In truth, there is no better place to be Than falling out of darkness still to see Without a premonition, could you tell me where we stand? I'd hate to lose this light before we land And when I feel like I can feel once again Let me stay awhile, soak it in awhile If we can hold on, we can fix what is wrong Buy a little time for this head of mine Haven for us "Ups and Downs" Thrusting throbbing, weaving bobbing, lifting lips lick like little girl, over valley dimple rose, thrust and bob, heave, pant—ugh! Sex, sex in its purest form, sex in its ugliest form, sex stretched and divided, sex cast aside and united, sex seen, sex heard, sex felt and acted upon. Sex-sex, thrumming thighs, feeling fingers, noses and eyes, ugh! Ugh! Clitoris stimulus; aching breaking barriers, feel the skin, suck the teat, stare and shudder, climax uncontrollably—once, twice, thrice, buck heave ho thrust and stop. Breathe. Feel her. Feel happy, feel shame. Feel dead, feel alive. Feel stupid, feel satisfied. Feel... "Wonderful!" Sonia exclaimed, staring down at naked Bernadette. "Absolutely wonderful!" "For you, maybe," Bernadette managed, breathing hard. "You forget...I'm in my early fifties, and you're not even thirty yet. I don't have the stamina I once did." "Are you saying that wasn't your best effort?" she remarked, face skewing in confusion. Bernie had rocked her world, drove her mad and forced three volcanic eruptions to gush out of her center, orgasmic and terrible, oozing bubbling trembling vicious. Sonia laughed. "My-my, you're exceptional. And I had no idea you were a natural blonde." "Soon to be natural gray," remarked Marbel with a chuckle. Sonia hummed dreamily and snuggled her stinking sweat-stained body against the naked skin of the older woman, feeling that elusive emotion called joy, that which can exist outside and beyond the boundary of mere happiness. In a few moments her breath became short and even, her body light, her mind lost in the confines of sleep. Bernadette liked having Sonia there with her, and having sex with someone besides her wife was a fresh experience, but she couldn't help but feel dirty. She didn't get a moment of sleep laying there, and was awake even when dawn came. The beginning of another "fascinating" day working at Stanton... ...... As I lay here, the full range of human emotion encompasses my being. It will soon take over me—it will become me. I will soon cease to exist, the "I" that I am, changing places with this new Chaos, this thing that has come into my life to curse me. It suffocates me and I feel sad...but not disappointed. I never expected anyone to love me for long, not even them. When Usha left me, I was crushed, of course, but I expected I'd move on because I still had Mira. It was as if one of my arms were cut off, but I was still fine as long as I still had one left over. But now they're both gone. Mira broke up with me yesterday. Can't say I blame her. I'm pretty much a freak anyway. No one before has wanted me, and now nobody since; I'm all alone, surrounded by a crowd and a group of friends who have all seen their purpose. Victoria, you are with June, and together you're happy. Olivia, I saw you with Yuki. What an amazing couple you were. Janine, please don't be in denial anymore. You love May, I can tell. Gabrielle...heh. Of all the things to happen to us both. Now she's the one who's single again, but she looks pretty good, not like me. I'm a wreck. Two girlfriends abandoned me in the span of a month. I'm right back where I started; I am once again myself, and only myself—Blake Baum, solo performance. I guess it is my fault. I kept on talking about Usha, how I missed her, how I wished she were there with us (Mira and I), how I still loved her. I guess Mira got tired of it and ran off. I've never seen her so upset. Normally that girl is so cheerful, gay beyond mere homosexuality, and fun to be with. But I saw a side to Mira I've never seen before: spite, rage, the anger that she kept built up inside of her, the intense jealousy. She hated Usha for what she did, and now that hate was directed towards me. I didn't expect the fairy tale to last; I just didn't think it would reach the end so quickly. It's heartwarming, in a way, that people who have experienced such loss can still find happiness with others who can empathize with them. I talked with Gabrielle, like we haven't talked in years, and we opened up to each other like never before. I guess we've both been neglecting our friends in lieu of romance, but it's hard to look in other directions when Love is staring you straight in the face. She and I...we became closer that day. Up until then I was just happy to call Gabrielle my friend, but now, she is more like a sister to me. I've always wanted a family beyond my parents... The four girls that consist of my extended family... I am a little ashamed to admit that we had sex that evening, but it's always something I wanted to try. I know, I know, pretty cliché of a lesbian—sex with your best friend. She said that she had been curious as well, but I don't know. Maybe she needed physical love aside from all the other forms I've provided her. Maybe she was just lonelier than she wanted to admit. Regardless, we both walked away trying our best not to feel awkward—we had a bit of a laugh to ease the tension—and as it's said, any sex you can comfortably walk away from is good sex. I know this is a time in my life where I shouldn't worry about dating and stuff, but I feel like if I don't worry about it now, I'll never have a better chance. Once I graduate, it'll be as if everything I've worked for all my life will be gone, and everything I knew ruined, its foundations lost. In my heart I want to believe we'll always have each other, but life is cruel, its rivers swift, its tributaries numerous. We could all fall down a different one and effectively never see each other again. Ugh, depression just isn't my thing. I gotta remember to take my meds! People—women especially—can be fools, especially when Hope is involved. I allowed myself to hold this Hope in my hand, to see if it would grow into a flower or cut me apart. It has the potential to do both; I'd like to think that maybe my own actions could influence its blossoming better. I'll explain: I went and talked to May, of all people, just a few days before February's closing. March was not far off. Leena (she had returned awhile ago) was instructing us in our soccer drills again. Spring was near. The time for new romances, new pursuits, new hopes was coming back. I don't know why I chose May of all people to open up to. Maybe it's because I'm nosy, and I wanted to see if she and Janine were...well, you know. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?" she screamed at me. I yelped as her shrieking voice flattened me. "Uhm...it's just that...when you two get together...you have this aura..." "We're not in love with each other, Blake Freda Baum!" she roared. "I don't know where people got that idea but it just isn't true!" "Oh, c'mon, quit denying it!" I mewed, batting the air like a kitten. "You're waving all the flags and giving off every indication. Why must you bury your secret desires in—" "SECRET DESIRES?! Okay, what nonsense has my sister been stuffing into your head?!" "Nothing!" I squealed. "I've deduced all this on my own! Plus all the other observations of my friends..." "OBSERVATIONS?!?! Oh God! Are you all...spying on us!" "I won't say anything if you won't!" I sang. May gave me a look that would've peeled rocks. Yikes! "This is despicable! We're not doing anything! The musical stopped running a long time ago, if that's what you mean! We're not sneaking smooches here and there!" "Come on, don't lie!" I squealed. "I know for a fact that you two kiss." "So?! Janine kisses all of you as well." "But the way she kisses us is not the way she kisses you." "I AM NOT HEARING THIS FROM YOU!!!" Needless to say, we had some more...discussions to go over. But I think I got through to her. "Oho, did she really!? That's so embarrassing!" "Yeah! And you can tell she was enjoying it too!" "Are you sure this is my sister we're talking about? You know, girl that looks like me, but with longer hair and sits in a wheelchair?" "The very same." "Unbelievable!" I had her laughing in no time; I smiled back to let her know I was having a good time. I enjoyed her company. I guess you could say we were friends. I then asked her, as friends, to be honest: did she have any "curiosity" at all? I promised I wouldn't bring up Janine; I just wanted to know. "To be honest, yeah," she whispered, face dark and slightly flustered. "I have thought about it, now and again. Heh...I used to be all boy-crazy until just recently. I think being in this school changes people." "Well, high school is a good time for strapping young lasses to decide whether they're really one way or the other. But for me, it was middle school. I had a...crush on somebody—the girl I first kissed. Right now...we're just friends, though." I couldn't tell her that this person was Gabrielle. But I could tell Gabrielle. Maybe that made it easier for us to have sex. Maybe. We talked some more, about this and that, and I tried my best to not pressure her anywhere. The girl that has had a brush with a lesbian encounter is quite unstable, as I know very well. Eventually I got around to asking if she'd like to kiss me. I know, I know, foreign territory, stuff of adult magazines, things like that. But...we were kids, we learned from that stuff, or whatever we could get our hands on. And she agreed, though she did it with an understandable level of caution. I wondered if I should let her do it, then...but I was the more experienced one. I decided to go slow, gently, and took her mouth into mine with firmness. I rationalized why Janine might've liked her, because the girl knew how to kiss—at least for one who was once certain of her heterosexuality. She even smiled at me when we were done. "That was new," she admitted. May stared at her hands, as if trying to see if she herself had changed. "I feel...different," she told me. "It's kind of weird!" I smiled again, assuring her all was fine, and before I knew it, we were kissing again. Then, after our sixth or seventh long session (I think), she looked deep into my eyes—oh, heavenly brown, they were so beautiful and kind!—and asked me, so shyly (I'll never forget this)... "Hey Blake...remember New Year's? Remember what Janine and I did to each other then? You wanna...do that with me?" I smiled and nodded. She seemed to glow. We kissed again, careful at first, then opened our mouths and accepted one another's tongues. May was by no means shy; I think she meant to make me her girlfriend, because she looked pretty sad to see me go. I told her...that she shouldn't do these sorts of things with me. Don't do them with me, May. Do them with someone else. She looked away after I said this; she knew what I meant. I decided to kiss her one last time before I left her, but put my lips to her cheek instead—the mark of friendship. When I walked away from her house, I felt...clear. It's difficult to describe. It's like a stone cage that had been around me was lifted, and I was more free then than I had ever been before. I think I was even happy. So then, imagine my surprise when I learned that Janine had made out with Mihoshi Kogure. ...... Yes, we kissed, all right! Big deal! It wasn't as if I was infatuated with her or anything! Look, I was just being friendly. She was being her usual strange self. It makes me angry that something so simple as a little kiss can be taken so out of proportion! All I did was act as Mihoshi's friend, in spite of the one-sided rivalry we had. I admit it, I liked her. She had a nice spirit, and was pretty, and whenever she wasn't spouting her Bushido nonsense, she was a really great girl. We ended up becoming friends because I pulled off the effort, and congratulated her when she became head cheerleader. No, I didn't get it, but I didn't care either. She deserved it anyway. She wanted it more. I guess Mihoshi was just overcome by my kindness. She flung her arms around me as I humbled myself before her, wept a little, and kissed me, lips to lips. It was a strange new feeling, and all at once I was choked by emotions, by thoughts and conflicts. Yuki. May. That...girl. My friends. Alisha. Kula. And more, more than I can dare say. All these people have affected me and my thoughts in the same way, although they used different methods. Who I Am was shaped by them, though I fought hard to keep my own image. I don't think any of them could imagine how many horrible things passed through my mind when something like this happened. Aww, you're so sexy when you blush like that! Ooh, nice flash! I always wanted to have a look at cheerleader's panties! Janine, you have such gorgeous hair. Can I...wash it for you? Janine...Janine...Janine...don't you want me? Janine...maybe we should sleep in different rooms. I want...to hold you...tonight. You really think I did great? Even though we're rivals? You are the greatest! I cannot hope to compete with your pure heart... Soft...she's so soft... "No," I managed, pushing myself away. When a moment in time is frozen, you begin to realize just how much has gone on while your head's been in the clouds. No, I was mistaken: Yuki and I didn't merely kiss, we did make out. I liked it! I scared myself because I liked it! I felt her groping my shoulders, gently merging her body into mine, that needless Stanton cheerleader uniform coming into contact with mine (skirts, bare skin, a woman's presence), lips and kisses and her hair and slowly, her tongue and mine. She took her shirt off. Mine was gone too. I was lost down a terrifying path. I wanted to scream. She touched me. "I'm sorry," she whispered, seeing how scared I looked. She quietly put her shirt on, apologized several more times, and left me in my ice. I wanted to die just then. I wanted to die each and every time a girl got close to me like that. First that one girl—ah yes, quite the recovery, forgetting her name!—then May, now Yuki. As I numbly put my shirt on, one single thought crossed my mind and stayed with me the entire day. What's wrong with me?? ...... What's wrong with me? Why am I lying here? What am I doing with her? Did I sleep with her out of desperation? Did she sleep with me out of pity? Did I just use her? She must think I'm a horrible person. I'm not even worth being around her. She deserves better. "What's on your mind?" asked Janna. Hitomi smiled sadly. "What we just did," she answered. Silence. "Oh. Yes." "I was just thinking...you might hate me." "I don't hate you." "But I don't love you like that. We barely know each other. You could say I took advantage of you." "I didn't say no. I liked it. What we did...was not wrong." "It didn't feel very right either," sighed Hitomi. She distanced herself from Janna more, letting her breath out as she tried to recover from the unusual events of the past hour. Talking. Crying. Embracing. Kissing—thank you, Janna, for being there for me. Passion. Stupid sex, that's all it was. Desperation and pity! Hitomi laughed. "Cigarettes," she said, and that seemed the end of it all for awhile. She looked at Janna, naked and still covered in sweat, and grinned. "Right about now is the time I'd smoke one. I was down to only two a week, usually taken when Abby and I made love. Ha...we made love but never called ourselves lovers. What a silly thing for us to do. We were so stupid. Oh, but listen to me, I talk as if it were years ago." "Do you still love her?" Janna asked. Hitomi's face turned melancholy. "I don't know. I feel like she hurt me without meaning to. I bet she's off with some other woman—her intent from the start, no doubt. She wanted to replace me..." "That's not true!" snapped Janna, sitting up so suddenly that the sheets fell off, exposing her whole naked body. She went on, "Abigail loved you! I could see it when you were together, and when you were apart! She thought the world of you, Hitomi. When you're not around her, she looks so wistful and far-off, like there's a part of her missing. She did love you!" "So why did she leave me like that?" Unfortunately, all Janna could do was shrug. "Insecurity? Foolishness? Or...was it hope? I wish I knew. I only played a small role in this, Tomi. I do not have much to give you." "You've given enough," she said. Hitomi rose, sighed, and numbly controlled her body so that eventually, the clothes she had discarded earlier were adorned once again on her body. She was leaving. "But now I've got to do some thinking," she added wearily, and leaned down to give Janna their last kiss as lovers. Raulson merely smiled, wished "Tomi" good-bye, and got dressed once she was alone. It wasn't so bad being alone. She was used to it. Sometimes, that hole in her life would even be filled, just as it had then, so it wasn't all that bad. ...... Gabrielle Kareen O'Shannon now lived in a world where she had made love to her best friend. Now there was something for the scrapbooks: she and Blake naked together, putting their efforts into mutual pleasure, as weird as it seemed to be like that with somebody she had known since childhood. Of course, she had been curious, and there had been times when she kept her eyes wrapped round Baum's body as they dressed, or any of her other friend's bodies. Now that she actually performed the act, she felt guilty and a little dirty—not the good kind. A part of her wondered if she'd be able to look Blake in the eye again, or live up to any of this if the others found out. Gabrielle had more than just that incident weighing her down. It was but a mere pebble compared to the boulder on her back, and there was no way she could cut off the cords that held it to her body all by herself. She wanted to call a friend, talk to them, get them to come over—but who? Certainly not Blake, that was out of the question. And Janine, dear as she was, just wouldn't understand her. That left Victoria and Olivia, and Grissom was on a date with her girlfriend. Johnson it was. "Johnson residence," came the answer when Gabrielle called. It was Olivia's father. "Hey, Mr. J, it's Gab. Is Liv there?" "Oh, hey. Yeah, hold on, she'll be here in a sec." A lull. Then, "Hey Gab, you need something?" "Uh, just to talk is all. You think you can come over?" Olivia snort-laughed. "You've got weird timing, Gabs. I just freed myself for the rest of the weekend, plus I don't have to go into work tomorrow. Imagine how happy I am." Knowing how much you gripe about that place, I'd say you're damn well ecstatic, she thought to herself. But all she said was, "Yeah. So can you come over?" She could almost hear the shrug that came. "I've got nothing else to do." "Good, thanks." Ten minutes later... Gabrielle's smile was big, but false, when Olivia arrived. She was glad that her friend had came—she looked gorgeous in her winter clothes, slightly covered in melting snow—but there were too many burdens on her young back to keep the grin from growing further. Olivia discarded her coat, shoes, scarf, and gloves as she made herself at home; Gabrielle followed her into the kitchen but didn't get anything for herself. As the dark-skinned girl quietly poured herself some water, she could sense a troubled mind in the room, and for once it wasn't her own. Gabrielle was not her cheery self, and that could only mean bad news. "You okay?" she whispered. Another false smile came. "Oh, yeah, you know, just a little glum today." "That's not like you. I haven't seen you glum in ages. You're like the opposite of me, always smiling and happy." "Well not always," answered the redhead, her voice a whisper. "You don't see me all the time. I got me own...set of emotions that nobody sees." Olivia didn't answer. She decided to go to the living room and sit down; Gabrielle followed her. When the redhead sat, it seemed to be out of exhaustion, as her whole body nearly collapsed. Olivia nearly had to catch her friend as she let out a gust of air. "Okay, come on, enough of this nonsense. There's something troubling you and you want to talk about it; well, out with it then. You didn't invite me just to play or have friendly banter." "No, you're right, I'm sorry. It's just...I've been bombarded from a lot of directions and I feel all worn out, as if I weren't cut out for all this junk. I'd like to place all the blame on me, for breakin' up with Lil, but that ain't even half of it. Most of it, though." "That was rather foolish," murmured Liv in agreement. Gabrielle gave her a look, but sighed again as she realized she was right. "She was the right one for you, Gabrielle," she added. "She had everything you wanted plus everything you needed. She was as close to perfect as you could've gotten. Why on Earth did you leave her?" "...I wanted her to be happy," she squealed. "And you didn't think she'd be happy with you?!" "...No," she managed, now fighting back tears. "Because...all those times...she told me about her first love..." "First loves are rarely the best loves. Snap out of it, girl!" She gave her friend a gentle shove, speaking not out of anger but love. "It was damn stupid of you to assume she'd be happier with anyone else. You lost the love of your life because you felt you weren't any damn good for her. Well if that isn't the most pathetic thing I've ever heard! And here all this time I hear you complaining about how you can't find the right person for you. Well you just broke up with ‘the right person'; that's why you're all torn up inside!" "It's not just that!" spat the redhead, her green eyes now fluid with tears. "I... Sometimes I...get the feelin' that nobody wants to be with me like that. Even Lil went off now and then, thinkin' about that other girl." "You're wrong about that too," said Johnson, her voice soothing again. She scooted close and took her friend's hand. "Gab, I don't need to be the one to encourage you about yourself. You know you're a good person and a very desirable one as well, somebody that any girl, gay or straight, would like to be with." "Yeah, but...everybody abandons me." She whispered throatily, finding it difficult to raise her voice. Olivia took her into her arms, holding her gently, occasionally landing a kiss in her hair. "Lil didn't abandon you, you let her go. But...aside from that, there is one person who won't abandon you, somebody who loves you very much, and has loved you for a long time." "...Who?" she whispered, then snorted. "Don't tell me it's Blake." Olivia chuckled faintly. "No, no..." She leaned down to kiss Gabrielle's forehead, then her cheeks, one after the other. She caressed her best friend's face tenderly, wiping tears away with her thumb, until their eyes met and she smiled. Olivia leaned in and kissed Gabrielle full on the mouth, deeply and lovingly, much longer than they ever had kissed as friends. Their embrace soon deepened as O'Shannon eased herself out of the surprise, and melted into the love her friend was offering her. Of course. The answer was right in front of her. "Liv?" she squeaked, staring at Johnson. Olivia hardly ever smiled, but when she did, anyone could tell that it was honest and merry. She gave Gabrielle her best grin, cupped her cheeks in her hands, and kissed her again. This time there was no hesitation: Gabrielle fell into her friend's embrace and decided to return that love, even if it was out of desperation and unusual convenience. And so for the second time in her life, Gabrielle allowed herself to be sexually explored by one of her best friends, but this time, there was no regret and no strange moments, only love and happiness, brightness through the night and into morning. ...... Two hours. That's all she had. Samantha O'Brien had once told Kathlyn that in the span of a single hour, a person's life could be changed permanently. Babies were born, lives were lost, wars were started and won and restarted, and hearts bulged and broke, all within an hour. Thus logically, two hours would be even better, but how can one cram everything into such a short amount of time? How could Kathlyn possibly make up for lost time, weeks and weeks of it, in only 120 minutes? She could never fit two weeks into two hours. Never. But that didn't mean she'd refuse the offer. Kathlyn didn't mind living with Ms. Marbel, although it was pretty awkward at times. "Bernie", as she discovered her nickname was, seemed to be conflicting with some outside force that Katt could not influence. It was plain in her face: her mind was split apart. She stared off into the distance, and Kathlyn sometimes caught her looking at an old photo, recalling earlier, more innocent times. When Kathlyn asked about the other woman in the picture, her temporary guardian would just smile and say, "Oh, it's just a friend." Just a friend. So that's what I've reduced my wife to! Kathlyn returned to school once her two-week suspension was lifted, and while she did reunite with Leena, their meeting was brief and hardly passionate. They embraced, as teachers and students could, and even snuck a tiny kiss, as sometimes they did as well, though more rarely. Leena stroked Kathlyn's spiky black hair and told her bad news: they would have to be more careful from now on. They couldn't live together until Kathlyn graduated, a mere three months (or three lifetimes) away. They've have to keep quiet, and they'd have to have Ms. Marbel's permission to see each other outside their professional world. Thankfully, Bernadette was in a romantic mood that day when she let Kathlyn go. She gave the girl two hours, though, starting when she left the door and ending when she came back. If she were late, she would not be able to see Leena again for several days, one day for every minute she was late coming back. Thus the dilemma: how do two strange star-crossed lovers make up for such a loss in time when they have so little themselves? The answer: very slowly, very carefully, very deliberately. When Kathlyn arrived, having told Leena over the phone, they mostly just held each other and talked. Too bad: Parkin personally wanted to rip her cute gym teacher's clothes off and fuck her from here to Wednesday. "Next time," said Leena, her smile broadening as her girlfriend confessed her feelings. "There'll always be a next time, dear one." She sent Kathlyn back a little earlier, which wasn't such a good idea in the long run. Bernadette, it seemed, had arranged a little date of her own, and had used Kathlyn's absence as an excuse to enjoy the meeting to its fullest. She did not expect her charge to come home early...but that was a story for another day.
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