"Resolutions, Part Two" The world was enveloped by rain, and Ivory Tran had forgotten her umbrella. For the time being she sought shelter under the awning of a building, having dashed here and there to avoid getting soaked. The sky was dark and cloudy in spite of the early hour; every puddle was a curse, every splash from careless cars an insult, every shelter only temporary on her way to school. She mentally beat herself and resolved to either get a car at long last or stop losing her parasols, because this was getting out of hand. After shaking herself off, a rather useless gesture at that point, she ran off again under the nearest covering. She lived near Stanton, very near, but very far to walk if the weather was bad. Usually when it rained, Ivory had her umbrella, or she took public transport if it was really dire, but she had left it in her locker or in the gym, or outside—it could've been anywhere. She snorted and cursed, and held herself underneath the small awning. Shaking one more time, she prepared to dart out into the street, as soon as the cars gave her room. It was open territory from the sidewalk to the school, with only trees to block the rain. It would take all the patience and energy she had to make it. She would not be a very pleasant sight at school, needless to say. "Need a hand?" came a meek voice. Ivory heard the flop of an umbrella opening, and the protective mesh shield over her. She turned around and nearly wept with joy as she saw Ancelin, tall and shy but glowing with generous warmth, the parasol in her hand. Ivory wanted so badly to hug her, to kiss her, she nearly fell. "Annie!" The greeting was poor, but a start. Ancelin nodded. "Yeah. Come on, walk with me. You're soaked." Ivory sheepishly followed along, walking close to Ancelin so they could both share the large umbrella. This had been one of her many fantasies, to walk underneath the rain with a lover, close and safe and just a tad bit wet; to have it come true made her day. She wanted to say so many things to Ancelin: apologies, explanations, declarations of her love, thanks—thanks! Of all the things, she should start with her thanks! But Ancelin spoke first and beat her. "I'm sorry, Ivory," she murmured once the two were off the street and on sidewalk again. "Sorry for a lot of things. I've been a real jerk, and you didn't deserve it." "Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! Why are you apologizing?! You've done nothing wrong!" "But I have," she insisted. "I mean, the way I've treated you since I learned of your... past... It's not like me. I didn't like what I heard, and I distanced myself from you, but worst of all, I was unresponsive and unforgiving. I ended up doing something I had no right doing; I judged you and concluded I didn't like you and didn't want to be around you any more." The words hurt Ivory more than anything—had they been Ancelin's true feelings all along?—but she didn't get the chance to reply. "That was a mistake," she added, her voice low from guilt. "Ancelin, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm the bad one here." "You're not bad," she said. She paused as she waited for traffic to calm before moving to the next sidewalk. She looked down at Ivory and gently, timidly, touched her face. "You've done bad things, but you're not bad. I've just had a lot of experience with heartbreak and pain, and after I heard how you... slept around... my imagination went away with me. I thought you were the type to love and leave, so to speak, and then you went after me, like I was prey in a hunt. I didn't know the truth, I didn't bother to ask you, and I started to believe things that might've been false." "It's right," said Ivory quickly, wanting to share her thoughts before Ancelin hogged the whole conversation. "You're right, I did break a lot of hearts. I had sex when I was young and I've been doing it ever since. It lost all meaning when I turned 16, and after that it was just for fun. I broke my last heart before that, and I promised myself I'd never get deeply involved with the women I sleep with. It would just be sex for sex's sake, nothing more—but I was wrong. I still broke hearts, and I'm ashamed to admit that I broke one pretty badly recently—while I was pining after you." "You what?" Ancelin's whisper stopped them. They were on the sidewalk, a few people turning their heads to watch the two beautiful girls as they conversed, going deeper and deeper and becoming wet despite the parasol. Ivory hung her head. "I slept with another woman while I was flirting with you," she murmured. "It's happened before, and yes, it usually turned out badly. I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did. I didn't think my... thing with you would get very far." Ancelin's quiet was so penetrating, it could've parted the wall of rain around them and revealed dry air. "Who was it?" "It doesn't matter. I already broke up with her. I tried doing the honest thing, even though it hurt her. I didn't want to be with her because it was a lie; I was in love with you, but I had already lost you. That hurt me worse than anything else, and I've been hurt bad before. I figured I could at least fix one part of my life, even though I'm not sure what good it did." Her silence lingered. Ivory became afraid, something she had not felt in years. If Ancelin had shouted, so much the better, but the dead air around her was deadly. She wished she would say anything, anything, even if it was damnation. At least that way, she would've known. "You were in love with me?" All of a sudden, Ivory felt a burden lift off her, though it had no reason to. "Wasn't it obvious?" she managed, her sly smile faint. "I tried telling you like a hundred times—all after you learned about my nasty past, of course—but I don't know if they did any good or not. I guess I fucked everything up, didn't I?" Ancelin smiled sweetly, and to Ivory's surprise, she leaned forward and pressed her mouth on her lips, kissing her with solid sweetness under the umbrella. The burden now exploded into fireworks; Ivory could feel a strange mixture of sorrow, love, and forgiveness in the gesture. "We both did," said Ancelin smiling as she pulled away. "I did bad by never asking you anything, and being afraid of my heart breaking again. It's a... precaution I take when I go into any relationship." "Annie..." Ivory touched her mouth, feeling her love's wetness still there along with the rainwater, and gave Ancelin's ice-blue eyes a stare. "Not long ago you were more unresponsive than a corpse. You ignored me, for good reason; you avoided me and went out of your way to not even look at me. And now you're like this? What made you change your mind?" Ancelin frowned. She looked up briefly as the rain relented, and twirled her umbrella. The gray-white sky above wept tiny tears, then released its floods again. She guided Ivory to the safety of the school, underneath an opening, and shook herself. Something had changed her mind, and since the revelation of Ivory's past was huge, it took something even bigger to jar her away and look at things from a different view. Or rather, several somethings. ............ Ancelin reeled from the attack of Furious Hail and stumbled home, so frightened and broken that it was a miracle she stayed in her skin, let alone sane. She couldn't weep because she was wailing, and she couldn't speak because she made no sense. A day-mare, a nightmare held during waking hours, approached her and dug its claws into her head, just as Hail had—just as her father had, ages and months ago. People called out to her to see if they could help, but she ignored them and tumbled onto the grass. Ancelin Yi vomited in plain view of the general public. After accepting a hand and a bottle of cool water from an older gentleman, Ancelin declined his offer for a ride and limped the rest of the way home. Her aunt, uncle, and cousin would either be there, at work, or shopping; her mother would be indoors doing botanical research since it looked like it would rain any second. Her hands became uncontrollable as she fumbled for her keys, dropped them twice, slipped them inside the lock, and twisted them. She pushed on the door and barely remembered to yank the keys out before collapsing. She made it to the couch and crumbled. She panted and held herself. She could not calm down. Furious Hail, Alexandra Blair had nearly killed her out there, and for what? For what? Not long ago she had posed as a friend, and now a would-be murderer? Luckily she had pulled away and ran, spurned by whatever remnant of a conscience she had, leaving Ancelin alone and frightened. Now the aftershocks affected her, giving her the trembles and a sick stomach. She did not throw up or weep, but neither did she rise. Her mother walked in casually and let out a gasp. She ran over to Ancelin and took her hand, first asking if she was all right and then saying how pale she looked. Her daughter was athletic and strong, and she rarely pushed herself, so something else, some fear had taken control of her. The last time she looked like that, her father had beaten them both severely. Mrs. Yi called out her daughter's name many times. "Ancelin... Ancelin... Ancelin..." And she held her. And she sobbed. Ancelin felt so frail in her arms. She felt like her life had nearly been lost. She felt like she had failed. She felt torn apart. She felt cold. She vibrated with spasms and labored breath. She felt wounded all around. Her mother squeezed tighter and whispered to her. She gave her daughter some hot herbal tea and prescribed a warm bath, followed by a few quiet hours in the indoor garden, whether in silence or conversation. Mrs. Yi locked them both inside and took her daughter's hand. The garden brought them both peace. It had been their refuge many times before, even in the best of times, and now its fragrant smells and gentle light—fading underneath clouds—revitalized them and allowed them the courage to open up. But there were some things Ancelin could never tell her mother, regardless of how close they were. She recounted, in sketchy detail, what had happened. She did not mention Hail's name. Her mother's eyes flashed with the animal instincts of a she-wolf or a she-bear whose cub or pup is in danger, and anger surfaced. If anyone had hurt her daughter, they would suffer—but no, mama, no, it's okay, she didn't hurt me. She ran away and left me alone. I'm just... "Scared, really," she sighed. "It just scared me. I don't feel well from it, but I'll calm down eventually. I'm just... uneasy. Could you stay with me a bit longer?" Her mother's maternal instinct turned from anger to love, and she smiled as she scooted closer to her daughter and took her hand. "Yes, of course, for as long as you need." "Thanks." Before going to bed, Ancelin assured her mother that she was fine, but accepted the offer to share a bed with her regardless. The two women had slept like that many times since moving out of their old house—it was their way of sharing comfort and safety—and doing so again, despite Ancelin's age, seemed natural and right. The following day was Saturday, and though it did not rain yet, the forecast called for it by the weekend. Mrs. Yi asked Ancelin if she was all right as she served breakfast to her family. "I feel better," she answered. Her family inquired, but all they got was Ancelin had been very upset the day before, and needed to keep things personal. She was given a berth and spent most of the day recovering, reading, and attending the indoor garden. After ascertaining her daughter's well-being, Mrs. Yi told her during lunch that she was going out for the night, and she was free to do as she pleased. "I'm glad you're getting out more, mama," she said. "It's good seeing you make friends." "Um, yes... Will you be all right here by yourself if your aunt and uncle go off?" "We don't have any plans for the weekend," they told her. Ancelin nodded. "Then I guess I'll be okay. You go have a good time, mom. Don't worry about coming home late." "All right." She grinned and sat down to eat; her brother did the dishes. Evening came as Ancelin finished her book, and with a farewell and a have-fun, she watched her mother go out into the wet world, umbrella in tow. Ancelin didn't like television much, so she watched an old movie of great quality. She went to bed after showering, but was awakened around midnight. Her mother's car sounded in the driveway, so she must've gotten home early. She smiled to herself, looking forward to hearing about her adventures. Around one o'clock in the dark of night, Ancelin was disturbed by subdued noises. Thumping. Grunting. Moaning. Whispers. Her eyes fluttered open, squinted in spite of the dark, and slowly regained focus. One-oh-seven, and the noises continued. Ancelin sat up and huddled in her nightshirt. She crept out of her bed and room, making her way through the house towards where the sound originated, and froze in horror as she realized it was coming from her mother's room. A struggle? No, those were clearly grunts of pleasure, dulled by the closed door and perhaps bed sheets. Her mother was engaged in sex, and from the sound of things, it was not a solo act. Fearing her mother had gone and made another foolish choice for a lover, she rapped on the door and called out. "Mama, are you okay? I heard noises." She could clearly hear the woman freeze, sit up, and pause as she thought of what to say. "Ancelin?" "It's me, mom. Are you okay? I heard noises and I thought..." "I'm... I'm all right, dear," she called. "I was just... uh... ...Honey, um... do you know what... self-pleasure is?" "Yes." "I was doing that," she called through the shut door. Ancelin did not buy that answer for a moment. "With somebody else?" Pause. "The TV's on. I'm watching a movie for... adults. I'm sorry sweetie if I woke you up; I'll turn the volume down and try to stay quiet." In the depths of her mind, Ancelin knew this was not true, and she shivered as she heard the faint whisper of another voice, one surely not belonging to a televised actor. It was clear her mother wanted to be alone, so she would just have to get a real answer in the morning. "Okay. I'm just worried. Sorry if I interrupted you. I'm going to bed now." "It's all right, sweetie. I'm sorry too. Good night." Ancelin took a step back and heard soft murmuring. Even if her mother was telling the truth, it would have to be a far stretch. Feeling unsuccessful but generous, the young woman left her mother alone and returned to bed. She found it very difficult to go to sleep, since images of a strange man taking advantage of her beautiful, gentle mother kept coming at her. She drifted off after 1:45, albeit uneasily. Ancelin made herself a quick Sunday breakfast and ate it uneasily. Her mother came into the kitchen later, her hair disheveled and her terry cloth robe ragged and worn. Her face glowed until it met Ancelin's, then the events of the previous night came back to her. She sat down sheepishly, asked for the juice, and drank the rest of it before speaking. "I owe you an apology," she said quietly. "I'm sure you're smart enough to figure I wasn't doing what I said I had been doing last night. I'm sorry I lied to you, but you caught me off guard. I didn't expect you to learn about this so quickly; I wanted to tell you, but... things kept coming up, and I pondered for weeks on how I could properly explain it to you. And I still don't have a good answer." To show her support, Ancelin reached over and took her mother's hand. "I'm listening. Take your time, ma." Mrs. Yi took a deep breath and laughed weakly. "This is really hard. Okay... better get it over with. Ancelin, last night, I was... having sex with someone." Ancelin let go of her mother's hand and cradled her empty glass. She stared at the ring of juice inside and frowned. "I thought so. How long has this been going on?" "Last night was our first, but we've known each other for five months. Ancelin, I meant to tell you ever since—" "Five months? Mama... it must be really hard for you to say if you've waited five months." "I know, it is. Believe me." She smiled and parted her hair. Ancelin looked up, saw her mother struggling, and scooted closer. She took her hand and rubbed it. "Is he... I mean, he's not like dad, right? He's a good man, right? Mom, you did find a man who would be good to you, right?" Her mother tried to smile, but it ended up breaking into sadness. She laughed transparently, rubbed her forehead, and squeezed both her daughter's hand and her eyes. Her loving smile won through, and with careful words, she finally admitted to everything. "She is... very kind indeed." Ancelin's eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets. She?? Whoa. "She?" Her mother nodded faintly. "Yes, dear, it's another woman. I'm... uh... Your mother's... um... a lesbian, dear. I'm gay. I believe I am. I'm in love with her, at least." Her eyes stayed bulgy as she slowly shook her head and tried to comprehend everything. Her mother, gay? In love with another woman? And they had made love for the first time last night? Whoa. Double whoa. "This is hard to believe," she gasped at last, struggling for breath. Her mother agreed. "Yes, I know. But she is kind, and good, and she's still here if you'd like to meet her. I asked her to wait while we talked. I've told her about you, and she's wanted to meet you for awhile." "But why didn't you tell me about her?" asked Ancelin. It was not an accusation, just hurtful curiosity, as if she believed there were secrets the two women could trust each other with, and that trust had been bent for five months. "Well... it took a long time for me to gather my courage, you could say," she answered. "One does not realize a different sexuality in a day. Even I didn't know it until three months ago, when we first kissed and I liked it. Honey... can you forgive me for not telling you?" "Yes," answered Ancelin with misty eyes. She embraced her mother and forgave her, and accepted her for who she was and even who she loved. "That is," she added softly, "if I get the chance to know her. Mom, I trust your judgment normally, but I'd like to be careful." Her mother gave her a very sweet smile and kissed her nose. "Oh, I think you'll like her. She already likes you, and she's never met you." "What's her name?" "Kiki. Kiki Fiske." "Is she... presentable?" Her mother grinned bashfully and said yes, then led her daughter up to her room, where her lover had been waiting patiently. ............ "Mom was right," Ancelin concluded, giving Ivory a fair smile. "I liked her almost from the start. It was a little weird saying good-bye to her before I went off to school today, but I guess I can get used to it. As long as she's good to mom, she's okay with me." Naturally, after hearing Ancelin's story, Ivory came away from it amazed. "Wow!" she blurted. "That is just incredible, Annie! And all that made you think twice about me?" "Yeah," she answered (she had left out the part about her near-death experience, not wanting Ivory to worry or become angry, and of course it was a mother-daughter secret). She gave Ivory a smile and folded up the umbrella, tapping it free from water as she wiped her feet on the carpet inside. "But... I mean... I've had a bad past. And I've broken a lot of hearts. I've begun to think... I'm really not good enough for you." Ancelin gave her a sweet smile, and touched her shoulder in love. "But you've proven to me that you do have a good heart, and you can be awfully sweet when motivated. I was pretty flattered when you flirted with me at first, and to be honest, I didn't want somebody I liked hurting me. That's what I was most afraid of—that you had just been lying that entire time. But I never stopped to consider giving you a second chance." "So did all those signs and messages convince you?" asked Tran impishly, bumping into Ancelin gently. She smiled and gave Ivory the gentlest of pushes. "Oh, those? Some of them freaked me out, but a lot were really very sweet... and daring. Would you really give up casual sex for me?" "It wouldn't be easy," admitted Ivory, sounding unsure, "but I know it will be worth it. You know, I'd switch over to monogamy for you, Annie." Ancelin blushed deeply and shied away, looking cute and adorable and more beautiful. And then Ivory added, for the kill, "I'd do anything for you." The first bell rang. In mere minutes, both girls would be tardy. "We should get to class for now," said Ancelin, who was still red. Ivory agreed, and took her hand to kiss it farewell. Ancelin grinned, and faintly traced her finger up Tran's arm, up her neck, around her jaw until she cupped her face, then leaned in to kiss her lips again. The move surprised Ivory, who barely had time to enjoy the contact before it was broken. "I guess I'll see you in gym." Ancelin walked away and waved, leaving Ivory stunned and well beyond blissful status. She grinned like a moron and waved back. "Yeah... I guess you will."
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