Dreams
That was the night the dreams started. To this day, I don't know what was really behind them. Was it some god trying to give me a clue, or my own subconscious trying to do the same? Or was it just some coincidence the first few times, and my mind trying to keep it up afterwards? I prefer to think it was my subconscious, actually. That way I can give myself some credit for figuring it all out.
Everything is a lot clearer in hindsight, really. When I look back on everything, putting all that I knew and felt then together, the choice seems obvious. But I guess the difference is that these days, I know for sure what true love is. Back then, I was just a kid. I'd gotten engaged when I simply assumed I was in love, rather than knowing it for sure. At least it did set events in motion that allowed me to eventually reach that state.
What? You want to know who I'm talking about? Heh, well I'd like to tell you, but a certain someone who's making me write this things it would be better for the dramatic tension if we keep it a secret a bit longer. Shouldn't be too hard for you to figure out, though. Really. Think for just one second about it. Gah! I really should get back to the story, or Mai's going to break out her frying pan to keep me on track. Hah! I dare you to edit this out, Mai! Be just like you to hide the evidence.
Editor's Note: Don't mind Natsuki. She's just mad that I ran out of mayonnaise. Oh, and dare met, so nyeh!
I don't think Shizuru noticed, but I was crying myself as I held her that night. I couldn't explain why I was brought to tears, but I think it was mostly seeing my best friend in that state which hurt me so much. I cared about her that much, I knew. Trying to figure things out beyond that was just hurting my brain even more, so I decided to put it off until the next day. I was hoping that sleep would help me sort things out in my mind. That was the primary purpose of it, after all, at least according to my psych professor.
Well, my dreams certainly had an impact on me, though they didn't do anything to clear things up at first. They really just confused me even more. Well, I shouldn't say “they,” it was really just one dream. One incredibly vivid and detailed dream, which had me waking up in tears. Although I'd gone to sleep cradling Shizuru against my chest while she wept, I found our positions reversed as I woke. I really needed her support then. I needed to feel her alive and beside me, to reassure myself that it was just a dream...
To be frank, though, it seemed too real to be just a dream. It all took place in another world which seemed to have all of its own rules and its own sort of magic, though it was filled with many people I recognized from my life – notably Shizuru. I was something called an “Otome” there, which is a warrior of some sort, I think. Only, I'd been seriously injured in battled and lost my eyesight. Oddly, in the dream, I still saw things from a kind of third-person perspective, so I knew more of what was going on.
At first, it had seemed like my life and career was ruined. I took a vacation back to my home to try to recover, and Shizuru came with me. In the dream, Shizuru and I were a couple, and very much in love. She was the only thing that kept me from falling into a suicidal depression. Her love saved me, and her devoted effort taught me how to live without my sight.
If I'd woken up there, her efforts for me in the dream and how comfortable being with her had seemed could easily have made an impact on my state of mind in the waking world. But from there, the dream took a turn for the worse. I started to feel weaker, and I couldn't keep up with our training. It was soon revealed that the poison which had initially blinded me had actually infected the rest of my body as well, and it was only just starting to take effect. Simply put, I was dying.
At this revelation, Shizuru did the most unbelievable thing. Any normal person in her position would have tended to me for the rest of my days, giving me all of her love. And when I'd passed, she mourn for quite some time, but eventually move on. Shizuru, however, went beyond all expectations. She just loved me too much, and so she couldn't even live without me.
And so Shizuru... Shizuru... well, I don't really know how to describe it, but she bonded herself to me in some way. By the technology of this world, that meant that her life was tied to mine, and mine to hers. She would rather die with me than live without. As she said, “I will go wherever Natsuki is.” I couldn't protest to this. I didn't know what the afterlife would entail, if there was any at all, but I knew then in my heart that it would be alright if Shizuru were with me. We didn't have to spend even a minute apart, through the end.
The bonding ceremony went through, and Shizuru and I spent our last days caring about nothing except each other. On the day when I knew the end was coming, I asked Shizuru to bring us out to the flower garden where we'd shared some of our most intimate moments. We shared our final words, our final admissions of love, before my ability to speak left me. In my mind, I wished only to be able to see her beautiful face once more, and somehow, through my sight finally returning through a small miracle or a quirk of my mind, my wish was granted. I passed away, seeing nothing but Shizuru, and her love brought her with me into the abyss.
I woke up to find myself being cradled in Shizuru's arms, my head buried in her chest. I'd nearly soaked through her shirt with my tears. It took me some time to gain control of myself. When I did, I gently parted myself from her, relieved to see that she was asleep with a peaceful smile on her face. Her dreams were happier than mine, apparently. Well, she deserved it, at least. She was the one who had to face so much sorrow in life, yesterday. She needed a break.
As I watched Shizuru sleeping, I reflected on my dream and realized a couple things. What I'd seen there was true love, no question about it. What I had with Reito, however... that couldn't compare. I wasn't in love with him. I might have loved him as a friend, but I couldn't marry him with just that. What I had with Shizuru was still too young to know if that was love. In the end, I just needed more time.
I let out a deep sigh. I pulled my right hand out from under Shizuru, and I removed my engagement ring from it. I put it in my pocket, resolving to talk with Reito about this as soon as possible. It was too soon to get married, at the very least. Before committing to that, I had to give Shizuru a chance.
I looked once again at Shizuru's sleeping form. She was so beautiful there. I had to feel her once more to reassure myself that we were both still alive. I stroked my hand along her side, and she let out a pleasant purr. I chuckled gently to myself. Leaning forward, I gave her a quick kiss on the nose and promised, “We'll talk soon, Shizuru. Please don't give up on me.”
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