Love’s Shadow
By the way, Natsuki, you were quite mean to me at the end of my dream. Why must you always be such a tease? I know you were enjoying how things were going, but you woke me up just as we were getting to the good part! I expect you to make up for this now, and I don’t want to hear any excuses about how it was just in my dream that you were rude to me. As soon as I see that blush on your face that tells me you’re reading this, expect for me to do to you everything I’d planned in the dream. No complaining either, because I intend to make sure you quite enjoy it.
I’m going to cut this letter a bit shorter than usual, as I’ve got another special letter I want to write for you. This one I’ll be delivering right away, so by the time you get to reading this you should already know what it was. Maybe I’ll write a bit more in one of these letters when I’m done, though.
With more love than anyone else could possibly give you,
Shizuru
Of course, the flaw in her plan was thinking that she’d actually be able to get to sleep. Instead, she’d spent most of the night awake, counting off every minute on the clock as her mind tried to make sense of anything and everything to do with Shizuru. She didn’t remember counting any minutes between 2 and 3 a.m., so she might have actually gotten some sleep then.
She never really relaxed at that time, though. As best as she could remember, her thoughts had just drifted from wondering what the hell was that strange kind-of pain-like sensation that had flowed through her torso when Shizuru had kissed her last night (for around the sixth time) to thinking how nice it felt to be loved, and why couldn’t she just be happy with this?
Because it isn’t fair to Shizuru, that’s why, Natsuki told herself for around the fourth time since she’d gotten home. Shizuru would probably never say anything, but it would be torture for her to always be so close and yet so far. And what if I ended up falling for someone else while she was still holding out for me? There’s no way I could risk hurting her like that.
Natsuki rolled over and stared at her clock, watching as the time changed over to 10:07. This was pointless; she’d gone through this internal monologue many times already throughout the night, and it didn’t seem likely she’d come to any other conclusion this time. She grunted with frustration and gave her pillow another punch as she pushed herself up. She idly mused that the pillow didn’t deserve that kind of treatment; it had been quite good to her by providing her something to hug over the night, and she in turn used it to beat out her frustration.
As Natsuki stumbled over to her bathroom, she found herself wondering what it would be like if instead of the pillow, she had Shizuru to hug like that as she slept. It might be nice, she decided, feeling the telltale warmth in her cheeks that meant she was blushing yet again. Does that mean I love her, though? Mikoto hugs Mai like that every night, and she doesn’t think of Mai that way. Maybe it’s alright just between friends. Then again, do I really know that Mikoto doesn’t think of Mai that way?
“Argh,” Natsuki grunted as she reached the sink. “I have enough trouble with my own feelings, I am not going to get sidetracked trying to figure out Mikoto’s!” She turned on the tap and brought her face low to splash ice-cold water onto it. Sadly, it didn’t do much to help her feel any more awake; maybe that only worked if you’d actually gotten enough sleep.
Natsuki raised her gaze to look in her mirror, trying to gauge just how sleep-deprived she looked. Realizing that the sunlight seeping in from the crack in her blinds in the other room wouldn’t be sufficient for this task, she groaned and flipped the lights on. As the room was illuminated, Natsuki felt like someone had slammed a sledgehammer into her head as her eyes struggled to adjust to the light.
As she experimented with opening her eyelids a crack to get the to adjust, Natsuki took a moment to assess the state of the rest of her body. It didn’t take her long to come to the conclusion that it was universally bad. Every muscle and joint in her body seemed to have a light ache in it, and she just felt a general sense of malaise. On top of that, her throat felt sore and dry. She’d probably dehydrated herself overnight with her intermittent bursts of tears, which seemed to come up anytime she tried to dig deep into her feelings. It was as if every part of her body was in on a conspiracy to make this as difficult as possible for her.
Her eyes still struggling to open all the way, Natsuki felt around for her cup. Her fingers eventually finding it, she filled it up and took a deep swig of water. Her throat still hurt like hell, but at least it didn’t feel as dry anymore. Natsuki then took a moment to try to stretch as much of her body as she could in hopes of easing some of the soreness. It didn’t help much with that, but by the time she was through she was finally able to open her eyes without intense pain, and she took a chance to look over herself in the mirror.
Her first thought was that she currently had a face only Shizuru would be able to love, and even then it would take some effort. There were severe bags under her eyes, which really wasn’t surprising considering how much she’d slept. Her face was so pale it was starting to look green, and her hair seemed to be doing its absolute best to defy gravity. Pretty much the only direction she didn’t see strands of hair going was down.
Well, at least I can do something about that problem, Natsuki thought as she turned to the shower and started the water. After waiting a minute for the water to warm up, Natsuki slipped off her pajamas and stepped in. As the warm water hit her body, she finally started to feel some relief from her full-body ache as her muscles loosened up. Natsuki sighed in relief and stood in the cascade for a few minutes, trying to relax as much as possible.
Of course, this had the side effect of giving her mind a chance to wander, and it had the bad sense to wander right back into the emotional minefield of Natsuki’s feelings for Shizuru. The first step into this minefield was the innocuous wondering of what Shizuru was up to now. I really hope she isn’t dwelling on me and still worrying about what I’ll figure out, Natsuki thought. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if she was.
Natsuki slumped against the wall and leaned her head into it. Idiot! Why the hell did I have to do this to her? I should never have told her I was thinking about this; it’s just going to torture her until I come up with an answer, and if it isn’t the answer she wants, it’s going to hurt her even more.
Natsuki turned around and leaned back against the wall, making sure to properly slam her head back against it. Of course, my original plan wouldn’t have forced me to tell her this. I wanted to just go off on a trip somewhere for a while, alone. I wouldn’t have had to explain anything to Shizuru, and I could have taken all the time I needed to think in peace. But no, Sakomizu-temee has to make me take summer classes under threat of holding me back in school, leaving me no choice but to explain to Shizuru why I needed time away from her.
Bah, this is useless. I might be able to think more clearly without Shizuru around, but all I can clearly see is that I have ("no")idea what love is or if I feel it and that I’d rather she were around. Natsuki let out a sigh. She was just wasting water staying in here; she could mope later. Besides, she could use a distraction from her thoughts.
Natsuki finished up showering and got herself as cleaned up as she could, managing to keep herself distracted for the most part. After she got dressed, she headed to the kitchen to grab some breakfast, but paused when she saw the clock on the microwave taunting her with its display of 11:15. Breakfast was a loss at this point, as anything she had now would qualify as lunch.
Instinct grabbed a hold of Natsuki now, as she grabbed her phone and started dialing. She’d had enough of not knowing what the hell love was supposed to feel like, and didn’t have it in her to resist the first possible solution to come to mind. The back of her mind tried to point out to her that she definitely wouldn’t be enjoying all the explaining she’d have to do, but she was beyond caring.
Natsuki waited through four rings before she was finally answered by what sounded like an exhausted Mai. “Good morning, Natsuki,” she said. “Sorry, but Mikoto always leaves my phone in the strangest places after she uses it. This time it was in the back of the fridge, if you can believe it!”
Natsuki smiled despite herself. It was nice to hear that some things never changed. “That’s okay, Mai. I was wondering, did you have any plans for lunch?”
“Okay, who are you and what have you done with Natsuki?” When Mai received an annoyed growl in response, she relented, “Alright, there’s the Natsuki I know. Now, I was just making lunch for myself and Mikoto, but it’s not too late to make enough for you as well. You come over now, and I won’t take no for an answer!”
“Thank you, Mai,” Natsuki said, not bothering to hold back a chuckle. “I’ll be right over.”
Natsuki dropped her eyebrows and gave Mai her patented death glare. This is not what I need today. “I didn’t sleep well last night, that’s all. You don’t have to act like I’m dying,” she said.
Mai pouted. “I was just worrying about my friend, who happens to look like her heart has stopped pumping blood north of the neck.” Natsuki rolled her eyes and spared Mai from her glare. “That’s better, now come in. Lunch is on the table, and don’t chew out Mikoto if she says the same thing I did.”
Mai turned around and led Natsuki into her dorm. The table was already set and covered with a vast array of sandwiches, at least half of which had already been staked out by Mikoto. “Sandwiches, Mai? It seems a little mundane for a cook like you,” Natsuki said.
“Everything Mai makes is good!” Mikoto protested through a half-full mouth. “But she won’t let me eat those sandwiches in the corner. Says only Natsuki could stomach them.”
Natsuki shifted an inquiring gaze towards Mai, who refused to let any clues to her intentions sneak through her façade. “I don’t make a gourmet meal for every lunch,” Mai said. “Now eat first, and then you can complain about my cooking if you still feel it’s necessary.”
Rolling her eyes, Natsuki took a seat near the sandwiches that Mikoto had previously pointed out to her. She picked up the nearest one and took a preliminary, cautious bite. Her worries over what Mai had planned for her faded as her eyes widened in delight and she proceeded to devour the rest of the sandwich.
Mai chuckled at this display as she took her own seat. “You’re almost as easy to cook for as Mikoto, Natsuki. As long as it’s at least one quarter mayonnaise, you’ll love it. I really need to find some pickier eaters if I’m ever going to improve my cooking.”
Okay, now this is just what I needed! Natsuki thought as she gulped down the last bite of the sandwich. Before proceeding on to her second sandwich, Natsuki gasped out a quick but heartfelt, “Thank you, Mai,” and then she dug in again. Little more was said throughout the rest of lunch, as Mai was the only one eating at slow enough of a pace to actually say anything, and she thus had no one left to talk to.
After Mai had eaten the last sandwich, Natsuki was suddenly painfully aware of her discomfort with having to explain the situation to her, now that she no longer had an excuse to not be talking. Mai would have easily figured out that something was up from Natsuki’s phone call earlier, and she would be expecting Natsuki to explain it to her. As Natsuki felt a gaze boring into her and turned to see Mikoto staring at her, she realized that she now had another complication to deal with.
“Natsuki looks pale,” Mikoto said. Apparently she had been too focused on her food to take any notice of Natsuki beyond her simple presence before this point. Not sure what to say in response, Natsuki just met Mikoto’s gaze and tried to abide by Mai’s wishes and not start glaring at the girl.
Mai fortunately noticed the tense situation and broke it up by saying, “Alright, now you two have to help me clear the table. I made all the food, so it’s the least you can do.” Natsuki gave Mai a quick thankful glance and got up to help. It wouldn’t take long to do with all three of them pitching in, but it was a temporary reprieve at least. It turned out that wasn’t all Mai had in mind, though, as when they were done she remarked, “Hey, Mikoto. It’s quite nice out today, and I believe Reito-san is free. Sounds like a good opportunity to catch up on brother-sister bonding if you ask me.”
Mikoto’s eyes opened wide and her face beamed at this idea. “Yes!” she said excitedly. Mikoto didn’t even bother to say goodbye to Mai and Natsuki as she quickly slipped on a pair of shoes and ran out the door. Natsuki gave Mai another grateful glance as she walked over to close the door behind Mikoto.
When Natsuki came back, she found that Mai had already taken a seat. Mai motioned for Natsuki to take a seat too, and Natsuki obliged. Natsuki realized that she wouldn’t be able to put off explaining the situation to Mai any longer, but she couldn’t muster up the courage to broach the subject. After a few minutes of making no progress in anything other than avoiding Mai’s gaze, eventually the other’s girl’s patience was exhausted. “Alright, Natsuki, tell me what’s going on. You’re obviously worrying yourself sick.”
Natsuki felt a slight blush rise to her cheeks, flattered by Mai’s intuition and concern. She took a deep breath and let the words flow out, being sure to keep her gaze as far from Mai’s face as possible. “There’s… this person,” she said, “who’s in love with me… and I have no idea what my own feelings are.” Natsuki bit her lip as she pondered over whether she should tell Mai who it was. Mai had never revealed her opinions, if she had any, on homosexuality, and though Natsuki suspected her friend would support her regardless, it was still embarrassing.
“I’m pretty sure you’re not in love with Takeda-kun, Natsuki,” Mai said. Natsuki turned her head sharply to glare at her, and found a huge smile plastered across Mai’s face. “I knew that would get you to look at me. But seriously, I know a lot of boys have asked you out, but I’ve never known you to give any of them a second look. What’s different about this one?”
Damn it. Please don’t make this harder than it is, Mai. “It’s not a boy,” Natsuki mumbled as she dropped her gaze from Mai’s face. She knew Mai wouldn’t be able to hear her, but it was easier to get it out that way, and then easier to say it clearly the second time.
But Mai didn’t ask her to repeat herself. After Natsuki relented and looked up at her, the silence more torturous than the prospect of making her proclamation again, the look on Mai’s face told Natsuki that the other girl had heard her clearly enough. Fortunately, it was simply a look of surprise, and Natsuki didn’t detect any reproach from her friend. The surprise soon faded into thoughtfulness, though, and it didn’t take long for Mai to come to the only possible conclusion. “Kaichou-san?” she asked.
Natsuki dropped her gaze away from Mai again. “She’s not the Kaichou anymore,” she said, silently cursing herself for the lame reply. At least Mai wasn’t being judgmental though; that was one problem she definitely didn’t need on top of her other issues.
“Er, well, then are you a… uh, into girls, Natsuki?” Mai asked after an uncomfortable silence.
Natsuki groaned and buried her face into the armrest of her chair, trying to hide the blush that was forming. “I don’t even know that,” she said into the armrest, though Mai would probably understand her, given how she’d previously decoded Natsuki’s mumbles.
Natsuki heard Mai’s footsteps coming towards her, but she made no move to look up. When the footsteps stopped, Natsuki felt Mai’s arms wrap around her and Mai’s body pressing up against hers. It was nice and comforting, but Natsuki couldn’t help but compare it to the hug Shizuru had given her the previous night. Something was different in that hug. Was it Shizuru’s love for her that made it different? But could Shizuru’s feelings alone be responsible for the reactions Natsuki had felt, such as that weird feeling in her stomach?
As her thoughts drifted back to the embrace from the previous night, Natsuki felt her emotions get the better of her again. When her train of thought reached the kiss Shizuru had given her, Natsuki felt tears start to leak out of her eyes. Embarrassed to lose control in front of Mai, Natsuki shrugged her way out of the hug and wiped away the tears, hoping that Mai wouldn’t figure out what she was doing.
Mai backed away from her and sat down on the floor. Natsuki hoped that she hadn’t offended her friend, but Mai gave no indication of it if she had. “You care for Fujino-san a lot, don’t you Natsuki?” Natsuki nodded at this, unable to think of anything more to say. Mai sighed and continued, “I’m really sorry I can’t help you more. With Yuuichi, I was never really friends with him, so I knew that what I felt for him had to be love.”
Natsuki sighed. So there was no point to this after all. “I’m sorry Mai, I shouldn’t have burdened you with my problems.”
“Idiot!” Mai said, slapping Natsuki’s shoulder. Natsuki turned to her in surprise. “What do you think friends are for?”
Natsuki let out a slight chuckle at her own behavior. “Thank you, Mai,” she said.
“I do have one piece of advice, though,” Mai said. “Try to figure out simply if you can actually be in love with a girl; leave Fujino-san out of the equation if you have to in order to think clearly. If you find that you can, then go for it with her and stop thinking so hard about your feelings and just feel.”
Natsuki nodded her head slightly as she thought about this. It made some sense, though even if she could fall for a girl, Natsuki wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to open her heart up enough to love anyone. But still, it was something she could do to bring herself closer to an answer. “Alright Mai, just… how am I supposed to figure that out?”
“I wish I could say,” Mai said. “I always kind of just knew I was into guys. If I can think of anything, I’ll let you know.”
“Thanks, Mai,” Natsuki said. She sighed and got up, stretching out the muscles that had gotten sore from her awkward posture. Nothing’s ever easy…
Mai stood up as well and gave Natsuki another quick hug. “Now you go and rest. You look like hell.”
“Yes, Mai,” Natsuki grumbled as she headed to the door. As she reached it, one last thing occurred to her. “Mai? Please don’t tell anyone about this, okay?”
Mai chuckled. “Of course not, Natsuki.” Natsuki turned back to door. As she opened it, she heard Mai say, “And good luck, Natsuki. I hope you can learn to love her.”
Natsuki nodded and headed out. Me too, she decided.
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