Behind Red Eyes
I’ve chosen to focus on hope right now. The way I’m going to view these developments with you is that somewhere, deep down, you really do love me that way, and you just don’t know how to get it out. Eventually, you’ll be able to figure it out, and you’ll come in and surprise me and we’ll have a glorious first kiss as a couple. Now, I don’t really have to worry about being wrong in this letter, as if I am, you’ll never see it! Ara, maybe I shouldn’t have written that last sentence down… but I can’t cross it out now without ruining the appearance of this letter, so I guess it will have to stay.
I really hope this won’t take you too long to figure out, Natsuki. I don’t even know what measure of time you were thinking of. Will I hear from you tomorrow, or could it take you weeks to get back to me? Ara, I’ll bear with it, however long you need. If Natsuki needs me to leave her alone for a while so we can eventually be together, it’s a price I’m willing to pay. Just please don’t keep me waiting too long, okay? It’s not nice to dangle a prize like this just out of my reach.
Well, I really should be off to bed now. Sleep will be a good way to pass the time, though I’ll have to find something else to do after that. I’d actually planned to spend a lot of time with you while you had the week off before summer classes start, and I’m going to have a lot of free time to fill in. You better make this sacrifice worth it!
By the way, I mentioned in my last letter I’d time how long it took me to make you blush. Since you were blushing at my very first comment, I think we can call that a record of zero seconds. The only way I’ll be able to top that is if you blush just thinking about me before I arrive. Mind helping me out with that one?
Forever yours,
Shizuru
Natsuki didn’t react to her words; she was apparently quite sound asleep. Shizuru debated with herself momentarily over whether she should try to gently move the Natsuki inside. She might wake her, but the cold would do that soon enough anyways. It was probably best to bring her in, then.
But Shizuru couldn’t bring herself to do that just yet. The vision of the girl had her enchanted. So many times, she’d imagined being with Natsuki. They would live together, sharing everything, especially the moments. Natsuki wouldn’t be afraid to open herself up to Shizuru, and would even leave herself vulnerable to her, just like this…
“Natsuki…” She was so beautiful. Someone like her deserved to be loved, to be adored and cherished. She deserved someone who would give her pleasure, who would envelop those beautiful lips in her own and teach her how to love. And Shizuru knew that no one could ever love Natsuki as much as she did. It had to be her. You’ll thank me for this someday, Natsuki. She leaned in and brought one hand up to stroke Natsuki’s face. She used the it to lightly move Natsuki’s head to face her, as she brought her own lips in to meet those of the sleeping angel…
“No.”
The scene broke apart, and the Shizuru who was about to kiss Natsuki was gone. Shizuru found herself standing over the other girl, watching over her as a friend should. But that’s not what really happened. I couldn’t hold myself back, and I took advantage of her. Shizuru dropped down to sit beside Natsuki and rested a hand on her shoulder.
“Forgive me, Natsuki,” she said. She knew at this point that she was just revisiting the events in her dreams, and the sleeping figure couldn’t hear her in any case, but that wasn’t what mattered. All that mattered is that this time, she did the right thing—what Natsuki would want her to do. She should just take care of her friend and bring her inside before it got cold.
Shizuru removed her hand from Natsuki’s shoulder and slipped it around her back. Slipping her other arm under Natsuki’s legs, Shizuru pulled the girl up and into her, cradling her against her body. Natsuki let out a soft moan and turned her head, but she didn’t wake up. Shizuru brought the sleeping girl into the house and laid her back down on the futon where she’d slept past nights in this house.
Her deed done, Shizuru’s thoughts drifted back to the sin she’d committed. As she thought about it, she realized a prospect that made her betrayal even worse. “Was that your first kiss, Natsuki?” she asked the sleeping figure. “It probably was. I can’t imagine you ever finding an occasion to kiss anyone else.”
Shizuru knew that Natsuki wasn’t really the sentimental type, but she’d actually hoped that that might emerge as she drew Natsuki out of her shell. If that appeared, would Natsuki then look back on this moment with regret that her first kiss, which should have been a magical moment of mutual love, was instead an act of betrayal? “If it’s any consolation, Natsuki, that was my first kiss too. I regret it every day.
“But that wasn’t my first time being kissed, as it was yours. The first kiss I received came from you at the end of the Carnival, as you used it to save me. It’s a memory I cherish, but I don’t deserve it. You should be the one to get the cherished memory, and me the regretted one.” Shizuru bowed her head as she felt a tear flow down her cheek.
“I kissed you again last night, Natsuki, just on the cheek this time. I’m not sure if you knew it was coming and could have moved away, but you seemed to accept it when it came. If it’s possible, could you try to think of that as the first kiss I gave you? It’s much better to receive your first kiss from a friend trying to comfort you than a friend taking advantage of you. But maybe that won’t work. If that’s the case, then we’ll still have the first time we kiss each other. I’m really looking forward to that moment, Natsuki, and I want to make it as special as possible for you.”
Shizuru sighed. It was nice to say all of this, but it wasn’t real. Natsuki deserved to hear all those words. She should probably write them in her letters when she got up; hopefully she’d remember all of this. Actually, no, she was only going to send those letters if she and Natsuki ever got together. Natsuki deserved to hear this part whether they ended up together or not. The best thing to do was make a special letter just for this that she’d give to Natsuki regardless of how things turned out.
“No!” The scream tore through Shizuru’s heart, and she buried her face in her hands to hold back the sobs it tried to force out. It was a scream she remembered well. It marked Natsuki’s disgust with and rejection of her feelings. When Shizuru had heard that scream before, she had lost herself to madness. It still hurt her to hear Natsuki in pain like that, but this time Shizuru was able to stay in control. What she’d done this time, though, hadn’t led to that reaction; it was just an echo of her past.
As Shizuru steadied herself and removed her hands from her face, she realized that Natsuki was no longer in front of her. The scream had come from outside, so Natsuki must have been there now. Shizuru rose to her feet and straightened out her kimono. She had one more thing to set right this night. Shizuru left the house and proceeded to the site of her first murder.
“…before you commit any more unsightly acts! I won’t let you lay a finger on Yukino.” Shizuru smiled as she heard Haruka’s declaration. Always so gung-ho, Suzushiro-san. It may be occasionally idiotic, but it’s what I respect most in you.
“Step back. This is not something for you to get involved in.” Shizuru paused in her step as she heard her own voice speak these words. She’d have to face herself at the peak of her madness, then. So be it.
“She has every right to be involved. It’s her life at stake, after all,” Shizuru said to her double.
The four others turned to her in shock. “Shi-Shizuru?” Natsuki said.
Haruka looked back and forth at the two Shizurus madly. “What kind of trick is this?” she demanded. “You couldn’t handle me alone so you had to double up on me, is that it? Typical Fujino.”
“I’m not here for you, Suzushiro-san,” Shizuru said. She looked pointedly at her double, who was currently the only other person there who didn’t seem to be in shock from her presence. I hope this works. She called out with her soul and was pleased to feel the weight of her naginata drop into her hands. “I’m here for her,” she said as she pointed the weapon at the other Shizuru.
“What do you intend to do?” her double asked. Her face was frozen in an expression that was almost frightening in its apathy. Red eyes bore into Shizuru, but there wasn’t even anger in them. They were empty, and they tried to pull Shizuru into the void. “Do you wish to stop me from protecting Natsuki?”
Shizuru met the empty gaze unflinchingly. She was sure to let her mask down just enough so that the bystanders could see her anger. They had to know that she wasn’t the same as the monster in front of her. “I wish to stop you from hurting Natsuki. This is not what she wants. Natsuki could never love an unfeeling beast like you.”
“You would take Natsuki from me?” Even with this accusation, the expression on the other Shizuru’s face barely changed. There wasn’t even a hint of anger in her eyes. Was this how I appeared to everyone else during the carnival? Forgive me, I truly was a monster.
Shizuru shook her head. “Natsuki isn’t a prize to be won. And she most definitely isn’t yours.”
“She will be,” Shizuru’s double said, her face twisting into a smile that managed to be even more disconcerting than the empty expression that had preceded it. “Once I get rid of you. Kiyohime.”
The ground split apart as the gigantic hydra burst from it behind Shizuru’s foe. It let out a vicious roar as it emerged, but this roar trailed off into a grunt of confusion as it saw two copies of its master. The emergence of the hydra also had the effect of snapping Natsuki out of her stun over the proceedings, and she proceeded to try to talk some sense into Shizuru’s double. “Shizuru! Stop this, there’s no reason to fight!”
Shizuru smiled at Natsuki’s attempt, but knew it was futile. “It’s no use, Natsuki. The figure you see there is all the darkness in my heart risen to the surface. It’s the beast within me, come unshackled. I’ll need to settle this myself and subdue her.”
“But…!” Natsuki protested, turning to Shizuru.
“I can’t let myself hurt you once more, Natsuki. Please.”
Natsuki met Shizuru’s gaze and studied it for a moment. Shizuru looked back into Natsuki’s eyes and saw them filled with fear and confusion. She opened up her expression just a little and revealed one of the smiles she reserved just for Natsuki. Natsuki, who had just suffered a betrayal from a woman who wore Shizuru’s face, seemed to find comfort in this new Shizuru. The emotions in her eyes softened into trust and faith in her friend. “Alright,” she said. “Do what you have to do.”
At these words, the scene fell apart once more. The environment faded to black, with the figures of Natsuki, Yukino, and Haruka being cast aside. Even Kiyohime disappeared, as if she had been unsummoned. The Child had no place in this battle between her two masters. All that was left was Shizuru and her mirror image, each with her naginata readied for battle.
Shizuru took a moment to wonder just how real this was. She knew that she’d been dreaming up to this point, but everything had seemed so much clearer and more real than in any dream she’d had before. Was she now just dreaming that she’d be fighting a battle with her own personal demon, or was she, on some level in her mind, actually fighting this battle? If she lost, would the beast take control of her in reality again? I don’t know, but I can’t take that risk. I must fight to win.
As Shizuru mused over the reality of the situation, her foe had decided to make the first strike. She charged at Shizuru, her naginata raised in preparation for a downward strike. Shizuru brought her own blade up as if to block it, but she knew from her own battle style that her double would be planning a feint and would drop her Naginata low at the last moment. As the figure reached her, Shizuru dropped her naginata at a moment precisely timed to strike the other blade in its path, forcing it into the ground and knocking her opponent off-balance.
But it didn’t work out that way. Her opponent hadn’t been intending a feint at all, and struck straight on her initial path. The blade cut into the handle of Shizuru’s weapon, the force of the blow knocking Shizuru back off her feet. She rolled with the impact and used the handle of her naginata to vault back to her feet a good distance from her opponent. She quickly brought her blade to the ready in preparation for another attack, but her opponent wasn’t engaging her this time.
Shizuru’s double smirked. “You can’t defeat me,” she said. “All of your strength in battle comes from me. I know all of your tactics, and I have none of your pitiful inhibitions holding me back.” She took two steps closer to Shizuru, who in turned back away a couple steps. “Why don’t you just give in to me? Let me handle things from here, and I’ll get Natsuki for you. She won’t be able to stop me this time.”
Shizuru felt anger flare through her at this. “Never,” she said. She started to charge at her adversary, letting her rage fuel her strength. “I’ll never let you hurt Natsuki again!” she yelled as she charged, striking at her foe right on Natsuki’s name. The blow was blocked, but it was powerful enough to knock her double back, skidding across the floor.
As her double regained her stance, she smirked at Shizuru. “If you fight with your anger like that, what makes you so different from me?”
“Don’t try to pull that with me,” Shizuru said. “It’s what I fight for, not how I fight, that puts me in the right here. There’s nothing to stop me from using the strength of the beast inside me when I need it without succumbing to its desires.”
The beast outside her chuckled at this. “There’s plenty to stop you. Right now, there’s me.” She charged once more at Shizuru, her naginata poised for a downward strike as with her first attack. Shizuru raised her blade to block, not planning to drop it this time until she saw her foe’s diverge from its line of attack. The attack came straight, and Shizuru’s blade caught and deflected it, but her rival impossibly redirected its momentum mid-swing and threw the full force of it into Shizuru.
A move like that wouldn’t have been possible in reality, but apparently Shizuru’s rival was capable of breaking the rules of physics in this dreamscape. As Shizuru staggered from the hit, her enemy’s naginata swept back around, slamming the end of the pole into her skull. Pain lanced through Shizuru’s head as she lost grip of her own weapon and tumbled to the ground. Dreams really shouldn’t hurt this much…
Shizuru rolled over and scrambled to get a hold of her weapon, but she froze when she felt the cold metal of her opponent’s naginata at her throat. She shifted her gaze up to meet her rivals, finding herself staring into empty crimson orbs. “This ends now,” the demon said, her face still a perfect mask.
Shizuru knew that it was over, but there was one last thing she could try to get out of this: She could try to wake up. She desperately fought to gain control of her physical body and force it to open its eyes, trying to elevate her consciousness back to it, but nothing came of the effort. She had no choice but to lose this battle and pray it didn’t mean the loss of her soul again.
Shizuru watched as her foe’s muscles tensed for a coup de grace and steeled herself for the blow. It didn’t come. Instead, her attacker removed one hand from the weapon and brought it around to the back of her neck. When she brought it back to examine it, it was dripping blood. Shizuru thought she heard a high-pitched sound, just at the threshold of audibility, and the figure standing over her jolted.
Taking advantage of whatever was happening, Shizuru pushed away the blade of her foe’s naginata and rose to her feet. As she did so, the knees of her opponent buckled and the naginata fell from her grasp. When she fell over, Natsuki was revealed to be standing behind her, her pistol still drawn and pointed at the fallen figure. “N-Natsuki?”
Natsuki looked up at Shizuru and smiled. “I know you wanted to fight this battle alone, but I couldn’t let you lose. I hope you’ll forgive me.”
A smile burst out on Shizuru’s face as she chuckled at this proclamation. After the stress of the battle, she didn’t have the energy to hide her emotions anymore. “Of course, Natsuki. Thank you.” She looked up into Natsuki’s piercing green eyes and wanted to be pulled into them, to pull Natsuki into a deep kiss, but she contented herself with simply gazing at her.
This process of having to hold herself back triggered an unpleasant realization for Shizuru. “Natsuki,” she said, dropping her gaze. “When I lost control of myself in the Carnival, it was because I thought I’d lost you. If that happens again, I won’t be able to count on you to come to my rescue like you did this time.”
“Yes you will,” Natsuki said. “I’m not the real Natsuki, you know.”
“Then what…?”
Natsuki walked over to Shizuru and planted her index finger on Shizuru’s chest. “I’m the image of Natsuki you keep inside of you. I’m the part of you that knows how much it would hurt people for you to turn into that beast again. When Natsuki healed you in the Carnival, I was born. And as long as you have this part of you that needs to be subdued, I intend to stay right here.”
Shizuru felt a blush rise to her cheeks, but made no attempt to hide it. “Thank you, Natsuki.” She gripped the girl’s wrist in her hand and moved it away, allowing her to move her body in and wrap Natsuki in a hug.
Shizuru stayed in that position for many minutes, basking in Natsuki’s warmth. Eventually, she decided that she would be quite remiss if she didn’t get one thing done while she was in the most realistic dream she’d ever had. “Natsuki,” she said. “There’s one little thing I’ve always dreamed about doing with you, and I was wondering if I could dream about it tonight, too?”
“Not a chance, Shizuru.” Natsuki’s tone might have been harsh, but she did relent and wrap her own arms around Shizuru.
Shizuru pouted and made her hug a little bit tighter. “It’s my dream, can’t I do whatever I want?”
“Yes, but what would Natsuki think if you were having impure dreams about her?”
“Who says Natsuki needs to know?” Using her left arm to keep Natsuki from moving away, Shizuru dropped her right arm down to the hem of Natsuki’s shirt and slipped it around and inside. She found that little spot on Natsuki’s back that she knew from helping Natsuki buy lingerie one day was especially sensitive and lightly stroked it with her finger.
“Shizuru…” Natsuki gasped, and though Shizuru couldn’t see her face, she was pretty sure it would be bright red right now. “Don’t make me wake you up…”
“Dream Natsuki is no fun,” Shizuru said, feigning hurt in her voice. This didn’t stop her from moving her hand farther up Natsuki’s back, finding and deftly unhooking the clasp to her bra.
“Dammit, Shizuru…” Natsuki said, nearly breathless. “If you want Natsuki… go seduce her in real life first. And don’t… say I didn’t warn you…”
Shizuru rolled over and glanced at the clock beside her bed: 7:23 a.m. Probably about time she should be getting up anyways. She rolled out of bed and headed straight for the bathroom. She went through her usual morning routine on autopilot as her mind went over every detail of her dream. A resolution in it was enough to give her one thing she could do to fill up some time: writing an extra letter to Natsuki. She still had a lot of other free time she’d have to do something with.
As Shizuru sat down for breakfast, the image of the fearful faces of Haruka and Yukino in her dream flashed through her mind, and she was reminded that she’d promised Yukino to talk things over the previous day. Yukino wasn’t the only one she’d hurt, though. Haruka deserved some resolution too, though she’d be a bit more difficult to handle. On that note, there was also Nao, who’d been hurt by Shizuru just as much.
Alright, I’ve got a plan. Shizuru got up from her table and fished around in the drawer of a nearby cabinet. Fortunately, her parents had thought to put in at least non-perishable supplies around the house, so she found a notepad and pen without much trouble. Bringing them back to the table, she set up a list with three names:
Kikukawa Yukino
Suzushiro Haruka
Yuuki Nao
Next to each name, she drew two small squares. Above one column of squares, she wrote “Forgiveness.” Above the other, she wrote “Reparations.” For each of these girls, she would do everything in her power to get their forgiveness, and on top of that, she would do whatever she could think of to make it up to them. Only when she was done with that would she let herself be at peace.
Shizuru checked her watch: 9:02 a.m. Yukino was a morning person, so she was probably up by now. Shizuru went to the phone and dialed her number.
Yukino picked up after two rings. “Hello, who’s this?”
“Kikukawa-san? It’s Fujino. I was wondering if you were free for lunch today?”
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