“Space race: drifting”
We depart from Hagan 6 quickly and continue on our journey. We depart because we are in a hurry, and because we do not want to put the generosity of Aseria’s father to waste. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why he would want to sponsor us when there’s already a Sindar in the race, but I suppose it’s the difference between his duty and his daughter, and as much of an Emperor as he may be, his family will forever come first. I have been hearing Aseria say that we should visit her home world once this race is over—once Amy has fulfilled her promise to Naja, I mean—because she has obligations to fulfill and people to keep in touch with. There’s also the prospect of unimaginable treasures hidden throughout her world, buried by earth and water and time, forgotten by all save a tiny elect. She has family there, our Aseria, and they are eagerly awaiting her return. I envy her for that.
The Dauntless is traveling through the Hagan system at speeds close to light itself. I had thought such a concept was beyond the scope of physics, pushed far into the reaches of science-fantasy stories, with their warp speeds and hyperdrives, but it turns out that light is not the absolute; one can exceed it, providing they have the capabilities and the constitution for it. Breaking such a barrier is an enormous strain on any vessel: its mass becomes infinite, and speed itself loses all meaning. I’m not well-versed in Einstein’s theory, though—I just know that we’re going incredibly fast, and we only slow down when there’s a risk of collision. Even so, it’s taking us hours to move from one checkpoint to another, and since I’m not essential to keep the ship running, I have lots of time on my hands.
I’ve taken to writing a personal journal during these moments. I’d like to keep these memories once the journey is over; I feel like I’m going to learn something from them. I have almost forgotten why I even signed up. Can you believe it was on a whim? I wanted to explore the galaxy, to see strange sights, to exercise my skills, find my fortune, and learn as much as I could, but those early stages seem so blurry now, compared to the dull monotony of our drifting. I suppose that’s an unfair statement: it’s never dull here. I guess you could say we are all “busy doing nothing”, slowly going insane as our duties run dry and our desires begin to take real shape. I’ve been studying new languages for the most part, trying to crack the code of intelligent communication. My old teacher said that it was “all a matter of the heart”, and once I comprehended the true intention of any species, I wouldn’t even need to use languages—I could simply speak in Language itself. Well, that’s what she taught me. I’m afraid I’m not much closer to understanding what she meant.
There are so many mysteries about this alien vessel and her crew, so perhaps I should occupy myself with cracking them. I’ve begun to lose concern for the outside world, anyway—these people don’t need me for a race, and I’m still a touch uncomfortable with some of the women around here. They make me feel giddy; their eyes dig beneath the barriers I’ve erected and touch the secret corner of my being. I don’t even know why I have these fantasies about other women—I guess it’s just a bizarre sort of excitement, or a dream I dared to cultivate. We’re all guilty of imagining ourselves as someone in distress being saved by a strong, reliable person—or just the opposite, a strong person in search of one who needs our rescue. Maybe this unusual sensation I’ve been carrying around inside of me is the biggest mystery of them all. It’s not wrong to be attracted to a strong person, but when they’re the same gender as you…
Come on, Riene, don’t think about that. You’re not on Earth anymore and you’ve got your freedom. Why are you feeling remorseful now? You’ve moved past all that; you’ve got the
entire universe to spread your wings in. But I still feel trapped, and by a cage of my own design. I let myself out once, when Chandra seduced me, but that experience frightened me. I let myself surrender to her and it wasn’t anything like I had hoped. She was the wrong person for me; I couldn’t even bear to touch her. I want someone who can protect me and carry me. I want someone who’s not afraid to use a little force when they make love to me. I want to distance myself as far as possible from my old life. I want to find someone whose heart I can understand completely.
I once thought that Rebecca could be that person, and I really wanted her to fill that role. She was strong and independent, but also very kind and warm, and achingly beautiful to look at. She has this irresistible angelic aura about her, and yet she can be so ordinary at times that I almost feel brave enough to approach her, and stroke her face, and lose myself in her arms. But I still don’t know. Am I infatuated, or in love? Do I care about Rebecca specifically, or will any body do? If she and I are “right” for each other, why is it so hard to approach her? Last night, I took a walk around the ship with Kate, and we talked for a bit and had dinner together. She was the kind of person I could find myself in love with, but she was distracted, and only seemed to tolerate me out of politeness. I couldn’t really blame her. I’m not that special.
I also scheduled a date with Satine. I definitely have a crush on her, and she’s much easier to approach and talk to than Rebecca. I feel so uncomfortable and awkward when I’m around that woman, but with Satine, I can really be myself. I can feel open and vulnerable, and even weak, and she’d still smile at me and pester me with questions. Maybe it’s her doggish heritage, but she’s interested in just about anything I can tell her, and the way her tail wags whenever I reveal something new is just too adorable! She’s a martial artist, you know, and she could probably hold her own with Lil, but she’s so pretty and feminine, like a dashing maiden-knight glowing with love. We haven’t spoken since we first met on Hagan 6, but she’s in my thoughts a lot, up to the point where I’m distracted from my daily chores. But like I said, we don’t have anything to do here, so my mind can afford to wander.
And yet…no matter how far it goes, or who else I dream about, it always returns to Rebecca Hill. I just can’t get her out of my mind, no matter what I do. It’s not as if we’re close, or that we’ve even spoken that much. I feel dangerously unfamiliar when I’m near her, as if I’ve left the mind of Riene Latoli and became someone else. But whenever we do spend time together, things just seem to fall into place. Even though I really don’t say too much, I feel those words can be sincere, if not honest, and I genuinely enjoy myself. I’ve caught her looking my way a few times, but she always casts her face aside, as if she’s scared or ashamed. Am I making her feel like a stranger in her own body as well? Should I even consider that she feels the same undeniable attraction that I do? I really don’t think anything will come of it, though. She’s spending a lot of time with Lyara, and they seem to connect well. How could I be jealous, I have to laugh, when I’ve caressed that rough beauty with my own eyes more than once! Ahh, such a complicated series of relationships…
……
I grew up believing that space was empty, cold, lonely, and vast, and for the longest time, I had no choice but to trust that. I had merely gazed, and studied, and read, and imagined—I had never actually experienced what lies beyond all those atmospheres. Drifting around,
occasionally dodging an enthusiastic rival, has opened my mind to a new perspective—but even this is only a fraction of the true knowledge I’ve gleaned from my adventures. Space is vast, of course, but I don’t feel anything empty or lonely about it. You may think I only say this because I’m surrounded by people (who could leave anytime they wanted), but it’s during my quiet times, when I’m reflecting in the tub, the bed, or the library, that I feel warmest and most comfortable.
I recall one instance where several members of the crew heard music during flight. The Dauntless has a public announcement system and a radio that broadcasts messages from outside and within, but this instance—and the instances that have followed since—was completely unlike anything I have ever heard. There was no melody or tempo or even any familiarity to the music: it was sporadic and haunting and so, so, so quiet, you had to hold your breath and be perfectly still. But it was warm, too, and it made you feel like you were surrounded by life. You could say that “space” itself is a lie, and that there isn’t nothing out here—it’s full of life. The ancients were right to call them the Heavens; I’ve gone through experiences during my many moments of solitary silence that would prove all of science wrong. It is in planets and worlds where life can flicker out and die; they are not islands but breaks in continuity, and beyond their borders are wonders, not some heartless void.
I’ve also learned a lot about our adversaries during this race, and I’ve also learned a little about the galaxy in general. Satine Yeriman—“Sati” to her friends—is one of the nicest, fairest people around, and she’s a good rival. I really don’t think she cares about winning. To her, this race is just for fun. I was also surprised to find the Heavyworld racer was such a gallant man. He looks like a thug, but he’s as gentle as a rabbit, and he comes to other people’s rescue without a thought to his own position. The Dead Roses practically threw themselves at him after he saved them from annihilation! They also fawned over the young Lord Demise, which isn’t much of a surprise, considering how rich, precocious, and childishly cute he is. He’s a bit of a pervert, sure, but you can’t bring yourself to hate him.
Aseria told me that same-sex relationships are fairly common on Alfheim, so it didn’t come as a shock to her when she met Arileth Naiis and his male lover at the next checkpoint. I tried not to eavesdrop on their conversation (they spoke in Sindari), but I couldn’t resist the opportunity to exercise my fluency, or to see if I could pick up any juicy gossip! Shame on me! Naja also ran into an old “acquaintance” while we were resting there, and had a spat with her right in front of everybody. The Elshyrin apparently do not consider the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of other species when they talk—indeed, they take great pride in shaking people up—but still, I wish they at least found a private room to vent all their frustrations. The other Elshyrin, a desperate-looking woman called Saki Yrhol, had been sent by Naja’s family to drag her back, and forced Naja to agree that if her ship didn’t make it in the top four, she could head straight home. I know that Naja’s reluctant to go back, and as antagonistic as she is, a part of me wants to help out. Not even she deserves to do something against her will.
Vimmy was appalled to discover the Opportune Rain was one of our sworn opponents, but unlike Saki or the criminals from Rennai, there was no clear reason for such belligerence. In so many words (why does that little creature ramble on so much?), she deduced that they couldn’t be bribed to work against us, so the only logical conclusion she could offer was that they had struck a business deal with somebody else, and our delay or destruction had been included in the contract. The Norgrim can be even more vicious than the Elshyrin if the benefits
are good enough; even Vimmy isn’t exclusive, since she’s dabbled in disreputable services before. She did try to justify the Rain’s aggression, saying that she might’ve done the same if she found a deal good enough, but then spouted something about virtue and fair play, and that’s when I left the room. What a load of crap.
I was careful to watch out for the Backdraft and Die Fliegende Hollander. We had every reason to fear them both—one because we had seen far too much of it, and the other because we have not seen nearly enough. As race updates come in, the position of the top five competitors changed constantly, but I never heard so much as a whisper of the Hollander. It was as evasive and ghostly as its legendary counterpart, but those I talked to about this just shrugged and told me I was thinking too much.
“It’s really not surprising, considering you don’t have much to do,” Allegra told me. She was reclining in the main lounge, flipping through all the television stations that reached this far. “We’ve all been forced to wrestle with our thoughts. That’s why ya can’t get too comfortable, or else they’re liable to catch up with you. Why don’t’cha help out Becky in the kitchen? I’ve been workin’ out so I don’t turn into a stuffed goose, n’ so I earned this break.”
“In other words, make yourself useful or you’ll regret it?” Allegra winked and tipped her hat.
“Exactly.” I had been looking for an excuse to get close to Rebecca, and working together in the kitchen sounded like a good idea. Even so, I discovered I was preparing myself for what felt like an important event that could only happen once in my life. We had just completed the hellish Hagan 2 checkpoint (where our brave pilots were forced to touch down on a volcanic world rich in minerals), so our shelves were stocked and supplies were abundant. The kitchen was exactly the way I thought it would be: I didn’t trust myself to be alone with Rebecca, so I didn’t want us to be the only ones there, but I didn’t want too many people spying and crowding us—it was perfectly populated. I was seized by a twinge of grief as I saw Becky working close together with Lyara, smiling and talking quite openly, and for a moment I wanted to run off and avoid a confrontation. But that would be silly; I don’t dislike Lyara, and I certainly don’t envy any relationship she may have. I had to remind myself that she was also growing closer to Sharyn, and finicky fool that I am, I was infatuated with her as well.
“Need any help?” I asked them softly. I wanted to be friendly, but I felt like I was butting in on their privacy. Rebecca gave me a cautious expression that was quickly masked by a watery smile; Lyara’s greeting was mellower.
“Why not? You can’t be any worse than Kyrie or Chandra.”
“Chandra’s actually a splendid cook,” Rebecca pointed out as I donned apron and gloves, “it’s just that she’s unaccustomed to serving large crowds. You know, she tried to seduce me when we went on our date. At least my appetite was satisfied.”
“Oh, you two went out on a date?” I asked teasingly. Both women rolled their eyes.
“I think we all have, even me,” Lyara muttered. “That woman tries too hard. She should just focus all her attention on one individual, instead of spreading herself out like this.”
“Mmn, Chandra would break down if she tried that,” Rebecca stated as she started to grill fish and vegetables. “From what my aunt told me, pleasure units weren’t built for monogamy.”
“Are they really just robots made to look and act human?” I asked. Neither Rebecca nor Lyara seemed to know that one, but luckily we had authorities in the room with us. Eve and Kyrie had been eating together and exchanging techno-babble pleasantries when they overheard our conversation and offered their wisdom.
“Actually, only one out of ten artificial humans is what you might call a machine—an
engine formed out of metal and other inorganic materials, and they’re only used for the harshest tasks, such as exploring worlds with no atmosphere, collecting data on hazardous planets, zero-g experiments, things like that. Some are just very advanced cyborgs—people who were born human but had artificial implants and things like that. I guess I’d fall into that category.”
“What about people like Herut and Chandra?”
“They’re unique examples,” Kyrie said. “From what my grandmother and mother told me, some artificial humans are actually salvaged embryos. Let’s say a baby is stillborn, or is miscarried. Sometimes people can take the base of that entity and enhance it through intricate bio-mechanical implants. There are also people who…let’s say, for some reason, are pushed to the brink of death, and only ‘certain medical procedures’ can help them. I’ve even heard of a few constructs that have a nano-machine exterior around their basic human frame.” Lyara stared at Rebecca and me for a moment and flung her hand over her head, gesturing that this was beyond her understanding.
“This sounds scary,” I shivered. “So do you think they would fall under any of these categories?”
“Who knows?” Eve muttered. “You’d be better off asking them yourself, although I doubt they’d be willing to talk about it. Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass whether you were born as flesh or metal. I’ve learned in my line of work that if it can think and has feelings, it’s a person.” She sipped at her drink and wouldn’t say anything else. It was easier interacting with Rebecca now that I had something darker to think about--probably because it was difficult noticing her. I do remember smiling at her, though, and she definitely smiled back, if only to clear away all the rubbish that had built up. Behind that simple gesture was the ray of Pandora’s hope.
……
Pretty soon we would be reaching “the point of no return”, when the race transforms from a playful contest into a serious contest of wills. The very next checkpoint orbits Hagan’s star, and the other three are a gauntlet of every intense situation ever conceived: asteroids, the deep ocean, a frozen world out in the middle of nowhere, and endless stretches of darkness in between. Naja brought us into this, but it’s the duty of every crewmember to commit herself to the rest of the race, and it was well within our right to be prepared. We docked on the dark side of a small planet just outside Hagan’s deadly orbit, and spent a few hours resting and gathering our supplies. We saw a few of our fellow racers, and even befriended a few—Sati, for example, who actually asked me out on a date. I didn’t know what to expect when I accepted her proposal, but I wanted to believe I was prepared for anything.
Have you ever been so far into the country that no trace of electric light ever reaches you? And have you ever been that deep when the sun goes out, the clouds float away, and hundreds of thousands of stars burst like fireworks frozen in the sky? This is exactly what Sati and I saw as we drove out in our shuttle, and even with our spacesuits on and our words garbled by the mechanical transmissions, we couldn’t help but be blown away by the majestic spectacle. It is fifty times better with the sun directly behind the planet: everything is lit up as if it were made exclusively for you. We could not stay outside long, but that fleeting moment was more than enough to lift our spirits and give us the focus we needed for the final leg. It had all been
worth it just to see that. Sati and I didn’t say anything as we got out of our suits and made our way to the cafeteria; we just looked at each other and understood. She floated by and gave me a quick kiss on my mouth before opening the door for me.
Preview of next chapter
Rebecca: Okay, let’s see if we can get this straightened out. I have a thing for Riene and Lyara.
Lyara: And I have a thing for you and Sharyn.
Riene: I like Becky, Lyara, Sharyn, Sati, Mink, Yenae, Alala…
Sharyn: Whereas mine heart yearneth for Allegra and Fuuka.
Kate: Hey, I like Allegra.
Athena: And Fuuka’s mine.
Mink: Um…I like Shana…
Alala: Now that I think about it, Kaori’s really hot!
Yenae: And me…well, I think everybody knows!
Shana: Even though our hearts yearn for different people, we all have two things in common! First, we all like Amy.
Naja: I guess.
Shana: And second, we’ll be fighting for our lives in the next chapter!
Naja: Yee-haw! And thank the gods, too! I’m getting tired of this soap opera, crap!
Amy: Please stay tuned when I fight off all my admirers in, “Space Race: pursued by an inferno!” Wait, does Derian have a thing for me, too?
Eve: (staring at a picture of the Jackal) My precioussss…
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