping down to rest.
“Any luck?” she asked. The elf was breathing heavily, and Riene was using one of her stockings to mop the sweat from her face.
“Sorry,” she murmured, “I couldn’t sense anybody. We’re either too far away, or we’re the only ones here. Did you find any water?”
“I…I’m sorry,” she stammered, turning pale from humiliation and guilt. Rebecca attempted to amend her mistake, and drew out an assortment of fruits. “I did find some food, though! Um, I mean, I guess it should hold you until…”
“Forget about it; I hate listening to excuses anyway.” Lyara took something that looked like a peach and numbly bit into it. Riene gave Rebecca an apologetic smile and invited her to sit down. What followed is best described as an awkward but peaceful silence: Riene and Rebecca sat next to each other, so close that their shoulders were almost touching, and Lyara was snacking quietly off to the side. It had been hard enough for the two women to speak when they were alone, but now they were with somebody they were both attracted to—someone who could read their emotions through telepathy, if she desired. It wasn’t as if they didn’t trust Lyara; it was their own frailty they had such little faith in. Finally, the elf stopped eating and decided to get the ball rolling, tired of all this dead air.
“You two are awfully quiet. I haven’t offended you, have I?”
“No, of course not, don’t be silly,” they said. “There’s just not very much to talk about.”
“So you two don’t want to get to know each other while you still can? What about me? I’m sure you have lots of questions.”
“Sure, but it’s mostly about your past, and you already said you’re a bit sensitive about that.” Lyara nodded.
“I’d rather focus on the present anyway. People who get bogged down in their own history aren’t even worth my time. Sometimes you just have to shrug all that off and start anew. I will say my life is a lot happier now, and I’m beginning to make real friends. So what about your lives, ladies? It’s only fair I ask the same question.”
“Quid pro quo,” Riene admitted, “though I’m afraid my life has been very dull up until I joined. I mostly passed my time studying diplomacy and language. I had a Merovian for a teacher, so I was very lucky.”
“That is lucky,” Lyara admitted in awe. “Merovians are the final authority in diplomacy and philology, but I never liked them. They’re even less emotional than Yuns. I don’t think I’ve ever met a single one that so much as smiled.”
“Then I suppose mine was just weird,” Riene answered blithely. “She was such a bright and happy spirit! She definitely didn’t fit the stereotype. I actually received a letter from her children not too long ago; she just recently passed away. I wanted to see her one more time, but I guess it’s not meant to be. Well, I’d at least like to put flowers on her grave. So what about you, Rebecca? Want to shed a bit of light on your previous incarnations?”
“I’m afraid I’ll only embarrass myself,” she chuckled sadly, still happy that she was finally speaking with the woman of her dreams. “My life isn’t nearly as flashy as my aunt’s. My father, you see, he…sort of ran out on my mother and me when I was still a baby. I haven’t heard from him since I was…ten, I think. He’s supposedly conducting private research on another planet. He’s some famous geneticist. What upsets me the most about it is that my mother’s apparently fine with the whole deal, and is still living on the Marlin Colony satellite over New London. I guess she’s just waiting for the old deadbeat to come back. Anyway, my aunt taught me how to take care of myself whenever my mother wasn’t available, and…there’s not much else. Someday I’d like to see my mother move out of that dump, and I’d also like to see what kind of man my father is, so I can give him a swift kick in the ribs for all the trouble he’s caused.”
“Parents can be an inconvenience,” Riene admitted with a sad smile. She was now making direct eye contact with Rebecca, and could feel a burden roll off her back, as if in that humble exploration of years gone by, they had finally crossed the obstacle that kept them from truly connecting. It was a simple, relieving, gentle moment, and the two women said nothing else, believing they had finally come to their limits. They each felt hope stirring anew in their hearts, and if Lyara had not been there, they might have released the last of their inhibitions, and kissed. But it was not to be.
“At least you two remember who your parents are,” she sighed, throwing all her cores and pits into the fire. “Ah well. There goes my piece. Break’s over!” She stood up, successfully breaking the tender moment with Elvish clumsiness, and dusted herself off. She extended both her hands and pulled the women to their feet, ready to get back to work.
“I should probably go look for some water again,” Rebecca said. She glanced between Riene and Lyara—two different possibilities laid before her, each with her own promises and problems—and filed away without another word.
“That leaves me to resume my fruitless efforts,” grunted the Valar. She smiled coolly at Riene, educing a blush. “And what are you going to do, Miss Latoli? We can’t stay here forever, you know.”
“Yes,” she answered thickly, “I just don’t know what I can do. I’m not the outdoorsy type.”
“Well, help one or the other, then. Take your time deciding.” Lyara waved and strolled away, giving Riene a rather ticklish choice. Tanith had meant for Riene to follow Rebecca, thus ensuring that they had more private time (she was no fool; she knew who they were attracted to even without her abilities), but she laid the choice down to avoid coming on too strong. Meanwhile, Riene was left alone with her selection, and her doubts, but finally she closed her eyes and solemnly began walking down her chosen path.
……
Rebecca had been walking for about a kilometer and a half before she noticed a group of animals lined up together in the distance, their heads bowed gravely as they attended what appeared to be a very religious ceremony. The predator and the prey shared a fragile coexistence in this unlikely sanctuary, united in prayer to their supreme animal god, and some of the more zealous devotees thrust their heads up in exaltation, baptizing the congregation with the blessings of their idol. As Rebecca crept closer, favoring the herbivore’s side of the chapel, she understood why so many creatures could show such fealty and love to one god, why so many were bending down in prayer, and why so many grinned as they found salvation in their works; she would even join them, once the crowd had dispersed. The bounty of the river flowed with sweet grace and life, something no atheist could argue against.
But further up from the congregation was a rather impressive pool, broad enough to swim in and deep enough to bathe in. A small but strong flow poured down from above, and sparkles flew in the air to become rainbows. She knelt down to test the pool’s temperature, and found it pleasant to the touch; it was also smooth and clear, like a mirror, and the waterfall gave refreshing, sweet water to drink and splash in. Rebecca sampled the bounty and went back to inform her friends, but was stopped short as she saw Lyara approaching her, a warm, faintly seductive smile on her face.
“Uh, did you find something?”
“No, I just wanted to make sure you got it right this time.” Her eyes narrowed playfully as they dug directly into Rebecca’s mind, giving the water a temporary glance. She removed her shoes and dipped her toes in, cast Rebecca a smirk of approval, and started to casually undress. Hill paled and took a respectable step backward. “You did well, Rebecca. Don’t be so shy. I’m not the tough ice queen everybody thinks I am. Come join me. Perhaps we could expand on our earlier conversation.”
“Um, yeah, I guess we could. I mean, if it’s all right with you.”
“Definitely,” she nodded, shedding her jacket, shirt, and bra as easily as a tree sheds its leaves in autumn. Lyara had a beautiful, silky-smooth back covered with faded scars, hinting at a time when she truly had been rougher and colder; it seemed to beckon Lady Hill. Rebecca carefully followed the older woman’s lead, breathing heavily the more she was exposed, until finally she stood bare in the open, feeling primal and united with nature, an animal force cut away from humanity’s influence, full of new
thoughts and brimming, for the first time, with raw, honest sexual energy. Things seemed to peak as Lyara cast aside all her garments, exposing but a preview of her strong, feminine body, and broke the water’s virgin surface as a shaft of light breaks through the clouds. Rebecca’s chest heaved nervously as she dipped into the pond, but her entrance was no less poetic: she felt like a maiden taking purification rites.
“Allow me, please,” Lyara said gently as she waded closer. Rebecca stood petrified—eagerly and anxiously—and watched helplessly as Lyara crossed the boundary and came within touching distance. Lyara’s head rolled to the side playfully, her exquisite bluish-white hair tossing as one of her ears drooped a notch. “Your back, I mean,” she added with a grin. “I’d like to wash it.”
“Oh. Of course.” Lyara chuckled sweetly and poured water over Rebecca’s skin, then ran her fingers through that long, enviable mane of starlight, so radiant and perfect that it must’ve been a gift from angels. Rebecca calmed down a little—Lyara’s hands were rough, but very gentle and tender—and she settled into contentment. You’ve always wanted her to do this, her conscience prodded. Admit it: you’re attracted to her. And what does it really matter if it’s Lyara or Riene? Do you really think one has an advantage over the other?
Her thoughts broke suddenly as a soft coo of pleasure floated past her lips. Lyara was embracing her from behind, hands clenched around her tummy, and was kissing her naked shoulders. Rebecca’s thoughts went blank and she subjected herself to this unexpected treatment—unexpected, but so wonderfully sublime! Her chest ached with a strange fire as she felt her breasts being gently groped, long firm fingers playing coyly with her taut nipples, lips searing hot kisses on her shoulders, neck, and jaw. Rebecca was lost in her very first sexual experience, wondering if Lyara had planned this from the beginning, wondering how long it would last, wondering how Riene would take it—or if she would even find out—and wondering, at last, as she quaked from the loving care of the Valar, whether or not she would allow this woman to pass through that final barrier. Existence itself became hazy and questions were thrown into the darkness. Rebecca indulged, because she really had wanted this, and right now, when she was so completely consumed with the fires of lust and passion, it didn’t matter who was on the other end: she would love them with all of her might.
After giving it more consideration than it deserved, Riene finally chose to accompany Rebecca. She didn’t want to give her decision another moment’s thought: she just put one foot in front of the other, and hoped she could find the white-haired maiden she yearned for (surely she didn’t have that much of a head start!). There was no more room for doubt in her heart—there couldn’t be!! She loved Rebecca; she wanted to love Rebecca; she wanted to talk with her and to be with her, to hold hands and laugh together, to go on dates and bitch about life’s unfair surprises—to sleep with her, to wake with her, to experience joy and sorrow with her, and to finish her hour on the stage alongside the woman she loved—and so, she was taking that first step, and in a very literal sense, too.
She found the stream, as new to the wilderness as she was (she didn’t just study diplomacy and languages), and she found the animals, though some were still observing their rites of sanctity. After taking a few sips in seclusion, Riene carried on for awhile, following the water in hopes that she could find civilization, or at least a sign of her friends. No doubt they would be drawn to the water as well. After marching three quarters of a kilometer, she noticed something odd perched underneath a fig tree, and ran to it, her heart leaping and her face glowing. Rebecca’s angelic white hair showed up marvelously in the world of dusty gold, faded green, and rich yellowy-brown she was now accustomed to; the young lady looked up and smiled warmly as she greeted her visitor.
“Did you follow me?” she laughed. Riene smiled sweetly—she had never been welcomed so warmly before in her life—and knelt down to recline alongside her.
“Well, yes, actually, I did. Lyara said I could follow one of you and lend you a hand, and…uh, I chose to go with you. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, I’m happy to have you.” Rebecca’s smile grew stronger, and she drew Riene close, gently gripping her hands. Riene had never felt anything so thrilling before, not even when she had almost had sex with Chandra: this left everything in the dust and opened up newer, bolder, brighter worlds. How could somebody ever transcend sex by touching hands? This revelation helped confirm, at long last, that Riene had strong feelings towards Rebecca—she was irrevocably in love with her—and nothing would stop her from crossing that final boundary. She leaned in for the kiss that Lyara had interrupted earlier, but felt the sting of a flat palm whacking her cheek for her efforts, a literal slap to the face.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Rebecca said, her voice alarmingly frosty. “I don’t think of you like that, Riene. As a matter of fact, the very idea that I could be interested in another woman is disgusting. It’s vulgar, grotesque, immoral, indecent…oh, am I hurting your feelings? And what about me? Don’t you think that I’m offended by your assumption? Do you always charge in like this whenever someone acts friendly towards you? Is that it, Riene? You know, I thought you were my friend, but it seems you’d rather be a whore. I hate you.”
Death itself could not match the hurtful sting of rejection and revulsion. Riene had feared one, but could never anticipate another. Had she really looked at things from such a warped perspective? Did she misinterpret Rebecca’s friendship so much? She never imagined her mistake could be so disastrous, and she opened her mouth to apologize, but was not given the chance: Rebecca had walked away, seething with anger and loathing. Tears came so quickly and easily that Riene collapsed, robbed of all her strength, condemned to wander in doubt and confusion, scarred by guilt, sorrowful beyond repair.
……
“I’m sorry, Lyara, but I can’t be with you like this. I can’t lie to you. I can’t lie to myself. This isn’t what I want.”
“But it’s too late to say that now. Look, see? The evidence is everywhere. The blood of your deception will never wash out, Rebecca. You could live your whole life trapped in that pond, like a helpless little fish, and you would never be clean. Now let me get this straight: you would rather be with somebody else—I can only imagine who—and yet you fucked me, and you let me fuck you. Just who do you think you are? How low are you going to sink? How many more lies are you going to tell yourself? It would be best if you didn’t change your mind, my dear. If you continue being my lover, everything will just fall into place, and you’d be able to keep your honor and your purity…or whatever is left of it.”
“You’re right. It would be easy. But I…I want to do the right thing.”
“She’ll only forsake you, you know. Just look at what you’ve become! What if she were to find out? Oh, Rebecca, I could love you just as powerfully and unconditionally as she could, and you wouldn’t have to change a thing. I am in love with you. I can be just as kind and caring as anyone. Please…I don’t want to see you hurt yourself.”
“I’m sorry, Lyara. I won’t say anything else. I hope you can forgive me for…being so cruel. I hope we can manage to get along after this. I…don’t care what you tell her, because I’m going to talk to her first. I’m going to be honest. I owe that to her at least.”
“You’ll only be hurt, Rebecca.”
“It will hurt no matter what I do. Goodbye.”
……
Lyara stood trembling in the wind, her composure in shambles, her faith shaken, her stomach raw with dread. She closed her eyes and shut herself off from the world, relaxing her arms, letting her shoulders drop, sighing until it seemed all the life had left her. She sensed a wounded soul approaching her, but remained steadfast, wanting no part in this unnecessary tragedy. In spite of her distance, frail arms found their way around her, and a mournful, heavy head laid itself on her shoulders, reddish-orange hair flapping in the wind. Lyara drew in another breath, shuddered, and reached out to comfort Riene, abandoning all the hope she had placed in her union with Rebecca.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she whispered, before she was cut off. The sobbing woman had put her lips over Lyara’s mouth, silencing her sweetly, folding herself into Lyara’s embrace as all her horrors slowly melted and were released into the air. Time was forgotten. Propriety was forsaken. Need drove them both to act in ways they would never have conceived several days ago. Lyara’s barriers were stripped away; she was being exposed for the woman she was; Riene was abandoning her inhibitions, feeding herself on the Valar’s inexperienced, unrelenting attention. Lyara’s mind went blank as cool air kissed her naked body; she felt a hot, moist tongue burrow inside of her. Lips which once seemed distant and modest suckled her bosom, forcing her to breathe heavily, to groan in an unfamiliar tongue, to black out and pass away into beautiful oblivion. She came quite hard atop the nude woman, shocked and humiliated, yet aroused and starving for more.
Riene purred in approval, laying her finger on Lyara’s bare skin, tracing slow, ticklish lines on her body, alarming her nerves and preparing her for pleasures to come. Lyara stared deep into her eyes and forced herself to come back to the real world. Riene and Rebecca had seemed so right for each other, and while it was true she had desired them both, she wanted to deny herself those pleasures, and give them to worthier lovers; she would be cast into loneliness, content with the knowledge that she had guided two star-crossed lovers back into the Garden of Paradise. She would first have to come to terms with her actions, though, and wound herself for the sake of a greater love.
This change in her sobriety brought about a completely unexpected reaction, however. She had wanted to push Riene away and atone for her harlotry, but instead, she kicked the naked woman in the chest and plunged her elbow into her bare back, flattening her to the ground. Lyara’s face exploded with righteous fury and indignation, and she hastily dressed herself as her foe stumbled back to her feet.
“What in blazes did you do that f—“
“In the name of Eru Iluvatar and the Eldar who serve Him, reveal your true form, blasphemer!” she cried in Valari. An irresistible force overwhelmed Riene, stronger than a hurricane and more potent than all the passions, and she screamed in defeat as her skin cracked and broke, like the shell of an egg. What emerged from this casing was a creature distinctly different than Riene, a being that, through the arts of deception, could impersonate any intelligent creature. Her cry had been so loud, it attracted Rebecca, who was still dripping wet and only half-dressed, and the real Riene, who was aghast with trauma (being dispatched by an apparent Rebecca impersonator was bad enough, but encountering her a few minutes later, in the state she was in, pushed her over the edge). She was in no condition to discover that a doppelganger had been in their company, least of all one who had seduced and destroyed them in succession, and was completely unstable. Her only saving grace was the presence of
all-powerful hatred, a feeling they all shared—but the one thing even more prominent was the stab of betrayal.
The doppelganger’s name was Changera, and once upon a time, she had been a member of the crew.
“Don’t tell me…” Rebecca gasped. Lyara managed to catch her breath (the magic she cast took its toll), and confirmed her suspicions.
“It seems this woman has been hard at work trying to obliterate us through the worst means possible, though I don’t know why. So, old friend, what’s your angle?” Changera glared—she was plastered with pieces of her old skin, hideous and deformed—and snarled, lashing at them wildly. She broke through their trap and flew away, sprinting across the veldt on all fours like a feral monster from primordial mythology, and was soon beyond the horizon. The three women left staggering in her wake collapsed, feeling disgusted and defiled, and drew together to embrace and weep, no longer sure of anything except the malleability of truth and fiction.
Preview of next chapter
Lyara: So let me get this straight: even though Becky and I both got laid, it wasn’t with the people we thought we were having sex with.
Riene: Goodness, no! And all the while you two have been fooling around with that shape-shifter, I’ve been going through the eighth circle of Hell! I…I feel so violated…
Rebecca: Ssh, it’s okay, you know we’d never do that to you, honey…
Riene: You mean SCREW WITH MY MIND, or screw with…me?
Rebecca: Um……
Lyara: Uh…HEY LOOK, IT’S A DEMONIC DUCK OF SOME SORT!
Riene: Where?!
Rebecca and Lyara: Yoing! they run far away
Riene: …Ugh, I can’t believe I fell for that. Hopefully, nobody gets screwed in the next chapter, “The Solo Journey: overcoming obstacles alone?” Hey, you two could’ve at least stuck around until the end of the previews!
Rebecca: (absent)
Lyara: (also absent)
Riene: …HEY, ARE YOU TWO MAKING OUT BEHIND MY BACK?! Why didn’t I get invited?
Rebecca: actually playing Candy Land with Lyara
Lyara: losing
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