Warmth
“Forgive me,” I said, just before my control over my voice gave way. I started to break into sobs again, shame at my admission coupling with all my prior reasons to be upset. My thumb instinctively moved to turn off the phone. I couldn’t bear to let Natsuki hear me break down like that.
Of course, I knew it was too late. She’d surely caught the first of my sobs before I’d been able to deactivate the phone, so from that standpoint it didn’t make much difference if she heard more or not. I’d also idiotically slipped up and confessed my feelings to her, and it was now too late to take that back.
I carelessly tossed my phone off to the shade and fell back onto my bed. Why the hell had I slipped up? The second I heard her voice, I couldn’t help myself. My mind went wild with thoughts of wanting her to be mine. She was just too irresistible. My heart had attached itself to her, and it wasn’t letting go. Even when I’d set up a safe plan in my mind, one sentence from her empowered my heart to break through everything and cause me to make an idiot of myself.
I rolled over to my side and gripped a spare pillow tightly in my arms, wishing it could have been Natsuki there for me too hug. But someone as thoughtless as me didn’t deserve to have her. I should never have told her about my feelings. There was no way she deserved the torture of having to face this, and likely having to reject me whenever we next spoke.
However liberating it was for me to get that out and not have to worry about hiding my feelings from her, the fact that I hurt Natsuki in doing so was much worse. I couldn’t bear to do anything to hurt that sweet girl. She’d never done anything wrong. She was just cursed to have her best friend fall for her and be thoughtless enough to let it slip the day after she got engaged, ruining the happiness she should rightfully be experiencing.
Perhaps the noble part of me had weakened by that point, for I then started thinking thoughts that I could best describe as being a bit selfish. What if, I wondered, I would actually be better for Natsuki than Reito? If that were the case, then I’d have had to do this for her ultimate happiness. It didn’t seem possible that Reito could love her as much as I did, even given his head start in knowing her years longer. Natsuki got closer to me a lot faster than she did Reito, after all.
But how did I really know that I would be better for her? How did I know we’d work at all? I didn’t even know for sure that she was into girls. If she didn’t at least have that, then everything else would be meaningless. Even if she did, it was no guarantee that we would work as a couple. I knew that we worked as friends, and I felt the necessary chemistry with her, but that didn’t mean that she did with me.
That was all my brain speaking, though. My heart had already decided. It was in love with Natsuki, and it felt that she could love me back given the opportunity. And it was now telling me to pursue her as best as I could, to make this possibility become reality. We were meant to be, after all.
In my bed, alone, my brain could fight back against my heart and push it to a standstill, but I’d learned from experience that as soon as Natsuki came into the picture, the contest was over. I could justify to myself all I wanted that I couldn’t have anything with her, but none of it would hold up when I was actually interacting with her. If I wanted to let my brain win, I’d have to cut her out of my life completely. Could I do that? Could I run out on her, who could well be the love of my life?
“Shizuru…”
I froze mid-sob at the sound of Natsuki’s voice from behind me. When had she come in? She must have come over after our phone-call, and I must have missed the sound of her knocking over my sobs. I tried to recall if I’d locked the door when I’d gotten in earlier, and I couldn’t remember doing so. I was just in a rush to be alone that I must have forgotten about it as I went straight to my room. I’d never forgotten something like that before, though, which I guess speaks for how much this really threw me off.
But that didn’t matter, really. It was done, and Natsuki had taken advantage of it to come in when I hadn’t answered. She was concerned for me, certainly, but I couldn’t take that to mean she felt for me as anything more than a friend. She could have just come to try to let me down clearly but gently, and to make sure I was still alright. If that was the case, I needed her to get it out right away. It would be easier for me to simply be cut off than for her to drag me on if she knew I’d never have a chance.
But she wasn’t saying anything. She was just standing there, watching me. I don’t know how long she’d been there before she spoke up, witnessing my pathetic state, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed something from her. Straining to get the words out clearly and to not start sobbing anew, I said, “Natsuki, please…” It wasn’t very clear, but it was all I could manage.
I don’t know what Natsuki inferred from my plea, but she did start to speak. “Shizuru…” she said. “I love Reito.” If my heart hadn’t already been shattered, that sentence would have done it. As it was, it sent a wave of searing pain through its remnants. Her next word, however, wiped the pain away, just for a moment: “But…”
Natsuki trailed off. I don’t know if it was her intention, but she’d given me a moment of hope. For those few seconds, I thought I might have a chance with her. I allowed myself to dream of a possibility between us. In that moment, I think my heart won its battle with my brain. If Natsuki gave me a sliver of a chance, I knew then that I’d have to pursue it. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself otherwise.
“I can’t bear to see you like this,” Natsuki said. “I… I don’t know what to say, or even what I feel anymore. I… I just don’t know.” Natsuki’s voice was starting to strain, now. My heart felt like it was being twisted; hope pulled it up from the lack of rejection while the pain in Natsuki tugged it downwards.
I had to do something for her then to help with the pain she was feeling. It wasn’t much, but I said the first thing to come to mind. “Thank you, Natsuki… for coming.”
I heard her moving behind me, and soon I could feel the bed moving beneath me as she crawled up onto it. Her hand reached my shoulder, and started lightly stroking down my arm. My instincts were still a bit afraid of letting her see me like this, and I had to suppress an urge to tense up. Once I did, though, her touch was sweetly soothing.
“Are you… are you going to be alright, Shizuru?” Natsuki asked.
It sounded to me like she was asking permission to leave, in her way. It was very sweet of her to do it this way. Too sweet. This would have all been easier if she were harsh with me and told me flatly that I had no chance. But she hadn’t done that, and so she’d given me a sliver of hope. And with that hope, there was no way I could bear to lose her tonight. “No,” I managed to get out. At least, I wouldn’t if she left. With her here, it would still be torture, but it was better than being empty.
“Alright,” Natsuki said. She didn’t seem too disappointed, as I’d been fearing. I think maybe she was even expecting that answer, or at least expecting that it was true, even if I’d cover up.
Although Natsuki had anticipated my feelings, I turned out to have guessed wrong about her intentions. I’d thought she would simply remain where she was, stroking and comforting me. I certainly never thought she’d lie down right behind me, her body pressing up against mine as her arms snuck around my body to grip me in a hug. I was far too weak to resist then; as it was, I barely had the strength to shift my midsection up so her arm could come in underneath me.
I lay there still for a long while, and Natsuki remained silently hugging me. Her head had leaned forward to rest against my back. Her whole presence there was too much for me. I could feel all of her body heat seeping into me. It was the closest I’d ever been to her. Possibly the closest I ever would be for her. Perhaps she was just trying to give me this moment as an apology for all the pain I’d had to endure for her sake. At the thought of this, tears once again started to pour from my eyes. I only barely managed to keep from sobbing out loud.
There was a very good chance I’d never get this opportunity again, so I just couldn’t waste it. Besides that, I just needed her for support. I brought my hands up to Natsuki’s, and I gently pulled them off of me. She let out a concerned noise, but I simply used the freedom to turn around in her arms. I avoided her gaze as much as I could while I wrapped my own arms around her. I buried my head into her chest and squeezed her tightly as I let my tears fall out.
Natsuki’s arms slowly closed around me again, and I felt her head come to rest of top of mine. I couldn’t help but think how incredibly sweet she was to do this for me, in spite of all the pain I had to be causing her. This couldn’t be easy for her, and yet all she could seem to think about was comforting me. Did that mean I had a shot with her?
“I’m sorry, Shizuru,” Natsuki said. Her voice seemed weak, maybe broken a little. Had she been crying herself? And what did she have to be sorry about? “We’ll figure this out, okay? I don’t want to lose you…”
I gripped Natsuki tightly. I didn’t have the energy to speak anymore, but I wanted to let her know that she didn’t have to worry about that. She’d given me a chance, which was even more than I’d asked of her. She still didn’t know how she felt herself, but at least that was better than her knowing that we could never work. I vowed to myself that I’d do whatever I could to support her through this and to come to the right decision, whatever that might be. After tonight, I owed it to her.
My tears slowed to a halt as I embraced Natsuki for what I was desperately hoping would simply be my first, rather than last time. Slowly I drifted off to sleep, dreaming peacefully of a world where Natsuki and I could be together.
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