Shinobu’s Diary Entry Date: Present Was what I did wrong? Was it wrong for me to have given in to my own feelings like that? But isn’t it wrong to deny myself those feelings? I won’t lie. I enjoyed that kiss, every moment of it. I enjoyed being with Kanako-san. I love being around her, I love to comfort her, to hold her, I…I…do I love her? I don’t really know. I don’t think so. I didn’t feel this way for senpai or Motoko-chan and I loved them, right? I never felt this drawn to someone, this attracted and this…connected to someone before. Or maybe, I’m only really falling in love for the first time with her…I’m confused; I wish I could ask for help. Miho-chan… I didn’t understand a word she said. I was too…afraid. I never noticed just how much Miho-chan scared me before. The way she looked as Kanako-san, Motoko-chan and me as if she was going to cut right through the three of us. It was…scary. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I have feelings for Kanako-san and she has feelings for me too but I know that I still feel something for Motoko-chan. Things would have been so much simpler if I had never even thought of going back to Hinata Sou that day! Why couldn’t I just leave the past alone?! If I had never gone there, to reminisce, to remind myself of how much it hurt when Motoko-chan left me…I would never have seen Kanako-san again. None of this would have happened. Maybe I could have even gotten back with Motoko-chan somehow. Isn’t that what I want, another chance at love with her? It’s too late now. I’ve run away again. I failed. I couldn’t keep my promise to senpai never to run away again. I’ve let him down. I’ve let myself down. I’ve let Miho-chan down. I’ve let…her down. Everything’s falling apart now. Kanako-san refuses to see me; Motoko-chan hasn’t said a word to me since then…why? Why must I always lose the people I care for? Why must I always be the one that loses the people I love? Our parents divorced because of me…I lost senpai because I wasn’t enough…I didn’t have the strength to show him how I truly felt…now, I’ve driven away two people I love and love me as well. It’s so sad… Kanako-san… Why? Why do I feel so different around you? So calm, so serene, so loved, so alive. Why don’t I feel this way when I’m around someone else? Why do I care for you so much? Why did I even care for you back then? I should have just left things the way they were. Maybe then, I wouldn’t be so…hurt. Motoko-chan… I have always admired your strength; I have always been attracted to it. Why? Why can’t I have that strength too? I’m so fragile, so weak. Did I really love you back then? Do I really love you now? Maybe I was just fooling myself into thinking that because…I needed your strength to make me feel strong too. Please, someone help me… I don’t want to be alone… End Entry Kanako’s Diary Entry Date: Present I, Urashima Kanako, am alone again. It is my fate to be forever alone. I have come to accept that as a fact. My short lived kiss with Shinobu-chan was a nice reprieve from my misery but it wasn’t meant to last. Nothing that good can ever last. This is especially true with my life. Fate has seen it fit to watch me slowly rot alive. Why am I always the one who loses? I lost my biological parents. I never really had my foster parents. I had my onii-san but I lost him too. Now, I’ve lost Shinobu-chan. Then again, I can never really claim I had her. I guess she was never really there, I could see it. Her heart still belongs to Motoko-chan. I really should stop crying. It does not suit me. Crying is for the weak, for those who know that their hearts are still in the right place. I am not going to cry anymore. I’ve cried enough in my life. For anyone in their right mind to love me, to truly love me, no matter what happens, that is just a dream of mine. Yet… “The only difference between dreams and accomplishments is pure desire.” I don’t think I can afford to believe in that anymore. It seems ironic as well, that the madman I loath would have had to be the one to tell those words to me. Pure desire…I guess that’s what drove him to become what he is now. His pure desire to be different, to be exceptional, to simply be himself is admirable. I don’t have my dreams anymore. I don’t have any real accomplishments. In the end, I guess Kana is right about a lot of things concerning me. He and I are alike, in almost every way. We don’t belong with anyone; we aren’t mean to be happy. We are born alone and we die alone. I’ve made my decision. It allows for a fine compromise, I’d like to think. It allows me to still have a part of it but ultimately, it is in her hands. I won’t be bale to stay much longer. As soon as the repairs on Hinata Sou are complete, I should make the required arrangements, my assets, my Swiss bank account, everything. I should never have thought that I could even come close to her. She and I are too different, oil and water don’t mix. I can only hope that the arrangements I will make will be an adequate apology for what I have done to Shinobu-chan. I don’t know any other way to show her how sorry I am. I’m afraid to go back to that void, that bleak existence. It’s like the night sky without any of the stars. It offers me no comfort; there is no peace in the void. I should be happy for Shinobu-chan, she’s found her love. As for myself, I’ve lost mine. My only comforts now…are the stars. Why have I gone down this road? My childhood…was so full of hopes and dreams. I was the best at everything, I could cook, I could fight and I was loved. I had so much promise, so much potential and I could feel it. I felt that I could reach for the stars in the night sky…All’s right with the world. The year’s at the spring, And day’s at the morn; Morning’s at seven; The hillside’s dew pearl’d; The lark’s on the wing; The snail’s on the thorn; God’s in his Heaven – All’s right with the world! – Robert Browning End Entry
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