“The Great Cooking Wars: I am the undefeated cooking champion!”
Ever since the crew was shorn in half following the mission to Bibliopolis, there had been an abundance of empty rooms on the ship, which was fortunate for Marsa Rosemont, who had to charter one final voyage on the Dauntless. She picked out a fairly nice room which quickly accommodated itself to her humble tastes, and rested inside as she was escorted back home. She was reluctant to hire the Ozmund Company, and didn't trust any of the smaller businesses—lately there had been an increase in raids and pirate activity. Staying here gave her a chance to mingle with more interesting people anyway, even if most of them were sporting a darker shade of gray. As she was resting on the journey back, somebody came knocking at her door, and for awhile she thought it was Alala. She made a face and took a reflexive step back as she saw the Acheron twins peering at her instead, but gradually composed herself.
"You startled me. Is there something I can do for you?" The girls took turns informing her, their personalities bleeding through each sentence: short and quiet for Kay, personal and rough for Tee.
"Dr. Miracle is asking for your presence. Well, it seems that since you're such a special guest, and this is your last trip with us, we've decided to send you off right. There's a cooking contest being held in your honor. It's more like Riene's idea of settling an argument—we just want you to be a judge. Chandra is listed as a chef, but lately she's been neglecting her duties. Yeah, she even made a pass at us—not that I'm complaining. Anyway, Fuuka and Rebecca have been assuming her duties. This apparently made her believe she was losing what little value she has! That's basically where we are, but several other women are joining in. And we want you to help decide who's really the best. We've been selected to be judges as well. Probably because it'd be almost impossible to please us both!"
"I see," she replied quietly. It had been difficult keeping up with both of them. "It sounds fun. When does it start?"
"Dr. Miracle has requested your presence immediately. We've gotten everyone else together." Marsa rose out of her chair and followed the twins to the dining room.
"So who will be competing?"
"Rachel and Vimmy will announce that later. They've volunteered to be commentators for this little show. They were quite insistent."
"I guess they can answer all my other questions."
The dining room and the kitchen of the Dauntless had been tricked out just for this occasion. The spectators—those who would neither be cooking nor judging—were seated in the dining room, three or four women to a table, and were promised sample dishes from the top two winners. A rectangular table was set between the dining room and the kitchen, and it was here that Marsa and the twins sat down, next to the other two judges. The kitchen itself was divided into six segments, with every practical appliance and ingredient ready for the contestants. Only a master chef could possibly recognize such a wide variety of tools and tastes; to the casual observer, it looked like a silvery river of pans and plates, and a rainbow of colors and tastes. Once Marsa and the Acheron twins had settled in, the lights blacked out for a moment before two spotlights shined down on the energetic hosts.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen--I mean, ladies and OTHER ladies, to the very first annual Great Cooking Wars: I am the undefeated cooking champion! We are your fashionable and upbeat hosts, Rachel the genie..."
"And Vimmy Fonester, a professional entrepreneur who has sampled dishes from all over the galaxy, my palate is too sophisticated for today's event, so I've graciously stepped aside as judge, even though I did sponsor this event and possess all right to measure the value of its contestants, but I digress, I am here as Rachel's co-host, let's get the good times rolling, shall we?"
"(Psst, Vimmy!)" Rachel whispered. "(You're boring them to death! Just keep it short and simple!)"
"But that's impossible for a woman of my position and influence, don't you see, I have to express everything I can as quickly as possible to achieve maximum dominance over my adversaries, it's a common trait in my people and it's something we're all taught to excel at, you can't expect me to forget a lifetime of teaching just like that, but I digress once more, these good people have come to see a contest, I think we should get things started, don't you agree?"
"Completely!" Rachel groaned. "First off, I'd like to introduce our six brave contestants! Hailing from Vulcannis, a Pyrosian with a penchant for fire and creating wacky machines, it's Kyrie Lastgear!"
"Next comes my faithful servant Mink, a Yun from the planet Joff, and even I cannot describe all her wonderful traits, but suffice to say she's earned a place on this roster, and I dare say she'll prove more than capable of holding her own!"
"Coming up next, the sexy, sweet, sisterly doctor of the Dauntless, Athena's main squeeze and a rabid anime fanatic, Dr. Fuuka 'Fuji-san' Fujiwara!"
"Yes, and next we have a heavyworlder from Utopia, it's a rather nasty planet so you know she can fend for herself, would everybody please give it up for Kate Shepherd, don't let her looks deceive you, she's actually a nice girl once you get to know her, just not very rich, so she's not worth MY time!"
"Next we have the ship's sweetheart, that angelic weapons modifier from New London who once saved her own life through the power of cooking, give it up for Rebecca Hill!""Finally, we have a nymphomaniac who honestly can't go five minutes without undressing, flirting, or having sex with SOMEONE, lord knows she's proposed a session with me, and I just may take her up on her offer, erm, if business allows, but now she's the current head cook and the main reason we've all gathered here, you know her, you love her, unless you're Herut, it's Chandra!"
The spectators and judges all clapped enthusiastically as the six chefs took their positions; some even whistled. Rachel could easily fill a room with energy, and in spite of her long-winded speeches, Vimmy was entertaining to watch as she bounced around gesturing and chattering. The spotlights then fell upon the four judges, whom the hosts introduced next.
"A contest of this proportion calls for a handpicked group of judges who will fairly gauge the quality, appearance, and satisfaction of each dish. Vimmy and I have scoured the Dauntless long and hard, and we've come up with four of the most discerning minds and mouths around! First off is Aseria Tolath, the Sindar from Alfheim. She's a very high-bred person who prefers elegant dishes in small portions, but her favorite is Sindarin Azoth."
"Next we have Herut the maintenance unit, one would think an artificial human would have no need for taste, but Herut is quite a distinguished food critic in her spare time, why she criticizes Chandra all the time, plus we can't overlook the fact that she's become very popular recently, and so as far as this ship's concerned, her word may as well be law!""Our next special judge is Kayleigh and Teleah Acheron, the twin pilots of the Dauntless! They don't interact with the rest of the crew so much, but they've saved our tails a number of times, so we owe them our gratitude! With two distinct personalities and a single stomach between them, our contestants will have to be very creative in order to satisfy their tastes!"
"Finally, we have our special guest judge, the former high priestess of Tigris and a universally revered woman, the Lady Marsa Rosemont, who we met on Tigris as Alala's mother was married and who hired us to ferry her to Rajani, where we experienced our usual brand of wacky hijinks, all thanks to her for this time she is contributing—HOORAY!"
"Stop, you're embarrassing me," Marsa grinned. The lights drew away from the judges back to the hosts, who would now explain the rules of the contest.
"Now that we have introduced our brave contendors and the people who hold their destinies in their mouths—“ (Let the record reflect that Chandra perked up when she heard that) "—we'll now go over the rules! Our six contestants have just ninety minutes to make a three-course meal! APPETIZER! MAIN DISH! DESSERT! When making these classic meals, the tastes of the judges must be taken into consideration. Time is a factor, and with six rivals, ingredients will be scarce!"
"I've been told the last place loser has to clean the entire kitchen for a week, while the first place winner gets to be head chef for a whole month, so please take all that into consideration, and Chandra has also asked me to tell everyone that she will probably seduce the winner, unless she has won first place, in which case she will seduce everyone, so keep this in mind as well."
"Damned if we do and damned if we don't, huh?" Kyrie muttered.
"Can't you be optimistic for once?" Chandra grinned.
"It's not the act I loathe, but the principle."
"But that's the sexiest part!!"
"Can we continue, please?" said Rachel. Since Kyrie's face stayed red even when she blushed and Chandra had no shame to speak of, their expressions stayed the same as they let the commentators do their job. "Thanks so very kindly. Now, contestants! To your stations! This contest begins in TEN SECONDS!!"
"I really wasn't made to rush," Fuuka sighed as she hurried to her post. The audience counted down the seconds with fanatic zeal; Chandra wondered if it would be morally permissible to cheat just to win first place. Then again, she'd be happy even if she lost: all five of her rivals were incredible beauties and would no doubt be vixens in the bedroom.
"Three...two...one...GO!!"
……
"Looks like our contestants are off to a slow start, Vimmy."
"Yes that's right, except for Mink who is always so punctual and precise, she's really a darling, but I'm afraid her knowledge of dishes is very limited, while I've no doubt she's a good cook, she's never disappointed me, the fact remains that she has very little experience outside the simpler meals, and this might be her only weakness, the others stand a good chance if they can exploit this."
"You mean all that time working for you and she never learned to cook anything complex?"
"Well—no, Rachel, not at all, but—I'm quite embarrassed to say this—I never gave her a chance to, all her meals were superlative, now Chandra is in a league of her own, I fear she'll give my Mink a run for her money."
"That's right, folks. If you're just tuning in, the pleasure unit known as Chandra prefers creating intimate dinners and has a vast knowledge of French cuisine. She's also skilled at a wide variety of desserts, although to be fair, she uses this knowledge in sexual foreplay..."
"I do love a hot fudge sundae," Chandra said. "Especially if it's slathered all over a beautiful woman!"
"That's what we call 'too much information' in the business world," Vimmy muttered. "But I have to admit, making meals for large groups is not Chandra's forte, if she was making dinner for two, she'd be unbeatable, now what do you think of Kate and Kyrie, dear Rachel, do they stand a chance against their competitors?"
"Kate's skill is average at best, but she works quickly and she seems to know what other people like. Growing up in a rough neighborhood has made her very independent, so while the others might go a little slower, she can handle pretty much any job on her own. As for Kyrie, well..."
"BURN, BABY, BURN!! I can't believe I get to play with so much fire! Things are really starting to heat up in here! Gaah, I'm so happy, I'm ranting in clichés! Turn the ovens on full blast and open up the boilers! Bwahahahahahahaaaaaa!!"
"The proof, as they say, is in the pudding," Rachel sighed. "We'll be lucky if the kitchen doesn't burn down!"
"But you can't neglect her inventiveness, she could just as easily create better appliances and have them do the work for her, why even an idiot can make a decent meal if they have top-notch tools, so what is your opinion of Fuuka, hmm?"
"She's not very assertive," Rachel pointed, "but people respect her. She's very quiet, and yet she can get people to listen. Athena has rated her cooking as 'excellent', and we all know how difficult she is to please."
"But she and Athena are lovers, she's biased, Fuuka is a doctor and not a chef, she couldn't have mastered two occupations, not in her lifetime, I've no doubt she'd good but let's face it, she's slow and too methodical, she doesn't put enough love in her dishes, and I believe the otaku in her will be her undoing."
"I can hear you," Fuuka muttered. She smiled to herself and said, "This is just like that episode of Mai Hime. I hope we're not attacked by any cake monsters—and speaking of cake..."
"It looks like Fuuka is starting on her dessert already!" Rachel exclaimed. "We all know that if you do that, you'll just spoil your appetite. Does the same apply to cooking as well?"
"We'll find out later, let's not neglect Rebecca, remember she did save her own life by cooking an exceptional meal, and you know these pirate warlords, they're nearly impossible to satisfy, do you think she should trade in her bounty hunter's license for an apron and spatula, I heard her mother's a waitress, maybe that sort of thing runs in the family, but her weakness seems to be other women."
"That's right, Vimmy, and Chandra has pulled out her ultimate weapon! She's taken off all her clothes and is wearing only an apron! Will Rebecca be distracted? Will Fuuka force her to wear an OSHA-approved uniform? Will Kyrie violate everything in an orgy of flames and destruction? I CAN'T STAND THE SUSPENSE!!"
"But it seems their first meal is ready to be tested, with an hour to spare for the other two dishes, can our contestants accomplish this difficult task, and can they win the approval of the judges, let's see what they think right now!" And so, feeling so very left out, the judges quietly ate the appetizers the contestants had made, and rated them according to their individual tastes.For Kyrie's burnt clams...Marsa: tastes as bad as it smells. Zero.Kay and Tee: could not get a single bite down. Zero.Herut: Unfit for consumption. Zero.Aseria: crispy on the outside, crispier on the inside. One.For Mink's garden salad...Marsa: a surprising flavor and zing that penetrates my soul and sends shivers down my spine. However, it's not very original. Four.Kay and Tee: perfect with every bite. Five.Herut: Excellent! Five.Aseria: I had no idea something so simple could be this magnificent! Five.For Fuuka's shrimp-fried rice...Marsa: this woman definitely knows how to make rice! Five.Kay and Tee: definitely fulfilling, and the flavor is great. Four.Herut: Good. Three.Aseria: delightful to look at, but average in the mouth. Three.For Kate's pigs in a blanket...Marsa: I only eat white meat. One.Kay and Tee: parts of it were still cold; the rest felt dry and flaky. Two.Herut: Not bad. Two.Aseria: this is a joke, right? One.For Rebecca's sushi...Marsa: a wonderful, colorful variety. Five.Kay and Tee: disgusting. Zero.Herut: Not bad. Two.Aseria: delectable. I wish I had more. Five.For Chandra's foccaccia dip...Marsa: the bread was just how I like it, while the dip complimented it perfectly. Five.Kay and Tee: should spend less time flirting and more time in the kitchen. Three.Herut: I hate to admit it, but…great! Four.Aseria: a pedestrian meal that left me feeling empty. Two.
“An interesting way to start off this competition, don’t you think?”
“Yes, I agree Rachel, these judges clearly know what they’re looking for and they expect these competitors to take the contest seriously, hmm, it seems Mink is in the lead so far, I told you she was exceptional, her specialty is ordinary dishes, hmm, but it seems Kyrie was a little too enthusiastic with the fire, yes, and burnt everything she had, what a shame!”
“I’d have to agree with you, Vimmy, and it also seems that Kate’s a little out of her element. She used comfort food as an appetizer, and what’s worse, she didn’t completely cook it! You have to wonder what she was thinking, using frozen food like that.”
“Yes, but our judges are not a forgiving group, and speaking of which, now it seems they’re ready to deliver the main course, I wonder what new surprises our aspiring chefs will bring out now, and will they find favor with our elite critics, let’s watch!”
For Kyrie’s burnt chicken…
Marsa: is she trying to lose? Zero.
Kay and Tee: blackened all the way through, but not in a good way. Zero.
Herut: Unfit for consumption…again. Zero.
Aseria: not nearly as nutritious as the plate she served it on. Zero.
For Mink’s stew…
Marsa: a heavenly treat. Mink has somehow drawn out every molecule of flavor from these humble dishes and created a masterpiece—but once again, it’s not original. Four.
Kay and Tee: scrumptious. Perfect once again. Five.
Herut: Excellent! Five.
Aseria: made me consider stealing her away from Vimmy. Five.
For Fuuka’s grilled salmon…
Marsa: delectable and wonderful to look at. Every bite was remarkable. Five.
Kay and Tee: perfect, perfect, perfect. Easily a rival for Mink. Five.
Herut: Great. Four.
Aseria: she’s exceeded my expectations. Five.
For Kate’s lasagna…
Marsa: not outstanding, but definitely great. Four.
Kay and Tee: overcooked in a few places. Three.
Herut: Excellent! Five.
Aseria: pitiful. Cat food would have been better. One.
For Rebecca’s Lifesaver, Junior…
Marsa: the dish she used to save her life lives up to my expectations. Five.
Kay and Tee: the dish that tamed Gallows McGirk and our appetite. Five.
Herut: Good. Three.
Aseria: I really don’t see what the big deal is. Three.
For Chandra’s foie gras…
Marsa: too dry for my taste. Two.
Kay and Tee: the presentation was VERY nice; the food was a letdown. Three.
Herut: Disgusting. One.
Aseria: a delight for all six senses. Five.
“Oh! Once again, Kyrie tanks out! It looks like the judges have already picked out their favorites!”
“Yes, and once again I must sing the praises of my wonderful Mink, she really is a great chef, but it is sad she can’t make complicated dishes, but who cares, she beat everybody else, well, maybe not, Fuuka and Rebecca are proving themselves very worthy rivals, one can only wonder what the final round will hold!”
“It looks like we’ll just have to wait and see. Well, there’s the bell, so now all chefs must stop whatever they’re doing and present their final dishes. Will the judges favor their desserts any differently? Will someone pull out an unlikely victory? And when will the rest of us be fed?”
For Kyrie’s S’mores…
Marsa: FINALLY, Kyrie got something right! The wait was worth it. Five.
Kay and Tee: we thought she was joking, but it turns out this girl can really cook. Five.
Herut: Excellent! Five.
Aseria: too sweet for my taste. Three.
For Mink’s blueberry pie…
Marsa: flaky crust, tender filling bursting with juice, and the splash of lemon was a surprise. Still unoriginal, but who cares? Five.
Kay and Tee: Mink clearly has a gift for simple dishes. Five.
Herut: Excellent! Five.
Aseria: nothing was lacking. Five.
For Fuuka’s sacher torte…
Marsa: perfectly bittersweet, but a bit dry. Three.
Kay and Tee: made us consume more milk than we’re used to. Four.
Herut: Good. Three.
Aseria: a perfect blend of bitterness and sweetness. Five.
For Kate’s mint ice cream…
Marsa: pretty good for hand-made. Four.
Kay and Tee: her only exceptional dish in the lineup. Four.
Herut: Excellent! Five.
Aseria: boring, bland, and uninspiring. One.
For Rebecca’s sherbet and wafers…
Marsa: delightful! Five.
Kay and Tee: Rebecca has great potential. Four.
Herut: Great. Four.
Aseria: a very classy dish that made me want more. Five.
For Chandra’s crepes…
Marsa: the chef was clearly distracted when she made this. Two.
Kay and Tee: melts right in your mouth. Five.
Herut: I loathe to admit it, but…excellent! Five.
Aseria: not a dish for everyone. Four.
“It seems all of our judges have a sweet tooth. That round really helped a lot of people, but will it be enough?”
“Now the votes will be tallied and a winner will be selected, remember with four judges and three dishes, the highest possible score would be a 60, I’m afraid to say even my Mink is not perfect, but I’ll wager she’ll score very high, but oh dear, if she does, that means Chandra will pursue her, and heaven knows how my poor servant will take that, she’s not sexually experienced at all, this could be trouble!”
“Not experienced, you say?” Chandra purred. “Hmm…looks like I might have to teach her a few things.”
“Drumroll, please!” Rachel exclaimed. The scores of all four judges for all three dishes were added up, and the results were…
Kyrie: 19
Kate: 32
Chandra: 41
Rebecca: 46
Fuuka: 49
Mink: 58
“We have a winner!! Mink, you have been chosen as the ultimate undefeatable cooking champion! That means you get to be head chef of the Dauntless for a whole month! Of course, that also means Chandra will try and seduce you.”
“I’ve got a feeling I won’t have to ‘try’ very hard,” she giggled as she cozied up next to the winner. As always, Mink showed no emotional response, except for a tiny sliver of happiness and humility.
“I didn’t expect to win. I just did what I usually did.”
“So I guess this means I have to clean up for a week,” Kyrie groaned. She took off her apron, tossed it away, sighed…then suddenly got a dangerous glint in her eye as she realized how fun her new job could be. “Of course, we all know that fire is the ultimate cleanser…”
KER-SMACK!
“Don’t you dare burn this hallowed sanctuary down!” Rebecca and Fuuka screamed.
“Aww, not even a little?”
“NO!!” Kyrie moped and shuffled off to change into a janitor’s uniform, but no sooner had she left did she come running back again, panicked and terrified. “Holy fireballs, there’s a big…THING out there! It’s massive and huge and alive and it…it’s after me!” There was certainly something after Kyrie; it crashed through the dining room door and slithered through the tables, frightening the audience away as it upset everything in its path.
“What the hell IS that thing!?” Naja shrieked.
“It looks like those tentacle creatures we saw on that asteroid,” Yenae said. A piercing chill ran through her guts and she looked around, wondering where a certain six-armed geneticist was. “Hey, has anybody seen Valti? She’s not here!”
“Oh gods of Elshyrin, please don’t let this be what I think it is!” A distant cry of, “Hey, has anybody seen a slightly overgrown creature anywhere?” confirmed Naja’s fears, and she felt her stomach grow cold as Valti came into the dining room, breathing heavily, drenched in a red goo that smelled suspiciously like tomato sauce.
“Hey, is the contest over yet?” she called cheerfully—then, observing the destruction and chaos before her, she added, “Oh, there it is, you found it!” Several voices rang out with furious rage, almost knocking her over.
“VALTI BRIGNOR, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!”
“Yikes, I guess you don’t like my pet Banjo.” The monster went out of control, lashing and smashing everything; it took the entire crew just to subdue it.
“Banjo?! Valti, what the fuck is this monstrosity!?”
“It’s that tentacle-creature I brought back from the asteroid, remember?”
“Told ya,” Yenae groaned.
“Why the hell is it so big?”
“Well, I…sort of spliced its genes with a fast-growing tomato plant, and then I fed it several of Kyrie’s leftovers. You know, for all the burnt food she makes, she’s really not that bad of a chef.”
“That explains the goo,” grinned the Pyrosian.
“Yeah,” Valti giggled, “that thing had me in its grasp for a moment. It was pretty stimulating, I must say, but way too sticky. I’ll have to take a shower later.”
“Figures a freak like her would get turned on by that sort of thing,” Naja muttered to herself. “So what’re you gonna do about this monster, huh? It’s going to destroy the whole ship!”
“Oh, Banjo’s just playing with you—see? He likes you!”
“HE’S SQUEEZING THE AIR FROM MY LUNGS, YOU MORON!! DO SOMETHING!!”
“My god, Naja! What have I unleashed?! Banjo, put her down now! I gave you life, boy—why are you doing this?” The tentacle-beast threw Naja away and smacked against several other girls before wrapping its tomato-sauce coils around Kyrie, the Acheron twins, and Rebecca. Seeing people she liked suffering on her account pushed Valti over the edge, and she dove towards the flame thrower Kyrie always carried with her.
“That’s it, boy,” she growled: “come get some!!” The fires burst out and fried the tentacle to a crisp; it released its hostages and collapsed into a dead, smoldering, yet disturbingly aromatic pile. Valti dropped her weapon and fell to her knees, sobbing from the loss of her beloved pet. “Damn it, why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why, Banjo, why?!”
“Uh, Val?”
“What is it, Kyrie?”
“Are you gonna eat that?” Sigh.
“I suppose I could put in a late entry to the contest. Dig in, everyone.” And so the crew feasted on Valti’s specialty, genetically altered Kamikaze Calamari in tomato sauce, and declared it to be morbidly delicious.
When the crew finally arrived at Marsa Rosemont’s home world, she couldn’t get away fast enough.
Preview of next chapter:
Kyrie: Jeez! Thanks to Miss mad scientist over here, I’m stuck cleaning up all this tentacle crap!
Valti: I said I was sorry, okay? Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up! How about some delicious angry sex, hmm?
Kyrie: Well, okay, but—hey, wait! Are we an established couple yet?
Valti: Does it matter?
Kyrie: Heheh, well, since you put it that way…
Rachel: HEY, just what are you two doing?! You’re supposed to be talking about the next chapter!!
Kyrie: Sorry, no can do, we’re gettin’ nekkid and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Rachel: (sigh) I guess it’s up to me, then. In the next chapter, we run afoul a dangerous group of pirates! Do we have what it takes to survive an encounter? Next time on Voyage of the Dauntless, “Shivering Timbers: the pirate queen!”
Valti: (squeals) Kyrie, you and your hot wax!
Kyrie: (shrieks) You’re just as bad! Gah, so many fingers…
Rachel: This is me quietly stepping away…
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